Mr. Mayor (2021) s02e09 Episode Script

1 Hi, my TitiBears.
Come into my bathroom ♪ Okay, so, today, I'm gonna show you all how to do a smoky eye and a new thing I just thought of, a smoky mouth.
But before that, I need to holler at you guys about something supes serious.
So I've been seeing a lot of comments about my, like, feud with the mayor of Los Angeles, and I just want to clarify something for you all.
Yes, Mayor Bremer tried to kill me with his car, but I am not petty.
Some of you are also asking why there's a link in my bio to a Recall Mayor Bremer petition, and the only reason why it's there is because I accidentally copied and then accidentally pasted it there.
So let me just say to all my Bear-Bs who are posting toxic comments about this guy, do not click on that link on my behalf.
Click it on yours if you're 18 and registered to vote in Los Angeles.
So now, I'm just gonna be going in with the ashes from one of my dogs who died recently, but you can get yours from wherever you want.
TitiB's followers are dangerously close to making this recall happen.
Also, "Come Into My Bathroom" is now the number-one song on Spotify and my go-to karaoke channel.
We need to start taking this seriously.
I don't like this new "West Wing" -y energy, and it's giving me coke flashbacks to the '80s.
Okay, stunt on us.
Look, I'm not gonna get all worked up about something that's never gonna happen.
This is California.
In the last 100 years, how many recall petitions were there? Okay, and how many went through? - Uh, six - See? Now, I wish I had known that the first time you told me that some wingnut was trying to get me recalled.
So stressed out I couldn't enjoy my golf game, and they will not take that away from me again.
Okay, yes, sir, but TitiB has millions of followers who do whatever she says.
She told her TitiBears to boycott the Oakland Raiders, and they had to move to Las Vegas.
Guys, guys, in order to vote for a recall, you have to physically mail in your signature.
Her followers don't know what mail is.
That's true.
My cousins think that mailboxes are Cookie Monster memorials, and I'm like, "When do you think he died?" So what do we actually have to concern ourselves with today? Ah, Gilbert's birthday.
Hey, Gilbert, my friend, how old are we this year, 40? - 32, but I'm a drinker, so - Yeah, good for you.
Oh, look, then I go to Schuman's Deli for the unveiling of my caricature.
The artist said that it was difficult to find a flaw to exaggerate.
Poor guy.
- You ready, Kwapis? - For Schuman's Deli? Yes.
I'm talking about the recall.
No, Neil just said that wasn't going to happen.
Politics is like an interview with Kanye West.
Anything can happen.
No, when I said I would run your campaign, I thought that would be, like, years away.
Hold it together, man.
I'm just saying, we've gotta wait and see how this shakes out.
Relaxed readiness, hands on knees, bouncing on the balls of your feet, holding our bladders.
I coach elder softball.
So you're the almond milk guzzler.
- What? - You know, if you hate the environment, wouldn't it be easier to just shoot a polar bear in the face? - Cut it out.
- Hey, you cannot hit me.
- That is harassment.
- Oh, you wish I'd harass you.
Wait, give it back.
Why are you so tall? I'm so little.
- Oh, sorry.
It's - Paige? I'm really good at reading men's phones upside down.
Yeah, I should just Ugh, this thing with his ex is driving me crazy.
But it's so fun for your coworkers to watch you flirt.
I know you could reach the milk! Don't get snippy with me just because you're stressed about Neil.
He's not worried enough about this recall attempt.
I mean, yes, Gen Z doesn't do mail.
I saw one of our interns use Forever stamps as Band-Aids.
I just want to know if this thing is happening or not.
I mean, being in limbo like this Just like me and James.
You're right.
I should go talk to him.
Wow.
How did you manage to make that about yourself? My new year's resolution was to take up more space.
You know, when I first moved to LA, I thought, "Someday, my caricature will be on the wall at Schuman's Deli.
" But this isn't Schuman's.
This is clearly a sorority house.
Allow me.
Oh, there you go.
Now, who wants to show me some photos of grandkids? Oh, gorgeous! But I bet they don't call enough, do they? Well, actually, my granddaughter called this morning.
She asked if I had any stamps.
That's too funny.
My grandson called and asked if I knew where a mailbox was and how to open it.
Kids.
Sir, it's time to sign a bagel.
- Ah, good.
- Hello.
Just to save us a lot of questions, I'm Filipino.
Now, what did I hear you say about grandkids and mail? Uh-oh.
You back for round two? Yeah.
Um, round two of what, James? Because Paige is still living with you, which means that things are still messy, so am I just supposed to wait around? 'Cause I haven't been touched by a man in, like Okay, let me stop you there.
I moved out over the weekend.
She just called to figure out the key drop-off.
Oh.
I wish I had known that ten seconds ago.
By the way, I actually have been touched by a man.
Many, but not too many.
I wanted to tell you, but I thought if I asked you out right away, you'd think it was too soon.
Yeah, um, what are the rules here? Exactly.
I mean, how soon do you ask someone out after you get out of a failed COVID relationship that was based on trauma bonding and getting way too into birding? We wait one month.
That seems dignified.
Yes, very appropriate.
And a month is, what, like, 30 days? - Sometimes 31.
- Mm-hmm.
Occasionally 28.
But, um, but not on leap years.
James, you still coming to the analytics team check-in? Of course, yeah.
I'll be right there.
Mm-hmm.
Let's double back to this conversation later.
Yes.
Wow, that was not it.
Hey, Bear Cubs.
We're doing mail.
We got our letter purses and stickers, and now, we're gonna feed them to the robot.
Recall Mayor Bremer! Who showed you how to do this? Hi, Bear Cubs.
Recall challenge.
You know that pile of paper that comes to your parents' house? That's mail.
Remember email? It was based on that pile.
History lesson! But sometimes you still need to do mail for certain things like sending headshots to prisons.
All you need is a letter purse and a special sticker.
So they could actually get enough signatures to make this happen? This is bad.
As bad as when they brought Digimon into the human world instead of humans into the Digi-world.
We gotta stop this recall! Getting cold feet, Kwapis? No, they're boiling hot all the time.
All right.
We gotta get our battle strategy in order.
I know we're all a little anxious, but believe me, we are going to stop this recall petition.
Even if it means killing everyone between the ages of 18 and 25.
No, don't Recalls are kind of my specialty, sir.
I did my thesis on Governor Davis' recall, mostly because I was going through a Patrick Schwarzenegger phase, but still, we need to start a media blitz yesterday.
Yesterday? Impossible! This is the guy running our strategy? Okay, the mayor is gonna hit local TV shows.
Arpi and Jayden, you handle radio columns.
We also need to get on top of the misinformation campaign - around the mayor.
- They're saying that you're actually a regular-sized guy with little stilts in his pants, that you got replaced like Avril Lavigne, oh, that you're using Tommy for youth blood transfusions.
Flattering.
All right, look, I want you two to team up.
James, handle tech.
Mikaela, handle messaging.
And let me know if you need to take any pictures of me to turn into funny memes.
All right, team.
All hands on deck.
Let's go kill this recall.
I don't believe you, which is saying a lot because I have fallen for every scam.
Every single one.
I have something important to tell you and something very important to tell you.
I'm on with the Secretary of State's office.
Okay, the important thing is that the LA Homeowners' Association is backing the recall.
The very important thing is that I kissed James, and he's really bad at it! Scott, let me call you back.
I love when hot people are bad at things.
I don't know what happened.
We had a great talk, he went in for the kiss, but then it went bad.
His eyes were open.
If I wanted that, I'd go back to kissing my broken Betsy Wetsy.
I was a very romantic child.
Hey, Mikaela.
Hey, sexy.
You ready to get at it? Mm-hmm.
Hey, Mike.
How soon before we can get the deputy mayor on to talk about this recall? No, I am well aware that you are in the middle of a rock block counting down the hits of yesterday, today, and tomorrow, but you owe me.
I've never told anyone this, but I once saw a Mothman while power-walking in the Hills.
- What are you doing? - Hold on a second.
"The Conspiracy Countdown With Professor Weirdo.
" You're not even trying to help Mayor Bremer.
Well, you're trying way too hard.
Kwapis, we want this recall to happen, right? If this thing happens, we gotta move fast.
You need to be ready to tell the mayor you quit.
But the man I turn to when I'm confused is the very man you want me to betray.
Well, good luck with that, Iago.
I'm the parrot from "Aladdin"? No, he's so mean! And don't forget, Andrea, the Futuro Space Elevator is already creating jobs.
I also led this city safely through an avocado crisis.
I spearheaded bus lanes that have reduced traffic by an an amount, and I have not had a single sex scandal, - and, believe me, I could have.
- Hmm.
Sir, I need your advice! My friend works at the discotheque, but he just got invited to play at the Olympics, but the owner of the discotheque is his husband, and he's gonna be so mad! Jayden, Jayden! I'm on live TV right Right now.
Oh, ! Can I say? - No, no.
- Oh, .
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry,.
- No, get out.
- ,.
- Get out.
- I'm sorry.
- No, get out.
Oh,.
Oh, boy.
Where was I? Um, I don't recall, and neither should you, Los Angeles.
Okay, maybe I've just been reading these articles for too long, but why are there no pictures of Neil's feet out there? He has nothing to hide.
They're just totally normal lizard feet.
I'll be right back.
That was way to hustle.
James is so bad at this.
He tried to pick me up but then, like, gave up halfway through.
I'm really light, Tommy.
Like, it's almost a problem.
I wish this were my day.
I mean, come on.
You see how funny it is, right? You finally have the one thing you wanted after so long Yeah, Tommy, look.
Can you talk to him and try to find out why he went from lips back to forehead? What? Yes, I will! Okay.
Luis, why are you printing résumés? Why do you assume I'm the only Luis Hernandez in the office? Your headshot's on the back.
Pro tip, if you want cheap headshots, get arrested in costume.
Luis, you're not gonna need these.
Hey, let me have your attention for a second.
No one needs to look for another job, okay? We are fighting this thing, and Neil Bremer doesn't lose fights, except once at Fred Segal.
I hit on Coco, and Ice-T loves his Coco.
Anyway, just This recall petition is gonna fail.
It's our opponents that need to be worried.
They think they're gonna collect 300,000 signatures? Well, guess what? Time's running out.
Do you think that people will remember this a year from now? No, but people will remember that they went to space in an elevator.
The TV is making a fool of you! I just want to thank all of my TitiBears for making this recall happen.
Politics has been so much fun, but now I really just want to focus on my partnership with Stormp.
I love them so much, and I'll be here all day helping them sell shoes, I guess.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I could be the first mayor since 1938 to get recalled.
Well, there still is a way that we could stop this if we can convince enough people to remove their names from the petition - before the deadline.
- Come on, you kidding me? How are we going to walk back 100,000 signatures? Okay, would any of the signatures count if we legally changed your name? They can recall Neil Bremer all they want, but Carmine Italiano No, sir, we need to fight fire with fire.
What if we got our own high- profile people to support us? No, no.
There's only one person with the clout to get me out of this mess, the same person who got me in it.
Dan, let's do it.
You ready, Kwapis? You know what you're gonna say to the mayor? No, and the Internet is no help.
You Googled "How do I tell my dad I'm cheating on him?" 'Cause that's what this feels like.
Oh, boy.
You've got to fish or get off the pot here.
If you don't have the guts to step up and take this opportunity, then you need to step aside so I can find somebody else.
I don't know, Arpi.
Maybe I'm not the guy who steps up and does stuff, you know? I'm not a stepper-upper.
I'm the little guy in the background who helps the stepper-upper.
I know my role, okay? I'm just a I'll be right back.
Pretty intense out there, huh? I know.
I can't lose my benefits.
- I just got diagnosed with - Totally.
So did you get a chance to talk to James? Well, it took me a while to draw him out because, you know, you have to be subtle with these things.
So how's the kissing with Mikaela going? - She told me you're terrible.
- I'm bad? You should see how she does it.
And how exactly do I do it? I am so glad you asked.
Weird noises? I am the perfect amount of vocal.
Oh, it is on.
By the way, thank you for this.
It's been a really stressful day, and it's nice to be reminded that it could be worse.
I could be straight.
Mm, you're welcome.
And that is when I realized I am one of you.
I'm a Minion.
I have the overalls, I'm pill-shaped, and I love being told what to do.
And Mayor Bremer is my Gru, so I can't leave him, right? Hey, can my kid get a picture with it now? Okay, "its" name is Stuart.
This guy.
It's just that when I was at Jamba Juice, I always dreamed of having a job with a chair.
Is a Minion allowed to want more? Yeah, true.
People aren't here to see Gru.
They're here to see you because you have your own movie.
I mean, Gru had a cameo at the end, so it didn't not have Gru in it.
Gru is just the latest in a long line of masters you've served.
Dracula, a T-Rex, Ryan Murphy.
So maybe Mayor Bremer isn't my Gru.
Maybe Mayor Bremer is my Dracula, and Arpi is my Gru.
Bee-do, bee-do, bee-do! Oh, Mikaela, hey.
Look, maybe we take a break from making out.
I think you're great at it - No, no, no, no, no.
You don't get to treat me like the weird kisser.
You're the weird kisser.
Why were your eyes open? 'Cause I thought you were choking.
Well, you tried to lift me up and then just, like, bailed.
Lift? No, no, I was trying to hold you up 'cause you were going limp.
- Oh.
- Ah, ooh, no.
Why is that not better? Maybe all the tension between us just set a crazy-high bar for real life.
Look, James, I, um, I like you, so I'm willing to work through whatever this weirdness is, um, if you are.
Oh, wow.
Why this is so bad.
Did you just eat Sun Chips? No.
Mm-hmm, thanks.
Hi, Titi.
Ooh, Cory, like, rule number one for weeding out the pedos is adult man without child.
No, no, it's Mayor Bremer.
Oh, snap! And you want a job.
No, no.
I'm just looking to keep the one I have.
TitiB, this recall is bad for business.
Mm, yours, not mine.
Yeah, revenues are up for Q2.
Which is why you need me.
See, I think it's ingenious that you reduced your tax liability by calling your dogs employees.
Well, at Titi Corp, we don't think in terms of employer-employee.
It's a flat structure.
Ah, yeah.
But what if whoever replaces me is not so business-friendly? See, you need to know that the mayor has your best interests at heart.
Yeah, I do.
For instance, I know your neighborhood only grants two parking permits per address, but you have 18 cars.
Well, that I know of.
Is that's something the mayor's office could fix? If the right person is mayor.
Yeah, I mean, we can't have some rando just running the city.
Exactly.
I should be mayor.
- What? What was that? Sorry? - Oh, my God! - I'm obsessed with this idea.
- Thank you.
So if you live in Los Angeles, vote TitiB in the upcoming recall election.
If you're not 18, tell your parents to vote for me, or else you'll date Scott Disick.
Oh, Christ.
Is this a bad time, sir? Rhetorical.
I know it's terrible.
But we still need to talk.
Yeah.
We have a re-election campaign to start.
Speaking of, do you remember the conversation we had the other week? The one where you yelled at me or the one where you yelled at me? They're all blurring together, Arpi.
The one about me running for mayor in the next election.
Right, and the next election is happening a lot sooner than we thought.
Okay.
Which one of us is having a stroke? I'm sorry.
It's just, I'm a Minion, sir, and it's time for a new master.
I'm leaving to go run Arpi's campaign.
I have prepared a song to express my feelings right now.
It is to the tune of "Mambo No.
5.
" - Sir - Fine.
Quit like everyone else.
I don't care.
I know you don't mean that.
You would miss me, especially since I went through the fine print of the procedures for recalling state and local officials, and there are very specific formatting requirements for the recall petition, requirements that the recall petition officers didn't follow.
See, they submitted everything in 13-point Times New Roman instead of 14.
It's invalid! We can kill the recall! What have I done? Why is no one high-fiving me? I never do this.
This is special.
Because we're not killing the recall.
It's still happening.
I'm sorry, Tommy.
I'm not gonna hide behind a technicality when so many Angelenos, including two of my own staff, no longer think I should be mayor.
I would like some credit for resisting the urge to point out that I never thought you should be mayor.
So we're just giving up? No, no, no, no, no.
Because I still believe that I'm the right person for the job.
And I'm gonna prove it.
I'm just so proud of you, sir.
I'm so sorry I cheated on you, Dad.
See you in the Thunderdome.
Oh, okay.
I don't blame you.
You're young, and there's a recall on.