Mulligan (2023) s02e09 Episode Script

1
[whimsical music playing]
[Matty panting]
[Matty grunts] Yeah. [laughs]
[Matty grunts, panting]
[Matty] Ah!
Little help?
[Jeremy sighs]
You're meant to play spinny-throwy
with other people, you know.
Like whiff-whaff,
which is what we English call ping-pong,
or wordy-gurdy, the process
by which we give things silly names.
Well, I like playing alone.
Unlike "team,"
there is an "I" in "Frisbee."
Now can I have my Frisbee back,
Your Highness?
Tone ignored and no.
I am fed upwards with your throwing things
into my sovereign yard.
In the words of Dame Cheri Oteri,
it's mine now. I keep it.
You just wronged with the mess guy.
Wait, no! I mean
Too late. I heard it.
[Matty groans]
You're embarrassed.
[theme music playing]
Carty, Fox News said you were fired.
[fox panting]
I resigned, Mother.
But mark my words,
I will be back, tout suite.
Oh, enough already.
When will you
up and quit this politics charade?
Daddy never quit.
He ran for president
until the day he died.
Of a heart attack on the debate stage
when Roger Mudd
asked him what a gay person was.
Oh, face facts, boy.
It's time for you to settle down,
write your memoirs,
and drink yourself to death.
[somber music plays]
Yes, Mother.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's time for my stories.
[in high-pitched voice]
You can't go. I love you.
[in deep voice] But I'm my own twin.
Oh, this is a repeat.
But I think The Klumps is on HBO.
[fox whimpers]
[whimsical music playing]
If I ever find the bird
that did this to me, I will
be so scared.
Well, I am sure that the bird is sorry.
Oh, so you think
it "egrets" what happened?
Is that what I'm "heron"?
- [Simon laughs]
- [seductive music plays]
Seriously, saxophone? For that?
Hey, Farrah.
Good for you, finally
doing something about those teeth.
Remember when Suri Cruise's dad
got braces?
That was brave.
No, I'm just here with Simon
Simone Pree-olio?
That is I.
Too passive to correct her.
[Lucy] Hmm.
Farrah and Simon sitting in a tree
H-A-N-D-J-O-B ♪
Jesus, that's how you learned that song?
Where did you grow up?
Outside Reno.
And I knew something was up.
You wore makeup to work.
And your fart stifling has been,
like, distracting.
[Dr. Braun grunts]
Stay in. Stay in. No one wants you here.
[groans]
- This is so embarrassing.
- [Lucy] No!
I think it's wonderful that love
can still happen in this ugly world.
- [sandworm screeches]
- [bird chirps]
I am totally shipping you and Simon.
[scoffs] Good luck with that.
If you're "shipping" Farrah Braun,
you must be using FedEx Ground,
because that package is not getting there.
The website will say it was delivered
and signed for by someone named "Terry,"
but you were home all day,
and you don't know any Terries,
so, yeah, not great at romance.
- [sandworm screeches]
- [bird flutters, chirps]
Ladies and gentlemen,
I regret to inform you
that England won't give back
your president's Frisbee.
- [Axatrax] Seriously?
- [Dr. Braun] Come on.
That's the emergency?
God. I gave my kids
to Urgmel the Mole King for safekeeping.
In exchange, he said he would
"call upon me
for a favor in the fullness of time."
So now I have that to look forward to.
Well, FYI, the situation with England
has deteriorated.
Although personally, I blame the troops.
[helicopter powers down]
Ugh! Daytime's too bright for these.
I need a grown-up. Hey!
- Prisoner of war.
- [Jayson grunting]
Okay, I'm sure we can
resolve this diplomatically.
What about a peace summit?
We could go to Camp David.
That's the president's retreat
in Maryland.
Wait, I own a Jewish summer camp?
- Well, Camp David's not exactly
- That sounds fun!
My church camp was a total bang fest.
Because there was
a drum circle and a rifle range.
Yes, Simon's right.
We should all go to Camp David.
- That's a great idea.
- [whimsical music plays]
I always wanted
to go to a camp as a kid, but
- Oh God, what is this going to be?
- I had a lawn care job.
[all] Oh.
Yeah. Lon was this old guy
who lost his legs after passing out
on the Green Line tracks.
I'd wheel him to Quincy Market
so he could yell slurs at the magicians.
I think you're making Boston up.
But of course,
LaMarr never told me I owned a camp.
That guy hated fun.
I'm glad he's dead or whatever.
[TOD-209] TOD went to camp.
- [cheerful music playing]
- [rope creaking]
[water splashes]
[whimsical music playing]
TOD loved camp.
TOD was training to be counselor.
You can't remember your own name,
but you can remember that?
Okay, we're going to Camp David!
Tell King Numbnuts
he's invited to a peace summit.
And he better bring the hostage.
By which you mean General Scarpaccio, or
By which I mean my Frisbee.
[dramatic music plays]
- [dogs barking]
- [cows moo]
- Punch buggy. No punch backs.
- Ow. Stop that!
Get it? "Punch buggy."
'Cause you're a bug!
- [Matty laughs]
- [Axatrax growls]
- [Matty grunts]
- Lucy, this is perfect.
I mean, the last time
I actually felt confident romantically
was at junior high science camp.
Every single word of that got worse.
Dinesh Chandrasekaran and I
snuck off to the planetarium
to do stuff under the swimsuit,
but over the mesh part. [chuckles]
Camp Farrah was it.
[rock music playing]
- [all gasp]
- [boy hyperventilating]
[with braces lisp] Doctor Susan says
my scoliosis brace is no longer necessary.
Ooh, I can't wait to meet her.
Well, you are not
gonna recognize Camp Farrah.
Look, I borrowed a t-shirt
my son grew out of.
- [Simon] Mmm.
- [Dr. Braun sighs]
You can pick your nose, Simon.
But I pick you.
Again, just so excited
to meet this other Farrah.
[typewriter clicking]
"Then, in 2001,
everything changed."
- [typewriter dings]
- "Shrek is released in theaters,
and suddenly it's okay to be different?"
- [doorbell jingles]
- There you are. Dude, we gotta talk.
It's urgent.
But first, can I use your bathroom?
I wanna do drugs and take a number two.
But after that,
we gotta talk about your future.
[whimsical music playing]
- [cows moo]
- [dogs barking]
[whimsical music continues]
[mechanical whirring]
- [whistle blows]
- [TOD-209] Welcome, campers.
How did you blow a whistle?
[TOD-209] Let's make some camp memories.
And don't forget,
tonight is big last-slash-only night
of camp dance.
Girls' cabin on left, boys' on right.
Huh. This place is like summer camp,
which would explain
that weird Nobel Prize acceptance speech
Menachem Begin gave
after the Camp David Accords.
[speaks in Hebrew]
[translator in English]
I want to dedicate this
to the coolest dudes
in the history of Color Wars.
Blue Team rules,
Red Team drools.
[cow moos]
You have to ask Simon to that dance.
At my church camp dance,
I lost my virginity
pledge.
So I had to sign another one.
[upbeat music playing]
Simon, can I ask you something?
Uh, you just did.
[Dr. Braun laughs]
You're so funny.
[chuckles] I know.
Wait, I have to share
that amazing joke with my new girlfriend.
Oh, right, you weren't in the limo.
Yeah, Dr. Levine
Sorry, Sharon and I
are pretty hot and heavy.
And in addition to sweating a lot
from carrying around extra weight,
we're also dating!
[Simon and Sharon laughing]
[Dr. Braun laughs awkwardly]
Johnny, what's the point of a power lunch
with a fella what ain't got none?
Look, I'm never gonna get anything done
with Matty Mulligan in charge.
He doesn't understand bribes.
He just says "thanks"
and kisses me on the forehead.
I need you back in the White House.
Well, that's not gonna happen.
I thought I was building a new coalition
by handing out those tampons,
but that went sideways but quick.
- Gah!
- [dramatic music playing]
What happened
to the Republican Party headquarters?
Oh, so many people
showed up for the free tampons,
we decided to just turn it into
a communal women's workspace.
- [dramatic music plays]
- [LaMarr] Ugh! [panting]
- [muffled] Yuh okeh? Wanna Luna Bah?
- [LaMarr groaning]
Listen, you getting fired
is an opportunity.
We can finally get rid of Mulligan
and put you in charge.
Then you can bring back money,
and also bring back
people being nice to me because I have it.
I'm gonna make you president.
There's just one small issue.
Nobody likes you.
I'm liked in the parts of South Carolina
where we let the votes get counted.
This ain't South Carolina, man.
We need to humanize you.
I'm running Saturday Night Live
now that Lorne Michaels
collaborated with aliens
and went to live on Cardi-B.
So I was having dinner
with Jeeblort Goldfarb.
Going on SNL will show everyone
you have a sense of humor.
Remember when Kim Jong-un
went on "Carpool Karaoke"
to make him seem likable
next to James Corden?
Or when Nixon went on Laugh-In. [laughs]
I took the modesty blanket
off the TV that night, I'll tell you.
- Yes. "President Cartwright LaMarr."
- [patriotic music playing]
That'll show Mother.
And silence Father's restless ghost.
Cool motivation.
- [Simon and Sharon laughing]
- So, wow. How did this?
Ah, you tell it so much better.
But I'm gonna tell it.
Obviously, Simon and I
knew each other already,
but dentistry is intimate.
And from the moment he sat
that little tuchus in my chair,
I knew that was a mouth
I wanted to do more than clean.
[Simon and Sharon moaning]
Wow. Balloon Boy got hot.
So I just had to make
a follow-up appointment
for later that night.
Farrah, Sharon and I are so happy.
And you made me go to the dentist.
So it's all because of you, buddy.
[both moaning]
Every single word of that got worse.
- [Jeremy fanfares]
- [ostrich screeches]
No, no. Stay. [grunts]
Welcome to my camp, chief.
I don't see you having a camp.
We did. It's called India.
I think you mean Native America.
And speaking of calling things,
top bunk!
You knave.
You said where the "girls and boys" sleep.
Now which cabin is for alien beings
who have evolved beyond gender?
[TOD-209] Six.
[Axatrax groans]
[can sprays]
And what is that odor? I hate it.
Oh, it's bug-repellent.
Wow. As if I were
not already repelled enough.
I never asked to come here.
[Tod-209] Processing.
Homesickness identified.
[Dr. Braun sighs]
Okay, that was fun while it lasted.
No, you can't give up.
Look, there's no way
it's serious with Simon and Sharon yet.
She only broke up with 'Scotty,
like, last week.
[mascot] Yuh brakuh up wimme?!
Ah convuhded ta Joodah-ism fuh yoo!
Simon and Sharon, couple's name "Sharon,"
is not even a thing yet.
Come on. What would Camp Farrah do?
She wouldn't let them have a moment alone.
It's third-wheel time.
Like on a tricycle, yo.
[heavy breathing]
Hey guys, wait up.
[suspenseful music playing]
[leaves rustling]
- [Matty grunting]
- Unhand us. We are your guest.
Yeah, from a country
where all the buses have upstairses.
It's my turn
to do something normal but higher.
- [both grunt]
- [Matty laughs]
This sort of behavior
is why you don't have any friends.
I don't need friends
'cause they just hold me back.
You mean like belts do?
- [Jeremy grunts]
- [Matty grunts, cries]
That didn't hurt.
I'm crying
'cause I'm watching Field of Dreams.
Huzzah!
[whimsical music plays]
Opposite of huzzah.
[somber music plays]
Blast!
My Elizabeth has found her Porchie
before I could become her Philip
and just be like, old and racist forever.
[both] Red Rover, Red Rover,
send Sharon right over.
In a minute. I'm schvitzing.
[sighs] Forget it. You take the top.
Why? Wait, what's wrong with it?
No. You take the top!
- Oh.
- [Matty grunting]
- Get up there!
- St Stop that.
Give me the bottom! That's what she said.
[TOD-209] Campers. No fighting at camp.
This buffoon won't stop attacking me.
I'm not a buffoon.
I'm a cool instrument, like a saxophone.
[TOD-209] This Peace Summit.
Counselor TOD locking door
until you make peace.
Camp-style.
[mechanical whirs]
[power drill whirring]
[Zhao] Looking good, LaMarr.
It's gonna be a great show.
Questlove is the host
but not the musical guest.
So, yeah, it's gonna be a weird show.
Johnny, I'm not so sure
about some of these silly make-'em-ups.
What's funny about me being old?
Yesterday, I struggled
to get up out of my chair,
then audibly passed gas
and fell into a hole.
Who would laugh at that?
Being old is, like, the only thing
people know about you.
You gotta own it.
Like when Clinton
took out his wang on Leno.
Did that happen, or?
And here's theater actor P.D. Blaze.
He's gonna play your father.
Phineas Duke Blaze, it's a pleasure.
You're gonna be great.
Just have fun with it.
That's the worst advice
you could give a performer.
They're stupid.
They need specific direction.
But that man
looks nothing like Senator Daddy.
He doesn't have his mane of white hair,
let alone his bow tie
and ever-present pipe.
[chuckles]
Oh, I remember the smell of that pipe.
I'd pour his ashtray all over myself
and just roll around in it
to get his scent all over me.
Okay, wow, another cool story.
I just don't know if all of this is me.
You?
What you?
You're a politician.
Are you telling me you like tampons
or understand what hole they go in?
"Hole"?
- "In"?
- [dramatic music plays]
This is how we make you president.
Just read the cue cards.
Trust the writers, man.
But don't look too close at them.
They are rough.
[Zhao shudders]
[LaMarr sighs]
[gentle music playing]
- [handle rattling]
- [banging]
Who's in there?
The president's gotta take a leak.
That's not the loo.
That's the door we came in.
The "loo"?
Is that what you guys call bathrooms?
Well, the loo. Lav. W.C.
We got the john. The can. The head.
The facilities. Gents. The mud closet.
- Crapper. Commode. The little boys' room.
- The gobbler.
- New York City.
- Thirsty Cedric.
- That's a lot of toilet names!
- That's a lot of toilet names.
[both] Jinx! Double jinx! Infinity jinx!
[laughs] Well played, sir.
Not too shabby yourself.
I didn't know
you guys had jinx in England.
Oh yes, we take it very seriously.
I once silenced
the entire crowd at Glastonbury
for singing along to Coldplay.
- Huh.
- [Jeremy sighs]
I do miss the old sod.
The taxi cabs here
are so garish and car-like.
But if my father hadn't shipped me off
to keep me
from further embarrassing the family,
I wouldn't be alive today.
My old man kicked me out, too.
Dads, am I right?
[both] Maybe it's for the best
that he's dead.
Jinx! Double jinx! Infinity jinx!
Are we best friends now?
[heavy breathing]
[startled grunt]
[TOD-209] There you are.
Why not play with others?
Because I hate it here.
- [insect buzzing]
- The insects are morons.
And you call this "bug juice"?
It tastes nothing
like my mother's cloacal effluvia.
[TOD-209] TOD has lots of experience
with homesick campers.
And Axatrax's home
even farther away than most campers'.
Best cure for homesickness?
Have fun, camp-style.
Executing montage protocol.
[upbeat music playing]
[TOD-209] C-A-M-P ♪
D-A then add a "V" ♪
Don't forget "I-D" ♪
What's that spell? Camp David ♪
When I say "Camp," you say "David" ♪
Camp, camp, camp, camp, c c camp ♪
System rebooting ♪
[bear roars]
Begin and Sadat, Barak and Arafat ♪
The friends you make at ol' Camp Dave
Will be with you for all your days ♪
Camp David ♪
[music crescendos]
[joyful music playing]
[water splashes]
[Dr. Braun] Whoa! Ah!
Charley horse.
[Simon blowing]
[Dr. Braun coughing]
Oh, Simon, you saved her.
I know CPR
because I was in a babysitters' club
that I successfully sued to make co-ed.
Well, that was humiliating.
Good thing my Simey was there.
My Simey.
Also, something in the lake
pulled off your pants,
so that's why you're wearing a trash bag.
[Dr. Braun sighs]
As I say to my patients,
for being a good boy,
you can pick a prize
from the treasure chest.
[Simon chuckles]
[Dr. Braun] Ugh.
Okay, the dance is in an hour,
and I think that trash bag
could look cute with a belt
Are you serious? Look at me.
I'm literally a garbage person.
- But come on, you're Camp Farrah.
- [Dr. Braun] I'm not.
[sighs] I'm a 42-year-old mother
of two children,
who, according to King Urgmel,
are now "vassals of the Underlands."
There's so much misery
in this sad, broken world.
And yet, here I am trying to keep
two people from being happy?
What is wrong with me?
Hey, sorry to bother you on vacation.
The kids. Any food allergies?
- Tree nuts.
- Okay, got it.
Have fun.
I am Belzar of the Underlands!
[Belzar grunts, snarls]
[singer] It's the Robot-Bear Talk Show ♪
- [music crescendos]
- [audience applauds]
Hello, it's me,
former Vice President Cartwright LaMarr.
- [audience chuckles]
- And I'm so old, I survived the attack
because the aliens
thought I was already a skeleton.
I'm so old.
[audience continues applauding]
Why don't I take it from here, Joey?
I'm so old,
I remember when this show was funny.
- [audience laughs]
- But I was young once.
It wasn't too, too long ago.
[audience applauding]
[Grimes] It's a cave.
They're cave people, 'cause he's old.
This is wonderful.
Daddy, did you hear the news?
Fire was invented.
[audience laughs]
- Huh?
- [whimsical music plays]
Fire?
Oog, what that, son?
[audience laughing]
That's his dad. He's a caveman.
How do they come up with this stuff?
Senator Pop-pop?
That's not the right line, man.
- [dramatic music plays]
- It was never right with you, was it?
You disapproved of everything I did.
I'm sure you disapprove of this.
Uh, cave-son
But I'm only doing this because of you.
You wanted to be president,
and I just wanted to make you proud.
Oh, I'd do anything
to fulfill your dream, Father.
- But no more. Not this.
- [audience laughs]
[Grimes laughs]
Still getting it.
Still in on the joke.
What are you laughing at?
It's not funny.
This is my life.
- [audience continues laughing]
- These are my real feelings.
Aw, snap, he's being serious.
That's even funnier.
[audience continues laughing]
Okay, so we both
come out all angry, right?
And then I'm like,
"The peace talks went bad!"
"And not
the Michael Jackson meaning of 'bad, '
where, you know, you turn yourself white
and lure poor kids to your mansion"
- I think we can go faster there.
- So I go, "We're going to war!"
And then we both say
- "On the dance floor!"
- "On the dance floor!"
And we drop some Kid 'n Play on 'em.
[both grunting]
Five or ten minutes later,
when the applause dies down,
we sign the treaty
and make the friendship
between our countries official.
You know, Matthew, I was thinking,
that in addition to the amity
between our nations,
we could perhaps
also codify this friendship.
What I mean to say is, well
I made you a friendship bracelet.
- Jinx!
- [both laugh]
K.J., for real, I actually
don't like playing Frisbee alone.
But I lost all my guy friends
a long time ago.
You know, they got married and had kids,
and then it's like,
"Matty, you can't smoke in here.
My baby's sick." [scoffs]
So
[whimsical music playing]
[Jeremy laughs]
Wait,
when did we make these?
Yeah, we were together all day.
[both] Eh.
Hey, get out there, it's goodnights.
P.D. Blaze is wearing
a controversial t-shirt.
I don't care.
That was a disaster.
Are you crazy?
You got big laughs.
Now they know
you're an old person with no dignity.
That's halfway to being president.
But it's over.
I spent my entire career trying to be
whatever those people wanted me to be.
But those folks
don't deserve Cartwright LaMarr.
Heck, being president
wasn't even my dream anyway.
Like from the sketch.
To hell with this!
And to hell with America!
That's what P.D.'s shirt says.
[heavy breathing]
[Wanda] I can't believe
it's the last night.
[Gary] I'm gonna miss this place so much.
[mechanical whirring]
[bug light crackling]
Oh, what now?
Are you gonna try
to make me do that cups song with you
at the camp talent show?
[TOD-209] No.
Look, TOD get wanting to go home.
All TOD remember of home is palm trees.
TOD hope TOD not from Florida.
I wish remember where I come from.
So why TOD stop Axatrax from remembering?
Tell me, what Axatrax miss?
Oh. Wow.
Well, that musty bunkhouse
sure made me miss my cube.
And tonight's my book club
with the girls in tent city.
I hate to miss that.
I love that all the museums are free.
Plus, I'm kind of a foodie,
so I love all the stray cats.
[TOD-209] That is what you miss?
Axatrax, those things not on Cardi-B.
You're right.
I was homesick
for D.C.
Oh my God.
No, I mean Kragnorp.
No!
I mean regular, white,
muscular, American Earth God.
I like this planet.
With no hive-mind to tell me what to do,
I have the freedom to be whatever I want
without fear
of getting laser-chomped to super-death.
Earth is my home now.
And you helped me realize that.
You are a good camp counselor, TOD.
[whimsical music plays]
This is gonna be sick.
Ah, sick indeed.
Like when you take too much molly
and even throwing it back up feels great.
Thanks for making England let me go,
Mr. President.
I knew you wouldn't forget about me.
- Who was that?
- I forgot about that guy.
Wait, dude, quick question.
Are we somehow about to make
a TV show about lesbians boring?
'Cause it's showtime!
See you on stage, pal.
[Jeremy] Hmm.
[Simon and Sharon laughing]
Luceline, what in God's name,
which, in the Anglican church, is Jeffrey,
is going on over there?
You mean Simon and Sharon?
Yeah, they're sitting in a tree,
if you know what I mean.
But I thought he and Farrah
were co-arborists.
Where is Dr. Braun?
Oh. [sighs] She didn't want to come.
Because of that.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm!
- Oh! Oh yeah.
I don't think she wants
to see anyone right now.
She's just sitting in the woods,
all sad and vulnerable
[Jeremy] Pyew!
Also, we're together now, if anyone cares.
Oh, baby, my wife survived.
[piano music playing]
The peace talks went bad.
Don't do the Michael Jackson thing.
So now we're at war
on the dance floor!
[Matty chuckling]
King Jere.
On the dance floor! [chuckles]
Where are you, buddy?
He
left.
[music halts]
I'm sorry, Matty.
[Matty sobbing]
Uh, okay. Ah, that's great.
[laughs, cries]
I wanted to do this alone, actually.
It's a one-person dance.
- Isn't that the Kid 'n Play?
- No! It's legally different.
They can't sue me!
I mean [sniffles]
was this in the Kid 'n Play dance?
I hereby officially hate England,
and so do all of you!
And I hate Jeremy!
[crying, straining]
Even though he's so good at knots!
[whimsical music plays]
[LaMarr] So this is where it ends.
Nothing left for me
but to lie in state here in the Rotunda.
[LaMarr sighs]
Come and get me.
- [LVAD beeps]
- [LVAD] LVAD battery at 100 percent
Oh, who asked you, girly?
[whimsical music playing]
[Matty huffing]
Ow!
I can't believe it's over already.
Oh my God, I can't wait to see my room.
I left some grapes on the radiator.
Do you think they're raisins now?
Definitely.
Oh, there's one thing I forgot.
[Axatrax panting]
Oh, brudder.
[bug light crackles, zaps]
[bushes rustling]
Is someone there?
[growling]
Gah! Save me, human God! [pants]
Bobzorb?
[in Cardibean] General Axatrax!
Thank Kragnorp you're alive!
[dramatic music playing]
[upbeat music playing]
[TOD-209 in English] C-A-M-P ♪
D-A then add a "V" ♪
Don't forget "I-D" ♪
What's that spell? Camp David ♪
When I say "Camp," you say "David" ♪
Camp, camp, camp, camp, c c camp ♪
System rebooting ♪
Begin and Sadat, Barak and Arafat ♪
The friends you make at ol' Camp Dave
Will be with you for all your days ♪
Camp David ♪
[gentle instrumental music playing]
[music fades]