My Family (2000) s02e09 Episode Script

Of course, the key question is, have you ever had any actual experience as a dental assistant? Three years at UCH, two years at Guy's.
It's all on the CV.
What about any interesting facts that didn't quite make it to your little CV? - Excuse me? - Any quirks or habits? Do you suddenly burst out singing whenever there's a song in your heart? Forget to come to work because your chakra's out of line or perhaps you're into puppetry? Doing little shows in the waiting room with the dentures like my last assistant? No, Mr Harper, I'm dedicated and very hard-working.
The only thing that matters is knowing you've done your best.
Knowing you've done your? Yes.
Yes, it's I usually settle for a whisky and a lie-down.
But, er, that's good.
Very good.
- Well, I'm impressed, Mr? - James.
- James? - No, just James.
Like Madonna.
Or Satan.
The problem with being married so long is that every year there's another anniversary.
At the beginning, you can start off with small gifts but as the years go by you have to come up with something bigger and more original.
Hmm.
This year I'm getting her a set of tyres.
- Steel-belted, of course.
- Uh-huh.
Big Fit haven't delivered them yet.
Four weeks ago I ordered them.
What are they doing - stealing them from a monkey house? You can start cleaning up now, Mrs Nancy.
Mrs Nancy? New assistant.
For reasons only known to a pitiless god, the agency only sends me the halt and the lame.
I sometimes think the entire labour pool comes from Lourdes.
You can spit now.
Uxbridge! Last stop, Uxbridge! Oh-ho! - See you tomorrow, then.
- Yeah.
Not if I change the locks.
All right, Mr Smith, up you come.
Now, let's have a little look, shall we? Mm-hm, what do you think? Oh, these teeth look more real than my real ones.
You, sir, are a true artist.
That's very nice.
(Chuckles) Not many patients appreciate the handiwork in a set of dentures.
I do.
I think you're the Michelangelo of the molar! Please! There's no need to say that.
No, I mean it.
These aren't just false teeth.
They're 28 individually sculpted masterpieces.
Each one the same but in some subtle way different.
Different? Oh, only doing my job.
Come on.
Don't you know how to take a compliment? I don't know, this is my first one.
Er, sorry, what's this? Your fee.
My fee? No, no, no! Ha! Some mistake.
Let me explain the system.
I do the best work I know how, then, before I get that, the NHS sends me forms to fill in, makes me wait half a year and then I get that if I'm lucky.
This is your lucky day cos I pay cash.
And I'm gonna be sending you a lot more business.
The boys who work for me have been asking about a dental plan.
And we bloody well need it considering the number of teeth that get broke in our line of work.
What line of business is that? - Dance.
- Dance.
Organised dance and waste removal.
Lovely.
There's something for everyone.
Right, just give me a minute and I'll have you out of here.
- What's that? - Just writing a receipt.
Or Or not.
Clever boy.
Now we're laughin'! - Hi, Mum.
- Hello, Mrs Harper.
Oh, could you take five minutes and help me look for something? - It's never five minutes.
- Of course, I'd love to help.
Oh, that some night-tripping fairy had exchang'd in cradle-clothes our children where they lay.
That's why nothing ever takes five minutes.
It's our anniversary in a few days and I still haven't found what your father got me.
- Why not wait? - What was it last year? The Millennium Edition DustBuster.
How about the year before that? - A Breville sandwich maker.
- My mum's got one.
- Ooh, lucky her! - But we never have sandwiches.
I exchanged it before he gave it to me, put the new gift where he hid the old one and on our anniversary, voila, I love my gift and he's too forgetful or embarrassed to say he got me something else and everybody's happy.
Erm I think I'll go home now.
Now d'you see why I have no friends? At least you don't have to eat cheese sandwiches every night.
Hello, dear, how was your day? Boring, hopeless or just plain crap? Unnerving.
That's a new one.
I've got this new patient, keeps calling me an artist.
Wants to refer me to his mates.
That is unnerving.
Enjoy the compliment.
I did! That's what got me into this mess.
- You'll ruin your dinner.
- I thought that was your job.
- My job is to ruin your life.
- Ah.
- What mess? - Well, I don't know, there's something very strange about this Mr Smith.
- You know what I think? - Something negative? - I think he's an underworld kingpin.
- I win.
It's true.
Susan, look at this.
- He paid cash.
- Ooh, cash! Filthy, bad! (lmitates spitting) You know what he does for a living? Whatever he does he obviously does it well.
Dance.
Organised dance and waste removal.
How delightfully bimedia.
Are you avoiding the obvious? Yes, because the obvious is you're a paranoid old fart.
If I had to acknowledge that on a daily basis, I'd have to hire Mr Smith in to remove you - ha! Janey, get off the phone and set the table.
Go on, laugh.
Until one morning you find a horse's head in your bed.
I've been waking up with a horse's arse for years.
- Who's getting a horse? - No one.
Could you not wear that any more? What? I love this T-shirt.
You can see your nipples and it makes me sick.
- Wear something more your age.
- A shroud, perhaps? - (Gasps) Pretty - Keep your hands off, please.
It's been tainted by the mob.
Then we better get rid of it fast.
Funny, we said that the day you were born.
- Why is no one eating? - We're letting it breathe.
- To bring out the bouquet.
- I'd rather bring out the bin.
- Is this a baby corn? - Of course not.
There's never baby corn in risotto di mare della Susanna.
- It's a tentacle.
- (All) Oh! For God's sake, why are you all afraid to try something new? Experience? Teaches us that, you know, in many ways Should I help you, Dad? You're digging your own grave.
(Thump at door) That'll be for me, it's my new rubber pants.
Oh (Chuckles) So, another anniversary coming up, huh? (Sly chuckle) Twenty er - Three.
- Three! Right, yeah.
Have I got a surprise for you.
- And I'll have one for you.
- (Laughs) - Oh, it's still here.
- What was it? Some bloke just left a set of tyres.
Oh, no! There goes the surprise.
I told Big Fit three times to deliver to the surgery.
These blokes weren't from Big Fit, more like Photofit.
Big scary guys, just tossed out the tyres and ran, man.
I could do a job like that.
Oh, my God! I can't believe it's starting already.
I can't believe you bought me tyres.
Mum, these are all all-weather, steel-belted tyres.
Nice one, Dad.
- You wanna look? - And ruin my surprise? Oh, no.
I'd get too choked up.
And so would your father.
Susan, you don't understand, this is a gift from the mob.
- What mob? - Dad's involved with the mob! What would the mob want Dad for? Target practice? Oh, yes.
Fine, laugh.
Go on, laugh.
Until I botch up a gangster's filling and mysteriously disappear.
At least I'll have the tyres to remember you by.
- What if this is really? - Ben, there is no mob.
Of course there is.
They control through drug trafficking, gambling, real estate and prostitution.
Incredible.
Are they taking on staff? - They do have some standards.
- Don't talk to me like that.
My dad's connected.
Nobody's connected.
We're giving the tyres back.
We do not accept favours from people like that.
I wouldn't mind something happening to the ugly gnomes next door.
- I like the Baxters.
- Not the family.
The gnomes.
- Although - Can't you hear yourselves? Stop it! Everything we have - the clothes on our backs and the food on the table - is made from the sweat of our brow.
That explains the risotto.
(Vehicle approaches, tyres squeal) (Thud, rustling) (Door slams, vehicle speeds away) Did you hear something? Yep.
- Are you gonna do anything? - Yeah.
Good night.
Ben? Ben? Oh, bloody hell! What did you do that for? - Are you awake? - Oh, fine! Good.
Your patient left a large box of meat at our door.
Meat? What do you mean, meat? The usual.
Chops, fillets, mince.
Oh, my God, what are we supposed to do now? I was thinking shepherd's pie.
(Vehicle approaches, tyres squeal) (Door opens, soft thud) (Door closes, vehicle drives away) Maybe they forgot the two veg.
Come on.
(Groans) Was that always there? I've made a mess of my whole life.
- What do we do with it? - If we bring it in, - we've accepted it.
- Out there it'll spoil.
- Maybe we should keep it.
- Is this any way to talk about your son? If we accept gifts from them, they'll own me for life.
After two and half weeks they'll want to give you back.
- You find this very amusing.
- Can we discuss it tomorrow? We'll say, "Where's the meat?" I'll say, "I sent it back.
" (Both gasp) Oh, my God! I thought you were a decapitated horse.
No, I just feel like one.
- Cut down in my prime.
- Oh, Nicky, what happened? Melinda wants to get married.
- That's wonderful.
- You're moving out? - She's marrying someone else.
- So you'll be moving out? She says she loves me but I show no signs of growth.
No signs of growth? Ridiculous.
Mummy! So I'll be moving out.
The first thing you should do is get a good night's sleep.
- In your own bed.
- First thing tomorrow you call Melinda and tell her you're willing to change.
But I don't want to change.
I like who I am, I want her to change.
- Now you sound like a baby.
- Is that a crime? Don't babies deserve happiness? What else is youth for? - May I say something? - Sympathetic or harsh? Let's see what comes out, shall we? - Stop whining, it's pathetic! - I hope that was the harsh bit.
Come on, act like a man! - (Bang from outside) - Get down! (Nick) Dad? (Ben, whimpering) Yeah? (Nick) That's not Mum you're holding.
Am I right in assuming you're not Mrs Shapiro, my nine o'clock? Would I be right in assuming that the doors, at one point, had been locked? Oh, you could use better ones.
Like a dead bolt or a double latch.
And the one round the back's no use at all.
At least not any more.
Why do I get the feeling you're an associate of Mr Smith? - He's my uncle.
- He's Ah, family.
I'm his nephew.
- Mooo.
- Moo? Moo as in cute little milk cow? Mooo as in "Mooo your bloody arse!" Look, I know I told your uncle I'd love to work on some of his dancers but, erm you need to have an appointment.
Why? - I'm your new assistant.
- You're my what? Uncle John said you needed help.
- More than I ever feared.
- So just tell me what to do.
I've got a good feel for instruments - you could take out an eye with this.
No, you can't.
I mean, you could but you can't.
Leave that alone.
- (Drill whirs) - Whee! Handsome! Look, please, Mr Mooo Don't touch that.
Just stop it.
If you want to assist, don't do anything until you're told.
Or Or asked nicely.
Uh.
Sorted.
Oh, God.
I always imagined life would go from bad to worse but I never imagined it would be this quick.
There's something I forgot.
How to use your opposable thumb? A little gift from my uncle to say thank you for hiring me.
Hire? No, look, Mr Mooo.
Erm No more gifts, all right? Er As my assistant, I would like you to assist me in taking this and the tyres and the 40 pounds of meat back to your uncle.
- And hurt his feelings? No way.
- He won't be offended.
Tell that to the last bloke who returned one of his gifts.
Oh, wait.
You can't.
I Er Right.
Oh, I'd love this, just what I wanted.
- He wants you to open it.
- I couldn't.
No, he said, "Open it!" - Open it.
- Yeah.
- God, this is a Cartier watch.
- Yeah, a two grand Cartier.
All gold and look at the cute little winder there.
Look, Mooo, I, erm I really, honestly can't thank you enough.
It's really lovely.
Thank you so much.
No, the fillet steak sold out in the first hour but we still have a set of steel-belted radials in stock.
No, we don't take cheques.
There's someone on the other line who's very interested.
I don't care who you are but you're contributing to the corruption of a minor which I believe is still frowned upon by the courts.
Now bog off! That was my maths teacher! We need more chops, Christie's looking Oh, hi, Mum.
- What is going on here? - We're trying to clean up.
Dad won't take it back, you say we can't keep it so we're selling it.
- And really cleaning up.
- Enough is enough.
I'm not having my children fencing auto parts and meat by-products.
If you want a piece of the action, just ask.
And if you want to see puberty, just stop.
Oh, yes.
Lovely.
(Susan) Ben? (Wildlife documentary on TV) - I didn't hear you come in.
- Oh, I'm in.
I'm watching a programme on, erm - Nature.
- Yep, good old reliable nature.
- I think I've seen this one.
- They're all the same.
Y'know planet ends, man runs amok, cycle of life, blah, blah, blah, it's all so depressing.
No, this one's about sex.
See? The natterjack toad has a problem.
If he wants to mate with the alpha female, he has to croak louder than the other toads.
But when he does that, bats hone in on his call and devour him.
(Croaking on TV) I hope there's not a point to this story.
- It just makes me laugh.
- (Loud croaking) (Bats fluttering and screeching) He's quicker than me.
You were wrong about your patient's gifts.
You never should've accepted them.
- Me? - I'm not dentist to the mob.
Oh, no, no! You're not blaming this on me! You were the one who thought it was funny.
I also thought children would be fun.
Whoops! How did we start on this descent into hell? - You went off the pill.
- You know what I mean.
You have to tell Mr Smith, enough, it's over.
- No, I can't.
- Why not? - They'd see it as a slight.
- Gosh.
Big bad gangsters feel a slight while our own dear children are sucked into a downward spiral of vice and dissipation.
Could there be anything worse? Yes, me in a shallow grave in Epping Forest.
- Oh, right.
Me, me, me, me.
- Right! - Where are you going? - Fine, I'll protect your brood.
Y'know, I went the natterjack toad one better.
I cut out the courting and the croaking and went out and mated with a bat.
But I don't understand.
I like you! The boys like you.
We pay on time, we give you gifts.
You've been more than generous, more than kind.
But it's a little complicated because I'm a family man.
Well, what about our family? What about the boys? I mean, Mooo sees you like the father he never had.
I mean, he had a father but he died unexpectedly.
- In a dance accident? - Exactly.
Erm Mr Smith, I-I wish it could be different but, er, I didn't want it to be this way.
Is it Mooo? Cos I can have him removed.
No! No, no, Mooo's fine.
Don't do that, he's wonderful.
- So you wanna keep him on? - He's not that wonderful.
Look, Mr Smith, this has all got to stop.
- What do you mean? - I want to return the gifts.
- All of them? - Mm-hm.
As if nothing ever existed between us? Don't get me wrong, I never meant for any of this to happen.
- (Scoffs) That's original! - Look, I don't want to hurt you and, God knows, I don't want you to hurt me.
Fine, forget the tyres, just give me back the watch.
Fine, oh, that's wonderful.
You'll have them back right away.
And don't bother with the meat.
It was a little past its best when we found it.
(Muttering) Come on! - Looking for something? - No.
Just, er, tidying up.
Nice work.
I've always thought it was the children messing up the house but it was you - tidying up.
- Let me help.
- I don't need help.
This chest is private.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
Yes, it is.
No! Every man needs a space to keep his private things and this chest is mine.
- What about the sock drawer? - No.
That's where you hide your magazines.
Well, that was my decoy private space and you fell for it.
Ha! No, this chest is my private space and now go away.
Maybe I don't want to go away.
And maybe, while I was putting away the sheets, I accidentally found something, maybe a gift, that my darling husband had hidden.
You can't leave things alone.
That fire extinguisher was meant to be a surprise.
Fire extinguisher? Then who was the Cartier watch for? You! You! The fire extinguisher was meant as a little joke gift, you see? - Oh! - Oh - Are you crying? - After all these years when I never thought you'd ever notice and now And now this.
And now this.
- Are you crying too? - Yeah.
Tears of joy, Susan.
Tears of bloody joy.
- I'm in hell, Dad.
- Welcome to the club.
I'm in love with someone who's ruining my life.
Welcome to the club.
- Any club rules? - Yep.
One.
If it hurts or it's embarrassing, shut up, no one wants to hear about it.
I love her, Dad! I didn't think I cared but now I do.
And I want her back but I don't want to change and I don't want to lose her.
I never thought I could love another person as much as I love me.
Yeah I know.
It's the same with me Erm Mr Smith gave me a L2,000 watch and, erm he wants it back, right? But your mother found it in the chest and she thinks I bought it for her when, in fact, I really bought her a fire extinguisher which one day might save her life and, erm Now my life's in danger because I can't give Mr Smith the L2,000 watch back and I don't know what to do.
Dad, please.
Club rules.
Although, I do have an idea that could help you.
Why don't you just ask Mum for the watch back? You really don't understand women at all, do you? That's what I've just been trying to tell you.
OK, right, plan B.
What you do is, you set the house on fire and when everyone runs away, you grab the watch.
Yeah, but everybody could get killed.
That's the brilliant idea.
Mum will really appreciate that fire extinguisher.
Yeee No, forget it.
Your mother's got the watch, - your mother's gonna keep it.
- Won't the mob break your legs? That's nothing compared to what your mother will break.
Open it.
This isn't the watch I gave you.
Yeah, I know The thing is my wife's wearing the one you gave me and so I went out to the jeweller's and bought another one and went over the limit on my credit card.
It's just like it, I hope you don't mind.
Mind? Why should I mind? I mean, this one's real! (Laughs) Look, guys, he went out and bought a real one! Next time come to me, I can get you a bargain.
I miss you.
Your mother home? Good.
Hello, Melinda.
Glad things worked out.
Who's Melinda? It's my middle name.
Ohhh, yes! Ah, Susan, you're home.
I know.
- I was out running errands.
- I know.
- You know? - Yes, the jeweller's called.
- They did? - Cartier's won't engrave a counterfeit Cartier watch.
Counterfeit? They said the watch was counterfeit? Yes.
They also said you were in buying a new one.
You little sweetheart! - When do I get to see it? - Oh When do the jeweller's close? - They're already closed.
- Ah, right, well Close your eyes.
I'll be right back.
Two thousand five hundred and sixty? - Five.
five pounds.
Yeah.
You're a very good husband.
I hope this one's real.
Do I look like a crook?