Nightcap (2016) s02e09 Episode Script

1 [lively trumpet music.]
Sam, I really, really want to thank you for meeting me.
I am so flattered you read my novel.
I mean, when a big publishing house Ice cold.
These meatballs are literally ice cold.
Maybe they're not used to making spaghetti and meatballs at 8:00 in the morning.
It's a diner.
If they offer spaghetti and meatballs all day, they should be cooked correctly whenever you ordered them.
God damn it.
Um my novel.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
It has always been a passion project of mine.
And the idea that you're considering it I'm not considering it.
Why? Because I sided with the diner on the whole meatball thing? No, look, I'm not one to pussyfoot around, so you'll excuse me for being blunt.
Of course.
You manuscript was a piece of [bleep.]
.
Well, I think a little pussyfooting around would have been nice.
It all takes place on a European river cruise, but it was obvious you've never been on a river cruise.
Well, I was on a Carnival cruise line three years ago, one of the big ones with the norovirus.
It was also like you've never been to Europe.
Well, I haven't.
But I don't think Charles Dickens went to London before he wrote "Oliver Twist.
" He lived in London, which is in Europe.
And you write about Argentina.
- Yes.
- You know what's not in Europe? Argentina.
Argentina is the Europe of South America.
Do you even have the internet? I don't understand; if this novel isn't your cup of tea, why did you even agree to meet with me? When we first met, you told me all kinds of wild stories about the show.
Readers eat that kind of stuff up.
I want you to write a tell-all about Jimmy.
You guys publish that kind of stuff? We used to focus on educational books and fine literature, but ever since Trump was elected, we've had to dumb it down a bit.
Our best-seller first quarter was an adult coloring book called "What Color Is Dat Ass?" Oh, that's fun.
We'd love this book from you, Staci.
I can wire you a healthy advance almost immediately if you say yes.
I love a healthy advance.
I don't know.
I'd have to think about it.
I mean, I'd love to out this shmuck Jimmy, of course.
This would kill "Nightcap.
" Okay, I understand.
If you change your mind, give me a call.
Okay.
You know, I'm not sure if these oysters are bad.
- Would you? - Me? A diner oyster? [sighs.]
[gags.]
They're bad.
From Studio 9B in the heart of New York City, it's "Nightcap with Jimmy!" Tonight, the skinniest Real Housewife of New York, Bethenny Frankel.
One of America's top five favorite fictional lifeguards, David Hasselhoff.
Jimmy puts on his psychic cape for another visit from Jimmynac the Magnificent.
And now, number five in the ratings but number one in our hearts, here's Jimmy! It's not butter.
It's a croissant.
Yeah, but might as well just eat a whole stick of butter.
[all speaking indistinctly.]
Hello, everyone.
Everyone, let's start the meeting.
Shut up! Hi.
How is everyone today? Well, I'm very tired.
I didn't sleep last night Okay, that was a rhetorical question.
We have an amazing show tonight.
Bethenny Frankel is here.
We also have David Hasselhoff.
- We do? - Yes.
Yeah, "Knight Rider," black car, big jaw.
Hey, David Hasselhoff, the '90s called All right, listen, before you [bleep.]
all over David Hasselhoff, he's my uncle.
Oh, I'm sorry.
The '90s didn't call.
Oh, my.
It must be so fun having David Hasselhoff as your uncle.
The only famous person in my family is my great uncle Charles Manson, the killer.
I'm sorry to interrupt you all.
Todd, what happened with the dry cleaning? Oh, it wasn't ready.
I know that.
Oh, I'm I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'll pick it up when it's ready.
Oh, okay.
I'll tell Jimmy you said that, but I won't tell him about the tone.
What tone? Oh, and now you're yelling at me.
As his girlfriend, I'm not sure I can keep that from Jimmy.
What? I have a quick question.
Who would you rather, me or [together.]
Christie Brinkley.
[energetic brass music.]
Ohm.
I'm so sorry to bother you, Bethenny.
I'm just with the show and wanted to see if you need anything.
I will not be speaking today.
But I just heard you speak.
That's it; I will not be speaking again today.
Okay, can I just ask why? Because I have several speaking engagements coming up.
I just screamed my [bleep.]
ing head off at "The Real Housewives" reunion, And my doctor told me I need to rest my voice now.
Understood.
I watched the reunion, and I just have to say, Ramona totally deserved it.
Of course she [bleep.]
ing deserved it.
She's a disaster.
They're all a bunch of [bleep.]
ing whores.
Oh, my God.
[silently.]
- I have a tablet.
- Okay.
You're going to use this all day.
You will be me today.
- I will be you today.
- You will be me today.
I will be texting you what you should say.
You will be me.
You're my voice.
I love it.
What an honor, you skinny bitch.
Skinny girl, bitch.
Skinny girl, bitch.
Now it starts.
Now it starts bi girl.
[energetic brass music.]
This is called "crafty.
" This is where the Hoff gets his sustenance to get through the show.
All right, you guys, I'm signing off now.
I'll see you all later.
[clicks tongue.]
How's it going, guys? - We have a question for you - If you don't mind.
Who is bigger in Germany - You - Or Steffi Graf? Let's put it this way.
I don't think Steffi Graf has a stamp issued in her name.
- Uncle David.
Hey.
- Hey, Norman.
- Give me some love.
- Ooh.
- Norman? - Oh, that's right.
You don't go by that anymore.
No, I go by Marcus.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Your mother told me that.
So tell us everything else about Norman.
Yes, tell us all the juicy stuff about young Norman.
Well, there's not that much juicy stuff.
I mean, I hardly saw him.
And he was always playing that game Dungeons & Dragons.
Not always.
Always.
All through high school.
I mean, what do they call you, the dungeon master? - Oh, the dungeon master.
- Sounds kinky.
Yeah, a lot of pimply faced boys playing 20-sided dice.
I mean, super kinky.
[laughter.]
Oh, come on, Norman.
- Don't go, Norman.
- Aww.
So your hair will never grow back? Not since the accident.
Hmm.
"Why am I in the small dressing room? Is David [bleep.]
ing Hasselhoff in the big dressing room?" Ooh, somebody's got a potty mouth.
What is the matter with you? Oh, no, no, no.
I am just talking for Bethenny Frankel.
She's FaceTiming with me, and she's typing me what to say.
Oh, hold on.
"I had a talk show.
"I know how this works.
"I'm thrown into a shoebox while Hasselhoff "gets the star dressing room.
[bleep.]
you, and [bleep.]
this show.
" I'm so sorry.
Bethenny, Bethenny, listen.
We don't have a star dressing room.
We have three dressing rooms, tiny, small, and less than small, and David Hasselhoff is in the small dressing room on the third floor.
Christie Brinkley is in the star dressing room, the less-small one.
Christie's also a guest on the show? No, she's a guest on Jimmy's penis.
Ew, then why does she need a dressing room? Do you want to tell Jimmy his girlfriend needs to switch dressing rooms? - I do not.
- [iPad chimes.]
"You know what's not my goddamn problem? That.
That's not my goddamn problem.
" I hate this so much.
I have to go to my cry closet.
My body is rejecting all of this assertiveness and confidence.
I've had enough with Christie Brinkley.
She is bossing Todd around.
She's demanding the star dressing room.
I'm gonna go talk to this uptown girl.
Me too; I want to find out where she gets her blowouts.
Oh, you can go first.
[energetic brass music.]
[grunts.]
Oh, Todd, careful with that coffee table.
That's an original Noguchi.
[sighs.]
Dumb, stupid lady.
Excuse me? I said I love Wayne Brady.
Yes, he's wonderful.
Maybe he needs a lacky.
Oh, my God.
Christie, this is for the A-list celebrities.
It's a dressing room, not your office.
Oh, don't be so dramatic.
It's only for a month until Jimmy leaves the show.
Both: What? Didn't Jimmy tell you? We talked, and he decided to opt out of his contract in next month.
In a month month-month? I guess it is.
That's great.
- Oh, my God.
- No, no, no, no.
Jimmy wouldn't leave this show.
He loves it here.
Jimmy needs to go to a cooler network.
He needs a show that's global and important.
Well, last week he shaved a monkey's ball hair on national TV.
That's global and important, right? Listen to me, he has given the world all that he can; trust me.
Come next month, Jimmy won't be shaving anybody's genitals on TV.
I I can't breathe.
- Okay, all right.
- I can't breathe.
All right, I'll give you a Xanax.
[gasping.]
Ending the show? Did you know anything about this, Todd? Oh, God.
I'm gonna throw up.
I'm gonna throw up a lot.
Okay, yeah, I'll take that as a no.
Ohh, what am I gonna do? Oh, if my face was an emoticon, it would be sad right now.
- All right, all right - [exhales.]
Shh, come on.
Come on.
Wait.
Where are we going? Penny's cry closet.
What? I don't want to go in a closet.
I know.
Listen, be quiet.
Oh, my God, it actually reeks of sadness in here.
[whimpers.]
What's the matter with you? He's not going anywhere without you.
No, he's already moved on.
She does everything that I do.
Plus, she has boobies.
I don't think that's true.
What are you talking about? She's got great boobies.
No, I mean, she's not replacing you.
Oh, no, she already has.
She goes to Knicks games with him.
She cuts his toenails.
She peels his oranges.
Those are my things.
You peel his oranges? Yeah, I'm really good at it.
I leave, like, none of that white stuff.
Okay, look, it's just all bluster on her part.
She just wants us to see that she has her hooks in him.
- You think so? - I don't know.
But the important thing is, you can't tell - the staff about this, okay? - No.
I can't deal with their [bleep.]
.
Mm-mm.
No, no, no, no.
I I cannot keep a secret, all right? - It stresses me out so much.
- Okay, man up, Todd.
We're in this together.
I think I'm really gonna throw up now.
Ohh.
[lively trumpet music.]
And that's why his mother always made him wear diapers on the merry-go-round.
Oh, oh, I bet you he never told you he was in a Nickelback cover band.
Nickelback? Nerds.
Wait, wait, we're talking about Marcus? Yeah, yeah, Norman I It's Marcus now.
[scoffs.]
- He's always been so sensitive.
- Yeah.
[lively trumpet music.]
- Hey, Staci.
- Hey, Mehmet.
What, are you drinking one of those guava kombucha green energy drinks? It's actually Mountain Dew.
I put it in this bottle so people don't give me [bleep.]
.
And around here the walls have eyes.
That's so smart.
If you tell anybody, I'll have you killed.
[laughs.]
So what's going on with you anyway? You look like you just had bad news from a cardiac catheterization.
Jimmy might be ending the show.
I wonder who's gonna move in in place of you.
I hope it's not the ladies at "The View.
" They're such yentas.
You know, this is bull[bleep.]
.
Why are you so upset? I'm upset because I'm about to lose my job, and it's very hard to find employment when you're over 30 5 and change.
That's a lot of change.
You wouldn't happen to have a job over at No, no, no, I've got Nancy in the talent department, and she is the best.
Wasn't Nancy arrested for punching a puppy? It's water under the bridge.
You don't want to do the job anyway.
Who wants to be a talent producer? Live your dream.
This is your chance.
Oh, come on.
Field hockey is a young woman's game.
[scoffs.]
Writing, writing.
It's always been about writing.
You love talking to me about that stuff.
Go out and do it.
You know, I I do love to write, and there was that publisher.
You know, he wanted me to write a tell-all book about Jimmy, but I couldn't do it while we were on the air, but now if we're not on the air, I Your perfect chance, and if it's anything like that river cruise novel you gave me Oh, you read the manuscript? Well, I mean, I I mean, I skimmed it.
It it seemed great.
You know Argentina's not in Europe? Yes, but Argentina is the Europe of South America.
I Googled it.
Oh, my gosh.
I'm gonna write a book.
[lively trumpet music.]
[lively trumpet music.]
[sobbing.]
Todd, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Stupid question.
Todd, part of my skill set is that I'm able to sense when someone isn't being forthcoming with me.
I don't know if it's training or intuition or the fact that I notice a grown man weeping on the top of a vending machine or Jimmy won't do fun stuff anymore, because Christie Brinkley brainwashed him, and it makes me very, very sad.
What? [lively trumpet music.]
Jimmy stories.
Jimmy stories.
Jimmy is a dick stories.
Oh, my God.
This should write itself.
Okay.
[groans.]
- [groans.]
- Hey, what's happening? I shut down the iPad.
I just need a break from being a sassy New York power diva for a few minutes.
Hey, you're my New York power diva.
Oh, thank you.
That's nice, but it's not true.
My mother always told me that I was weak, and she's right I'm just going through my favorite Jimmy is a dickhead stories.
You know, I have mine.
What are yours? Oh, I don't really remember things like that.
My elementary school therapist called it "voluntary memory repression.
" Oh.
But I guess I could, you know, look at my show diaries and see if I could find a fun story to jog my memory.
Your show diaries? Oh, yeah.
Ever since I started working here, I've written down everything that's ever happened in my show diaries that I keep under lock and key.
You've written down everything? The fun stories, the mean stories, the Jimmy it a total dickhead stories? Everything.
Okay, let's see what we have here.
[clears throat.]
"Today Jimmy dressed up like a giant burrito.
"He kept telling the cleaning woman that she should eat him "and that he tasted muy bueno.
"I couldn't tell if he was being racist, sexually threatening, or both.
" That's fantastic.
No, that's horrible.
Horrible? Um, can I peruse them sometime? I'm so sorry.
I just don't feel comfortable with anyone looking at them.
They're very private, and I use some language that I am not proud of.
On more than one occasion, I drop the Y bomb.
Mm, I'm not sure what that means, but it's no problem.
Not to worry.
I get it.
Oh, my God, Bethenny, I'm so, so sorry.
I "Penny, you're as incompetent as everyone else here.
" I'm I'm so sorry.
I just needed a little, teeny, tiny break.
"Come from a place of yes.
Do your job.
Own it.
Be Better.
" Wow, that is so true in so many ways.
I'm so sorry and grateful.
Oh, that was easy.
Oh, my God.
Oh, there's my babies.
Yes.
Oh, come to mama.
[lively trumpet music.]
All right, give me give me some more dirt about Marcus.
- Come on.
- Well, there's not that much dirt about Marcus.
I mean, he's just a regular guy.
You give him an Arby's sandwich and an Austin Powers movie and he's happy.
Have you ever seen his Austin Powers impersonation? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Arby's? - Yeah.
- He's vegan.
He may be a vegan now, but a few years ago, he'd go all Hasselhoff on a roast beef sandwich.
[laughter.]
Okay, I need to talk to my uncle.
Alone.
Okay, calm down, dungeon master.
I'm leaving.
Okay.
Hi.
- Hi.
- I need you to stop telling everyone that I was in a Nickelback cover band and that I do an amazing Austin Powers impression and that I still play with a train set in my mom's basement.
You still wear that little white conductor's hat? Ew, Uncle Da Oh, I actually really like that hat.
People want to know about you.
They want to know who you are.
I don't want them to know.
I have reinvented myself.
I have crafted this perfect image, and in, like, three hours you've completely destroyed my fake life.
Part of growing up is acknowledging the real you.
And the real you pretty cool.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
You want to know the thing about me I'm most proud of? Sure.
My unquenchable thirst for vengeance.
I happen to have video of you from Christmas 1996.
Look, look, I don't remember anything in 1996, okay? Yeah, exactly.
Now, listen, I don't want to use my lust for personal vengeance against my own family, but if I have to, oh, I will.
All right, deal.
I'll stop blowing up your spot.
Good.
Thank you.
On one condition.
You do the Austin Powers impersonation for me just one more time, please? I love it.
For old time's sake.
Okay.
You're shagadelic, baby.
You're switched on.
You're smashing, baby.
[laughter.]
Oh, that is hilarious, and you know what's more hilarious? I've been streaming live to millions of fans around the world.
I'm sure they just loved your impression.
I will get you for this, Uncle David.
This isn't over.
This is not over by a long shot.
Oh, by the way, I talked to my mom this morning.
She wants to know if you're coming for Nana's birthday.
- Of course.
- Okay.
- Love you.
- Love you too.
What's going on here? Unfortunately, there's a situation that needs addressing.
And it's imperative that we all take a breath, react calmly Jimmy's quitting the show.
- What? - The show is ending.
We're never gonna see each other again.
Oh, wait, I have a question about my walkie-talkie.
We just bought a condo.
We just signed on a condo together.
It's the only thing that loves me My daughter Elliot just got into Spence.
Spence, Davis.
We deserve nice towels.
- We deserve nice towels.
- You know how many days Hey, hey, did you know about Jimmy ending the show? Don't you give me that stupid white girl stare.
Oh, that stupid Todd.
How did you crack him? Uh, he's a moron.
Yes, I know.
Everybody in the office is in a panic about this, and you are cool as a cucumber.
What's that all about? - What do you mean? - What are you doing? Nothing.
Are you writing a tell-all? [laughs.]
No.
You're writing a tell-all.
Damn you're good, Malik.
Yes, these are a stack of diaries chock-full of horrible stories about Jimmy, and I'm gonna share them with the world.
What the hell? How could you do this to me? Um quick question.
Is this Penny or Bethenny Frankel speaking? Oh! Bitch.