No Good Nick (2019) s02e09 Episode Script
The Box Job
1 [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
So, Jeremy, how are you holding up? My life is 100% destroyed, so - awesome.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Honey, look, we know you didn't do this.
And I have emailed your principal and demanded an appeal of your expulsion.
We'll take this all the way to the school board if necessary.
- Thanks.
- Where's Nick? She said she's still not feeling well.
Really? That's not good.
That reminds me about one of your plants that also seems like it's not feeling well.
Want to come take a look? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Sure.
[JEREMY SIGHS.]
Okay I need to tell you something and I think you're the one person who might believe me.
[JEREMY EXHALES.]
The real reason I got kicked out of school is because Nick framed me.
What? Okay, remember when I came to you after the election and said that something fishy was going on because Nick knew the exact vote count before it even happened and you were like, "Oh, my God, she made all your dreams come true, she must be a terrible person"? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I didn't really say it like that, but, yeah.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
Well, it was all a set-up.
She did it to get dirt on me.
She stole the real ballots to get me elected and then she planted them in the student council room and told Lisa where to find them.
- I know I don't have any proof - I believe you.
You do? Yes.
I should have believed you about Nick when she first moved in.
I'm sorry for making you feel like a crazy person.
Nick is clearly up to something and has been all along.
[JEREMY SIGHS.]
You know this is the first time we've been on the same page about her.
Yeah.
It's nice.
I guess living with a thief and a liar has really brought us together.
- [JEREMY LAUGHS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
That's true.
Well, we need to come up with a plan.
The problem is, I've raised the alarm about Nick so many times, Mom and Dad will never take me seriously.
Good thing I already have a plan.
I sent in Nick's fingerprints to the background check website.
- Wait, you did? - Of course.
I never listen to you.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Good decision.
Smart.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
But you know what's even better? I got an email from the company letting me know when the results will arrive.
And? We'll know the truth about Nick by the end of the day.
So, this isn't really about your plants.
- Yeah.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
If this is about the thing for Jeremy, I'm picking it up today.
What time will you be home so we can surprise him? You know what? He's so down.
Don't wait for me.
But that's not what I wanted to talk to you about.
I think I know the real reason Nick didn't come down for breakfast.
[SIGHS.]
Is it because she hates my frittatas? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- No.
Listen, did you see the look on Nick's face last night when she said she wasn't feeling well and went upstairs? Yeah.
What about it? Well I was talking about how we can get through anything, how the Thompsons always stick together.
Well she's not technically a Thompson.
Oh.
I think we hurt her feelings.
But she must know we love her.
So many of the good things in our lives happened because of Nick.
She's like the glue that bonded us together.
She's got to know that, right? I don't know.
Does she? Have we ever actually told her that? This might sound crazy, but I've been thinking about it for a while.
I think we should adopt Nick.
[SIGHS.]
That is a big step.
I know.
[EXHALES.]
Look, I'm not against the idea.
But there's been so much chaos in our lives recently.
It might not be the best time to add one more thing.
I know what you're saying, but you think about it.
- [KISSING SOUND.]
- [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
Hey.
Paul, it's me.
Call me when you get this.
I'm pulling the bank job today.
Ed's going to be in a meeting, so I won't have to worry about him.
So by the end of the day you'll have the necklace, my dad's debts will be paid off and I'll be out of the Thompson house for good.
[PHONE CLICKS SHUT.]
[UPBEAT OPENING CREDITS PLAYING.]
Hey, what are you doing? Do you have any plans today? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm having a big party with all my friends.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Great.
Then come with me.
Where are we going? Dad and I were discussing something we want to do for Jeremy.
You and I both know what it's like to feel like you've lost everything.
He doesn't deserve what happened to him.
No.
He definitely doesn't.
Great, then let's go.
Just give me a second to cancel my plans.
And done.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[JEREMY SIGHS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Thanks for coming.
- How are you doing? - I'm hanging in there.
[ERIC.]
Good.
I'm glad.
So I was a little surprised - to get your call.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Yeah.
About that Look, I'm really sorry about the way I've treated you.
You've been nothing but nice and supportive to me and I totally blew you off.
[STAMMERS.]
I've been a jerk.
But that's not who I am.
At least it's not who I want to be.
[SIGHS.]
Plus I really like you.
Well, thanks for apologizing.
[INHALES.]
There's something else I need your help with.
[JEREMY SIGHS.]
I want to come out to my family.
Whoa, dude, that's huge! Congratulations.
Yeah, you know my family was so great yesterday with everything that went down at school.
And my dad made this awesome speech about how we're all there for each other and I realized it was time to tell them.
So how did you tell your family? Oh, uh Well, I told my parents I had something I wanted to talk about and they said, "We know you're gay," and I was like, "Cool.
" [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Really? - Yeah, pretty much.
- [SCOFFS.]
Wow.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Well I feel like I need to make this moment big.
Special.
I mean, this is a moment I'm going to remember my whole life.
I'm thinking of ordering my favorite dinner, giving a rousing speech, doing a PowerPoint presentation.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
Okay, that sounds like a lot, but it's your moment do whatever makes you feel good.
But be clear with them.
I had a friend who thought she came out to her parents, but they thought she just really wanted to redo her closet.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Seriously though, I'm proud of you.
- Thanks.
Plus I really like you, too.
Oh, and check out what I already put together.
Alexa, play Jeremy's Coming Out Mix.
[WOMAN'S AUTOMATED VOICE.]
Playing Jeremy's Coming Out Mix.
- [HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING.]
- I'm coming out - I want the world to - Okay, yes, this is clear.
Got to let it show Alright, I'm off to corporate to sign my contract for the big promotion.
- How's my tie? - Bring it in.
Perfect.
[CHUCKLES.]
The next time I come through those doors, it'll be as Ed Thompson, Vice President.
But don't worry, I won't let it change me.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- See you back at home.
If you need anything, Presley's in charge.
Presley! Hey, how's Cosmo doing? What kind of trouble has he been getting into? He's doing great.
- Loving doggy day care.
- [CHUCKLES.]
They just sent me the cutest picture yesterday.
Want to see? Try and stop me.
- [PRESLEY CHUCKLES.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[NICK GASPS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Okay, he's wearing sunglasses? Dogs don't do that.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [PRESLEY LAUGHS.]
I know, right? His life is so tight.
- [NICK CHUCKLES.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you're buying Jeremy a car! We're not buying it for him.
We're helping him buy it.
He's been saving up for a down payment.
I want to show him that hard work does pay off.
Especially since everything else he's been working so hard for has fallen apart.
He's going to be so excited! Shh.
You cannot show that kind of enthusiasm around these salespeople.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Okay, here's what's going to happen.
The guy will come in with a ridiculously high price - because we're two women.
- Patriarchy.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- We'll go back and forth, we may have to walk out a few times, make him chase us.
- This could take all day.
- I've got time.
They'll assume we don't know anything about cars.
- Their mistake.
- What they don't realize is we're two savvy, take-no-prisoners businesswomen.
Boom, hell yeah! - Let's get this car.
- [LIZ SIGHS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I have the information on the car you're interested in.
Before you try coming in here with some ridiculously high price so that we settle on something that's still way over our budget, I'm not paying a dime over 4,500.
That's great news, ma'am, because that 2007 Lexus is 4,200.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Well then we'll take it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Can I ask, are you by any chance the "Rat Lady"? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Not if you want to make this sale, buddy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[CONTINUED LAUGHING.]
- Hey Presley - Nick.
I'm looking into surprising Cosmo with a new canine condo.
Should I go mid-century modern or colonial? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I don't know.
It seems like he should be part of this decision.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You know, you're right.
I'll get them both, let him decide.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Cool.
[CHUCKLES.]
So I wanted to look at something in my safe-deposit box.
Can you let me in? Sure.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
The stuff in here is kind of sentimental.
Would it be okay if I went into the privacy room? [INHALES.]
Oh, sure, go right ahead.
I'll wait here.
Bank policy.
Thanks.
[FUNKY INSTRUMENTALS.]
[HIGH-PITCHED.]
Hi, is Presley available? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm calling from doggy day care.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Presley, there's a call for you from doggy day care.
Something's up with Cosmo.
Oh, no.
- [TENSE INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Nick! I have to go take a call.
I need to lock your stuff back up.
[SUSPICIOUS INSTRUMENTALS.]
Oh, I just started looking.
Can't I just stay in here until you're done? - I mean, I do work here.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, that's fine.
Just don't go anywhere.
- [GLOVE SNAPS.]
- I'll stay right here.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[SUSPICIOUS INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]
[FUNKY INSTRUMENTALS.]
[DRILL SOUNDS.]
[DRILL SOUNDS.]
[NICK EXHALES.]
[FUNKY INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]
[GATE RATTLES.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER.]
[MONITOR BEEPS.]
[STATIC.]
[BEEPS.]
[STATIC.]
[FUNKY INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]
[VELCRO SCRATCHES.]
Well, if you didn't call, then who did? I need to know that my dog is okay.
Yes, I'll wait.
[SUSPICIOUS INSTRUMENTALS.]
[DOOR SQUEAKS.]
Hi.
I need to get into my safe-deposit box.
Of course.
That's no problem.
Let me get someone to help you.
[FUNKY INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]
Okay, fine, I guess it was a mix-up.
Well, thanks.
I'll see you after work.
Sorry to bother you.
A customer would like to get into his safe-deposit box.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
- [MONITOR BEEPS.]
- [PRESLEY.]
Right this way, sir.
I'd like to use the privacy room.
My apologies, sir.
We have a customer in there at the moment.
Um let me check her progress.
Nick? Almost done? Nick? [EXHALES.]
Not yet.
I have a customer who would like to use the room.
[STAMMERS.]
I just need another minute.
I'm all emotional.
- [FUNKY INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm kind of in a rush.
I'll let her know.
[BANGING.]
Nick? [BOX SLIDES.]
It's all yours, sir.
[KEYS CLICK.]
Is everything alright? Yeah.
Like I said, I got a little emotional.
Oh, let me give you a hug.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[NICK CHUCKLES.]
Oh, wow.
I guess I left my phone here.
Hey, what happened to your shoe? Uh cheap shoelace broke.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Oh - [NICK CHUCKLES.]
[FUNKY INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]
[LOCK CLICKS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Why are you guys back so early? I thought you weren't coming home until dinner.
Yeah, that's what we thought, but we got done early.
- [JEREMY.]
Huh.
- You look nice.
Why are you so dressed up? Well, I kind of had a special evening planned for the whole family.
Oh, great.
Why don't you come outside and help us get some stuff out of the car? I'm kind of busy.
Yeah, but you'll really want to see what we have in this car.
But can't it wait? I'm kind of in the middle of something.
[CHUCKLES.]
That other stuff can wait.
You need to come to the car.
It can't wait.
My thing is super important.
- Jeremy, come outside.
- No.
Oh, for heaven's sake, we got you a Lexus, Jeremy! Come outside! [AUTOMATED VOICE.]
Playing Jeremy's Coming Out Mix.
- What? - I'm coming out No, no, no.
Alexa, stop! - world to know - Alexa, stop.
I haven't finished my presentation.
[AUTOMATED VOICE.]
Playing Jeremy's Coming Out Presentation.
- [JEREMY EXHALES.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[JEREMY.]
No! - [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Alexa, stop the presentation! [CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
That wasn't supposed to happen.
I mean, it was, but not until later.
Jeremy This isn't how I pictured this moment.
It was supposed to be perfect.
I had a whole plan.
I was going to tell the whole family.
I was going to make a speech.
- Honey - [INHALES.]
I got all dressed up.
I ordered my favorite dinner.
Now it's ruined.
My whole plan's ruined.
[VOICE SHAKING.]
Mom, my whole plan is ruined.
None of my other plans have worked out.
This was the one thing I thought I had control over.
Honey, it's okay.
I know things didn't go exactly how you planned, but none of that matters.
You're what matters.
Our family is what matters.
This moment is what matters.
[JEREMY SIGHS.]
Mom, I'm gay.
We love you.
And we are so proud of you.
And I'm so glad you told us.
Me too.
I love you even more for feeling you can be your true self with us.
[BREATHLESS.]
I had a PowerPoint presentation.
- Yeah.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
We saw.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Hey, but you know what? You can save it for when you tell Dad.
[JEREMY SIGHS.]
I love you both so much.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
If it's okay with you, I'm going to head out early.
I have some homework I've got to do.
Oh, okay.
But don't work too hard.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks.
Have a great rest of the day.
Hey, kiddo.
[LAUGHS.]
Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- My meeting ended early.
Man, was it great.
I got a nice raise and would you believe they gave me these sweet new business cards? "Ed Thompson, Vice-President.
" [CHUCKLES.]
That's raised lettering.
- Not cheap.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Nice.
I was actually on my way out.
I have a ton of homework.
What? No! I want to take you out to celebrate.
I would not have gotten this promotion without you.
You're the one who convinced me to go after Ms.
Chang.
Right.
It's just, I have a major test to study for.
You have all weekend.
Come on.
I want to take you to my favorite place.
- [WHOOSHING SOUND.]
- That's how you know this place is great.
- Every cop in Portland comes in here.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Awesome.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I know everyone in here.
You want me to introduce you around? - No! I mean, no thanks.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I just want to get some of those yummy donuts and go.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Kid, you've got some explaining to do.
Why did we have to wait this long to meet you? - [LAUGHING.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You guys are too funny.
Nick, this is Johnny and Brad.
Nice to meet you.
So this is the amazing Nick.
Your dad talks about you all the time.
- He does? - Yeah.
Yeah.
He's really proud of you.
Well, we're taking off.
Why don't you grab our table? - Take off your jacket.
Stay a while.
- I'm good.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Alright.
- Let me clean up for you.
- Thanks, you guys.
See you tomorrow.
- Alright, take care.
- Nice meeting you, Nick.
You too.
They think you're my dad? Yeah.
Because I think of you as a second daughter.
Wow.
And as my second daughter, I'm going to need you not to tell Liz that I come here.
- [NICK CHUCKLES.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
She thinks my favorite dessert is her Italian wedding cake.
I don't need her to know that it's actually a $2 maple bar.
- [NICK CHUCKLES.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I won't tell, promise.
[ED SIGHS.]
You know the way that cake with the pink frosting is that special thing you had with your dad? Well maybe Guy's Donuts could be our thing.
Yeah.
That would be nice.
Nick I can't tell you how much it's meant to our family to have you in our lives.
We love you very much.
I hope you know that.
That means a lot.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I really should be getting back.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Homework.
Look at you, always working so hard.
Alright, I guess we can get ours to go and eat them in the car.
You're going to eat while you're driving? Yeah, that's what my knees are for.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Here's to the new me.
Car owner! - [GLASSES TING.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Thank you again for the car.
And for always supporting me.
I'm sorry your plans for this evening got ruined.
Yeah, I know you wanted everything to be perfect.
[SCOFFS.]
You know what? I have been planning everything my whole life.
But who knows what I've missed by following that plan so blindly? That's a good point.
You know, I think maybe I need to roll with things a little more.
Stop being who I thought I was supposed to be and start being who I am.
I mean, of course I wish Dad had been here, but other than that today actually was perfect.
[LIZ CHUCKLES.]
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, heads up, you have some powdered sugar.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Huh? - Mm-hm.
- Thanks.
- [LAUGHS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Ooh, cider.
How did Jeremy like the car? Was he surprised? Did you record everything? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Ah, funny story.
I'll let Jeremy tell you all about it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Look, I've been thinking about what you said this morning about how we should adopt Nick.
And? [SIGHS.]
I mean, there's a lot of craziness in our lives right now.
But one thing I've realized from everything that's happened is that there is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Nick is a part of this family.
Let's make it official.
Let's adopt Nick.
- [STIFLED SCREAMING.]
- [LIZ LAUGHS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [ED EXHALES.]
- I can't wait for us to tell her.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]
This just came.
It's Nick's fingerprint results.
Whoa.
I figured we should open it together.
[THUD.]
Let's find out the truth.
There's no turning back now.
[PAPER TEARING.]
[LIZ.]
Hey, where are you off to? [STAMMERING.]
I was going to go get the mail.
We have something to ask you.
[STAMMERS.]
Can it wait? Actually, it's very important.
Come sit with us.
We're not sure this is something you want and we're not trying to replace your family, but if you think it's something you might like [SIGHS.]
we want to adopt you.
What? Everyone, stop what you're doing.
That girl's an imposter.
Yeah.
Her name isn't Nicole Patterson.
It's Nicole Franzelli.
- [AUDIENCE OOHS.]
- Nicole Franzelli? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Wait, hold on.
We're going to get to the bottom of this.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Edward Thompson, we have a warrant for your arrest.
- Arrest? - For what? Bank robbery.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
So, Jeremy, how are you holding up? My life is 100% destroyed, so - awesome.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Honey, look, we know you didn't do this.
And I have emailed your principal and demanded an appeal of your expulsion.
We'll take this all the way to the school board if necessary.
- Thanks.
- Where's Nick? She said she's still not feeling well.
Really? That's not good.
That reminds me about one of your plants that also seems like it's not feeling well.
Want to come take a look? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Sure.
[JEREMY SIGHS.]
Okay I need to tell you something and I think you're the one person who might believe me.
[JEREMY EXHALES.]
The real reason I got kicked out of school is because Nick framed me.
What? Okay, remember when I came to you after the election and said that something fishy was going on because Nick knew the exact vote count before it even happened and you were like, "Oh, my God, she made all your dreams come true, she must be a terrible person"? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I didn't really say it like that, but, yeah.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Okay.
Well, it was all a set-up.
She did it to get dirt on me.
She stole the real ballots to get me elected and then she planted them in the student council room and told Lisa where to find them.
- I know I don't have any proof - I believe you.
You do? Yes.
I should have believed you about Nick when she first moved in.
I'm sorry for making you feel like a crazy person.
Nick is clearly up to something and has been all along.
[JEREMY SIGHS.]
You know this is the first time we've been on the same page about her.
Yeah.
It's nice.
I guess living with a thief and a liar has really brought us together.
- [JEREMY LAUGHS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
That's true.
Well, we need to come up with a plan.
The problem is, I've raised the alarm about Nick so many times, Mom and Dad will never take me seriously.
Good thing I already have a plan.
I sent in Nick's fingerprints to the background check website.
- Wait, you did? - Of course.
I never listen to you.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Good decision.
Smart.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
But you know what's even better? I got an email from the company letting me know when the results will arrive.
And? We'll know the truth about Nick by the end of the day.
So, this isn't really about your plants.
- Yeah.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
If this is about the thing for Jeremy, I'm picking it up today.
What time will you be home so we can surprise him? You know what? He's so down.
Don't wait for me.
But that's not what I wanted to talk to you about.
I think I know the real reason Nick didn't come down for breakfast.
[SIGHS.]
Is it because she hates my frittatas? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- No.
Listen, did you see the look on Nick's face last night when she said she wasn't feeling well and went upstairs? Yeah.
What about it? Well I was talking about how we can get through anything, how the Thompsons always stick together.
Well she's not technically a Thompson.
Oh.
I think we hurt her feelings.
But she must know we love her.
So many of the good things in our lives happened because of Nick.
She's like the glue that bonded us together.
She's got to know that, right? I don't know.
Does she? Have we ever actually told her that? This might sound crazy, but I've been thinking about it for a while.
I think we should adopt Nick.
[SIGHS.]
That is a big step.
I know.
[EXHALES.]
Look, I'm not against the idea.
But there's been so much chaos in our lives recently.
It might not be the best time to add one more thing.
I know what you're saying, but you think about it.
- [KISSING SOUND.]
- [MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
Hey.
Paul, it's me.
Call me when you get this.
I'm pulling the bank job today.
Ed's going to be in a meeting, so I won't have to worry about him.
So by the end of the day you'll have the necklace, my dad's debts will be paid off and I'll be out of the Thompson house for good.
[PHONE CLICKS SHUT.]
[UPBEAT OPENING CREDITS PLAYING.]
Hey, what are you doing? Do you have any plans today? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm having a big party with all my friends.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Great.
Then come with me.
Where are we going? Dad and I were discussing something we want to do for Jeremy.
You and I both know what it's like to feel like you've lost everything.
He doesn't deserve what happened to him.
No.
He definitely doesn't.
Great, then let's go.
Just give me a second to cancel my plans.
And done.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[JEREMY SIGHS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Thanks for coming.
- How are you doing? - I'm hanging in there.
[ERIC.]
Good.
I'm glad.
So I was a little surprised - to get your call.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
Yeah.
About that Look, I'm really sorry about the way I've treated you.
You've been nothing but nice and supportive to me and I totally blew you off.
[STAMMERS.]
I've been a jerk.
But that's not who I am.
At least it's not who I want to be.
[SIGHS.]
Plus I really like you.
Well, thanks for apologizing.
[INHALES.]
There's something else I need your help with.
[JEREMY SIGHS.]
I want to come out to my family.
Whoa, dude, that's huge! Congratulations.
Yeah, you know my family was so great yesterday with everything that went down at school.
And my dad made this awesome speech about how we're all there for each other and I realized it was time to tell them.
So how did you tell your family? Oh, uh Well, I told my parents I had something I wanted to talk about and they said, "We know you're gay," and I was like, "Cool.
" [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Really? - Yeah, pretty much.
- [SCOFFS.]
Wow.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Well I feel like I need to make this moment big.
Special.
I mean, this is a moment I'm going to remember my whole life.
I'm thinking of ordering my favorite dinner, giving a rousing speech, doing a PowerPoint presentation.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
Okay, that sounds like a lot, but it's your moment do whatever makes you feel good.
But be clear with them.
I had a friend who thought she came out to her parents, but they thought she just really wanted to redo her closet.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Seriously though, I'm proud of you.
- Thanks.
Plus I really like you, too.
Oh, and check out what I already put together.
Alexa, play Jeremy's Coming Out Mix.
[WOMAN'S AUTOMATED VOICE.]
Playing Jeremy's Coming Out Mix.
- [HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING.]
- I'm coming out - I want the world to - Okay, yes, this is clear.
Got to let it show Alright, I'm off to corporate to sign my contract for the big promotion.
- How's my tie? - Bring it in.
Perfect.
[CHUCKLES.]
The next time I come through those doors, it'll be as Ed Thompson, Vice President.
But don't worry, I won't let it change me.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- See you back at home.
If you need anything, Presley's in charge.
Presley! Hey, how's Cosmo doing? What kind of trouble has he been getting into? He's doing great.
- Loving doggy day care.
- [CHUCKLES.]
They just sent me the cutest picture yesterday.
Want to see? Try and stop me.
- [PRESLEY CHUCKLES.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[NICK GASPS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Okay, he's wearing sunglasses? Dogs don't do that.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [PRESLEY LAUGHS.]
I know, right? His life is so tight.
- [NICK CHUCKLES.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you're buying Jeremy a car! We're not buying it for him.
We're helping him buy it.
He's been saving up for a down payment.
I want to show him that hard work does pay off.
Especially since everything else he's been working so hard for has fallen apart.
He's going to be so excited! Shh.
You cannot show that kind of enthusiasm around these salespeople.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Okay, here's what's going to happen.
The guy will come in with a ridiculously high price - because we're two women.
- Patriarchy.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- We'll go back and forth, we may have to walk out a few times, make him chase us.
- This could take all day.
- I've got time.
They'll assume we don't know anything about cars.
- Their mistake.
- What they don't realize is we're two savvy, take-no-prisoners businesswomen.
Boom, hell yeah! - Let's get this car.
- [LIZ SIGHS.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I have the information on the car you're interested in.
Before you try coming in here with some ridiculously high price so that we settle on something that's still way over our budget, I'm not paying a dime over 4,500.
That's great news, ma'am, because that 2007 Lexus is 4,200.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Well then we'll take it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Can I ask, are you by any chance the "Rat Lady"? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Not if you want to make this sale, buddy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[CONTINUED LAUGHING.]
- Hey Presley - Nick.
I'm looking into surprising Cosmo with a new canine condo.
Should I go mid-century modern or colonial? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I don't know.
It seems like he should be part of this decision.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You know, you're right.
I'll get them both, let him decide.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Cool.
[CHUCKLES.]
So I wanted to look at something in my safe-deposit box.
Can you let me in? Sure.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
The stuff in here is kind of sentimental.
Would it be okay if I went into the privacy room? [INHALES.]
Oh, sure, go right ahead.
I'll wait here.
Bank policy.
Thanks.
[FUNKY INSTRUMENTALS.]
[HIGH-PITCHED.]
Hi, is Presley available? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm calling from doggy day care.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Presley, there's a call for you from doggy day care.
Something's up with Cosmo.
Oh, no.
- [TENSE INSTRUMENTALS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Nick! I have to go take a call.
I need to lock your stuff back up.
[SUSPICIOUS INSTRUMENTALS.]
Oh, I just started looking.
Can't I just stay in here until you're done? - I mean, I do work here.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Okay, that's fine.
Just don't go anywhere.
- [GLOVE SNAPS.]
- I'll stay right here.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[SUSPICIOUS INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]
[FUNKY INSTRUMENTALS.]
[DRILL SOUNDS.]
[DRILL SOUNDS.]
[NICK EXHALES.]
[FUNKY INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]
[GATE RATTLES.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER.]
[MONITOR BEEPS.]
[STATIC.]
[BEEPS.]
[STATIC.]
[FUNKY INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]
[VELCRO SCRATCHES.]
Well, if you didn't call, then who did? I need to know that my dog is okay.
Yes, I'll wait.
[SUSPICIOUS INSTRUMENTALS.]
[DOOR SQUEAKS.]
Hi.
I need to get into my safe-deposit box.
Of course.
That's no problem.
Let me get someone to help you.
[FUNKY INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]
Okay, fine, I guess it was a mix-up.
Well, thanks.
I'll see you after work.
Sorry to bother you.
A customer would like to get into his safe-deposit box.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
- [MONITOR BEEPS.]
- [PRESLEY.]
Right this way, sir.
I'd like to use the privacy room.
My apologies, sir.
We have a customer in there at the moment.
Um let me check her progress.
Nick? Almost done? Nick? [EXHALES.]
Not yet.
I have a customer who would like to use the room.
[STAMMERS.]
I just need another minute.
I'm all emotional.
- [FUNKY INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I'm kind of in a rush.
I'll let her know.
[BANGING.]
Nick? [BOX SLIDES.]
It's all yours, sir.
[KEYS CLICK.]
Is everything alright? Yeah.
Like I said, I got a little emotional.
Oh, let me give you a hug.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[NICK CHUCKLES.]
Oh, wow.
I guess I left my phone here.
Hey, what happened to your shoe? Uh cheap shoelace broke.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Oh - [NICK CHUCKLES.]
[FUNKY INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]
[LOCK CLICKS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Why are you guys back so early? I thought you weren't coming home until dinner.
Yeah, that's what we thought, but we got done early.
- [JEREMY.]
Huh.
- You look nice.
Why are you so dressed up? Well, I kind of had a special evening planned for the whole family.
Oh, great.
Why don't you come outside and help us get some stuff out of the car? I'm kind of busy.
Yeah, but you'll really want to see what we have in this car.
But can't it wait? I'm kind of in the middle of something.
[CHUCKLES.]
That other stuff can wait.
You need to come to the car.
It can't wait.
My thing is super important.
- Jeremy, come outside.
- No.
Oh, for heaven's sake, we got you a Lexus, Jeremy! Come outside! [AUTOMATED VOICE.]
Playing Jeremy's Coming Out Mix.
- What? - I'm coming out No, no, no.
Alexa, stop! - world to know - Alexa, stop.
I haven't finished my presentation.
[AUTOMATED VOICE.]
Playing Jeremy's Coming Out Presentation.
- [JEREMY EXHALES.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
[JEREMY.]
No! - [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Alexa, stop the presentation! [CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
That wasn't supposed to happen.
I mean, it was, but not until later.
Jeremy This isn't how I pictured this moment.
It was supposed to be perfect.
I had a whole plan.
I was going to tell the whole family.
I was going to make a speech.
- Honey - [INHALES.]
I got all dressed up.
I ordered my favorite dinner.
Now it's ruined.
My whole plan's ruined.
[VOICE SHAKING.]
Mom, my whole plan is ruined.
None of my other plans have worked out.
This was the one thing I thought I had control over.
Honey, it's okay.
I know things didn't go exactly how you planned, but none of that matters.
You're what matters.
Our family is what matters.
This moment is what matters.
[JEREMY SIGHS.]
Mom, I'm gay.
We love you.
And we are so proud of you.
And I'm so glad you told us.
Me too.
I love you even more for feeling you can be your true self with us.
[BREATHLESS.]
I had a PowerPoint presentation.
- Yeah.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
We saw.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Hey, but you know what? You can save it for when you tell Dad.
[JEREMY SIGHS.]
I love you both so much.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
If it's okay with you, I'm going to head out early.
I have some homework I've got to do.
Oh, okay.
But don't work too hard.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks.
Have a great rest of the day.
Hey, kiddo.
[LAUGHS.]
Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- My meeting ended early.
Man, was it great.
I got a nice raise and would you believe they gave me these sweet new business cards? "Ed Thompson, Vice-President.
" [CHUCKLES.]
That's raised lettering.
- Not cheap.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Nice.
I was actually on my way out.
I have a ton of homework.
What? No! I want to take you out to celebrate.
I would not have gotten this promotion without you.
You're the one who convinced me to go after Ms.
Chang.
Right.
It's just, I have a major test to study for.
You have all weekend.
Come on.
I want to take you to my favorite place.
- [WHOOSHING SOUND.]
- That's how you know this place is great.
- Every cop in Portland comes in here.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Awesome.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I know everyone in here.
You want me to introduce you around? - No! I mean, no thanks.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I just want to get some of those yummy donuts and go.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Kid, you've got some explaining to do.
Why did we have to wait this long to meet you? - [LAUGHING.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You guys are too funny.
Nick, this is Johnny and Brad.
Nice to meet you.
So this is the amazing Nick.
Your dad talks about you all the time.
- He does? - Yeah.
Yeah.
He's really proud of you.
Well, we're taking off.
Why don't you grab our table? - Take off your jacket.
Stay a while.
- I'm good.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Alright.
- Let me clean up for you.
- Thanks, you guys.
See you tomorrow.
- Alright, take care.
- Nice meeting you, Nick.
You too.
They think you're my dad? Yeah.
Because I think of you as a second daughter.
Wow.
And as my second daughter, I'm going to need you not to tell Liz that I come here.
- [NICK CHUCKLES.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
She thinks my favorite dessert is her Italian wedding cake.
I don't need her to know that it's actually a $2 maple bar.
- [NICK CHUCKLES.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I won't tell, promise.
[ED SIGHS.]
You know the way that cake with the pink frosting is that special thing you had with your dad? Well maybe Guy's Donuts could be our thing.
Yeah.
That would be nice.
Nick I can't tell you how much it's meant to our family to have you in our lives.
We love you very much.
I hope you know that.
That means a lot.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I really should be getting back.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Homework.
Look at you, always working so hard.
Alright, I guess we can get ours to go and eat them in the car.
You're going to eat while you're driving? Yeah, that's what my knees are for.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTALS.]
Here's to the new me.
Car owner! - [GLASSES TING.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Thank you again for the car.
And for always supporting me.
I'm sorry your plans for this evening got ruined.
Yeah, I know you wanted everything to be perfect.
[SCOFFS.]
You know what? I have been planning everything my whole life.
But who knows what I've missed by following that plan so blindly? That's a good point.
You know, I think maybe I need to roll with things a little more.
Stop being who I thought I was supposed to be and start being who I am.
I mean, of course I wish Dad had been here, but other than that today actually was perfect.
[LIZ CHUCKLES.]
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, heads up, you have some powdered sugar.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Huh? - Mm-hm.
- Thanks.
- [LAUGHS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Ooh, cider.
How did Jeremy like the car? Was he surprised? Did you record everything? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- Ah, funny story.
I'll let Jeremy tell you all about it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
Look, I've been thinking about what you said this morning about how we should adopt Nick.
And? [SIGHS.]
I mean, there's a lot of craziness in our lives right now.
But one thing I've realized from everything that's happened is that there is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Nick is a part of this family.
Let's make it official.
Let's adopt Nick.
- [STIFLED SCREAMING.]
- [LIZ LAUGHS.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- [ED EXHALES.]
- I can't wait for us to tell her.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]
This just came.
It's Nick's fingerprint results.
Whoa.
I figured we should open it together.
[THUD.]
Let's find out the truth.
There's no turning back now.
[PAPER TEARING.]
[LIZ.]
Hey, where are you off to? [STAMMERING.]
I was going to go get the mail.
We have something to ask you.
[STAMMERS.]
Can it wait? Actually, it's very important.
Come sit with us.
We're not sure this is something you want and we're not trying to replace your family, but if you think it's something you might like [SIGHS.]
we want to adopt you.
What? Everyone, stop what you're doing.
That girl's an imposter.
Yeah.
Her name isn't Nicole Patterson.
It's Nicole Franzelli.
- [AUDIENCE OOHS.]
- Nicole Franzelli? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Wait, hold on.
We're going to get to the bottom of this.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Edward Thompson, we have a warrant for your arrest.
- Arrest? - For what? Bank robbery.
[MELLOW INSTRUMENTALS.]