Pie In The Sky (1994) s02e09 Episode Script
The Mystery of Pikey
1 S02xE09 "The Mystery of Pikey" Mar 12, 1995 What are you going to do about that, Dave Storer? STORER: What do you expect me to do, run along the towpath after him? You lot.
You´ve always got an excuse.
CRABBE: "Thyme, sweet marjoram, a little winter savoury.
"To these, put some pickled oysters and some anchovies too, "and a pound of sweet butter.
"This dish of meat is too good for any but anglers or very honest men.
" STEVE: Is that it? Well, breadcrumbs, that´s my contribution.
So, which are you then? HENDERSON: What? An angler or a very honest man? What´s to stop you being both? CRABBE: Well, quite.
Let him be roasted very leisurely and often basted with claret and almonds.
Oh, sounds smashing.
What is it? Izaak Walton.
"The Compleat Angler.
" The fish? Esox lucius.
The common English Pike or Pickerel.
Oh yeah, Pike.
Do a lot of that, do you? As much as I can find, which isn´t much.
So, how much do you pay for one? Uh, oh, I´m sorry, I only discuss that with my suppliers.
Where´s my parsnips? Then, add orange juice and garlic after that.
Oh good.
Pike.
Barry Wilkes loves it.
CRABBE: Margaret, Barry Wilkes can´t be coming again! He likes it here.
STEVE: Cheer up, Chef, he likes the food.
CRABBE: You don´t catch Mr.
Chukky Chicken eating the mush his so-called farms produce, do you.
MARGARET: He´s my best client Henry, he´s yours, too.
Don´t rub it in.
MARGARET: You´re a tradesman, Henry.
You have to trade it´s the first rule.
Tradesman, am I? What, a small town greasy spoon merchant? That´s nice.
MARGARET: Oh, don´t complain.
At least the place isn´t full of yobs calling for special fried rice.
Margaret, there are yobs and there are yobs.
That were lovely, weren´t it? Margaret? WOMAN, SOFTLY: Celebrity speech time.
"Pike the magnificent," "Pike the sublime," "Pike of pikes.
" And this, roast parsnip.
It was wonderful, as ever, Margaret.
This is the best restaurant in the county, Margaret Oh, thank you.
Or my name is not Mr.
Chukky Chicken.
MAN: Oh, God, here he comes.
Some chicken ALL: Some egg.
Sit down.
WOMAN, SOFTLY: Be nice.
I´ll call her over.
NICOLA: Yes? Yeah, I, uh I didn´t order this.
Would you like something else? Yeah.
A kiss.
On the menu? Now, Margaret, I had this made to celebrate the 25 millionth Chukky Chicken egg.
25 years in poultry, and the reward to myself was a golden egg.
What do you think? MARGARET: Oh, Barry, it´s BARRY: I know, I know.
Salt this end, pepper t´other.
Salt pepper, pepper salt.
It´s just like Henry´s, only I think it´s better, but that´s just my opinion.
Please.
WOMAN: It´s excessive, he knows, but I do think that if a man works hard, he´s entitled to his little trinkets.
You should come to keep fit.
Well, I don´t think it´s quite my scene.
You must have a swimming cossie? Yes, I think so, somewhere.
WOMAN: So it´s fixed.
The swimming club tomorrow lunchtime.
All right.
What´s he doing now? ´ere, who supplies the pike? Well? CRABBE: Well, what? I was just saying to Steve, do you know what I like about this kitchen? The opportunity it presents, presumably.
HENDERSON: It´s so orderly.
Outside the world Henry? I was wondering how you were.
Yeah, I´m fine, thanks, but we´re busy, I´m cooking.
BARRY: Look, a golden egg.
Oh, very nice, Barry.
BARRY: It represents 25 million Chukky Chickey eggs.
The chicken that laid the golden egg.
Goose, actually.
Lovely restaurant.
Sweet staff.
NICOLA: Bastard! BARRY: I was just thinking about those pikes.
NICOLA: Where´s his spotted dick? BARRY: Well, it must be possible to farm them.
STEVE: Hey, that´s the gravy! - NICOLA: Really? - BARRY: So what about pikes? If you can farm chickens and you can farm trout, you can farm pikes.
NICOLA: Your pudding, sir.
MAN: Yes, thank you.
NICOLA: Enjoy.
STORER: What´s the hurry, son? No hurry.
You were speeding.
No, I wasn´t.
What are you, a traffic cop as well now, Dave Storer? Constable Storer to you, young Karl.
And you´ve been sniffing the barmaid´s apron.
No, I haven´t.
It´s vinegar.
I´ve been eating chips.
And what´s this then? Your toothpick, is it? That is a very useful tool, that is.
That is going equipped, that is.
Get in the car.
Haven´t you got to read me me rights, or something? Yeah, get in the car or I´ll kick you up the jacksie.
You can´t do this.
Watch me.
HENDERSON: Crabbe Isn´t it true that washer-uppers get pickings off the plate? NICOLA: Only after the waiters.
Well, whatever you are, you are not a waiter.
What pickings? Oh, God.
I don´t believe it.
MARGARET: The golden egg.
Yeah, well the yellow metal ovoid, anyway.
Nicola, you better take it back tomorrow morning.
No, give it to me, I´ll deal with it.
HENDERSON: What, no finders Henderson, one of the first things they teach young police constables is just how dangerous a little lost property can be.
WOMAN: Who left the door open? BARRY: What´s wrong with those chickens? WOMAN: Oh, not again.
- BARRY: Put that down, Mark.
- Right.
I want you all to stay here stay here while I go in.
Stay here.
Stay here.
Mark? - MARK: Yeah? - BARRY: In you go.
- WOMAN: Go on, Barry.
- Stay there, Lucy.
Crabbe He´s a bore.
And what´s worse is, he´s a boor.
Oh, I´d love to say that to him.
"Barry, you´re a boring big-headed boozer, now buzz off and belt up, you´re barred.
" MARGARET: All his cronies are councilors, you know.
Of course they are.
He´d make sure of that.
I´m just saying.
Yes, I know what you´re just saying.
Barry´s friends give Fisher orders.
Maybe.
But not in my restaurant.
Oh.
Hello.
Oh, Barry.
Just got home and realized he´s left his egg behind.
He´s been burgled.
Whilst they were here.
Oh, Barry, I am sorry.
I´m afraid Henry´s in bed at the moment.
Have you tried the local police? Oh, closed, yes.
CRABBE: MARGARET: What about Barstock? Answering machine.
CRABBE: MARGARET: What about 999? Oh, no, won´t come unless the burglar´s there.
They´ll come tomorrow.
Well, I am sorry, Barry.
If 999 won´t help, I don´t see what Henry can do.
All right, yes.
I´ll tell him.
Oh, Barry, you left your egg here tonight, and Henry´s going to bring it round first thing in the morning.
Okay.
Bye.
I wish you hadn´t said that.
The egg could have waited a couple of days.
If I go round there tomorrow, he´ll want me to get involved.
He´s going to phone Fisher tonight.
At 1:00 A.
M.
? I hope he´s wearing earplugs.
Ow! That´s right, with an "F".
WOMAN: I can´t take any more of this! BARRY: I can´t believe it.
He´s ex-directory.
He´s probably frightened about all those irate people ringing up complaining about the rotten service he´s providing.
MARK: Who? BARRY: Freddy Fisher, that´s who.
I mean, whatever happened to the Citizens´ Charter, eh? I mean, all that cobblers about customers and quality of service? Look at it.
Boarded up and useless now.
I bought this house because it was specifically opposite a police station.
I need a drink.
I don´t believe this.
They´ve pinched the bloody Scotch.
Someone will pay for this.
Heads will roll.
My chickens.
MARGARET: Where are you going? CRABBE: Bit of shopping.
MARGARET: Take this back, will you? CRABBE: Oh, no.
MARGARET: Come on, you know what trouble lost property causes policemen.
MAN: Thanks for all your help.
See you tomorrow.
MAN: Bye-bye.
Bound over.
Cor, what a waste of time.
Still, breakfast weren´t bad, eh? WOMAN: Karl? - When do we get our hammer back? - WOMAN: Karl, leave it.
KARL: I´ll decide when to leave it.
Write and ask.
What if we need some nails knocking in? Use your head.
Oi you, Just ´cause he´s young, he don´t need you picking holes in him.
I know what your game is, and I´ll have you.
Why don´t you leave us alone? That´s your last chance.
Next time.
Come on, Mum.
Are you all right, P.
C.
Storer? Yes, Mr.
Cherry.
No, sir.
It´s him, sir.
Pikeys gypsies without caravans.
They´re a walking paradox.
No wonder they´re always in trouble.
And the law is no help, your tone implies.
STORER: The whole system is a farce.
The odds are stacked against me twice.
Once in nicking them because I´m outnumbered, and a second time in bringing them to court because of the attitude of lawyers.
Sir.
Bloody hell! Come on.
KARL: Wait.
Do you love me? LUCY: Of course I do, so let´s get on with it.
What´s a police cell like? KARL: Are you doing it on purpose? LUCY: No, I just asked.
I´ve never made love to anyone who´s been in a cell before.
KARL: You´re not doing it now.
LUCY: Did they strip KARL: I´ll show you.
MARK: Luce! Unhand my sister.
Lucy.
Oh, well, he smells of policemen.
Are you taking the rise? Oh, Luce, save me! LUCY: Save yourself.
I only meant you´d spent the night in the cells.
KARL: Don´t start.
How was dinner with Daddy? Okay.
Like the pike? Oh, yeah, you´re well informed.
Actually we didn´t have it.
Do you like fish, Pikey? Yeah, lovely stuff.
My Mum left me some roe and chips in the fridge last night.
LUCY: What, cold? KARL: No, I didn´t eat it.
No, he was in the cells.
Yeah, I´ll have it for lunch.
CRABBE: Egg.
BARRY: Like buses.
Nobody comes for 12 hours, and then two policemen come at once.
CRABBE: Ah, no, no, no, I´m here in my capacity as a restaurateur.
BARRY: It would be better if he came as a chef and you came as a policeman.
CRABBE: Morning, Storer.
BARRY: About time.
- Come on.
- STORER: Good morning, sir.
BARRY: They came through here and headed straight for the lounge and straight for my whisky.
- STORER: Malt, was it? - BARRY: Does it matter? STORER: I was thinking about lists.
We´ll need a list of the missing items.
BARRY: Oh, is that it, Henry? A list? CRABBE: I´m sorry I can´t help you, Barry.
It´s P.
C.
Storer´s case.
BARRY: So you approve, do you? He doesn´t show up for 12 hours, and when he does show up, he starts making notes about whether I drink malt or grain whisky? STORER: Sorry.
Never mind about lists, how about doing some policing? It´s been less than a month since the last time we were burgled.
CRABBE: I´ll be off then.
- Where are you going? - CRABBE: Home.
Well, what about the burglary? Look, P.
C.
Storer is one of our best young officers.
BARRY: It´s his case.
Yes.
So you´re just going to leave me like that? I´ve got a restaurant to run.
- STORER: Mrs Wilkes not about? - BARRY: Why? We´ll need Mrs Wilkes´ help to compile a list of her possessions.
She has gone to see her priest.
Now, it comes to something when the victims of crime get more support and comfort from their priest than the police.
Thank you very much.
CRABBE: Bye.
MAN: Umm! - LUCY: No you.
- MARK: Go on.
LUCY: Hello, Crabby.
Is that a policeman´s frown or a cook´s frown? CRABBE: It´s a "don´t call me Crabby" frown.
- MARK: Luce! - LUCY: Oh, Henry! Where´s Henderson? CRABBE: Gone fishing You know, I think he´s after supplying us with some pike.
Who, Henderson? Yes, you should have seen him.
He´s got this huge rod, can´t hold it.
Ah-Ah! When are we due some pike then? Can´t say.
- Why´s that, then? - STEVE: Don´t know.
Fishing´s a mystery to me.
I´ll have to see what my source says.
Are you keen? CRABBE: On pike? Always.
As long as they´re not too small.
They are straight, aren´t they? STEVE: Straight? CRABBE: As in not iffy.
They are from a kosher source? STEVE: Oh, you can´t poach pike.
They´re like foxes.
How was Torquay? JOHN: Loved it.
Tremendous.
The English Riviera.
What, Freezing, then? More bracing.
How´s your Auntie? Top form.
Good.
We never missed you.
CRABBE: I hate to intrude on this private grief, but do we have any customers at all? JOHN: We do, sir.
We have three, we´re promised four.
Business lunches.
The crab pate, chef´s salad and a soup, baked ham, roast pork, a steak and kidney, unless we have any pike on special.
Pike? BARRY: To celebrate the 25 millionth egg.
Oh, God, he´s even brought his lawyer for good measure.
Ah, Henry, do you know Brian Cherry? He is one of the senior partners in Cherry Solicitors.
Yes, of course.
Brian, how are you? And you know Roger.
I do.
I´m the Roger with the 20 flat tires in front of his garage, today.
I´m very sorry to hear it.
There´s just one more to come, so why don´t you have a glass while we wait? BRIAN: You´re not too busy, surely? No, uh, no.
No, no.
Hi.
So you came then? Yes, I even bought a new costume.
It´s not your style.
Sorry to keep you.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Hello.
BARRY: Take a pew, Rev.
Tears in the mothers and toddlers.
I had to pour oil.
Now, we´ve come to you, Henry, in a professional capacity.
CRABBE: Clearly.
ROGER: As a policeman.
REV: You are our local policeman.
No, I´m not.
You´re local and you´re a policeman.
Well, that´s different.
Mr.
Crabbe.
The community is in crisis.
- How? - Our streets are unsafe.
Here? Can´t say I´ve noticed.
I have to lock the church.
Have you been having thefts? REV: No, but you can´t trust people.
ROGER: Only last night my cars were vandalized.
REV: Some yob broke into Barry´s house and stole his goods whilst he was here in this very restaurant.
- BARRY: They keep doing it.
- BRIAN: Shame.
BARRY: They even helped themselves to my Scotch.
ROGER: Malt? BARRY: It´s not as if we don´t know who it is.
- You do? - BARRY: It´s obvious.
ROGER: We all do.
REV: As plain as a pikestaff.
BRIAN: P.
C.
Storer has him in his sights.
P.
C.
Storer.
Well, you know, there´s no problem.
What do you need me for? - ROGER: Policing.
- BRIAN: Action.
BARRY: An arrest.
BRIAN: Storer´s out of his depth.
BARRY: We want somebody who knows what they´re doing.
- REV: Who´s on the spot.
- ROGER: You.
I can´t.
Why not? Because it´s just not possible.
There´s a chain of command, this is the police.
It´s not a volunteer fire brigade, I can´t just take off my apron and go and man the pumps.
You haven´t retired, have you? No.
How does a serving police officer find so much time to pursue his hobby? This restaurant is not a hobby.
Right.
Well, what a wheeze.
You have a nice life here, subsidized by the taxpayer.
Is that general knowledge? JOHN: Sorry, chef, telephone call for you.
CRABBE: Excuse me.
It´s Mr.
Fisher, sir.
Sorry.
He said it was urgent.
CRABBE: Yeah.
Yes, sir? Yes, sir, got that.
Glad you saw it our way, Henry.
BARRY: So, where will you start? ROGER: With my flat tires.
REV: With Karl Elves, who´s at the bottom of it all.
Where shall I start? I´ll tell you where I´m going to start.
I shall start where I want to start.
STORER: Which is? CRABBE: Dave, will you just go outside and see if you can put your hand in the window.
See, can´t be done.
But what´s that supposed to mean? CRABBE: Well, it means that either your burglar didn´t break the window in order to get in, and if he did he´s got arms four-foot long.
See, there are no marks on this lock at all.
In fact there´s no sign of forced entry whatsoever.
BARRY: Except somebody´s stole our stuff.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Hello.
No, I didn´t order pizza.
I came about the burglary, actually.
I can´t help you.
It´s untouched.
Too many books, you see.
It´s of no interest to the average burglar.
CRABBE: No.
No, the hoi polloi don´t read anymore.
Hmm, did you have your keys when you came to the restaurant last night? Can´t remember.
Do you have them now? Did they leave your sister´s room alone as well? Well, there´s just no way of knowing.
LUCY: Dad Can I borrow your car? BARRY: No.
LUCY: Fascist.
Why? BARRY: Because you´re too bloody dangerous in it.
LUCY: Double fascist chauvinist pig! BARRY: I heard that the first time.
CRABBE: Is this the burglar or you? And what are you the tidy bedroom police? Do you have your keys? Search me.
BARRY: Excuse me, have you finished up there? Excuse me.
Barry, did you replace the stuff that was burgled last time, you know, the TV, video and stereo? STORER: Food processor too, wasn´t it? It was a word processor.
And it was two TVs, actually.
The insurance company will want receipts.
Well, I paid cash for some of them.
Paid cash for some of them.
I hope you give Pikey Elves a hard time as hard as you give the victim.
Leave it with me.
Pikey Elves? STORER: Karl Elves, sir.
A yob on a motorbike.
He´s a gypsy, so they call him Pikey.
It´s a CRABBE: A what? A slang word for "gypsy?" STORER: You can´t miss him.
CRABBE: I´ve seen him with those kids, you know.
- STORER: Those kids? - CRABBE: Yeah.
STORER: Does their father know? CRABBE: No, no, I don´t think we ought to pass that on until we´ve had a chance to have a word with young Pikey.
STORER: The burglary wasn´t him this time.
CRABBE: How do you know? STORER: I nicked him last night.
- CRABBE: What for? - STORER: Going equipped.
He was riding around with a hammer under his shirt.
CRABBE: What, are you saying he couldn´t possibly have done that burglary? STORER: He might have had time just to do the burglary, but he couldn´t have moved all that kit on his motorbike.
And I certainly didn´t nick him pushing a barrow through town.
CRABBE: Think he might have had time to hide the stuff? STORER: There´s nowhere.
No.
It´s all boarded up.
CRABBE: So much the better.
STORER: I started my service here.
CRABBE: Oh yes? STORER: The old days.
When there was a good old desk sergeant guns were unknown and people respected you.
And I didn´t have to drive 150 miles a shift.
As I say, the old days.
CRABBE: Yes, when men were men and policewomen were as well.
Just cast your eyes over that lot will you? STORER: Looks secure enough.
CRABBE: Yes, but have you noticed, these nails haven´t rusted why´s that? Didn´t you say Pikey had a hammer when you nicked him? STORER: Yeah.
CRABBE: Well, I think we ought to have a look inside.
Discreetly.
Let´s have a look round the back, eh? When the Middleton nick was closed down, we didn´t forget to empty the lost property cupboard, did we? STORER: No, Guv.
CRABBE: Have you got the list you made? Thanks.
STORER: This is not him.
This is too intelligent for him.
CRABBE: Yeah, that´s right.
There´s a certain flair about this.
An awareness of the meaning of actions.
I don´t see any microwave.
STORER: Oh, it´s their stuff, all right, Guv.
And more besides.
CRABBE: Well, , let´s get somebody down with a van, eh? Right, I won´t be long, I´ll be back before opening time.
NICOLA: Are you out after your pike? STEVE: Might be.
- NICOLA: Who is it, Steve? - STEVE: Can´t say.
Why? Fishing´s a craft, isn´t it? They like their secrets.
Oh, It´s all right, Nicola.
I´ll go.
Margaret.
What can I say? I´m so sorry.
MARGARET: About what? Cutting you like that at the swimming club, of course.
MARGARET: Oh, that.
WOMAN: I was terribly distraught, what with the burglary and everything.
I´m sorry.
Well, since you´re here, you can save me the price of a stamp.
What´s this? It´s a letter to Barry telling him I can no longer be his accountant.
Margaret.
He´s your biggest client.
Hmm.
I know.
Well, he´s my biggest ex-client now.
Bye.
STORER: Pikey! Pikey?! WOMAN: Karl?! Karl?! Will you answer me? MAN: Karl, are you going to get that door? Oh, it´s you.
What do you want? Hello, I´m Detective Inspector Crabbe and this is Yeah, I know who he is.
Pikey is what we want, so there´s no good hiding him behind your skirts.
Well, he ain´t here.
STORER: No, he´s not, is he? CRABBE: Well, let your hair down, Rapunzel.
What? Never mind, do you think we could have a chat anyway? Please? What are we going to do? MARK: Yeah it´s a problem, isn´t it, Luce? What would you do? LUCY: I don´t know.
MARK: No.
I bet you don´t.
Well, luckily, I have a fallback position.
LUCY: And Karl? Tea? CRABBE: Yes, please.
So, what´s the problem with Karl, Mrs.
Elves? ELVES: Where to begin? Kids today, Mr.
Crabbe, are a struggle.
Yes, has he got a job? ELVES: Not since he left school.
Hmm, does his father live here? He died when Karl was a baby.
I´m very sorry.
I didn´t know.
He´s in trouble again, isn´t he? I´m afraid he is, yes.
ELVES: It´s not his fault.
He´s easily led.
I try.
I do.
He´s a good boy, really.
Of course, he is.
He´s a good son.
He is cheeky, but he´s only cheeky.
I know.
Er where did you get the microwave? What are you after, mate? HENDERSON: What does it look like? Fish.
KARL: Well, you won´t find none in there.
HENDERSON: Did I ask for advice? KARL: All right, I´m just saying.
Just being friendly.
There ain´t no fish in there.
HENDERSON: I´ll let you know.
MAN: many southwestern and western areas.
Central areas will be mostly cloudy but should stay mainly dry.
Remaining areas of England Daddy? Daddy.
I have an admission to make.
Well, go on.
Well, I´ve done something rather stupid.
I loaned my keys to this place to a friend when we went out last night.
He comes from a very poor background, and, well, I just wanted him to have a good dinner and an evening in front of the TV.
His house hasn´t got any hot water.
The gas is cut off.
But well, it seems he abused the privilege and burgled you.
I am so sorry, I know it´s my fault.
But I didn´t know how to tell you before.
You were so upset and there were policemen everywhere.
Oh, darling, darling, don´t worry.
MARK: Sorry! What about the other times? KARL: Fancy a pint? STEVE: No.
KARL: Oh, just here for the fresh air, are you? STEVE: No, I´m waiting to see a man about a fish.
KARL: Has Crabbe asked you to have a sniff around me? STEVE: What? KARL: I´m not as stupid as I look.
Then read my lips, hardnut.
I´m here for the fish.
And I´ve got to get back.
Oi! Oi! Help! Oi! Help! Help! Don´t just stand there.
You were right.
There ain´t no fish in there.
STORER: So what´s the plan? CRABBE: Well, he won´t go far.
When he gets home, we´ll nick him.
Meanwhile I´ll make us some supper.
Now then, what´s all that about? Cheers.
KARL: Brr.
Steve? - STEVE: Oh, someone.
- HENDERSON: Roger Paynter.
Threw his bike in the river outside the Anchor.
Oh, that´s terrible.
KARL: Bloody yob.
So I brought them back here to dry out.
What were you doing there? For the pike.
He´s Pikey.
CRABBE: Oh, you´re the pike fisherman, Karl? That´s right.
That´s why they call me "Pikey.
" STORER: Does that mean you´re not a gypsy? KARL: What We´ve found the stuff, Karl.
What stuff? The loot from your burglaries.
We know it was you.
Yeah? Prove it.
I don´t have to.
You´re going to admit it.
Yeah, right.
Dream on.
Rather than let your Mum face charges for handling stolen goods.
STORER: The microwave, Karl.
The Wilkes´ microwave was in your Mum´s kitchen.
I just wanted to give her something.
And you wouldn´t charge her? Yeah, all right, I admit it, I done the burglaries.
Will I go to jail? Of course, you will.
But it´s not fair.
Why can´t we have a microwave? I´ve had years of people pushing down me throat, "if you want it get it, if you want it get it, if you want it get it.
" You shouldn´t believe everything politicians say.
Yeah, well you still need money, don´t you? Anyway, I´m not stupid.
I know how it works.
All the way to the top of society, people are robbing and thieving MPs, businessmen, councilors, even churchmen.
All hypocrites, I can see.
CRABBE: Not all of them.
Yeah, well, nobody´s going to give you nothing if you don´t take for yourself.
What gave you the idea of storing the stuff in the old police station? KARL: I dunno.
CRABBE: Not Mark Wilkes, then? Who? Come on, I´ve seen you together.
No, not from Mark Wilkes.
Nor Lucy? Nor Lucy.
It was my own idea.
You´re sure? I´m sure.
They wouldn´t do this for you, you know.
Two soup, two gravadlax, one rabbit terrine, one ham starter, three steak pie, one roast beef, two portions of pike.
Is anybody cooking in here? ´ere, where do you get the pike from? I´ll be quick as I can.
I´m sorry, Margaret, but I think I´m going to put the kibosh on one of your most important clients.
MARGARET: Good.
´Cause he´s my ex-client now.
Why? Oh, I´m fed up with the lot of them.
Evelyn was wretched to me yesterday at the swimming pool.
What, because of me? No.
´Cause I caught her snogging that vicar, Beaulieu.
You never did? In the car park at Barstock.
What, that puffed up little clergyman? Is that the best she can do? Good, Margaret.
BRIAN: Crabbe.
I´m glad I caught you.
CRABBE: I´m very busy.
BRIAN: This is official business.
You know I represent Barry Wilkes? CRABBE: Go on.
Their son has admitted he took pity on poor Karl Elves.
He loaned him his house keys so that he might enjoy the comfort of the Wilkes´ house for an evening.
This act of kindness was abused by Elves, and he burgled them.
Do you expect me to believe that? BARRY: Yes, we do.
They told Karl to trash their parents´ house.
Well, why would they do that? I don´t know.
Spoiled brats.
Career criminals.
Who cares? Either way, they´re in trouble.
BARRY: I don´t think so.
I do.
Look, if your house was burgled, Barry, your own kids would be the last ones anyone would suspect.
You´ve no proof.
Then I´ll just have to find some proof, won´t I? It is what you wanted, wasn´t it? I mean, a proper police investigation that would reach the truth? You´re wrong.
Look at them.
Which would you believe? You can´t drag the Wilkes´ name through the mud on the say-so of a yob, Crabbe.
They´ve no convictions.
Mark has got a university place, Luce is doing her "A" levels.
They come from a good stable background.
If it´s a competition in credibility, there´s no contest.
CRABBE: Just bring them down to Barstock nick, all right.
BRIAN: I´ll have them out again in an hour.
Yes, I know, but then that´s you doing your job, isn´t it? Now leave me to do mine.
Morning, Henry.
Morning.
ROGER: I see you nabbed that boy then.
Bit of a rum do, eh? CRABBE: Mm-hmm.
ROGER: Back to the kitchen now, is it? Well, not quite.
I´ve still got this criminal damage to sort out.
Oh, I expect the insurance will cough that up.
The main thing is he´s not still on the streets slashing tires.
No, I meant the criminal damage to Karl Elves´ bike.
You threw it in the river.
No, I didn´t.
A witness saw you.
Okay.
So, I did chuck his bike in the drink.
But what about my tires? Was I just supposed to put up with that? You picked the wrong yob.
Karl Elves was in police custody when your tires were being slashed.
I was just taking a bit of direct action.
So are we.
Get in the car.
Come on.
You´ve always got an excuse.
CRABBE: "Thyme, sweet marjoram, a little winter savoury.
"To these, put some pickled oysters and some anchovies too, "and a pound of sweet butter.
"This dish of meat is too good for any but anglers or very honest men.
" STEVE: Is that it? Well, breadcrumbs, that´s my contribution.
So, which are you then? HENDERSON: What? An angler or a very honest man? What´s to stop you being both? CRABBE: Well, quite.
Let him be roasted very leisurely and often basted with claret and almonds.
Oh, sounds smashing.
What is it? Izaak Walton.
"The Compleat Angler.
" The fish? Esox lucius.
The common English Pike or Pickerel.
Oh yeah, Pike.
Do a lot of that, do you? As much as I can find, which isn´t much.
So, how much do you pay for one? Uh, oh, I´m sorry, I only discuss that with my suppliers.
Where´s my parsnips? Then, add orange juice and garlic after that.
Oh good.
Pike.
Barry Wilkes loves it.
CRABBE: Margaret, Barry Wilkes can´t be coming again! He likes it here.
STEVE: Cheer up, Chef, he likes the food.
CRABBE: You don´t catch Mr.
Chukky Chicken eating the mush his so-called farms produce, do you.
MARGARET: He´s my best client Henry, he´s yours, too.
Don´t rub it in.
MARGARET: You´re a tradesman, Henry.
You have to trade it´s the first rule.
Tradesman, am I? What, a small town greasy spoon merchant? That´s nice.
MARGARET: Oh, don´t complain.
At least the place isn´t full of yobs calling for special fried rice.
Margaret, there are yobs and there are yobs.
That were lovely, weren´t it? Margaret? WOMAN, SOFTLY: Celebrity speech time.
"Pike the magnificent," "Pike the sublime," "Pike of pikes.
" And this, roast parsnip.
It was wonderful, as ever, Margaret.
This is the best restaurant in the county, Margaret Oh, thank you.
Or my name is not Mr.
Chukky Chicken.
MAN: Oh, God, here he comes.
Some chicken ALL: Some egg.
Sit down.
WOMAN, SOFTLY: Be nice.
I´ll call her over.
NICOLA: Yes? Yeah, I, uh I didn´t order this.
Would you like something else? Yeah.
A kiss.
On the menu? Now, Margaret, I had this made to celebrate the 25 millionth Chukky Chicken egg.
25 years in poultry, and the reward to myself was a golden egg.
What do you think? MARGARET: Oh, Barry, it´s BARRY: I know, I know.
Salt this end, pepper t´other.
Salt pepper, pepper salt.
It´s just like Henry´s, only I think it´s better, but that´s just my opinion.
Please.
WOMAN: It´s excessive, he knows, but I do think that if a man works hard, he´s entitled to his little trinkets.
You should come to keep fit.
Well, I don´t think it´s quite my scene.
You must have a swimming cossie? Yes, I think so, somewhere.
WOMAN: So it´s fixed.
The swimming club tomorrow lunchtime.
All right.
What´s he doing now? ´ere, who supplies the pike? Well? CRABBE: Well, what? I was just saying to Steve, do you know what I like about this kitchen? The opportunity it presents, presumably.
HENDERSON: It´s so orderly.
Outside the world Henry? I was wondering how you were.
Yeah, I´m fine, thanks, but we´re busy, I´m cooking.
BARRY: Look, a golden egg.
Oh, very nice, Barry.
BARRY: It represents 25 million Chukky Chickey eggs.
The chicken that laid the golden egg.
Goose, actually.
Lovely restaurant.
Sweet staff.
NICOLA: Bastard! BARRY: I was just thinking about those pikes.
NICOLA: Where´s his spotted dick? BARRY: Well, it must be possible to farm them.
STEVE: Hey, that´s the gravy! - NICOLA: Really? - BARRY: So what about pikes? If you can farm chickens and you can farm trout, you can farm pikes.
NICOLA: Your pudding, sir.
MAN: Yes, thank you.
NICOLA: Enjoy.
STORER: What´s the hurry, son? No hurry.
You were speeding.
No, I wasn´t.
What are you, a traffic cop as well now, Dave Storer? Constable Storer to you, young Karl.
And you´ve been sniffing the barmaid´s apron.
No, I haven´t.
It´s vinegar.
I´ve been eating chips.
And what´s this then? Your toothpick, is it? That is a very useful tool, that is.
That is going equipped, that is.
Get in the car.
Haven´t you got to read me me rights, or something? Yeah, get in the car or I´ll kick you up the jacksie.
You can´t do this.
Watch me.
HENDERSON: Crabbe Isn´t it true that washer-uppers get pickings off the plate? NICOLA: Only after the waiters.
Well, whatever you are, you are not a waiter.
What pickings? Oh, God.
I don´t believe it.
MARGARET: The golden egg.
Yeah, well the yellow metal ovoid, anyway.
Nicola, you better take it back tomorrow morning.
No, give it to me, I´ll deal with it.
HENDERSON: What, no finders Henderson, one of the first things they teach young police constables is just how dangerous a little lost property can be.
WOMAN: Who left the door open? BARRY: What´s wrong with those chickens? WOMAN: Oh, not again.
- BARRY: Put that down, Mark.
- Right.
I want you all to stay here stay here while I go in.
Stay here.
Stay here.
Mark? - MARK: Yeah? - BARRY: In you go.
- WOMAN: Go on, Barry.
- Stay there, Lucy.
Crabbe He´s a bore.
And what´s worse is, he´s a boor.
Oh, I´d love to say that to him.
"Barry, you´re a boring big-headed boozer, now buzz off and belt up, you´re barred.
" MARGARET: All his cronies are councilors, you know.
Of course they are.
He´d make sure of that.
I´m just saying.
Yes, I know what you´re just saying.
Barry´s friends give Fisher orders.
Maybe.
But not in my restaurant.
Oh.
Hello.
Oh, Barry.
Just got home and realized he´s left his egg behind.
He´s been burgled.
Whilst they were here.
Oh, Barry, I am sorry.
I´m afraid Henry´s in bed at the moment.
Have you tried the local police? Oh, closed, yes.
CRABBE: MARGARET: What about Barstock? Answering machine.
CRABBE: MARGARET: What about 999? Oh, no, won´t come unless the burglar´s there.
They´ll come tomorrow.
Well, I am sorry, Barry.
If 999 won´t help, I don´t see what Henry can do.
All right, yes.
I´ll tell him.
Oh, Barry, you left your egg here tonight, and Henry´s going to bring it round first thing in the morning.
Okay.
Bye.
I wish you hadn´t said that.
The egg could have waited a couple of days.
If I go round there tomorrow, he´ll want me to get involved.
He´s going to phone Fisher tonight.
At 1:00 A.
M.
? I hope he´s wearing earplugs.
Ow! That´s right, with an "F".
WOMAN: I can´t take any more of this! BARRY: I can´t believe it.
He´s ex-directory.
He´s probably frightened about all those irate people ringing up complaining about the rotten service he´s providing.
MARK: Who? BARRY: Freddy Fisher, that´s who.
I mean, whatever happened to the Citizens´ Charter, eh? I mean, all that cobblers about customers and quality of service? Look at it.
Boarded up and useless now.
I bought this house because it was specifically opposite a police station.
I need a drink.
I don´t believe this.
They´ve pinched the bloody Scotch.
Someone will pay for this.
Heads will roll.
My chickens.
MARGARET: Where are you going? CRABBE: Bit of shopping.
MARGARET: Take this back, will you? CRABBE: Oh, no.
MARGARET: Come on, you know what trouble lost property causes policemen.
MAN: Thanks for all your help.
See you tomorrow.
MAN: Bye-bye.
Bound over.
Cor, what a waste of time.
Still, breakfast weren´t bad, eh? WOMAN: Karl? - When do we get our hammer back? - WOMAN: Karl, leave it.
KARL: I´ll decide when to leave it.
Write and ask.
What if we need some nails knocking in? Use your head.
Oi you, Just ´cause he´s young, he don´t need you picking holes in him.
I know what your game is, and I´ll have you.
Why don´t you leave us alone? That´s your last chance.
Next time.
Come on, Mum.
Are you all right, P.
C.
Storer? Yes, Mr.
Cherry.
No, sir.
It´s him, sir.
Pikeys gypsies without caravans.
They´re a walking paradox.
No wonder they´re always in trouble.
And the law is no help, your tone implies.
STORER: The whole system is a farce.
The odds are stacked against me twice.
Once in nicking them because I´m outnumbered, and a second time in bringing them to court because of the attitude of lawyers.
Sir.
Bloody hell! Come on.
KARL: Wait.
Do you love me? LUCY: Of course I do, so let´s get on with it.
What´s a police cell like? KARL: Are you doing it on purpose? LUCY: No, I just asked.
I´ve never made love to anyone who´s been in a cell before.
KARL: You´re not doing it now.
LUCY: Did they strip KARL: I´ll show you.
MARK: Luce! Unhand my sister.
Lucy.
Oh, well, he smells of policemen.
Are you taking the rise? Oh, Luce, save me! LUCY: Save yourself.
I only meant you´d spent the night in the cells.
KARL: Don´t start.
How was dinner with Daddy? Okay.
Like the pike? Oh, yeah, you´re well informed.
Actually we didn´t have it.
Do you like fish, Pikey? Yeah, lovely stuff.
My Mum left me some roe and chips in the fridge last night.
LUCY: What, cold? KARL: No, I didn´t eat it.
No, he was in the cells.
Yeah, I´ll have it for lunch.
CRABBE: Egg.
BARRY: Like buses.
Nobody comes for 12 hours, and then two policemen come at once.
CRABBE: Ah, no, no, no, I´m here in my capacity as a restaurateur.
BARRY: It would be better if he came as a chef and you came as a policeman.
CRABBE: Morning, Storer.
BARRY: About time.
- Come on.
- STORER: Good morning, sir.
BARRY: They came through here and headed straight for the lounge and straight for my whisky.
- STORER: Malt, was it? - BARRY: Does it matter? STORER: I was thinking about lists.
We´ll need a list of the missing items.
BARRY: Oh, is that it, Henry? A list? CRABBE: I´m sorry I can´t help you, Barry.
It´s P.
C.
Storer´s case.
BARRY: So you approve, do you? He doesn´t show up for 12 hours, and when he does show up, he starts making notes about whether I drink malt or grain whisky? STORER: Sorry.
Never mind about lists, how about doing some policing? It´s been less than a month since the last time we were burgled.
CRABBE: I´ll be off then.
- Where are you going? - CRABBE: Home.
Well, what about the burglary? Look, P.
C.
Storer is one of our best young officers.
BARRY: It´s his case.
Yes.
So you´re just going to leave me like that? I´ve got a restaurant to run.
- STORER: Mrs Wilkes not about? - BARRY: Why? We´ll need Mrs Wilkes´ help to compile a list of her possessions.
She has gone to see her priest.
Now, it comes to something when the victims of crime get more support and comfort from their priest than the police.
Thank you very much.
CRABBE: Bye.
MAN: Umm! - LUCY: No you.
- MARK: Go on.
LUCY: Hello, Crabby.
Is that a policeman´s frown or a cook´s frown? CRABBE: It´s a "don´t call me Crabby" frown.
- MARK: Luce! - LUCY: Oh, Henry! Where´s Henderson? CRABBE: Gone fishing You know, I think he´s after supplying us with some pike.
Who, Henderson? Yes, you should have seen him.
He´s got this huge rod, can´t hold it.
Ah-Ah! When are we due some pike then? Can´t say.
- Why´s that, then? - STEVE: Don´t know.
Fishing´s a mystery to me.
I´ll have to see what my source says.
Are you keen? CRABBE: On pike? Always.
As long as they´re not too small.
They are straight, aren´t they? STEVE: Straight? CRABBE: As in not iffy.
They are from a kosher source? STEVE: Oh, you can´t poach pike.
They´re like foxes.
How was Torquay? JOHN: Loved it.
Tremendous.
The English Riviera.
What, Freezing, then? More bracing.
How´s your Auntie? Top form.
Good.
We never missed you.
CRABBE: I hate to intrude on this private grief, but do we have any customers at all? JOHN: We do, sir.
We have three, we´re promised four.
Business lunches.
The crab pate, chef´s salad and a soup, baked ham, roast pork, a steak and kidney, unless we have any pike on special.
Pike? BARRY: To celebrate the 25 millionth egg.
Oh, God, he´s even brought his lawyer for good measure.
Ah, Henry, do you know Brian Cherry? He is one of the senior partners in Cherry Solicitors.
Yes, of course.
Brian, how are you? And you know Roger.
I do.
I´m the Roger with the 20 flat tires in front of his garage, today.
I´m very sorry to hear it.
There´s just one more to come, so why don´t you have a glass while we wait? BRIAN: You´re not too busy, surely? No, uh, no.
No, no.
Hi.
So you came then? Yes, I even bought a new costume.
It´s not your style.
Sorry to keep you.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Hello.
BARRY: Take a pew, Rev.
Tears in the mothers and toddlers.
I had to pour oil.
Now, we´ve come to you, Henry, in a professional capacity.
CRABBE: Clearly.
ROGER: As a policeman.
REV: You are our local policeman.
No, I´m not.
You´re local and you´re a policeman.
Well, that´s different.
Mr.
Crabbe.
The community is in crisis.
- How? - Our streets are unsafe.
Here? Can´t say I´ve noticed.
I have to lock the church.
Have you been having thefts? REV: No, but you can´t trust people.
ROGER: Only last night my cars were vandalized.
REV: Some yob broke into Barry´s house and stole his goods whilst he was here in this very restaurant.
- BARRY: They keep doing it.
- BRIAN: Shame.
BARRY: They even helped themselves to my Scotch.
ROGER: Malt? BARRY: It´s not as if we don´t know who it is.
- You do? - BARRY: It´s obvious.
ROGER: We all do.
REV: As plain as a pikestaff.
BRIAN: P.
C.
Storer has him in his sights.
P.
C.
Storer.
Well, you know, there´s no problem.
What do you need me for? - ROGER: Policing.
- BRIAN: Action.
BARRY: An arrest.
BRIAN: Storer´s out of his depth.
BARRY: We want somebody who knows what they´re doing.
- REV: Who´s on the spot.
- ROGER: You.
I can´t.
Why not? Because it´s just not possible.
There´s a chain of command, this is the police.
It´s not a volunteer fire brigade, I can´t just take off my apron and go and man the pumps.
You haven´t retired, have you? No.
How does a serving police officer find so much time to pursue his hobby? This restaurant is not a hobby.
Right.
Well, what a wheeze.
You have a nice life here, subsidized by the taxpayer.
Is that general knowledge? JOHN: Sorry, chef, telephone call for you.
CRABBE: Excuse me.
It´s Mr.
Fisher, sir.
Sorry.
He said it was urgent.
CRABBE: Yeah.
Yes, sir? Yes, sir, got that.
Glad you saw it our way, Henry.
BARRY: So, where will you start? ROGER: With my flat tires.
REV: With Karl Elves, who´s at the bottom of it all.
Where shall I start? I´ll tell you where I´m going to start.
I shall start where I want to start.
STORER: Which is? CRABBE: Dave, will you just go outside and see if you can put your hand in the window.
See, can´t be done.
But what´s that supposed to mean? CRABBE: Well, it means that either your burglar didn´t break the window in order to get in, and if he did he´s got arms four-foot long.
See, there are no marks on this lock at all.
In fact there´s no sign of forced entry whatsoever.
BARRY: Except somebody´s stole our stuff.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Hello.
No, I didn´t order pizza.
I came about the burglary, actually.
I can´t help you.
It´s untouched.
Too many books, you see.
It´s of no interest to the average burglar.
CRABBE: No.
No, the hoi polloi don´t read anymore.
Hmm, did you have your keys when you came to the restaurant last night? Can´t remember.
Do you have them now? Did they leave your sister´s room alone as well? Well, there´s just no way of knowing.
LUCY: Dad Can I borrow your car? BARRY: No.
LUCY: Fascist.
Why? BARRY: Because you´re too bloody dangerous in it.
LUCY: Double fascist chauvinist pig! BARRY: I heard that the first time.
CRABBE: Is this the burglar or you? And what are you the tidy bedroom police? Do you have your keys? Search me.
BARRY: Excuse me, have you finished up there? Excuse me.
Barry, did you replace the stuff that was burgled last time, you know, the TV, video and stereo? STORER: Food processor too, wasn´t it? It was a word processor.
And it was two TVs, actually.
The insurance company will want receipts.
Well, I paid cash for some of them.
Paid cash for some of them.
I hope you give Pikey Elves a hard time as hard as you give the victim.
Leave it with me.
Pikey Elves? STORER: Karl Elves, sir.
A yob on a motorbike.
He´s a gypsy, so they call him Pikey.
It´s a CRABBE: A what? A slang word for "gypsy?" STORER: You can´t miss him.
CRABBE: I´ve seen him with those kids, you know.
- STORER: Those kids? - CRABBE: Yeah.
STORER: Does their father know? CRABBE: No, no, I don´t think we ought to pass that on until we´ve had a chance to have a word with young Pikey.
STORER: The burglary wasn´t him this time.
CRABBE: How do you know? STORER: I nicked him last night.
- CRABBE: What for? - STORER: Going equipped.
He was riding around with a hammer under his shirt.
CRABBE: What, are you saying he couldn´t possibly have done that burglary? STORER: He might have had time just to do the burglary, but he couldn´t have moved all that kit on his motorbike.
And I certainly didn´t nick him pushing a barrow through town.
CRABBE: Think he might have had time to hide the stuff? STORER: There´s nowhere.
No.
It´s all boarded up.
CRABBE: So much the better.
STORER: I started my service here.
CRABBE: Oh yes? STORER: The old days.
When there was a good old desk sergeant guns were unknown and people respected you.
And I didn´t have to drive 150 miles a shift.
As I say, the old days.
CRABBE: Yes, when men were men and policewomen were as well.
Just cast your eyes over that lot will you? STORER: Looks secure enough.
CRABBE: Yes, but have you noticed, these nails haven´t rusted why´s that? Didn´t you say Pikey had a hammer when you nicked him? STORER: Yeah.
CRABBE: Well, I think we ought to have a look inside.
Discreetly.
Let´s have a look round the back, eh? When the Middleton nick was closed down, we didn´t forget to empty the lost property cupboard, did we? STORER: No, Guv.
CRABBE: Have you got the list you made? Thanks.
STORER: This is not him.
This is too intelligent for him.
CRABBE: Yeah, that´s right.
There´s a certain flair about this.
An awareness of the meaning of actions.
I don´t see any microwave.
STORER: Oh, it´s their stuff, all right, Guv.
And more besides.
CRABBE: Well, , let´s get somebody down with a van, eh? Right, I won´t be long, I´ll be back before opening time.
NICOLA: Are you out after your pike? STEVE: Might be.
- NICOLA: Who is it, Steve? - STEVE: Can´t say.
Why? Fishing´s a craft, isn´t it? They like their secrets.
Oh, It´s all right, Nicola.
I´ll go.
Margaret.
What can I say? I´m so sorry.
MARGARET: About what? Cutting you like that at the swimming club, of course.
MARGARET: Oh, that.
WOMAN: I was terribly distraught, what with the burglary and everything.
I´m sorry.
Well, since you´re here, you can save me the price of a stamp.
What´s this? It´s a letter to Barry telling him I can no longer be his accountant.
Margaret.
He´s your biggest client.
Hmm.
I know.
Well, he´s my biggest ex-client now.
Bye.
STORER: Pikey! Pikey?! WOMAN: Karl?! Karl?! Will you answer me? MAN: Karl, are you going to get that door? Oh, it´s you.
What do you want? Hello, I´m Detective Inspector Crabbe and this is Yeah, I know who he is.
Pikey is what we want, so there´s no good hiding him behind your skirts.
Well, he ain´t here.
STORER: No, he´s not, is he? CRABBE: Well, let your hair down, Rapunzel.
What? Never mind, do you think we could have a chat anyway? Please? What are we going to do? MARK: Yeah it´s a problem, isn´t it, Luce? What would you do? LUCY: I don´t know.
MARK: No.
I bet you don´t.
Well, luckily, I have a fallback position.
LUCY: And Karl? Tea? CRABBE: Yes, please.
So, what´s the problem with Karl, Mrs.
Elves? ELVES: Where to begin? Kids today, Mr.
Crabbe, are a struggle.
Yes, has he got a job? ELVES: Not since he left school.
Hmm, does his father live here? He died when Karl was a baby.
I´m very sorry.
I didn´t know.
He´s in trouble again, isn´t he? I´m afraid he is, yes.
ELVES: It´s not his fault.
He´s easily led.
I try.
I do.
He´s a good boy, really.
Of course, he is.
He´s a good son.
He is cheeky, but he´s only cheeky.
I know.
Er where did you get the microwave? What are you after, mate? HENDERSON: What does it look like? Fish.
KARL: Well, you won´t find none in there.
HENDERSON: Did I ask for advice? KARL: All right, I´m just saying.
Just being friendly.
There ain´t no fish in there.
HENDERSON: I´ll let you know.
MAN: many southwestern and western areas.
Central areas will be mostly cloudy but should stay mainly dry.
Remaining areas of England Daddy? Daddy.
I have an admission to make.
Well, go on.
Well, I´ve done something rather stupid.
I loaned my keys to this place to a friend when we went out last night.
He comes from a very poor background, and, well, I just wanted him to have a good dinner and an evening in front of the TV.
His house hasn´t got any hot water.
The gas is cut off.
But well, it seems he abused the privilege and burgled you.
I am so sorry, I know it´s my fault.
But I didn´t know how to tell you before.
You were so upset and there were policemen everywhere.
Oh, darling, darling, don´t worry.
MARK: Sorry! What about the other times? KARL: Fancy a pint? STEVE: No.
KARL: Oh, just here for the fresh air, are you? STEVE: No, I´m waiting to see a man about a fish.
KARL: Has Crabbe asked you to have a sniff around me? STEVE: What? KARL: I´m not as stupid as I look.
Then read my lips, hardnut.
I´m here for the fish.
And I´ve got to get back.
Oi! Oi! Help! Oi! Help! Help! Don´t just stand there.
You were right.
There ain´t no fish in there.
STORER: So what´s the plan? CRABBE: Well, he won´t go far.
When he gets home, we´ll nick him.
Meanwhile I´ll make us some supper.
Now then, what´s all that about? Cheers.
KARL: Brr.
Steve? - STEVE: Oh, someone.
- HENDERSON: Roger Paynter.
Threw his bike in the river outside the Anchor.
Oh, that´s terrible.
KARL: Bloody yob.
So I brought them back here to dry out.
What were you doing there? For the pike.
He´s Pikey.
CRABBE: Oh, you´re the pike fisherman, Karl? That´s right.
That´s why they call me "Pikey.
" STORER: Does that mean you´re not a gypsy? KARL: What We´ve found the stuff, Karl.
What stuff? The loot from your burglaries.
We know it was you.
Yeah? Prove it.
I don´t have to.
You´re going to admit it.
Yeah, right.
Dream on.
Rather than let your Mum face charges for handling stolen goods.
STORER: The microwave, Karl.
The Wilkes´ microwave was in your Mum´s kitchen.
I just wanted to give her something.
And you wouldn´t charge her? Yeah, all right, I admit it, I done the burglaries.
Will I go to jail? Of course, you will.
But it´s not fair.
Why can´t we have a microwave? I´ve had years of people pushing down me throat, "if you want it get it, if you want it get it, if you want it get it.
" You shouldn´t believe everything politicians say.
Yeah, well you still need money, don´t you? Anyway, I´m not stupid.
I know how it works.
All the way to the top of society, people are robbing and thieving MPs, businessmen, councilors, even churchmen.
All hypocrites, I can see.
CRABBE: Not all of them.
Yeah, well, nobody´s going to give you nothing if you don´t take for yourself.
What gave you the idea of storing the stuff in the old police station? KARL: I dunno.
CRABBE: Not Mark Wilkes, then? Who? Come on, I´ve seen you together.
No, not from Mark Wilkes.
Nor Lucy? Nor Lucy.
It was my own idea.
You´re sure? I´m sure.
They wouldn´t do this for you, you know.
Two soup, two gravadlax, one rabbit terrine, one ham starter, three steak pie, one roast beef, two portions of pike.
Is anybody cooking in here? ´ere, where do you get the pike from? I´ll be quick as I can.
I´m sorry, Margaret, but I think I´m going to put the kibosh on one of your most important clients.
MARGARET: Good.
´Cause he´s my ex-client now.
Why? Oh, I´m fed up with the lot of them.
Evelyn was wretched to me yesterday at the swimming pool.
What, because of me? No.
´Cause I caught her snogging that vicar, Beaulieu.
You never did? In the car park at Barstock.
What, that puffed up little clergyman? Is that the best she can do? Good, Margaret.
BRIAN: Crabbe.
I´m glad I caught you.
CRABBE: I´m very busy.
BRIAN: This is official business.
You know I represent Barry Wilkes? CRABBE: Go on.
Their son has admitted he took pity on poor Karl Elves.
He loaned him his house keys so that he might enjoy the comfort of the Wilkes´ house for an evening.
This act of kindness was abused by Elves, and he burgled them.
Do you expect me to believe that? BARRY: Yes, we do.
They told Karl to trash their parents´ house.
Well, why would they do that? I don´t know.
Spoiled brats.
Career criminals.
Who cares? Either way, they´re in trouble.
BARRY: I don´t think so.
I do.
Look, if your house was burgled, Barry, your own kids would be the last ones anyone would suspect.
You´ve no proof.
Then I´ll just have to find some proof, won´t I? It is what you wanted, wasn´t it? I mean, a proper police investigation that would reach the truth? You´re wrong.
Look at them.
Which would you believe? You can´t drag the Wilkes´ name through the mud on the say-so of a yob, Crabbe.
They´ve no convictions.
Mark has got a university place, Luce is doing her "A" levels.
They come from a good stable background.
If it´s a competition in credibility, there´s no contest.
CRABBE: Just bring them down to Barstock nick, all right.
BRIAN: I´ll have them out again in an hour.
Yes, I know, but then that´s you doing your job, isn´t it? Now leave me to do mine.
Morning, Henry.
Morning.
ROGER: I see you nabbed that boy then.
Bit of a rum do, eh? CRABBE: Mm-hmm.
ROGER: Back to the kitchen now, is it? Well, not quite.
I´ve still got this criminal damage to sort out.
Oh, I expect the insurance will cough that up.
The main thing is he´s not still on the streets slashing tires.
No, I meant the criminal damage to Karl Elves´ bike.
You threw it in the river.
No, I didn´t.
A witness saw you.
Okay.
So, I did chuck his bike in the drink.
But what about my tires? Was I just supposed to put up with that? You picked the wrong yob.
Karl Elves was in police custody when your tires were being slashed.
I was just taking a bit of direct action.
So are we.
Get in the car.
Come on.