Please Like Me (2013) s02e09 Episode Script

What are you looking at? "27 Pictures That Will Make You Feel Joyful.
" That does not look like it's working.
There was a tiger breastfeeding piglets before That was pretty awesome.
Oh, yeah, I love unlikely animal friends.
I wish John would make an unlikely animal friend.
John.
I didn't really think Claire and I would get back together until she said we weren't.
Then I realized actually every choice I've made since we broke up has been me just treading water until she gets home so we can be together and I can touch her hair and stuff.
- Do you want a toffee? - No.
Everything just tastes like sad.
Tom, I get you're hurt, okay, but my toffees don't taste like sad.
- Think that old guy in Germany changed her? - No.
Although he does seem like the kind of guy that doesn't rely on baby animals - to help him feel joyful.
- Yeah.
- She'd like that.
- Yeah.
Not a wrapped one! Oh my God.
- These are really delicious.
- I know, right? I'm going to sell so many of these babies on my cart.
- You're going to be a millionaire.
- Yeah.
- Thanks to: ivan_dnt - - For PLMBR - - Hey, Arnold.
- Good morning.
You said you had to be up by 5:00, so I was just calling to make sure you did that.
- I always wake up early.
- No I have more time, I have more time.
Oh, shit, sorry.
Um, okay.
- I'll call you back later? - No, it's good.
It's good.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Just talk me awake.
- Okay.
Um So you still want to go on our date tonight? - Yeah.
- Okay, good, I'm just worried I'm not worried, I just My parents don't know I'm gay, so you can't like do anything.
What? You can't touch me.
They don't They don't know? So you can't get out of the car, okay? Just text on approach.
- Deal.
- Also my psychiatrist - is coming to see your cart today.
- Okay.
- Does she know you're gay? - Yeah.
She's nervous about you, so you have to be What? - Decent.
- Decent? Oh, it's my dad.
Okay, I'll call you back.
Oh, uh, okay.
- Hi, Josh, it's Dad - Hi.
Yeah, I'm up.
I'm up, okay? I'm good, I'm up.
You know you need to be there before people get to work.
Yeah, I know, I'm up, I just said I was up! Jesus Christ! There's something I want to tell you and I want to do it now because Mae'll be there later.
I love Mae.
- That's good, that's nice.
- Yes.
And I want to marry her.
Brilliant.
That's brilliant.
That is good.
Boy, it means a lot to me that I have your permission.
- Mmm - I adore her, Josh, I do.
She knows her own mind, she's smart, she's funny, she does cute, unexpected little things.
And she's sexy.
She's sexy.
She makes me feel good.
You know, like I'm providing, like I'm a man.
'Cause, you know, I'm not really - much of a man, Josh.
- Yeah.
I don't know what's going on most of the time.
Sometimes when I get home, I feel quite lost.
But she loves me and Gracie loves me and that makes me feel good.
- Comfortable.
- Dad, I have to I have to go and have a shower, okay? Oh, yeah, yeah.
- I'll see you there later.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Call Arnold.
Hi.
My dad's gonna propose to Mae.
Wow.
Okay, um, do we need to reschedule our date? Nah.
Why?! I don't want to steal your dad's thunder.
Why? Are you planning on proposing? Oh no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
- Okay, I have to go now, okay? - Okay.
Well, I'll see you later.
Please just don't mention to my psychiatrist that I said she was nervous about you.
There's just so many rules, Arnold.
There are so many rules.
I just get the impression she's nervous.
Maybe just don't mention I mentioned her.
Pretend like you don't know she exists.
Okay.
Maybe I'll pretend that I don't know you exist.
- Make her really question your mental health.
- I didn't mean it like that.
Maybe when I meet her, I'll do a little accent.
You think she'll like me more if I was Spanish? I think she would like you more if you were Spanish.
- Bye.
- Hola! Jesus, shit! Jeez, a shitty day.
At least my bird is colorful, Hannah.
That's not a bird.
Hi.
Mind if I sit down? Ugh, only if you help me with my bird.
No problem.
I've got a preternatural ability with felt craft.
Uh, got some news, Rose.
Yep? I'm leaving Today.
Hazel's coming to pick me up.
- Hazel? - Yeah, my bitch wife.
Oh.
I didn't know her name.
Here we go.
Just need to glue some wings on and the little fella will be fine.
Great, thank you.
It was nice meeting you, Rose.
Yeah, you too.
- Have a nice time.
- Cheers.
I have some news of my own.
- Hannah.
- Sorry? I have some news of my own.
I'm allowed to leave whenever I want.
They told me last week that I could leave.
I haven't told anybody yet.
You want me to ask why, don't you? Yes.
Why? Well, I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave.
I think they might have made a mistake.
- Squawk! - Oh What are you doing? Oh Mae, can you give me a hand? To move this Ah, stop grunting.
It's gross.
Josh needs the umbrella moved.
He's got it facing the wrong way.
No, it's fine, it's just fine where it was.
Can you take her into the shade, please? I'm going to.
Jeez - You know what you're doing? - Yeah.
- Feel the heat with your hand.
- Yeah, I am.
- Pull your hands away - They're fine! What do you think about hot-air balloons? Um I don't really understand how they control them.
It's $3, please.
- Here.
- Thank you.
- On the house.
- Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I was thinking of doing it in a hot-air balloon.
But I also want you and Grace to come.
Yeah, I want to ask her as a family.
How could she refuse all this? Huh? So are you allowed to leave? Yeah, I'm voluntary.
I can leave whenever.
So why don't you? My girlfriend broke up with me.
She didn't have time to wait for me to sort myself out.
And she took custody of our house That she owned.
So you can't leave because you've got nowhere to go.
- I have a tent.
- Hello.
- Oh, hey, ladies.
- Hi, lovey.
No customers.
Uh, not now.
I mean, I've had customers.
- Did you make all this? - Yeah, I made everything.
Even the musk sticks? Yeah, I made frickin' musk sticks.
Oh, good on you.
This looks really good, Josh.
How many grandmas died for this? Rose.
Hannah.
I'm gonna do it, I've decided.
- In a hot-air balloon.
- You're gonna do it? Great, do it.
- Do what? - Nothing.
Please can you just tell her, okay? She's going to find out eventually.
- Just tell her, get it done.
- You don't have to tell me everything.
That's one of the benefits of being divorced.
I don't have to pretend to be interested.
I'm gonna propose to Mae.
Hmm.
Well, you've already got a baby, so it's not very big news, is it, really? Okay, guys, Arnold's here.
Arnold, hi! Does Mae know that when you say "for better or worse," you can only offer worse? Hey, Arnold, check out my cart.
It's incredible.
This is Marilyn, she's my psychiatrist.
Hi! Uh, this is my mum.
This is my mum here and my dad.
Oh, how nice of you to come out to support your son.
All hanging out.
Have we met? At the hospital.
Rose is a patient there.
Well, I'm sure this is a very positive day for you, Rose.
Well, I've had better.
- Arnold said it's your first day.
- Yeah, do you want a cappuccino? I'm not good with caffeine.
I have chamomile tea, but, you know, who drinks that? That's embarrassing, I love it.
Of course.
Okay.
These are very good caramel Sugar spikes So where are you two boys going on your date? Uh, haven't decided.
It would be good if you could pick somewhere safe, like a safe environment? Oh, fuck that, jump in.
It's about time Josh found someone to love him.
- Anyone.
- Come on, Dad.
Please, just be We're just hanging out.
Oh, love is in the air.
I mean, we're just going to go to dinner.
I promise there'll be no blowfish or nothing.
Okay, yeah, well, what I meant was I think maybe it would be better if it's not just you two.
Do you want to come, Marilyn? - You can keep an eye on us.
- No.
It's okay, Josh.
It can be just the two of us.
Well, of course, you can do what you want.
It's just my suggestion that you go with a group of friends, yeah? - Keep it light.
- Yeah, sure.
I'm not that confident that I have enough friends to make a group.
Mmm! Good tea.
Your son makes good tea.
What a nice celebration for his first day.
Cheers.
A day full of happy memories and fantastic tea.
Oh, Rose, that reminds me.
Are you using that digital camera we bought? - Which camera? - The good one.
The one we bought for Josh's graduation.
Dad, that camera is so old.
- It was a very expensive camera.
- Yeah, like in 2007.
I don't have it.
You must have it, Rose, I don't have it.
I don't treasure every minor item that you've left behind and keep them in a special velvet box, just waiting for when you wanna come and pick it up, Alan.
Did you want to photograph the cart? - 'Cause perhaps you can just use your phone.
- No, thanks, Marilyn.
I just don't want a good camera going to waste.
- Is this for your secret? - No, no, no, no.
I just wondered about the camera.
- Forget I asked.
- Okay.
Although, I really can't see where else it could be.
- Do you want me to buy you a camera? - No, no, of course not.
I was just thinking that if you weren't using the camera, I could, you know I mean, did you check in the roof before you moved out? I don't have it.
- Arnold, do you need some time out? - No, I can handle things, I'm okay.
If you really wanted it, Alan, why didn't you take it with you? I barely had time to pack a suitcase, Rose.
I'm gonna have a look at that baby.
And yet, you managed to come back nearly every day for weeks and weeks.
Now, is that odd to you, is that odd? Hi, Hannah.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Grace.
You want to hold her? Yeah? Yeah.
Say, "Hi, Grace.
" You want me to take her back? - Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
Are Alan and Rose fighting again? Yep.
That appears to be what is happening.
Okay.
Grace, you lie here.
Do you mind just sitting with her for a moment? Sure, I can do that.
Okay.
Okay, it's okay.
Okay.
Just one moment.
Must be nice having an excuse not to talk.
Rose, I don't understand why you're getting so upset.
I'm not having a go, I'm just saying I think we left a box of stuff somewhere.
Nobody can find the camera or the drill.
I mean, how do you lose a drill? I can't even remember what happened yesterday.
How am I supposed to remember a box of tools from years ago? Well So what are we talking about? Love.
Yes, yes, we're getting all very excited because Josh is going on a date.
- Oh, so cute! - Hey, it's not a big deal.
Yeah, it's no big deal.
- Alan thinks I stole his tools.
- I don't think she stole them.
- I'm just asking her if she's seen them.
- Have you seen them? - Do you think I care about the drill? - No.
Why do you give a shit about the drill? 'Cause it's handy to have a drill sometimes.
- You've never been a handyman.
- Because I don't have a drill! Buy a new one.
Oh, could you get a camera while you're there? Why is it such a big deal, me asking you about a camera? Maybe the camera's up my bum! Would you like to go looking up my bum for the camera? Do you watch much Alfred Hitchcock? Don't need a new camera.
We use our phone.
It was a very expensive camera.
Look, I know I'm supposed to be off-duty, but I feel like I should step in here.
- Oh, bugger off.
- Don't bring her into it.
- You'll upset Arnold.
- Oh, Arnold's fine.
I really am fine.
Why have you started all of this because of a stupid camera? Why am I the bad guy? Why am I always the bad guy? Oh, do you really want a list? - Excuse me, Alan is a good man! - You would say that, Mae.
I mean, otherwise you'd have to find another way of paying the rent, wouldn't you? You bitch! I'm sorry.
Look, I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it.
Look, I really like you, you're okay.
It's just that Alan Alan Alan is a bad guy! I'm a good man! Everyone's good, okay? All tops, tops people.
I made candy! She doesn't like me.
Someone should go get her.
- You can't go the same way as I am! - I'm going to get my baby.
Oh, fine.
Fuck.
Come on, Hannah.
- That's the wrong way.
- Yes, yeah.
I'm sorry about your family.
Yeah! Yeah.
Tom! Tom Hey, buddy.
Tom? - Hi.
- Where are you? - I'm in the spa.
- Alone? Yep.
Just having a spa, trying to figure out why I'm not better at life.
Did you ever consider all the weed? Maybe all the weed? - No.
- Nah? No.
How often are you smoking weed? Most days.
I mean, every day.
Like they say that like if you do a crossword every day that that'll change your brain.
Can you imagine what the weed is doing? Josh, nothing has changed since I started smoking weed.
Yeah, Tom, that's like a bad thing.
Like things are like meant to change.
- This is not - Why are you lecturing me? Why are you doing this? Just just be cool.
All right, so you're right.
Uh, I I need you to come on a date with me and Arnold.
Why? Because his psychiatrist is concerned that if we spend time alone together that he might freak out.
Kind of like where those teacher aides would come in and help the special-needs students? Yeah.
Yeah, like that.
But maybe on the date, don't say things like that.
So you met Arnold's psychiatrist and she said that it would be a bad idea for you to spend time alone with Arnold.
Yes.
- That is her professional psychiatrist evaluation? - Yes.
Well, not of me, okay? Of Arnold.
That's her professional psychiatrist evaluation - of Arnold.
- You're a menace.
- You're a menace to Arnold.
- Okay, don't come.
Don't worry about it, I'll find someone else.
No, it's just because you're sitting here, judging my life, criticizing my life, when, according to this professional tertiary-educated psychiatrist, - you're a menace.
- Yeah.
A menace to a poor mentally ill boy.
Fine, don't come, I'll find someone else.
- I'm going to find someone else to come.
- No, I want to come.
No, I don't want you to come.
You're unlikeable.
I need to come.
Yeah! - I just don't know what I can wear.
- Just wear what you always wear.
My long pants are dirty.
Do you want to borrow my camel chinos.
- Is that what you want? - Yes, please.
I would like to borrow your camel chinos.
- You want to borrow my camel chinos? - Yes, please.
I thought you'd be more enthusiastic about coming home.
I have beef bourguignon in the oven.
I do like beef bourguignon.
Okay, that's it, we're done.
Good out of this place.
Yes.
When I feel bad about where I am in life, I like to compare myself to people who are doing worse.
Like Joseph Fritzl.
He's really bad at life.
I'm definitely not leaving.
Not leaving because of boy trouble? Oh, no, it's not that, I just I just don't think I remember how to look after myself, that's all.
Yeah, that's always hard.
I thought you didn't want to leave 'cause you might miss me too much.
Oh, I didn't Do you like hanging out with me? Yeah.
Oh, I didn't realize.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Arnold! Arnold, I didn't know you were rich.
Tom I didn't know you were coming.
Don't worry, I'm really good at romance.
Don't be sad.
You need a safe date, all right? Tom, you didn't have to get in the backseat.
Yeah, that's where Tom thinks he belongs.
We're going to have a good night.
The three of us are going to have a safe date.
Where are we going? Um, I thought we would go to this place that's like it's like Portuguese.
- Maybe like Argentinean or something? - Yeah.
And they just bring you meat.
They just like there's no menus.
They just bring you meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, chicken, beef, chicken, pork, beef, chicken, seafood maybe, you know what I mean? And then you say, "Please stop bringing me meat.
" And they stop bringing you meat.
That just sounds incredible.
Incredible, right, yeah? Arnold? I'm a vegetarian.
- Well, you two are adorable.
- Yeah.
- Oh, shit! - Jesus Christ! - Shit! - What happened? Oh, I think I hit a possum! Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God.
- Oh okay.
- That's gross.
Yeah, well, he's still alive.
He's still alive, he's still alive.
Okay.
- You okay, Arnold? - I just don't want to look at it.
Oh - He is not going to be okay.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Hey hey, buddy, hey - Oh! - Fuck! What a dick possum.
No I mean, I did hit him with a car.
- He's got a solid point.
- What happened? Yeah, he scratched me.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.
- Okay, good.
- Okay.
What are we What do we do? I think I think we have to kill it.
Put it out of its misery.
Oh no.
Can we Can we take it to the vet? Oh.
No, it's like It's like not in one piece? Okay.
How are you going to kill it? I'm not doing it! I've killed enough marsupials lately.
Rabbits are mammals.
Okay, I'm going to run it over again with my car.
You're gonna what?! I'm gonna run over it again with my car.
I'm going to put it out of its misery.
It's the humane thing to do, okay? All right just in front of it.
- Yeah? - Yeah, you're good.
Oh Oh! Josh, it's still alive, it's still alive! You just hit the tail Do it again! Oh, I'm a vegetarian and I have an anxiety Do it again, do it again! Sorry, Arnold! Kill the fucking possum! Again! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop It's okay, it's dead.
It's dead.
- That's dead.
- Dead? It's all over your wheel.
All right, just shut up and get in the car.
Let's go, all right? Okay? Sorry.
Really sorry.
I think I think I think I need you to take me home.
Yeah.
Josh, it's like seriously all over your wheel.
Just shut up, Tom! Good birds.
Nice plumage.
It's from Stuart.
Don't read it to me.
Unless it's about birds, I'm not interested.
It says, "I'll miss you.
" Well, that's sweet.
If you completely disregard Hazel and her feelings.
Let's just get out of this place, Hannah.
Why don't you come stay in my spare room? What, just leave, just like that? Yeah, why not? I'm not very fun to live with.
I'm not either.
I leave the toilet seat up.
For no reason.
Is that a yes? Sure.
- Why not? - Oh, good! Oh, sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I won't do that again.
I promise, no more sudden noises.
Yikes.
Yeah.
- That was not a safe date.
- No, I'm sorry.
- Shit date.
- Yeah.
I don't think me coming helped at all.
I'm, uh, I'm not allowed to get out of the car, am I? Definitely not, nope.
Why? Don't worry about it, Tom.
I'll be honest, I am worried about it.
I know you told me not to be, but I can't help but worry.
Tom, it just doesn't matter, okay? My parents don't know I'm gay.
Right.
I don't understand.
What do your parents think you're doing right now? I told them I was shopping with girls.
Is is that a good alibi? I'm sorry about the possum, okay? I really don't think it was my fault, okay, it sort of just ran out.
It's okay.
Okay, bye.
Are you guys not kissing 'cause I'm here? No.
'Cause I don't care.
I see Josh kiss boys all the time.
Tom, come on, please.
- I'll message you later, okay? - Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I'll just close my eyes and block my ears and you guys, seriously, do whatever you want.
Please, Tom I'm sorry.
I just I can't do kissing right now, but I promise next time, you can do whatever you want with me.
Wow.
Okay, thank you.
Um, are you going to tell Marilyn on me? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Are you guys finished? We're not doing anything, Tom.
So when are you going to tell your parents you're gay? - Oh, come on.
- I don't know, Tom.
When are you going to tell your cheeks to stop being fat? - Oh, burn.
- Good night.
He knows it.
How does he know I'm sensitive about my cheeks? Did you talk to him about my cheeks? Yeah.