Portlandia (2011) s02e09 Episode Script
No Olympics
Woman: Bye Hon! I'll be back.
You gonna be OK? I'll be fine.
Have a good one.
[Door closes.]
[Baby cries.]
[Baby cries.]
Heh! [Baby cries.]
Ah, they said that thing would fun for hours.
False advertising.
Here you go! How's that? Is that OK little guy? Huh? That's fun right? AhhHuh? Don't cry.
OK, we'll try something else, little guy.
All right.
It's OK.
It's OK.
Baby: Ah! There we go.
Ah, now you're happy! Yeah, that's a good smile.
[Baby cries.]
Ah! So, in my--you see I have But when I put them together like this and pull Oh, darn it.
Fred: Hey, Mr.
Mayor? Huh? Carrie: Do you have a minute? Yeah! Come in.
We got to talk to you.
Yeah, how you doing? Hi.
So we just wanted to talk to you about this.
Um, we really do not want the Olympics to ever be in Portland.
Oh, why? We just went to London.
And that whole place was overrun with Olympics stuff.
It's ruined.
There's just construction going up everywhere.
It's just going to be a mess.
Wow.
I love this concern for the city.
This sounds terrible, what's happening in London.
It's all jocks.
You know, how like jocks are the worst.
Imagine international jocks.
coming into Portland.
I mean a co-- whatever it's just.
It'll ruin the whole vibe of the city.
Some like Scottish woman, you know, some just some shot put lady.
[Scottish accent.]
Like, "Oh look at that.
"It's great.
Ooh look at that! Ooh! Look at their coffee! I don't believe it!" We can't have that here.
Yeah.
Absolutely not.
Let's get them on the phone! Sam! Can you get the IOCC on the phone and then just patch it into here? OK.
So we'll wait.
And, you know what they used for, like, the theme song? The Clash, "London Calling.
" Really? That is not a song that has anything to do with, like, patriotism or-- Oh, such a drag.
What was their mascot? Do you remember? Was there-- did they have a mascot? The Clash? [Phone beeps.]
He's got them on the line, OK.
Yes, hello! Hello? This is the mayor of Portland, Oregon, calling.
Never heard of it.
And we just want you to know something.
[Dial tone.]
We don't ever want to have the Olympics here in this city.
Ever.
Ever.
[Opera music playing.]
If there's a list, we don't want to be on the list.
We don't even want to be-- Woman: please hang up and try again.
anywhere near the Olympics.
Thank you.
We should take this to the people.
It's a democratic city.
People have to have a voice.
We will go as if, you know, this is Paul Revere's midnight ride.
This needs to be a grassroots campaign.
Totally! We just got to get out there, no Olympics! No, no Olympics! No Olympics! Olympi-ic-ic-ics! We will simplify that.
With foam fingers.
Listen.
And I bought-- I got these hats.
I don't know if, um, we just got these in.
Uh-huh.
And maybe you might want to wear these, out? Maybe when you're, um I'm not a hat guy.
Why don't you take this hat? No.
I like this hat.
It's just PDX.
It's in black, gold, like, the highlight of gold.
Mm-hmm.
Black.
It's good.
Oh, I've got 2,000 on order.
Great! Yeah, so [Exhales.]
No Olympics.
Yeah, we don't want our city to turn into London.
Can we get out there and do it? Yes! Go! Go! All: No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! This is great! Oh, Fred, you forgot the hat! Fred! Ah, Sam, send them a box of hats, various sizes! ["Oh, L'Amour" plays.]
Oh, l'Amour Broke my heart Now I'm aching for you Looking for you, you were looking for me Always reaching for you You were too blind to see Oh, love of my heart Why leave me alone I'm falling apart No good on my own Oh, l'Amour Broke my heart Now I'm aching for you Mon amour What's a boy in love supposed to do? [Gasps.]
[Music stops.]
Mon amour [Gasping.]
What's a boy in love supposed to do? Oh, l'Amour Broke my heart Now I'm aching for you Mon amour Commissioner, Parks Department, Mrs.
Lipsy, friends and family, we would like to welcome you all to Lipsy Park.
Uh, this park was designed to commemorate Mayor Benjamin Lipsy, one of the finest mayors our city has ever seen.
We are of course dearly sorry for your loss.
And we are going to go ahead and show you some of the features of the park.
[Inhales sharply.]
The park we designed lets his legacy live on.
Uhwe've incorporated the trees, which will be indigenous to the Oregon area.
Um, I know you'll be happy about that.
Um, you can see through the front entrance here we've got a couple of runners.
She knows him from the building, we're thinking.
But-- A couple days ago he was like, "Hey Suze, you wanna get coffee with me? "Uh, I work on the 8th floor.
I don't know if you've seen me before or not.
" And she's going, "Oh, yeah.
Um, I kind of--hmm.
Uh, anyway OK.
" But she doesn't want to go out with him.
There's no-- there's no romantic thing, "Oh, hi how are you?" and Ma'am, if you could pay attention.
[Inhales sharply.]
Here's a business meeting.
We put 2 businessmen here, 'cause we want this to be definitely for professionals, So these 2 guys are going like "Yeah, yeah, yeah! "I like the view from here.
You can see the benches.
"You can see the lights.
"Umover at the water, "it doesn't seem like it's dangerous and kids could fall in.
" It's what your husband would have wanted.
Right? That's a lot of characters in this park.
[Inhales sharply.]
And then this guy over here, he's playing with a kite.
And he's like, "You know, I'm a--I'm a grown man.
"I still play with a kite.
I must be some kind of an idiot.
" Also, what's the thrill? It's what? It's in the sky? Like only the kite's having fun.
So after literally 5 minutes of doing it, he feels like a fool.
Because, I mean on the inside he's like, "Now what?" He's like, "Hey! It's in the air!" And guess what? No one cares.
[Inhales sharply.]
And this guy, playing the bass.
Oh, wait.
Can you-- what is that he's playing? So he's kind of going like, he just kind of going like I'm playing in the park "Excuse me, sir.
I'm officer Jenkins, I was wondering if you have a permit to be playing music?" "Hey man, I'm just playing my bass, leave me alone.
" "You know what? I'm just trying to keep this park for everybody.
" And again this park is for everybody.
Everybody.
We--still, that's that part's a work in progress.
Right there.
I'm playing base in the park And the money in my hat! Man: Excuse me.
Excuse me? I don't have a-- I don't have a permit.
No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! Huh.
All right! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! Can I get a creamsicle? Mmm, OK.
OK.
Thanks.
No no Olympics, no Olympics.
No no Olympics.
Thank you! Thank you! No no Olympics! I said no Olympics! No no Olympics! I said no! I said no! I said no! I said never! Olympics! No Olympics! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! Excuse me! What are you saying? No Olympics in Portland, man! Why?! We're trying to save our city from the evil Olympic empire! That's so crazy! I mean the Olympics breathe life into the city! Whatever, buddy! I mean I should know.
I've been in a few Olympics.
My name's Greg Louganis.
What? No way.
Yeah.
I was in Montreal, Los Angeles, Seoul.
You're not Greg Louganis.
I am too Greg Louganis! I don't know.
Like I'm Greg Louganis, is like Greg Louganis! OK.
OK.
'88 I hit my head on the board, right? Yes, yes, yes.
In pre-lims, but I came back and won, see? That's the scar.
Oh, wow! Gees.
Wow! Hi! Nice to meet you! You're Greg Louganis.
Hello! You know what your-- your concept about the Olympics is, like, totally whacked.
I mean we have a lot to talk about.
Yeah.
Do you want to go somewhere and talk about it? I'd love to! That'd be great! So what are you so afraid of? I mean what scares you the most about the Olympics coming to Portland? It's just like all the traffic, and like commercialism.
Yeah, this is like, all those athletes, like, no offense, but running around with their big muscles That's such a wrong way of thinking! I mean, have you ever been to an Olympic village? No, I've been to Santa's village.
I've been to Greenwich Village.
No way near the Olympic village.
In the Olympic village you have athletes from all over the world.
I mean from countries that you've never heard of, like Tonga.
Oh really? Most people from Portland are just from Brooklyn.
This isn't like your main-stream sports like football or anything like that.
We're like, the alternative to competitive sports.
You know? We're like, like, the punkers of sports! I guess I never thought of it like that.
Yeah.
You know what's even cooler than that? Pins.
People trade pins.
Whoa.
See? Yeah, I mean they're really colorful.
Softball.
Yeah! Wow.
I mean it's way cool.
That would look cool just people around Portland like wearing little pins everywhere.
You can start a trend.
I'm a little bit changing my tune on the Olympics, I feel like we almost have to have 'em.
Yeah.
We got to tell the mayor! Thank you so much! Yeah, yeah! No problem! Thank you! It was nice meeting you! It was great meeting you! Thank you.
Happy Olympia-ing! Stop! Stop! Halt! Halt! We need to commandeer these bikes! It's an Olympic emergency.
Come on! We're gonna see something very special, a very special presentation.
This is going to be very exciting.
You're gonna love it, I promise.
Hi, kids! I'm Meriwether Lewis.
And I'm William Clark.
And we're going to explore the Western United States.
We haven't seen it before.
We had a guide back in those days.
And her name was Sacagawea.
Picture her there.
Can you see her at the front of the boat there? Can see her? Use your imagination.
Use your imagination brains.
All right? I suppose we should ask Sacagawea where we're headed.
I agree.
Sacagawea, can you help us find our way? Sacagawea, if we could just have your attention for a moment-- Which way should we go? Sacagawea! Sacagawea! Sacagawea! Sacagawea! Sacagawea! Sacagawea! Sacajawea! She's really not giving us the time of day at all.
The further we go we're getting more and more lost, Boy oh boy! We really don't know where we're going.
Lewis and Clark really wanted her attention, in those days, and some people sometimes have issue with something separate Sacagawea! I'm sure she hears us.
But, for some reason, she doesn't really want to address us.
And I'm sure it's not because of the volume of the water! Sacagawea! Please! Sacagawea? This is turning into the hardest part of our trek.
This oatmeal looks really good.
This rabbit stew, looks really good.
We don't have any spoons or anything.
I think we-- I want to eat this.
Let me see if Sacagawea knows where the spoons are.
Sacagawea! Sacagawea! Where do we keep the spoons? We need something to eat this rabbit stew with.
Remember what we didn't eat? Yeah.
So, Sacagawea, we'd like a spoon.
Now we've arrived at the seashore.
And all of the other fellow expeditioners are out in front of us.
They're spread out along the shore.
And they've helped us all along the way.
And they're very weary and tired.
So we're gonna make a speech to them to thank them for all the work they've done.
Mm-hmm.
Men! Gentlemen! Men! Guys! Hey, you're going to want to listen to this! We got a pretty good speech coming up! We hereby proclaim, that in this year--guys! Hey! In 1805-- Oh please, what--stop talking! I'll wait! Maybe Sacagawea can get their attention.
You know what? She's great with large groups.
Sacagawea, will you get their-- Sacagawea! Hey, Sacagawea, can you-- We're almost done, just-- Sacagawea! Is it--did we keep you up? Was it the talking? Just tell us what it was.
I don't know where you guys are running to! Oh my god! They're still running! We don't know that area at all! No one does.
You guys like snakes? It's going to be easy.
We got this.
We got it! Ah, here we go! Hi there! Welcome, key? Malcolm will see you in.
Enjoy the night.
Thank you.
Hey buddy, how you doing? Have a good night! How you doing? Enjoy the night.
Hi, how are you? This belongs to you.
You got it? Ah, Malcolm will see you in.
And go! Please, one at time.
You got it? Enjoy, have a good night.
Oh, great! Hi, how are you? Sir, your ticket! I got it.
Not bad.
We did it.
It's tip time! That happens at the end of the night.
Yeah.
Then we can go out later.
I can't wait! Yay! Whoa.
I was excited about that initial text where she was like we should hang out sometime.
Yeah, you got to chill out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Here we go! OK! All right.
Hi.
How was it? Great.
I'll be right back with your bike.
Thanks.
Hi, how are you? Good, I'm fine.
Here you go.
I'll be right back with your bike! So here it is, B6-- It's not my bike.
It's not? No.
Have a good night.
Mine is a red men's bike.
I'm so sorry.
I will be right back.
Here you go! Red bike! No, a different red bike.
You don't want the other one? This is somebody else's bike.
OK, so uh Who's? Yours? My bike is different.
Let me go see if I can find another one.
Right.
So are you from-- What's that accent? Are you from California? Thank you very much, sir.
Hope you enjoyed your night! Sorry.
It's a different bike.
This--this isn't my bike either, man.
Oh, is it recumbent, like this? No.
I don't ride my bike like that.
It's just a regular bike.
Can you--can you see OK? There's nothing wrong with my eyes.
Can you read faces? What's my expression? What's my expression? Gotcha.
A red bike.
That's not it either.
No, it has one seat.
Everyone, if you have a bike, make sure to tell us if it's one seat or two! Here sir, I found these.
Just see if they-- I know it seems silly but-- If I put these on, will it please you, and you'll get my-- Yes, sir.
Yeah.
We're doing our very best.
It's your bike right? It's still not my bike.
Here we go.
This isn't my bike, man.
This is You're being very choosy, I think.
Choosy? Yeah.
You seem to be choosing what you like over what's yours.
My bike is just a dark red.
It's all red.
What is this? Am I color blind? You need to just go and get my bike.
Do your job man! Well getting yelled at-- I'm sorry--you know what? Apology accepted.
Is this your bike? That's not my bike.
Here you go.
Thank you so much.
Have a great night.
All right next! Oh, that looks cute.
Where'd you get that? That's his bike! Aww.
I'll just go back there and find my bike myself.
OK, we'll go.
I'm just done with it.
I just need to find it myself.
OK.
We'll help you.
Here we are.
It's the one on top.
Oh! The red one that I saw before! Just give us about 45 minutes.
Thank you very much.
[Metal crashing.]
Go.
Free, free.
Excuse us! Woman: that the International Olympic Games will never be played on this soil.
That the International Olympic Games will never be played on this soil.
We done? Yes.
Great! Fred: Mr.
Mayor, we need the Olympics! Yeah! We've changed our minds.
But I just took an oath.
Can't you take it back? Can you do something? I don't think we can, I mean We've learned that the Olympics are, like, this arty version of sports.
Yeah.
They would be really great for the city.
It's, like, we were running all over town.
But then we got in a pool with Greg Louganis the diver.
And then we biked here to tell you.
And it's just like we're too late.
Um, you said you were running through the streets? Yeah.
We were just holding torches and telling everyone "No Olympics.
" And then you were in the pool with the great Greg Louganis? Yeah.
I mean, technically, it was a hot tub but it-- And you rode your-- your bicycles to here? Yeah! As fast as we could.
- Yeah.
- We wanted to get to you.
Well, then you are triathlon winners! That's pretty great.
Yeah.
Really? Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Very good.
Now please rise for Portland's anthem! Mayor: Ahem.
[Whirring.]
Ahh! Ahh-ahh! Portland! You're so beautiful! Oh! Oh! My city! My Portland! All the birds The crickets and the frogs They chant her name! Oh, her mountains so wide So tall! Bah bah bah bah bah La la la la la la And when we're on the street And you pull out a cigarette and say to me, "Oh, Mr.
Mayor Let's go to your place!" I say! Portland! Oh, I thought you'd never ask! And I will La la la la la la la La la la la la Sing to me! Ha ha ha! And when I see the sunlight glint upon your bridges It makes me think Of all the times that you and I have been together You are my darling girl! My beauty! My Portland! I know you best of all
You gonna be OK? I'll be fine.
Have a good one.
[Door closes.]
[Baby cries.]
[Baby cries.]
Heh! [Baby cries.]
Ah, they said that thing would fun for hours.
False advertising.
Here you go! How's that? Is that OK little guy? Huh? That's fun right? AhhHuh? Don't cry.
OK, we'll try something else, little guy.
All right.
It's OK.
It's OK.
Baby: Ah! There we go.
Ah, now you're happy! Yeah, that's a good smile.
[Baby cries.]
Ah! So, in my--you see I have But when I put them together like this and pull Oh, darn it.
Fred: Hey, Mr.
Mayor? Huh? Carrie: Do you have a minute? Yeah! Come in.
We got to talk to you.
Yeah, how you doing? Hi.
So we just wanted to talk to you about this.
Um, we really do not want the Olympics to ever be in Portland.
Oh, why? We just went to London.
And that whole place was overrun with Olympics stuff.
It's ruined.
There's just construction going up everywhere.
It's just going to be a mess.
Wow.
I love this concern for the city.
This sounds terrible, what's happening in London.
It's all jocks.
You know, how like jocks are the worst.
Imagine international jocks.
coming into Portland.
I mean a co-- whatever it's just.
It'll ruin the whole vibe of the city.
Some like Scottish woman, you know, some just some shot put lady.
[Scottish accent.]
Like, "Oh look at that.
"It's great.
Ooh look at that! Ooh! Look at their coffee! I don't believe it!" We can't have that here.
Yeah.
Absolutely not.
Let's get them on the phone! Sam! Can you get the IOCC on the phone and then just patch it into here? OK.
So we'll wait.
And, you know what they used for, like, the theme song? The Clash, "London Calling.
" Really? That is not a song that has anything to do with, like, patriotism or-- Oh, such a drag.
What was their mascot? Do you remember? Was there-- did they have a mascot? The Clash? [Phone beeps.]
He's got them on the line, OK.
Yes, hello! Hello? This is the mayor of Portland, Oregon, calling.
Never heard of it.
And we just want you to know something.
[Dial tone.]
We don't ever want to have the Olympics here in this city.
Ever.
Ever.
[Opera music playing.]
If there's a list, we don't want to be on the list.
We don't even want to be-- Woman: please hang up and try again.
anywhere near the Olympics.
Thank you.
We should take this to the people.
It's a democratic city.
People have to have a voice.
We will go as if, you know, this is Paul Revere's midnight ride.
This needs to be a grassroots campaign.
Totally! We just got to get out there, no Olympics! No, no Olympics! No Olympics! Olympi-ic-ic-ics! We will simplify that.
With foam fingers.
Listen.
And I bought-- I got these hats.
I don't know if, um, we just got these in.
Uh-huh.
And maybe you might want to wear these, out? Maybe when you're, um I'm not a hat guy.
Why don't you take this hat? No.
I like this hat.
It's just PDX.
It's in black, gold, like, the highlight of gold.
Mm-hmm.
Black.
It's good.
Oh, I've got 2,000 on order.
Great! Yeah, so [Exhales.]
No Olympics.
Yeah, we don't want our city to turn into London.
Can we get out there and do it? Yes! Go! Go! All: No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! This is great! Oh, Fred, you forgot the hat! Fred! Ah, Sam, send them a box of hats, various sizes! ["Oh, L'Amour" plays.]
Oh, l'Amour Broke my heart Now I'm aching for you Looking for you, you were looking for me Always reaching for you You were too blind to see Oh, love of my heart Why leave me alone I'm falling apart No good on my own Oh, l'Amour Broke my heart Now I'm aching for you Mon amour What's a boy in love supposed to do? [Gasps.]
[Music stops.]
Mon amour [Gasping.]
What's a boy in love supposed to do? Oh, l'Amour Broke my heart Now I'm aching for you Mon amour Commissioner, Parks Department, Mrs.
Lipsy, friends and family, we would like to welcome you all to Lipsy Park.
Uh, this park was designed to commemorate Mayor Benjamin Lipsy, one of the finest mayors our city has ever seen.
We are of course dearly sorry for your loss.
And we are going to go ahead and show you some of the features of the park.
[Inhales sharply.]
The park we designed lets his legacy live on.
Uhwe've incorporated the trees, which will be indigenous to the Oregon area.
Um, I know you'll be happy about that.
Um, you can see through the front entrance here we've got a couple of runners.
She knows him from the building, we're thinking.
But-- A couple days ago he was like, "Hey Suze, you wanna get coffee with me? "Uh, I work on the 8th floor.
I don't know if you've seen me before or not.
" And she's going, "Oh, yeah.
Um, I kind of--hmm.
Uh, anyway OK.
" But she doesn't want to go out with him.
There's no-- there's no romantic thing, "Oh, hi how are you?" and Ma'am, if you could pay attention.
[Inhales sharply.]
Here's a business meeting.
We put 2 businessmen here, 'cause we want this to be definitely for professionals, So these 2 guys are going like "Yeah, yeah, yeah! "I like the view from here.
You can see the benches.
"You can see the lights.
"Umover at the water, "it doesn't seem like it's dangerous and kids could fall in.
" It's what your husband would have wanted.
Right? That's a lot of characters in this park.
[Inhales sharply.]
And then this guy over here, he's playing with a kite.
And he's like, "You know, I'm a--I'm a grown man.
"I still play with a kite.
I must be some kind of an idiot.
" Also, what's the thrill? It's what? It's in the sky? Like only the kite's having fun.
So after literally 5 minutes of doing it, he feels like a fool.
Because, I mean on the inside he's like, "Now what?" He's like, "Hey! It's in the air!" And guess what? No one cares.
[Inhales sharply.]
And this guy, playing the bass.
Oh, wait.
Can you-- what is that he's playing? So he's kind of going like, he just kind of going like I'm playing in the park "Excuse me, sir.
I'm officer Jenkins, I was wondering if you have a permit to be playing music?" "Hey man, I'm just playing my bass, leave me alone.
" "You know what? I'm just trying to keep this park for everybody.
" And again this park is for everybody.
Everybody.
We--still, that's that part's a work in progress.
Right there.
I'm playing base in the park And the money in my hat! Man: Excuse me.
Excuse me? I don't have a-- I don't have a permit.
No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! Huh.
All right! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! Can I get a creamsicle? Mmm, OK.
OK.
Thanks.
No no Olympics, no Olympics.
No no Olympics.
Thank you! Thank you! No no Olympics! I said no Olympics! No no Olympics! I said no! I said no! I said no! I said never! Olympics! No Olympics! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! No Olympics in Portland! Excuse me! What are you saying? No Olympics in Portland, man! Why?! We're trying to save our city from the evil Olympic empire! That's so crazy! I mean the Olympics breathe life into the city! Whatever, buddy! I mean I should know.
I've been in a few Olympics.
My name's Greg Louganis.
What? No way.
Yeah.
I was in Montreal, Los Angeles, Seoul.
You're not Greg Louganis.
I am too Greg Louganis! I don't know.
Like I'm Greg Louganis, is like Greg Louganis! OK.
OK.
'88 I hit my head on the board, right? Yes, yes, yes.
In pre-lims, but I came back and won, see? That's the scar.
Oh, wow! Gees.
Wow! Hi! Nice to meet you! You're Greg Louganis.
Hello! You know what your-- your concept about the Olympics is, like, totally whacked.
I mean we have a lot to talk about.
Yeah.
Do you want to go somewhere and talk about it? I'd love to! That'd be great! So what are you so afraid of? I mean what scares you the most about the Olympics coming to Portland? It's just like all the traffic, and like commercialism.
Yeah, this is like, all those athletes, like, no offense, but running around with their big muscles That's such a wrong way of thinking! I mean, have you ever been to an Olympic village? No, I've been to Santa's village.
I've been to Greenwich Village.
No way near the Olympic village.
In the Olympic village you have athletes from all over the world.
I mean from countries that you've never heard of, like Tonga.
Oh really? Most people from Portland are just from Brooklyn.
This isn't like your main-stream sports like football or anything like that.
We're like, the alternative to competitive sports.
You know? We're like, like, the punkers of sports! I guess I never thought of it like that.
Yeah.
You know what's even cooler than that? Pins.
People trade pins.
Whoa.
See? Yeah, I mean they're really colorful.
Softball.
Yeah! Wow.
I mean it's way cool.
That would look cool just people around Portland like wearing little pins everywhere.
You can start a trend.
I'm a little bit changing my tune on the Olympics, I feel like we almost have to have 'em.
Yeah.
We got to tell the mayor! Thank you so much! Yeah, yeah! No problem! Thank you! It was nice meeting you! It was great meeting you! Thank you.
Happy Olympia-ing! Stop! Stop! Halt! Halt! We need to commandeer these bikes! It's an Olympic emergency.
Come on! We're gonna see something very special, a very special presentation.
This is going to be very exciting.
You're gonna love it, I promise.
Hi, kids! I'm Meriwether Lewis.
And I'm William Clark.
And we're going to explore the Western United States.
We haven't seen it before.
We had a guide back in those days.
And her name was Sacagawea.
Picture her there.
Can you see her at the front of the boat there? Can see her? Use your imagination.
Use your imagination brains.
All right? I suppose we should ask Sacagawea where we're headed.
I agree.
Sacagawea, can you help us find our way? Sacagawea, if we could just have your attention for a moment-- Which way should we go? Sacagawea! Sacagawea! Sacagawea! Sacagawea! Sacagawea! Sacagawea! Sacajawea! She's really not giving us the time of day at all.
The further we go we're getting more and more lost, Boy oh boy! We really don't know where we're going.
Lewis and Clark really wanted her attention, in those days, and some people sometimes have issue with something separate Sacagawea! I'm sure she hears us.
But, for some reason, she doesn't really want to address us.
And I'm sure it's not because of the volume of the water! Sacagawea! Please! Sacagawea? This is turning into the hardest part of our trek.
This oatmeal looks really good.
This rabbit stew, looks really good.
We don't have any spoons or anything.
I think we-- I want to eat this.
Let me see if Sacagawea knows where the spoons are.
Sacagawea! Sacagawea! Where do we keep the spoons? We need something to eat this rabbit stew with.
Remember what we didn't eat? Yeah.
So, Sacagawea, we'd like a spoon.
Now we've arrived at the seashore.
And all of the other fellow expeditioners are out in front of us.
They're spread out along the shore.
And they've helped us all along the way.
And they're very weary and tired.
So we're gonna make a speech to them to thank them for all the work they've done.
Mm-hmm.
Men! Gentlemen! Men! Guys! Hey, you're going to want to listen to this! We got a pretty good speech coming up! We hereby proclaim, that in this year--guys! Hey! In 1805-- Oh please, what--stop talking! I'll wait! Maybe Sacagawea can get their attention.
You know what? She's great with large groups.
Sacagawea, will you get their-- Sacagawea! Hey, Sacagawea, can you-- We're almost done, just-- Sacagawea! Is it--did we keep you up? Was it the talking? Just tell us what it was.
I don't know where you guys are running to! Oh my god! They're still running! We don't know that area at all! No one does.
You guys like snakes? It's going to be easy.
We got this.
We got it! Ah, here we go! Hi there! Welcome, key? Malcolm will see you in.
Enjoy the night.
Thank you.
Hey buddy, how you doing? Have a good night! How you doing? Enjoy the night.
Hi, how are you? This belongs to you.
You got it? Ah, Malcolm will see you in.
And go! Please, one at time.
You got it? Enjoy, have a good night.
Oh, great! Hi, how are you? Sir, your ticket! I got it.
Not bad.
We did it.
It's tip time! That happens at the end of the night.
Yeah.
Then we can go out later.
I can't wait! Yay! Whoa.
I was excited about that initial text where she was like we should hang out sometime.
Yeah, you got to chill out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Here we go! OK! All right.
Hi.
How was it? Great.
I'll be right back with your bike.
Thanks.
Hi, how are you? Good, I'm fine.
Here you go.
I'll be right back with your bike! So here it is, B6-- It's not my bike.
It's not? No.
Have a good night.
Mine is a red men's bike.
I'm so sorry.
I will be right back.
Here you go! Red bike! No, a different red bike.
You don't want the other one? This is somebody else's bike.
OK, so uh Who's? Yours? My bike is different.
Let me go see if I can find another one.
Right.
So are you from-- What's that accent? Are you from California? Thank you very much, sir.
Hope you enjoyed your night! Sorry.
It's a different bike.
This--this isn't my bike either, man.
Oh, is it recumbent, like this? No.
I don't ride my bike like that.
It's just a regular bike.
Can you--can you see OK? There's nothing wrong with my eyes.
Can you read faces? What's my expression? What's my expression? Gotcha.
A red bike.
That's not it either.
No, it has one seat.
Everyone, if you have a bike, make sure to tell us if it's one seat or two! Here sir, I found these.
Just see if they-- I know it seems silly but-- If I put these on, will it please you, and you'll get my-- Yes, sir.
Yeah.
We're doing our very best.
It's your bike right? It's still not my bike.
Here we go.
This isn't my bike, man.
This is You're being very choosy, I think.
Choosy? Yeah.
You seem to be choosing what you like over what's yours.
My bike is just a dark red.
It's all red.
What is this? Am I color blind? You need to just go and get my bike.
Do your job man! Well getting yelled at-- I'm sorry--you know what? Apology accepted.
Is this your bike? That's not my bike.
Here you go.
Thank you so much.
Have a great night.
All right next! Oh, that looks cute.
Where'd you get that? That's his bike! Aww.
I'll just go back there and find my bike myself.
OK, we'll go.
I'm just done with it.
I just need to find it myself.
OK.
We'll help you.
Here we are.
It's the one on top.
Oh! The red one that I saw before! Just give us about 45 minutes.
Thank you very much.
[Metal crashing.]
Go.
Free, free.
Excuse us! Woman: that the International Olympic Games will never be played on this soil.
That the International Olympic Games will never be played on this soil.
We done? Yes.
Great! Fred: Mr.
Mayor, we need the Olympics! Yeah! We've changed our minds.
But I just took an oath.
Can't you take it back? Can you do something? I don't think we can, I mean We've learned that the Olympics are, like, this arty version of sports.
Yeah.
They would be really great for the city.
It's, like, we were running all over town.
But then we got in a pool with Greg Louganis the diver.
And then we biked here to tell you.
And it's just like we're too late.
Um, you said you were running through the streets? Yeah.
We were just holding torches and telling everyone "No Olympics.
" And then you were in the pool with the great Greg Louganis? Yeah.
I mean, technically, it was a hot tub but it-- And you rode your-- your bicycles to here? Yeah! As fast as we could.
- Yeah.
- We wanted to get to you.
Well, then you are triathlon winners! That's pretty great.
Yeah.
Really? Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Very good.
Now please rise for Portland's anthem! Mayor: Ahem.
[Whirring.]
Ahh! Ahh-ahh! Portland! You're so beautiful! Oh! Oh! My city! My Portland! All the birds The crickets and the frogs They chant her name! Oh, her mountains so wide So tall! Bah bah bah bah bah La la la la la la And when we're on the street And you pull out a cigarette and say to me, "Oh, Mr.
Mayor Let's go to your place!" I say! Portland! Oh, I thought you'd never ask! And I will La la la la la la la La la la la la Sing to me! Ha ha ha! And when I see the sunlight glint upon your bridges It makes me think Of all the times that you and I have been together You are my darling girl! My beauty! My Portland! I know you best of all