Raising Hope s02e09 Episode Script

There's a lot of things you do when you have a daughter that you never pictured yourself doing.
This is so much cuter now that I took in the waist.
Little by little, you start to change.
Okay, Hope, who do you think wore it better? Jessica Biel or Lea Michele? (scoffs) You're crazy.
And before you know it, you're just not the same guy you used to be.
You know, girls, I think I like making them almost as much as eating them.
Am I right? And the weird part is, you don't even realize you've changed until someone finally calls you out on it.
Stop being a girl.
Here we go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I'm not saying to stop being a great dad.
Just butch it up a little.
You don't want other guys seeing you do this stuff.
You don't want girls seeing you do it.
You think Sabrina wants to be with a guy who cries at cell phone commercials? It's just that one.
The guy finds a teddy bear his daughter put in his suitcase, and he calls her all the way from China.
Oh, you're a mess, dude.
Women like sensitive guys.
(scoffs) Where'd you hear that? Mom.
Please.
Women think they like sensitive men.
But they also want someone with a little bit of danger.
I'm not saying you got to be a ten on the macho scale.
I mean, your patchy beard growth rules that out.
But you used to be a seven.
Ever since the baby came along, you've been moving down to about a five.
That's just above Rosie O'Donnell.
You think that's what Sabrina's looking for? I don't know.
- What number are you? - I'm an eight.
It's the perfect number for a man.
I have a little bit of sensitivity because I play guitar, and my love of daiquiris.
That, and you have a rating system for men.
Exactly.
But your mom fell in love with me because I also have my dangerous side.
I smuggle fireworks across the border.
I give cops a lot of lip.
I dry-humped the school mascot at homecoming.
Your mother claims she hated that kind of stuff, but hey, she let me knock her up.
JIMMY: Well, I'm not going to become a smuggler, or talk back to cops or hump mascots.
BURT: Well, you got to find your own thing, then-- something dangerous that she'll want to hear about.
You got to get your edge back, man.
I haven't lost my edge.
It was a windy day outside the black church, so I got a couple of good ones.
I'll go make your virgin mint juleps.
Our pretty little ponies are running in the Pretty Little Kentucky Derby later.
Maybe I've lost a bit of my edge.
(tray clangs) What are you doing up there? Just having my lunch break where it's dangerous.
Guess I'm kind of a daredevil.
I guess so.
Well, I like living on the edge.
And, apparently, I'm not the first person to have lunch up here.
There's raisins on this beam.
It's not a raisin.
James, James, James! Do we all need to watch the company's work safety video again? I would like to cordially invite you both to my uncle's party tonight.
BARNEY: Oh, uh, I can't.
Uh, I'm, uh, waxing my floors, my, uh, car, my skis, my legs.
(stammering): I have a lot of wax I need to get rid of.
What about you, Sabrina? Oh, I can't.
I have really bad diarrhea.
Well, that's a shame 'cause we're going to get some beer and blow stuff up in the park.
SABRINA: You're so lucky he didn't look up.
You didn't even have to make up an excuse.
And now I have to go wax my legs 'cause you can bet Frank will be checking my calves tomorrow.
SABRINA: I don't understand why anybody would would want to go Frank's party.
I mean, it just sounds dangerous.
Dangerous, huh? Hey, Frank, what time is that party? I'm in.
I don't like the idea of you blowing stuff up with Frank.
He's creepy.
You know, he gets this from you.
This is like one of those idiot things you did in high school.
You know what's one of the idiot things she did in high school? Me.
'Cause I'm dangerous.
Go get 'em, danger boy! Jimmy! You ready to blow something up? Uh, I think I'm just going to watch things first.
All right, watch the master.
So this is blowing things up? Do you blow them up until they explode? No, dude.
Just till you get dizzy.
FRANK: Morning.
You want eggs or toast for breakfast? But keep in mind, if you say eggs, you're going to be disappointed.
What's going on? Where am I? My place.
You passed out.
I know I said I'd carry you home, but dizzy Frank isn't good about keeping his promises.
Hey, that looks like my house.
You even have the six Frisbees we lost on the roof.
Yeah.
I used satellite images and built a model of the whole town.
I'm not as weird as you thought I was, am I? I can't believe you made a tiny Natesville.
Well, it's not technically Natesville.
It's New Natesville.
It's exactly like Natesville, except way cooler.
Is that you? Yeah.
I was just having a beer.
I was exhausted after helping my parents move back into town.
I thought your parents moved to Florida.
No, not in New Natesville.
They missed me so much, they moved back.
Here, check it out.
This is them driving up in their moving van.
They sped, they were so eager to see me.
I did most of the moving.
Mom likes how strong I am.
And then we celebrated with sparkling cider 'cause, in New Natesville, my dad's not an alcoholic.
It's really artistic.
Thanks.
I got the idea from this really cool documentary called Marwencol.
I based a lot of my life on movies.
My hair? Lou Diamond Phillips, Young Guns II.
Everything looks so accurate.
Everything except Eagle Mountain.
Originally, I used cocoa powder, but I kept destroying it every time I craved chocolate milk, and so, I gotta switch to dirt.
Whoa.
Cool.
Howdy's.
(laughing excitedly) What's with all the balloons? New Natesville has a bit of an alien problem.
Last week, he tried to attack the store.
He didn't count on Frank the deli ninja.
(chuckles) Barney threw me a party and named me employee of the year.
And at the awards ceremony, I got to meet the Dukes of Hazzard.
The alien's into Marilyn Manson? Well, he's sort of loosely based on this kid I used to know.
Back in junior high, I wasn't the cool, confident Frank you know.
Mostly 'cause of Tommy Bitzleberger.
Hey, Frank.
Put your hair the way I like it.
Good.
Now I'm going to do the "Frank the Skank" rap.
I need a beat.
Bang your head against the window for me, skank.
(clears throat) Ow, ow Frank the Skank smells really rank His father drank, his sister stank His fat mama's got a butt The size of a tank.
She can't exercise because of fibromyalgia.
Hey, stay on the beat! Ow, ow I don't believe this.
I know.
You'd think a Marilyn Manson fan would have more class.
No, I mean that it was Bitzleberger.
He bullied me, too.
The shirt's fine.
You look like a Backyard Boy.
It's a girl's shirt.
You have poor parents and narrow shoulders.
My hand-me-downs are all that fit you.
Burt, quit messing with their grass.
This is impressive fescue.
Leave it alone.
Relax.
Nobody's going to know it's a girl's shirt.
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow Hey.
That's a girl's shirt.
Um, no, it's not.
It's It's a girl's shirt.
The buttons are on the other side.
All that's missing are some boobs.
Make some boobs.
I-I really don't want to Make some boobs.
(sighs) (laughing): Check it out.
This kid's got boobs.
Stop it.
Oh, is that what you want? You want me to stop? Yes! Dad, can you make Tommy Bitzleberger stop picking on me? Can't fight your battles for you, son.
Come on, Burt.
He tore what used to be my favorite blouse.
Jimmy, just hit him once.
Trust me.
And he'll stop beating me up? Oh, no, he'll still beat you up.
But he'll move on to weaker prey.
It's the law of the jungle.
(laughing) What are you laughing at? "Law of the jungle.
" I just keep seeing a monkey judge with a banana gavel.
(laughs) That's great.
Why doesn't somebody put that on TV? Whoo! I never stood up to him, but luckily, he got sick of picking on me and eventually left me alone.
I was not so lucky.
He tortured me every day in high school.
And once every six months after high school.
We used to have the same dentist.
Oh.
Do you think we can take some pictures of my doll beating up Bitzleberger's doll? Dude, he's your doll.
I think it's kind of weird you're asking my permission.
You don't want to show that kind of weakness in front of the alien.
Hey.
Be careful.
She had a big breakfast.
I can tell.
I'm kicking myself for not doing this with Jimmy when he was a baby.
The bigger she gets, the stronger I'll be.
The bigger she gets, the weirder it'll be.
(knocking at door) Hey.
Guys, is Jimmy here? No.
Nobody knows where he is, 'cause he's a very dangerous, very edgy guy.
Come on in, hon.
I'm actually kind of worried about him.
Yeah, me, too.
He was supposed to come over for breakfast.
He was gonna tell me about Frank's party.
I'm very curious to know if Frank's uncle is just Frank wearing a mustache.
You don't think this Frank guy could've done something crazy to him, do you? I'm surprised every day when Frank doesn't do something crazy to all of us.
Look, if you guys are worried about him, I'm happy to go get him.
But he's a very tough, sexy, very virile young guy.
Oh, Jimmy, you were so brave to fight that alien.
Let me tenderly tend your wounds and occasionally make out with you.
Hey, Frank.
You seen Jimmy? No.
I haven't seen Jimmy.
Jimmy who? Jimmy, my son.
He went out with you last night.
Nope.
What's with the tarp and the shallow grave you're digging there? I may be putting in a pool.
Or digging to China.
What business is it of yours? I think you're the one who's shallow.
Cards on the table, Frank.
Did you kill my boy? No! You can't go in there! What about your boyfriend? Oh, the aliens turned him into foam and made a mattress out of him.
Let's lie down on him and start kissing.
Whoa oh! Playing with dolls? I send you out to become more of a man and you're playing with dolls? Please tell me you're high on drugs.
No.
You can kill him now.
JIMMY: And then Frank jumped on the alien's back and totally saved the whole store.
Cool, right? Okay, Jimmy, playing dolls with your daughter is sensitive, but playing dolls with Frank is freakin' weird.
Uh, yeah.
Especially because there's a doll that looks just like me that has ridiculously huge boobs.
Yeah, apparently Frank's doll bought those for you.
Not comforting.
You guys just don't understand what Frank and I do because you weren't picked on by Tommy Bitzleberger.
The bully from the bus when you were 12? I knew it.
I knew if you didn't stand up to him, it would haunt you forever.
He needed to make it stop on his own.
That's why I told you not to get involved.
Burt, not in front of the boy.
Get involved? I thought he was just sick of me.
Or maybe when I started bringing that light saber to school, it sort of scared him off.
Yeah, I bet it was that light stick thing.
You were very nimble with that.
Who wants pie? Virginia, just tell him.
Kid's playing with dolls.
What's there left to save? VIRGINIA: Fine.
After a few months, it was clear that you weren't going to take care of things yourself.
Your father wasn't any help.
And I was running out of blouses that fit you.
So, I took care of things myself.
Listen to me, you little foot wart.
You like to make fun of kids who wear girls' shirts? For your information, it's the newest thing.
It's called "metero-sexual.
" But you wouldn't know that since you don't read Parade magazine.
Maybe you should wear some lipstick, since you think boys who look like girls are so hilarious.
Huh? Go! And walk like you're wearing high heels! And he never bothered you again.
Why didn't you just tell me? I figured, what's the harm? I really didn't see this creepy playing with dolls thing coming.
Well, there's only one thing to do.
You got to fight this guy.
What? That's crazy.
No, your father's right.
You need to finally stand up for yourself.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! But he was huge.
What if he kept growing? I grew two feet since then.
He was already six-foot-three.
He'd be eight-foot-three.
There's two of you now.
You and Frank can take this guy.
Together, the two of you are, like, 12-foot-16.
Jimmy, you have to do this.
You have to vanquish your beast.
Like Beowulf.
Moby Dick.
Revenge of the Nerds? Oh.
It'll be dangerous, but you can be dangerous, son.
Right? Yeah, I can be dangerous.
Okay, all right, yeah.
I'll do it.
This is awesome.
And don't forget, you got Frank the deli ninja.
I mean, you've seen how good he is with sausage nunchuks.
You're ready.
Let's do this.
("Thunderstruck" by AC/DC playing) (engine starts) Thunder Thunder Thunder (tires screech) Thunder Thunder I was caught in the middle of a railroad track Thunder I looked round, and I knew there was no turning back Tore me apart You've been thunderstruck Rode down the highway, broke the limit We hit the town Went through to Texas, yeah, Texas And we had some fun We met some girls Some dancers who gave a good time Broke all the rules, played all the fools Yeah, yeah, they, they They blew our minds And I was shaking at the knees Could I come again please Yeah, the ladies were too kind You've been Uh, oh.
Uh, we're looking for Tommy Bitzleberger.
Is is he home? Well, yes, sort of.
I'm Tommy Bitzleberger.
Although it's Tammy Bitzleberger now.
And after a lot of reflection, I realized the reason I was beating you guys up was because something was missing from my life: a vagina.
Now I sort of have one.
I tried to be the tough guy, but inside was a pretty little girl afraid to come out.
I was never happy as Tommy.
I guess that's why I was so angry all the time.
I'm really sorry, guys.
That's okay.
Here we've been blaming you for what happened, but I guess those years were hard on all of us.
I think we got what we came for.
Thanks for the lemon Thunderstruck What are you doing?! Your dad was right.
That felt awesome.
I never felt so You think you can come onto my porch and drink my lemonade?! I didn't drink any lemonade! Jimmy, help! Leave him alone! Stop it! You want me to stop? Huh? Is that what you want? Huh? You want me to stop? Is that what you want? Huh? Stop it! Thunderstruck Thunderstruck Yeah, yeah, yeah, thunderstruck Aerial assault! Thunderstruck Hey (screams) You've been thunderstruck! Uncle! Uncle! Say aunt! Say aunt! - Aunt! Aunt! - Aunt! Aunt! VIRGINIA: I knew I should've gone with you.
I never would've let that fella hurt my baby.
He was unstoppable, Mom.
He was a large, large unstoppable man.
Very manly.
Penis and everything.
He used it as a weapon.
I don't remember that part.
In fact, I don't think that happened.
Pretty sure of it.
But he was a big man.
You're gonna need ice on this.
Why didn't you guys just run as soon as he opened the door? I mean, six-ten, 290 pounds and he had a dart gun? He shot me full of tranquilizer darts.
That explains any inconsistencies in my story.
Congratulations, Jimmy.
You did it.
You start doing the Hope workout with me, you'll be able to kick anybody's ass.
Although she's heavy.
There's a preemie at day care you might want to start off with.
Thanks, Dad, but I didn't get revenge on my bully.
Sabrina's got to think I'm an idiot.
It doesn't matter if you got your ass kicked.
You fought.
You got the monkey off your back.
And I wouldn't worry about Sabrina.
Everybody knows girls love black eyes.
True.
But how does that help us, Dad? We're white guys.
No, I said black eyes.
- Ah.
- Oh.
Well, I've got one of those.
Looks pretty cool, actually.
Can you close the other eye and give me a little Rocky? Adrian! (both laugh) JIMMY: Dad was right.
It was a great day.
I impressed my girl just like I imagined.
I stood up to my bully.
And the most surprising thing, I made a new friend.
Even though we didn't need to play out our revenge fantasy anymore, that didn't mean we couldn't hang out now and then and have some fun.