Reno 911! (2003) s02e09 Episode Script

This is it.
This is where she said.
Garcia ! Rise and shine ! It's open.
It's open ? Rise and shine, drunkie.
Oh, man.
Oh, look at him.
Man ! Aww Oh, boy.
I can smell the booze off you.
How'd you get here ? You're in a hotel, man, how did you even get here ? Come on, you're two hours late for work.
Let's go.
Two hours late for work, let's go.
Fight crime.
Holy-- ! Oh, shit ! Oh, goddamn ! Jesus, lord ! Jesus lord ! Oh, shit, fuck me ! Fuck me ! What do you got ? She's dead.
She's dead.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shower-curtain cleanser, right now ! Get rid of her prints, get rid of her shit ! Junior, get rid of her shit, get rid of the prints.
Jimmy, what did you do ? Where did you go after we left you ? I don't know ! I went with junior, I went with junior.
I want to help you, I want to help you.
The d.
A.
Is gonna ask questions.
What did you do, man ? I didn't do this ! We need to get our story straight.
The news is gonna be here ! You have to remember, you have to remember ! You have to remember ! Check the lot, run for cars.
A lady's car, maybe a lady's kind of car.
Shit-- oh, god.
Is she wrapped up ? Yeah, she's good.
Shit, we got a witness, somebody saw the whole thing.
( all ) happy birthday ! Happy birthday ! Hey ! Whoo ! Happy birthday, man.
Come on, man.
Come on, don't be a baby.
If you're gonna be weird about this, We're gonna skip your birthday this year.
Whoo ! Come here ! ( tires screeching ) Oh Ah ! Whoa ! ( growling ) ( sirens blaring ) ( sirens blaring ) ( dangle ) move, move, move ! Lock and load, people ! Double time ! Double time ! The lieutenant governor's brother has gone missing.
They just found his vehicle out in the desert.
It's a saab, right ? Saab.
The shit's really coming down from way up top, We can't screw this one up.
Let's go, people, move, move, move ! Did you run the tags on the car ? Yeah.
What do we got ? Ray mendoza.
Ray mendoza-- checks out.
Trudy, talk to me.
We got a lady's shoe, size 10.
We're holding it for prints.
Tag it and bag it.
Give me prints on the front doors And the back doors and the trunk ! Got it.
F.
B.
I.
Profiler inbound.
E.
T.
A.
Three minutes.
Okay, somebody must have pulled some strings.
Look alive, people ! Lieutenant james dangle, reno sheriff's department.
Steve hardcastle, f.
B.
I.
These vehicles yours ? Yeah, these are all ours.
All of them ? Yeah, every one.
Let me check that out.
So they're all nevada plates ? Yes, sir.
We're in nevada, then.
Yes, we're in nevada, sir.
All right.
What have we here ? Was this used to bound the victim, or What's our thoughts ? That's ours, we brought that.
Hello.
Oh, that's evidence ! Those are-- these were-- That's been on the ground.
We found those snacks as evidence over there.
These are ? Yeah.
Hey, we got a car up there.
That's, uh, ray mendoza's vehicle, sir.
Get your f.
D.
Down here.
Get this hosed off.
I want to see what's going on underneath here.
We got mother nature hiding some good clues from us right now.
Mother nature doesn't beat this fellow.
Can we get the fire department ? Uh, we need a Or just people from the car wash, right ? Does it have to be the fire department ? Let's get the fire department.
Uh, get me the fire department.
Give the kids a thrill, Tell them to get those sirens going.
So we're thinking our, uh, perp May have been a woman, eh ? I'm sorry to interrupt, but we know who it is.
Yeah, we know who's missing.
Ray mendoza is missing.
That would be great to know As soon as I get off the helicopter, fellas.
Let's get some lunch, huh ? Follow the shadow of the chopper-- Follow the shadow of the chopper, And we'll meet someplace for lunch.
Let's get some photographs of it, measurements He's coming back, hold the numbers down ! Hold the numbers down ! No ! No ! Shit ! Aw, damn it ! My first impression of him, of agent hardcastle, was, "who does this guy think he is ?" And usually when I have that impression, It means I'm gonna learn something.
I'm gonna learn a lot.
And he has a lot to teach.
Yeah.
When someone comes in and does everything back-ass-wards From what you think it means, This is someone who's in touch with the criminal mind.
Yeah, agent hardcastle is, uh The consummation-- Is that the word I'm looking for ? Of a law-enforcement professional.
Are you thinking of a cold soup ? 'cause that's "consommé".
That's not what I mean, then.
Today we are visiting our dream come true foundation kid.
Gonna take him out of captivity And show him to the wild, fun side of reno Through the reno sheriff's department.
Spend some time with him.
I'm looking forward to it.
There he is.
Hey, there he is, good morning.
Good morning, gentlemen.
How are you ? This is chris.
Chris, you made a wish, and it came true.
Here's officer garcia and officer jones.
Nice to meet you, chris, I'm james garcia.
Hey, how you doing there, buddy ? You'll be spending the day with them.
Look at that, salt and pepper.
Nice to see you guys.
Talkin' about my hair, I guess.
I was talking about your skin color.
Oh, that's a good joke, chris.
That's a funny joke.
Yeah, you're still Yeah, I'm all there on top.
My body's wasting away, but I'm up here on top.
I'm dying.
So, we're gonna put you in the back here.
I wanna sit in the front, I'm dying.
Can I please sit in the front 'cause I'm dying ? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
You're gonna ride shotgun.
You can hold my stick, you wanna hold my stick ? Yeah.
Okay, there you go.
Uh, chris I like your pajamas there, Where'd you get those, j.
C.
's, or-- The hospital gives them to you when you don't have any money.
I got the tank.
( grunts ) you're a big boy.
There you are, you're a big boy.
( grunting & coughing ) There you go.
( screaming ) Oh Oh ! What'd you do, man ? ( gurgling ) I don't know ! Hey, hey Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just stop.
Stop, stop God.
You fucking guys.
I'm sorry-- we're sorry.
God.
Buenos dias, sir.
Buenos dias.
How you doing today ? Ay, muy bien.
All, right I'm gonna need to have you Step out of the vehicle, please, sir.
No puedo abrir la puerta por la cuerda.
Yeah, right.
Here, let me-- while I'm doing this, Why don't you get your license and green card out for me ? Ay, jefe-- Pinche guero.
You know, we're in the heat of this, uh ( gunshots in background ) This ray, um Ray, uh Ray Ray, ray Mendoza.
I'll tell you right now, I don't know anything.
Nothing.
No idea.
But that Is good.
'cause that's the place I start from.
When I know nothing, the possibilities are limitless.
The hospital where I live is fun Because they have recreation rooms Where they have ping-pong and pinball and video games.
Oh, that's nice.
But the door locks from the inside, And so what you can do is, if you're with one of those-- If you're with another patient, like a girl or something, Sometimes you lock the door-- Play doctor ? ( chuckles ) No, you bend them over and you fuck them Because a lot of times Yeah, okay.
They're just in a sort of semi-conscious state, Shh, shh And they won't remember.
You having fun now ? Chris ? You having-- you having-- Chris ? You okay ? Shit-- chris ? Hey.
Holy shit.
Um Don't-- Hey, um I'm okay.
( laughs ) Because that's just a trick I play sometimes.
I pretend that Hey, you're a regular jay leno, huh ? I fake that something hurt me, And then the nurses come over.
That beautiful black nurse comes with her big, black titties Right over my face to check if I'm breathing, And then I just ( licking noises ) Okay Okay, all right.
All right, chris.
Shh, calm down.
Can I see your gun ? Well I'm dying.
I'm dying.
Okay.
Now, this is not for playing, chris.
I know, it's not a toy.
( gunshots ) Whoa ! Come on ! Chris ! My god.
Do I think that we'll get fired if we don't find ray mendoza ? Us two specifically ? Uh Yeah, probably.
The lieutenant governor throws a lot of weight around.
He used to pay pro ball.
He's got a couple of-- a couple of bowl rings.
And that, in this state, is about like having a-- It's like having a letter from the pope.
And a rocket launcher.
Yeah.
What time did agent hardcastle say he'd be here ? Here he comes.
( beeping ) Good afternoon.
Oh, you nasty bitch.
Good afternoon, agent hardcastle.
So, what do we got going-- bitch ! We've got the hard evidence out.
We've got the, uh-- You guys are here early, huh ? You're 55 minutes late, sir.
Ah, 1300-- We got d.
N.
A.
Samples taken off the door and the cosmetics.
Forget it, if you're gonna talk, forget it.
So, what do we got going on ? All the hard evidence is out.
We did a couple d.
N.
A.
Swabs.
We got some d.
N.
A.
Swabs over here.
Okay, great, let's lay down some ground rules.
First of all, if anyone has to use the bathroom While we're in here, Let's not use any of their test tubes or containers.
And, uh, if anyone else We have a bathroom here.
Let's keep efficient, Let's not having people running out To use the little ladies' room, okay ? Right here, sir.
Hello.
I'm pan.
( whistling ) I'm bustin' your balls.
I had an idea, and I don't know-- I don't wanna cross-- Oh, I'm not a big shot, let's hear it.
My cat went missing, and I put up missing flyers-- You know what ? Stop there.
We need to focus on this.
I'm an animal lover-- No, no, no, no, no.
You didn't let me finish, this is part of the thing.
I put up missing flyers, and I was thinking What if we put a picture of ray mendoza over the kitty cat, We xerox, and we put them all over town ? Then maybe we might be able to find him.
Is that a dumb idea ? Let's go with that.
Yeah, put those up.
Hi, my name's terry jaspermans.
And, um, I am a trustee here at the jail, Which means I don't have to be in the jail all the time, I can work in the station.
They let me do that because I'm not gross.
I do a lot of mopping on the floors, Keep 'em clean and stuff, You know, make sure nobody slips or whatever.
Sometimes I'll do the wall if I want to.
I've joined three gangs so far.
I've started two, which are good.
I started the "kitties" and I started the "grape slushies".
And we're getting some respect.
I mean, it's taking us a while, but you know, Some people are interested, some people aren't But whatever, we're gonna be pretty big soon.
( dangle ) terry ! Terry ! What ? When was the last time you used the fax machine ? And-- supplemental question-- Did you fax a picture of your wiener To the district attorney ? I don't know what a fax machine is.
Terry, I faxed those pictures of your wiener to-- Turn to the right.
Look, I'm, uh, sorry to have to do this to you boys, But the assailant was dressed As one of them santa helpers in the mall, So it'd really help our witness if you'd put on these hats.
I know it's a little demeaning, sorry to have to do this to you But it really is gonna help our investigation.
All right, now, if you could all take one step forward, Eyes dead ahead.
Do not look to your left, do not look to your right.
( camera clicking ) ( click ) Hello.
Uh-oh.
( car alarm blaring ) Sheriff's department.
( alarm continues ) How you doing today ? I'm doing good, what's the problem ? What ?! I didn't say anything, sir.
You're trying to get into the vehicle there, I see.
Yeah, I'm trying to get into my vehicle, It's my automobile, it's my vehicle ! Yeah ? Oh, oh, oh, oh, it can't be mine ! That's where you're going next, I can see it.
It can't be my vehicle.
No one said that-- You think I stole this suit from a fat man, don't you ? There's more than one fat-man suit out there.
All we said was, "how you doing, sir ?" That's some racist crap-- "how you doing, sir ?" Sir, are you trying to get in the vehicle there ? I am trying to get in the vehicle, yes.
It's my vehicle.
Why don't you just go ahead and arrest me now 'cause you-- Go ahead, frisk my black butt ! That's what you want, ain't it ? I have seen racist activities from you.
I have seen racist activities from you.
You had your hands on your gun, sir You called me nigger.
Straight to my face ! Boom, bingo, there we go.
Thank you very much, officer.
Sir, here are your bags.
Thank you for the bags, put them in the back.
If you will give me that.
Uh, that's a sheriff's department slim-jim.
Yes, I understand.
I, uh That comes out of my-- A pleasure helping you today, sir, and-- You drive safe, sir.
Yeah, yeah, right-on.
Did I call him nigger ? I don't remember you calling him nigger.
I don't remember having said nigger.
Got bless white america, god bless you.
It would take me about seven years To save up for a car like that.
Where's my car ? Yo Where's my car ? Hardcastle, now, after watching him work, You know, at first, I thought, "he's got his own ways, he's gonna figure it out.
" But now it's kind of like when you go to that carnival And you see that drugged-out, toothless, uh, drunk guy That's working that little octopus ride, And you get on and go, "I wonder if this guy's gonna stop this "or if I'm going to meet my death on this ride 'cause he's passed out.
" But in the end he stops it and you are okay, Maybe a little bit of throw-up on your shirt.
I feel like he's that guy.
( hardcastle ) suck it ! Ha ! ( beeping ) suck it, bitch.
( beeping continues ) Oh, suck it, you bitch ! Take it, you take it all ! There you go, ha ! Uh ( man on loudspeaker ) ray mendoza on line one.
Ray mendoza on line one.
Get it, get it, get it.
Hello, reno sheriff's department.
All right, you just stay put.
It's ray mendoza.
What ? He saw a flyer.
Trace the call.
I-I don't got to, He's at gold goat's casino like two blocks from here.
He didn't know anybody was worried about him.
He's just been gambling.
That's the guy we're looking for ? Yes.
Hang up the phone.
You know how often the guy you're looking for Calls you up and tells you where he is ? Zero.
Hang up the phone.
Hang it up.
If you look stupid, I look stupid.
Hang it up, I'm not gonna look stupid ! Just stay put.
Stay where you are.
Look, I'll tell you how I'm going to play this.
Go check out the titty bars, See if he's hanging around one of those.
Don't worry, I'm gonna play it very discreetly.
If we see him, I'll sidle up to him.
"some people think you've gone missing.
" No one has to know that he did any All right.
Okay, let's go.
Uh, titty bar or gold goat's casino ? Goat's casino.
Jesus christ almighty.
Goat's casino.
Let's get him.
Move, move, move.
I'll tell you what happens a lot of time When you work with a local force.
It's sort of like what hurdles are to a hurdler.
You know, it's part of the race.
It's called "hurdles.
" In this case, I'm here to aid them in their investigation.
But honestly, could I run faster Down that straigtaway without the hurdles ? Oh, yeah.
I'm pissed.
This is horse crap.
I'm gonna tell them that we found him.
He's gonna get all the credit, we did everything.
We found all the clues I'm gonna do it.
You should do it.
I am going to go tell them right now.
He didn't do shit.
I'm gonna tell them we found him.
We got him ! ( applause ) On behalf of the federal bureau of investigation And the reno sheriff's department, I am happy to announce that we have found ray mendoza, And he will be home with his family tonight.
I just wanna say I hope that all americans Will follow the example Of these professionals on the police force of reno.
That they will cooperate.
Because if you don't cooperate, if you backbite, If you take credit from someone else, If you fight for the glory, then you know what ? You're sort of a terrorist.
You're sort of a terrorist.
I'm going home to the people I love.
Thank you.
( applause ) Hell of a job, guys.
I got a helicopter to catch, people.
( helicopter passing ) Oh, sorry.
Okay, back to work.
My dad took off, And my mother started going out with this puerto rican guy, And he was just disgusting.
He said he was a "lawyer".
A puerto rican "lawyer".
Did you ever hear anything so stupid in your life ? You know who he represented ? Other puerto ricans.
And all they wanted to do is rip off the system.
You know what they would do ? A lot of these guys would get into car wrecks And they'd be like, "oh, it's not my fault, he rear-ended me.
I need my abogado.
"