Retired at 35 (2011) s02e09 Episode Script

Hey, man.
Just came by to say Happy Birthday.
Thanks, but historically, my birthdays have not been great.
I get really depressed.
So today, I was gonna do a day of beauty then see the Russian ladies for some manscaping.
Can we swing by my place real quick? It's not a big deal at all, and it's totally not birthday-related, but I just need to swing by the house real quick.
But it's not a big deal at all.
Oh, it's a surprise party.
- How did you know that? - You just told me.
[Sighs.]
Damn it.
I hate surprise parties.
It's been my experience, I'd rather go do the thing I was lied to about doing.
"Hey, Brandon, we're going to Disneyland.
[Chuckles.]
"Kidding.
"Instead, you get to have stale cake with that uncle who loves to watch you swim.
" Well, this is just a small get-together.
But, you know, Amy really wanted to do something for your birthday.
Really? It was Amy's idea? My birthday fortune is turning.
I'm in.
I-that Jared's not gonna be there, is he? No, it is a Jared-and-uncle-free zone.
Dad, David and Brandon will be here any second.
You need to hide.
Alan, it's not a surprise if you're sitting in your chair.
I'll move to the couch.
He'll be shocked.
[Sighs.]
Here comes somebody.
[Knock at door.]
Both: Surprise! Mr.
Robbins, you're sitting on the couch.
Never seen that before.
Jared, I thought you had a meeting.
Yeah, it got cancelled.
Oh, well, we're doing a little something for Brandon's birthday.
It's a surprise.
- Yeah.
- Well, I have a surprise too.
And I'm glad your parents are here for it.
Have a seat, sweetie.
Since I've met you, I've never been happier.
Is that it? [Stutters.]
I am so lucky to be with you.
And if I traveled the entire universe, I could never find a kinder, sweeter, funnier, beautiful-er woman.
And I was hoping you would consider spending the rest of your life with me As my wife.
I almost left that out.
What I'm saying is, will you marry me? Yes, yes, yes.
Kind of her moment.
Jared, I would love to marry you.
- Really? - She said yes.
What, are you deaf? Jared proposed to Amy, and she said, "yes.
" Surprise.
Three days into the wedding planning, and I've already got the Windsor room at the Sarasota Country Club.
Don't ask me how I did it, just know I wasn't wearing a bra when I negotiated it.
The country club? Isn't that a little pricey? We are not skimping.
I want this party to be so big it will sicken people.
[Gasps.]
There she is.
The bride! Oh, did you hear that, Alan? Amy the bride.
Oh, I like my new nickname.
Hi to you too, Jared, the groom.
Hi, Mom.
Too soon? Not at all Son.
So if we're tossing around the nicknames, what do you think, Dad? We'll figure something out.
So, Amy.
I got us the country club in June.
Oh, Mom, about that, Jared and I have been talking, and, well, tell them, honey.
- Okay, well-- - We're getting married - in two weeks.
- Two weeks? - Two weeks? - Two weeks? Two weeks? Are you pregnant? No.
We use condoms.
She's on the pill.
There's, like, a hockey goalie down there.
Actually, got a little bit more to say.
The two-week thing was my idea.
I might not seem it on the surface, but I'm kind of a hopeless romantic.
When you know what's right, why wait? And this way, you can have a nice, small affair, just friends and family, and you could save a boatload of cabbage.
Call me Dad.
And Mom, I want the wedding to be small.
Got it? Small.
If it helps, your role in the planning will be small.
This doesn't make sense.
Why's Jared in such a hurry to get married? I admit, it's a little weird.
But maybe he just loves her.
Oh, please, David, something's up.
The guy's wearing a teal shirt.
Also a little weird.
But not everything's a conspiracy.
Really, David? Look me in the eye and tell me Jimmy Carter died of natural causes.
- Jimmy Carter's alive.
- Really? If Jimmy Carter's alive, what was Gerald Ford doing at his funeral? Gerald Ford is dead.
Oh, my God, they're dropping like flies.
[Door opens.]
Hey, man, uh, listen, I need to talk you about-- holy crap, what the hell is that? It's my Jared surveillance board.
I know it's really small, but I've only been at it for a few days.
Okay, and have we slept in these days? Check this out.
Jared got coffee, picked up his dry cleaning, and then got frozen yogurt.
Clearly the actions of a man with something to hide.
Um, so, listen, man.
I'm throwing Jared a bachelor party.
I knew that already.
That's right here.
So, you're okay with it? I'm more than okay with it.
- I'm looking forward to it.
- How so? It's a bachelor party.
We'll get Jared drunk, and then we'll get him to admit why he's marrying Amy so quickly.
We're not gonna end up on the news, are we? Julia, thanks for agreeing to the plan the wedding on such short notice.
Well, I'll do my best.
But I'm a wedding planner, not a magician.
But I better be, to pull this wedding out of my ass.
I'm gonna go set up.
Lainey, what do you think of this suit and tie for the wedding? No, that'll clash with my dress.
You haven't even bought your dress yet.
But when I do, it won't be something that goes with that.
Hey, why is there a woman in the living room? She seems costly.
She's the wedding planner.
And she is.
Hang on--Amy said you couldn't have a big wedding.
My girlfriend said I couldn't bang Elvis, but I did.
There are thousands of Elvis imitators out there.
Are you sure it wasn't one of them? And this isn't Amy's show.
It's mine.
She's the actress.
I'm the director.
All she has to do is show up, hit her marks, say, "I do," and be grateful for the exposure.
You're not a well woman.
That's not what The King said.
Mom, a wedding planner, really? Well, I can't plan the wedding of the century in two weeks without a little help.
Look, Jared and I aren't really the big wedding type of people.
You know what weddings are? They're a harbinger of your love and commitment to each other.
If you're not gonna put effort into your wedding day, what chance does your marriage have of succeeding? I'll tell you, 29.
8%.
I know, I've done the research.
Okay, well, maybe, if it's something simple and elegant.
Let me show you what love and commitment look like.
It doesn't cost anything to look.
I will have to charge you for today, though.
[Hums.]
Oh.
Screw simple, I want that.
Look at me in my pop-up dress.
I'm beautiful and tall.
[Gasps.]
Well, now that we're all on the same page, we need to shop for a dress and do a seating chart.
Don't put Cousin Leonard and Aunt Blanche at the same table.
He raided her retirement fund to pay to have his ding-a-ling enlarged.
We'll just put him at my table, so-- Look, Mom, I feel really bad about what happened to Brandon at the birthday party.
So would it be all right if he just sat with our family? Oh, dear, Brandon isn't coming.
What do you mean Brandon's not coming? He has to come.
Well, his R.
S.
V.
P.
said, "Will not attend.
" But, he did say, if he were coming, he'd have the prime rib and the chicken.
A class act to the end.
[Knock at door.]
- Hey, Brandon.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, look, I just wanted to come by and say I am sorry that your birthday got lost in all the Jared proposing stuff.
I got you a present.
Oh, thank you.
- Bye.
- Wait.
- What the hell is that? - Oh, that? That is my dream board.
Well-- well, why do you have pictures of Jared going to the coffee shop, and picking up his dry cleaning-- Oh, I knew he got frozen yogurt and didn't tell me.
Because I'm looking out for you, trying to figure out what he's up to.
Wait, you've been spying on him? [Chuckles.]
I prefer the term "monitoring.
" But why would you do that? It doesn't square, him needing to marry you so quickly.
This is a guy who proposed, then unproposed.
Moved in, moved out-- he's all over the place.
Why, all of a sudden, does he need to rush to the altar? Well, did you ever think it's because he loves me, or is that so far out of the question? What, he won't love you six months from now? You know what, you're a jerk.
Yeah, well, this jerk is trying to protect you.
Yeah, well, stop it.
You know what, I came here to beg you to come to my wedding, but if you're so intent on destroying it, you might as well not come at all.
Fine, I wasn't gonna go anyway.
- Fine.
- Just make me a plate and send it with David.
I ordered the chicken and the prime rib.
Mmm.
The night before your wedding.
I thought this day would never come.
And I thought you saying this day would never come would never come.
So what if Brandon thinks it's too soon? Are we still talking about the pool boy? I mean, so what if it's fast? It's none of his business.
Do you think it's too fast? Sweetheart, where did you have this illuminating discussion? - At his place.
- Which is where? In his mother's garage.
Case closed.
[Knocks at door.]
Oh.
[Gasps.]
I have your dress.
Altered and ready to try on.
Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow at the wedding.
Oh, no, no, no, Julia, please, come in.
Have a drink with us.
This is my little bachelorette party for Amy.
At mine, we had naked men and cocaine.
But this is fun too.
How lovely.
Well, we're not gonna drink all this wine by ourselves.
Oh, I don't know.
You haven't seen me drink.
Julia, I'm so glad you're staying.
After all the prep you did for this wedding, I feel like we're bonded.
We're friends now.
Yeah.
Just another illusion I perpetuate.
Well, what's wrong, Julia? Oh, no, I don't want to bring up my personal problems on the most exciting lie of your life.
You mean night of my life.
- What did I say? - You said, "lie of your life.
" Oh.
My fiance just dumped me.
Yeah.
But, on the bright side, his mistress wants me to plan their wedding.
Aww.
A toast.
She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
And all through the night, he was on her and off her.
L'Chaim! All right, nice toast.
Thanks.
Uh, no info from Jared, though.
I gotta get in there and put the screws to him.
So, Jared.
Two weeks is a really short time.
Now, this is your bachelor party.
It's a safe place to come clean about anything to anyone.
You know, deep, dark secrets, marriage timetables, that sort of thing.
Come on, share, man, share.
Actually, I do have something I wanna share with you.
I knew it.
The truth is, I don't have too many friends.
And then I met Amy, and now I'm surrounded by them, and it's all because of her.
She's so sweet and kind and funny.
And I'm so lucky to have her in my life.
And despite everything that we've been through, I still really like you, man.
I'm glad you're here.
I love you too, man.
Okay, didn't actually say, "love you," but whatever, it's fine.
[Knock at door.]
Oh, there's the entertainment.
I guess we should leave, let the young people have their fun.
We don't want to cramp their style.
Speaking of cramp, I think have one in my pants.
Hi, guys.
I'm Kat.
Rrow! Drink up, boys, 'cause we are gonna have fun, fun, fun.
So, um, which one of you boys wants to party? [Stutters.]
I'd like to party.
Partying's nice.
[Laughs.]
Dude, Jared is totally clean.
- Yeah? - Yeah, I got nothing.
Turns out, he really loves your sister.
I'm gonna take off.
- Jared? - Stephanie? Well, I go by Kat sometimes.
But yes, oh, my God.
How have you been? Hey, you guys know each other? I went to high school with her brother in Edmonton.
She used to babysit me.
So what are you doing now? - Oh, I'm your stripper.
- Of course you are.
I just feel like this huge fraud.
It's like I'm selling this myth, this ideal, and it's just a giant load of crap.
You know, the truth is 80% of my business is second marriages.
If I was smart, I would get a law degree.
And then, I could plan the wedding, and then, when they break up, just rake it all in.
'Cause you know what? They will break up.
They all do.
Mom, the wedding planner's scaring me.
No worries, dear.
Julia, we're going to stop sharing now.
Time to go.
But I thought we were friends.
Well, we are, and as your friend, I'm telling you, if you keep talking, I will take you out.
You'd be doing me a favor.
You know, my friends warned me.
One of them even tried to find some dirt on him.
And put a big poster board of everything he did? No.
That would be crazy.
Yeah, well, Jared and I have only known each other for six months and we've been engaged for two weeks.
[Explosion noise.]
Is that what you think's gonna happen to me? Oh, of course not.
She's clearly a bitter, hopeless drunk who drove her man away.
No offense, dear.
And you are a clearheaded, perceptive woman who can and will hold on to her husband.
Oh, yeah, hey, look at you.
You're the magic, girl.
Yeah, it's all gonna happen for you.
Okay, you need to get some rest for the big day.
And by that, I mean your first day at rehab.
Oh, I'm not going back.
Okay, dear, there's more wine at a convenience store near your apartment.
I'll drive you.
Oh, oh, good.
You can tell me the Elvis story again.
Mom, do you think I'm doing the right thing? I mean, how well do I really know Jared? Everything's going to be great.
Now, think happy thoughts and give me a bride's big smile.
We have until tomorrow to work on that.
[Knock at door.]
- Brandon.
- Uh, hey, Amy.
First of all, you look un-freaking-believable In your dress.
You should wear that every day.
Unless, of course, it's after Labor Day.
Thanks.
Is that it? Just came by to say sorry for questioning Jared's intentions with you.
You know, I actually listened to you.
And then this wedding planner came by and really threw me for a loop.
If it helps, I was wrong about him.
Really? Yeah, he's totally clean, and he really loves you.
So you didn't find out anything? Nope.
Clean as a whistle.
Which is a strange phrase, considering people are blowing saliva into that sucker all day.
How clean is that? [Laughs.]
Thanks for putting my mind at ease.
So we okay? - Yeah, of course.
- Good.
So will I be seeing you at the wedding tomorrow? I think I'll pass.
Not that I don't wish you and Jared all the happiness in the world.
I just don't want to look at it.
I understand.
Really.
- I do.
- Good.
And here, I got something for you.
It's a sewing kit and a shoeshine mitt from the hotel.
You know, something borrowed, something blue.
Well, technically it's stolen.
[Laughs.]
Oh, no, you.
Step away from the bride.
Mom, Brandon just came by to tell me to go ahead with Jared.
You did? Yes.
Oh, well.
Thank you, Brandon.
That's very noble of you.
Sure.
Well, I'll get out of your way.
Good luck, Amy.
Thanks.
Oh, Amy, you look wonderful.
It's pretty good, huh? Couldn't look better.
Oh, you're getting married.
I don't think I could feel any happier than I do right now.
Mom, are you crying? I'm not made of stone.
My angel's getting married, and everything's perfect.
Oh Stand up straight, honey.
Why not go back to junior college and get that degree? Well, I was studying Economics.
And in the first semester, I realized that the economics of taking my clothes off are fantastic.
[Laughs.]
But I do have to go back to Canada and renew my work visa.
Oh, hell, I'll marry you to keep you in the country.
That is so cute.
You know, I think it's really cool that your sister - agreed to do that for Jared.
- Do what? To marry him, so he could get his green card.
What? Are you serious? Yeah, his mom told my mom that if he didn't get married by tomorrow, he'd get deported.
Oh, yeah, that-- that is cool.