Sabrina The Teenage Witch s02e09 Episode Script
Witch Trash
Would you like some more cocoa, Aunt Zelda? Not until I know why you're doing all this.
I just want you guys to relax.
And I want my own car.
[IN UNISON.]
No.
- Then you leave me no choice.
Here.
- Ow.
A C in History? - I got a C because I don't have a car.
- That happened to me once.
I got a D because my dad wouldn't get me a rocket.
I had a report due on the Freedom Trail.
I had to go to the stupid Freedom Trail but my ride to Boston fell through, so I ran out of time.
Sabrina, you cannot blame your circumstances for not getting your work done.
If there are obstacles in your path, go around them.
That's right.
If you can't get to the Freedom Trail, try a freedom fighter.
Paper on the Freedom Trail? The Freedom Trail includes many historical sites of significance to Boston.
Wouldn't a car have been easier? I'm all tapped out.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'm coming.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Ready for breakfast? - Yeah, we're going to Big John's.
If you order the lumberjack special before 8:30, you get to keep the plate.
If you get there before 8:15, you get the fork.
Think Big John's is going out of business? We're going to the aquarium.
We'll be back by 6.
I'm driving.
Oh, no, I'm not.
I don't have a car.
- Nice try, Sabrina.
- Have fun.
- That's weird.
It's stuck.
- Are you sure? [DOORKNOB RATTLING.]
[DOORS AND WINDOWS CLOSING.]
What's going on? I know it sounds crazy, but the door won't open.
I wonder how that happened? Oh, dear.
Hilda, would you check the back door? - Right.
- And I'll try these.
Boy, that's a-- Nope.
Hilda.
Any luck? HILDA: Even the cat door won't open.
Is it time to start worrying about the oxygen supply? Will you excuse us for a second? - What's going on here? - I've got a hunch.
Hilda, did you mail that mortgage payment last week? Of course I did.
Didn't I? Oh, I absolutely-- Don't remember.
Well, we're probably in a lockdown.
It's a scare tactic witch lenders use to remind the customer their payment is a little late.
Or that their little sister is a little brain-dead.
We've got to go there.
How am I gonna stall Harvey and Valerie? - You'll think of something.
- But don't use a mind freeze.
When people are thawed, they tend to lose the letter R.
- Go around the obstacles, right? - That's our girl.
Then can I have a car? [IN UNISON.]
No.
Sorry, guys.
Our alarm system freaked out.
My aunts went upstairs to check on it, but we're locked in.
Let me try this thing.
[GRUNTS.]
Is this part of the standard alarm package, or is it extra? We're not going to Big John's.
That's okay, I'll cook.
And everyone goes home with a knife.
Wait here.
Hello, ladies.
Welcome to Budget Mortgage, where we forgo the frills to save you money.
That's why I picked it.
Yes.
I'd give you my card, but that would be a frill.
Our house has been sealed.
Has it started to fill up with sand yet? - No.
- Well, then it's not a foreclosure.
Probably just a late payment.
Let's have a look-see.
Mm Spellman, okay.
P, Q, R Coming up.
Freshly zapped orange juice.
Okay, now should I make omelettes or eggs Benedict? Well, since I don't know what eggs Benedict is, I guess I'll make omelettes.
Sabrina.
- Pesky earthquakes.
- We're lonely.
- Yeah, can we hang with you? - Please don't.
I mean, I can't have you stealing all my Spellman family recipes.
For eggs? Come on, you won't even know we're here.
- Okay.
So how do you like them? - Scrambled's fine with me.
Okay, then.
Is that scrambled on top of the stove or in some sort of casserole? Seventeen.
One-seven.
Five-aught-five.
How do you like this baby, huh? A lot better than a slide rule, I'll tell you.
Alrighty.
Well, your payments are up to date.
Then why is our house sealed? I don't know.
I could run these numbers again-- No! Or let me see if I can get the main auditor on the blower.
- I didn't know eggs were flammable.
- No, the potholder's flammable.
It spread to the eggs.
Ethel? Ethel, it's Ed.
Would you please try plaza 209 for me? No hurry.
We've got all century.
- Mm.
I'm full.
- Stuffed.
Think you could see how your aunts are doing with that alarm system? Oh, alrighty.
You bet.
Mm-hm.
You too.
One more pleasantry, and Ethel will get hurt.
Yeah, I'll call you later.
Ahem.
What my sister means is, did you find anything out? Well, your mortgage has indeed been fully paid.
You know what you are? You are-- Not helpful.
Ugh.
We are taking our mortgage elsewhere.
Hilda, it's a 200-year loan at 1 percent.
I don't care.
[RUMBLING.]
Why is it raining pork rinds? Your house is sealed, and somebody is dumping salty snacks? You don't have a mortgage problem.
That's family.
We don't have any relatives that we have problems with.
- Boyd and Racine.
- Ah! Our hillbilly cousins.
Told you.
Do you think it's possible that your aunts got lost upstairs? I think I'm getting bedsores.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
What was that? Oh, they're probably off the phone.
I'll go check.
Meanwhile, why don't you guys go play pool? - You have a pool table? - Yeah.
- Right through there in the parlour.
- That's awesome.
Let's play.
[MAGIC DINGS.]
- Wow, it looks brand-new.
- Why were we playing cards? - Finally.
Can we leave now? - Unfortunately, no.
Our cousins, Racine and Boyd, have put a lockdown on the house.
But the good news is, I did pay the mortgage.
- Racine and Boyd? - They're relatives you haven't met yet, because they're horrible.
They're just horrible.
They're mad because Great-Granny left us the magic book in her will.
They tend to lash out if they have a bad night at bingo.
But they can still do magic-- I mean, they sealed this house pretty well.
Well, on Earth a little magic goes a long way, but in the Other Realm it's about as impressive as hanging a spoon from your nose.
Oh.
It must be hard for them to manage in the Other Realm without the magic book.
Why, it would be like an American teenager without a car.
I have to hand it to her.
Even in a panic situation, she managed to pitch that car.
We have to do something.
I have mortals in the parlour.
- We don't have a parlour.
- We do now.
Calm down.
These feuds don't last forever.
It'll probably be over in a year or two.
- What? - We'll think of a solution over lunch.
We'll eat in.
[MAGIC DINGS, DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Who could that be? - Probably Racine and Boyd.
I just invited them for lunch.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
WOMAN [HILLBILLY ACCENT.]
: Lord have mercy.
Look at the number of towels.
MAN [HILLBILLY ACCENT.]
: Like there's one towel for each person.
- Ah.
Heh.
Whoo.
- Ooh.
[HILLBILLY ACCENT.]
It's a good thing you folks have such a fancy place because you ain't never leaving it.
- Hi, I'm Sabrina.
- We're sitting in our recliners in our own front yard, and suddenly we're conjured to the mortal realm.
What would you call that, Maw Maw? Rude.
- You must be Racine.
- And that's Boyd, Racine's husband.
And Boyd's mother, Maw Maw.
That's her given name.
Sabrina wanted us to invite you over so that we could talk about this feud.
At lunch.
Didn't somebody say something about lunch? Hey, I got dressed.
They better be feeding us.
Maw Maw.
The towel.
Well, so far, so good.
Well, look at what the magic book can do.
This place looks like the Taj Mahal with indoor plumbing.
Sorry, folks.
Graceland is closed today.
You know, cat make real nice jerky.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Okay, well, how about we start this visit off right? I'll get everyone some iced tea, and you guys can unseal the house.
How about I take my iced tea with a little sugar and a magic book? Oh, well, that's certainly in the spirit of compromise.
Can't you ever talk like a normal person? This from a woman who says "cain't"? I think we'll feel better once we eat something.
The dining room's that way.
- Oh, no TV trays? - What is this, Christmas? I don't care how many times you beat me, - I'm not calling you Westbridge Slim.
- Okay.
How about just Slim? Is the alarm fixed yet? - Not yet.
- We should call the fire department.
- They have axes.
- No.
What Sabrina means is-- No.
The alarm company's working on it.
Well, what about the police? - Why don't you stay for lunch? - What? It'll be all right.
I'll warn-- Tell our guests.
- You have guests? - Cousins.
How did they get in if we can't get out? Oh, well, they got here last night.
They just woke up now.
Jet lag.
- Where are they from? - Hong Kong.
- What is this? - I don't know.
Something expensive, I reckon.
[RACINE GASPING.]
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Look at that.
Their own still.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Don't touch that! I'm sorry.
It's just very sensitive equipment.
Sure, sure.
Put us down for two jugs.
[BOYD LAUGHS.]
Listen, before we zap in lunch, I want you to know that Sabrina's mortal friends will be joining us.
Oh, Lord.
Don't tell Maw Maw.
Maw Maw don't break bread with no mortals.
- Well, Sabrina's half mortal.
- Oh, Lord.
Don't tell Maw Maw.
Well, we won't tell Maw Maw if you won't do magic at lunch.
Deal? Are those fancy sort of rules one might find in, say, a magic book? Right this way.
Here, just in case you need to divert Harvey and Valerie's attention.
"Astonish Mints"? "One fact enthrals for hours.
" You really think I'm gonna need these? BOYD: Bring on the grub! Like I said, just in case.
My, that's quite an impressive hat, Boyd.
- I wish you wouldn't wear that.
- It is just a touch silly.
It'd be fine if we could afford brand-name soda.
But with bargain soda, he looks like a fool.
Grown man with cheap soda on his head.
What message does that send? I'll tell you what message: "This man's got no magic book.
" - Magic book? - TV Guide.
Heh.
Hong Kongians.
Anybody mind if I zap in something fried? You're talking about using a microwave, right? I mean, there's nothing magical about that.
Baked potato in six minutes.
That's pretty magical.
So tell us what it's like living in Hong Kong.
What is your little mortal friend talking about? Mortal? I ain't sitting next to it.
- Mortal? - Mint? - Is it my breath? - Yeah, Harvey, you too.
Anyone ever been astonished by the number nine? Me.
Three times nine is 27, which is two and seven-- And two and seven equals nine.
That's astonishing.
I have a calculator up in my room? Race you? [TEARFULLY.]
To think I mixed with mortals.
Now I can't be buried in the family crypt.
The problem you have with mortals is the same problem you have with my aunts.
What? Mortals have the magic book? No.
You feud with my aunts because you don't understand them.
And they have a magic book.
You have to see things from the other person's point of view.
I think I see both sides because I'm half mortal.
[GASPS.]
I knew it.
Those eyes are too far apart.
So since everything's reversed, when I look into a mirror, I'm not seeing what you see when you look at me.
Exactly.
You look nothing like that.
That's astonishing.
I want to work.
It's just hard when you ain't got no magic book.
Or a grammar book.
We'll get more pudding.
And crackers.
You seem to like that combination.
I know what you mean.
I want a car.
Oh, just like Boyd wants a job.
- Exactly.
But I don't have the money.
- Just like we don't have a magic book.
Right.
See, now we're understanding each other.
This is the beginning of working things out.
Well, I'm glad to see someone understands our troubles.
I do.
I know how tough it is to make it on your own.
I mean, my aunts told me I have to earn the car, but it's hard to get a job when you're 17.
Are you implying that Boyd shouldn't have trouble finding work? No, I meant it's hard for me because I'm in school.
Oh, so now you're throwing your "ed-u-cation" up in our face.
I bet you think we're nothing but witch trash.
That's not what I meant.
I'm the one who sympathises with you.
- Really? - Absolutely.
When I think of how much the book's helped me since I got it.
[GASPS.]
The mutt has the magic book.
Oh, Maw, the mortals are taking over the world.
Sabrina, you give us that magic book, and you give it now.
But I'm studying for my witch's licence.
Here we are.
Well.
I guess there's no more reason for us to stay.
The magic book has passed hands and once again, our hands are empty.
Come on, we're missing the Wheel.
Oh, don't go.
Look, there's more pudding.
We got pudding at home.
It may be canned.
It may be government surplus.
I don't know.
It may even be pie filling.
But it's ours.
Don't be a big baby, Boyd.
Unseal this house and let those mortals go home.
We wouldn't unseal this highfalutin house for all the bacon grease in China.
How am I gonna get Valerie and Harvey out of this house? I say we fight pork rinds with garbage.
Let's start by pelting them with rotten tomatoes.
No, no, no.
These Spellmans will not stoop to their level no matter how tempting that might be.
We will not get anywhere by trying to get [BUZZING.]
even.
This means war.
[IN UNISON.]
Wheel of Fortune.
[ALL CHEERING.]
[TV EXPLODES.]
ALL: No! [SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[MAGIC DINGS.]
Ah! [YELLING.]
Are Harvey and Valerie okay? Yeah, they're still astonished.
It's rather astonishing.
- Hey.
- Oh, no.
Those hayseeds are messing with gravity.
And yet they can't get a job? Two can play with the elements.
It's tornado time.
Finally, we'll see if Racine's hair can move.
Stop.
This has gone too far.
I'll just give them back the magic book.
- I wish you wouldn't.
BOTH: Great-Granny.
Do you mind if we get down from here? I had a big lunch.
Thank you.
And the ceiling needs painting.
Great-Granny, this is our niece, Sabrina.
Oh, well, aren't you just a dear? Why in creation are you looking at me like that? I'm sorry.
It's just-- I thought you were dead.
Is my makeup too pale? No.
You left us the magic book in your will.
Oh, Sabrina.
We witches live so long, that we go through several wills just to thin out all the things we tend to accumulate.
It's our version of a garage sale.
Couldn't we sit down? It really was a large lunch.
I've heard your side of the story.
Now, I wonder what would be the right thing to do.
Oh, I know.
Hear the other side.
[BELL RINGING.]
And make it snappy.
I foolishly wore a girdle.
It's all their fault.
They hog the magic book, then they bring us here to flaunt their riches.
- Oh, that's not true.
- Liar.
Did you seem them towels? [ALL SHOUTING, GRANNY WHISTLES.]
Everybody.
Stop your bellyaching.
And, Boyd, take off that ridiculous hat.
But, Granny-- Oh, Racine, I know you're unhappy but it was fair.
Now, Hilda and Zelda got the magic book, and you got what you chose: all my money.
They got all Great-Grandma's money? Yep.
And they bought a mansion and a jet and several butlers-- Don't forget tiaras for Maw Maw.
And then all the money was gone.
We didn't just spend it.
We invested some of it.
Yeah.
Who knew Chihuahua racing wouldn't take off? Uh-- Everyone? And I suppose there was no money left over for a car, right? Racine, Boyd, your trouble is not the magic book.
Stop blaming your circumstances.
You've got obstacles.
Go around them.
Yes, I heard her.
I still don't think it's fair.
And did you see all them towels that they got up in there? All right.
The next person who interrupts me is going straight to the corner.
Yes, that's right.
Let Great-Grandmother talk.
Zelda, corner.
But I was just-- ZELDA: Ugh.
- Now, get along.
Help each other.
Oh, and, Racine, unseal this house.
[DOORS AND WINDOWS OPENING.]
Finally, I'm free.
I have no place to go.
[BELL RINGING.]
I think I'll count the towels.
- I'm sorry about the aquarium.
- Oh, who cares? We still got to look at that rug in your room.
Look, clouds.
Oooh Great-Granny, will you come back and visit now that you're not dead? Well, you should come and visit me.
You'd love Florida.
Unless you burn like I do.
ZELDA: May I please be excused? Not until you've thought about what I said.
I just wish I could remember what it was.
I'm not letting my grades suffer because I don't have a car.
- Oh, really? - Yep.
Taking the bus to the aquarium.
Don't expect me before dark.
Fine.
Don't expect me to be in a good mood, because I hate the bus.
Try being on the back of a burro with the rest of your husband's possessions.
Hmm? You haven't ridden the bus lately, have you? - Any instructions, Aunt Zelda? - Take a sweater.
Okay.
Gotta go.
[ZELDA SIGHS.]
ZELDA: Grandma.
GRANNY: No.
I just want you guys to relax.
And I want my own car.
[IN UNISON.]
No.
- Then you leave me no choice.
Here.
- Ow.
A C in History? - I got a C because I don't have a car.
- That happened to me once.
I got a D because my dad wouldn't get me a rocket.
I had a report due on the Freedom Trail.
I had to go to the stupid Freedom Trail but my ride to Boston fell through, so I ran out of time.
Sabrina, you cannot blame your circumstances for not getting your work done.
If there are obstacles in your path, go around them.
That's right.
If you can't get to the Freedom Trail, try a freedom fighter.
Paper on the Freedom Trail? The Freedom Trail includes many historical sites of significance to Boston.
Wouldn't a car have been easier? I'm all tapped out.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'm coming.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Ready for breakfast? - Yeah, we're going to Big John's.
If you order the lumberjack special before 8:30, you get to keep the plate.
If you get there before 8:15, you get the fork.
Think Big John's is going out of business? We're going to the aquarium.
We'll be back by 6.
I'm driving.
Oh, no, I'm not.
I don't have a car.
- Nice try, Sabrina.
- Have fun.
- That's weird.
It's stuck.
- Are you sure? [DOORKNOB RATTLING.]
[DOORS AND WINDOWS CLOSING.]
What's going on? I know it sounds crazy, but the door won't open.
I wonder how that happened? Oh, dear.
Hilda, would you check the back door? - Right.
- And I'll try these.
Boy, that's a-- Nope.
Hilda.
Any luck? HILDA: Even the cat door won't open.
Is it time to start worrying about the oxygen supply? Will you excuse us for a second? - What's going on here? - I've got a hunch.
Hilda, did you mail that mortgage payment last week? Of course I did.
Didn't I? Oh, I absolutely-- Don't remember.
Well, we're probably in a lockdown.
It's a scare tactic witch lenders use to remind the customer their payment is a little late.
Or that their little sister is a little brain-dead.
We've got to go there.
How am I gonna stall Harvey and Valerie? - You'll think of something.
- But don't use a mind freeze.
When people are thawed, they tend to lose the letter R.
- Go around the obstacles, right? - That's our girl.
Then can I have a car? [IN UNISON.]
No.
Sorry, guys.
Our alarm system freaked out.
My aunts went upstairs to check on it, but we're locked in.
Let me try this thing.
[GRUNTS.]
Is this part of the standard alarm package, or is it extra? We're not going to Big John's.
That's okay, I'll cook.
And everyone goes home with a knife.
Wait here.
Hello, ladies.
Welcome to Budget Mortgage, where we forgo the frills to save you money.
That's why I picked it.
Yes.
I'd give you my card, but that would be a frill.
Our house has been sealed.
Has it started to fill up with sand yet? - No.
- Well, then it's not a foreclosure.
Probably just a late payment.
Let's have a look-see.
Mm Spellman, okay.
P, Q, R Coming up.
Freshly zapped orange juice.
Okay, now should I make omelettes or eggs Benedict? Well, since I don't know what eggs Benedict is, I guess I'll make omelettes.
Sabrina.
- Pesky earthquakes.
- We're lonely.
- Yeah, can we hang with you? - Please don't.
I mean, I can't have you stealing all my Spellman family recipes.
For eggs? Come on, you won't even know we're here.
- Okay.
So how do you like them? - Scrambled's fine with me.
Okay, then.
Is that scrambled on top of the stove or in some sort of casserole? Seventeen.
One-seven.
Five-aught-five.
How do you like this baby, huh? A lot better than a slide rule, I'll tell you.
Alrighty.
Well, your payments are up to date.
Then why is our house sealed? I don't know.
I could run these numbers again-- No! Or let me see if I can get the main auditor on the blower.
- I didn't know eggs were flammable.
- No, the potholder's flammable.
It spread to the eggs.
Ethel? Ethel, it's Ed.
Would you please try plaza 209 for me? No hurry.
We've got all century.
- Mm.
I'm full.
- Stuffed.
Think you could see how your aunts are doing with that alarm system? Oh, alrighty.
You bet.
Mm-hm.
You too.
One more pleasantry, and Ethel will get hurt.
Yeah, I'll call you later.
Ahem.
What my sister means is, did you find anything out? Well, your mortgage has indeed been fully paid.
You know what you are? You are-- Not helpful.
Ugh.
We are taking our mortgage elsewhere.
Hilda, it's a 200-year loan at 1 percent.
I don't care.
[RUMBLING.]
Why is it raining pork rinds? Your house is sealed, and somebody is dumping salty snacks? You don't have a mortgage problem.
That's family.
We don't have any relatives that we have problems with.
- Boyd and Racine.
- Ah! Our hillbilly cousins.
Told you.
Do you think it's possible that your aunts got lost upstairs? I think I'm getting bedsores.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
What was that? Oh, they're probably off the phone.
I'll go check.
Meanwhile, why don't you guys go play pool? - You have a pool table? - Yeah.
- Right through there in the parlour.
- That's awesome.
Let's play.
[MAGIC DINGS.]
- Wow, it looks brand-new.
- Why were we playing cards? - Finally.
Can we leave now? - Unfortunately, no.
Our cousins, Racine and Boyd, have put a lockdown on the house.
But the good news is, I did pay the mortgage.
- Racine and Boyd? - They're relatives you haven't met yet, because they're horrible.
They're just horrible.
They're mad because Great-Granny left us the magic book in her will.
They tend to lash out if they have a bad night at bingo.
But they can still do magic-- I mean, they sealed this house pretty well.
Well, on Earth a little magic goes a long way, but in the Other Realm it's about as impressive as hanging a spoon from your nose.
Oh.
It must be hard for them to manage in the Other Realm without the magic book.
Why, it would be like an American teenager without a car.
I have to hand it to her.
Even in a panic situation, she managed to pitch that car.
We have to do something.
I have mortals in the parlour.
- We don't have a parlour.
- We do now.
Calm down.
These feuds don't last forever.
It'll probably be over in a year or two.
- What? - We'll think of a solution over lunch.
We'll eat in.
[MAGIC DINGS, DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Who could that be? - Probably Racine and Boyd.
I just invited them for lunch.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
WOMAN [HILLBILLY ACCENT.]
: Lord have mercy.
Look at the number of towels.
MAN [HILLBILLY ACCENT.]
: Like there's one towel for each person.
- Ah.
Heh.
Whoo.
- Ooh.
[HILLBILLY ACCENT.]
It's a good thing you folks have such a fancy place because you ain't never leaving it.
- Hi, I'm Sabrina.
- We're sitting in our recliners in our own front yard, and suddenly we're conjured to the mortal realm.
What would you call that, Maw Maw? Rude.
- You must be Racine.
- And that's Boyd, Racine's husband.
And Boyd's mother, Maw Maw.
That's her given name.
Sabrina wanted us to invite you over so that we could talk about this feud.
At lunch.
Didn't somebody say something about lunch? Hey, I got dressed.
They better be feeding us.
Maw Maw.
The towel.
Well, so far, so good.
Well, look at what the magic book can do.
This place looks like the Taj Mahal with indoor plumbing.
Sorry, folks.
Graceland is closed today.
You know, cat make real nice jerky.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Okay, well, how about we start this visit off right? I'll get everyone some iced tea, and you guys can unseal the house.
How about I take my iced tea with a little sugar and a magic book? Oh, well, that's certainly in the spirit of compromise.
Can't you ever talk like a normal person? This from a woman who says "cain't"? I think we'll feel better once we eat something.
The dining room's that way.
- Oh, no TV trays? - What is this, Christmas? I don't care how many times you beat me, - I'm not calling you Westbridge Slim.
- Okay.
How about just Slim? Is the alarm fixed yet? - Not yet.
- We should call the fire department.
- They have axes.
- No.
What Sabrina means is-- No.
The alarm company's working on it.
Well, what about the police? - Why don't you stay for lunch? - What? It'll be all right.
I'll warn-- Tell our guests.
- You have guests? - Cousins.
How did they get in if we can't get out? Oh, well, they got here last night.
They just woke up now.
Jet lag.
- Where are they from? - Hong Kong.
- What is this? - I don't know.
Something expensive, I reckon.
[RACINE GASPING.]
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Look at that.
Their own still.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Don't touch that! I'm sorry.
It's just very sensitive equipment.
Sure, sure.
Put us down for two jugs.
[BOYD LAUGHS.]
Listen, before we zap in lunch, I want you to know that Sabrina's mortal friends will be joining us.
Oh, Lord.
Don't tell Maw Maw.
Maw Maw don't break bread with no mortals.
- Well, Sabrina's half mortal.
- Oh, Lord.
Don't tell Maw Maw.
Well, we won't tell Maw Maw if you won't do magic at lunch.
Deal? Are those fancy sort of rules one might find in, say, a magic book? Right this way.
Here, just in case you need to divert Harvey and Valerie's attention.
"Astonish Mints"? "One fact enthrals for hours.
" You really think I'm gonna need these? BOYD: Bring on the grub! Like I said, just in case.
My, that's quite an impressive hat, Boyd.
- I wish you wouldn't wear that.
- It is just a touch silly.
It'd be fine if we could afford brand-name soda.
But with bargain soda, he looks like a fool.
Grown man with cheap soda on his head.
What message does that send? I'll tell you what message: "This man's got no magic book.
" - Magic book? - TV Guide.
Heh.
Hong Kongians.
Anybody mind if I zap in something fried? You're talking about using a microwave, right? I mean, there's nothing magical about that.
Baked potato in six minutes.
That's pretty magical.
So tell us what it's like living in Hong Kong.
What is your little mortal friend talking about? Mortal? I ain't sitting next to it.
- Mortal? - Mint? - Is it my breath? - Yeah, Harvey, you too.
Anyone ever been astonished by the number nine? Me.
Three times nine is 27, which is two and seven-- And two and seven equals nine.
That's astonishing.
I have a calculator up in my room? Race you? [TEARFULLY.]
To think I mixed with mortals.
Now I can't be buried in the family crypt.
The problem you have with mortals is the same problem you have with my aunts.
What? Mortals have the magic book? No.
You feud with my aunts because you don't understand them.
And they have a magic book.
You have to see things from the other person's point of view.
I think I see both sides because I'm half mortal.
[GASPS.]
I knew it.
Those eyes are too far apart.
So since everything's reversed, when I look into a mirror, I'm not seeing what you see when you look at me.
Exactly.
You look nothing like that.
That's astonishing.
I want to work.
It's just hard when you ain't got no magic book.
Or a grammar book.
We'll get more pudding.
And crackers.
You seem to like that combination.
I know what you mean.
I want a car.
Oh, just like Boyd wants a job.
- Exactly.
But I don't have the money.
- Just like we don't have a magic book.
Right.
See, now we're understanding each other.
This is the beginning of working things out.
Well, I'm glad to see someone understands our troubles.
I do.
I know how tough it is to make it on your own.
I mean, my aunts told me I have to earn the car, but it's hard to get a job when you're 17.
Are you implying that Boyd shouldn't have trouble finding work? No, I meant it's hard for me because I'm in school.
Oh, so now you're throwing your "ed-u-cation" up in our face.
I bet you think we're nothing but witch trash.
That's not what I meant.
I'm the one who sympathises with you.
- Really? - Absolutely.
When I think of how much the book's helped me since I got it.
[GASPS.]
The mutt has the magic book.
Oh, Maw, the mortals are taking over the world.
Sabrina, you give us that magic book, and you give it now.
But I'm studying for my witch's licence.
Here we are.
Well.
I guess there's no more reason for us to stay.
The magic book has passed hands and once again, our hands are empty.
Come on, we're missing the Wheel.
Oh, don't go.
Look, there's more pudding.
We got pudding at home.
It may be canned.
It may be government surplus.
I don't know.
It may even be pie filling.
But it's ours.
Don't be a big baby, Boyd.
Unseal this house and let those mortals go home.
We wouldn't unseal this highfalutin house for all the bacon grease in China.
How am I gonna get Valerie and Harvey out of this house? I say we fight pork rinds with garbage.
Let's start by pelting them with rotten tomatoes.
No, no, no.
These Spellmans will not stoop to their level no matter how tempting that might be.
We will not get anywhere by trying to get [BUZZING.]
even.
This means war.
[IN UNISON.]
Wheel of Fortune.
[ALL CHEERING.]
[TV EXPLODES.]
ALL: No! [SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[MAGIC DINGS.]
Ah! [YELLING.]
Are Harvey and Valerie okay? Yeah, they're still astonished.
It's rather astonishing.
- Hey.
- Oh, no.
Those hayseeds are messing with gravity.
And yet they can't get a job? Two can play with the elements.
It's tornado time.
Finally, we'll see if Racine's hair can move.
Stop.
This has gone too far.
I'll just give them back the magic book.
- I wish you wouldn't.
BOTH: Great-Granny.
Do you mind if we get down from here? I had a big lunch.
Thank you.
And the ceiling needs painting.
Great-Granny, this is our niece, Sabrina.
Oh, well, aren't you just a dear? Why in creation are you looking at me like that? I'm sorry.
It's just-- I thought you were dead.
Is my makeup too pale? No.
You left us the magic book in your will.
Oh, Sabrina.
We witches live so long, that we go through several wills just to thin out all the things we tend to accumulate.
It's our version of a garage sale.
Couldn't we sit down? It really was a large lunch.
I've heard your side of the story.
Now, I wonder what would be the right thing to do.
Oh, I know.
Hear the other side.
[BELL RINGING.]
And make it snappy.
I foolishly wore a girdle.
It's all their fault.
They hog the magic book, then they bring us here to flaunt their riches.
- Oh, that's not true.
- Liar.
Did you seem them towels? [ALL SHOUTING, GRANNY WHISTLES.]
Everybody.
Stop your bellyaching.
And, Boyd, take off that ridiculous hat.
But, Granny-- Oh, Racine, I know you're unhappy but it was fair.
Now, Hilda and Zelda got the magic book, and you got what you chose: all my money.
They got all Great-Grandma's money? Yep.
And they bought a mansion and a jet and several butlers-- Don't forget tiaras for Maw Maw.
And then all the money was gone.
We didn't just spend it.
We invested some of it.
Yeah.
Who knew Chihuahua racing wouldn't take off? Uh-- Everyone? And I suppose there was no money left over for a car, right? Racine, Boyd, your trouble is not the magic book.
Stop blaming your circumstances.
You've got obstacles.
Go around them.
Yes, I heard her.
I still don't think it's fair.
And did you see all them towels that they got up in there? All right.
The next person who interrupts me is going straight to the corner.
Yes, that's right.
Let Great-Grandmother talk.
Zelda, corner.
But I was just-- ZELDA: Ugh.
- Now, get along.
Help each other.
Oh, and, Racine, unseal this house.
[DOORS AND WINDOWS OPENING.]
Finally, I'm free.
I have no place to go.
[BELL RINGING.]
I think I'll count the towels.
- I'm sorry about the aquarium.
- Oh, who cares? We still got to look at that rug in your room.
Look, clouds.
Oooh Great-Granny, will you come back and visit now that you're not dead? Well, you should come and visit me.
You'd love Florida.
Unless you burn like I do.
ZELDA: May I please be excused? Not until you've thought about what I said.
I just wish I could remember what it was.
I'm not letting my grades suffer because I don't have a car.
- Oh, really? - Yep.
Taking the bus to the aquarium.
Don't expect me before dark.
Fine.
Don't expect me to be in a good mood, because I hate the bus.
Try being on the back of a burro with the rest of your husband's possessions.
Hmm? You haven't ridden the bus lately, have you? - Any instructions, Aunt Zelda? - Take a sweater.
Okay.
Gotta go.
[ZELDA SIGHS.]
ZELDA: Grandma.
GRANNY: No.