Scrubs s02e09 Episode Script

Oh, thank God! We were looking all over for you.
Rowdy, bad.
I don't know why he always goes to your door.
- Do you have a stuffed cat? - Nothing? That's 1 4 times we've done it to him, and not one laugh.
Mark it up.
Let's get going to Elliot's.
Elliot's dad cut her off financially.
Luckily, she's got friends to rally around her.
- You got any food? - How're you holding up, hon? OK.
T alk about a deluxe apartment in the sky.
Elliot, it would really suck to lose this place.
Then again, Elliot, this place is Is that a Jacuzzi on your deck? Lately, I just feel like I'm drowning, you know? This pear is delicious.
Need help packing? As bad as things were for Elliot Oh, God, that's good.
they were going pretty well for me.
I guarantee you that's a simple case of cellulitis right there.
Actually, Dr Cox, I was watching TV last night, and they had this special on flesh-eating bacteria.
Necrotizing fasciitis.
Yes? They called it flesh-eating bacteria to sound more flashy, hook in all the idiots.
- Apparently it worked.
- Anyhoo, point being, they said it was easy to confuse cellulitis with Chompers.
Chompers was the animated, flesh-eating bacteria that narrated the special.
Look, Britney, recently I made the potentially fatal mistake of getting back together with my ex-wife who, angel that she is, is carrying the spawn of another man's seed.
So forgive me if I sound irritable when I tell you I don't care what piece of irrelevant drivel you picked off TV while you were snuggled up in your Holly Hobby PJs.
Come on, trust yourself.
I think you're wrong.
Really? - Well, I think you're - Brilliant! Necrotizing fasciitis.
That's a one-in-a-million diagnosis, son.
- One-in-a-million.
- It's nothing, sir.
Anyone could have made that call.
And yet they didn't.
The student becomes the teacher, eh, Perry? - Warms my heart.
- Thank you, sir.
I don't care about you, son! I'm trying to do something here.
Rats! He broke my rhythm.
This is just about the greatest moment of your life, huh, Newbie? Holy crap, it's David Copperfield.
Well, definitely top two.
What's that I see in your ear? Cool.
A coin.
- Do you want it? - Here, you take it.
Oh, magic! - No, top three, top three.
- Oh, God.
By showing up Dr Cox, I told the world I was no longer a child.
I was the man.
- Great diagnosis.
- You! There's Mr Flesh-Eating Bacteria, huh? Doctor, could you sign these, please? Sure.
"To my two biggest fans" Yeah, they're called "breasts.
" I know.
I'm a doctor.
Eunice, you never would have made that catch if you weren't such a nerd, sitting home alone on a Saturday night, watching some medical special on TV.
Firstly, in your face, because it was Friday night.
Secondly, I would have made the catch regardless.
If you use your head and do some homework, medicine is just basically science.
Please explain medicine to me, because without you I don't know what to do.
Admitting it is the first step.
Am I right, Ace? You are correct, sir! That's enough on that one.
We've clearly exhausted it.
- Hey, stud.
- Hello.
I hear wonder boy spanked your ass harder than I usually do.
Such a lucky foetus! Not another damn word.
Yeah, I'll say whatever I want.
Hell, yeah.
Yes, hello? Could we please get my hormonal, extremely annoying ex-wife's amnio underway? I can't wait to write that down in the baby journal.
- Could you be a bigger ass? - Could you have a bigger ass? Why does he keep going back to her? Why do people keep marrying Larry King? - He looks like a frog.
- Dr Cox and I go way back.
I just hate to see him setting himself up to get hurt.
- I'm gonna talk to him.
- Here we go.
What? Where we go? You have a habit of telling other people how to live their lives and maybe, possibly, sometimes people don't appreciate it, that's - A little.
- Please! When do I ever get involved in people's personal business? Elliot, listen to me.
You have to sit down and make a budget.
I called my mom today to see if she could convince my dad to send some cash, right? She says I should think of this as an opportunity, then she hung up on me.
- Just like that? - I may have told her she spends more money dyeing her roots than I do on groceries.
This thing is just as much her fault as it is my father's.
Neither one of them prepared me for this.
Elliot, my dad's an office supplies salesman, a bad one.
So things were a little different for me growing up.
See, this is a bicycle bell.
Now, you hold onto this, because I'm gonna give you a different part every year.
Maybe after the party we can take it out for a spin.
- Great.
- OK? Still waiting on that kickstand.
It's just hard for me because I've always had everything.
I got used to it.
You guys never had to deal with that.
Yeah, we're lucky.
I think patients are like snowflakes.
No two are alike.
We've got two new admissions, both male, both mid-40s, both with thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura.
I bet that snowflake thing is bogus, too.
I say we let Super Doc here take 'em.
Are you too busy eating sour grapes? Oh, look who peeked in his shorts and found a pair.
Do you feel like you finally took on the old man in a game of one-on-one and kicked his ass? Here's the newsflash there, Skeech, it was a fluke.
- I'll do it again.
- All right, fair enough.
Here's your chance.
Two identical patients.
I say we divide 'em up, just like in The Parent Trap.
One goes with the sexy, freewheeling bachelor dad, hello.
The other goes with the neurotic, sexually-repressed mom, just you all over.
And I checked tonight's TV listings.
There is no special on that disease, so you're gonna wanna stop at the Blockbuster.
Please, I know all there is to know about thrombotic thrombo cyto top toppy.
Thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura.
Yeah, baby, just walk right by him.
OK? Just walk right by him.
I'm proud of you.
I'm so proud of you.
Dr Cox, hi.
Dammit, I said walk right by him! Listen, we just think that getting back with Jordan might be a mistake.
You guys just don't seem to - What am I trying to say, baby? - I don't know.
You just don't connect the way a couple should.
Do you know what I mean? That pretty much the way you feel about it there, Gandhi? I don't know.
Interesting.
Mr Bragin, it is so great to see you back in the hospital.
I got a tube in my penis.
You're just a little dehydrated from the chemo.
Plus, there are no signs of your pancreatic cancer.
You should be ecstatic.
Nine months ago I told you you had eight months to live.
Remember? - I vaguely recall that.
- Yeah, of course you do.
That is totally my fault.
Who knew we could cure cancer? I prepared myself, you know? I was really ready.
Yeah.
Dr Reid, have you ever faced your own mortality? Before senior prom I tried to wax my own eyebrows and took them both clean off.
Yeah.
And by that, I mean "no.
" Never.
Must have been a tough time for you.
Sure.
Thanks for starting the Solumedrol on my TTP patient.
I'm sorry I'm being such a pain about this guy.
Dr Cox and I have this little competition going.
I know that probably seems insensitive to you Sweetheart, you don't have to explain yourself to me.
But get your story straight when you come face-to-face with Jesus.
The chart for Dr Cox's TTP patient.
I could look and see, but I'm not that insecure about my I will get it.
Yes! He's doing the exact same thing.
When you work in a hospital, and things are going well, you should enjoy it, because around every corner there's something waiting to take it all away.
Dr Reid, I need to talk to you about your patient, Mr Bragin.
Isn't it great? He's cancer-free.
Yay! He's suing you for malpractice.
It's OK.
Relax.
I told him how I felt, he listened, and nobody got hurt.
It's fine.
Which one of you two's been messing with my business? Of course, every once in a while you manage to get away scot-free.
Hey, Dr Cox.
You'll be happy to know that I did everything for my patient that you did for yours.
My God, I care so little I almost passed out.
Hey, Ace, your TTP patient coded.
I pronounced him.
- He died? - I certainly hope so.
Otherwise that autopsy's going to be a bitch.
- Boy, that's tough.
- What? I'd talk you through this, but I gotta go check on my patient.
You see He's still alive.
Oh, no.
How the hell did my patient die? You started corticosteroids, so did l.
You did plasmapheresis, so did l.
You yelled at Mark the orderly, so did l.
Hey, Mark.
- See, he's pissed.
- Because his name is Frank.
Now, as far as your patient's concerned, Newbie, I'm afraid you forgot a very important thing.
For whatever reason I was fed up.
I've been working my ass off here for the last year and a half, and the last thing I need is another one of your condescending speeches where you spoon-feed me some lesson and call me a girl's name.
Have it your way there, Carol, cos I'm out.
- Good luck, everyone.
- Go ahead.
Walk away.
Because I'm not gonna obsess about this.
Can you put a rush on this autopsy? I gotta figure this out.
You got some crumbs in his hair.
A lawsuit? So you're suing me because you're not dying? I didn't want to face my mortality.
You forced me to.
Now I can't earn any money because my job seems trivial.
I can't be in a relationship, cos what's the point? Here's the topper.
Remember my judgmental father I hadn't spoken to in 1 5 years? Good news, doc, we've patched things up.
Guess who's coming over Saturday to watch the game and tell me what a jerk I am? You asked how much time you had left! - You said I'd be dead by now.
- You're not! So, sue me! - I am.
- It was a figure of speech.
And your dad was right about you.
- You tell him yourself.
- Hey, Assface.
Hiya, Pops.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Jordan! Carla has something she'd like to tell you.
Carla.
I didn't mean to upset you, even though everything I said was true and you know it.
Baby, that is a God-awful apology, just God-awful.
It's cos she's not really sorry.
Honey, I know your type.
It's easy to see other people's problems from up there on your pedestal.
But you better be careful, cos if you fall off and have to walk around down here with the rest of us, you might catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror, or the surface of a pond, your boyfriend's gigantic, shiny head, and trust me, you're not gonna like what you see.
My head's not A little help here! I'm sorry, kid.
I didn't see anything unusual.
Couldn't he have bled out or had an Ml? I don't know.
I didn't look for any of those basic things because I'm horrible at my job.
Dr Walch.
Murder She Wrote.
You caught me.
I'm checking on my patient.
- How is that guy doing? - Not great.
What in the hell is going on in here? The amnio triggered premature labour.
She's only 24 weeks.
Cut it out right now.
- Is he yelling at me? - Yes, he is.
I'm gonna give you a shot of Terbutaline.
And you know what else? He said I had a fat ass before.
The nice kind.
Look, I don't get a lot of women in here.
What's your honest opinion of these drapes? They're fine, Ted.
But I'm getting sued.
You're right.
You're right.
You're right.
- Now, by "fine" - Ted! - Just time to calm down now.
- I'm fine.
Actually, I was talking to myself.
Now, you haven't discussed the lawsuit with Mr Bragin, have you? A lawsuit? It sort of came up, yeah.
Oh, God! Tell me you didn't antagonize him.
- So sue me! - Or admit fault.
That is totally my fault.
Oh, come on! A good lawyer couldn't win this case.
New drapes.
They're awful.
Dr Kelso, why does everything keep happening to me? Take a breath, Dr Reid.
In and out.
That's it, that's it.
Now, you went to four years of college and four years of medical school, so I can safely presume that you are at least eight.
My God, little girl, grow up and say "how-do" to the world of modern medicine.
My God.
I've been sued four times.
- Ten times.
- Come on, Ted, let's go.
Let's go! I think you should go in there and apologize.
No.
I didn't say anything that wasn't true.
I just wanna see if she's OK.
She's fine.
Would you please have the nurse covering Jordan page me the moment she wakes up? - Sure.
- Thank you.
Hey, Dr Cox, I'm sorry.
I was frustrated before, so now I'm here, why don't you tell me what I forgot? - Can l? Really? - Sure.
Hit me.
- How about go to hell, Shakira? - What? Now you've decided you're ready to listen, how does it work? Gonna pull a string on my back? Step right up and give it a tug.
But I bet it keeps coming up, "Go to hell, Shakira.
" Why do you always have to be like that? I try harder than anyone and you never give me any credit.
You listen to me.
I'm not doing this because I get my jollies being your mentor, and I'm not doing it so years from now I can say, "Boy, I knew him when.
" I'm doing it because if I don't, people would die.
Thanks for your help.
You know what, Mr Bragin? I figured something out.
- That damn nurse broke my bed.
- That's just it.
You blame everyone else for anything that goes wrong.
Like this.
The nurse didn't break your bed.
You just press this button.
All right, it is broken.
If you hate your job, switch careers.
If you can't get a relationship, you have problems.
And I know I'm right.
I'm the same.
I blame my parents for not preparing me, this hospital for taking up all of my time.
I'm even blaming you for jeopardizing my future.
But you know what? It's time for me to grow up and start holding myself accountable.
- And I'm doing it.
- Good for you.
You're still suing me, aren't you? Yeah, but I feel like now you'll be able to handle it.
You know what? We're just gonna have to get him fixed.
Good news is, he doesn't need to go to a vet.
We could just pop these things right off.
Yes! Baby, you have got to tell JD, because he is not gonna believe it.
Jordan was right about me.
I'm insecure and I judge people to cover up for it.
Even right now, all I can think about is to tell you you're a surgeon now, and you have to start acting like an adult.
You had to say all of that? You don't listen unless people spell it out for you.
- Oh, my God, I can't stop.
- Baby Maybe it's something you need to work on.
I promise you, I will never ever tell you what to do, ever again.
Yeah, you will.
But with me it's OK, because I love you.
Besides, I barely listen anyway.
C'mon, Rowdy.
Let's go, boy.
Let's head up the fourth floor.
Whoa! Whoa, boy! Slow down! As I sat there, searching for answers about my patient, I realized that I still needed Dr Cox.
It's hard to face a harsh truth about yourself.
The only thing you can do is try to take positive steps.
Unfortunately, it's hard to take positive steps when you've burned the bridge you need to walk across.
It was luck.
- What? - The thing that you forgot.
T urns out, whatever you know about medicine, ultimately luck or fate or God or who knows what is always gonna end up playing a much bigger role than you and I ever will.
It was lucky you were watching that show the other night, and it was unlucky that your patient went the other way, even though you did everything right, and for the record, you did.
I was looking over your shoulder every step of the way.
- Thanks.
- It wasn't a favour, Newbie.
It was my job.