Sledge Hammer! s02e09 Episode Script

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Cut! You've ruined my shot for the last time, you hear me, old man? Mr Shmielman, I'm not simply comfortable working with these speciaI make-ups.
In the old days, I always played a vampire without fangs.
Oh, yeah? Well, now you can play it without a job.
You're fired.
Zeff, get over here! Throw this senile old loser off my set.
I want him out of my sight! Now! I'm so sorry, Mr Lagarski.
Why don't you come along with me? Unhand me, sir.
Vincent Lagarski always makes his exits alone.
'Famed horror film star of the '30s, Vincent Lagarski, 'passed away quietly tonight.
'He was 76.
'Lagarski was working on a comeback film - Touch Of The Vampire.
'He's survived by a daughter.
' - So sad when an old movie star dies.
- Actors.
The only time a man should wear make-up is after he's been embalmed.
How do you always manage to say horrible things? It's easy, I just use the English language.
Oops, spilled salt.
Bad luck.
You know what you have to do.
Those superstitions are ludicrous, Doreau.
All right, if it'll make you happy.
Must have heard some bad news.
Couldn't act his way through a PoliGrip commerciaI.
A vampire without teeth? Method crap.
You! You! Oh, no! You see? Just like I said, every last drop of blood's been drained from his body.
I haven't seen a man bled this dry since the Dekorean divorce.
Take a look at that wound on his neck.
I haven't seen anything like this in my 12 years as a coroner.
Haven't seen anything like this in my 6 years as a cop.
I haven't seen anything like this in my 49 years as a man.
- Sledge, you're only 40.
- I was a man 9 years before I was born.
What's the details on Mr Rigor Mortis? It's Steven Shmielman, a movie director.
We haven't located any of his next of kin.
Just as well.
I'd hate to see a relative view that body.
He's white as a sheet.
Don't worry, I'll fix him up.
I keep a sun lamp down at the morgue.
Bye.
Insp Hammer, the only interesting thing we've found is this script.
This must be the movie the poor joker was working on before he bought it.
That's the movie Vincent Lagarski was working on when he died.
Sledge, I think we should go to the studio that's making this movie.
- Are you Zeff Campbell, the producer? - Police officers.
Thank you, gentlemen.
We just got the call that Steven is late because he's late.
What happened? I'm gonna be blunt with you.
Your director was murdered.
His demise was meant to appear to be death by um - .
.
by a vampire.
- A vampire? Got any idea what sort of person would want to drain a director of all his blood? Any William Morris agent.
I am in a totaI state of shock.
First my star now my director.
- I thought yesterday was a nightmare.
- What happened? Shmielman threw a fit on the stage and fired Vincent Lagarski.
Poor old man was doing his best.
Can anybody else fill me in on Shmielman? Our co-star Jessica Novak, but keep in mind, she is the most upset of all of us.
She suffered a tremendous personaI loss.
- Were she and Shmielman intimate? - No, no.
All of her close-ups have been cancelled for today.
Well, thank you.
- Miss Novak, would you mind? - I'm sorry, no autographs please.
- I'm ravaged.
- We're not fans.
- Tell us about Shmielman.
- Steven? Yes, dear Steven.
He was a genius a great artist and a wonderfuI human being.
Without him I don't know what I'll do! Actually, Miss Novak, we'd prefer to ask questions of a more investigatory nature.
That's all the statement I care to give.
Now would you like to take a photograph? Why would we want to do that? Aren't you Aren't you press? No, we're not press, we're police officers.
Are you telling me that I've just wasted a perfectly brilliant crying jag on a couple of non-media peons? Hey! Listen to me, you've gotta listen to me.
It's true, it's true, I swear.
I saw Vincent Lagarski last night.
He was walking the streets in his cape, big as life.
You've spent too much time in Margarita-ville.
Listen to me, Vincent Lagarski has risen from the grave.
Why doesn't anyone believe me? Cos you're a stinkin' drunk spreading wild rumours.
Why don't you sober up and get a job? - I already have a job.
- Really? What is that? I'm Chairman of the S-S-SchooI Board.
He's telling the truth.
Hey, you, I'm telling ya, I saw Vincent Lagarski out in the street It was that dead guy, Vincent Lagarski, from the movies.
Not another space cadet.
What's going on? I'm taking this report from this civilian who claims she saw that deceased actor.
- Lagarski? - That's right.
I was on a street corner minding my own business, my body, when this guy introduced himself as Count Vora.
He said he wanted to bite me in the neck and suck out all my blood.
- What did you do? - I said it'd cost 20 bucks so he took off.
Were those red marks on your neck from him? Nah, one of your cops gave 'em to me when I was riding up in the elevator.
Doreau, I know what you're gonna say and the answer is "impossible".
You can't ignore the supernaturaI overtones of this case.
I only put credence in things absolutely proven to exist.
I don't believe in vampires, in ghosts, UFOs, the Warren Report - they're all malarkey.
Well, I'm not afraid to admit it.
- This case gives me the creeps.
- Sorry, Doreau, I don't scare that easily.
- Oh, Hammer, did you get the message? - What? Your ex-wife called.
She said last month's alimony cheque got lost.
You're gonna have to send her another one.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! 'The late actor Vincent Lagarski 'is getting more publicity in death than he did in life.
'Numerous city residents have reportedly sighted the deceased film star.
'Police refuse to comment and are remaining silent 'on their investigation of the murder of movie director Steven Shmielman.
'Our station will be showing severaI of Lagarski's old films.
Here's a preview.
' Ah, the children of the night.
What music they make! I am lovely, lovely, lovely And bubbly, bubbly, bubbly Bubbly, bubbly, bubbly Mmm! Yo? Yeah, Doreau.
Who? What?! When? Why? All right, I'll be right over.
I forgot to ask where.
- Why all the extra police photographers? - They're not police, they're paparazzi.
Come on, come on.
- Who found the body? - Landlord.
Zeff called him when Jessica didn't turn up for their date.
- He's afraid to leave the house.
- He should be.
His stupid flick is claiming more lives than World War Two.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- That's not all, Sledge.
Some people believe they saw a man running through the hallway in a cape.
What the hell's going on around here? Is Lagarski dead or what? It's time we found out once and for all.
Unbelievable, absolutely incredible.
I just cannot believe this.
Has this entire city taken leave of its senses? Victims drained of blood? A dead actor walking the streets? I've got officers requisitioning everything from garlic to wooden stakes! You turned me down for those six months ago.
Doreau, I can't condone belief in the occult.
What is the most logicaI way to proceed amidst this nonsense? We should exhume Lagarski's coffin and see if he's dead or alive.
Exhum Exhumation? Exhumation, exorcism, what's the difference? Only you can issue the order to dig him up.
I'll look like a fooI.
I can't let the department think I believe in this mumbo jumbo.
I won't say a word to anyone, sir.
All right, all right, I will approve of the exhumation if you will promise to keep it discreet.
I promise, sir.
Hammer! Buy a dictionary and learn the definition of discreet! I have not said a word to anybody, sir.
I'd like to apologise for Sledge bringing this here, but I couldn't stop him.
Well, we have to open it sometime.
- Let's get this over with.
Open it up.
- What do you expect to find in there? Something that will make us all feeI a lot better, Majoy - a rotten, stinking corpse.
Lagarski is survived by a daughter, right? Yes.
She'd been living with him.
If his daughter wants to survive, she'd better answer some questions.
I'm telling you the truth.
My father's body was cremated.
Burying that empty coffin was a formality for the estate.
You're telling us your father's positively dead? I should hope so.
Last week, I spread his ashes all over the 605 Freeway.
His last request? No, I was driving too fast with the top down.
Come.
Follow me.
Let me share something with you.
This room is testimony to my father's genius.
Everything you need to know about him is in this room.
Well, not everything, Miss Lagarski.
Tell me why your father's director and co-star are dead.
Tell me why every shmo has seen the old man roaming the streets like a boogieman.
- Tell me that, Miss Lagarski.
- I've no idea what you are talking about.
Neither do I.
Ms Lagarski, under what circumstances did your father pass away? He was watching television and he just quietly went to sleep and never woke up.
I hope he wasn't watching Mr Belvedere.
I'd hate to think the old fellow went out suffering.
Oh, but how my father did suffer! He was dealt the cruellest punishment an actor can receive.
He was forgotten.
Unappreciative youngsters masquerading as artists made him feeI old and worthless! Congratulations.
That little acceptance speech for Best Supporting Psycho just revealed a motive, girly.
- I'm taking you in for murder.
- Sledge, let's not jump to conclusions.
- Come on - Unhand my daughter! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Vincent Lagarski, back among the living.
It comes as no surprise to me.
I'd already suspected you were alive.
When did you first suspect? - When you said, "Unhand my daughter" - Put away your weapon, sir.
I admit to my little hoax, but I certainly didn't intend for my beloved daughter to be incarcerated because of it.
- What exactly did you intend? - Isn't it obvious? I wanted to enjoy the accolades and tributes you can only die to receive.
To further perpetuate my legend, I shocked this city with my nocturnaI appearances, culminating in what's to be the greatest comeback of all time! Yes! My return from the grave! - Does that answer your question? - At least.
It doesn't answer mine.
Why did you kill Shmielman and Novak? I haven't killed anyone.
You already made yourself dead.
Come on, you're both under arrest.
So how did you drain all that blood out of those bodies? Bite 'em in the neck? - I've no idea what you're talking about.
- It was the daughter, right? She's got fangs from a bungled orthodontic procedure, am I right? Well, I'll figure it out sooner or later.
Doreau, stop being such a worrywart.
That nutty actor and his daughter are in custody.
The case is closed.
Now, try to get some sleep.
Campbell.
What is this, Halloween? You look ridiculous.
Shut up! I heard on the news Lagarski's death was a fraud.
A dead man can't prove his innocence, but a live one can.
You killed Shmielman and Novak, you geek.
Why? Jealousy.
Steven and Jessica were lovers.
I desired her, but she mocked me, tried to make me feeI unworthy, unattractive.
Well, you are.
Technically, the film was finished when I killed Steven, but doing so the day before the officiaI completion meant Meant you'd collect on the insurance.
Why did you kill Jessica? - Because she continued to reject you? - That was one of the reasons.
The other was for the publicity.
This film will make a mint by the time it's released.
But without a dead Lagarski as my scapegoat, I've got to ensure I don't get caught and that means .
.
killing you.
Take a hike, Campbell, will ya? I'll arrest you manana.
Right now, I feeI kinda drained.
An appropriate choice of words, Mr Hammer.
Ahhh! Yaaaaaaaaaaah! You maniac! - Now look what you've done! - Calm down, I only winged him.
A pitifuI excuse for a human being.
This whole affair has been just ghastly.
Yeah.
Probably be a terrific movie.
The only person who wasn't a monster was the old man who was playing one.
Vincent Lagarski.
What do you think will happen to him? What happens to any old-time movie star.
- What's that? - He'll live forever.
Ah, the children of the night.
What music they make!