Son of a Critch (2022) s02e09 Episode Script

1
- Bon-jour tout le mond-e!
-
French class.
-
- Bonjour, ma Sœur Rose.
I hated it.
-
- Comment allez-vous ?
The Newfoundland accent
was not meant to parlez-vous.
Can anyone in this class form
even one sentence in French?
Mr. Critch?
The only French words I knew
were the ones that meant
the same in English.
-
- Je suis
-
- Allé à la matinée
-
- Avec ma fiancée
-
- Encore !
I barely knew any French
but that was still more
than my French teacher knew.
-
- Bien.
-
- Bi-en!
Anyone else?
You're a brain, idiot.
There was nothing
more shameful at school
than being smart.
You'll all have to do much
better before our European trip!
Each year, the grade eights travelled
to Europe for French immersion!
Who didn't love France?
France is a horrible place, children.
Bicycles. Nude statues.
The foul stench of wine and cheese
intermingling on the lips
As they
French kiss.
That is why I expect you to
behave the way Jesus would have.
Like North Americans!
I knew that the French would get moi.
Romance, art, Jerry Lewis movies?
I could reinvent myself there!
And maybe impress Fox
with my "je ne sais quoi."
-
- Excusez-moi, madame ?
-
- Est-ce que je vous connais ?
-
- Croyez-vous en l'amour ?
-
- L'amour ?
-
- L'amour est aussi proche que mes lèvres.
Hey, dumbass!
Why is it so close?
What?
That can't be right.
Luckily, we don't have to go to France,
for France has come to us.
St. Pierre and Miquelon
is a tiny French island
just 19 kilometres off
the coast of Newfoundland.
What a rip! That's not France.
En français !
-
- Zut alors ! Ça c'est de la merde !
Fox was fluent in swearing,
but Sister Rose hadn't heard those words
in either language.
Excellent, Fox.
When England won the
seven years' war in 1763,
they got Newfoundland,
and France got these two tiny islands.
So we are going to France.
Technically.
No Eiffel Tower, no Louvre.
My dreams were "fini."
It's three friggin' hours on a bus!
You better sit with me.
Well, then again
I don't want to be
stuck with some loser.
Impossible!
N'est pas français.
Please, can I go?
I don't know, Mark, it's awful far.
Almost four-hour drive with the ferry.
Well
I suppose I could chaperone, you know?
I haven't been abroad before.
You had your chance with two world wars.
Weren't too concerned about
seeing France back then, were ya?
Colour-blind.
I think it could be lovely for him
to see the world before he dies.
Whoa, who said anything
about dying here?!
I-I guess I could ask?
Hey, excellent. Heh!
Now, just leave a little room
in your suitcase for duty-free.
Hm? Hm.
So ?
All right.
Yes!
- Mike?
- Mm-hm?
I had a thought.
Mm-hm?
With Mark and Pop gone to Europe
Oh, yeah.
And Mike Jr. at work
Yes, yeah
We're gonna have the
house all to ourselves
Mm-hm.
All alone
For the first time in seventeen years.
We could get to bed a little bit early.
I could use the sleep!
Windows stay closed.
No unscheduled bathroom breaks.
Like Moses and the Red Sea,
this aisle will remain parted.
Those are the rules!
Excuse me, Sister
Do you mind if I just
squeeze past your arse?
Boys and girls!
Bonjour, mes amis !
Woo! Next stop Europe!
Excited?
It's not real France.
It's just a knock-off.
Oh, come on!
Where's your sense of
adventure, Little Miss Red, huh?
Do you know what St.
Pierre is famous for?
Sucking?
No.
Rum running!
Prohibition!
See, booze used to be illegal
then, like drugs are today.
Oh no, St. Pierre was
a bootlegger's dream!
Now, quiz!
Who knows who Al Capone is?
The gangster?
Yeah!
He's Robert De Niro!
From The Untouchables!
- Oh, yeah!
- Will you two shut it?
Go ahead, old man.
I mean, Mr. Critch.
Hm, well, he needed illegal
booze for his night clubs,
so he had 80 boats sneaking
300,000 cases a month from
St. Pierre to Newfoundland,
and then they'd smuggle them
across the border to the States.
He got so rich he built a church
just so that everyone
would look the other way.
Okay. That's pretty bad-ass!
Oh, yeah.
Can we go see the church?
Sure, Sister Rose would love that!
I was beginning to doubt
Pop's reasons for coming.
How do you know so much about it?
I won't have you filling their
heads with legends and lies.
And I don't know what possessed
you to sign on as a chaperone,
but I know that you could
only be possessed by the devil.
Just clear the aisle, Sister.
Those are the rules.
This was going to be a long trip.
France!
Words escaped me.
Mostly because I wasn't good at French.
Did we drive in a circle?
This place looks just like home.
This sucks.
I thought Fox would
fall in love with France,
and me, but I guess some
things just don't translate.
-
- Écou-tez, l'enfants !
-
- Main-tenant, le français sale-ment !
French
immersion became submersion
as Sister Rose drowned
in the foreign tongue.
-
- L'enfants ! Le museum!
-
- Allez-vous, toute-lemonds!
Oh my Lord.
I never realized you
had such a potty mouth.
-
- Madame ?
-
- Avec moi ?
The only thing that sucks
more than your French
is this trip.
Exotic.
Oh, no.
No
Mary?
Who broke the table?
It's just the two of us
tonight, so I took the leaf out.
Hm?
What's this?
French onion soup.
Alice lent me the bowls.
I figured everybody else was in France,
so we should be too.
Onion soup? I-I don't like onions.
There aren't any onions in it, silly!
It's just hot water and
French onion soup mix!
What's all this, then?
Swiss cheese.
Swiss, French!
I need a passport just to eat my supper!
Is there any turkey left?
You couldn't get laid out of
a chicken's arse, ya know that?
Good God!
I'm trying to be romantic, ya arsehole!
When do we ever really talk?
All you ever do is talk!
Oh, and you never listen!
I'll get it!
You couldn't get laid
in a cage full'a monkeys
with a fist full'a bananas!
Hello?
You have a collect call from
Hey, Dad, it's me Mark
and everything's okay
but a bird pooped on me
but that's good luck, bye!
Why pay long distance
when you could jam all you had to say
into the space for the caller's name?
Will you accept the charges?
God, no.
It was like an audio postcard.
Oh, that was Mark. He's fine.
Good.
No more interruptions.
You're gonna have a
romantic night tonight
if it friggin' kills ya!
Phone's off the hook.
I know.
You know, Dad
A woman needs to be romanced.
Will you get out of it!
-
- Les îles Saint-Pierre et Miquelon
-
- étaient une plaque tournante
-
- pour la contrebande d'alcool vers les États-unis.
- What's she saying?
- Shh!
-
- Des criminels notoires s'y sont installés,
-
- notamment Al Capone.
She just said "Al Capone"!
Your pop was right!
Ah, yes! Good ear.
-
- Joyeux Noël!
-
- Y a-t-il des questions ?
-
- Madame ?
-
- Oui, madame ?
-
- Qu'est-ce que c'est ?
-
- Une guillotine.
-
- Ça gère !
-
- Oui, très bien !
Brain!
- What a loser!
- Silence!
As you can see, my students
speak French fluently.
If you like, you could
practice your English for a bit?
Uh my English?
Uh, yes, I speak English very well.
Al Capone's hat.
Huh.
Is that so?
If the nun can frig off, so can we.
-
- Excusez-moi ?
-
- Vous allez où ?
Sorry. No speak-ez le French-ez.
Pop was up to no good,
but this was my chance to
show Fox my sophisticated side.
Patrick?
Patrick?
Rosy!
Aah! Jesus!
Shh, they'll hear
you, for goodness sake.
Besides, we're in a house of worship.
It's a little late for
you to find God, isn't it?
Somebody must be looking down on me.
They brought me to you, didn't they?
Oh, don't start!
Tell me the real reason you're here.
Fine.
So, it was 1925.
You had just broken my heart,
so I came to St. Pierre,
where I'd heard that this
Capone fella needed some guys
to row rum out to the schooners
where the coast guard couldn't find 'em.
They were paying a
fortune, 50 cents a gallon.
I'd never seen money like that.
I've never been good with temptation.
Well
Are you coming to hear
the rest of my confession?
-
- Où est votre professeur ?
Uh
What's the French word for "chaperone"?
Voilà !
Real French cheese.
Ha-ha!
You know, their cheese
doesn't come in slices.
No?
Uh, jars of whiz, then?
They have all kinds.
Camembert, brie, and my favourite
Bleu !
Ugh, that stuff reeks.
You really had it before?
Le fromage bleu ?
All the time!
I have it with a cream cracker
with a cup of tea at bed time.
Goes down smooth.
Uh
I think it's a little off.
It's supposed to be rotten, dumbass.
But you knew that, right?
Yeah.
I prefer mine more off.
Mm-hm.
Take another bite.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah!
Yeah
Oh, for the love of God, Mike,
I will shove that radio up your arse
and that'll be the only action you get.
And later on, we'll have
Nightline with Ron
Pumphrey, but first
- A request!
- Listening to our son
is a bit of a mood-killer,
there, Casanova!
This is Mike Critch Jr.,
and this one goes out
to Mom, from Dad
Which is kind of gross.
Here's The Fureys, with
"When you were sweet sixteen."
Oh
As I've never loved before ♪
Since first I saw
you on the village ♪
Oh, Mike!
I guess I'm just out of practice.
Can't blame me for being nervous
around the prettiest girl that I've
Ah!
Shut up and help me
move the beds together.
I love you as I loved you ♪
When you were sweet sixteen ♪
We were whatever
the French word for "lost" was.
Uh, I think it's this way.
-
- Blaireau ! Arrête !
French bullies!
Like the Fox brothers,
but with wine and smokes.
-
- Bonjour, mes amis.
-
- Du fromage bleu ?
-
- Tu parles français comme une vache espagnole !
-
- Ah, oui, oui. Moi, aussi.
-
- T'es un vrai sans-couilles !
-
- Va te faire cuire un oeuf, pompe à chiasse !
-
- Casse-toi donc, branleur !
When it came to French curse words,
Fox wasn't a brain, she was a genius!
-
- Ça m'est égal, espèce de plouc !
I was just about to say the same thing.
Here.
You must think I'm whatever
the French word for an idiot is.
Idiot.
No.
You were actually pretty cute.
So, can you just admit you
can read the street signs now?
It's this way.
Uh, what's a "branleur"?
You're not old enough to know.
- Sorry, come on.
- Oh
Ah! Yes, here it is!
"Abandonné."
-
- Nous sommes
-
- Abandonnés !
Brain!
Ah, hurry up!
Oh, God, this was so much
easier the first time around.
Well, what's down there
that's so damn important?
A few bottles in
my load kind of got
Went missing.
Well, they came looking
for me, but you know,
you really don't want
to be crossing Al Capone.
Find him!
I left something in this church.
I just wanted to see
whether it was still there.
Aah!
Yes!
Oh!
They'd kill me if they came back here!
But thank God they're all dead.
So screw 'em.
Now
What do you know?
Someone will hear!
Aah!
Oh, Jesus!
No, no!
Good God
Oh!
Rats' piss!
They've eaten the money!
My God, don't you people
ever clean these churches?
Someone's coming!
All right, all right, all right.
There was one more little thing.
Leave it, you old fool!
Oh-ho!
Well!
Welcome, my old beauty!
Look at that!
Où êtes-vous ?
Aah! Patrick, come on!
Hey! Ay, ay, ay
Why do you pretend you're not smart?
I mean, if I knew French like that
Every year, I get a new teacher,
and the first thing they say
is, "I taught your brothers."
From then on, I'm stupid or I'm trouble.
If I do well, they say I cheated, so
Why bother?
That's not fair.
You shouldn't hide who you are.
Look who's talking.
I'm being serious.
You're not your brothers.
You're really special.
What's what's that over there?
That's Newfoundland!
Cool!
It's pretty.
From a distance.
It's beautiful.
Thought you said France was better.
Sometimes you have to be away
from something for a while
to realize how special it really is.
Uh, France have the poodle,
but we have the Newfoundland
dog and the labrador retriever.
We even have our own time zone, and
Oh, uh, we should get going.
That guide my God.
I didn't understand
a word she was saying!
You don't speak French, do you?
Woo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, shh!
Mmm.
Mmm
- Mmm ooh!
- Oh my God!
Oh my
Oh ooh!
Yeah?
You know
There are a lot of things
that don't get better with age,
but you, my dear, do.
Sometimes you have to
be away from something
to realize just how special it is.
Because it's all too easy to take
the things we love for granted.
And now, the weather!
Tomorrow until Tuesday,
we can expect light showers
on the Avalon, followed by
Change the station, will ya?
And drizzle.
- Headin' into the weekend
- Woo!
Sacred Heart, my back!
Aah!
If you can find someone to love you
for who you really are
Well, that's what the
French call "l'amour vrai."
True love.