Speechless (2016) s02e09 Episode Script

1 Where's Ray? This is important.
Yo.
Sorry.
I was getting a few items Taylored.
That was horrible, Ray.
I hated that.
Right.
Big news.
Cerebral Palsy Foundation are giving away two tickets to the premiere of the new "Star Wars" movie.
Their phones open at 10:00 a.
m.
First caller gets the tickets.
JJ is gonna get them.
Maya, the flier says that the giveaway was Tuesday, so yesterday.
Oh, no.
It already happened.
Oh, I'm so sorry, JJ.
It looks like somebody already got those tickets.
Me! [LAUGHS.]
Mom, you got them? That's amazing! And the way you announced it You have a real flair for the dramatic.
Do I? [CHOIR VOCALIZING.]
We're going to "Star Wars"! "Not so fast.
Who should I take?" Oh, don't tease me like that.
We've seen every "Star Wars" movie together, and you know I'm the biggest fan here.
"Let's put that to the test.
" Ooh, a family quiz that also tortures Ray.
I'm in.
TAYLOR: "Dad, this" S-P "space station blew up at the end of the first movie.
" The Death Star.
- Everyone knows that.
- I didn't.
I've never seen "Star Wars.
" What? What kind of person has never seen "Star Wars"? Ooh, make a thing out of this.
I want to watch.
"Dylan, Chew-bake-a is a 'blank.
'" Awesome dude.
Correct.
No! The correct answer is "wookiee.
" You don't think Chewbacca's an awesome dude? And you want to bring this guy to the premiere? - [SIGHS.]
- "Mom, fill in the blank.
May the 'blank' be with you.
" - "Star Wars.
" - "Close enough.
" We're done.
We all know I'm going with you.
I refuse to let you torture me.
I'm not gonna dance for you.
"Or dance for me.
" Look away, Taylor.
We need to talk about how this family wields power.
Hello?! Is anyone here?! JJ forgot his notebook, and I'm just here to pick it up for him! Aaahhhhh! I fell and broke my leg! Oh, please help me! [CHUCKLES.]
I'm gonna need backup.
The old groundskeeper kept his keys.
Looks like he's about to enjoy all of the school's amenities.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, he's getting the same workout he did in his old gym, but for free.
Ah! Come quick! He's turned on all the showers, and it's a steam room now! He's eating froyo, and it's a lot because there's no one here to judge him.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm starting to think this guy's never gonna get caught! [LAUGHS EVILLY.]
- JIMMY: Morning, JJ.
- MAYA: Morning, darling.
"I was" T-H "thinking it would be fun to take a car to the" P-R "premiere.
" - I don't know, sweetheart.
- 'm more comfortable driving you.
"I'd pay.
" - Oh, go nuts.
- Have a nice ride.
"Sound good?" So, you are taking me? [R2-D2 BEEPS.]
And you're answering in R2-D2? "We'll have to leave at 4:00.
" Oh, 4:00 no worky.
I have plans.
"Let me guess With Taylor?" And her brother Logan, who you hate.
- Dylan! - Provocateur's gonna provocatoo.
Are you sure you're okay with not going? Are you kidding me? It'll be great to have them out of the house.
One requires so much attention and has all these needs.
And then there's JJ.
She has a point.
It's never just the three of us, and those guys dictate a lot of what we do.
It'll be fun! We'll do exactly what we want, just Mum, Dad, and Dylan.
You guys can call it Mom-Da-Dyl night! - It's our night.
Thank you.
- Thank you so much.
We don't need a name.
Bye.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Excuse me, everyone.
I have some very disturbing news.
Last night, our dear school was violated by an act of vandalism.
The perpetrators gained entry, accessed the frozen-yogurt machine, and left it running, which ruined the floor.
Sadly, he or she was wily enough to avoid our security cameras.
[QUIETLY.]
Security cameras? Be very careful.
If you encounter this vandal, please, don't be a hero.
Let them do whatever they want to you.
- Dr.
Miller, don't freak out.
- What? There was no vandal.
I did it.
W-Wha-What do you mean? I still have my keys from when I was a groundskeeper, and I come here at night sometimes.
It's a good hang.
My gym fees went up, and so I started to work out here after hours.
Could I please keep the keys? Nobody has ever said my school's a "good hang" before.
I put so much work into it, and finally someone cares.
Kenneth, you come back any time you want.
Just you be more careful, you old froyo hound.
[CHUCKLES.]
What are you staring at? India Herzfeld? I heard she has a modeling contract, and there's a billboard of her in Tokyo, and everyone who drives by it gets in a car crash and dies.
She saw us staring.
Look away.
[SIGHS.]
Even her shadow's hot.
Nice shirt.
How did you get it? "It came with my tickets to the" P-R "premiere.
" You're going to the premiere? I would give anything to go to that premiere.
RAY: Mom! JJ, that is a jerk move.
You promised the ticket to Ray.
Ha.
See? But I did give you the tickets, so the choice is yours.
But you really got to ask yourself, when you look back, will you feel good about Will you let me finish the sentence? So, you're gonna go alone with this stranger? What if she needs to help you? I haven't seen her Japanese billboard, but I'm pretty sure she's not giving a guy a bathroom transfer.
Oh, Japan is weird.
"So, I won't drink.
Worth it.
" So that's it? I just get cast aside for the first gorgeous international model that comes around? I'm very dateable.
Ask Taylor.
Or Mom! Aw.
All right, let's have a look at this India Herzfeld.
Ooh, yeah, no, I get it.
Yep, yep, yep.
My own brother, tossing me aside like a piece of garbage.
- And it's "Star Wars.
" - So sad.
How would you know? You've never even seen it.
I'm sorry.
I'm lashing out.
But watch it soon.
- Why don't you try to go? - How? JJ got the hookup through a cerebral palsy group.
What am I supposed to do? Find someone else with cerebral palsy to take me? Ohh, that would drive JJ crazy.
Hey, Logan.
Do you like "Star Wars"? - I like screwing over JJ.
- That works.
This is fun, just us three.
I've always wanted to express my artistic side, but there's never time.
Also, Ray would never let you paint the curb red so people can't park in front of the house.
He shouldn't have gone out.
You know, I'm starting to take some pride in this place.
I just wish every house on the block didn't have a nicer mailbox than ours, you know? Why can't you say "The Fredricksons" in a nice red script? Well, if you'd take your turn, we could do that next.
Nah, your guys' stuff is more fun.
Besides, this thing's fine.
I defy you to find a mailbox with better timing.
[R2-D2 BEEPING.]
RAY: Here it goes.
Wish me luck.
Let me handle this.
I've got a way with people.
Work your magic.
Yeah, give us tickets.
I can't do that.
Well, no luck.
Let's get tacos.
[BEEPING.]
Oh, JJ.
You're looking well.
- "What are you doing here?" - I'm here with Logan.
We're already having a lovely time.
We were just on our way to get tacos.
After! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Thank you for bringing me here.
Oh, right.
Maybe there's a ramp? [BEEPING.]
JJ, over here.
[BEEPING.]
[SQUEALS.]
[BEEPS.]
He drives down the lane.
He shoots and he scores! - Oh, and the crowd goes wild! - [SCREAMS.]
Oh! What are you doing here?! I'm here to watch.
Well, you said Lafayette was a "good hang.
" I want to see what that means, so just act like I'm not here.
But you are.
Well, it's only fair, Kenneth.
I did let you keep the keys.
Have fun.
Bounce your ball.
Uh Yeah, I don't think this works with you standing right there.
I understand.
I-I'll just go watch on the security cameras in my office.
Uh JIMMY: [BREATHLESS.]
Uh, that's a [SIGHS.]
fun run, Dylan.
[BREATHLESS.]
That's how fast you normally run, is it? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, Mom, Dad.
You work so hard to be funny.
She's funny! - I wasn't trying to be funny.
- "Work so hard"? Okay, then.
Dad's turn next.
What should we do? Huh.
What do I want to do? I got nothing.
You guys choose.
Dylan and I have gone three times.
You pick.
Uh seriously, I'm down for whatever.
No, don't say "whatever.
" Oh, Jimmy, okay.
Try this.
Close your eyes.
Now, you can do anything you want in the whole world.
Just pick something.
And you're having fun.
What are you doing? - Whatever.
- Oh, bloody hell, Jimmy.
Hey, listen.
You guys figure out what we're gonna do.
Think of me as the family genie.
With a budget of like six bucks.
I'll find out what he wants.
Give me 10 minutes alone with him and full immunity.
No.
I gave you full immunity once before.
Never again.
And I know things he wants, but I think we've broken him.
I mean, he gives and he gives, but he won't take anything for himself.
We just have to find a way of giving it to him without him knowing.
- You can do that? - Oh, yeah.
It's how I got a second car.
And a third kid! [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS.]
RAY: All right, follow my lead.
Hi.
We're here to pick up our VIP passes.
I'm actually in the movie.
Who do you play? Oh, they had us sign something, so I can't tell you.
Nice try, though.
Pretty tricky.
Next! Excuse me.
Kevin Smith, please.
Mr.
Smith.
Can you please help us get in? We are huge fans.
Oh! Of him? Who is he? Oh, my Lord.
You are so much better at this than he is.
I would like to get these boys into the premiere.
Is that possible? Of course, Mr.
Smith.
Thank you.
That's called using the Force.
[LAUGH .]
What are you laughing for? Because you said the Force is real.
The Force is real.
That's why people give me nice things all the time.
Why else would they do that? Because you're a famous director? Can I get two goodie bags for these young Jedis? Thank you.
[SARCASTICALLY.]
Because I'm a famous director.
Star Wars Hey, I know you! So, Dad, we thought about it, and there are a couple more things - we would love to do.
- Yeah? Like what? Like listen to these vinyl punk rock records.
Since when did you like punk? Oh, well, I mean, I grew up in London, and so we sort of invented it.
Yeah, well, you know, Joey Ramone and the city of Detroit might beg to differ, but Well, you know, perhaps you could teach us all about the punk whilst we listen to it.
- [PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Could you? - Yeah.
- Oh, goody.
Oh.
I had no idea you guys were into this.
I said Detroit mainly because of the MC5.
I'll turn it up, shall I? Eight years on the Sex Pistols, with all due respect.
I'm damaged beyond repair Do you want some? There are two straws.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
JJ, look.
Hi, Captain Phasma.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Oh, you're just wearing the suit for the premiere, and you're not supposed to talk? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
"Hey, I can't talk, either.
" [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
RAY: Oh, hey, JJ.
Want to play a little more "Star Wars" trivia? Which DiMeo brother gets to sit in the VIP section? Hint, hint.
May the Force be with you if it reaches back here.
Come on, Logan.
"Would you like to go on a mission?" [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
DR.
MILLER: How are you liking your frozen yogurt? It's fine! Kenneth, I can't hear you.
These cameras don't have sound.
Could you act out how the froyo makes you feel? - Oh.
- I can't do this! I can't enjoy myself while I'm being watched.
It's the main reason why I got cut from "Big Brother" so early.
That, and Sean needed to stop using my body wash.
- I'm just gonna go.
- No, Kenneth.
Uh, please.
I-I finally found someone who appreciates this place.
I'm gonna leave before I spoil that.
Oh.
I-If you type 2-1-2-1 into the vending machine, everything's free.
[LASER BLASTS FIRING.]
Excuse me.
I'm kind of a VIP.
I can't really see anything.
I think I've seen this before.
It's the premiere.
It's gonna be okay Thanks, Dad.
I've missed dancing on your feet like a little girl.
Hey, anything for you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[WHISPERS.]
I fixed the mailbox.
What's next? Maybe we should have a family jam.
You bought me those drums a long time ago, and I've never played them.
But now I really want to learn how to smack the tubs.
Yeah! We could cover your old punk band's songs.
You guys were so good.
What's going on here? The father-daughter dance, the obviously Googled drum slang.
You guys have turned Mom-Dad-Dyl night into Jimmy Night.
What? No.
[GROANS.]
I knew I shouldn't have said his band was good.
Guys, I don't need all this.
Yeah, but you deserve it.
Don't quit now.
We got one more surprise for you, out by the curb.
[PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYS.]
Get ready to be surprised.
You're gonna love it.
Oh, my God! Oh, it's nothing.
Oh! I would hardly call a '62 Falcon "nothing"! A '62 what now? Oh, ho, ho! - Oh, no, Jimmy.
- Dad, wait.
I-I know I said I didn't want anything, - but, oh, my God.
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
Wait, wait.
No, Jimmy, there's been a mistake.
I know.
You parked in the red zone.
Let me fix that! - Oh! - Hey, hey, hey! Hey! And it's full of pizzas?! You guys! The only reason why I'm sitting here is because these are the last two accessible seats not being blocked by your 8-foot goon friend.
You're ruining this.
"My girl here doesn't think so.
" She's not your girlfriend.
[SHUSHING CONTINUES.]
"Oh, yeah? Watch this.
" Oh, sure.
JJ.
I think I'm gonna get popcorn.
"Allow me.
" Stop it.
Stop it! My date said to stop it.
[LIGHTSABER IGNITES.]
Fight! Loser buys tacos.
An Emma Watson cameo? [AUDIENCE YELLING.]
Nothing can stop me now! Why did they give us lightsabers if they don't want this? Wow, you must have paid a fortune for this.
Actually, she did not.
No, No, listen, I love how tickled you are by this, and you do deserve it, but that said, the [SIREN WAILING.]
OFFICER: Pull over to the side.
I'm not speeding.
Probably thinks a guy like me couldn't own a car this cool.
I don't own a car this cool, do I? We're also on the hook for the pizza.
[LIGHTSABERS HUMMING, CLASHING.]
[DROID BEEPING.]
Ugh.
What now? [LIGHTSABERS HUMMING, CLASHING.]
"P P P.
" - Really? Now? - Shh! I got to go help JJ.
- [CLANKS.]
- Imperial stooge.
Dr.
Miller.
Dr.
Miller, don't go.
Oh, it's fine, Kenneth.
Have your fun.
Oh, I will.
And you'll enjoy it.
Let me show you my your Lafayette.
I call it Lafayette After Dark.
Do Yeah! Do the boogaloo You sure you just want a small? It's perfect.
Okay.
You got to sing off your head Do the boogaloo It splits! The end.
This is one of my favorite spots.
Some view.
Why are they up there, anyway? I just figured there'd be something to celebrate one day.
But, man, are we bad at sports.
Well, those kids might not appreciate you the way that they should, but I do.
And maybe after tonight, you will, too.
I'll eat free vending-machine snacks to that.
"Thank you for helping me.
" Yeah, sure.
You should have just taken me.
"Star Wars" is our thing.
We'd watch all the movies, then we talk about our favorite scenes and have lightsaber fights.
But then you ditched me for a girl.
"You ditched me for a girl first.
" What? Are you jealous that I have Taylor? "No, dummy.
I'm jealous that Taylor has you.
" "All your time.
" You want time with me? Do you Do you like me? "Don't make me make you say it.
" Let's see it again.
Together.
"It's a date.
" Okay, this is good.
Let's promise that from this day forward, no woman will get between us.
Forget the girls.
The brothers come first.
"Let's just say we both like 'Star Wars.
'" Yeah, that feels easier.
Thanks for the ride! Why didn't you just tell me the car wasn't for me? 'Cause you were so happy and we really wanted to give you something you wanted.
And after you'd seen the car, well, the dumb mailbox wasn't really gonna measure up.
Oh! Look at our mailbox! I wanted this, and I got it.
Feels good.
From now on, I'm gonna be better about figuring out what I want and asking for it.
And I'll tell you more clearly when you're about to steal a car.
And I learned that getting arrested isn't so bad.
[CRASH IN DISTANCE.]
[LIGHTSABERS HUMMING.]
The Force is strong with you, but you have much to learn! Ah! [GRUNTS.]
Aww, is there any force greater than the love between brothers? Okay, probably time to step in.
The water pressure in the fountains is great today, - Dr.
Miller.
- Thank you, Ray.
And the froyo rocks.
Wait.
What's going on? [ALL CHANTING "MILLER".]
Well Dr.
Miller.
I know you're waiting on something big to happen, but this school has always had something to celebrate.
Aww.
[ALL GROAN.]
Guess it's been a little while since I had the balloon drop installed.
Cool, a dead bird!