Suburgatory (2011) s02e09 Episode Script

Eek.
Ugh.
Okay, you can go ahead and rinse.
I've seen all I need to see here.
The wisdom teeth.
Those puppies need to come out.
But they don't hurt.
It's preventative.
So then wouldn't that be like amputating your arm so that you don't break it one day? Who sent you here? Give me one good reason to pull four teeth! Tessa, your dad asked me to assess whether or not your wisdom teeth needed to come out.
I'm assessing that they do.
Now rinse.
Well, I don't really need to rinse after an assessment.
You will rinse, and when I say rinse, you rinse! Okay, let's see.
We can get you in tomorrow morning, on junior secretary's day.
Oh, darn.
I had really big plans for junior secretary's day.
Just because we do sub-secretarial work doesn't mean we're subhuman.
You'll have your day tomorrow, Greta.
Stand down.
Here's your reminder card, hon.
We will see you tomorrow.
You may see me tomorrow, if I decide to have the surgery, which I haven't yet.
Okay.
Bye, Greta.
And now, salesman of the year for a record five years running, the one, the only, the killer in khakis Fred Shay! Whoo! Whoo! Mm! Mm! Mm! Well, gang, I am off to beautiful, sunny Cranston, Rhode Island.
I don't know why they even bother with this contest anymore.
They just end up sending you every darn year.
Well, I'll be back Thursday.
Group hug! Aw.
Mm.
Oh, yeah.
That's the stuff.
Mm! Lisa, you may want to consider using a stronger deodorant.
When something is painfully boring, people say it's "like pulling teeth.
" To determine the subject of tomorrow's in-class essay, each pupil will have a chance to take a spin on the thrilling say it with me wheel of topics! Oral surgery might be a nice alternative to whatever in-class essay the wheel of topics would bring.
Tessa Altman, come on down! Not medieval armor and weapons.
Please, not medieval armor and weapons.
- Yes.
- Oh! Look at that! Eleanor of Aquitaine! "You're welcome," quoth the wheel.
Well, here's the thing, Mr.
Simpkin, I'm gonna be out of school tomorrow due to some emergency oral surgery I just decided I'm having, so Eleanor of Aquitaine uh, she just might have to wait.
Hmm.
It's us.
I see that.
We were sitting on the couch.
I remember.
Exactly as we are right now.
Well, our love of sitting on couches has been immortalized.
I love it.
I hope I'm not rushing things, but I was just hoping we were at the point of joint decor.
Is that French for "no return"? No, silly.
It just means the point where we can start leaving things - at each other's places.
- Ah.
Unless you don't feel like we're ready for joint decor.
No, we absolutely are.
In fact, I have a funky old washcloth I was hoping to leave in your guest bath.
See, you're teasing, but I'm trying to take all this here to the next level.
Oh.
Well, thank you, sweetheart.
I will put it in a place of honor.
Do you have to be somewhere? Oh, no, sorry.
I I'm just I'm bracing myself for an argument with Tessa.
She's supposed to get her wisdom teeth out tomorrow.
But Noah says she's refusing.
She says it's unnecessary.
Initially, Dalia said the same thing about collagen treatments, but I got her to come around.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Tessa.
Good luck getting your wisdom teeth out - tomorrow, girl.
I'll bring you a milkshake.
- Sounds good.
Told you she'd come around.
I mean, the procedure's costly, but you know where the real money is? Big pharma.
Mm-hmm.
The guys pushing those habit-forming pain meds they get the biggest payday.
Okay, so what made you change your mind? Eleanor of Aquitaine.
Did you hear that? Sounds like it's coming from the basement.
Oh, man.
That's just great.
Well, look who it is.
Old George Altman doing the walk of shame to his cans.
Hey, Sheila.
Is that rodent excrement? Have you brought vermin into Chatswin? It's it's okay.
Don't worry.
I've already set some humane traps.
Humane traps? Rats laugh at humane traps, George.
And the only way to silence their laughter poison gas.
- Poison gas? - Okay.
I I won't be using poison gas.
Don't go all wobbly on me now, George.
I recently purchased a case of rat bombs from Australia on eBay.
Technically, they're "illegal" here, but they can take out a full-grown wallaby in under 30 seconds.
Let me go grab you one.
Thank you, Sheila, but no, thank you.
Really.
I got this.
I hope so, George, because I will be following up! This is how the black plague started! More or less! The next morning, George had a more pressing crisis to deal with one that involved general anesthesia.
How's my girl? She's great, huh? Dad.
Oh.
You came for me.
I love you.
Did anybody follow you here? What? What is she talking about? Dad, I'm talking about the wisdom teeth conspiracy thing.
And I'm not even talking about our government.
I'm talking about theirs.
Okay.
Tessa, sweetheart, you're drooling blood.
Is this reaction to the medication normal? You know, not really.
Uh, I you know, I'm 80% certain - that she's gonna be okay.
- Really? 80%? That's very reassuring.
Thank you.
How I come by later, check on her.
Sound good? Hey! Oh, Greta! How you loving those balloons, huh? Today's your special day.
I cannot stand Greta.
I'm letting her go at the end of the week.
Mm? Come on.
Ask yourself, George What is the one thing that we have that they don't have? Teeth.
Teeth! Have you ever seen an alien with teeth? Well, the alien in the movie "Alien" had huge teeth.
No, I'm talking about real aliens.
Not Hollywood aliens.
The real guys.
Right.
Get some sleep.
They're here for our teeth.
Oh, man.
We've got a live one.
All right.
Where are you? Aah! Aah! Fred?! What are you doing in my basement, dressed like the tin man? I'm hiding out from Sheila for a couple of days.
Okay.
And what's with the getup? Well, as you know, Sheila and I share a psychic connection.
She's not unlike the all-seeing eye of Sauron.
This leaden apron prevents her from peering into my soul, and the foil crown scrambles my brain waves, thus retarding Sheila's ability to read my thoughts.
Okay, you need to get out of my basement.
I can't! Winning the salesman-of-the-year award is the only thing I do that she's proud of.
And this year you didn't win? Oh, the shame, George, the shame.
Fred, she's your wife.
She loves you.
She'll understand.
Just just tell her the truth.
Listen to me, George.
At home, Sheila might enjoy a nice house cat to stroke and fondle and feed from her hand.
But out there in the world, she expects me to be a lion, red of tooth and claw! Honestly, George, my nerves are shot! All I've had to eat today is a can of beans and a few handfuls of gorp.
Mmm.
Please don't tell Sheila I'm eating carob.
She thinks it's for liberals.
What's that? This is Tessa's homework, and your opportunity to be alone with her.
And as you can see, I've organized it into folders and marked it for handy reference with color-coded tabs.
Yeah, I I don't think Tessa wants me to bring her this homework in the biblical sense.
ever since we made out on Christmas I've been giving her some space, and she's been taking it.
This is your chance to sweep Tessa off her feet.
Just imagine it.
Poor, sick Tessa, home alone, vulnerable in her bed, and you stroll in carrying all of this amazing homework, and Tessa, overcome, with trembling hands, bestows upon you the ultimate reward Touching me where the bathing suit covers! God! No.
No! Why were her hands trembling? From gratefulness.
Oh.
Right.
Gratefulness.
Young lady, are you sure that much juice is a good idea? You'll rot your teeth.
Stay away from me.
I know exactly why you're here.
Hey, look, I'm not proud of what I'm doing.
But it's for the best.
Trust me.
I don't trust you! Just wait until my father finds out you've landed.
He knows I've landed, and he's given me his blessing to be here! What's this? You've captured their souls?! I won't let you get away with this! I am already getting away with this! So you just keep your mouth shut! Oh, I'll keep it shut! I'll keep it shut, all right! You'll never get my teeth! Oh, yes, I will! Wait.
What? Whoa.
Okay.
Did you do it, George? Did you catch a rat? Oh.
Um yep.
Caught him in a humane trap.
And then I killed him.
So he's he's dead now.
I gotta go.
I'll I'll see you later.
Several years ago, George, I chaperoned a coed overnight field trip.
In preparation for that event, I memorized the FBI interrogation manual.
- Naturally.
- You're flinchy, George.
- What? - You're flinchy, and you're displaying all the telltale characteristics of a liar.
You're avoiding eye contact, you're stammering, and you're using your grocery bags as a physical barrier between us.
Uh, o okay, this is crazy.
I I'm gonna go inside now.
Okay? Bye.
Just remember, George.
If you're harboring a rat, that makes you a rat.
Knock, knock.
Dr.
Werner here for a little post-op check-in.
Oh, boy.
They've come for me.
They know I know.
But I'm glad you're here to see this, because you'll understand the facts more than anybody.
becomes official U.
S.
policy.
Hmm! That sounds familiar, Tessa! Oh, yeah.
'Cause 51 is also in "Area 51.
" Break that down further, five plus one equals six! Six the number of legs on an insect, the number of points on the star of David, the number of strings on a standard guitar, the number of cans in a six-pack, and the number of flags at a theme park! Oh, yeah! When printed three times in a row It's the number of the beast.
I I think it's time to start tapering off of these.
Uh Sheila knows.
Fred, she doesn't know.
But you are not supposed to be up here.
Get back in the basement.
Meine fraulein! Shh! Okay, no.
No, it's meine fraulein, not yours.
Go downstairs and stay cool.
Okay.
- Hey.
- Hi, daddy.
Here's that shake I promised Tessa.
Can I come see the patient? You know what? Now's not really a good time.
- What? Why not? - Well, I I'm just a little preoccupied, and I think Tessa may be resting, so we'll talk later, okay? - Well, I - Oh.
Thanks for the milkshake.
I know I'm in your way, George.
And I'm sorry, but that was a close call today.
I need to lay low.
Fred, I can't keep doing this.
I lied to Sheila, I was rude to Dallas, and I've got a kid upstairs that That doesn't need you like I need you, George! Not like I do! What? Oh, no.
Oh, God! No, please, lord! What is going on? How could I have been so stupid? The office thinks I'm home sick! It's junior secretary's day! Junior what, now? Ahh.
It's junior secretary's day, George.
I'm a junior secretary.
I'm not the salesman of the year.
They were gonna let me go, but I convinced them to keep me.
Junior secretary was the only opening they had, so I took it, George! I took it right in the pants! Oh.
So you're a junior secretary? Yeah, I get the coffee for the lady who gets the coffee.
If Sheila finds out, my marriage is over.
I'll have to live in your basement permanently.
Which is why you have to go across the street and steal that basket, so Sheila doesn't find out about my secretarial work, and I don't have to live underground like a Chilean miner! Now can I get you a coffee? Only in Chatswin was junior secretary's day an occasion that warranted gift baskets, balloon towers, and limos full of Junior secretaries.
J.
S.
D.
2013, bitches! No! Damn it! - Oh.
Oh.
- Hey, Ryan.
Mr.
Alt-man.
What up? Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
I was just, um, I was just looking for the get-well basket that I ordered for Tessa.
And wouldn't you know it? They delivered the darn thing to the wrong address.
Oh, there it is.
Oh.
Uh, looks like they got the "get well" part wrong, too.
- Uh - Bummer.
Yeah, I was just gonna bring Tessa her homework - Oh.
- As a friend.
Not as someone who's, like, hypnotized by the play of sunlight on her coppery hair or anything.
Right.
Well, of course not.
I'm sure she'll be grateful.
That's all I want, actually, is is her gratefulness.
Well, I'm just gonna pop into your house and grab that basket, which is mine anyway.
I'm just gonna pop over to your house and grab nothing.
Uh, just gonna deliver these papers to your daughter is all.
Nothing else.
Be back in 30 minutes for dinner, Ryan! I just came back from my riding lesson ugh, starving! Fred must have funked up his fleece again.
I'm not stealing.
I don't care.
I was finally off the pain killers and back to my old self, but my old self was in a lot of pain.
Fortunately, Ryan had a solution.
There.
That's what I did when I got mouth-checked in lacrosse.
Oh, my God.
Ryan, thank you so much.
That feels so much better.
You look like a bunny.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
By the way, your socks smell a lot better than mine.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- I wash 'em.
- Mm.
You mouth-checked me, too, you know.
On Christmas.
Ever since you slammed your tongue into mine, I've been thinking about what it meant to you, if anything.
It meant something.
But what? I don't know.
We tried it before.
And we're total opposites.
That's great, because opposites don't push each other apart.
They they they they do the other thing.
They attract, Ryan.
Opposites attract.
I'm super attracted to you even right now.
I mean, your face is puffy, and your gums are bloody, and your lips are dry and lusterless Ow.
That must mean something, right? Don't make me smile.
It hurts.
See? I make you smile even when it hurts to smile.
Maybe that means something, too.
Ow.
Mission accomplished.
- Your secret is safe.
- Oh! Mm.
Thank you, George.
- Mm.
Okay.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Okay.
That's enough, Fred.
You're welcome.
Ooh! Ooh, at least partake in some delicious smokehouse almonds.
They're my favorite, and you earned them.
I'm gonna go check on my kid.
Fair enough, but I can't promise these'll wait for you! Whoa! I'm sorry.
Certainly didn't mean to startle you.
Really? 'Cause kind of seems like you did.
It's just, the door was unlocked, and as neighbors, we're welcome to traipse in and out of each other's homes, aren't we, George? I thought so.
I trust you, George.
I really do.
And I know you would never lie to me.
Of course not.
So when you told me you had handled the problem in the basement, I took you at your word.
Still I just can't shake t!he feeling that maybe, just maybe the problem persists.
And if so, then perhaps it's time to use the gas.
"G'die, mate"? Sheila, no! He won't survive! Fred! Fred? That my wife you got there? I'm gonna need her back, 'cause I took an early flight home just to see her.
Hi.
Mm! Well, don't you look handsome in your riding gear? I know one pony that needs a ride.
Well - get in the house.
- Mm.
Ya! What makes a good couple work is a complete mystery.
I really like him.
But we just don't make sense on paper.
Well, I'm not sure I'm the one to be doling out relationship advice at the moment.
You see, I mistakenly thought your daddy and I had entered the joint decor stage Hey.
Where did you find this? I found that discarded like a piece of trash in your trash.
Are you kidding? George has been looking everywhere for this.
What? Well, then, why, pray tell would he throw it away? It's not trash.
It's joint decor.
No, he didn't throw it away, Dallas.
I did.
I I thought it was from outer space.
It's been a really weird day.
Oh.
Oh.
So this is all your fault.
That makes me feel so much better.
At least one of us does.
Right.
Look, Tessa, I know it isn't easy, and believe me, there's no odder couple than me and your dad.
But sometimes there's more to life than what makes sense on paper.
Thanks, Dallas.
Sure thing.
And sorry I hijacked the earlier part of the conversation to be about my love life.
But seriously, you think he's super into me, right? Ahh.
It feels good to be home.
Good night, Sheila.
'Night, Fred.
Oh, and, Fred happy junior secretary's day.