Sullivan and Son (2012) s02e09 Episode Script

Roy, is that what you're eating for lunch caramel corn? - Damn right.
- Well, I thought your cardidiologit told you to eat healthier.
What does he know? Well, he knows you're a heart attack waiting to happen.
Give me a break! This is healthy! Look Corn is a vegetable.
Peanuts protein.
The caramel's non-fat.
It's basically a salad in a box.
So what prize did you get? I got this stupid plastic spider.
That's a rip! In my day, you got a real prize! A little, uh, pinball machine, a fake tattoo.
- Once I even got a real diamond ring.
- Really? Well, it was attached to a finger.
I think it might have been a factory accident.
Hey, you know who we could freak out with this, right? Owen he's got terrible arachnophobia.
Oh, we're all afraid of people from Ahmed's country.
I'm not from Iraq.
I'm from Egypt.
Sand is sand.
Yeah, this would scare the crap out of him.
He always falls for this stuff.
Let's put it down his shirt.
- Let's put it in his peanuts.
- Ooh, that's good.
Oh, here he comes.
Here he comes.
Hey, Steve, what do you think? I'm looking for a job.
And there's something here for a computer company that intrigues me.
Now, aside form porn, what is the Internet? It's not just for that! The Internet has changed the world.
It's connected us with people and places that were unimaginable before.
Wow, Hank.
I didn't realize you were so Internet-savvy.
Oh, yeah That's where I buy and sell all my Nazi war memorabilia.
What the? I told you he'd freak! - That's not funny, Ahmed! I hit my head! - So? My head's different than everybody else's.
Yeah, it's bigger, and there's less in it.
No, I have a soft spot back there.
- You mean like a baby? You hit Roy's sister? - Fontanelis that even a real thing? - Yeah.
So the baby's head can squish down when you're giving birth.
You got to get that baby out of there as quickly as possible.
I was lucky.
You had a tiny little head And delicate, little hips.
You slipped right out like a bar of soap.
Thanks for sharing.
If your dad didn't catch you in his apron, you would have slipped right into the jukebox.
da da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Steve, I really need your help.
What's up, Carol? I got a call from the IRS, and they're auditing me.
All right, Carol, don't panic.
Most of these are just routine.
But I work at the DMV! We're all government workers We're supposed to help each other out.
If an IRS person comes in, I don't care if they're legally blind.
I'll give them a driver's license anyway.
It's not personal, Carol.
It's random.
Oh, you're naive.
The government has eyes everywhere.
They want to know all your business.
But I'm smarter than them.
As far as the IRS knows, Ok Cha Sullivan died in 1979.
Is there, uh, anything about your return that's unusual? No I report all my income.
I deduct all the normal things Hair, makeup, outfits, shoes.
Why do you deduct those, again? Because they're expensive.
And people expect a certain amount of glamour from me.
I'm not sure if you could technically write off for "glamour.
" Oh, great.
The next thing you're gonna tell me is I can't claim my son, Owen, as a dependent.
Well, he is 30.
Oh, no, no.
I don't declare him as my son.
You see, Steve And, uh, don't spread this around because it would embarrass Owen terribly But he and I, we have a civil union.
You're married to your son? Well, I checked the box off one year by mistake, and they sent me this huge refund, so I've done it ever since.
Seriously, with that kind of money, you'd be crazy not to marry your kids.
I'm thinking this isn't gonna be as easy as I thought.
Well, what am I gonna do? Honestly, Carol, I'm a lawyer.
What you need is an accountant.
Oh, why don't you ask Susan? Why her? Because your sister is an accountant.
Oh, right.
She is.
You know, your family doesn't give Susan enough credit.
Susan was a partner at a big accounting firm.
She did the books for the bar back when she was in high school.
I remember that.
She never went to prom because of tax season.
Yeah.
That's why.
Susan? I'm in a little trouble with the IRS, and I was just wondering if I could get your help.
Of course, Carol.
Why don't we set up a time to review your past returns and any accompanying documentation you have Your long forms, your form C's.
I'll prepare a report, and I'll accompany you to your meeting with the auditor.
Carol? Sorry.
You know, I didn't realize that you knew so much.
From listening to your mom, I just assumed you were basically institutionalized.
Can I get a beer, please, Steve? Sure, Owen.
Uh It's a protective helmet! I got a concussion from that little prank Ahmed played on me, so I have to wear this Go ahead, fellas.
Laugh it up.
Make fun of stupid Owen.
Hey, we're your friends.
We're not gonna make fun of you.
But if the other sperm come in here looking for you, where should we tell them you are? Sorry.
I'm sorry.
We're done.
Absolutely.
So, Owen What time are you getting shot out of the Cannon? Look, I'm done with you guys! Come on, Owen.
We're just joking around.
Hey, look! It's a walking tampon! Why is the joke always on me?! - 'Cause it's so easy! - Yeah, but I'm sick of it.
I'm tired of being everyone's target.
Owen, you want me to be honest with you? - You kind of ask for it.
- Do not.
Well, you don't fight your own battles.
You don't stick up for yourself.
You're lucky my mom didn't hear you say that.
Owen, focus for a minute.
Who are you really mad at? I'm mad at Ahmed for putting a spider in my peanuts.
Exactly So get him back.
But how? He's a powerful and successful tow-truck driver.
Owen, come on.
You know what to do.
He gives you a wedgie, you give him a swirly.
He gives you a pink belly, you give him a titty twister.
That's the Pittsburgh way.
Yeah.
I'm from Pittsburgh.
I can do that.
Of course you can, Owen.
You're just as smart as they are.
Just need to put on your thinking cap.
You're right.
I'm sick of being the butt of everyone's joke.
For once, I just want to get one over on you guys.
Hey, Owen.
Does that thing vibrate? Steve, can I plug my phone in? Can't let it die.
That's the burden of being a first responder.
Ahmed, tow-truck drivers are not first responders.
Uh, yeah, we are.
It goes police, fire, tow truck, coast guard.
I got it.
Roy! Come here a second! Melanie, you're a paramedic.
You get me, as a fellow first responder.
I don't even get you as a second responder.
You clean up after everybody's left.
You're like an asphalt bus boy.
Steel town towing.
Yeah.
Sure.
Downtown.
The Nigerian ambassador's limo broke down.
The limo with all the flags on it.
Got it.
Yeah.
I'll be right there.
It is a blessing that you are coming to get us.
How long? Half-hour? Good, good.
My wives are scared.
And we need you to come very fast.
We are depending on you as a first responder.
Praise by Jesus.
Thank you.
Guys, seriously, I thought you got over prank calls back in high school.
Yeah, where did you guys really send Ahmed? Obama's in town.
Sent him to go tow the president's limo.
Impressive, Owen You've involved the federal government.
Wait.
I-I don't get why that's funny.
'Cause he's an arab-American driving a huge tow truck right at the presidential limousine! He could be arrested or shot! That's the joke! And this is for my nighttime moisturizing serum with Alpha-hydroxy acids.
Hey, this doesn't happen by accident.
You know, I've got to be honest with you, Carol.
It's gonna be really hard to convince the auditor - that these are legitimate business expenses.
- Why? Because they're not legitimate business expenses.
That's not the way I look at it.
Susan, have you noticed something about people these days? They walk around in their awful t-shirts and their dirty jeans.
Everything is so drab.
There's no pizzazz, no glamour, no allure.
That's where I come in.
Work at the DMV ends at 5:00, so I clear out by 3:30.
I head straight home.
I take a long bath.
I lay out that night's outfit.
I choose my powder and my scent, and I bring it all together.
I sit in this bar, and I glow.
I give people something sensual and radiant to look at.
And often I get laid.
But that's not why I do it.
All right, that's one of the reasons why I do it.
But the main reason is that people need beauty in their lives.
And I'm here to bring it to them.
I don't think the IRS is gonna see it that way.
I'm sorry, Carol.
I think you're gonna owe a lot of money.
Oh, this is terrible.
I don't have any money.
What am I gonna do now, divorce my son? Look, Carol, in my experience, a lot of these audits come down to the relationship between the accountant and the auditor.
So, we'll just go down and talk to James Franklin and hope for the best.
James Franklin? Yeah, do you know him? I know he's a man.
Honey, we've got no problem.
- What do you mean? - He's a man.
I can get him to do anything I want.
That's my superpower.
I don't think that's a superpower.
Honey, trust me.
It's a superpower.
It's right up there with flying and squirting spider webs.
Ok Cha, tell your daughter what my superpower is.
You're a big slut.
Boy, Ahmed's been gone forever.
This is going better than I could have ever dreamed.
Well, for your sake, I hope it turns out okay.
Hey, he started it.
Dad, I'm sure Ahmed's laughing about it right now.
Hey, Ahmed.
What happened? That wasn't the Nigerian ambassador on the phone.
Somebody here sent me to tow the president's limo.
Gotcha! Boom! Yeah thanks, Owen.
Homeland Security thought I was a terrorist.
Well, if it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck They threw me in a room.
They interrogated me for hours.
They strip-searched me.
Hey, that's the Pittsburgh way.
Owen, I was anally probed! Did they find anything? You guys have no idea what it's like to be Arab-American.
People take one look at you, and they just think you're carrying a bomb.
Ahmed, y-you're right.
That's terrible.
This got way out of hand.
Owen, you wanted to get one of the guys, and you did it, but I think you went a little too far.
So just apologize to Ahmed and be done with it.
Wait, what? The one time I get one of you guys back, I have to apologize? I'll apologize to his butt when he apologizes for my brain.
They took my buttginity.
They took Roy's grandmother? You guys need to grow up and stop with this pranking crap.
You're all a bunch of man-babies.
- Why, when I was your age, I had already fought in a war.
- Me, too.
- I had two kids.
- Me, too.
- I had a mortgage.
- Me, too! And I didn't sit around in a bar drinking all day.
Here's where we part ways.
You know what this is about? This is about the fact that, for once, Owen Walsh got one of you guys back.
And you know what, Ahmed? You can't take it.
Oh, I can take it.
I took it in the basement of the federal building.
And I took it in my own, personal basement.
Hey, hey.
Drop it.
Look, if anything, you both should be mad at Roy.
It was Roy with the spider.
It was Roy on the phone.
So, let's just shut it down.
Oh, no.
This isn't over.
I'm just getting started.
And no one in the bar is safe.
I won't forget this.
You're dead.
I'm not afraid of you.
I'm not afraid of him.
Oh, give Ahmed some time.
He'll get over it.
Oh, yeah, his people are known for that.
I've looked through your tax returns and your supporting legal documents, and I fail to understand how all these beauty products constitute allowable tax deductions.
Well, as my client says in her letter, one of the requirements of her public persona is to maintain a glamorous and Alluring.
Alluring appearance, as well as to Radiate sex appeal.
Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disallow all these deductions.
Which means that you are gonna owe the government Now would be a good time to use your superpower.
Mr.
Franklin.
Mr.
Franklin.
Mr.
Franklin, look at me.
Hello there, James.
Hello there.
Do you know what I do, James? I love.
That's why I was put on this earth to give and receive deep and lasting pleasure.
Wait.
What am I doing? You're about to ask me out to dinner.
Will you go out to dinner with me? Of course I will, James.
Oh.
Well, I guess I'll see you tonight at 6:30.
Don't be late.
I won't.
I'm leaving right now.
Carol, that was awesome! Well, it was okay.
Usually I get them to give me their car.
Hi.
I'm Mrs.
Deitmuller.
Where's James? He just walked straight out of the building.
I'll be your new auditor.
Let me just finish totaling up what you owe.
Mrs.
Deitmuller.
Mrs.
Deitmuller.
Mrs.
Deitmuller, look at me.
Do you know why I was put on earth? Don't give a shit.
bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, two outs.
And it's a strike.
Why didn't he swing? That was right down the middle.
How did you get to be such a big baseball fan? Oh, everybody plays baseball in South Korea.
But nobody hits a home run because it goes into north Korea, and you never get the ball back.
Let's go! Yeah! Yeah! Ah! The satellite's out! You got to be kidding me.
- Owen, it's your turn to go up on the - On it.
And while you're up there, jiggle me some free "Game of Thrones.
" Did you do it? Oh, yeah.
Did it this morning.
I put the spider right on the dish.
Awesome.
Owen's gonna climb all the way to the roof, see the spider, and freak.
Yeah, you're finally gonna get him back.
Aah! Spider! Oh, my God! Owen! Is he okay? He's not breathing.
Come on, buddy.
Come on.
This isn't happening.
You couldn't stop! You had to do one more! You happy now? I can't believe I'm saying this.
He's gone.
Oh, my God.
Owen.
I should have never put that spider up there.
This is my fault.
I'm sorry, buddy.
Aah! Aah! Gotcha! I got you, finally! Owen Walsh, master prankster.
Thanks for the assist, Ahmed.
It was my pleasure.
Just a little short of breath here.
S-so you two aren't mad at each other anymore? No, we got over it by getting you.
So you were all in on this? Well, mostly I'm against this kind of jackass stuff.
But, uh, you should have seen your face! So what flew by the window? Oh, CPR dummy.
Thanks for that mouth-to-mouth, by the way.
Yeah, next time, lay off the tongue.
Got to admit, Roy, that was pretty funny.
Not really.
I'm starting to feel a little bad here, Steve.
My my arm's tingling.
Feels like an elephant's sitting on my chest.
Seriously? You're gonna pull a fake death prank after a fake death prank? You're better than that, Roy.
Guys, I'm serious.
It's starting to hurt here.
Guys? Guys? Call 911.
Yeah, it was a heart attack.
It was a mild one, but it was real.
Thank God for the defibrillator.
Your uncle was there? Hank, cut it out.
His uncle's name's not defibrillator.
Actually, it is.
See? Those people don't have normal names.
So we've pranked the whole body The ass, the head, the heart.
Are we done now? Yeah.
I was thinking about that as I was headed to the light, towards my grandma and Michael Jackson.
And I thought about you, Owen, and you're right.
We always did make you the butt of the jokes, and I'm sorry for that, man.
So I'm glad you got me.
I'm glad you got me good.
And I'm glad I'm still alive.
Thanks, man.
I'm glad you're still alive, too.
See? This is nice.
Everybody's friends, no more pranks.
Just sitting, hanging, drinking beer.
Speaking of which, round on me, Steve.
Coming up.
And the winner of the wet-t-shirt contest Miss Steve Sullivan! Okay, okay.
Good one.
Good one.
You got me.
Are the pranks done now? Yeah.
Yeah.
They're done.
Ugh.
Good.
Hey, Carol.
I just got a call from the IRS.
Your audit is complete, and you owe nothing.
Isn't that amazing? Well, I kind of knew I was going to skate.
How? When we left that office, Mrs.
Deitmuller seemed like she had made up her mind.
Yes, but then I called her later, and we met for coffee, and Things went from there.
Wait a minute You have a superpower with women too? Well, yes.
I discovered it a few years ago at a Subaru dealership.
But that's not what happened.
I asked her about herself, and it turns out she was lonely.
So I gave her a few tips.
There's beauty in there.
It just needed to blossom.
And she's a quick learner Watch.
Look at me.