Survivor's Remorse (2014) s02e09 Episode Script
Guts
1 Every event we attend, we build favor equity with Flaherty.
His reach is far beyond basketball.
We wanna tap into that reach.
Jupiter Blackmon wants me to be his manager.
Top-ten pick in the NFL draft, and he wants me.
My name is Isa.
You looking for an interview? - We need to talk.
- You all right? There is no good way to say this.
- I have HPV.
- I don't know what to say.
I'm telling you, this girl is special.
Okay, she gonna find out who you are eventually anyway, and she'll either like it or she won't.
A few weeks ago, I realized why I started playing basketball.
- Because you were good at it.
- No.
To meet you.
Ooh, say more, baby.
The three characteristics of German Romanticism are Streben, Das Ganze, and Eigentümlichkeit.
Germans.
Uh-uh, baby.
- Oswald could not have acted alone.
- Ooh, not a chance.
- Delta G is equal to Delta H - Uh-huh.
minus the quantity of T minus Delta X! Oh, shit! - Science always finishes me.
- I know.
- I got you all mapped out.
- Yes, you do.
And I love your glasses.
I wanna fuck you in a library.
There are no more libraries.
You have to fuck me in a wiki.
Who the fuck is that? Oh, shit.
Okay.
- This is Reggie.
- It's the man of your dreams.
To what do I owe? Don't be so fuckin' negative.
The presence of your company is requested at my home this evening for a game of guts, are you familiar? Uh, yeah.
I may have played once or twice.
Good.
100K buy-in.
We go until the first billionaire cries, or, more likely, until one of us takes your house, which we can use as a toolshed.
7:30, having had.
Casual but neat, which means take it easy on the hip-hop fashion sensibilities.
Although you should wear a diamond necklace in case you need to bet it.
It would help if the diamonds were real.
Okay, thank you.
I will be there.
Laura will be in touch, she'll give you a call with the address and the parking protocol, okay? Hasta.
Shit.
Laura! - Huh.
- Jupiter's getting mail here now? Oh, yeah.
It'll be checks soon enough.
- What is the Wonderlic test? - Just a basic IQ test given to the draftees, especially the, uh, quarterbacks.
- Well, why do they do that? - Well, it used to be an excuse to make sure white boy played quarterback, but the brothers caught on.
Well, having met Jupiter, I hope it doesn't count for much.
Oh, it all counts, baby.
It all counts.
You know, I gotta get him a tutor.
Or maybe a prep class.
- Or something.
- I could do it.
Missy, his score is gonna be what his score is.
Jupiter will get drafted on his college record and his intangibles.
But if his IQ is higher than expected, doesn't that mean more money? Don't you go arousing me again.
I gotta go.
- Mm.
- Mm.
All right, you know what? You want the gig, it's yours.
You can start tonight.
I'll have Uncle Julius bring him over.
- This will be fun.
- I doubt it.
But any case, no glasses.
Kid's horny enough.
I will get him to an eighth grade level, no problem.
Baby, he went to Georgia Tech on a football scholarship, don't be so ambitious, hmm? I gotta go.
I gotta go.
- Zip yourself.
- You put on some panties.
Yeah, this is the one.
- Thanks.
- Don't spill on it.
That's Purple Label right there.
- He ever borrow a tie from you before? - Not one time.
That's when you know a man's in deep with his woman, when he starts to doubt his own accessories.
Putting my best foot forward.
No, you putting my best foot forward.
Be careful with that necktie.
Yeah, yeah, man.
Purple Label, I know.
Why you wanna set up some gussied-up version of yourself in the beginning of a relationship? I believe that the idea is to capture her heart with the good news - before revealing the horrible news.
- Well, that's deceptive.
I mean, the real you gonna leak out eventually.
And maybe when it does, you two can pump the brakes - on your whirlwind romance? - Nope.
We are two peas in a pod, and you just jealous, Reggie.
A woman don't really know a man until she smells his farts.
- Which she will in 2023.
- That's just medically unsafe.
- You can rip one if you want to, baby.
- No, no.
I shouldn't.
I can, and I would love to, but I shouldn't.
Just give me a heads up so I can leave the room.
- You should leave the room.
- You can rip on cue? I went to prep school in Belgium.
Of course I can.
Okay, waffles, I know.
Farting on cue, I'm unfamiliar with as a specifically Belgian skill.
See, now you in an honest relationship.
Oh, man.
- What is it, Chinese New Year? - Yeah, Belgium, too.
I feel inexpressibly better.
Yeah, and you smell inexpressibly bad.
Hey, we got 22 rooms in this house.
Why's everybody always in here? Studies have shown people go wherever the food's at.
It smells good in here.
What is that? - My boo.
- Oh, this family, I swear.
Holy shit.
Did you just transfer 250K? "You got 22 rooms in this house.
Why's everybody always in here?" - Keep it moving.
- Ow.
You finally getting a real fuckin' watch? Nah, I'm playing guts in Flaherty's game.
- Hey, that's a big-boy table.
- I got no choice but to accept.
True.
The American ruling class has granted you an interview.
To say no would be a colossal blunder.
You know, that's not a level field.
I mean, those guys got 250K just lost in their couch.
Rock, meet hard place.
Hard place, I believe you know rock.
Ooh.
Gotta take a shit.
She's like an orchid.
Every big career comes down to a few defining moments of extreme risk.
You have to go all in on something sometime.
Do you ever play with Jimmy's bunch? If you're asking if I have cradled his balls, the answer is no.
I wasn't.
But glad.
I play my guts in Macau.
Quarter million U.
S.
Won't even get you in the door.
Ooh, but watch out for that Tom Werner.
He would take your underpants.
All right, I need some quiet and a legit fucking mirror.
Keep your cool tonight, Reg, it ain't important whether you winning or losing.
Although if you wanna keep your marriage, winning is better.
Damn, don't tighten up on the boy.
He can't think money is money.
He's gotta play his hand right or they gonna think he's soft.
Your uncle is correct.
What counts is how you handle yourself.
Are you poised? Can you meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same? Your name will be made or destroyed tonight, Reggie.
Have a nice time.
- Well, I'll be damned.
- God, I fuckin' love you.
Come here.
Come here.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Why you make your necktie six hours before your date? Dry run.
Will you just get naked with this girl already so you can see she's just the same as any other girl? We'll see what she says when I tell her about my poison dick.
You ain't got a poison dick.
It's just a harmless, nuisance strain of HPV.
You got HPV? - You were dumping in my bathroom? - You got the heated toilet seat.
It's 85 degrees outside.
Trust me, if I'd have known you had HPV, - I'd have used my own bathroom.
- You can't get it that way.
Who are you? George Washington Carver? - You don't know.
- He does, and you can't.
Just the same, from now on, it's my own cold-ass seat.
I ain't getting HPV from my brother.
Though, I can't think of anything more Southern.
How big a house do I need to get a little privacy? Hey, relax.
We are family.
Nothing pierces that veil and nothing leaks out.
- Thank you.
- Reggie's got a point.
You never know a girl until you get naked with her.
How do you know you can trust her with this information? It's called believing in people.
Dear God.
Baby brother Cam, you are famous.
Thing goes bad, one tweet, you could be globally embarrassed.
Well, that's a chance that I'm willing to take.
Dude, we are talking about your brand.
Your brand ain't got no poison dick.
Does it say anything about a poison dick on your billboards? - No, it does not.
- You said it wasn't a poison dick.
It was the heat of the moment.
But when you boil it down, you do.
I wanna be in a relationship with this girl.
You cannot build a relationship off a lie.
It ain't a lie.
It's a skipped over, insignificant detail.
Does shit like that really sound good in your head? Allison is a medical professional.
She knows every time she sleeps with somebody in today's world, she's rolling the dice.
Knowing it ain't the same as hearing it.
Yeah, but hearing it means you might lose her.
If you were her, wouldn't you want a dude to look you in your eye - and tell you what you needed to know? - Yes, I would, if I needed to know it.
- But she don't.
- She do.
Yeah, everybody deserves that kind of respect.
- Significant or not.
- That's a lot of talkin'.
I wanna be with her, and I don't want any secrets.
Look, when 80% of the world has something, it's not a secret.
It's like telling her you have hair.
I'm gonna say something to y'all that I thought you would have realized.
That night when your phones were off and you were in Denver with that clown quarterback, do you know what I was thinking about? A life without basketball, because that's what I thought I would be living.
I had no idea what it would look like.
And then I saw Allison's face.
Now, I was lucky that time, not only because of my knee.
I was handed the keys to the kingdom.
But someday down the road, I won't be that lucky.
It really will be the end.
And on that day, there's only gonna be one question where are my keys? Wait, 20% of the world doesn't have hair? - Just - I wanna be an honest man.
Carry myself with honor.
It starts tonight.
And if she's not into me because of what I have to say, I can live with that.
Wash your hands.
So I thought we'd begin by taking a practice Wonderlic test so that we can establish a baseline, a kind of starting-out point.
And we can then chart your progress, okay? I'm nervous.
Can I smoke a bowl first? - Uh, hear, hear.
- Uh, no, you cannot smoke a bowl.
You need to simulate the situation you'll be in when you actually take the test.
Well, I plan on smoking a bowl before I take it.
- That's smart thinking.
- I just perform so much better - when I'm high.
- I got that shit that killed Michael Jackson.
I got the I heard this thing is hard as shit.
I thought that you would be nervous, Jupiter, which is why I'm taking it, too.
We will get through this together.
We have three minutes and 36 seconds to answer 15 questions.
- You think you can do that? - Do I, uh, say my answers out loud? Do you what? Uh, no, no.
You you just circle the answer on the paper.
Question one, circle.
Question two, circle.
Uh, I got a question.
How do you feel about undrafted free agency? Start the clock, please, Julius.
Omaha, Omaha, hut! "Jenny can take either of two family cars from Detroit to Traverse City, a journey of 255 miles.
Her red car gets 19 miles to the gallon and her white car gets 22, but her white car uses one cent of oil for every 15 miles it's driven and requires premium gas, which is 10 cents a gallon more than the regular gas her white car uses.
Which car will be less expensive for the journey?" - What the fuck? - Three minutes, ten seconds! Thank you.
- Three minute! - Once a minute will be fine, Julius.
My bad.
Standing down.
Two minutes, 55 seconds.
Welcome to the Flaherty residence, Mr.
Vaughn.
Thank you.
Okay if I give the Kia a wash while you're here? Nah.
No, no, no, it won't be necessary.
- I'd feel better.
- Okay.
Laura will direct you to the card room.
- Right.
There you go.
- Thank you, sir.
- Enjoy your time.
- Okay, yeah, yeah.
Just, uh okay.
Pencils down! Pencils down, bitch.
Uh, no disrespect, but you a cheatin' motherfucker.
Let's see what it is and what it ain't.
- Welcome to the Flaherty residence.
- Thank you.
May I ask your drink of choice, Mr.
Vaughn? I will take a Cîroc on the rocks, please.
- It'll meet you in the card room.
- Okay.
- Make a right at the samovar.
- All right.
Thank you.
What the fuck is a samovar? - Reggie.
- Chen, what what are you doing here? Cassie prevailed upon me to watch your back, so I sent Jimmy a text.
- Ah, she shouldn't have done that.
- Your aunt loves you.
She realizes that you are up against enemies with far superior war chests.
In this company, you are a tomato can.
A veal boy, feet dangling from the floor, sucking down a fatty diet and awaiting slaughter.
I'll be all right.
- Do you want to be in league? - You mean cheat? I mean protect yourself.
From remorseless hoarders of wealth who will crush you between their fingers like a grain of puffed rice.
Do you ever just answer a question with a yes or a no? - Seldom.
- For fuck sake, I'm not a child.
I don't need anybody looking after me.
I like this phrase, "For fuck sake.
" What does it mean? It means that I shouldn't have to say some shit.
That you and any human being above the age of seven should just know.
I'm not cheating.
I'll be fine.
It will remain our secret, for fuck sake.
Chen, I appreciate you.
I do.
But no.
We should have carpooled, for fuck sake.
- Okay, you're overusing it now.
- Copy you.
Hey, there he is.
Boys, greet the new meat.
- Jimmy.
- Reggie Vaughn, this is Tom Werner, - rich from baseball and TV.
- Hey, how you doing? - And rich from playing cards.
- Hey, I'm from Dorchester.
- Big Red Sox fan.
- Smart man.
And you may have heard of LeBron James.
Ha ha! No idea who this guy is.
- Reggie, what's up, man? - What's up, man? - I didn't know you was gonna be here.
- Yeah, you know, I just been - concentrating on my day job.
- See, that is exactly why - you are the best player in the world.
- "Best player in the world.
" - I like that.
I'm gonna use that.
- You like that? All right.
Careful, shit like that can bite you in the ass.
See, that's the difference between me and you, Jimmy.
You know, I got faith in people.
Fuck people and fuck their other people.
Don't mind him.
He's been drinking since noon.
Welcome to the big time, shit box.
- Ah, thank you, fucko.
- That's pronounced "fuck-ee.
" - You taught me that.
- Only three easy lessons.
- Blow me, cocksucker.
- Now, you see, that's just redundant.
Reggie's very particular about language, for fuck sake.
I've marked you for 100,000 to start off.
- Wonderful.
Thank you.
- All right, gentlemen.
Plumb your assholes.
I got an extra stack of chips up there right now.
All right, Jupiter, you got nine out of 15 right, Jack.
- That is very good.
- Same score as Eli Manning.
- Who's that? - The Jewish Manning brother.
- How did I do? - You'd be a good football player, - 'cause you dumb as hell.
- Julius.
You got four out of 15 right, which means you got 11 out of 15 wrong.
Okay.
That's why we take practice tests, so we can shake the rust off.
It's been a while since I felt the pressures of an exam.
Jupiter, it also suggests a profession.
For you, an attorney.
- That's what's up.
I like that.
- And it suggests for you - Oh, uh, I don't need to know.
a janitor or a night watchman.
- Thank you.
- Night watchman is a a noble profession.
- You keep the block safe.
- And janitors deal with toilets.
Everybody needs toilets.
Matter of fact, I need one now.
- Did I get that first one wrong? - Oh, yeah.
Aw, man, that one was easy.
See, you just subtract this shit from that shit.
Then you divide it by the other shit.
You ain't even gotta finish all the division once you see the first number is a two.
Yeah, that's true.
Very good, Jupiter.
You got a knack for this.
Plus I I got a little trick.
See, I just take all the questions and replace the nouns with pills.
Like this one.
This one would be "Two-Tone got Percocets at $22 each and Oxys at 19.
If he owe 255 by Friday, how he gonna prime his stash?" - Show show me on paper.
- I can't.
- You got a medicine cabinet? - Not filled with Oxys and Percocets.
You know what? Let's try it again.
Yeah, rack up another one of these gentle bitches.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Dope dress.
- Dope tie.
I'll take one of those.
Appreciate you, Tom.
- Say it.
- I don't need to.
Tom, just say it, man.
We know you think it.
Say it.
I'm the best poker player in the world.
Man, I love that Jewish trash talk.
Randy, get Jeffrey Shinestein on line one.
So, Jimmy, nail any Russian models recently, for fuck sake? I can't help it.
It's herring in a barrel.
They're incredibly hot, and they're attracted to private aviation.
Plus American men are very appealing in comparison to the men of their homeland.
Slavic men have flat skulls in the back.
Less brain, I assume.
Can't be saying shit like that out loud, man.
Who's listening but us? Can't be much fun to date behind the Iron Curtain.
The Iron Curtain is what I call my prenup.
Ugh, I already feel sorry for your next wife.
Me, too.
She'll be an accidentally beautiful girl from some inbred village in the Ukraine who was born the day I was kicked out of grad school, she'll marry me for my money, tolerate my gray, sagging balls, and my unconvincing erections like some kind of sexual saint.
And then five years later, I'll throw her back with nothing but a pre-negotiated monthly stipend and the awful memory of the noises I make when I cum.
- Whoa, man.
- Five years is optimistic.
- Reg, you married, right? - Yeah, happily.
Why you ask? I'm trying to get Jimmy to shut the hell up.
- I fold.
- Jimmy, card.
Yeah, since his pinhead folded, I gotta play whether I got something or not.
Which I may or may not.
We'll see.
Reggie? Ah, five-foot nothing, a hundred and nothing, which is a shame, because I think I'm sitting next to rich bluffer number one and rich bluffer number two.
- I fold.
- Fold.
Dealer's in.
Let's see 'em.
Oh! He got bullets.
Both of y'all match that pot.
Oh, Tom Werner, silent assassin.
They never see it coming.
There goes my underpants.
- Boxers or briefs? - Ugh.
- What the fuck did you just ask him? - It's a perfectly legitimate question.
- Michael Jordan wears tighty blackies.
- What the - Oh, my - Ahem.
- Reg, I told you to bring Cam to Nike.
- Oh What is it already? - Jupe, you got ten out of 15 correct.
- Yes.
And your comparable is Steve Young.
Consider a career as a chemical engineer.
- Missy, you got five out of 15.
- Damn it! - You Cuba Gooding, Jr.
's comparable.
- Really? - Excuse me.
I mean Radio.
- You kidding me? You're telling me I'm so dumb, I'm not even a real person? I'm a fictional idiot? Well, "Radio" was based on a true story.
I like this place.
Food's delicious.
Company's all right.
- I actually can't taste the food.
- Why not? I don't taste anything when I'm out with you.
I don't see anything but you, don't hear anything except your voice, don't Look, you gotta stop saying stuff like that.
- Why? - Because at some point, - I'm gonna start to believe it.
- And that's bad? Awful.
The road to ruin.
I've been exposed to HPV.
It's a noncancerous strain.
Um, I don't have symptoms, but, um, I could still have it.
And I've read everything that I could about it, most of which is vague and confusing.
But, you know, the bottom line is, even if we do use protection, there's a small chance I could give it to you.
I don't mean to presume.
I mean, it seems like we're headed towards being together.
I hope so, anyways, so, you know, I want you to know.
I'm sorry.
It was a stupid thing to bring up.
Or too soon.
Or something.
That's what you call a bell you can't un-ring.
I'm Should I get the check? I'm gonna get the check.
- I'm sorry that happened to you.
- Yeah, me, too.
- You know what it makes you? - An outcast.
A stained person.
Not the HPV.
The HPV, I really don't care for.
That I admit.
But the fact that you told me, - you know what that makes you? - A loser? It makes you a man I could love.
Eat your dinner.
Try to taste it.
Who knows, maybe life is good.
I'm over here thinking, and I want you guys to ponder it a little bit.
Has nothing to do with the game, but Y'all know those big trees? Like, those redwood trees, those giant trees.
How could they not have consciousness? Thanks a lot, LeBron.
I got, like, 12 fireplaces in this place.
You gotta go green, Jimmy.
- Tom? - I got 15 fireplaces.
No, no, actually, uh, it's on you.
- Big pot to match if I'm wrong.
- You're never wrong.
It's true.
Guts.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Chen? - No guts, no glory.
- Ah, I got bupkis, for fuck sake.
- He's overusing that.
- I know.
Best player in the world? Oh, I got a good hand.
What do you have over there? This is a big pot right here.
That's why the cards got backs on 'em, huh? I got guts.
I'm gonna call.
- Look, I'm gonna stay.
- Reminds me of another number 23 who once sat at this table.
I got Hornets floor seats for life.
- Jimmy? - Ah fuck it.
I'm folding.
It's on you, big man.
Come on.
It's only a fifth of a million dollars.
- I got a chance.
- I think we all can see that you do.
Maybe, or maybe you see what I want you to see.
Oh, he's good, this guy.
I love this game.
Can I just say that I love this game? I will pay you to stop saying it.
Yeah, the pachinko machines are down the hall.
- Japanese, for fuck sake.
- Reg, destiny's calling.
And common sense is trying not to answer the phone.
Guts.
Oh, man.
Three in.
Tom.
- Pair of kings.
- Oh, great hand.
But I got you.
I got a queen high to the flush.
Uh, no, no, no.
Ace high to the flush.
Man! Feels like you just took the greatest shit of your life.
- Am I right? - Yeah.
Man, Reg, now you got, huh, you got Werner's underpants now.
And that that never happens.
Yeah, check the label.
If it says "Flaherty," I want 'em back.
Way to go, Reg.
That was a great call.
- Man, way to go.
- Thank you.
- That's me? That's me? - That's you.
You can get that.
- I'll get it.
- Man, congrats.
- Thank you.
- Not bad, my man.
Not bad.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Good night, rich bluffers.
Hey, fuck you, Jimmy.
Next time.
Next time.
Don't worry, sir.
I'll hit it again.
Thank you.
And can we keep this between us? You have any idea how many people have thrown up in this driveway? Shit.
I'm not having a baby.
I don't want to bring a moron child into this world.
I won't know what to do, Reggie.
I'll try to breast-feed him with my ass.
I think the baby would know the difference in smell.
Mine won't.
Baby, you're the smartest person I know.
You need to meet more people.
You know the difference between your life and Jupiter's? You got time to think.
You don't need no Wonderlic.
Oh, fuck me, Reggie.
Ah! Fuck me like a janitor! Make me clean the floor! Ah! Fuck my retarded brains out! Yo Babe, you can't say "retarded.
" - That just like, it's not cool.
- Huh? - It's not cool.
- You really mad right now? No, I'm just saying, I'm now thinking about this kid Reggie, fuck me! Shut up! Give me a minute.
I'ma gonna get it back.
Now I'm thinking about this fucking kid I went to school with named Joseph.
- Jesus, give me a second.
- Oh, God.
Why would you say "retarded"? God damn it.
Okay, all right.
Here we go.
I'm back.
- Oh, fuck my brains out! - That shouldn't take long.
His reach is far beyond basketball.
We wanna tap into that reach.
Jupiter Blackmon wants me to be his manager.
Top-ten pick in the NFL draft, and he wants me.
My name is Isa.
You looking for an interview? - We need to talk.
- You all right? There is no good way to say this.
- I have HPV.
- I don't know what to say.
I'm telling you, this girl is special.
Okay, she gonna find out who you are eventually anyway, and she'll either like it or she won't.
A few weeks ago, I realized why I started playing basketball.
- Because you were good at it.
- No.
To meet you.
Ooh, say more, baby.
The three characteristics of German Romanticism are Streben, Das Ganze, and Eigentümlichkeit.
Germans.
Uh-uh, baby.
- Oswald could not have acted alone.
- Ooh, not a chance.
- Delta G is equal to Delta H - Uh-huh.
minus the quantity of T minus Delta X! Oh, shit! - Science always finishes me.
- I know.
- I got you all mapped out.
- Yes, you do.
And I love your glasses.
I wanna fuck you in a library.
There are no more libraries.
You have to fuck me in a wiki.
Who the fuck is that? Oh, shit.
Okay.
- This is Reggie.
- It's the man of your dreams.
To what do I owe? Don't be so fuckin' negative.
The presence of your company is requested at my home this evening for a game of guts, are you familiar? Uh, yeah.
I may have played once or twice.
Good.
100K buy-in.
We go until the first billionaire cries, or, more likely, until one of us takes your house, which we can use as a toolshed.
7:30, having had.
Casual but neat, which means take it easy on the hip-hop fashion sensibilities.
Although you should wear a diamond necklace in case you need to bet it.
It would help if the diamonds were real.
Okay, thank you.
I will be there.
Laura will be in touch, she'll give you a call with the address and the parking protocol, okay? Hasta.
Shit.
Laura! - Huh.
- Jupiter's getting mail here now? Oh, yeah.
It'll be checks soon enough.
- What is the Wonderlic test? - Just a basic IQ test given to the draftees, especially the, uh, quarterbacks.
- Well, why do they do that? - Well, it used to be an excuse to make sure white boy played quarterback, but the brothers caught on.
Well, having met Jupiter, I hope it doesn't count for much.
Oh, it all counts, baby.
It all counts.
You know, I gotta get him a tutor.
Or maybe a prep class.
- Or something.
- I could do it.
Missy, his score is gonna be what his score is.
Jupiter will get drafted on his college record and his intangibles.
But if his IQ is higher than expected, doesn't that mean more money? Don't you go arousing me again.
I gotta go.
- Mm.
- Mm.
All right, you know what? You want the gig, it's yours.
You can start tonight.
I'll have Uncle Julius bring him over.
- This will be fun.
- I doubt it.
But any case, no glasses.
Kid's horny enough.
I will get him to an eighth grade level, no problem.
Baby, he went to Georgia Tech on a football scholarship, don't be so ambitious, hmm? I gotta go.
I gotta go.
- Zip yourself.
- You put on some panties.
Yeah, this is the one.
- Thanks.
- Don't spill on it.
That's Purple Label right there.
- He ever borrow a tie from you before? - Not one time.
That's when you know a man's in deep with his woman, when he starts to doubt his own accessories.
Putting my best foot forward.
No, you putting my best foot forward.
Be careful with that necktie.
Yeah, yeah, man.
Purple Label, I know.
Why you wanna set up some gussied-up version of yourself in the beginning of a relationship? I believe that the idea is to capture her heart with the good news - before revealing the horrible news.
- Well, that's deceptive.
I mean, the real you gonna leak out eventually.
And maybe when it does, you two can pump the brakes - on your whirlwind romance? - Nope.
We are two peas in a pod, and you just jealous, Reggie.
A woman don't really know a man until she smells his farts.
- Which she will in 2023.
- That's just medically unsafe.
- You can rip one if you want to, baby.
- No, no.
I shouldn't.
I can, and I would love to, but I shouldn't.
Just give me a heads up so I can leave the room.
- You should leave the room.
- You can rip on cue? I went to prep school in Belgium.
Of course I can.
Okay, waffles, I know.
Farting on cue, I'm unfamiliar with as a specifically Belgian skill.
See, now you in an honest relationship.
Oh, man.
- What is it, Chinese New Year? - Yeah, Belgium, too.
I feel inexpressibly better.
Yeah, and you smell inexpressibly bad.
Hey, we got 22 rooms in this house.
Why's everybody always in here? Studies have shown people go wherever the food's at.
It smells good in here.
What is that? - My boo.
- Oh, this family, I swear.
Holy shit.
Did you just transfer 250K? "You got 22 rooms in this house.
Why's everybody always in here?" - Keep it moving.
- Ow.
You finally getting a real fuckin' watch? Nah, I'm playing guts in Flaherty's game.
- Hey, that's a big-boy table.
- I got no choice but to accept.
True.
The American ruling class has granted you an interview.
To say no would be a colossal blunder.
You know, that's not a level field.
I mean, those guys got 250K just lost in their couch.
Rock, meet hard place.
Hard place, I believe you know rock.
Ooh.
Gotta take a shit.
She's like an orchid.
Every big career comes down to a few defining moments of extreme risk.
You have to go all in on something sometime.
Do you ever play with Jimmy's bunch? If you're asking if I have cradled his balls, the answer is no.
I wasn't.
But glad.
I play my guts in Macau.
Quarter million U.
S.
Won't even get you in the door.
Ooh, but watch out for that Tom Werner.
He would take your underpants.
All right, I need some quiet and a legit fucking mirror.
Keep your cool tonight, Reg, it ain't important whether you winning or losing.
Although if you wanna keep your marriage, winning is better.
Damn, don't tighten up on the boy.
He can't think money is money.
He's gotta play his hand right or they gonna think he's soft.
Your uncle is correct.
What counts is how you handle yourself.
Are you poised? Can you meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same? Your name will be made or destroyed tonight, Reggie.
Have a nice time.
- Well, I'll be damned.
- God, I fuckin' love you.
Come here.
Come here.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Why you make your necktie six hours before your date? Dry run.
Will you just get naked with this girl already so you can see she's just the same as any other girl? We'll see what she says when I tell her about my poison dick.
You ain't got a poison dick.
It's just a harmless, nuisance strain of HPV.
You got HPV? - You were dumping in my bathroom? - You got the heated toilet seat.
It's 85 degrees outside.
Trust me, if I'd have known you had HPV, - I'd have used my own bathroom.
- You can't get it that way.
Who are you? George Washington Carver? - You don't know.
- He does, and you can't.
Just the same, from now on, it's my own cold-ass seat.
I ain't getting HPV from my brother.
Though, I can't think of anything more Southern.
How big a house do I need to get a little privacy? Hey, relax.
We are family.
Nothing pierces that veil and nothing leaks out.
- Thank you.
- Reggie's got a point.
You never know a girl until you get naked with her.
How do you know you can trust her with this information? It's called believing in people.
Dear God.
Baby brother Cam, you are famous.
Thing goes bad, one tweet, you could be globally embarrassed.
Well, that's a chance that I'm willing to take.
Dude, we are talking about your brand.
Your brand ain't got no poison dick.
Does it say anything about a poison dick on your billboards? - No, it does not.
- You said it wasn't a poison dick.
It was the heat of the moment.
But when you boil it down, you do.
I wanna be in a relationship with this girl.
You cannot build a relationship off a lie.
It ain't a lie.
It's a skipped over, insignificant detail.
Does shit like that really sound good in your head? Allison is a medical professional.
She knows every time she sleeps with somebody in today's world, she's rolling the dice.
Knowing it ain't the same as hearing it.
Yeah, but hearing it means you might lose her.
If you were her, wouldn't you want a dude to look you in your eye - and tell you what you needed to know? - Yes, I would, if I needed to know it.
- But she don't.
- She do.
Yeah, everybody deserves that kind of respect.
- Significant or not.
- That's a lot of talkin'.
I wanna be with her, and I don't want any secrets.
Look, when 80% of the world has something, it's not a secret.
It's like telling her you have hair.
I'm gonna say something to y'all that I thought you would have realized.
That night when your phones were off and you were in Denver with that clown quarterback, do you know what I was thinking about? A life without basketball, because that's what I thought I would be living.
I had no idea what it would look like.
And then I saw Allison's face.
Now, I was lucky that time, not only because of my knee.
I was handed the keys to the kingdom.
But someday down the road, I won't be that lucky.
It really will be the end.
And on that day, there's only gonna be one question where are my keys? Wait, 20% of the world doesn't have hair? - Just - I wanna be an honest man.
Carry myself with honor.
It starts tonight.
And if she's not into me because of what I have to say, I can live with that.
Wash your hands.
So I thought we'd begin by taking a practice Wonderlic test so that we can establish a baseline, a kind of starting-out point.
And we can then chart your progress, okay? I'm nervous.
Can I smoke a bowl first? - Uh, hear, hear.
- Uh, no, you cannot smoke a bowl.
You need to simulate the situation you'll be in when you actually take the test.
Well, I plan on smoking a bowl before I take it.
- That's smart thinking.
- I just perform so much better - when I'm high.
- I got that shit that killed Michael Jackson.
I got the I heard this thing is hard as shit.
I thought that you would be nervous, Jupiter, which is why I'm taking it, too.
We will get through this together.
We have three minutes and 36 seconds to answer 15 questions.
- You think you can do that? - Do I, uh, say my answers out loud? Do you what? Uh, no, no.
You you just circle the answer on the paper.
Question one, circle.
Question two, circle.
Uh, I got a question.
How do you feel about undrafted free agency? Start the clock, please, Julius.
Omaha, Omaha, hut! "Jenny can take either of two family cars from Detroit to Traverse City, a journey of 255 miles.
Her red car gets 19 miles to the gallon and her white car gets 22, but her white car uses one cent of oil for every 15 miles it's driven and requires premium gas, which is 10 cents a gallon more than the regular gas her white car uses.
Which car will be less expensive for the journey?" - What the fuck? - Three minutes, ten seconds! Thank you.
- Three minute! - Once a minute will be fine, Julius.
My bad.
Standing down.
Two minutes, 55 seconds.
Welcome to the Flaherty residence, Mr.
Vaughn.
Thank you.
Okay if I give the Kia a wash while you're here? Nah.
No, no, no, it won't be necessary.
- I'd feel better.
- Okay.
Laura will direct you to the card room.
- Right.
There you go.
- Thank you, sir.
- Enjoy your time.
- Okay, yeah, yeah.
Just, uh okay.
Pencils down! Pencils down, bitch.
Uh, no disrespect, but you a cheatin' motherfucker.
Let's see what it is and what it ain't.
- Welcome to the Flaherty residence.
- Thank you.
May I ask your drink of choice, Mr.
Vaughn? I will take a Cîroc on the rocks, please.
- It'll meet you in the card room.
- Okay.
- Make a right at the samovar.
- All right.
Thank you.
What the fuck is a samovar? - Reggie.
- Chen, what what are you doing here? Cassie prevailed upon me to watch your back, so I sent Jimmy a text.
- Ah, she shouldn't have done that.
- Your aunt loves you.
She realizes that you are up against enemies with far superior war chests.
In this company, you are a tomato can.
A veal boy, feet dangling from the floor, sucking down a fatty diet and awaiting slaughter.
I'll be all right.
- Do you want to be in league? - You mean cheat? I mean protect yourself.
From remorseless hoarders of wealth who will crush you between their fingers like a grain of puffed rice.
Do you ever just answer a question with a yes or a no? - Seldom.
- For fuck sake, I'm not a child.
I don't need anybody looking after me.
I like this phrase, "For fuck sake.
" What does it mean? It means that I shouldn't have to say some shit.
That you and any human being above the age of seven should just know.
I'm not cheating.
I'll be fine.
It will remain our secret, for fuck sake.
Chen, I appreciate you.
I do.
But no.
We should have carpooled, for fuck sake.
- Okay, you're overusing it now.
- Copy you.
Hey, there he is.
Boys, greet the new meat.
- Jimmy.
- Reggie Vaughn, this is Tom Werner, - rich from baseball and TV.
- Hey, how you doing? - And rich from playing cards.
- Hey, I'm from Dorchester.
- Big Red Sox fan.
- Smart man.
And you may have heard of LeBron James.
Ha ha! No idea who this guy is.
- Reggie, what's up, man? - What's up, man? - I didn't know you was gonna be here.
- Yeah, you know, I just been - concentrating on my day job.
- See, that is exactly why - you are the best player in the world.
- "Best player in the world.
" - I like that.
I'm gonna use that.
- You like that? All right.
Careful, shit like that can bite you in the ass.
See, that's the difference between me and you, Jimmy.
You know, I got faith in people.
Fuck people and fuck their other people.
Don't mind him.
He's been drinking since noon.
Welcome to the big time, shit box.
- Ah, thank you, fucko.
- That's pronounced "fuck-ee.
" - You taught me that.
- Only three easy lessons.
- Blow me, cocksucker.
- Now, you see, that's just redundant.
Reggie's very particular about language, for fuck sake.
I've marked you for 100,000 to start off.
- Wonderful.
Thank you.
- All right, gentlemen.
Plumb your assholes.
I got an extra stack of chips up there right now.
All right, Jupiter, you got nine out of 15 right, Jack.
- That is very good.
- Same score as Eli Manning.
- Who's that? - The Jewish Manning brother.
- How did I do? - You'd be a good football player, - 'cause you dumb as hell.
- Julius.
You got four out of 15 right, which means you got 11 out of 15 wrong.
Okay.
That's why we take practice tests, so we can shake the rust off.
It's been a while since I felt the pressures of an exam.
Jupiter, it also suggests a profession.
For you, an attorney.
- That's what's up.
I like that.
- And it suggests for you - Oh, uh, I don't need to know.
a janitor or a night watchman.
- Thank you.
- Night watchman is a a noble profession.
- You keep the block safe.
- And janitors deal with toilets.
Everybody needs toilets.
Matter of fact, I need one now.
- Did I get that first one wrong? - Oh, yeah.
Aw, man, that one was easy.
See, you just subtract this shit from that shit.
Then you divide it by the other shit.
You ain't even gotta finish all the division once you see the first number is a two.
Yeah, that's true.
Very good, Jupiter.
You got a knack for this.
Plus I I got a little trick.
See, I just take all the questions and replace the nouns with pills.
Like this one.
This one would be "Two-Tone got Percocets at $22 each and Oxys at 19.
If he owe 255 by Friday, how he gonna prime his stash?" - Show show me on paper.
- I can't.
- You got a medicine cabinet? - Not filled with Oxys and Percocets.
You know what? Let's try it again.
Yeah, rack up another one of these gentle bitches.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Dope dress.
- Dope tie.
I'll take one of those.
Appreciate you, Tom.
- Say it.
- I don't need to.
Tom, just say it, man.
We know you think it.
Say it.
I'm the best poker player in the world.
Man, I love that Jewish trash talk.
Randy, get Jeffrey Shinestein on line one.
So, Jimmy, nail any Russian models recently, for fuck sake? I can't help it.
It's herring in a barrel.
They're incredibly hot, and they're attracted to private aviation.
Plus American men are very appealing in comparison to the men of their homeland.
Slavic men have flat skulls in the back.
Less brain, I assume.
Can't be saying shit like that out loud, man.
Who's listening but us? Can't be much fun to date behind the Iron Curtain.
The Iron Curtain is what I call my prenup.
Ugh, I already feel sorry for your next wife.
Me, too.
She'll be an accidentally beautiful girl from some inbred village in the Ukraine who was born the day I was kicked out of grad school, she'll marry me for my money, tolerate my gray, sagging balls, and my unconvincing erections like some kind of sexual saint.
And then five years later, I'll throw her back with nothing but a pre-negotiated monthly stipend and the awful memory of the noises I make when I cum.
- Whoa, man.
- Five years is optimistic.
- Reg, you married, right? - Yeah, happily.
Why you ask? I'm trying to get Jimmy to shut the hell up.
- I fold.
- Jimmy, card.
Yeah, since his pinhead folded, I gotta play whether I got something or not.
Which I may or may not.
We'll see.
Reggie? Ah, five-foot nothing, a hundred and nothing, which is a shame, because I think I'm sitting next to rich bluffer number one and rich bluffer number two.
- I fold.
- Fold.
Dealer's in.
Let's see 'em.
Oh! He got bullets.
Both of y'all match that pot.
Oh, Tom Werner, silent assassin.
They never see it coming.
There goes my underpants.
- Boxers or briefs? - Ugh.
- What the fuck did you just ask him? - It's a perfectly legitimate question.
- Michael Jordan wears tighty blackies.
- What the - Oh, my - Ahem.
- Reg, I told you to bring Cam to Nike.
- Oh What is it already? - Jupe, you got ten out of 15 correct.
- Yes.
And your comparable is Steve Young.
Consider a career as a chemical engineer.
- Missy, you got five out of 15.
- Damn it! - You Cuba Gooding, Jr.
's comparable.
- Really? - Excuse me.
I mean Radio.
- You kidding me? You're telling me I'm so dumb, I'm not even a real person? I'm a fictional idiot? Well, "Radio" was based on a true story.
I like this place.
Food's delicious.
Company's all right.
- I actually can't taste the food.
- Why not? I don't taste anything when I'm out with you.
I don't see anything but you, don't hear anything except your voice, don't Look, you gotta stop saying stuff like that.
- Why? - Because at some point, - I'm gonna start to believe it.
- And that's bad? Awful.
The road to ruin.
I've been exposed to HPV.
It's a noncancerous strain.
Um, I don't have symptoms, but, um, I could still have it.
And I've read everything that I could about it, most of which is vague and confusing.
But, you know, the bottom line is, even if we do use protection, there's a small chance I could give it to you.
I don't mean to presume.
I mean, it seems like we're headed towards being together.
I hope so, anyways, so, you know, I want you to know.
I'm sorry.
It was a stupid thing to bring up.
Or too soon.
Or something.
That's what you call a bell you can't un-ring.
I'm Should I get the check? I'm gonna get the check.
- I'm sorry that happened to you.
- Yeah, me, too.
- You know what it makes you? - An outcast.
A stained person.
Not the HPV.
The HPV, I really don't care for.
That I admit.
But the fact that you told me, - you know what that makes you? - A loser? It makes you a man I could love.
Eat your dinner.
Try to taste it.
Who knows, maybe life is good.
I'm over here thinking, and I want you guys to ponder it a little bit.
Has nothing to do with the game, but Y'all know those big trees? Like, those redwood trees, those giant trees.
How could they not have consciousness? Thanks a lot, LeBron.
I got, like, 12 fireplaces in this place.
You gotta go green, Jimmy.
- Tom? - I got 15 fireplaces.
No, no, actually, uh, it's on you.
- Big pot to match if I'm wrong.
- You're never wrong.
It's true.
Guts.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Chen? - No guts, no glory.
- Ah, I got bupkis, for fuck sake.
- He's overusing that.
- I know.
Best player in the world? Oh, I got a good hand.
What do you have over there? This is a big pot right here.
That's why the cards got backs on 'em, huh? I got guts.
I'm gonna call.
- Look, I'm gonna stay.
- Reminds me of another number 23 who once sat at this table.
I got Hornets floor seats for life.
- Jimmy? - Ah fuck it.
I'm folding.
It's on you, big man.
Come on.
It's only a fifth of a million dollars.
- I got a chance.
- I think we all can see that you do.
Maybe, or maybe you see what I want you to see.
Oh, he's good, this guy.
I love this game.
Can I just say that I love this game? I will pay you to stop saying it.
Yeah, the pachinko machines are down the hall.
- Japanese, for fuck sake.
- Reg, destiny's calling.
And common sense is trying not to answer the phone.
Guts.
Oh, man.
Three in.
Tom.
- Pair of kings.
- Oh, great hand.
But I got you.
I got a queen high to the flush.
Uh, no, no, no.
Ace high to the flush.
Man! Feels like you just took the greatest shit of your life.
- Am I right? - Yeah.
Man, Reg, now you got, huh, you got Werner's underpants now.
And that that never happens.
Yeah, check the label.
If it says "Flaherty," I want 'em back.
Way to go, Reg.
That was a great call.
- Man, way to go.
- Thank you.
- That's me? That's me? - That's you.
You can get that.
- I'll get it.
- Man, congrats.
- Thank you.
- Not bad, my man.
Not bad.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Good night, rich bluffers.
Hey, fuck you, Jimmy.
Next time.
Next time.
Don't worry, sir.
I'll hit it again.
Thank you.
And can we keep this between us? You have any idea how many people have thrown up in this driveway? Shit.
I'm not having a baby.
I don't want to bring a moron child into this world.
I won't know what to do, Reggie.
I'll try to breast-feed him with my ass.
I think the baby would know the difference in smell.
Mine won't.
Baby, you're the smartest person I know.
You need to meet more people.
You know the difference between your life and Jupiter's? You got time to think.
You don't need no Wonderlic.
Oh, fuck me, Reggie.
Ah! Fuck me like a janitor! Make me clean the floor! Ah! Fuck my retarded brains out! Yo Babe, you can't say "retarded.
" - That just like, it's not cool.
- Huh? - It's not cool.
- You really mad right now? No, I'm just saying, I'm now thinking about this kid Reggie, fuck me! Shut up! Give me a minute.
I'ma gonna get it back.
Now I'm thinking about this fucking kid I went to school with named Joseph.
- Jesus, give me a second.
- Oh, God.
Why would you say "retarded"? God damn it.
Okay, all right.
Here we go.
I'm back.
- Oh, fuck my brains out! - That shouldn't take long.