The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s02e09 Episode Script
Everything Starts With Gaia
I found Yggdrasil.
The greatest and best of all trees from which all life flows? On behalf of us all, can I just say one thing? That is for being you.
In the space of, what? A day? You managed to turn millions of dollars into a bunch of deadbeats on bicycles? Yep, pretty much.
I feel the need to get wasted.
What? Nothing.
Have you noticed how weird she's been since she got back? Zeb, can you please help? My father is a prick.
It was nice seeing you all.
So you have no idea why the cameras and everything? My father's a control freak, and in Jacob he's found a mate.
Gaia means the world to me.
If you try this keeping her prisoner shit again, you will not see her for dust.
I am now your legal guardian.
What? How else do you think I got your dad to back off and see sense? Me and Zeb - we own you.
Is that so? What are you doing? I had a dream.
OK, are you still having it and am I in it? You tell me.
Move.
Ow! A verbal 'no' would have also worked.
Seriously, why are you doing whatever you're doing now? It's far too early in the morning.
Well, I wanted to do it before I forgot.
I dreamt exactly how our flat should look.
Uh-huh, and this is it? No, but if I keep moving stuff, sooner or later it will be.
Right.
Do I even ask? She had a dream.
Furniture-moving dream.
That's symbolic.
Symbolic of how she's been acting really strange lately.
Yeah.
Which is my cue to go serve breakfast junk food to the masses.
Have fun.
What do you think? Lots of things, like, maybe you should take a break and get ready for work now.
No need.
I quit.
You quit? I don't like these chairs here.
You quit? Yes.
That's what I just said.
Why? Cos it felt like the right thing to do at the time.
At what time? When I woke up this morning and phoned in to tell them I quit.
Gaia, people don't just wake up, quit their jobs and move furniture.
I did.
Grab a chair.
OK, you're going to make me do this the hard way, aren't you? Fine.
What is going on with you? You haven't been yourself for a while, and now 'off the planet' is one way to describe it.
No, it's not.
Are you pregnant? Same shin.
Same time of stupid question.
There's nothing wrong with me, Axl.
Where is she? Where's my daughter? Oh good! Bryn's here.
What are you doing here? Hi, honey.
Um, you remember all those times we talked about how emergencies can happen at any time and we must always be ready to leave at a moment's notice? To practise evacuations of the house? Such good times! Well, this is your moment's notice.
Too bad.
I'm busy.
Gaia! Why do we need to evacuate the house? Is she ready? Not quite.
Sweetness, we really really need to leave here now.
Yes, we do.
No, we don't.
Gaia, please.
We need to go.
Then go! Because I'm not going anywhere with anyone! And I'm not off the planet! And I'm definitely not pregnant! And none of this furniture's in the right place! So just leave me alone! Gaia! OK, what is going on here? Listen to me before it's too late.
She's not here, Eggther.
Thought you could fool us with a possum heart, did you? Possum heart? I've no idea what you're talking about.
Thought we'd be too stupid to figure it out, but we did.
Ja, it took us 20 years, and don't go trying to deny it, cos we even got it DNA tested, and it's definitely a marsupial heart and not a tiny little girl heart.
So where is she? I dunno what possum heart you're talking about, but I know that was my door you kicked in.
Not cool! Stay out of it.
And there he is - your little friend.
Me? No.
I-I was just passing through.
I smelled pies.
I I thought this place was a bakery.
Don't give me that dwarf crap.
I know bakery when I see one.
Where Hey! Is the girl? I don't know.
Liar.
Whatever this is, this is totally out of line.
This room smells like the pretty room on the island.
Is it her smell? Is this her room? You tell me where she right now or I will rip Start explaining.
Hey! Where do you think you're going?! We need to find Gaia.
We need to call the police is what we need to do.
No, no, that's a bad idea.
Worst idea ever.
Him in there does not deal well with authority figures.
Trust me.
Now, we we have to find Gaia.
Her life depends on it.
There she is.
Good idea.
What are you doing? You need to drive.
I was getting away from you two.
No, no, no, we need to flee here now.
Before he wakes up.
Before who wakes up? Did you not see the large man who was apparently after you? Oh, I was too busy falling out a fucking window getting away from these two.
Why is he after me? Is this another one of your drug deals gone wrong? Yes, yes, it is.
I'm sorry.
What's that got to do with Gaia? I'll explain all that, but only if we can leave this place now.
Now! Leaving a psycho in my flat? Better than here trying to kill us.
It doesn't matter.
The designated driver key doesn't start the car.
Give it here.
Get in.
It's not going to start.
There's a knack to it, that's all.
Bet it won't.
Are you OK? Just a sprain.
I haven't jumped out a window since I was a teenager.
Can we talk about this as we drive away in a forward motion, please? This day sucks.
Is it almost over? It's morning, Anders, so no.
Oh, but that's hours until lunch.
Well, you could fill the void by finding some clients.
Did you ring those netball people again? I told you I left them messages lots of them - and I got one back: 'Your services are no longer required as our PR company,' from their new PR company.
Traitorous bitches.
After all I did for them.
Last time you spoke to them, you got drunk at the end-of-season awards and speculated loudly on whether or not the best and fairest was a true blonde while she was giving her acceptance speech.
And she totally was, as it turned out.
OK, so, the status report is that we have two clients - the crappy dog-food company and the makers of that inedible cereal.
Correct.
And if I had a dog, I wouldn't feed it either of those products.
Oh, Ty, morning tea.
I think I love you.
I thought maybe you could use caffeine right now.
You have no idea.
How come she's your favourite, not me? Oh, and a scone to go with it.
You are so sweet.
Oh, that is so Oh no, imaginary vomit.
Now, I forget - does this go in the rubbish or can I recycle it? Anyone? I have a job nearby.
I'm a bit early.
I thought it'd be a nice thing to do something foreign to you.
Is your job nearby in a bar? Why? Wh No.
Yes.
They're not open, Anders.
But they will be.
You can't leave.
Actually, I can and I am.
When you no longer see me, that is when you'll know for sure.
I'll hold your tools for you.
Oh, sounds rude, eh? Sorry.
Not your fault.
Oh, come on, Axl.
You can't just walk in here whenever you like.
I'm not open for business.
Uh, that's not what your pants are saying.
Look, I'm sorry for interrupting, but Gaia's had an accident.
I'm fine, honestly.
Except for your arm.
Uh, she she fell while she was redecorating our flat this morning.
I'm fine.
Could you maybe have a look? Sure.
And can we have a word downstairs? About what? Downstairs.
It's just a sprain, really.
If this is a drug deal you two stuffed up, why are they coming after Gaia? Look, I can understand why you might be upset.
Upset? This huge dude broke my front door down, started smashing stuff looking for Gaia, all because he's pissed off with this little shit.
Who is this little shit? Mike, meet Gaia's father and her ex-boyfriend.
Look, I'm sorry, OK, but you know that Gaia is the most precious thing in the world to me, right? Well, so do they, which is why we have to get her away from here.
Look, I'm I'm thoroughly aware that this looks bad.
Looks bad? But if we can just put some distance between us and them, it'll all be fine.
'Them'? Who is 'them'? What are you doing, Olaf? Would it be possible to have a quiet word with you down here? You too.
You stay here.
Is this really important right now? Yes.
So what's up with the giant and the dwarf in the bar? Is that the start of a joke? Often it is, but right now it's because there's a giant and a dwarf in the bar.
Are you stoned, Olaf? My drug status has nothing to do with this, Mike.
There's a giant and a dwarf in your bar.
He's not tall enough to be a giant.
No, he's the dwarf.
The other one's the giant.
No, that's Gaia's father.
Huh? Oh, that's odd, because Gaia definitely doesn't smell like a giant.
What do giants smell like? Pie.
Dwarves smell more gamey - kind like fear.
OK, Grandpa, now is a really bad time for one of your spin-outs.
Fine, if you don't believe me Oi, you, giant.
You, dwarf.
What's your business here? What? What are you talking about? Are you one of those midget giants I've heard about? OK, you're clearly off your rocker, whoever you are.
And you you're remarkably tall for a dwarf.
Freakishly tall.
Who are you? I'm Badlr, the reborn.
Question is, who are you? No.
Ullr.
Oh God.
You're gods.
Odin.
No.
No.
No.
Are you smiling? What? You are.
You're smiling.
Stop it.
It's unnerving.
Next you'll be whistling while you work.
I enjoy my work.
No, you don't.
How can anyone enjoy what you do? At least I have work to do, Anders.
Are you banging Dawn again? No.
Oh, I see.
You're just friends and that friendship's making you happy.
That is so tragic.
Sorry, is my happiness getting in the way of your depression? Yes, it is, so knock it off.
And I've been thinking everything is Mike's fault.
That you're depressed? Everything.
My business is in the toilet - Mike's fault.
You were going to sweet-talk your clients back.
You can't sweet-talk those who won't returned your calls.
Cos you abandoned them for months? Our mother is gone - Mike's fault.
Don't forget why you had to marry the nightmare that almost sucked the life out of you - Mike's fault.
Anders, you seem to be forgetting that we all lost our powers.
That was not Mike's fault.
You, Ty, seem to be forgetting that because Mike was an arrogant cock who thought he could play with our money like it was his own, he lost millions that was owed to us.
Now you're stuck repairing fridges when you could be using your time and that money on a better cause like figuring out a way to become mortal so you can be with Dawn, because that high that you're feeling from your little morning-tea stalking you did that'll wear off.
And you'll realise you are no closer to being with her than you were before you dropped $10 on a coffee and a scone.
Oh, don't worry.
We'll take it off the bill.
Good as almost new.
Medicinal brandy? It's a bit early, isn't it? So? You're a nurse, not a surgeon.
I'm not actually a nurse any more.
I quit.
You quit? Screw the brandy.
We need champagne.
My rule is if you quit, retire, marry, divorce, hook up, break up or even just feel like it, you need to celebrate.
I suppose one couldn't hurt.
Not any more than redecorating your flat did, eh? Oh good! You're drinking before noon.
I just wanted to make sure you're OK and, uh, you're not moving Mike's furniture round.
I'm fine.
She's fine.
You father's gone, by the way.
How'd you get him to leave? Oh, he kinda left of his own accord.
Are you OK up here a bit longer? That OK with you? She has champagne.
She's fine.
OK.
What are you doing? Nothing.
I, uh I couldn't smell anything.
That's because your nose is untalented.
To a talented nose, Gaia smells like sunshine and flowers, not pies or fear.
Well, if Gaia's not a giant, then how can her dad be a giant? Clearly, he's not her dad.
So what have giants - and tall dwarfs, for that matter - got to do with it? That's something only a giant or dwarf can answer.
Where is she? Bathroom.
What's so special about her? Oh, nothing, nothing.
It's just I need you to watch over her while I'm gone, and whatever you do, don't let anyone in.
But if she's not special Just need to keep her safe for a while, OK? From what? From bad people who want to bad things, OK? Right.
You go ahead.
I got this.
And the bar is closed for the day.
Yes, it is.
Guess what - open bar.
Axl? Gaia? Hello? Who are you? No-one.
Where is she? Where is who? What's in the bag? Reject burgers from where I work, which I swear is not stealing since they've already been rejected.
Stop where you are.
Are you Freki? Um, no, Freki's a Brazilian footballer.
That's funny, cos not so long ago, I killed Freki in a bar in Tromso.
Oh.
Oh.
Ja.
Who the hell are you? I am Eggther.
The Eggther? You've heard of me? I've read stuff - in books.
Really? That's pretty cool.
So what gives a puny mortal like you naming rights to Odin's wolf? Nothing.
I-I just like to dress up and pretend.
But I know people - powerful people.
Not even people - gods.
That's right, my best friend is a god - not just any god, the most powerful god of them all.
Odin.
Uh, ooh, now this one was declined in Oslo at a restaurant that served the most delicious bottle of $300 wine.
That was embarrassing.
I thought you were meant to be on a top-secret mission.
I have to eat, don't I? Do you have any idea how fiendishly expensive Norway is? No.
The plan was Mum would reimburse me when I got back, but I can't see that happening.
Can you? Bloody Mike.
Behold my last un-declined credit card.
Oh, it's Mike.
Oh, no, don't you dare answer that.
Mike the control freak who denied you to the right to find out how not to be you any more? Nope, it's OK.
Gone now.
Oh my God, now he's calling me.
I'm not answering this, you prick.
Don't.
I didn't.
It was good.
Does he think he can ring us any time and we'll drop everything and take his call? True, but maybe not any more.
True that.
From now on we talk to Mike whenever we want to talk to Mike? Yeah? Especially not when he rings for us in an offensive calling order.
So, do you want to test the limits of this card and order another bottle? Nah, probably shouldn't.
Nah, but what we should, my brother, is we should be the gods we're capable of being if Mike hadn't killed Mum before she could show us the secrets of the stick.
I can't believe she'd send you all the way to Norway to fetch a stick.
I know.
I mean, you're not a dog.
You're aYou're a god.
That's right.
You haven't seen the stick, have you? Do you want to see my stick? Sure.
Waiter! Cross your fingers.
After all those years of looking after yourself.
Of denying my true self.
Hey, I made sacrifices too.
Some of the things I did makes my skin crawl.
No.
Settle down, boys.
Ullr, of course.
It wasn't exactly hard.
You didn't go more than a couple of blocks.
I was hungry.
And you are Odin.
Stupid, stupid, stupid giant.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I knew there was something about you I didn't like.
Yeah, I'm Odin.
But who are you? My name is Hllebard.
Jacob.
Your real name.
Jacob.
I really like it as a name.
I didn't want to change it.
So start talking.
I'm eating.
It's rude to talk with your mouth full.
Start with Gaia.
Yes, it does.
What? Everything starts with Gaia.
So you cut this from the actual Tree of Life? I did.
Was that wise? It's a big tree, Ty.
It's huge.
It's not going to miss one teeny branch.
But what if when you cut this bit off, like, a whole village was swept away in a landslide? I did not think about that while I was pruning.
Huh.
Nah, I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that.
Thought you had no idea how it works.
Hey maybe this can help you on your quest for mortality.
There.
That do anything? No.
How about down there where life starts? Little wriggle? That's disrespectful to the stick.
Useless stick of uselessness.
Tree of Life my arse.
Tree of Useless.
Unlike this, which I also brought back from Norway.
- Yes, it tastes like paint thinner, but - it gets the job done.
Cheers.
Are we ready now? After all those years of vegan crap, you have no idea how good that was.
You said you liked my cooking.
Excuse me.
Gaia.
What about her? She's not your biological daughter, is she? Does she look like my daughter? I remember the first time I laid eyes on Gaia, all those years ago lying there in that squalor.
So beautiful, so innocent.
So in need of care.
How could I bring harm to this beautiful, beautiful child? Who were her parents? They were the worst sort of creatures to walk the face of this earth.
They didn't deserve to be called parents having that beautiful child in that toxic room as they manufactured that poison.
I am her father and her mother, and I raised her and I protected her.
Even though you were sent here to kill her? Her parents - they were gods, weren't they? What? We are no friends of the gods, giants and dwarfs.
But even by your venal, arrogant standards, they did not deserve to be called such.
Sorry are you saying that Gaia's a goddess? I told you giving her a hippy goddess name was too much of a clue.
It was Waiheke.
I was trying to blend in.
No.
No, she's not a goddess.
Not yet.
Is she? I don't know why the furniture needed moving.
All I know is I had this crazy dream about how the furniture should look and it woke me up, so at 5am I'm up moving furniture.
But not before I phone in to quit my job.
You had a vision.
Or just a dream.
Have you been behaving strangely lately? Depends what you mean.
Mood swings? Out-of-character behaviour? Heightened sexual urges? Making sudden outlandish decisions without really knowing why? That sort of stuff.
Maybe.
But I'm definitely not pregnant.
I talked to myself quite a lot.
When? Uh, sometimes.
Top up, Gaia? No, but she's 22.
The 21 thing applies to goddesses, right? Oh, hell yes.
Those last few months before they turn 21 and change nightmare of hormonal freakiness.
Trust me, you don't want to be anywhere near that shit.
How old is she, Bryn? I had to move some numbers around, shave a year here and there on a form or two.
A fake birth certificate.
And when I had to put her into a regular school Because you couldn't home-school a hamster.
Waiheke Home-School Association Parent of the Year two years in a row, excuse me very much.
How was I to know she'd want to socialise with her peers? She was a teenager.
That is the problem with giants.
You can't think things through.
How old is she, Bryn? You know the problem with you? You're a dwarf and you're always beading.
You leave my beading out of this! I did most of the hard work while you swanned around.
And I had to give up the best meat-eating years of my life.
And I had to pretend I was gay.
At least you didn't have to pretend you were straight.
Will you shut up? What have you got to do with this, anyway, friend of Snow White? Oh, that is such an offensive term to us dwarfs.
That's typically god-like.
Answer the question, runt.
I was like him.
I was sent down here to kill her.
And I tracked them to Waiheke, because giants are so complete crap at hiding.
And then I laid eyes on her.
And all thoughts of killing her went away.
And I all I wanted to do instead was to protect her.
From the likes of you.
By becoming her boyfriend? I've been on the fringes of Gaia's life for a long time, keeping watch.
The boyfriend thing was his genius idea to deal with the inevitable.
What inevitable? The 21 inevitable.
As much as you try, you can't fight time.
Of course, the alternative is that she's actually barking mad.
No way.
She is so on her way to becoming one of us.
A new sister.
Yay.
But she doesn't really strike me as the goddess type.
But she's got a goddess name.
Exactly.
Isn't that just a tad obvious? Sometimes the universe is obvious, Stacey.
Not to me, it's not.
Well, that's because you're a dark and suspicious person.
How's that arm of yours? OK.
Hardly hurts at all now.
But just in case, I prepared some more anaesthetic.
Oh.
OK.
It was like a clock was ticking.
Because there is a ticking clock.
Yes, ticking clock.
Got it.
But why did you and you want to kill her in the first place? That's what I want to know.
I think that's quite obvious, Axl.
Not to me.
Because of the prophecy that a new dark age would begin for giants And dwarfs.
with the birth of a child under southern stars.
So we were chosen and trained to hunt out the child.
And to end her.
And what did we do instead? Well, you, mainly.
Delivered her unto the one she needed to be kept away from.
Thus fulfilling the prophecy.
Unless it is he who is ended.
Like I didn't see that coming.
She is Frig.
Yes, Axl.
That's what they're saying.
Midget giants.
It's freaky.
Took my father some time to digest my physical handicap.
That's what he called it - a handicap.
The other giants used to laugh at me too.
But when they needed someone for the great mission - to walk amongst the mortals - who did they turn to? On that note, you try to kill my brother again, we won't be so nice.
My killing days are gone.
Not that they ever started.
Look who's talking.
And Gaia knows nothing about any of this? Well, strangely, we never sat down and had that chat.
So, how did you get away with it? Well, clearly I didn't, given that Odin and Frig ended up flatting together.
No, no, no, with all the giants and the dwarfs too, I suppose with the 'not killing her' thing.
Well, I was meant to bring back her heart as proof, so I sent back a possum heart about the same size as a baby's with a note saying that I had met a large woman and was settling in NZ.
And I just kept telling them I couldn't find her.
The guy at the flat he was talking about possum hearts.
Yeah, that's Eggther.
As in watchman of the giants Eggther? Watchman, herdsman, executioner.
Eggther is here? Yeah, to kill her.
And me.
And anyone else who gets in his way.
Zeb.
Their name doesn't matter Eggther will kill them.
Zeb will be getting home from work at the flat where the Egg guy is.
I've been thinking a lot about love and life and destiny.
You think too much.
What if we can never get what we want - what destiny wants for us? That's deep! Depressing.
Especially from a man who strains with all his being to fight the shit hand destiny dealt him.
Mm.
No, no, I think that's bullshit.
Destiny doesn't happen to you.
You make destiny happen.
Destiny's a decision.
No, you can't decide your destiny.
'Course you can.
Otherwise it wouldn't be destiny.
OK.
Perfect example - my flight home from Norway, there was this super-hot flight attendant.
She was in coach; I was in first-class, obviously.
Left to destiny that happens to other people, we wouldn't have met.
But I needed to go to the toilet, and we did meet, because instead of using the facility in the front of the plane, I chose to use the ones in the back with all the cattle, because I had decided it was my destiny to fuck her, and I did, right over Kazakhstan.
Now I'm hard just thinking about it.
You could have left the last part out.
Actually, the last part is all I can think about, which is why the next girl I see, I am going to make my cock her destiny.
The very next do-able girl, I mean, and we are going to find that woman.
So you can be her cock of destiny.
And drink until we are declined.
Come, Ice Man, my wingman.
We should seek reinforcements.
There's five of us, one of him.
Dwarfs aren't known for their fighting prowess.
I thought you were a dwarf assassin.
And did I assassinate anyone? Axl, you should stay out.
We can't risk you.
No, no, that's shedding numbers, not gaining them.
No way.
He's my mate.
OK, but you stay with me.
You two, you go round the back.
The rest of us will fan out Or simply walk in the front door.
Grandpa! He's not here, but he's been here.
He has a very distinctive smell.
Bacon-and-egg pie? Uh viscera.
Minced-up organs, like haggis.
Zeb! Zeb.
It's too late.
Oh shit.
Zeb? Think you can trap me, do you, Odin? Who is this? Your worst nightmare.
Eggther.
Ja, and I know you're Odin, cos a little birdie told me so.
I want the girl.
I know.
Bring her to me, or your friend Zeb - he die.
And bring me one of those roast chickens - the ones from the supermarket.
I'll contact you later to make arrangements.
Now, put Hllebard on the telephone.
He wants to talk to you.
Hey, Eggther.
Make sure they bring the girl - and the chicken.
Any tricks and you die with Odin's friend.
Hey, when you say 'die with Odin's friend', you don't mean die die, right? I mean, it was just for effect, right? Like in the movies, right? No.
I mean die die.
Ah, yes, this seems pleasing.
Uh, waiter, a bottle of your finest pinot, please, and two glasses.
This is pinot, right, so try not to chill it too much.
Ah, yes, amusing! Waiter, can we start up a bar tab, please? Are you sure that's wise? Destiny, my brother, will provide.
I thought you made your own destiny.
Ah, don't quibble.
And they're off.
So, is the roast chicken code? No, Eggther eats a lot, even by giant standards.
Can I say something? This might not be the most popular option, but this said person is mortal, and quite often, they get sacrificed in situations like this.
That is true.
Plus, he is quite annoying.
We are not sacrificing anyone, especially my best friend.
Let me check on how we're doing.
No, Grandpa.
Not now.
Oh, that looks beautiful.
Hello.
Oh, we've had a fun time.
Yeah, I can sense that.
Did you sort stuff out? Uh, not quite.
Meanwhile, you've been having a party.
Oh, you know, birds of a feather.
Well, if you could keep those birds up here, that would be good.
She's her, isn't she? Just keep everyone here, OK? Haven't you noticed? I'm not very good at doing what I'm told.
If you do this, you will be rewarded.
Hmm.
how? Any way you want.
I can work with that.
Olaf.
Some of us think better with a drink in our hand.
OK, goddess head count is at four a drunk and stoned four, but at least in one place.
So what are we going to do about Zeb? Just a thought, but have we completely ruled out giving him Gaia in exchange? I mean, in many ways she has grown up to be something of a disappointment.
What is this dwarf still doing here? That's right, go on, feed into the stereotype.
Toss the dwarf.
OK, we are not giving him Gaia.
Agreed? Agreed.
How would you deal with Eggther? Apart from running away? Yes.
Has he got any weaknesses? Gluttony? There is a school of thought that says when you have an angry giant, the best solution is to find something angrier.
No.
I told you I think better with a drink in my hand.
No way.
Do we have an alternative, Lord Odin? Oh for fuck's sake, can't a man have a shit in peace? Who is this? Hello, Derrick.
My Lord Odin? Yes, Thor, it is I.
And we need your help.
You do? Yep.
I have dreamed of this day since the last time we met.
How may I serve, my Lord? We need your skills.
Any time, anywhere You need to come to Auckland.
Really? You're going to make me come to that shithole? Can't we go somewhere? We have a little giant problem here.
You've got giants in Auckland? Yeah, we do.
I hate giants.
I know.
I mean, I've never actually met one, but I'd love to kill one, being Thor and all.
Yep, that's why we called you.
I'm on my way, my Lord.
Thor's on board.
I want nothing to do with this.
Your objection's been noted.
That deity is an of fence against all things civilised.
Trust me, we know.
Now what? Now we wait.
I'll get Ty and Anders up to speed although what help Anders will be in a situation like this is anyone's guess.
What about Gaia? Isn't it about time someone told her what's going on and who she is? I mean, doesn't she have the right to know? That would seem fair.
I want to do it.
But you need to do it with me.
The only way Gaia will believe her life from birth until now has been a lie is if the main liar fronts up with the truth.
On one level, yes.
But also she may attack me.
What if you break it to her and then later on I? For Gaia, Bryn.
You owe it to her.
Fine.
For Gaia.
A-And not here.
I don't want to tell her she's my destiny in some manky bar.
Hey! I want her to be somewhere she feels safe and happy.
Any ideas? Beautiful! So pretty.
Wow.
Ingrid did my hair.
Yeah, she did.
It's, uh Wow.
I love it.
Uh, so your dad and I were wondering if you wanted to grab a bite? You know, since it's lunchtime and all.
And we could have a talk.
I'm not going back with him.
No, never.
It's actually about the opposite of going back with him - about never going back.
Please, it's important.
OK.
Well? I can neither confirm nor deny.
Oh, you bastard.
I don't fancy anyone in this bar.
I fancy you more than any woman in this bar.
Pass.
I hate this bar.
OK, I'm going to go take a slash and then we're getting out of here.
As Odin has his Frigg, Eden has her Bragi.
So if Helen meets Anders She will fall in love with Bragi, like she has countless times over thousands of years.
She will continue to love him until it ends badly for her.
Anders? Anders, are you in there? Little busy right now.
Wrap it up.
We need to get the hell out of here.
Ty? Hey, messing with the cock of destiny, bro.
You've always loved the beach, eh? Since you were a little girl.
We've spent many an afternoon enjoying the sea and the sand.
Remember? I should've taken more pictures.
Dad, you know that's meat you're eating, right? Oh, is it? Well, look at that.
Mmm, delicious.
I think that's enough with the hot dogs, Bryn.
It's time.
Time for what? Right.
There are some things that I need to tell you, Gaia, and I'm not sure how to say any of them, so I'm just going to say them all of them - in one breath, if possible, OK? Here we go.
I'm not actually a vegetarian.
I'm not actually gay.
I am not actually even human, but a midget giant.
I'm not actually your biological father, but I love you and all I have ever done has been to protect you.
Oh, and you're two years younger than you think, which, if you were 40, you'd be happy to receive this news, but I can see by the look on your face, you're not - happy or 40.
Bryn, do you want me to take it from here? Yes.
Sorry.
There's no easy way to say this, but if you hear me out, it will explain all the weird stuff that has been happening in your life.
You see, there's a story - except it's a real story, as it turns out about a god named Odin, who is the king of all Norse gods, and a goddess named Frigg, who is his truly beloved, and they are destined to be together so they can rule the earth.
And the thing is these gods and goddesses all live in NZ, and me and my brothers are descendants of these gods, so, hi, I'm Odin, and guess who you are in this story.
You, Gaia, are soon to become Frigg his my truly beloved.
That's about it.
Mm.
OK, not a complete success.
The greatest and best of all trees from which all life flows? On behalf of us all, can I just say one thing? That is for being you.
In the space of, what? A day? You managed to turn millions of dollars into a bunch of deadbeats on bicycles? Yep, pretty much.
I feel the need to get wasted.
What? Nothing.
Have you noticed how weird she's been since she got back? Zeb, can you please help? My father is a prick.
It was nice seeing you all.
So you have no idea why the cameras and everything? My father's a control freak, and in Jacob he's found a mate.
Gaia means the world to me.
If you try this keeping her prisoner shit again, you will not see her for dust.
I am now your legal guardian.
What? How else do you think I got your dad to back off and see sense? Me and Zeb - we own you.
Is that so? What are you doing? I had a dream.
OK, are you still having it and am I in it? You tell me.
Move.
Ow! A verbal 'no' would have also worked.
Seriously, why are you doing whatever you're doing now? It's far too early in the morning.
Well, I wanted to do it before I forgot.
I dreamt exactly how our flat should look.
Uh-huh, and this is it? No, but if I keep moving stuff, sooner or later it will be.
Right.
Do I even ask? She had a dream.
Furniture-moving dream.
That's symbolic.
Symbolic of how she's been acting really strange lately.
Yeah.
Which is my cue to go serve breakfast junk food to the masses.
Have fun.
What do you think? Lots of things, like, maybe you should take a break and get ready for work now.
No need.
I quit.
You quit? I don't like these chairs here.
You quit? Yes.
That's what I just said.
Why? Cos it felt like the right thing to do at the time.
At what time? When I woke up this morning and phoned in to tell them I quit.
Gaia, people don't just wake up, quit their jobs and move furniture.
I did.
Grab a chair.
OK, you're going to make me do this the hard way, aren't you? Fine.
What is going on with you? You haven't been yourself for a while, and now 'off the planet' is one way to describe it.
No, it's not.
Are you pregnant? Same shin.
Same time of stupid question.
There's nothing wrong with me, Axl.
Where is she? Where's my daughter? Oh good! Bryn's here.
What are you doing here? Hi, honey.
Um, you remember all those times we talked about how emergencies can happen at any time and we must always be ready to leave at a moment's notice? To practise evacuations of the house? Such good times! Well, this is your moment's notice.
Too bad.
I'm busy.
Gaia! Why do we need to evacuate the house? Is she ready? Not quite.
Sweetness, we really really need to leave here now.
Yes, we do.
No, we don't.
Gaia, please.
We need to go.
Then go! Because I'm not going anywhere with anyone! And I'm not off the planet! And I'm definitely not pregnant! And none of this furniture's in the right place! So just leave me alone! Gaia! OK, what is going on here? Listen to me before it's too late.
She's not here, Eggther.
Thought you could fool us with a possum heart, did you? Possum heart? I've no idea what you're talking about.
Thought we'd be too stupid to figure it out, but we did.
Ja, it took us 20 years, and don't go trying to deny it, cos we even got it DNA tested, and it's definitely a marsupial heart and not a tiny little girl heart.
So where is she? I dunno what possum heart you're talking about, but I know that was my door you kicked in.
Not cool! Stay out of it.
And there he is - your little friend.
Me? No.
I-I was just passing through.
I smelled pies.
I I thought this place was a bakery.
Don't give me that dwarf crap.
I know bakery when I see one.
Where Hey! Is the girl? I don't know.
Liar.
Whatever this is, this is totally out of line.
This room smells like the pretty room on the island.
Is it her smell? Is this her room? You tell me where she right now or I will rip Start explaining.
Hey! Where do you think you're going?! We need to find Gaia.
We need to call the police is what we need to do.
No, no, that's a bad idea.
Worst idea ever.
Him in there does not deal well with authority figures.
Trust me.
Now, we we have to find Gaia.
Her life depends on it.
There she is.
Good idea.
What are you doing? You need to drive.
I was getting away from you two.
No, no, no, we need to flee here now.
Before he wakes up.
Before who wakes up? Did you not see the large man who was apparently after you? Oh, I was too busy falling out a fucking window getting away from these two.
Why is he after me? Is this another one of your drug deals gone wrong? Yes, yes, it is.
I'm sorry.
What's that got to do with Gaia? I'll explain all that, but only if we can leave this place now.
Now! Leaving a psycho in my flat? Better than here trying to kill us.
It doesn't matter.
The designated driver key doesn't start the car.
Give it here.
Get in.
It's not going to start.
There's a knack to it, that's all.
Bet it won't.
Are you OK? Just a sprain.
I haven't jumped out a window since I was a teenager.
Can we talk about this as we drive away in a forward motion, please? This day sucks.
Is it almost over? It's morning, Anders, so no.
Oh, but that's hours until lunch.
Well, you could fill the void by finding some clients.
Did you ring those netball people again? I told you I left them messages lots of them - and I got one back: 'Your services are no longer required as our PR company,' from their new PR company.
Traitorous bitches.
After all I did for them.
Last time you spoke to them, you got drunk at the end-of-season awards and speculated loudly on whether or not the best and fairest was a true blonde while she was giving her acceptance speech.
And she totally was, as it turned out.
OK, so, the status report is that we have two clients - the crappy dog-food company and the makers of that inedible cereal.
Correct.
And if I had a dog, I wouldn't feed it either of those products.
Oh, Ty, morning tea.
I think I love you.
I thought maybe you could use caffeine right now.
You have no idea.
How come she's your favourite, not me? Oh, and a scone to go with it.
You are so sweet.
Oh, that is so Oh no, imaginary vomit.
Now, I forget - does this go in the rubbish or can I recycle it? Anyone? I have a job nearby.
I'm a bit early.
I thought it'd be a nice thing to do something foreign to you.
Is your job nearby in a bar? Why? Wh No.
Yes.
They're not open, Anders.
But they will be.
You can't leave.
Actually, I can and I am.
When you no longer see me, that is when you'll know for sure.
I'll hold your tools for you.
Oh, sounds rude, eh? Sorry.
Not your fault.
Oh, come on, Axl.
You can't just walk in here whenever you like.
I'm not open for business.
Uh, that's not what your pants are saying.
Look, I'm sorry for interrupting, but Gaia's had an accident.
I'm fine, honestly.
Except for your arm.
Uh, she she fell while she was redecorating our flat this morning.
I'm fine.
Could you maybe have a look? Sure.
And can we have a word downstairs? About what? Downstairs.
It's just a sprain, really.
If this is a drug deal you two stuffed up, why are they coming after Gaia? Look, I can understand why you might be upset.
Upset? This huge dude broke my front door down, started smashing stuff looking for Gaia, all because he's pissed off with this little shit.
Who is this little shit? Mike, meet Gaia's father and her ex-boyfriend.
Look, I'm sorry, OK, but you know that Gaia is the most precious thing in the world to me, right? Well, so do they, which is why we have to get her away from here.
Look, I'm I'm thoroughly aware that this looks bad.
Looks bad? But if we can just put some distance between us and them, it'll all be fine.
'Them'? Who is 'them'? What are you doing, Olaf? Would it be possible to have a quiet word with you down here? You too.
You stay here.
Is this really important right now? Yes.
So what's up with the giant and the dwarf in the bar? Is that the start of a joke? Often it is, but right now it's because there's a giant and a dwarf in the bar.
Are you stoned, Olaf? My drug status has nothing to do with this, Mike.
There's a giant and a dwarf in your bar.
He's not tall enough to be a giant.
No, he's the dwarf.
The other one's the giant.
No, that's Gaia's father.
Huh? Oh, that's odd, because Gaia definitely doesn't smell like a giant.
What do giants smell like? Pie.
Dwarves smell more gamey - kind like fear.
OK, Grandpa, now is a really bad time for one of your spin-outs.
Fine, if you don't believe me Oi, you, giant.
You, dwarf.
What's your business here? What? What are you talking about? Are you one of those midget giants I've heard about? OK, you're clearly off your rocker, whoever you are.
And you you're remarkably tall for a dwarf.
Freakishly tall.
Who are you? I'm Badlr, the reborn.
Question is, who are you? No.
Ullr.
Oh God.
You're gods.
Odin.
No.
No.
No.
Are you smiling? What? You are.
You're smiling.
Stop it.
It's unnerving.
Next you'll be whistling while you work.
I enjoy my work.
No, you don't.
How can anyone enjoy what you do? At least I have work to do, Anders.
Are you banging Dawn again? No.
Oh, I see.
You're just friends and that friendship's making you happy.
That is so tragic.
Sorry, is my happiness getting in the way of your depression? Yes, it is, so knock it off.
And I've been thinking everything is Mike's fault.
That you're depressed? Everything.
My business is in the toilet - Mike's fault.
You were going to sweet-talk your clients back.
You can't sweet-talk those who won't returned your calls.
Cos you abandoned them for months? Our mother is gone - Mike's fault.
Don't forget why you had to marry the nightmare that almost sucked the life out of you - Mike's fault.
Anders, you seem to be forgetting that we all lost our powers.
That was not Mike's fault.
You, Ty, seem to be forgetting that because Mike was an arrogant cock who thought he could play with our money like it was his own, he lost millions that was owed to us.
Now you're stuck repairing fridges when you could be using your time and that money on a better cause like figuring out a way to become mortal so you can be with Dawn, because that high that you're feeling from your little morning-tea stalking you did that'll wear off.
And you'll realise you are no closer to being with her than you were before you dropped $10 on a coffee and a scone.
Oh, don't worry.
We'll take it off the bill.
Good as almost new.
Medicinal brandy? It's a bit early, isn't it? So? You're a nurse, not a surgeon.
I'm not actually a nurse any more.
I quit.
You quit? Screw the brandy.
We need champagne.
My rule is if you quit, retire, marry, divorce, hook up, break up or even just feel like it, you need to celebrate.
I suppose one couldn't hurt.
Not any more than redecorating your flat did, eh? Oh good! You're drinking before noon.
I just wanted to make sure you're OK and, uh, you're not moving Mike's furniture round.
I'm fine.
She's fine.
You father's gone, by the way.
How'd you get him to leave? Oh, he kinda left of his own accord.
Are you OK up here a bit longer? That OK with you? She has champagne.
She's fine.
OK.
What are you doing? Nothing.
I, uh I couldn't smell anything.
That's because your nose is untalented.
To a talented nose, Gaia smells like sunshine and flowers, not pies or fear.
Well, if Gaia's not a giant, then how can her dad be a giant? Clearly, he's not her dad.
So what have giants - and tall dwarfs, for that matter - got to do with it? That's something only a giant or dwarf can answer.
Where is she? Bathroom.
What's so special about her? Oh, nothing, nothing.
It's just I need you to watch over her while I'm gone, and whatever you do, don't let anyone in.
But if she's not special Just need to keep her safe for a while, OK? From what? From bad people who want to bad things, OK? Right.
You go ahead.
I got this.
And the bar is closed for the day.
Yes, it is.
Guess what - open bar.
Axl? Gaia? Hello? Who are you? No-one.
Where is she? Where is who? What's in the bag? Reject burgers from where I work, which I swear is not stealing since they've already been rejected.
Stop where you are.
Are you Freki? Um, no, Freki's a Brazilian footballer.
That's funny, cos not so long ago, I killed Freki in a bar in Tromso.
Oh.
Oh.
Ja.
Who the hell are you? I am Eggther.
The Eggther? You've heard of me? I've read stuff - in books.
Really? That's pretty cool.
So what gives a puny mortal like you naming rights to Odin's wolf? Nothing.
I-I just like to dress up and pretend.
But I know people - powerful people.
Not even people - gods.
That's right, my best friend is a god - not just any god, the most powerful god of them all.
Odin.
Uh, ooh, now this one was declined in Oslo at a restaurant that served the most delicious bottle of $300 wine.
That was embarrassing.
I thought you were meant to be on a top-secret mission.
I have to eat, don't I? Do you have any idea how fiendishly expensive Norway is? No.
The plan was Mum would reimburse me when I got back, but I can't see that happening.
Can you? Bloody Mike.
Behold my last un-declined credit card.
Oh, it's Mike.
Oh, no, don't you dare answer that.
Mike the control freak who denied you to the right to find out how not to be you any more? Nope, it's OK.
Gone now.
Oh my God, now he's calling me.
I'm not answering this, you prick.
Don't.
I didn't.
It was good.
Does he think he can ring us any time and we'll drop everything and take his call? True, but maybe not any more.
True that.
From now on we talk to Mike whenever we want to talk to Mike? Yeah? Especially not when he rings for us in an offensive calling order.
So, do you want to test the limits of this card and order another bottle? Nah, probably shouldn't.
Nah, but what we should, my brother, is we should be the gods we're capable of being if Mike hadn't killed Mum before she could show us the secrets of the stick.
I can't believe she'd send you all the way to Norway to fetch a stick.
I know.
I mean, you're not a dog.
You're aYou're a god.
That's right.
You haven't seen the stick, have you? Do you want to see my stick? Sure.
Waiter! Cross your fingers.
After all those years of looking after yourself.
Of denying my true self.
Hey, I made sacrifices too.
Some of the things I did makes my skin crawl.
No.
Settle down, boys.
Ullr, of course.
It wasn't exactly hard.
You didn't go more than a couple of blocks.
I was hungry.
And you are Odin.
Stupid, stupid, stupid giant.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I knew there was something about you I didn't like.
Yeah, I'm Odin.
But who are you? My name is Hllebard.
Jacob.
Your real name.
Jacob.
I really like it as a name.
I didn't want to change it.
So start talking.
I'm eating.
It's rude to talk with your mouth full.
Start with Gaia.
Yes, it does.
What? Everything starts with Gaia.
So you cut this from the actual Tree of Life? I did.
Was that wise? It's a big tree, Ty.
It's huge.
It's not going to miss one teeny branch.
But what if when you cut this bit off, like, a whole village was swept away in a landslide? I did not think about that while I was pruning.
Huh.
Nah, I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that.
Thought you had no idea how it works.
Hey maybe this can help you on your quest for mortality.
There.
That do anything? No.
How about down there where life starts? Little wriggle? That's disrespectful to the stick.
Useless stick of uselessness.
Tree of Life my arse.
Tree of Useless.
Unlike this, which I also brought back from Norway.
- Yes, it tastes like paint thinner, but - it gets the job done.
Cheers.
Are we ready now? After all those years of vegan crap, you have no idea how good that was.
You said you liked my cooking.
Excuse me.
Gaia.
What about her? She's not your biological daughter, is she? Does she look like my daughter? I remember the first time I laid eyes on Gaia, all those years ago lying there in that squalor.
So beautiful, so innocent.
So in need of care.
How could I bring harm to this beautiful, beautiful child? Who were her parents? They were the worst sort of creatures to walk the face of this earth.
They didn't deserve to be called parents having that beautiful child in that toxic room as they manufactured that poison.
I am her father and her mother, and I raised her and I protected her.
Even though you were sent here to kill her? Her parents - they were gods, weren't they? What? We are no friends of the gods, giants and dwarfs.
But even by your venal, arrogant standards, they did not deserve to be called such.
Sorry are you saying that Gaia's a goddess? I told you giving her a hippy goddess name was too much of a clue.
It was Waiheke.
I was trying to blend in.
No.
No, she's not a goddess.
Not yet.
Is she? I don't know why the furniture needed moving.
All I know is I had this crazy dream about how the furniture should look and it woke me up, so at 5am I'm up moving furniture.
But not before I phone in to quit my job.
You had a vision.
Or just a dream.
Have you been behaving strangely lately? Depends what you mean.
Mood swings? Out-of-character behaviour? Heightened sexual urges? Making sudden outlandish decisions without really knowing why? That sort of stuff.
Maybe.
But I'm definitely not pregnant.
I talked to myself quite a lot.
When? Uh, sometimes.
Top up, Gaia? No, but she's 22.
The 21 thing applies to goddesses, right? Oh, hell yes.
Those last few months before they turn 21 and change nightmare of hormonal freakiness.
Trust me, you don't want to be anywhere near that shit.
How old is she, Bryn? I had to move some numbers around, shave a year here and there on a form or two.
A fake birth certificate.
And when I had to put her into a regular school Because you couldn't home-school a hamster.
Waiheke Home-School Association Parent of the Year two years in a row, excuse me very much.
How was I to know she'd want to socialise with her peers? She was a teenager.
That is the problem with giants.
You can't think things through.
How old is she, Bryn? You know the problem with you? You're a dwarf and you're always beading.
You leave my beading out of this! I did most of the hard work while you swanned around.
And I had to give up the best meat-eating years of my life.
And I had to pretend I was gay.
At least you didn't have to pretend you were straight.
Will you shut up? What have you got to do with this, anyway, friend of Snow White? Oh, that is such an offensive term to us dwarfs.
That's typically god-like.
Answer the question, runt.
I was like him.
I was sent down here to kill her.
And I tracked them to Waiheke, because giants are so complete crap at hiding.
And then I laid eyes on her.
And all thoughts of killing her went away.
And I all I wanted to do instead was to protect her.
From the likes of you.
By becoming her boyfriend? I've been on the fringes of Gaia's life for a long time, keeping watch.
The boyfriend thing was his genius idea to deal with the inevitable.
What inevitable? The 21 inevitable.
As much as you try, you can't fight time.
Of course, the alternative is that she's actually barking mad.
No way.
She is so on her way to becoming one of us.
A new sister.
Yay.
But she doesn't really strike me as the goddess type.
But she's got a goddess name.
Exactly.
Isn't that just a tad obvious? Sometimes the universe is obvious, Stacey.
Not to me, it's not.
Well, that's because you're a dark and suspicious person.
How's that arm of yours? OK.
Hardly hurts at all now.
But just in case, I prepared some more anaesthetic.
Oh.
OK.
It was like a clock was ticking.
Because there is a ticking clock.
Yes, ticking clock.
Got it.
But why did you and you want to kill her in the first place? That's what I want to know.
I think that's quite obvious, Axl.
Not to me.
Because of the prophecy that a new dark age would begin for giants And dwarfs.
with the birth of a child under southern stars.
So we were chosen and trained to hunt out the child.
And to end her.
And what did we do instead? Well, you, mainly.
Delivered her unto the one she needed to be kept away from.
Thus fulfilling the prophecy.
Unless it is he who is ended.
Like I didn't see that coming.
She is Frig.
Yes, Axl.
That's what they're saying.
Midget giants.
It's freaky.
Took my father some time to digest my physical handicap.
That's what he called it - a handicap.
The other giants used to laugh at me too.
But when they needed someone for the great mission - to walk amongst the mortals - who did they turn to? On that note, you try to kill my brother again, we won't be so nice.
My killing days are gone.
Not that they ever started.
Look who's talking.
And Gaia knows nothing about any of this? Well, strangely, we never sat down and had that chat.
So, how did you get away with it? Well, clearly I didn't, given that Odin and Frig ended up flatting together.
No, no, no, with all the giants and the dwarfs too, I suppose with the 'not killing her' thing.
Well, I was meant to bring back her heart as proof, so I sent back a possum heart about the same size as a baby's with a note saying that I had met a large woman and was settling in NZ.
And I just kept telling them I couldn't find her.
The guy at the flat he was talking about possum hearts.
Yeah, that's Eggther.
As in watchman of the giants Eggther? Watchman, herdsman, executioner.
Eggther is here? Yeah, to kill her.
And me.
And anyone else who gets in his way.
Zeb.
Their name doesn't matter Eggther will kill them.
Zeb will be getting home from work at the flat where the Egg guy is.
I've been thinking a lot about love and life and destiny.
You think too much.
What if we can never get what we want - what destiny wants for us? That's deep! Depressing.
Especially from a man who strains with all his being to fight the shit hand destiny dealt him.
Mm.
No, no, I think that's bullshit.
Destiny doesn't happen to you.
You make destiny happen.
Destiny's a decision.
No, you can't decide your destiny.
'Course you can.
Otherwise it wouldn't be destiny.
OK.
Perfect example - my flight home from Norway, there was this super-hot flight attendant.
She was in coach; I was in first-class, obviously.
Left to destiny that happens to other people, we wouldn't have met.
But I needed to go to the toilet, and we did meet, because instead of using the facility in the front of the plane, I chose to use the ones in the back with all the cattle, because I had decided it was my destiny to fuck her, and I did, right over Kazakhstan.
Now I'm hard just thinking about it.
You could have left the last part out.
Actually, the last part is all I can think about, which is why the next girl I see, I am going to make my cock her destiny.
The very next do-able girl, I mean, and we are going to find that woman.
So you can be her cock of destiny.
And drink until we are declined.
Come, Ice Man, my wingman.
We should seek reinforcements.
There's five of us, one of him.
Dwarfs aren't known for their fighting prowess.
I thought you were a dwarf assassin.
And did I assassinate anyone? Axl, you should stay out.
We can't risk you.
No, no, that's shedding numbers, not gaining them.
No way.
He's my mate.
OK, but you stay with me.
You two, you go round the back.
The rest of us will fan out Or simply walk in the front door.
Grandpa! He's not here, but he's been here.
He has a very distinctive smell.
Bacon-and-egg pie? Uh viscera.
Minced-up organs, like haggis.
Zeb! Zeb.
It's too late.
Oh shit.
Zeb? Think you can trap me, do you, Odin? Who is this? Your worst nightmare.
Eggther.
Ja, and I know you're Odin, cos a little birdie told me so.
I want the girl.
I know.
Bring her to me, or your friend Zeb - he die.
And bring me one of those roast chickens - the ones from the supermarket.
I'll contact you later to make arrangements.
Now, put Hllebard on the telephone.
He wants to talk to you.
Hey, Eggther.
Make sure they bring the girl - and the chicken.
Any tricks and you die with Odin's friend.
Hey, when you say 'die with Odin's friend', you don't mean die die, right? I mean, it was just for effect, right? Like in the movies, right? No.
I mean die die.
Ah, yes, this seems pleasing.
Uh, waiter, a bottle of your finest pinot, please, and two glasses.
This is pinot, right, so try not to chill it too much.
Ah, yes, amusing! Waiter, can we start up a bar tab, please? Are you sure that's wise? Destiny, my brother, will provide.
I thought you made your own destiny.
Ah, don't quibble.
And they're off.
So, is the roast chicken code? No, Eggther eats a lot, even by giant standards.
Can I say something? This might not be the most popular option, but this said person is mortal, and quite often, they get sacrificed in situations like this.
That is true.
Plus, he is quite annoying.
We are not sacrificing anyone, especially my best friend.
Let me check on how we're doing.
No, Grandpa.
Not now.
Oh, that looks beautiful.
Hello.
Oh, we've had a fun time.
Yeah, I can sense that.
Did you sort stuff out? Uh, not quite.
Meanwhile, you've been having a party.
Oh, you know, birds of a feather.
Well, if you could keep those birds up here, that would be good.
She's her, isn't she? Just keep everyone here, OK? Haven't you noticed? I'm not very good at doing what I'm told.
If you do this, you will be rewarded.
Hmm.
how? Any way you want.
I can work with that.
Olaf.
Some of us think better with a drink in our hand.
OK, goddess head count is at four a drunk and stoned four, but at least in one place.
So what are we going to do about Zeb? Just a thought, but have we completely ruled out giving him Gaia in exchange? I mean, in many ways she has grown up to be something of a disappointment.
What is this dwarf still doing here? That's right, go on, feed into the stereotype.
Toss the dwarf.
OK, we are not giving him Gaia.
Agreed? Agreed.
How would you deal with Eggther? Apart from running away? Yes.
Has he got any weaknesses? Gluttony? There is a school of thought that says when you have an angry giant, the best solution is to find something angrier.
No.
I told you I think better with a drink in my hand.
No way.
Do we have an alternative, Lord Odin? Oh for fuck's sake, can't a man have a shit in peace? Who is this? Hello, Derrick.
My Lord Odin? Yes, Thor, it is I.
And we need your help.
You do? Yep.
I have dreamed of this day since the last time we met.
How may I serve, my Lord? We need your skills.
Any time, anywhere You need to come to Auckland.
Really? You're going to make me come to that shithole? Can't we go somewhere? We have a little giant problem here.
You've got giants in Auckland? Yeah, we do.
I hate giants.
I know.
I mean, I've never actually met one, but I'd love to kill one, being Thor and all.
Yep, that's why we called you.
I'm on my way, my Lord.
Thor's on board.
I want nothing to do with this.
Your objection's been noted.
That deity is an of fence against all things civilised.
Trust me, we know.
Now what? Now we wait.
I'll get Ty and Anders up to speed although what help Anders will be in a situation like this is anyone's guess.
What about Gaia? Isn't it about time someone told her what's going on and who she is? I mean, doesn't she have the right to know? That would seem fair.
I want to do it.
But you need to do it with me.
The only way Gaia will believe her life from birth until now has been a lie is if the main liar fronts up with the truth.
On one level, yes.
But also she may attack me.
What if you break it to her and then later on I? For Gaia, Bryn.
You owe it to her.
Fine.
For Gaia.
A-And not here.
I don't want to tell her she's my destiny in some manky bar.
Hey! I want her to be somewhere she feels safe and happy.
Any ideas? Beautiful! So pretty.
Wow.
Ingrid did my hair.
Yeah, she did.
It's, uh Wow.
I love it.
Uh, so your dad and I were wondering if you wanted to grab a bite? You know, since it's lunchtime and all.
And we could have a talk.
I'm not going back with him.
No, never.
It's actually about the opposite of going back with him - about never going back.
Please, it's important.
OK.
Well? I can neither confirm nor deny.
Oh, you bastard.
I don't fancy anyone in this bar.
I fancy you more than any woman in this bar.
Pass.
I hate this bar.
OK, I'm going to go take a slash and then we're getting out of here.
As Odin has his Frigg, Eden has her Bragi.
So if Helen meets Anders She will fall in love with Bragi, like she has countless times over thousands of years.
She will continue to love him until it ends badly for her.
Anders? Anders, are you in there? Little busy right now.
Wrap it up.
We need to get the hell out of here.
Ty? Hey, messing with the cock of destiny, bro.
You've always loved the beach, eh? Since you were a little girl.
We've spent many an afternoon enjoying the sea and the sand.
Remember? I should've taken more pictures.
Dad, you know that's meat you're eating, right? Oh, is it? Well, look at that.
Mmm, delicious.
I think that's enough with the hot dogs, Bryn.
It's time.
Time for what? Right.
There are some things that I need to tell you, Gaia, and I'm not sure how to say any of them, so I'm just going to say them all of them - in one breath, if possible, OK? Here we go.
I'm not actually a vegetarian.
I'm not actually gay.
I am not actually even human, but a midget giant.
I'm not actually your biological father, but I love you and all I have ever done has been to protect you.
Oh, and you're two years younger than you think, which, if you were 40, you'd be happy to receive this news, but I can see by the look on your face, you're not - happy or 40.
Bryn, do you want me to take it from here? Yes.
Sorry.
There's no easy way to say this, but if you hear me out, it will explain all the weird stuff that has been happening in your life.
You see, there's a story - except it's a real story, as it turns out about a god named Odin, who is the king of all Norse gods, and a goddess named Frigg, who is his truly beloved, and they are destined to be together so they can rule the earth.
And the thing is these gods and goddesses all live in NZ, and me and my brothers are descendants of these gods, so, hi, I'm Odin, and guess who you are in this story.
You, Gaia, are soon to become Frigg his my truly beloved.
That's about it.
Mm.
OK, not a complete success.