The Awesomes (2013) s02e09 Episode Script

Aaaah - Looks pretty good.
- You mean his throat is healed? Good as new.
I know you use your voice professionally.
- Yes, for evil.
- Oh.
I thought you meant you were a singer or something.
- You want us to bill this to your insurance? - Yeah, sorry about that.
Whoops.
I forgot to pay the premium.
Mom! It's a beautiful day for the Day of Awesomes parade.
And here they come now: Mr.
Awesome, Muscle Man, Gadget Gal, the whole gang.
The people who protect us, as we come together and celebrate our greatest heroes.
That's my boy! That's my boy.
Ow! My arm.
- Wow.
- Ooh! - Nice.
- Too much booty on there.
- Do I get a balloon? - No.
- Why not? Because you're a fugitive from the law, and you're [bleep.]
crazy.
That's ridiculous.
If I was crazy, would I be best friends with a basketball? I can't believe they're actually having a Day of Awesomes.
Why wouldn't they? We're the Awesomes.
I know, but no one ever thought of us as the real Awesomes.
That was my dad's team.
But now they actually accept us.
After months of just being a joke, we're finally the real thing, America's superhero team.
And I'm the leader.
I'm the leader of America's superhero team, and I'm dating the girl of my dreams.
It's like everything's finally working out for me.
That's my balloon? Who designed these? - Pablo.
- Ha! Except for the Santa one.
- We stole that from the Macy's parade.
- I miss my legs.
This feels awesome This feels awesome Yeah, this feels awesome Now, this feels awesome This feels awesome This feels so awesome You are wonderful.
How can Hotwire just move on like this? Doesn't she know we were meant to be together forever? But I thought you always said you didn't want things to get serious.
I did not say that.
She's my soulmate.
Then why are all those pictures tagged "not a soulmate?" Okay, fine.
I didn't appreciate what I had, but now I realize how much she means to me.
You've got to help me, Muscleman.
How can I get Hotwire back? Um, Prock's my best friend.
Right.
So you know all his weaknesses.
- You mean his bones? - So I'd break all his bones.
Good call.
- That's not what I said.
- You had a great idea.
- No need to be modest.
- Look, Perfect Man, I know this is hard, but you have to move on.
I tell you what.
Why don't you let me take you out tonight? I'll introduce you to some girls that'll make you forget - all about Hotwire.
- Mmm all right.
I'll give it a try.
You're a true friend, Muscleman.
Good evening, ladies.
Ew, get away from me.
This would be a lot easier if you were allowed to leave - Awesome Mountain.
- And I'm not a lady.
Sorry.
Good evening, women.
That's actually better.
I feel more respected.
Alright.
We need the show to end at 3.
The parade will start back here.
We should probably cancel the Hotwire tribute - since she's not actually dead.
- But I spent so much time on that.
Hey, what's the guest list situation? Mademoiselle Hunchback is coming tomorrow, and I'd love to have her come for the show.
- Sure, of course.
- And I have 5000 plus ones.
Frantic, the guest list is for close friends and family.
But I promised anyone who tweeted hashtag "frantic" would get a free backstage pass.
Wait, Mademoiselle Hunchback is coming out here? That's right, the visiting girlfriend.
After weeks of frustrated Skyping, we'll have four days of uninterrupted passion, and then she goes home just before things get real and complicated.
Nothing better.
Now let's talk about the best present of all.
In 6 to 8 weeks, my throat will be healed, and I will have regained my powers.
And best of all, I've come up with a new plan even more terrible and devastating than anything I've thought of yet.
That's not great.
Look, Prock, it's good that we're on top of this, but I wouldn't worry too much.
I mean, on any given day every bad guy in the world has like a hundred evil plans.
Giuseppe may think he's a criminal mastermind, but to me, he'll just always be my goofy older brother.
Hey, that's my dad! That's my dad! Hey, hey! Why won't dad let us on the float with him? Oh, he just wants us to be back here, because it's closer to the booth where they sell ice cream sundaes.
Come on, let's go.
I love my sister more than anything.
It's too bad that she will have to die.
Why do I have to do this? I don't have a body.
Shut up, Santa.
- Oh, I hate America.
- Oh, I love it when you hate things.
Muscleman, you were right.
I just needed to move on and get myself out there.
And thanks to you, I found someone.
- She's pretty.
- Hey, you guys wanna go on a double date? Are we that couple? Is Perfect Man trying to make me jealous? Because it's working.
You'll always be someone important to me, but you need to accept that I've moved on.
I'm with Spaldetta now.
We need to get you some professional help.
We could use a good couples counselor.
Spaldetta's been really passive-aggressive lately.
If something is bothering you, then tell me.
- Don't just say "I'm fine.
" - Not sure this dinner with your mother is a good idea with Malocchio Jr.
out there.
Prock, my mom may enable my brother, but she would never let him do anything that would hurt us.
You have nothing to worry about.
I can't wait to meet Catherine's new boyfriend.
- What's his name? Pork? - Um, Prock, I believe.
You know, he's the one who convinced me to turn evil.
Well, he sounds great.
Can you try my peanut butter lemon pudding? I can't eat it because I'm allergic to pudding.
Sure, Mom.
Yes, Catherine's boyfriend sounds very nice.
I'm sorry I can't be there tonight.
- Can you believe she's not dead anymore? - I know.
I'm so happy.
First I have two kids, then one, then two again.
How can I keep track? It's just It's like we're a real family again.
- Yes, a real family.
- How's the pudding? Delicious.
I think Prock is gonna love it.
So when is your boyfriend getting here, and who is - this weird-looking troll? - Um, actually, this is my boyfriend.
Oh.
Nice to meet you, Pork.
- It's great to meet you, too.
- Pork.
Is that Jewish? Okay.
If Gadget Gal goes on after Frantic, then we're still two minutes over in the second act.
How are we doing on those fireworks permits?! Thank you for that helpful shrug.
Yeah.
What do you mean Imagine Dragons dropped out? Can we get Drake's agent on the phone? - So, what are we doing tonight? - Well, I'm gonna eat these pizza rolls and watch the Chelsea Lately marathon.
- What? - Well, what am I supposed to do, huh? Sit here, watch you eat pizza rolls? That's my plan for the night.
Come on.
Dip it.
Dip it Yes! I came thousands of miles to be with you.
Ugh.
What do you wanna do tonight? I'm guessing it involves spending money.
And then he was telling me about this girl Hotwire, and I was stuck in this metal suit being like, "Um, yeah, she sounds really, really great.
" I kind of miss Metal Fella.
He was a cool guy.
That is a delightful story.
Wait, I remember you.
- You're Mr.
Awesome's son.
- Yeah.
We used to see Mr.
Awesome all the time, like at that father-son picnic where he brought Perfect Man.
Oh, yeah, I must have been sick or something, so I couldn't go that year, or any of the years ever.
That was before my husband turned evil.
I don't see why they had to stop being friends.
I'm still friends with Elaine Miller even though she hates The Biggest Loser.
I never got to thank you, Pork, for being a mentor to Malocchio Jr.
If it wasn't for you, he would never have turned evil.
Oh, I don't know if I'd call that being a mentor.
It was more like a horrible, horrible mistake.
I'm so proud of him.
He's a real super villain.
Did you know he's gonna blow up the Awesomes? Um, Lady Malocchio, do you happen to know where your son Giuseppe is right now? Sure.
He's at his secret lair.
Do you want me to print you a map? Oh, no, that's okay.
We'll use our phones.
What about the pudding? - This is fancy.
- Normally there's an eight-month wait, but since you're on The Awesomes we wanted to get you right in, to thank you for keeping us safe.
Does keeping you safe get me any kind of discount? No.
Also, those are small plates, so you have - to order like ten of them.
- More wine, please.
Eggnog? Jaclyn? All right, your plan to make me jealous worked.
- You can have me.
- GG, I like you a lot, as a friend.
But I'm with Spaldetta now.
Well, if you ever want a real woman, call me.
Oh, Spaldetta's a real woman, all right.
- All curves.
- Because she's a ball.
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
I don't understand what's going on.
Why would Jaclyn be at Malocchio Jr.
's lair? She didn't seem to be working in a professional capacity.
Something about the way she tried to tear my eyes out.
Maybe she and my brother are together? Well, Giuseppe wanted to be like you, to have what you have.
You were dating Jaclyn, so it makes sense that he would go after her.
And maybe she'd agree to be with him too, - to make you jealous.
- That's insane.
- Are you jealous? - Uh, no.
Hey, how was dinner with Hotwire's mom? Ooh, meeting the parents, that's always stressful.
I can give you some tips from when I was with Hotwire.
Hotwire's dad didn't like me at first, but then I helped him take over the world.
- Hm.
- So maybe try something like that.
Or saying the mom looks young.
Those are my two tricks.
We have to cancel the Day of Awesomes.
It's too dangerous.
Something crazy is going on right now and I don't know what it is, but we can't take that risk.
You cannot be serious.
- Listen, it's just - Have you ever tried booking hotel rooms for 500 backup dancers? Driven all over town to get seven white doves and some gluten-free muffins for an overrated celebrity's dressing room? Do you know what kind of non-refundable deposit you have to put down on a stadium? I planned out every single detail of this thing, and it's perfect, and you will not cancel it! - Ah, don't touch me! - Should I not have asked for the doves and muffins? I thought that was just like a standard dressing room request kind of thing.
They're still alive.
Oh, doesn't matter.
Soon enough, all the Awesomes will fall.
And then, with the only people who can stop me out of the way, I can finally move on to my real plan.
We should probably get going.
- I don't want to miss Imagine Dragons.
- Oh, you didn't hear? - You're kidding me.
- Ha! You think Prock's right? That we're in danger? I don't know, but I'm not taking any chances.
- I got a decoy.
- I'm Muskle-man.
Does it seem like there are a lot of apes here? Oh, they didn't tell you? We outsourced security to Apesylvania.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Day of Awesomes! Impresario! Concierge! Prock! And Muscleman! Y'all ready to dance? How come the Awesomes never come when I need help? I want a T-shirt.
We have whole boxes of those back at Awesome Mountain.
I want a T-shirt.
Impresario, you're on next.
I just have a really bad feeling about this.
Well, maybe you're just so used to things not working out that when something does go well, you have to find something wrong with it.
Wow.
That actually makes a lot of sense.
Do you know when I get paid? Or if I get paid? It is so great to meet you, Mrs.
Spalding.
I really enjoy spending time with your daughter.
I don't understand.
That bit worked so well at the 1955 Day of Awesomes.
- How's it going? - Good.
I think this might be the best Day of Awesomes ever.
I mean, except for the Gadget Gal fiasco.
Yeah.
You know what? Maybe Muscleman's decoy is right.
Maybe I am just making up stuff to worry about.
I should just let myself be happy.
I deserve it.
You absolutely do.
I'm proud of you, and how far you've led this team.
You ready to close this thing out? Ladies and gentlemen, Prock and soul sensation Placynthia Meeks! Being here With you today Puts a smile on my face And makes me say This was supposed to be an amazing week of sex and connecting with a beautiful woman, but it's terrible.
She doesn't know anyone else here, so I'm responsible for every second of her trip.
Why don't you get a decoy to hang out with her? Where am I gonna find someone who looks like me? How about that guy, over there? 'Cause the sun never sets When I'm with you 'Cause the sun never sets When I'm with you When I'm with you My dead Hotwire tribute would have been so much better.
Ha.
Maybe you'll get to do that tribute after all.
Excuse me? Do I know you from somewhere? Um Are you the monkey from Friends ? That's it.
When you said your brother wanted everything I have, you were right, but it wasn't my girl he wanted, he wanted my team.
He's building a team of villains.
An evil version of The Awesomes.
Come on! Everyone, get off the float! I really want one of those T-shirts.
It's okay, Prock.
I forgive you.
Ow! Ow! - Thanks, Muscleman.
- Sorry it took me so long.
That T-shirt salesman is really slow at counting out change.
My sister says hi.
- Ah, it's Santa! - He's alive, yay! Watch out! Ow! Why do you get to be in charge of everything? Oh, my God, Frantic, can you imagine if we used your ideas? - It would've been a disaster.
- And this isn't a disaster? Obviously I'm not talking about the attack, - which I had nothing to do with! - Oh, yeah? Well, this attack is the least terrible part of the whole show! Keep them busy! - Don't hurt my baby! - You don't hurt my baby! Come on, come on - I thought you said you could get us in.
- It's not working! Hold on.
I know Prock's password.
- "Jaclyncutie44?" - Ha! That is terrible.
Bummer.
He already changed it? Try pressing "Forgot password.
" Oh, now we have to do the security question.
Anyone know the street Prock grew up on? Here, let me try something.
Welcome, Muscleman.
Oof.
That was easy.
This whole fight must have just been a distraction.
Sometimes there's nothing better than ordering takeout and watching Hulu Plus with the woman I love.
How long is your mother staying with us? Damn it.
Forgot my password.
Hey, Prock, what street did I grow up on? - Here, just let me do it.
- You're the worst.
Oh, now I remember my password.
Thanks for letting us use the Awesome Mountain portalizer.
- What's going on here? - When we get back you will die, along with every other living creature on the planet! Now! Oh, I think I broke the universe.
- Guys, we have to stop them! - Oh.
Right.
Oh, he did not just leave me here alone.
I don't even know the Wi-Fi password.
How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't let me touch you? How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't even dance? How am I supposed to know That you're high If you won't even dance? Yeah, you won't even dance