The Cosby Show s02e09 Episode Script

THANK YOU.
HI.
HI.
SARA, WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THIS PLACE? THEY HAVE GREAT FOOD.
THAT'S GOOD BECAUSE THE MEN HERE LOOK VERY HUNGRY.
HAVE YOU BEEN GETTING THE EYE? MM-HMM! THIS GUY OVER HERE AT THE BAR.
HE'S GOT A FRIEND.
THERE ARE TWO OF THEM NOW? THIS NEVER HAPPENS WHEN I'M ALONE.
IT MUST BE MY BIG SISTER.
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHAT'S UP? I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS.
YES? GARVIN AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED.
OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL! I KNOW.
WHEN? ALL WE KNOW IS, SOON.
LADIES? THE GENTLEMEN AT THE BAR WANT TO BUY YOU A DRINK.
TELL THEM "THANK YOU" BUT WE REALLY CAN'T ACCEPT.
GOOD MOVE, WE'LL WAIT FOR A BETTER OFFER.
STOP THIS SILLINESS.
WHAT MADE YOU TWO DECIDE? WELL, LAST NIGHT GARVIN INSISTED WE GO TO THIS CHINESE RESTAURANT.
HE SAT THERE GRINNING.
AFTER DINNER, THE WAITER CAME OVER WITH JUST ONE FORTUNE COOKIE.
GARVIN SAID, "OPEN IT.
" AND? THE FORTUNE SAID "THE WAY TO TRUE HAPPINESS IS TO MARRY GARVIN.
" LOOK HOW ROMANTIC GARV IS.
HI.
HI.
HELLO.
HOW ABOUT LUNCH INSTEAD OF A DRINK? WE DON'T EAT WITH GENTLEMEN WE DON'T KNOW.
I'M THAD, AND THIS IS GREG.
IF YOU GIVE US YOUR NAMES WE'LL KNOW EACH OTHER.
HEY, NAMES AREN'T IMPORTANT ANYWAY.
LET ME GUESS.
YOU TWO ARE MODELS, RIGHT? RIGHT.
I KNEW IT.
WHEN I FIRST LOOKED AT YOU I KNEW YOU WERE SPECIAL.
SO YOU BUY DRINKS FOR SPECIAL WOMEN? YES, BUT THERE AREN'T MANY OUT THERE.
WELL, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT'S THAT, DARLING? MY HUSBAND AND FIVE CHILDREN THINK I'M SPECIAL, TOO.
FIVE.
FIVE.
THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO HEAR.
IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO TWO UNELIGIBLE WOMEN YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY.
HAVE A NICE LUNCH.
THANK YOU.
NOW, ABOUT THIS RING YES HEY, DAD.
HEY, SON.
DID YOU GET THAT RECORD? I GOT THE LAST ONE IN THE STORE.
HOW MUCH? UH $7.
88.
AND HOW MUCH MONEY DID I GIVE YOU? TEN DOLLARS.
SO? SO? NO, NO, NO, NO! WHERE'S MY CHANGE? CHANGE?! CHANGE! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WANTED IT BACK.
SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU KNOWN ME TO GIVE SOMEBODY A THREE DOLLAR BONUS FOR BORROWING $7? HERE YOU GO.
MAN! FATHERS HAVE TO GO AROUND AND BEG FOR THE CHANGE.
WHY ARE YOU SETTING THE CHESSBOARD UP? FOR GRANDPA AL.
IN THAT CASE, SHOULDN'T YOU BE PUTTING IT AWAY? YOU'RE FUNNY.
BUT THIS TIME, I AM GOING TO BEAT GRANDPA AL.
I GOT HIM FIGURED OUT.
HE DOES THINGS TO BREAK MY CONCENTRATION.
THE FIRST THING THAT HAPPENS IS HE OPENS UP AND HE SAYS "YOU'RE BUZZARD MEAT.
" THAT GETS ME UPSET, AND I START TO PLAY TOO FAST.
YOU UNDERSTAND? AND EVERY TIME I GET READY TO MOVE A PIECE HE SAYS, "MMM.
" SO, I'M IGNORING THAT.
AND WHEN I GET A GOOD MOVE-- SAY I PUT THIS PIECE HERE AND HE'S GOING TO TAKE THIS PIECE-- HE'LL SAY, "I'D LIKE A LITTLE SOMETHING TO DRINK IF YOU DON'T MIND.
" HE'S NOT BREAKING MY CONCENTRATION ANY MORE.
ALL I'M GOING TO SAY IS "HELLO" AND "CHECKMATE.
" WELL, GOOD LUCK.
SAY, T.
, COME HERE A SECOND.
YOU GOT A LITTLE SPOT ON ( CHANGE CLINKING ) WHAT'S THAT, WHAT'S THAT? THAT'S MOM'S CHANGE.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE IT TO HER, RIGHT? ONLY IF SHE ASKS.
MY SON, MY SON! LOOK AT THIS ONE-- IT'S BEAUTIFUL! YOU SHOULD WEAR ONE OF THESE OLD-FASHIONED WEDDING DRESSES.
I WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING MORE LIKE THIS.
THAT'S NICE BUT WHEN I GET MARRIED I'M GOING TO WEAR LACE FROM HEAD TO TOE WITH A TRAIN 20 FEET LONG, CARRIED BY TWELVE BRIDESMAIDS IN LAVENDER CHIFFON.
AND A HUGE CHOIR WILL SING "HERE COMES THE BRIDE.
" AND I'LL HAVE THE WHOLE THING ON VIDEO TAPE.
HAVE YOU MENTIONED THIS TO YOUR FATHER? NOT YET.
LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU DO.
I'D LIKE TO VIDEOTAPE THAT.
I'M NOT HAVING A TRADITIONAL WEDDING.
WHY NOT? THEY'RE SO PRIMITIVE.
EXPLAIN THAT.
AT A TRADITIONAL WEDDING THEY GIVE THE BRIDE AWAY; THE BRIDE TAKES THE GROOM'S NAME.
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO ELOPE.
NO, I'M GOING TO HAVE A WEDDING.
IT'S JUST GOING TO BE REALLY SIMPLE.
WE'LL HAVE IT IN THE LIVING ROOM AND AFTERWARDS WE'LL SERVE SANDWICHES.
I BET I GET BETTER PRESENTS THAN YOU DO.
CAN I DRIVE OVER TO SUZANNE'S? YES.
CAN SHE DROP ME AT JANET'S? YES.
YOU DID NOT ASK ME.
IT'S ONLY THREE BLOCKS AWAY.
ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU'RE PAYING FOR THE GAS.
REMIND YOU OF ANYONE? YOU WOULDN'T LET ME TAG ALONG WITH YOU.
I WAS TOO COOL.
WHO WOULD WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF THEIR LIFE LOOKING AT THAT FACE? ARE YOU GOING TO HELP US PLAN THE WEDDING? NO WAY-- EVERY TIME I SUGGEST SOMETHING YOU SAY, "NO.
" NOT ALWAYS.
MOST OF THE TIME.
AND THEN YOU SAY, "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SAID THAT!" ( DOORBELL ) THAT MUST BE MOM AND DAD.
CLIFF, YOU BETTER HIDE THAT CHESSBOARD.
NO, THIS TIME I AM GOING TO BEAT YOUR FATHER.
HI.
HI.
HI.
HI.
HI, MOTHER.
HI, CLIFF, HI.
AL: I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET MARRIED.
WHY NOT? I'M NOT READY TO LOSE ANOTHER DAUGHTER.
YOU CAN HAVE THAT ONE BACK.
ANY TIME YOU WANT.
COME ON, WE'VE GOT A WEDDING TO PLAN.
LET'S GET STARTED.
CLAIR AND I HAVE ALREADY STARTED.
AL, YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.
I'M FEELING GOOD.
WHAT'S THIS? OH THE BOY, MY SON, SET THE BOARD OH, I SEE.
SINCE THE LADIES ARE BUSY WE MIGHT AS WELL PLAY, IF YOU'RE NOT TOO TIRED.
I'M NOT TIRED.
I THOUGHT PERHAPS THERE WAS SOMETHING ON YOUR MIND-- YOU KNOW, THE WEDDING.
WELL, I'M NOT AT MY BEST, BUT I CAN PLAY.
CLIFF? I ONLY HAVE ONE THING TO SAY.
WHAT? YOU ARE BUZZARD MEAT.
YOU'RE A SURGEON.
YOU GRADUATED FROM MED SCHOOL.
I GRADUATED FROM NOTHING.
CHECK.
DOES IT LOOK BETTER FROM DOWN THERE? GRANDPA! RUDY! HOW'S MY GIRL? YOU'RE GETTING BIGGER AND BIGGER.
TELL ME ABOUT THE PEACHES.
I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE PEACHES.
TELL ME AGAIN.
CLIFF? HUH? EXCUSE ME.
YEAH, OKAY.
WHEN I WAS LITTLE I'D GO TO THE FARMER'S MARKET.
I WOULD GET BUSHELS OF PEACHES AND PUT THEM IN LITTLE BASKETS.
THEN I'D TAKE THEM DOWN THE STREET, CALLING: "PEACHES! "GET YOUR FREESTONE PEACHES, MA'AM, A QUARTER A BASKET.
"NO MELONS "NO STRAWBERRIES.
FREESTONE PEACHES, MA'AM.
" PEACHES! FREESTONE PEACHES MA'AM! SHE'S GOT MY VOICE.
YOU'VE GOT A PARTNER.
DADDY, YOU SING IT.
* NO MELONS.
* NO STRAWBERRIES.
* I'M TALKING ABOUT * FREESTONE * FREESTONE PEACHES.
* WILL DAD SING AT MY WEDDING? WELL, HE GOT SO EMOTIONAL AT YOURS HE ALMOST FORGOT HIS WORDS.
MAYBE HE COULD SING: * BRIDE I'M TALKING ABOUT GET YOUR BRIDE.
* SARA, DO YOU FEEL READY? OH, DEFINITELY.
I'VE BEEN DOING SOME READING.
READING? READING, MOM.
READING ABOUT MARRIAGE, MOM.
THERE'S SOME GREAT BOOKS OUT.
I'M READING AN EXCELLENT ONE.
HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE BY M.
D.
EDDY, PH.
D.
ETHEL: M.
D.
WHAT'S FUNNY? NOBODY CAN TELL YOU THAT.
THERE'S SOME HELPFUL THINGS IN HERE.
LIKE? CHAPTER THREE.
"FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT.
" "WHEN CONFLICTS ARISE "YOU AND YOUR MATE SHOULD WRITE OUT YOUR GRIEVANCES; "THEN EXCHANGE THE LISTS AND DISCUSS THE SOURCE OF THE PROBLEM.
" WHEN DO YOU YELL? YOU DON'T.
IF I'VE GOT TO WRITE OUT WHY I'M MAD I MIGHT AS WELL THROW THIS BOOK.
CHAPTER FOUR.
"THE QUIET HOUR.
" "ALWAYS SPEND AT LEAST ONE UNINTERRUPTED HOUR A DAY WITH YOUR SPOUSE.
" I'LL HAVE TO SEND THE CHILDREN TO THIS FOOL'S HOUSE.
AH! WE HAVE HIT UPON SOMETHING HERE.
WHAT, WHAT? "VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE.
" OOH.
"TO KEEP EXCITEMENT IN YOUR MARRIAGE "ALWAYS TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
"FOR EXAMPLE: YOU MIGHT TRY SERVING DINNER IN THE LIVING ROOM.
" I SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT THIS BOOK.
LET'S WRITE ONE.
NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
MARRIAGE: WHAT THE BOOKS DON'T TELL YOU.
THERE HAS TO BE A CHAPTER ABOUT HUSBANDS.
SEVERAL.
CHAPTER ONE.
"HAVE YOU SEEN MY" BEFORE GOING OUT, YOUR HUSBAND WILL SAY: "HAVE YOU SEEN MY BLACK SHOES?" OR MY GRAY SOCKS? OR MY STRIPED TIE? THEY THINK WE GO IN THEIR CLOSETS AND REARRANGE THEIR THINGS.
AND CHAPTER TWO.
"THE REAL BABY OF THE FAMILY.
" A WOMAN CAN HAVE PNEUMONIA, INFLUENZA AND MALARIA AND STILL KEEP GOING.
A MAN GETS THE SNIFFLES AND HAS TO STAY IN BED FOR A WEEK.
MY FAVORITE CHAPTER: "THEY NEVER KNOW YOUR DRESS SIZE.
" DON'T LEAVE THAT OUT.
I HAVE WORN A SIZE EIGHT FOR 43 YEARS.
AL HAS BROUGHT ME HOME EVERYTHING FROM A SIZE FOUR TO A SIZE TWELVE DEPENDING ON HOW THE SALESGIRL IS BUILT.
( HUMMING ) ( HUMMING ) ( HUMMING ) MAY I HAVE A GLASS OF JUICE, PLEASE? IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'LL FINISH THIS MOVE.
NOW, DEAL WITH THAT.
SON-- BEFORE YOU GO, SON.
CHECKMATE.
( LAUGHTER ) CHAPTER NINE.
"WHEN THE HUSBANDS TRY TO GET BACK INTO SHAPE.
" ( GIGGLING ) ( GIGGLING ) HOW ARE THE WEDDING PLANS PROGRESSING? FINE.
WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE? THEY'RE LAUGHING AT US.
NO, NO, NO.
GO IN THERE.
WHAT? JUST GO IN THERE AND TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS.
DID YOU WANT SOMETHING, AL? YES, DEAR.
WHAT, DAD? I'LL FIND IT.
AH HERE IT IS.
YEP, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
THEY'RE LAUGHING AT US.
I TOLD YOU.
( DOORBELL ) GARVIN! CLIFF! DAD, YOUR FUTURE SON-IN-LAW IN THE AUTUMN OF HIS BACHELOR DAYS.
HEY, HI.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
GARVIN.
WHERE AM I GOING? IN THE KITCHEN.
WHY? JUST GO IN.
GARVIN IS ALL RIGHT.
I LIKE HIM.
HOW DO YOU THINK HE'LL DO IN THERE? BUZZARD MEAT.
YES, INDEED.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT ARE THEY LAUGHING AT? US.
THEY'RE LAUGHING AT WHAT WE ARE AND WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE.
WHAT'S THAT? A HUSBAND.
LET'S ALL LAUGH AT THEM.
WE CAN'T.
WHY NOT? BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT FUNNY.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY? NOTHING.
WE WERE JUST LAUGHING.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN MEN GET TOGETHER.
NO, HOW IS IT? YOU'RE JUST LAUGHING BECAUSE WE WERE LAUGHING.
AL: MAYBE.
WE'LL TELL YOU, IF YOU TELL US.
NOW THEY'RE INSECURE ABOUT WHAT WE WERE LAUGHING AT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
NO, NO.
WE SHOULD JUST STAY HERE WITH THE MEN.
GARVIN AND I ARE MEETING SOME FRIENDS FOR DINNER.
HELP ME GET MY SAMPLE BOOKS? SURE.
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE LAUGHING AT.
GARVIN, I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.
WHAT'S WRONG, HONEY? THERE'S 60 YEARS OF MARRIAGE IN THERE.
DO WE HAVE WHAT THEY HAVE? WE'RE GOING TO DO FINE.
I DON'T THINK THOSE BOOKS ABOUT MARRIAGE ARE SO ACCURATE.
WELL, MAYBE WE'VE GOT TO LEARN AS WE GO.
BUT ARE WE READY? I DON'T KNOW.
BUT I KNOW I LOVE YOU.
THEY'RE A NICE-LOOKING COUPLE.
YOU HOPE YOUR DAUGHTERS END UP WITH GOOD MEN.
SO FAR, I'M TWO FOR TWO.
THANK YOU, DAD.
I HOPE HE CAN PLAY CHESS BETTER THAN YOU.
THANK YOU, DAD.
MOM, CLAIR, THANKS FOR THE HELP.
SARA, DON'T FORGET THAT BOOK.
SARA: I LEFT IT FOR YOU TO HAVE FUN WITH.
GARVIN: GOOD SEEING EVERYBODY.
YOU'LL SEE MORE OF US.
LET'S HAVE LUNCH.
OKAY, BUT I'LL CHOOSE THE PLACE.
RIGHT.
BYE, GARVIN.
NOW, DAD, WHAT IS THIS ABOUT YOU NOT SINGING AT SARA'S WEDDING? I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN.
YOU SANG AT OUR WEDDING.
YEAH, BUT I STARTED CRYING.
IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.
I'LL SING.
OH, NO.
* COME ON, BABY, AND CHANGE ME.
* PUT THE RING ON MY FINGER AND CHANGE ME.
* * YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU MARRIED ME * I WAS A GOOD MAN * BUT YOU CAN CHANGE ALL THAT FAST AS YOU CAN.
* THAT IS NOT THE SONG.
* WE BELONG TOGETHER IT GOES LIKE THIS: * WE BELONG TOGETHER.
YES.
* WE BELONG TOGETHER.
HOW DID I SING? ( DEEP VOICE: ) * WE BELONG LET ME HEAR YOU.
* WE BELONG TOGETHER.
SING IT WITH HIM, CLAIR.
* WE BELONG TOGETHER.
* JUST YOU.
* JUST YOU.
* JUST ME.
* THE WORLD TO SEE.
* WE BELONG TOGETHER * YOU AND ME FOREVER * THROUGHOUT ALL TIME.
* YOU'LL STILL BE MINE * 'CAUSE YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE * AND MADE IT SWEET * AND SO COMPLETE.
* YOU'LL BE MY LOVE.
* YOU'LL BE MY JOY * FOREVER * TOGETHER.
OOO *