The Critic s02e09 Episode Script

1 [Telephone ringing.]
Hello.
Jay, this is your inner child.
I escaped and I just robbed a liquor store.
[Sirens wailing.]
Gotta go! [Ice cracking.]
[All screaming.]
[All groaning.]
It stinks.
[Remote clicks.]
Our last film is a remake of guess who's coming to dinner starring Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson.
[Music playing.]
Lisa Marie, honey, who's your new girlfriend? He's my husband.
Now, honey, you two don't go together, just like whipped cream and pork chops.
Here's your pork chops and whipped cream, king.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Daddy, you don't like Michael just 'cause his skin's a different color.
No, it isn't.
[Laughing.]
I have a soft spot for this movie.
You see, I once worked as a Elvis impersonator and Well, here's a clip.
(Male announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis impersonator, Jay sherman.
[Audience cheering.]
[Band playing.]
[Tearing.]
Show's over.
Jay sherman has left the building.
[Audience cheering.]
Hey! AndCut.
Listen, could I get out early today? My sister's comin' for a visit and I've got to tidy up.
Hey, I'll come with you and give you a hand.
Good news, jelly-belly, you've moved up to 5th in your time slot.
Nice to be here, ed.
I think you should know a little about my sister before she gets here.
Let's just say she's like Satan with a boob job.
(Alice) My sister and I have never really gotten along.
Randa was better than me at everything.
Listen to the mockingbird listen to the mockingbird [screeches.]
If the nightingales could sing like you they'd sing, but sweeter than they do [whistling tune.]
[Grunts.]
Then she had the nerve to upstage me at my weddin'.
Only the bride is supposed to wear a wedding dress! Oh! Silly me.
I'll just take it off.
Mmm Eh oh! (Man on p.
A.
System) Yo! The bus from Knoxville has arrived.
You'll know randa when you see her.
Bonjour, y'all.
I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.
Then you're in the wrong place, toots.
This is New York.
Now, I'm off to my job.
English Professor at N.
Y.
"Youse.
" Hmm.
[Humming.]
Hello, Alice.
I can see New York's done wonders for your appetite.
[Growls.]
Jay sherman, this is my sister, randa.
Miranda tompkins, at your service.
Miranda's named after the heroine of the tempest.
I'm named after Alice kramden on the honeymooners.
We were both lucky compared to brother bisquick.
Now, if I can find a Porter Sir, pardon me.
Might I ask Hon', if you're going to live here, you're going to have to learn a few new languages.
Excuse me, but for another cab you could wait, maybe? Here.
Take and be healthy.
[Speaking foreign language.]
[Speaking foreign language.]
My, what a perfectly Little apartment.
Mama, aunt randa's going to teach me to giggle stupidly to make men do my bidding.
[Giggling.]
[Growls.]
Oh! Please, randa, lets not make this any more like a streetcar named desire than it has to be.
[Imitating marlon brando.]
Alice.
Alice! What we got here is napoleonic code, which means I get to eat as many napoleons as I can find.
[Laughing.]
So, randa, what brings you to New York? I'm here to catch a rich husband.
Jay, you look like you're riding pretty high on the hog.
No, well Just take a look at the size of my wallet.
Isn't that your wallet on the table, there? Ew! Look, randa, you're a very attractive woman, but I love Alice and nothing's going to change that.
Fine.
I'll find myself a millionaire with a less preposterous posterior.
[Slurring.]
Now, you must understand I only want you for your body.
[Laughing.]
I like a man who likes the way I look.
You don't understand.
I need a liver transplant with a kidney chaser.
[Laughs.]
God, I'm funny! [Sighs.]
What's wrong, date? I get the feeling you're not the least bit interested in me.
I think you're the most gorgeous creature alive.
Those lips those eyes That rugged 5:00 shadow The old maid at the table will pay my check.
Oh, pooh! Vlada, you darling, little foreign man.
Come sit down and tell me how y'all are.
Sorry, pretty lady.
Vlada's souffle hasn't risen in years.
I don't know why Jay didn't mention his rich Uncle sooner, Mr.
sherman.
He sounds perfect for me.
Well, brother Hannibal is a bit touched in the head.
Oh, Hannibal? Hello, randa.
You look good enough to eat.
[Slurping.]
[Screaming.]
Now, that's fast food.
Anyway, Alice's birthday is coming up, I'd like to buy her a present.
Uh-huh.
I want to get her just the right thing.
You kissed her yet? Yes.
Do you love her? Yes.
Get a tattoo with her name in it.
That's what I did with my true love.
Unsettling, isn't it? Very.
Alice, in honor of your birthday A diamond locket.
There's a picture of me inside.
Jay, honey Couldn't you have picked a more flattering picture? No.
Well, I love it.
You make me so happy.
Jay, I'm lonely.
Come talk to me.
Randa, it's Alice's night.
Stop making yourself the center of attention! Me? I ask you lovely people am I making myself the center of attention? Do you always have to hog the spotlight? Can't you let Alice Who's sitting here with me, have one night? What kind of a sister are you? I will not be talked to that way.
[Sobbing.]
I resent you hogging the spotlight at the state of the union address.
But Hillary, honey, I'm the president.
Oh, you're right.
I'm sorry.
[Sobbing.]
[Sobbing.]
God bless daddy and Uncle bisquick, and please give momma the butt lift aunt randa says she needs so desperately.
[Growls.]
I am sick and tired of you livin' under my roof, eatin' my food, and a-treatin' me like dirt.
Very well.
I can do just fine on the streets of New York by myself.
[Sirens wailing.]
[Guns firing.]
[Knocking on door.]
Never insult the cheesecake at lindy's.
Randa, you can stay, but tomorrow you're going out to get a job and start earning your keep around here.
[Sighs.]
All right, it's not like I'm going to find a millionaire.
I guess my life's not going to have a fairy tale endin' after all.
Oh, hide me! I'm being chased by 3 bears.
There's a dispute over some porridge.
Don't ask questions.
Oh, Jay, don't tease.
[Growling.]
(Randa) Vlada, if I'm going to stay in New York, I really need a job.
Could I be your hostess? Now, if you wish to be vlada's hostess, you must know who is hot and who is not.
If David letterman and Regis philbin both want the last table, which one gets it? Letterman.
Good.
Deforest kelley or a mangy yellow dog? Hmm the dog? Sorry! they both go out on the loading dock damn it, I'm a man, not a dog.
[Both snarling.]
Now, if you want to work here at the New York post, you must know that we insert the following words into every headline: "Headless," "nude," "sewage," and "governor.
" For instance, "subway fares raised" becomes "headless governor found nude in subway sewage.
" What about the fares? You're fired.
Here at mattress in an hour, we deliver mattresses in an hour.
I'll do it.
Please, I've got to have this job.
All right.
You're hired, sweet cheeks.
Um isn't that sexual harassment? Actually, the New York supreme court ruled that it is not.
Hey, baby, I got something under my robes for you.
Hey, how'd you like to bang my gavel, sweetheart? You want to see a learned hand? Hah! I'm exhausted.
Today I had to deliver a mattress to Madonna.
Then another one.
Then another one.
Then another one.
Then another one.
Oh, I almost forgot.
It's time for Jay's show.
Next up: One of America's favorite comedians stars in a remake of a classic film, rebel without a cosby.
You see, the knife is a good thing for slicin' and dicin', but it's not so good for pointin' at me, the coz', see? [Laughing.]
You should get yourself a spoon and fill it with jell-o pudding.
[Laughing.]
Comedians sticking themselves in classic films? What's next? Dr.
strangelovitz? Wait a minute.
That's a brilliant idea.
Hello, Hollywood? Here's the pitch: Dr.
strangelovitz.
He's a character actor.
No, I don't think he died.
Jay, I'd like to invite you to my spring costume ball.
It's to benefit Duke Phillips' agricultural institute.
We use nuclear technology to grow fresher tomatoes, bigger carrots [Growling.]
And potatoes that play the bagpipes.
[Bagpipes playing.]
Wow, he's Southern, he's a billionaire, he commands an army of mutant produce.
I think I'm in love.
Alice, can I go to Duke's ball with you? No.
I will not give you the chance to upstage me in front of all my friends and co-workers.
Please, Alice, this is my last chance at happiness.
You've got so much: A beautiful daughter, a good job, your boyfriend, with his unique interpretation of masculinity.
All right, I have to admit it.
I'm jealous of you.
You? Of me? Yes! All right, you can come to the ball.
(Duke) Hey, what happened to the giant potato? I don't know.
[People chattering.]
Jay, where did you park? I left my car with the valet.
There's no valet.
Doh! Excuse me.
I'm just going to check my makeup.
(Franklin) Hello, son.
Uh, dad, you didn't bring a costume.
Oh, yes, I did.
Drinkin'! Ow! Whoo-hoo! [Laughing maniacally.]
Oh, dear.
This is just what he did at Nixon's funeral.
[Music playing.]
Duke's here.
Where's randa? She's still in the bathroom.
I'll go check on her.
You stay with Duke.
(Jay) Hello, Duke.
What are you dressed as? The bald gay man? Yes, that's it.
The bald gay man.
Attention, everybody.
We have a winner for the best costume: Jay sherman as the bald gay man.
All the rest of you bald gay men can go home.
Look at the way he's dressed.
Lord, I never win.
[Randa sobbing.]
Randa? Randa, what's wrong? I can't go out there.
I got my first wrinkle.
It's right here by my eye.
Oh, honey, you can barely see it.
Duke'll know it's there.
Southern boys always do.
[Sobbing.]
All right, don't panic.
I'll go out and get you a mask.
Alice, honey, you think you could try a little harder? [People chattering.]
[Inaudible whispering.]
[Music playing.]
[Gasps.]
Miss Scarlett, may I have the honor of this dance? Gracious! How crowded it is.
Want me to have them all killed for you? I can do it.
Oh, you're sweet.
But not just now.
We can be alone out on the roof.
But rhett, honey, what will people say? Frankly, my dear, I don't give a crap.
Your gown's beautiful.
I bet you made it out of window curtains, just like in gone with the wind, huh? Why, how did you know? You still got the venetian blinds here in the back.
You really want to see something, pull the cord.
[Ripping.]
Ooh, ooh.
Baby's got back.
[Bell chiming.]
It's midnight.
Time to take off your mask.
I I I'd rather not.
What's the matter? Got a big old crow's foot or something? [Laughing.]
I I've got to go.
[Sobbing.]
Scarlett, come back! Your slipper! [Laughing maniacally.]
Oh, dad, control yourself.
Ooh, dessert cart.
I just can't face Duke again, and I don't want you tellin' him it was me.
Randa, honestly, it's just a little wrinkle.
Don't be so sensitive.
Jay, darling, didn't you try to hide it when you started losing your hair? [Speaking with British accent.]
Hear ye, hear ye, it is the decision of this critic that Sylvester Stallone shall be hanged by the neck until dead.
Jay, take that stupid thing off.
Leapin' lizards! [Growling.]
Hmm.
You've got a point.
Our last film tonight is field of dreams ii, with Kevin costner.
[Man whispering.]
If you build it, they will come.
Wow! Babe Ruth! Hey, where can a fella get a hooker around here? Uh Ty Cobb! Where's the nearest klan meeting? Wow! Billy Martin! You're my idol.
[Grunts.]
Feh.
Folks, I'm going to marry the woman who fits this slipper.
Please, Scarlett, come back to me, honey.
I need you.
I need you! [Sobbing.]
(Man) Viewer disclaimer: Duke Phillips is not himself.
He has been mixing nyquil and dayquil.
AndCut.
Oh, it's no use.
I'm never going to find the woman who fits this slipper.
You haven't tried me.
Doris, that was you at the ball? Uh yeah.
You're my Southern belle? Yes, I am, honey child.
Duke, this is crazy.
She's not from the South.
I'm from Alabama.
Mobile? Just barely.
(Man) Tonight, on soft copy: Billionaire Duke Phillips to wed last surviving bronte sister.
Jay, you've got to talk to Duke.
No.
Randa made me promise I wouldn't.
Doris isn't the one he loves.
Just go to his house.
You'll think of something.
I don't know.
You know, I've only been to Duke's house once and it wasn't pleasant.
All right, sherman, you've been here long enough.
I'll give you the dental plan you want with a $50 deductible.
$25 deductible.
See you in 5 years.
I am not going back there.
Please, Jay.
Please, Jay.
(Jay's stomach) Please, Jay.
What do you care? I said peas, Jay, with those little pearl onions i love so well.
Oh.
All right.
I am the great and powerful Duke! Hello.
Jay? It's not about that dental plan, is it? No, no, no! I want to talk to you about Doris.
Come with me.
Duke, the woman you met that night wasn't Doris.
It was fiddle-Dee-Dee.
I didn't know we had company.
Doris, you're not from the South.
I told you, I'm from Alabama.
Tuscaloosa? No, I use dentu-grip.
What am I going to do? I've got it! Mattress in an hour.
Duke, where's your bedroom? You people never give up.
I am not gay.
And if I was gay, I would do something about that wallpaper.
Plaids and florals? Oh, please, dukey-dukey.
Wow.
Some mattress.
Mind if I try it? [Yelling.]
Son, you going anywhere with this? That was my only mattress and bedtime's in an hour.
Going to have to call mattress in an hour.
My plan worked, and with the maximum of subtlety.
[Grunting.]
[Sighs.]
Mattress in an hour.
[Gasps.]
Scarlett, it's you! But you don't mind my wrinkle? Hey, I was going to marry her and she's nothing but wrinkles.
Her whole body looks like Reagan's neck.
Good one, Duke.
[Bagpipes playing.]
[All exclaiming.]
[Gasps.]
Come back! Jay, Alice, I want to thank you for everything you've done.
Me too, son.
Anything I can do for you, you just name it.
How about a dental plan? Fat chance.
Guards! [Growling.]
Ah! [Wedding march playing.]
(Jay) Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, the show's over.
Get away, pipsqueak.
That's why I love her.
[Chattering.]
Shh.