The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e09 Episode Script

Ah, I see you majored
in business at Yale.
Wharton MBA, three years
at Procter & Gamble.
You know, I think that
you are perfect for the job.
Here's your Santa stomach
and your suit.
Whoo! You might wanna wash out
the stomach. Congratulations.
I'll keep this on file in case
the CEO position opens up.
Ho-ho-ho. Ha-ha..
I am done! Yes, yes, yes!
Da-da, da-da.
Let me guess,
they finally found the hunters
who stole your tusks.
Oh, you think that's funny,
the slaughter
of an endangered species?
Were you laughing
when Buffalo Bill
was destroying entire herds?
It's different when it's family
isn't it?
It might be,
Chief Rubbing Thighs.
If you have to know, I'm happy
because for the first time
in seven years
I'm done early
with all my holiday hiring.
Which means I can have
a hassle-free Thanksgiving.
Hey, did you know
that on Thanksgiving Day
Domino's delivers
in only 15 minutes?
Alone for Thanksgiving, huh?
Can't find anybody
to watch you eat this year?
For your information,
I have a date.
And just because I'm the kinda
guy that likes to slow down
at accidents,
what are you doin'?
Well, like the rest
of the world
I'm gonna be with my family.
We're gonna be talkin'
about the things
we're most thankful for.
Last year, mine was,
I'm not you.
- Drew?
- Hi, Debbie.
- Hi.
- Who is that?
She fixes the copy machines.
She's also my Thanksgiving date.
- Click.
- Aren't you gonna introduce me?
No. I like her.
- Hi.
- Oh, so this is her.
This is what you left me for
after I gave you
the best six years of my life?
[sobbing]
She's kidding.
We never went out.
Just ignore her.
Oh, well, you can't ignore me.
If you could, you wouldn't be
knockin' on my door
every night, beggin' for it.
Well, is this true?
No, of course, it's not.
Oh, who am I kiddin'?
Yes, it's all true.
Come on, honey.
Give daddy some sugar.
Oh, oh. I lied! Oh, I lied! Oh!
Yuck! Ooh, now I know the last
thing a pizza sees. Ugh!
[laughing]
So, um, Drew,
since it's just gonna be
the two of us for Thanksgiving,
you don't mind
if I come over early,
watch the game, do you?
Well, as long
as you don't me mind sittin'
in front of the TV
in my underwear.
Wow, one more thing
to be thankful for.
[chuckles]
I can't wait until Thanksgiving.
Oh, and, uh, we're talkin'
boxers, right?
Well, for company, sure.
Why not?
[Debbie laughs]
Carey,
pick a name out of the hat.
Jones, you're fired.
Doesn't it bother you
that you have to do that?
[sighs]
Yes.
I long for the day
when I can do it
simply because I want to.
Heh-heh-heh.
And that day
may be coming soon.
I've just thought
of a brilliant business idea.
A Winfred-Louder
Thanksgiving Day Parade!
Wow, a parade,
now, Cleveland hasn't had
a Thanksgiving Day Parade
in years. That's a great idea.
Hm. I want you to organize it.
- Me?
- Hm.
I get to organize
the whole thing?
Oh, my God. Thank you, sir.
I can't wait to get started.
You know, next year
we're gonna have the best
Thanksgiving Day Parade ever.
No, this year, Carey.
Yup, next year's
gonna be great.
I said this year, Carey.
I heard what you said,
and I said next year's
gonna be great
'cause this year's gonna suck!
I can't put together a parade
in only two weeks.
Well, perhaps,
you should have told me that
before
I put out the press release.
- You put out a press release?
- With your picture.
The entire city of Cleveland
is depending on you.
Not to mention,
the employees of this store.
If this holiday sale
isn't a success
I'll be finding new ways
of firing people.
[chuckles]
Look, I don't want anybody else
to get fired, and I love
a parade, but unless the crowds
wanna see me walkin'
up and down Euclid Avenue
with my thumb up my butt
this ain't gonna happen.
Save all that
for the press conference.
Uh, what press conference?
The one you're having in five
four, three, two, one.
So, Carey, tell Cleveland about
your Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Uh, ahem, all I can say is,
I give it a big thumbs up.
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Yeah, hello. Yeah,
I know this is short notice.
But I'm calling
from Winfred-Louder and I need
some giant balloons
for a Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Have-have you got
anything available?
Oh, really? A world-famous
cartoon character?
Well, who the hell
is Tommy the Rabbit?
Well, what else you got?
Uh-huh.
A cow and a big spark plug.
Well, I can put a giant
Santa hand on the spark plug.
What the hell do I do
with the cow?
Oh, no, thank you.
That's where I keep my thumb.
[receiver slams]
[knocking on door]
Coming.
[sighs]
Gotta keep my spirits up.
Gotta stay positive.
I hope, I hope, I hope,
I hope this is death.
[door opens]
Hi, Drew. I got your mail.
Wow! It's a kind of a big step,
gettin' each other's mail.
[chuckles]
Well, an even bigger step.
You passed
the no-weird-catalogues test.
Oh. Glad you didn't get
Friday's mail.
[chuckles]
- So how's the parade goin'?
- Great!
It's really comin' together,
I got a cow
a giant spark plug
and Tommy the Rabbit.
So the parade's gonna be
really crappy, huh?
Well, at least I got my permits,
that's the first step
in a really successful parade
where, "The city won't block off
"the streets, so the floats have
to travel at the minimum speed
of 40 miles an hour."
Well, hey, hey, here's an idea,
instead of a parade
you can call it a race.
Hey, that's great,
and next time you go bowlin'
we'll call it exercise.
[knocking on door]
Coming.
- 'Hi.'
- Hey, hey. Hi.
Alright, Drew,
I will be right back.
I am just gonna finish spraying
"Honk if you love turkey"
on your car for the parade.
My car, my-my car's in the shop.
Oh. I gotta go.
So how's the Buzz Beer float
coming along?
- You guys are my last hope.
- Uh..
- Great, great, great.
- Good, good, yeah, good.
Huh, we had a little accident
with the glue gun.
Well, give it here.
I'll show you how it works.
Well, I-I..
It seems the freezing weather
cuts the drying time
down from 20 minutes to
pretty much when you touch it.
Yeah, if I had known that,
I wouldn't have tried
to scratch my back on
the garage wall. Look at this.
Drew, we're doing
the best we can.
But we're tryin' to build
a float on Lewis' van.
Can't we get flatbed trucks
like a normal parade?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Oh, trucks.
I got tons of trucks, but, see
I keep 'em
in a giant airplane hangar
because I'm nuts!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Did you get
your housie marching band?
No, they're booked.
How about the Shriners?
I love when they drive
those cute little cars.
- Oh, yeah, aren't those great?
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, I couldn't get 'em.
Look, I appreciate all the stuff
you guys are tryin' to do for me
but let's face it, I'm screwed.
This isn't gonna be a parade.
It's gonna be a 40-mile-an-hour
piece of crap.
Well, the good news is,
by the time
people realize that they
hate it, it'll be in Akron.
[chuckles]
[knocking on door]
Oh, that Debbie is so polite.
Come on in, sunshine.
[door opens]
[door shuts]
Keep your pants on, pig.
This is strictly business.
Word is, your parade's
marching down Suck Street.
(Oswald)
'Let me tell you something,
this parade'
may be starting out
on Suck Street
but with a little elbow grease
and determination
we're gonna push it up
Mediocre Hill
and let it roll down
Could've Been Worse Boulevard.
Yeah, and you'll been laughing
out of the other side
of your mouth when it arrives to
a smatterin' of tepid applause.
[laughing]
Thank you, dip and wad.
Actually,
I just came over to help.
You need flatbed trucks
for floats. I got 'em.
And I can make
your permit problems disappear.
[bottle cap clatters]
How?
My dad's got
his own trucking business.
He does a lot of work
for the city.
Oh, a teamster baby.
Who would've guessed? Huh.
Wait a minute,
you're not doin' this
out of the kindness of
your heart. What do you want?
Not much, just one little thing.
Let me guess, you want me
to put on a giant diaper
and go as Baby New Year's
at the office Christmas party.
Alright.
And I want somethin' else.
I wanna be the snow queen.
There, you're the snow queen.
In the parade, moron.
I wanna be the snow queen
at the head of the parade
on the main float.
Period, dot, end of sentence.
Why? Question mark.
'Cause ever since
I was a little girl, I..
What is this, Barbara Walters?
I just want it. Okay?
Do you want the trucks or not?
Drew, if you had trucks
you could have people
build real floats.
People that know
how to use glue guns.
All hail the snow queen.
(together)
Hail the snow queen.
Beautiful. Alrighty.
Back to your cruddy little
lives, my loyal losers.
[laughs]
Well, it's kind of like
a fairy tale.
- I got our parade!
- Yeah.
Hey, you wanna know
the best part?
Snow queen just slipped on the
ice and fell on her royal ass.
[instrumental music]
I wanna thank everybody for
gettin' up at the break of dawn
and helping out
with our Thanksgiving holiday.
The floats look great.
Also, I'm not sayin' I approve
of the legalized marijuana float
but if you guys are gonna
finish it, you got like an hour.
They're still at breakfast.
Okay then, well, let's just get
out there and give Cleveland
and Winfred-Louder
the best damn parade..
Let's just try not
to embarrass ourselves, okay?
You've done brilliantly, Carey.
You may have saved the jobs
of hundreds of employees.
All you need now is
Grand Marshal Squiggy!
Hello.
Oh, my God! You're Squiggy.
Well, no, Squiggy is just
a character I portrayed.
My real name is David L Lander
and I want you to know
I really don't wanna be here.
Of course, you do.
Of course, you do.
Mr. Lander was kind enough
to volunteer.
I didn't volunteer for anything.
I'm on a three-hour layover
and you promised
you'd take me to
the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame.
This is the Rock n' Roll
Hall of Fame.
This is our Buddy Holly display.
Listen, Carey,
I have no idea who he is
but people at the airport seemed
to be excited about him.
Look, he's really great,
but I promised Mimi
she'd be on the head float.
She got all the trucks for us.
It's like this, Carey,
with Squiggy Lander
we get television coverage.
With Mimi,
we get thousands of people
twiddling with the color
on the TV sets.
- Now do it.
- Yes, sir.
Now, Lander, what
was that funny thing you used
to always say on your TV show?
You think I should call
the airport?
[laughs]
Yes, that's it.
Your snow queen has arrived.
Hold the compliments.
Just show me to my float.
Mimi, you look great.
Okay, what's wrong?
And why did I just
walk past Squiggy?
Mr. Wick ran into Grand Marshal.
I'm really sorry.
Why? I'd love to ride
on a float with a TV star.
You don't understand it,
you can't be on the head float.
How about another float,
how about, how about
the Salute to Sausage?
No, my throne
is on the front float
and this dress was designed
to match the throne.
Look, I don't have time to
stand here and argue with you.
I have 30 other floats
to worry about.
I'll tell you
what to worry about.
You should worry about
the snow queen
and her five ladies in waiting!
Well, guess it's time for me
to count my blessings.
Okay, I'm done.
You should see it out there,
Drew, it may be smaller
than the other floats,
but our turkey van rules!
The only problem is,
every time we park it
people keep pickin' at it.
Larry, what are you doin' here?
You're supposed to be downstairs
inflating the giant yam.
Why bother? Mimi took
all the keys to the trucks.
Said the parade is off,
blamed you
and taught my daughters
a new word.
- Oh, my God! Where'd she go?
- I don't know.
When that outfit comes out,
you just get out of the way.
Oh, thought you might
be interested.
The, uh, Tommy the Rabbit
balloon has working genitalia.
Yeah, this is Drew. Listen,
the parade may be cancelled.
But in case it's not,
could you make sure that
Tommy the Rabbit doesn't follow
right behind Raggedy Ann?
[instrumental music]
So, there weren't any cabs, huh?
It's Thanksgiving morning.
We're off to airport..
I couldn't wait an hour
and a half to get to Mimi's.
Couldn't wait an hour
and a half, huh?
No, and all the other cars
are blocked in by floats.
All the other cars
are blocked in, huh?
What are you doing?
Trying to keep my face
moving before it freezes.
Is there some way
we can get in the van?
No. If there was,
we could get Lewis out.
I can't believe you built
the float right over the doors.
Gobbler this is Giblets.
Come in.
What do you want, Oswald?
Can't you move this bird any
faster? We're freezin' up here.
No, I can't.
The heater's stuck on
and I've got sweat in my eyes.
Uh-oh, what's it mean
when you're not sweatin' anymore
but you're still hot?
Oh, look,
there's grandpa with Jesus.
What are we gonna do
when we get to Mimi's?
I'm gonna ask for the keys back,
if she doesn't give 'em to us
Mr. Wick gave me permission
to fire her.
So either way,
there's gonna be a parade.
Hey, look,
there's the teen center.
They'll get a kick
out of this float.
Hey, kids!
Hey, Lewis, honk the horn.
[turkey squawking]
- Ah..
- Oh, my God, duck!
Ah!
[knocking on door]
- Who is it?
- 'Avon.'
(Drew as woman)
'S-special
Thanksgiving Day sale.'
What? You!
You took the name of Avon
in vain, you're goin' to hell!
The parade starts
in 20 minutes. Give me the keys!
- No way, pig!
- I've got frostbite.
I need to soak in warm water.
I could lose my hand.
Well, there goes your love life.
Alright, have it your way,
Oswald will just have to warm
his hands on your autographed
picture of Antonio Banderas.
(Oswald)
Yeah.
Give me that.
Getting Drew germs on it.
Hope he doesn't turn
into a pig now.
You're not gettin' the keys.
Something wrong, kitten?
No, dad. Drew was just leaving.
Drew? Drew Carey?
Look, I don't know
what she told you--
Hey, honey, come on out here.
It's the wonderful Drew Carey.
Mimi's friend from the store.
Somehow I knew they'd be drunks.
So from everything
that my little girl tells me
at the store, they're grooming
you two for bigger things.
- Daddy!
- Hey!
It's no crime
for your dad to be proud of you.
Did you know that
my little princess was third
in her class
at finishing school?
Well, I would've bet
on her to place.
Oh, so here he is.
Don't tell me you're Mimi's mom.
Yes, thank you.
And you'll have to excuse me
because
I barely had time
to put my face on.
Well, you got
somebody's face on.
[screams]
Oh, I see you've met our
other daughter, Gigi.
You wanna see
my glass clown collection?
Uh, no, no, no, ma'am.
I really don't. No.
Are you sure?
Lewis, how's it goin'
down there?
- 'Fine.'
- Oh, fine? Uh-oh.
Uh, that's our code
for big trouble. I gotta go.
Look, I'd love to stay and see
what's behind the next curtain.
But Mimi and I have a little
business to take care of.
- And then I have to go.
- Uh-oh, please, please.
We wanna tell you
how we're thrilled about
Mimi being on the head float
at the parade.
You know, we can't believe
our little girl's
actually gonna be on TV.
You don't know how long
we've dreamed about this.
Yeah, I-I'm sure she told you
about the first time
she was supposed to be
snow queen.
- Yeah, look, I really gotta go.
- You, you know..
She was in junior high
and they'd promised her the part
then they went and gave it
to the principal's daughter.
[sobbing]
You'll have to excuse me.
I don't normally cry.
Yes, you do, but it's alright.
Look, there must be
some misunderstanding here
because this morning
I told Mimi that--
- Hey, is that a mouse?
- Where?
Oh, I must have been mistaken.
Look, could you guys leave us
alone for a couple of minutes?
Oh, sure, kitten.
Now you two behave out here,
huh? No hanky-panky.
There might be some uppy chucky
but there won't be
any hanky-panky.
I can't believe
you didn't tell them.
I couldn't. You saw them.
They live through me.
This would crush them.
I'm just gonna hang around
for a couple of minutes
and then pretend
I'm goin' to the parade.
What happens when they turn on
the TV and you're not there?
That's why I came home
and broke the TV, moron.
What do you think,
I'm as stupid as you look?
Look, I don't wanna hurt
your parents either.
But I don't have any choice. Now
give me the keys.
- No way!
- Well, fine.
We'll just go downtown, tell
David Lander to get back on the
plane.
We probably won't get
any TV coverage.
Winfred-Louder
will go out of business
hundreds of people
will lose their jobs
all so that spoiled little Mimi
can be the snow queen.
Okay, let's go.
No!
Look, Mimi, I didn't want it to
come down to this, but Mr. Wick
told me that if you didn't
give me the keys, you're fired.
Alright,
here's your stupid keys.
Honey, look who woke up
from his nap.
He wants to wish you good luck
in the parade.
Oh, hi, grandpa.
Mimi, I just want you to know
that even though this may be
my last Thanksgiving
seeing you as snow queen
on TV..
will make it my best ever.
Oh, man!
Everyone,
I have something to say.
What is it, dear? Talk fast.
I'm not gonna be
on the head float.
So I won't be on TV.
- What?
- Oh, no!
That's right, she won't be on TV
unless we leave right away.
Yeah, the parade
starts any minute.
And what's a parade
without a snow queen?
Well, then, go on.
Get out of here.
- Good luck, honey.
- Okay.
- See you on TV.
- 'Okay.'
Hey, thanks, pig.
I mean, Drew.
It's just good
to be out of your apartment.
Well, thanks anyway.
Oh, I forgot my scepter.
I'll meet you down at the truck.
- Well?
- He fell for it!
[laughing]
Good thing, because my knees
are starting to fall asleep.
[laughing]
Grandpa, you just bought
yourself that bottle of gin.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo.
- That's good.
Seeing as it's
my last Thanksgiving.
[laughing]
And you know, my daughter,
you were right.
- He really is a pig.
- 'Yeah.'
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
Drew, you're missing
the best part of the parade.
The hemp float raised
the skull and crossbones
and just boarded
the Entenmann's bakery float.
[laughs]
Hey, look, Mimi's on TV.
(man on TV)
'So, Ms. Bobeck, you're
the snow queen of the parade.'
(Mimi on TV)
'That's right, and I'd like to
thank all the wonderful people'
'of Cleveland for comin' out
to see me.'
'And I'd also like to wish
everyone'
'a happy and healthy
Thanksgiving.'
(man on TV)
'And now why is it
you're holding a fly swatter?'
(Mimi on TV)
'It's a scepter, jackass.'
Maybe I better adjust the color.
No, it's fine.
(man on TV)
'God, something's happening
to one of the balloons.'
[people screaming on TV]
'Good Lord, the giant cow
balloon has broken loose.'
What about the bakery float?
Is the bakery float okay?
Oh, no, it looks like..
It looks like it's gonna
hit the power line.
It'll never make it over
the store to the power line.
Those ones are too heavy,
it'll never happen.
[crackling]
[thudding]
(Drew)
'Oh, man! Who did I sit on?'
[indistinct chatter]
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]