The Goldbergs s02e09 Episode Script

Cindy Crawford, Kathy Ireland, Claudia Schiffer.
The '80s gave birth to the supermodel.
They had everything The hair, the bodies, the cheekbones.
a supermodel had to be perfect, but my brother was about to prove that wrong.
Gentlemen, it appears my holiday shopping is done.
Jealous? Dude! Butt mug.
Now you can drink hot cocoa out of a butt 'cause it's a mug with a butt.
Better get moving 'cause they only got a couple left.
Oh, my mom is going to love that.
Sweet butt mug, bro.
- Sure is.
- Have we met before? Perhaps at the Gucci show in Milan, Italy? Mmm, no.
Oh, sorry.
Where do you model? - Where do I what? - Model.
I mean, clearly someone with your symmetrical face, perfect bone structure, and jazzy hair is already working the circuit, right? You know, that hadn't occurred to me yet, but it makes total sense.
Then today's my lucky day.
I'm John Calabasas.
I'm a talent scout.
Do you have representation? Whoa.
Hold up.
Are you for real? I'm just a dude at a mall.
Iman was discovered at a stop'n go, Kathy Ireland at a sizzler, Cindy Crawford in a corn maze.
Supermodels get discovered everywhere.
Supermodel?! Me?! You remind me of Claudia Schiffer before she worked with me.
Claudia Schiffer worked with you?! People like me, yes.
And you can, too.
Yeah, this really happened all the time back in the '80s.
Yeah.
Scam artists would target naive dreamers and promise them super stardom for a low fee.
You are blowing me away.
And my brother was as naive as they came.
Big news, everyone! I've been personally selected to be a world-famous model.
Well, I think you're limiting yourself at world-famous, but continue.
I was approached by a modeling scout in the mall.
He had a brochure and an official business card.
"John Calabasas, professional model finder.
" Good.
He's legit.
All I have to do is give him $100, take some classes, and soon, I'll be making upwards of $10,000 a day being a supermodel.
You're a super moron.
Mom's never gonna throw away $100.
I made it out to cash.
When did you even write that? Oh, my God.
I've been saying it for years and now it's finally been confirmed.
My little monkey is the most handsome boy on the planet.
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hands off the money-maker.
Now, if you excuse me, I need to get some beauty rest.
Wake me in 14 hours.
Wait.
Why don't you put some cucumbers on your eyes like the models do? Ahh, oh, yeah.
I feel it burning already.
- Burning? - Aah! - It burns so much! - Oh, no.
I already dressed the salad.
It's lemon pepper vinaigrette.
Ah, ah, my eyes, my beautiful deep brown eyes! - Help me! - Come on.
Be brave.
- Ohh.
- Be brave.
The Goldbergs - 02x09 The Most Handsome Boy on the Planet It was December 28, 1980-something, and I was gearing up to get my "E.
T.
" on.
Back then, people loved it so much, it stayed in theaters for over a year, and no one loved it more than me.
Man, I'm so psyched that we're seeing "E.
T.
" again.
It's the 10th time, but it feels like the 3rd.
Yeah, I hear 10 is when you really start to appreciate the nuances.
Wait a second.
You've seen this movie that many times? Why are you dragging me here with all the damn holiday crowds? It's about a puppet.
A puppet? Is Fozzie Bear just a puppet? Is Alf just a puppet? Is Yoda Yes.
Those are all puppets.
Murray.
Hey.
Hey.
That night, we had something even more rare than an alien sighting My dad's dad, pop-pop.
He was a man of few words.
So, uh, how's things and whatever you're doing? Eh.
Yep, my dad got it from somewhere.
- You? - Eh.
Like any grandpa, he knew everything about me.
Barry.
That was actually a pretty good interaction with pop-pop.
He had said over three words and none of them were obscenities.
I'll be right here.
But that night, I couldn't stop thinking about pop-pop.
He lived in town and it was strange how we barely ever saw him.
I never stopped to think if it bothered my dad until this happened.
What the hell was that? Whhhhy? Is that horrible sound coming from your dad? - I'd always wanted to know what it'd be like to see my dad cry, but then I did and I instantly regretted it.
Sounds like a goat being strangled.
Just look at the screen and lose yourself in the movie.
I can't! What are you wearing? It's called high fashion, Erica.
Check it.
I can casually flip my jacket over my shoulder.
Dude, you're not a model.
Just for saying that, you're not invited to my oceanside condo in Kokomo where I'll windsurf with the beach boys.
God, you're an idiot.
All righty.
Just finished ironing more outfits for your head shots.
- This stuff if fabulous.
- Mm.
Model walk, model walk, model walk, model walk, model walk, model walk.
Mom, don't give him money.
It's a scam.
These creeps troll the malls looking for the vain, weak, and sad.
Hey, Barry was born to model.
Okay, maybe not born because of his skull shape.
But when that helmet came off, it was like looking at a baby boy version of Cheryl Tiegs.
He's gonna be crushed when he finds out the truth.
- And that's on you.
- Fine.
If it'll make you feel better, I'll go down there and make sure it's all legit.
I know you think I've always got my mom goggles on, but I'm not as blind as you think.
Look at that snuggle bug.
He's gorgeous! Unbelievable.
Are you sure you've never done this before? Mark my words, you're gonna be so rich and famous, you're gonna be able to hurt people without consequences.
Yes! Oh, he's got a hair out of place.
You mind if I just poof him a little? Please.
Poof away.
Whoa, what is happening right now?! What? Did I mess him up? No.
Do you mind if I take a couple of the two of you together? - Absolutely not! - We'd love that.
Oh, wow.
You see, I get a ton of calls for mother/son teams, but it's always actors playing a part.
I've never seen a mother love her child so much.
That's because no mother ever has loved her child so much.
I've never done this before.
But for another 100 bucks, I can make you a model, too, mom.
No way! Done.
I made it out to cash.
When did you even write that? And so, they got to work.
And it was something, all right.
No.
Don't do that.
Stop.
Get off of me! - Stop! - Come on.
No! I don't want to be a model anymore.
While my mom was living her wildest dreams, I was still processing the nightmare of seeing my dad cry.
No way.
That's impossible.
Dad doesn't cry ever.
I know what I saw Human tears coming out of his face.
What? What's going on? Why's everyone staring at me? What's with all the staring? You cried! When E.
T.
phoned home, he left and you cried and I saw it.
I did not! I didn't even like the stupid movie.
Dumb little alien.
All he wanted to do was get home.
Then it turns all white and crusty like an old dog turd.
He loved that boy.
But still, he had to leave.
I don't want to talk about the damn movie anymore.
You're welling up.
It's happening.
Nothing's happening! Come back! I want to see what it looks like! Cry for me! Cry for me! After 25 years, the man cries at a puppet Makes no sense.
Unless it's not the puppet but what the puppet represents.
We all know that "E.
T.
" is about an absent father, right? No.
What movie were you watching? All I saw was a magic frogman build a telephone out of a speak & spell.
It was a cry for help.
Dad misses pop-pop, and it's up to me to bring them back together.
Not happening.
After your Nana left, pop-pop lived his life filled with bitterness and anger, most of which was directed at your dad.
And the resentment that runs between them is bone-deep.
Man.
That's a lot of anger.
And only a crazy, renegade han solo-kind of guy would try and fix it.
Exactly.
Wait.
W-what are you saying? So, I did what han solo would do in this situation Lure his grandfather over with a free bowl of potato salad.
I got a plan and I need your help.
No, no plan.
That is not a nice man.
Watch this.
Long time no see, Ben.
Looking good.
So, you think you're better than me, huh? Huh? Hey, pop-pop, since you're here, I was wondering if maybe you could help me with a history project for school.
You know what I did in school? - Quit so I could work.
- What's he doing here? Getting interviewed for a school project about our family.
Wait a minute.
This just occurred to me right now in this moment.
You should do the interview together.
Tell you what, Adam.
Just interview us old-timers and Murray can film it.
So, what do you say, fellas? We'll take that as a yes.
So, with a little help from pops, my plan was in motion.
Now all I had to do was get my closed-off grandpa to open up.
Okay, so I'm just gonna ask a few questions, so speak from the heart.
- Dad, we rolling? - No idea.
Great.
So, let's start off with an easy one.
What's your favorite thing in life? One word family.
When I was 6 years old, I worked in a button factory.
There was a terrible fire, but I got two days off Two glorious days.
Wow.
So, what do you say we shift gears and talk about family specifically.
What's your best memory with your kids? The day Bev was born.
Pop-pop? I got hit by a car when I was 29.
It was a terrible accident.
But I got some money in the settlement, and decided to invest it in a new company called 7UP.
Well, until my genius son talked me out of it.
He hated clear soda.
And I missed out on the biggest opportunity of my life! That's your best memory? I thought you said worst.
If we're doing awful memories, I got a few hundred of them.
Okay, maybe we should take five.
How about when you left for a year to go sell frozen beef So, apparently, getting my dad and pop-pop to open up about the past wasn't the best han solo move.
I had to come up with a plan "B" and fast.
Hey, pop-pop, do you want to see "E.
T.
" with me? - No.
- I have a coupon for free popcorn.
- What size? - Medium? I have changed my mind and will go.
So, maybe I couldn't melt pop-pop's heart But I knew a little puppet who could.
You're unreal! Being a supermodel is my dream.
I'm not sharing the cover of Vogue with my mom.
I've worked too hard to get here.
Let me just take one class with you and see where it takes us.
Sound like a plan? No! My plan is to retire this face at 38 'cause I'm realistic and I know my looks won't last.
So, I start a super-popular teen fashion line called "Barry Comfortable" and then boom I retire to a beach mansion in Kokomo without you.
You think you'll survive in Kokomo without your mother? Wrong.
Kokomo will chew you up and spit you out.
Find your own island paradise! Model walk, model walk, model walk, model walk.
Good stuff.
It's just the normal fireworks of a creative partnership.
We really are the Lennon and McCartney of mother/son supermodeling teams.
Wow.
Calabasas really exploited your greatest weakness Your love for us.
Please! You know nothing about that man.
Actually I do.
I'm gonna show you something, and you have to promise never to tell a single soul.
Of course.
I'm great at keeping secrets.
What? I'm okay at it.
I am the worst.
You shouldn't tell me.
- I should go.
- No.
You're going to sit there and listen.
A few years ago, John Calabasas saw me in the mall and said I could be a supermodel.
Pops gave me the money to take his class.
Why didn't you tell me? 'Cause of what's in here.
There's your proof.
Look at these tragic, awkward pictures and tell me it's not a scam.
What? Yea no, you're adorable.
Take off the mom goggles and really look.
It's a scam.
While my mom was feeling duped, I was attempting to get pop-pop to feel anything.
Ouch.
And I was right there, ready to wipe his tears.
Need a tissue? Yeah.
Or plug his ears.
I was all out of options.
Tell me when it's over.
My pop-pop was unfixable.
I don't get it.
How do you not feel bad for E.
T.
? I felt sorry for those poor feds because they couldn't examine him properly 'cause that stupid kid was always getting in the way.
What? That Elliott ought to be locked up.
You see something, you report it.
Who watches "E.
T.
" and sides with the FBI agents? - Who does that?! - An American.
That martian had a magic finger.
We don't know if he can weaponize that.
It's not a weapon.
That finger's for healing purposes only.
But we don't know till we cut him up and see how he ticks.
Oh, my God! What's wrong with you?! Me? You're the deluded one, Barry.
I blame your dad.
This is what happens when you go soft on your kids.
They end up honest-to-God morons.
Adam.
My name is Adam.
See you around, pop-pop.
While the reality of who pop-pop was finally sunk in, Barry was about to face a reality of his own.
Okay, here comes Barry.
Now's the time to tell him that he's way too unappealing to be a model.
No sweat.
I got this.
Hide your daughters! There's the most handsome boy on the planet! - Mom.
- Fine.
Honey, uh, I'm afraid I've got some really bad news.
Yeah, me too.
I just learned that something we're really stoked about's a total sham.
- There is no Kokomo.
- What? I just made some calls to the airlines to price tickets.
Turns out the beach boys made it up.
Honey, there's something else I need to talk to you about.
I know.
I feel bad about our fight, and I'm sorry.
I think I got upset 'cause no one ever told me I was handsome before.
What?! Every day, I tell you you're the most handsome boy in the world.
But here's the thing Your words mean nothing to me.
But when a stranger said it, then I realized it was true.
And nothing can change that, even you being a model, too.
So, let's do it.
Let's supermodel together.
Yes! There may not be an actual Kokomo, but we're gonna make enough supermodel money to build one.
Well, I give up.
Model walk.
Model walk, model walk, model walk, model walk, model walk.
Way to let him down easy, mom.
Don't you worry.
If my delicious boy wants to be a model, mama's gonna make him one.
You're okay, right? No.
Ahh.
But you're getting over it? No.
Where's your mom? She's usually, uh, good with this stuff.
Beverly?! You probably just want to be alone.
No.
Beverly, where are you?! Fine.
Um, what's going on? I'm getting rid of all my "E.
T.
" stuff.
Pop-pop ruined it for me.
- What'd he say? - He called me a moron.
He can't do that! Where you going? Put on your coat.
We're gonna have a little talk with your grandfather.
Yep, my dad had a very strict rule.
Only he was allowed to call me moron.
What's with all the knocking? For God's sakes, put some pants on.
It makes people uncomfortable.
Said my dad.
What is it you want from me? I want you to apologize to my son.
For what? For calling him a moron! Apologize! I'm sorry you're a moron.
Fine! You don't want to say you're sorry.
I will.
I'm sorry you worked in a button factory.
I'm sorry you didn't invest in 7UP.
And I'm sorry that mom left when we were young, leaving you stuck with two kids you didn't want! But you know what I'm most sorry about? I'm sorry that you're such a miserable man that you're gonna miss out on your grandkids' lives the same way you missed out on mine.
Happy New Year, dad.
All I'd wanted was to bring everyone closer together, but what I really did was drive them further apart.
Yes, people.
Own it.
Spines straight now.
Keep those spines straight.
Does anybody know a four-letter word for a Mongolian tent made of skins? It's a scam.
You're not models.
None of us are.
Shh! Please lower your voice, okay? And if you're here to get your money back, that tiny sign over there semi-clearly says, "no refunds.
" I don't want a refund.
I want my beautiful boy to be a model.
Look, Mrs.
Goldberg, I may have painted a bit of a rosy picture.
I can't just get your son a job because it's, like, really hard to be a model.
Did you hear that? - He said it's really hard to be a model.
- Shh! Please, I need you to stay focused, okay? There's gonna be a lot of distractions just like this on the catwalks of Paris.
Why don't you just beat it? Okay, I'll leave.
But Barry had better get a gig.
And if that doesn't happen, I'll call the better business bureau, the chamber of commerce, and the 6:00 news.
I might even call your mother.
How would you like that? Please do not call my mom.
We have a very complicated relationship.
Then you best get to work.
Meanwhile, I wasn't sure if my dad was mad at pop-pop or me, but I thought my best move was to forget the whole thing happened.
So do you have any New Year's resolutions? I'm thinking about cutting back on fruit roll-ups.
I'm sorry you had to see me blow up like that.
No, I'm sorry.
Pops was right.
I shouldn't have mixed in.
Well, then, why did you? I don't know.
Maybe Because I don't want there to be a world where we live a mile away and never speak.
Look at me.
That will never be us.
Really? Yeah.
I'll always be right here.
Sure, our family wasn't perfect, but nothing's ever unfixable.
Guess who just booked his first modeling gig.
I am very proud and not at all surprised.
I never really believed this could have happened.
But you always did.
And I always will.
Oh, boopie.
Model walk, model walk.
Model, walk, model walk, model walk, model walk.
Barry may not have been an actual supermodel.
And we may not have always been what you'd call a model family that went on all the time.
Do you have to do that? You're gonna start the New Year off acting like an idiot.
But in our house, it wasn't about being perfect.
Dad.
Everything okay? No, it's, uh, family time.
Get in here.
The countdown's starting.
Three, two Happy New Year! 'Cause that's what New Year's is for.
It's a time for new beginnings A time to appreciate the people you love Even if sometimes they body-slam you.
But more importantly, it's a time to look forward Hey, hey! To the New Year that maybe, just maybe Will be even better than the last.
Stop it.
_ Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
Ooh.
Nice.
Great.
Hello, mother/son magazine.
Now, that's a touch of class.
Oh, look who's going to the prom together.
E-I-E-I-whoa.
Aah! Stop it! Get off me! I don't want to be a model anymore! Happy New Year and Happy Christmas!