The Jim Gaffigan Show (2015) s02e09 Episode Script

1 - [laughter.]
- - Oh, my God.
- Who was the first person to eat a potato? Hey, this rock looks delicious.
Let's eat it.
[laughter.]
- Thank you, thank you! - [applause.]
Thank you! That's all from me.
Good night.
[cheers and applause.]
That was Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan.
Five kids? How do you do it? That's a lot of hard work and sacrifice.
- Where's Jeannie? - At home, doing the hard work and sacrifice.
[man beatboxing.]
[man humming and beatboxing.]
Oh, good.
I got here before Mitch.
I still don't understand why he's not staying here.
We live in a two-bedroom apartment with five young children.
I don't even want to stay here.
He's at the Bowery Hotel.
What, are you two on a date? No, just having a little wine and some gentle nuzzling.
When is Mitch getting here? Should be here any minute.
So another Gaffigan in town.
It's just what New York City needs, more people from the Midwest.
Well, we have to come here to see snobs like you in your natural habitat.
Now, you've got a lot of brothers, Jim.
Is this the one that's funnier than you, better-looking than you, or the one that's funnier and better-looking than you? Is Mitch in town for a conference or something? I don't know.
He texted this afternoon that he wants to hang out this weekend.
- That's strange.
- Why is it strange? You two hang out for no apparent reason.
When I'm in Chicago, Mitch and I hang out.
Now he's in New York, so we're gonna hang out.
- [door buzzer rings.]
- It's strange that he's coming to town without Carol and the kids.
He just randomly shows up? I hope everything's okay.
- Would you stop? - [door buzzer rings.]
Wait, you don't think he's getting a divorce, do you? He's a happily married man who's just coming to New York to hang out with the sexy Gaffigan.
I keep meaning to call Carol, but every time I call her, she makes me feel guilty for not calling her more, which makes me not want to call her, which makes me feel guilty for not calling her.
- Do you know what I mean? - Wow.
- You really are a devout Catholic.
- [knock at door.]
That's him.
[clears throat.]
- [chuckles.]
- There he is! The ugly version of me.
- [laughs.]
- Ah! You're not gonna hug me, are you? Ugh.
Oh, Jesus, Jimmy! Five flights of stairs? You think you'd be skinnier by now.
In other parts of the country, they got things called an elevator.
Mitch, how is the banking business? [groans.]
Oh, well, I haven't jumped out a window yet.
- But, you know, they keep 'em locked.
- [chuckles.]
- Mmm! Jeannie, how are you? - Good to see you.
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry you have to be married to him.
He is funnier than you.
Hey, I'm Daniel.
We met at their wedding.
Oh, yeah! Hi! I remember you.
I've never seen a man cry that hard.
- [laughs.]
- I'm Mitch, the sexy Gaffigan.
Mitch, it's so good to see you.
- How is Carol? - She's terrific, hon.
She'd love it if you'd give her a call sometime.
You know, she and the girls are looking at colleges this week.
- Wow.
- Can you believe it? My girls looking at colleges.
Time just flies.
Well, you know, the whole family is welcome here anytime.
I mean, you've got plenty of room, after all.
I mean, we could sleep on the fire escape, I guess.
[both laugh.]
No, I just thought Jim and I would hang solo this time.
[whispers.]
Divorce.
You know, I could spend a few days watching him eat.
Come on! I do more than just eat.
- You do? - I do.
- Anyway, let's go get something to eat.
- Let's go eat.
- Nice to see you.
- You too.
Oh, no.
Oh, there's this amazing falafel place, Mamoun's.
Is the Comedy Cellar around here? Uh, yeah, I already did a spot at Gotham, but I think Dave's going on in a little bit, if - you want to go.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
'Cause I definitely want to see that place.
Okay.
Hey, Dave, that bit about cell phones was hilarious.
- Thanks, Mitch.
- Hey, have you ever heard - Louis C.
K.
's rant about cell phones? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I didn't steal that, man.
See, that-that's that's the problem with Louis.
He's too prolific, you know? He's got bits on everything.
You know, we can never keep up.
He's been making other comics - look like crap for years.
- I'm starving.
Uh, what do you want to eat, Mitch? Remember that place Porchetta I told you about? It's, like, how many ways can you fry a pig? No, no, I know where I want to go, - and I think it's up here.
- Oh.
[man humming and beatboxing.]
Oh, he's not here.
Who is that? Louis C.
K.
This is where he eats pizza.
- Oh! - Are you serious? That's just the opening sequence of his show.
I know! I mean, I know! Uh, I'm a little drunk.
It was a long shot, okay? Hey, what's, ah what's the name of that pierogi place? - Uh, Veselka? - Yeah! Yeah.
I heard Louis talk about that in an interview once.
Uh, can we go there? I want to go there.
Uh yeah, yeah.
Uh, cancel that.
Ahh! How about those pierogi, Mitch, right? - Oh, they're good.
- You know what we gotta do? We gotta go and get ravioli at Supper.
It's right around here.
This neighborhood is crazy for good food.
Hey, when are you gonna move out of that apartment anyway? I mean, I know you're a cheap bastard, but it's ridiculous, man.
I mean, you got no space, you got no yard, up five flights of stairs - every day to two bedrooms! - That's true.
He's right, man.
You're a cheap bastard.
It's five flights of stairs.
You know, I call that place the Petri dish.
Apartments in New York City are pretty expensive.
Blame Daniel.
He's supposedly our real estate agent.
I can't believe you leave your wife alone with that guy.
Mitch, he's gay.
- He's still a man, Jim.
- [Dave chuckles.]
Hey, excuse me.
I-I think I just saw you at the Gotham Comedy Club.
- You were amazing.
- Thanks.
I loved the bacon stuff.
Would you mind if I take a selfie? - Oh, sure.
- Thanks so much.
Thank you so much.
Ooh! Ooh, la-Di-da! Mr.
Big-time Stand-up Comedian.
You know, I'm the one that came up with all that bacon stuff.
- Really? - What? Yeah, when we were kids, I was the one that was obsessed with bacon.
But I turned it into jokes.
What is your ultimate goal with all this stand-up stuff anyway, huh? I mean, besides getting your picture taken with shut-ins? What, are you Dad? Actually, I was thinking of developing a television show based around my life as a comedian in New York City.
You mean like the show "Louie.
" Mitch, I realize you're kind of obsessed with Louis C.
K.
, but comedians have been doing autobiographical shows forever.
"I Love Lucy," "Roseanne," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Seinfeld.
" Ever heard of those? And besides, my show would be way different than Louis' 'cause I'm a different comedian.
Different how? Well, I'm married, and I have kids.
- I have more kids.
- Well, Louis had kids first.
That's true, Jim.
Louis did have kids first.
Would you two stop? I'm not in a competition with Louis C.
K.
, even though I have more kids than him.
But I'm certainly not gonna let other people determine what I do or not do, all right? That's why I didn't go into finance anyway.
Oh, I see how you feel.
You're the brave one because you stuck to your dreams while I just became some boring, old banker, huh? Thanks a lot, Jim.
What are you talking about? I didn't say that at all.
You've got a great life.
You're really successful.
You got a great job.
You're happily married.
Wait, you're you're not getting a divorce, are you? Don't be ridiculous.
No.
I'm quitting my job.
You should get a divorce too.
What? Quitting your job? Did you get another offer? No, I'm just sick of banking.
Are there people that enjoy banking? What are you gonna do? I'm gonna be a stand-up comedian.
[laughs.]
Are are you serious? [cheers and applause.]
Mitch, you are so funny! Okay, Jimmy, time to get up there.
- Your turn.
- No, no, I don't want to.
Yeah, come on, Jimmy, it's your turn.
- Don't be such a (bleep).
- Michael! [kids chanting.]
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! - Jimmy! Jimmy! - Oh, no, no, no.
If Jimmy doesn't want to, he doesn't have to.
Look, I-I know it sounds crazy, but I've spent my whole life feeling like a comedian trapped inside a banker's body.
And then when I saw Dave up there tonight, I just thought, "Yeah! Go for it!" I mean, anybody can do it.
That's true.
I was on fire tonight, huh? - You're serious? - Do you think I'm happy about reaching this conclusion at this point in my life? Everybody has always told me, "You should do stand-up, Mitch.
" Mitch, you should do stand-up, man.
You're funnier than Jim.
No offense, man.
I mean, you know, lots of people are funnier than you.
I had a feeling about this.
Wait, you thought he was getting a divorce.
This is worse! Poor Carol.
Now I definitely can't call her.
Do all Gaffigan men ruin their spouse's lives? Both of you, stop.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
So you're upset with Mitch for becoming a stand-up comedian 'cause he's funnier than you, right? No, I'm worried about him.
This is a drastic move.
He's got kids going to college.
Stand-up comedy's hard.
- I know.
I've seen your act.
- So what are you gonna do, Jim? I don't know.
I'm supposed to meet Mitch for lunch at Katz's, but I don't know what I'm supposed to say.
Well, he's obviously having a mid-life crisis.
You gotta talk him down.
[sighs.]
Yeah, you're right.
[man beatboxing.]
You're gay, right? Wait look at this.
Mitch, look at this.
- Dressed up as a rabbi.
- [both laugh.]
Oh, no, Kate, we can't wait to see you in Maryland.
[chuckling.]
Okay, bye-bye.
Jimmy, are you even hungry? Wh-where is your friend Robbie? Did you two have an argument? No, Robbie's playing with Mitch.
Oh, honey.
Mitch! [both laugh.]
- Yeah.
- Man, you gotta get it, Mitch.
- Gotta get on the Snapchat.
- No.
Oh hey, man.
[clears throat.]
Hey, don't let this guy, ah, stick you with the bill, all right? - I won't.
I'll see you, Dave.
- All right.
Okay, all right, buddy.
- Ahh.
- Hey.
Ah, you look different.
Oh, yeah, Dave took me shopping.
Yeah.
Look, Jim, I know you think I'm making a mistake.
But I didn't judge you when I paid for your flight home every Thanksgiving in the '90s.
But I didn't even want to go home for Thanksgiving.
I-I always felt like I was being interrogated by a bunch of drunks.
[laughs.]
Well, that's our people, Jim.
Eh, to be honest with you I-I I'm concerned.
I, uh you quitting your job? That's radical.
Er I wouldn't even know how a new comic would get started in Chicago.
Chicago? No, I'm moving to New York.
I mean, Dave said that this is really, like, the only place to develop new material.
Oh, by the way, isn't Russ & Daughters just, like, right down the street? 'Cause Louis C.
K.
shot that amazing scene - with Parker Posey there - Mitch! I I didn't make any money doing stand-up for the first seven years.
Well, you weren't that funny, though.
That's not the point.
It-it's not just about talent.
It's about hard work and luck and wh what does Carol think about this? She'll support me.
I mean, I helped her out when she started her jewelry business.
That was $500 worth of beads.
Jimmy, I just think you're upset 'cause you don't like the idea of there being two Gaffigans in the stand-up world.
- That-that's not the issue! M - I Mitch, you need material.
I have plenty of material.
- You do? - Yes, I do.
All right, Th-then I'll get you a spot.
- A spot onstage? - Yeah, I'll get you a spot.
Since you have the material, I'll get you a spot, and you can do a set tonight.
Oh, thank you.
That's great.
Man, look at this pastrami.
When I move here, I think I might be coming in here a lot.
They'll have to rename this sandwich "The Mitch.
" - [man beatboxing.]
- Mmm! - [applause.]
- Hey, one more hand for Marina Franklin.
Seems cruel just throwing him up there like that, - setting him up for failure.
- I don't want him to fail.
I just want him to see what it's like.
Just see that it's not all easy.
Okay, this next guy is from Chicago.
That's pretty much all I know about him.
Let's have a warm welcome for Mitch G.
- Mitch G? - I got I don't know.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
You people are required to clap, aren't ya? [patron coughs in the silence.]
He's gonna die a horrible death.
- I warned him.
- Oh.
Uh, well, I just got into town yesterday, which is just long enough for me to forget how truly white bread that I am.
I was on the subway.
I saw this family from Iowa, and I thought, "Man, check those people out.
" And then I remembered, "Wait! That's what I look like!" [laughter.]
[laughs.]
That is funny.
And bacon, huh? How about bacon? Let's hear it for bacon! - Everybody loves bacon! - [cheers and applause.]
- Yeah.
- I mean, even the sound of bacon.
When it's frying, it sounds like applause.
- [imitates bacon sizzling.]
- [laughter.]
[high-pitched voice.]
Yay! Bacon! [laughter.]
And bacon bits, they're like the fairy dust of the food community.
You know, if you don't like the salad, just sprinkle some on.
Bippity-boppity-bacon! - You got an entree! - [laughter.]
That's funny, man.
I almost feel like I've heard that one before.
You have.
This is my material.
Man, you guys are great! I love New York! - Mmm! - Hey.
- Uh-huh? - Hey.
- Ahh! - Great set.
- Oh, thank you.
- Uh, mind if I get a quick selfie? - Uh, no, go ahead, sure.
- Okay.
[camera clicks.]
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
- Get her number.
Get her number.
- Oh, come on.
Hey, man, that was a great set.
Oh, man, that felt good.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, what's with the "Mitch G," though? - What's going on there? - Oh, just I figured, while I was up there, I didn't want people - thinking of Jimmy, you know? - That's good thinking.
You know, - you should do the same thing.
- Mitch, you were great, but y-you know a lot of those jokes were mine.
Well, all of them were mine.
Well, I-I guess there might have been some overlap.
Overlap? I did all those bacon jokes on my "King Baby" special.
Yeah, I never saw that one.
Mitch, you recited the material word for word.
Jimmy, I think we have established that I was the one with the bacon obsession.
I mean, you don't own bacon.
People have been doing bacon jokes forever.
I'm sure Louis C.
K.
has a bacon bit.
I'm sure he's got bacon bits.
"Bacon bits.
" Nothing? - Nothing.
- No, all right.
Have you ever heard Louis' chunk on air travel? Oh! [laughs.]
You just say it and I'm laughing - Now, that is a stand-up comedian.
- That man is a stand-up, right? - He is amazing.
Yeah.
- He's like Mensa genius.
All right.
No, you are, you're right.
You're absolutely right.
[mouths silently.]
Yes, I know, it's awful.
And I I don't even know what I would do in your position, honestly.
I know, and I don't know I don't know what to say.
Yeah, I hear you.
You know what, Carol? Actually, Jim just walked in the door, so I'm gonna yes, I will.
I absolutely will.
Okay, thank you.
All right, bye.
No wonder alcoholism is so prevalent in your family.
You told her about Mitch? What'd she say? I didn't even tell her about Mitch.
That was 20 minutes of her guilt-tripping me - about not calling her in general.
- [Jim sighs.]
How was Mitch's comedy debut? He killed.
- Can I? - He what? - Yeah.
- Wait, how? With my material.
By the way, he's planning to move to New York.
I knew they were getting a divorce.
There's no divorce.
A divorce would be way less complicated.
You know, maybe Mitch should talk to Father Nicholas.
What? No.
Why? Mitch is a much better Catholic than you are, Jim.
What does that have to do with anything? He might actually listen to Father Nicholas, and Father Nicholas could show Mitch that he's being crazy.
All right, I'll try anything at this point.
[both laugh.]
- Are you serious? - Yes, I'm serious.
He always did that.
[both laugh.]
Well, it's all true.
Hey, there he is! Uh Jim, your brother is a very funny man.
Yeah, so he's been told.
Mitch, I thought we'd, ah, go to Parm.
- It's right down the block.
- Oh, Jimmy, I'm sorry, no.
I'm having lunch with Birbiglia.
So I'll find my own way, okay? - Oh.
- Thanks again, Father Nick.
- You're welcome.
- It was great.
You got a great priest here, Jimmy.
Take care.
What'd you guys talk about? Aww, Jim, you know I can't violate the sanctity of the confessional.
Yeah, I know there's the rules, but I need to know what you guys were talking about.
[chuckles.]
No.
[sighs.]
I know Mitch wants to be a stand-up comedian, but I can't let him do that to himself or his family.
I mean, who wakes up and makes such a drastic decision? Well, sometimes you just have to be supportive of the people you love even if you don't agree with them.
I can't support him on this.
You have to help me with him.
He's never listened to me.
Surely you can remember a time that your brother supported you.
What the hell, Jimmy? Now, look, Mitch, I can explain, okay? This is insanity.
Who wakes up and makes such a drastic decision, Jimmy? - Me.
- Don't be a quitter! You can't let down the team in the middle of football season! I'm the captain! How do you think this is gonna make me look? I was thinking about doing the school play.
- You're gay? - No! - It's okay if you're gay.
- I'm not gay, Mitch.
I just don't like playing football.
Oh, my God.
So you're a quitter! No, there was never a time he supported me.
Well, that's when you were boys.
Now you are a man, and the right thing for you to do is to be supportive of him in his time of need.
Remember the story of Cain and Abel? You want me to kill him? Just go support your brother.
But before you go, would you like me to hear your confession? Er, it-it might take some time.
Am I allowed to eat in there? - ["Louie" -style theme music.]
- Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitchy Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitch-ahh Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitchy Mitchy, Mitchy, you're gonna cry - Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitchy - Mitch! Hey.
- Oh, hey, Jimmy.
- I've thought about it, and I'm gonna support you moving to New York and becoming a stand-up comedian, even though you didn't support me in high school.
- What are you talking about? - When I quit the football team.
Oh, I did support you.
- Don't be a quitter! - Look at me, Mitch! I'm not happy.
I'm losing weight.
I hate playing football.
Fine.
I get it.
It's not for you.
- You're not mad? - No.
You have to do what makes you happy.
- Oh, thanks so much - Whoa.
You're not gonna hug me, are you? Nah, nah.
I'm, nah, I'm - And it's okay if you're gay.
- I'm not gay.
Oh, my God.
That's right! You did support me.
Anyway you being a comedian is a great idea.
You know, and maybe you can open for me, right? A-and there are plenty of brothers that are comedians.
Dennis and Brian Regan that works, right? And the the Lucas brothers and the Sklar brothers.
Any my point is, I'm all in.
Yeah, I don't really want to be a stand-up comedian anymore.
What? [laughs.]
That's I mean, I don't want to live in some crummy, tiny apartment, haul my ass up and down five flights of stairs, for the love of God.
- What? - Put on more weight, lose my hair, - beg for the approval of strangers.
- Wh-wh-whoa, Mitch - I don't know how you do that.
- Mitch Y you-you said you were dying to be a stand-up comedian.
Well, yeah, I was going through a phase, you know? Like that phase you went through in high school where you thought you were gay.
I never thought I was gay.
Think about it, Jim.
The late nights, the crap pay.
And comedians, they are weird.
Like that guy Dave that you hang out with? I don't know how you stand him.
And New York sucks.
It's crowded.
It's filthy.
The pizza's terrible.
Carol called you, didn't she? Yeah, she told me to come home.
Yeah, it's probably for the best.
Yeah, besides, I mean, I'll never be as good as Louis C.
K.
anyway.
Mitchy, Mitchy, you're gonna cry - Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitchy