The Job s02e09 Episode Script
Boss
[ Music .]
Hey, Johnnie, how goes it? Hey, frank, what're you doing here? I was in the neighborhood.
How ya been? My wife left me.
You lucky bastard.
You're living my dream.
Yeah.
Hey, do me a favor, will ya? I gotta take a leak.
You wanna hold down the fort? Sure.
This guy, he's gotta be the most boring crime boss in the history of new York.
[ Laughter .]
Nah, I ain't heard from him.
I'Il tell you about it.
I'm telling you, man, It's Doogie's Dream, Second race, Thursday at Belmont.
You positive? Positive, man.
Forget about it.
This is a--hey, I'm telling ya.
Bet the bar.
All right, it's on you.
Okay, man, I'm in.
I'm in.
Hey, frank, how 'ya doing? Hi, Larry.
Hey, where's Johnnie? He went to the can.
Really.
We usually just piss in a cup.
This cup? Well, not usually.
Did I miss anything? Nah, nah.
This guy's talking to some guy who owns a race horse or something.
Was he giving him a tip? I wish, yeah.
Oh, listen, I gotta be running.
You guys have fun.
Oh, yeah.
It's a real thrill a minute around here.
Take care.
Good seeing ya.
Yeah, baby, we got a winner.
[ Phone ringing .]
Hi, it's Toni.
Leave a message, or not, whatever.
[ Beep tone .]
Hey, big Dave here.
Listen, I realize you're working uptown today, but I was hoping maybe we could get together for lunch.
And, by the way, I was thinking about your booty, mm, mm, mm.
[ Beep tone .]
Somebody call? Oh, yeah, somebody called.
Who? Big Dave.
Oh, that's Dave, my boss.
He's funny.
Yeah, yeah.
He--He mentioned your ass.
See.
Yeah, it's a real laugh riot.
What? You don't think your boss calling and mentioning your ass on the phone machine is a red flag? Oh, he talks about everybody's ass.
It's his thing.
Honey, talking about people's asses at work is not a thing, okay.
It's actually sexual harassment, okay.
You're being ridiculous.
Oh, so what? He's calling all the female employees at work and leaving messages on each of their machines talking about each of their individual asses.
All of a sudden, this guy's like what? He's like the ass king? As a matter of fact, he is the ass king.
Oh, really, really.
What--what--what does that mean? It's a joke, Michael.
He's a joker.
He likes to joke about everybody's booty.
Booty this.
Booty that.
Did you sleep with this guy? I am not even gonna dignify that with an answer.
So you did.
You did.
You did, didn't ya? I'm not attracted to short, fat, bald guys.
He's short, fat, and bald? Yes.
I'm not buying this, baby.
You know, we really oughta get married if you're gonna start playing the jealous husband role.
He better be an overweight midget with a hairpiece, otherwise he's dead, okay? Ass king.
[ Music .]
This is modern day America five horse in the second race at Belmont today, doogie's dream, 4 to 1 in the morning line.
That's the horse.
Oh, you gotta hot tip, huh? A lock, Mikey, a mortal lock.
Yeah, like your last mortal lock, which was what, two, three months ago? Good news, frank, the horse just came in.
I gotta bad ride, but I know this one's good.
How? I overheard a conversation.
The owner of the horse says it's been training like a rocket.
They worked him out early the other morning.
One, ten, and three for six furlongs.
And that's good? Good? That's fantastic.
And the best part of it is, the clockers weren't there to see it, so it's not in here.
I'm telling ya, we got a winner.
Who's in? I'll give ya 50.
I'm in for 200.
Yeah, daddy.
With the understanding that if we lose, my kids get to ride you for six furlongs.
Hey, I'll saddle up.
Yeah, I'll bet ya like it.
Pip? Put me down for five.
Pip-pip's the man all the way in for 500.
Five hundred? Are you crazy? I'm talking $5.
Dare to dream, partner.
Dare to dream.
Tommy? No.
Tommy.
No.
C'mon, tom.
No.
It's a sure thing.
No, frank, I told ya.
I'm not interested.
Tommy, I don't want your money.
Then what do you want? The way I see it, this is the chance of a lifetime.
You just don't have enough cash to take advantage of it.
I wanna make a major bet here.
I'm talking five large.
Five grand? Are you nuts? Where you gonna get 5,000? Downstairs.
You got that friend in the evidence room, right? Now I know you're nuts.
You get caught taking money outta the evidence room they're gonna bust you down to meter maid.
And believe me, nobody wants to see ya in that skirt.
This is a short-term loan.
The horse wins.
I give all the money right back.
I just need you to talk to your friend.
No.
No, way.
C'mon, tommy.
I'm not doing it for me.
This is for the church.
What? Really, I mean it.
Last Sunday the monsignor made a big speech about how the church needs a new roof.
I could pay for it all by myself.
C'mon, tommy, I'm doing god's work here.
I don't know, frank.
All the money goes to the church.
Every penny.
What? I don't get a cut? Thomas.
I've lived next door to him for 30 years.
He's the sweetest man in the world.
If I can be of any help-- well, thank you very much Mr.
-- --Thurston.
I'm--I'm right next door.
Okay, excellent, thank you.
Check out this view.
I know.
This place is totally amazing.
I love these high ceilings.
What do you think it goes for? Oh, way less than it's worth.
This place is a steal.
How do you know? Didn't you hear the neighbor? That guy's lived here 30 years.
It's rent controlled.
I mean, when somebody kicks, they can knock it up a little bit, but there's a limit to it.
We found his other ear in the back bedroom.
Oh, great.
Thanks.
Did you see the back bedroom? Huge.
I only saw the one in the front.
Two.
Man, I could get to work so fast from here.
Look at all this space.
This would be great for my kid.
Well, you'd have to redo the floors.
Oh, yeah.
I mean these carpets-- you might be able to get that blood out, but still, they really gotta go.
How dare you.
The man's body not even cold and the two of you are eyeing his home like, like a couple of vultures.
It's disgusting.
We really shouldn't have, sir.
I--I-- yeah, we're really sorry.
Well, I should hope so.
I'd repaint.
Oh, you'd have to.
C'mon, man, give it up.
What? You had a fight with your girlfriend, right? No.
C'mon, man, I can read you like a blind man reads braille.
You fight with your wife.
You go into a 15-minute monologue.
You fight with your girlfriend.
You go mute.
See? You suck.
C'mon, man, what's up? I don't know, man.
I think--I think she might have a guy on the side.
Well, you have a wife on the side.
No, no, no, no, no.
I have a wife.
I don't have a wife on the side.
I have a wife.
With a girlfriend on the side, so why shouldn't your girlfriend on the side have a guy on the side? Because that's not how it works, okay? If she has a guy on the side, that means she'd be lying to me and we don't lie to each other.
Oh, you don't lie.
No.
Toni knew about my wife right from the very start.
Well, if you don't lie, how come your wife doesn't know about your girlfriend? I didn't say anything about not lying to my wife, okay.
Me and Toni it's, you know, it's a different story.
Oh, I see.
So it's okay to lie to your wife, just not your girlfriend.
Right.
Hey, look.
If I can't trust the woman I'm cheating with, then who can I trust? I don't know, man, Satan? [ Music .]
I don't know, fellas, it's risky.
This horse can't lose.
Yeah, I heard that.
C'mon, it's for a good cause, Ozzy.
All the money's going to his church.
All of it? Well, all of his cut.
My cut's either the church or booze and broads.
I'm torn.
My cut, 90 percent right to the church.
Ninety percent? I think I deserve a handling fee.
After all, I'm assuming the risk.
What risk? Oh, there's no risk.
This is a lock.
C'mon, help us out here, oz.
Yeah, I can't, guys.
I'm sorry.
You know I let you outta here with department property and something goes wrong, it's my ass they hang from the flagpole.
Nah, no can do.
Unless, I get five percent.
Done.
Ten-grand, okay? We can work with that.
Look, I have come to you with a very generous offer and--okay, okay, I--I'll just have to think about that and then I'll call you back.
Fine.
What's up? Unbelievable.
You know that apartment we saw this morning? I called the landlord and some guy has already called him up and made an offer with the finder's fee.
People make me sick.
I mean, the guy's not dead half a day and already some jerk has called him up to get the apartment faster than I can.
It's me.
What? It's me.
I'm the jerk.
You? You're trying to take my apartment? It's your apartment? Did you not hear me say that I needed the extra space for my son? Yeah, but I said that I could get to work faster if I lived there.
You didn't hear that? No, and I'll tell you what I did hear.
You said and I'm quoting you, "you'd have to redo the floors.
" You didn't say, "I'd have to redo the floors," meaning you.
You said "you" meaning "me.
" I meant you, like the universal you.
You, you, like everybody.
Oh, well, that's not how I interpreted it.
Well, I'm sorry.
So what do we do now? Well, I have seen friendships destroyed over new York real estate, Ruben.
One of us is gonna have to back down.
I agree.
[ Music .]
We don't have time for this.
We have serious police work to do.
This is serious, pip.
Oh, yeah.
Hunting down a guy 'cause he likes your girl's ass? Okay, columbo.
Yeah.
Hi, it's me.
You coming home tonight? It looks like it.
Why, what's up? Well, Davie's got a sleepover.
The girls are going to Judy's.
I picked up a couple of steaks.
Thought, you know, maybe you could pick up some wine and we could make a night of it.
What's the occasion? I wanna have a nice night with my husband.
I hear some people do that.
All right.
I'll see ya around 7:00.
Great.
Bye.
Hey, man, this is ridiculous.
Let's get outta here.
Look, I just wanna see the guy, okay? She said he was short, bald, and fat.
If he is, no problem.
If he's not, well-- I'll be laughing my ass off.
Nice.
Maybe that's the guy.
Excuse me, Dave? No, I'm jerry.
That's Dave.
[ Laughter .]
[ Music .]
I am telling you, this is the Cadillac-- excuse me, Dave? Yeah, I'm Dave.
Listen, just let me finish up here and you are next, okay? Official police business, pal.
Oh, my god.
This is about the camaro, right? Yes.
Sir, I could explain that.
Let's do it in private.
I swear to you.
I--I don't do this all the time.
It's just that I love camaros-- you son of a bitch.
Hey, what are you doing? Mike, you crazy? I mean if you don't like it, I can paint it back.
I just thought that yellow was too jerseyesque.
I mean I happen to like purple.
Did you sleep with my girlfriend? What're you talking about? Toni.
Hey, man, listen to me.
She told me she was single.
Man, look, it's not his fault.
Plus, technically, she is single.
All right.
But next time you think of her ass, you better think of your ass 'cause that's where your balls are gonna be when I get through.
This mean I get to keep the camaro? [ Music .]
[Horse race bugler's call.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the horses are on the track-- oh, what a beauty.
Great legs, nice cans.
Cans? A horse has cans? No, the blonde in the tube top.
Frank, what does our horse look like? Oh, right, right, right.
Oh, like she's ready to print us money.
Daddy needs you five-- run today, baby, all the way.
Let's go.
Six, c'mon, six, gate to wire.
Shut up.
Get outta here.
This is great.
I can't wait to see the Monsignor's face when I hand him the church's percentage of my winnings.
Ninety percent, right? Ninety, 75, in that neighborhood.
C'mon, five, daddy needs you today.
She lied to me, man.
She betrayed me.
Hold on.
Let me get my violin first.
This hurts, okay.
What--what would you do in my situation? I'd forget about her and go back home to my wife.
What else you got? What? Unbelievable.
[ Music .]
Little jerk.
What? What did you say? You heard me.
You got something to say, say it.
I said you're a little jerk.
I suppose you think this is easy for me raising a child on my own.
I suppose you think this is a walk in the park.
Here we go talking about the kid again.
Excuse me? You wanted to have a kid.
Nobody forced you, duck voice.
Just 'cause you got a little taquito and no one wants to give it up to you, don't judge me? Oh, that's really nice talk from a mother.
You wanna see how much of a mother I am? You just keep talking.
Ooh, I'm scared.
Oh, you got a good thing going here, Ruben, don't you? Nice, sweet, shy, Ruben, little sweater-Vest-wearing Ruben.
There are just a couple of things that I can say about you too.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
But you know what? I am not gonna sink to your level 'cause I'm getting that apartment.
I don't think so, shortcake.
That apartment is mine.
You hear me? (Duck voice--impersonation) That apartment is mine.
You hear me? Shut up.
[ Music .]
C'mon, five.
C'mon, baby.
Where is he? He's in the lead.
Yeah? C'mon, five.
Six.
Way to go.
C'mon, six.
Let's go, six.
Shut up.
C'mon six.
Five.
Six.
C'mon, six.
I'll give you six.
He's gonna do it.
He's gonna do it, frank.
He's gonna do it.
C'mon, you sexy beast, go.
Go, baby, go.
Go, go-- horse went off at 2:1.
We got back 30,000.
Here's your cut, 1500.
Sweet.
And here's the wad we borrowed from 'ya back safe and sound.
I gotta say, frank, I asked around and people were pretty much in agreement that when it came to betting the ponies, you were a huge loser.
I was worried but now, thank you.
Nice doing business with ya.
Oh, you can come back any time.
Take care, oz.
Well, that's the terrible beauty of gambling.
Walking that razors edge at your risk.
Mm-Hmm.
Long shot pays off big, or a short thing wigs out and jumps the rail.
So I'm outta five-dollars.
That's what I'm hearing.
Terrible beauty, partner.
Oh, man, this sucks.
What am I supposed to tell my wife when she wants to know where that five-dollars went? Take it easy, pip.
How she gonna know it's gone? Sometimes at the end of the day she checks my-- --never mind.
[ Music .]
Can I talk to you two for a second in here? Tough day at the track? Oh, nightmare.
Really, 'cause I just saw Ozzy from downstairs flashing a wad of cash and talking about your big score.
Ozzy? Do we know any Ozzy? Ozzy? Not in the mood.
Start talking.
Okay, we'll tell ya.
Before we went to the track, we decided to stop by the evidence room and pick up a little extra capital, 10,000 worth.
Oh, my god.
Yeah, but we only did it because there was absolutely no way we could lose.
Except you did.
Which I still can't believe.
That horse was nine lengths ahead in the stretch.
Yeah, then it decided to freak out and jump the inside rail.
I think it was hopped up on something, maybe some kind of horse crack.
Yeah.
You are the two stupidest men on this planet.
Not entirely true.
We stopped by the bank on the way back and took out $1500.
That's what we paid Ozzy with.
That's the money you saw him flashing.
That was his cut.
What about the 10-grand? What did he say when you didn't return that? Ah, but we did.
You see, we still had roughly $300 left from everyone in the squad, so what I did was I changed it into two $100 bills and 98 singles.
We put 100 on top, 100 on the bottom, and the singles in the middle.
Viola, 10-grand.
I'm not hearing this.
We put back a little each week, a 100 here, a 100 there.
We'll have it paid off in no time.
Thirteen months tops, year and a half at the outside.
I was never here.
We never talked about this.
So we're good, right? [ Music .]
Hi, I was lookin' for ya.
Okay.
So, listen, I don't wanna wreck our friendship over that apartment.
If it had a fireplace, maybe.
You didn't see the fireplace? I'm kidding.
I'm sorry for what I said about your kid and just-- just everything.
Oh, thank you, and I'm sorry about those height remarks.
I--I guess the best thing is for both of us to just back off and let somebody else have the apartment.
No, no, no, I got a plan.
You go for it and I'll take your place, which still puts me closer to work.
Oh, you're a genius.
Oh-- Thank you so much.
I am calling that landlord first thing in the morning.
[ Music .]
You wanna do this for another half-hour or you just wanna start screaming and get it over with? I'm not screaming.
Did you hear me scream? No, but I wish you would.
Just say it, mike, say it.
You think I'm evil.
You think I'm selfish.
You think I did it just to get back at you.
Say it.
Say it.
Okay, I think, maybe, the part about gettin' even is probably true.
Look, all I have is you.
You have a whole other person to love and do things with and talk to and sleep with, and then you have me.
You have two people to share your life with, mike.
I have one, you.
So, I said to myself I would just make things even.
So-- now we're even? I guess.
Honey, remember, I promised Karen I would-- oh, my god.
Honey, don't get mad.
I'm not mad.
Get out.
Out.
You sound pretty mad.
Out.
Honey-- [Phone ringing.]
Yeah.
I hope you didn't get the wine.
What's wrong? Davie's coughing like crazy.
I gotta take him to the doctor.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, Mike.
I made you a promise and everything.
No, it's okay.
It's okay.
I--I gotta go back to work anyway so--but just give him a big hug and a kiss for me.
I will honey.
All right? Yeah.
Bye.
Bye.
Forget about it.
["Sexual healing".]
Well, I'm sorry, but I just don't think this is fair.
We were the first ones to call about the apartment.
What do you mean? Who called you first? Well, that's just fine.
I just want you to know that I think it is terrible to let people take advantage of someone else's tragedy like that.
Who got it? The neighbor, Thurston.
The one who called us vultures? Yeah-- he's knocking down a wall and making one huge apartment.
What a hypocrite.
Yeah.
Hey, maybe he did it.
Maybe he's the one who murdered the guy.
For an apartment? For that apartment.
Maybe we should go pay our friend, Mr.
Thurston, a visit.
No, no, no, that's crazy.
Forget about it.
Ruben, if he did it and he's arrested and he's convicted, that apartment opens up too.
Let's move.
[ Music .]
Captioning performed by the transcription company Burbank, ca Www.
Transcripts.
Net
Hey, Johnnie, how goes it? Hey, frank, what're you doing here? I was in the neighborhood.
How ya been? My wife left me.
You lucky bastard.
You're living my dream.
Yeah.
Hey, do me a favor, will ya? I gotta take a leak.
You wanna hold down the fort? Sure.
This guy, he's gotta be the most boring crime boss in the history of new York.
[ Laughter .]
Nah, I ain't heard from him.
I'Il tell you about it.
I'm telling you, man, It's Doogie's Dream, Second race, Thursday at Belmont.
You positive? Positive, man.
Forget about it.
This is a--hey, I'm telling ya.
Bet the bar.
All right, it's on you.
Okay, man, I'm in.
I'm in.
Hey, frank, how 'ya doing? Hi, Larry.
Hey, where's Johnnie? He went to the can.
Really.
We usually just piss in a cup.
This cup? Well, not usually.
Did I miss anything? Nah, nah.
This guy's talking to some guy who owns a race horse or something.
Was he giving him a tip? I wish, yeah.
Oh, listen, I gotta be running.
You guys have fun.
Oh, yeah.
It's a real thrill a minute around here.
Take care.
Good seeing ya.
Yeah, baby, we got a winner.
[ Phone ringing .]
Hi, it's Toni.
Leave a message, or not, whatever.
[ Beep tone .]
Hey, big Dave here.
Listen, I realize you're working uptown today, but I was hoping maybe we could get together for lunch.
And, by the way, I was thinking about your booty, mm, mm, mm.
[ Beep tone .]
Somebody call? Oh, yeah, somebody called.
Who? Big Dave.
Oh, that's Dave, my boss.
He's funny.
Yeah, yeah.
He--He mentioned your ass.
See.
Yeah, it's a real laugh riot.
What? You don't think your boss calling and mentioning your ass on the phone machine is a red flag? Oh, he talks about everybody's ass.
It's his thing.
Honey, talking about people's asses at work is not a thing, okay.
It's actually sexual harassment, okay.
You're being ridiculous.
Oh, so what? He's calling all the female employees at work and leaving messages on each of their machines talking about each of their individual asses.
All of a sudden, this guy's like what? He's like the ass king? As a matter of fact, he is the ass king.
Oh, really, really.
What--what--what does that mean? It's a joke, Michael.
He's a joker.
He likes to joke about everybody's booty.
Booty this.
Booty that.
Did you sleep with this guy? I am not even gonna dignify that with an answer.
So you did.
You did.
You did, didn't ya? I'm not attracted to short, fat, bald guys.
He's short, fat, and bald? Yes.
I'm not buying this, baby.
You know, we really oughta get married if you're gonna start playing the jealous husband role.
He better be an overweight midget with a hairpiece, otherwise he's dead, okay? Ass king.
[ Music .]
This is modern day America five horse in the second race at Belmont today, doogie's dream, 4 to 1 in the morning line.
That's the horse.
Oh, you gotta hot tip, huh? A lock, Mikey, a mortal lock.
Yeah, like your last mortal lock, which was what, two, three months ago? Good news, frank, the horse just came in.
I gotta bad ride, but I know this one's good.
How? I overheard a conversation.
The owner of the horse says it's been training like a rocket.
They worked him out early the other morning.
One, ten, and three for six furlongs.
And that's good? Good? That's fantastic.
And the best part of it is, the clockers weren't there to see it, so it's not in here.
I'm telling ya, we got a winner.
Who's in? I'll give ya 50.
I'm in for 200.
Yeah, daddy.
With the understanding that if we lose, my kids get to ride you for six furlongs.
Hey, I'll saddle up.
Yeah, I'll bet ya like it.
Pip? Put me down for five.
Pip-pip's the man all the way in for 500.
Five hundred? Are you crazy? I'm talking $5.
Dare to dream, partner.
Dare to dream.
Tommy? No.
Tommy.
No.
C'mon, tom.
No.
It's a sure thing.
No, frank, I told ya.
I'm not interested.
Tommy, I don't want your money.
Then what do you want? The way I see it, this is the chance of a lifetime.
You just don't have enough cash to take advantage of it.
I wanna make a major bet here.
I'm talking five large.
Five grand? Are you nuts? Where you gonna get 5,000? Downstairs.
You got that friend in the evidence room, right? Now I know you're nuts.
You get caught taking money outta the evidence room they're gonna bust you down to meter maid.
And believe me, nobody wants to see ya in that skirt.
This is a short-term loan.
The horse wins.
I give all the money right back.
I just need you to talk to your friend.
No.
No, way.
C'mon, tommy.
I'm not doing it for me.
This is for the church.
What? Really, I mean it.
Last Sunday the monsignor made a big speech about how the church needs a new roof.
I could pay for it all by myself.
C'mon, tommy, I'm doing god's work here.
I don't know, frank.
All the money goes to the church.
Every penny.
What? I don't get a cut? Thomas.
I've lived next door to him for 30 years.
He's the sweetest man in the world.
If I can be of any help-- well, thank you very much Mr.
-- --Thurston.
I'm--I'm right next door.
Okay, excellent, thank you.
Check out this view.
I know.
This place is totally amazing.
I love these high ceilings.
What do you think it goes for? Oh, way less than it's worth.
This place is a steal.
How do you know? Didn't you hear the neighbor? That guy's lived here 30 years.
It's rent controlled.
I mean, when somebody kicks, they can knock it up a little bit, but there's a limit to it.
We found his other ear in the back bedroom.
Oh, great.
Thanks.
Did you see the back bedroom? Huge.
I only saw the one in the front.
Two.
Man, I could get to work so fast from here.
Look at all this space.
This would be great for my kid.
Well, you'd have to redo the floors.
Oh, yeah.
I mean these carpets-- you might be able to get that blood out, but still, they really gotta go.
How dare you.
The man's body not even cold and the two of you are eyeing his home like, like a couple of vultures.
It's disgusting.
We really shouldn't have, sir.
I--I-- yeah, we're really sorry.
Well, I should hope so.
I'd repaint.
Oh, you'd have to.
C'mon, man, give it up.
What? You had a fight with your girlfriend, right? No.
C'mon, man, I can read you like a blind man reads braille.
You fight with your wife.
You go into a 15-minute monologue.
You fight with your girlfriend.
You go mute.
See? You suck.
C'mon, man, what's up? I don't know, man.
I think--I think she might have a guy on the side.
Well, you have a wife on the side.
No, no, no, no, no.
I have a wife.
I don't have a wife on the side.
I have a wife.
With a girlfriend on the side, so why shouldn't your girlfriend on the side have a guy on the side? Because that's not how it works, okay? If she has a guy on the side, that means she'd be lying to me and we don't lie to each other.
Oh, you don't lie.
No.
Toni knew about my wife right from the very start.
Well, if you don't lie, how come your wife doesn't know about your girlfriend? I didn't say anything about not lying to my wife, okay.
Me and Toni it's, you know, it's a different story.
Oh, I see.
So it's okay to lie to your wife, just not your girlfriend.
Right.
Hey, look.
If I can't trust the woman I'm cheating with, then who can I trust? I don't know, man, Satan? [ Music .]
I don't know, fellas, it's risky.
This horse can't lose.
Yeah, I heard that.
C'mon, it's for a good cause, Ozzy.
All the money's going to his church.
All of it? Well, all of his cut.
My cut's either the church or booze and broads.
I'm torn.
My cut, 90 percent right to the church.
Ninety percent? I think I deserve a handling fee.
After all, I'm assuming the risk.
What risk? Oh, there's no risk.
This is a lock.
C'mon, help us out here, oz.
Yeah, I can't, guys.
I'm sorry.
You know I let you outta here with department property and something goes wrong, it's my ass they hang from the flagpole.
Nah, no can do.
Unless, I get five percent.
Done.
Ten-grand, okay? We can work with that.
Look, I have come to you with a very generous offer and--okay, okay, I--I'll just have to think about that and then I'll call you back.
Fine.
What's up? Unbelievable.
You know that apartment we saw this morning? I called the landlord and some guy has already called him up and made an offer with the finder's fee.
People make me sick.
I mean, the guy's not dead half a day and already some jerk has called him up to get the apartment faster than I can.
It's me.
What? It's me.
I'm the jerk.
You? You're trying to take my apartment? It's your apartment? Did you not hear me say that I needed the extra space for my son? Yeah, but I said that I could get to work faster if I lived there.
You didn't hear that? No, and I'll tell you what I did hear.
You said and I'm quoting you, "you'd have to redo the floors.
" You didn't say, "I'd have to redo the floors," meaning you.
You said "you" meaning "me.
" I meant you, like the universal you.
You, you, like everybody.
Oh, well, that's not how I interpreted it.
Well, I'm sorry.
So what do we do now? Well, I have seen friendships destroyed over new York real estate, Ruben.
One of us is gonna have to back down.
I agree.
[ Music .]
We don't have time for this.
We have serious police work to do.
This is serious, pip.
Oh, yeah.
Hunting down a guy 'cause he likes your girl's ass? Okay, columbo.
Yeah.
Hi, it's me.
You coming home tonight? It looks like it.
Why, what's up? Well, Davie's got a sleepover.
The girls are going to Judy's.
I picked up a couple of steaks.
Thought, you know, maybe you could pick up some wine and we could make a night of it.
What's the occasion? I wanna have a nice night with my husband.
I hear some people do that.
All right.
I'll see ya around 7:00.
Great.
Bye.
Hey, man, this is ridiculous.
Let's get outta here.
Look, I just wanna see the guy, okay? She said he was short, bald, and fat.
If he is, no problem.
If he's not, well-- I'll be laughing my ass off.
Nice.
Maybe that's the guy.
Excuse me, Dave? No, I'm jerry.
That's Dave.
[ Laughter .]
[ Music .]
I am telling you, this is the Cadillac-- excuse me, Dave? Yeah, I'm Dave.
Listen, just let me finish up here and you are next, okay? Official police business, pal.
Oh, my god.
This is about the camaro, right? Yes.
Sir, I could explain that.
Let's do it in private.
I swear to you.
I--I don't do this all the time.
It's just that I love camaros-- you son of a bitch.
Hey, what are you doing? Mike, you crazy? I mean if you don't like it, I can paint it back.
I just thought that yellow was too jerseyesque.
I mean I happen to like purple.
Did you sleep with my girlfriend? What're you talking about? Toni.
Hey, man, listen to me.
She told me she was single.
Man, look, it's not his fault.
Plus, technically, she is single.
All right.
But next time you think of her ass, you better think of your ass 'cause that's where your balls are gonna be when I get through.
This mean I get to keep the camaro? [ Music .]
[Horse race bugler's call.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the horses are on the track-- oh, what a beauty.
Great legs, nice cans.
Cans? A horse has cans? No, the blonde in the tube top.
Frank, what does our horse look like? Oh, right, right, right.
Oh, like she's ready to print us money.
Daddy needs you five-- run today, baby, all the way.
Let's go.
Six, c'mon, six, gate to wire.
Shut up.
Get outta here.
This is great.
I can't wait to see the Monsignor's face when I hand him the church's percentage of my winnings.
Ninety percent, right? Ninety, 75, in that neighborhood.
C'mon, five, daddy needs you today.
She lied to me, man.
She betrayed me.
Hold on.
Let me get my violin first.
This hurts, okay.
What--what would you do in my situation? I'd forget about her and go back home to my wife.
What else you got? What? Unbelievable.
[ Music .]
Little jerk.
What? What did you say? You heard me.
You got something to say, say it.
I said you're a little jerk.
I suppose you think this is easy for me raising a child on my own.
I suppose you think this is a walk in the park.
Here we go talking about the kid again.
Excuse me? You wanted to have a kid.
Nobody forced you, duck voice.
Just 'cause you got a little taquito and no one wants to give it up to you, don't judge me? Oh, that's really nice talk from a mother.
You wanna see how much of a mother I am? You just keep talking.
Ooh, I'm scared.
Oh, you got a good thing going here, Ruben, don't you? Nice, sweet, shy, Ruben, little sweater-Vest-wearing Ruben.
There are just a couple of things that I can say about you too.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
But you know what? I am not gonna sink to your level 'cause I'm getting that apartment.
I don't think so, shortcake.
That apartment is mine.
You hear me? (Duck voice--impersonation) That apartment is mine.
You hear me? Shut up.
[ Music .]
C'mon, five.
C'mon, baby.
Where is he? He's in the lead.
Yeah? C'mon, five.
Six.
Way to go.
C'mon, six.
Let's go, six.
Shut up.
C'mon six.
Five.
Six.
C'mon, six.
I'll give you six.
He's gonna do it.
He's gonna do it, frank.
He's gonna do it.
C'mon, you sexy beast, go.
Go, baby, go.
Go, go-- horse went off at 2:1.
We got back 30,000.
Here's your cut, 1500.
Sweet.
And here's the wad we borrowed from 'ya back safe and sound.
I gotta say, frank, I asked around and people were pretty much in agreement that when it came to betting the ponies, you were a huge loser.
I was worried but now, thank you.
Nice doing business with ya.
Oh, you can come back any time.
Take care, oz.
Well, that's the terrible beauty of gambling.
Walking that razors edge at your risk.
Mm-Hmm.
Long shot pays off big, or a short thing wigs out and jumps the rail.
So I'm outta five-dollars.
That's what I'm hearing.
Terrible beauty, partner.
Oh, man, this sucks.
What am I supposed to tell my wife when she wants to know where that five-dollars went? Take it easy, pip.
How she gonna know it's gone? Sometimes at the end of the day she checks my-- --never mind.
[ Music .]
Can I talk to you two for a second in here? Tough day at the track? Oh, nightmare.
Really, 'cause I just saw Ozzy from downstairs flashing a wad of cash and talking about your big score.
Ozzy? Do we know any Ozzy? Ozzy? Not in the mood.
Start talking.
Okay, we'll tell ya.
Before we went to the track, we decided to stop by the evidence room and pick up a little extra capital, 10,000 worth.
Oh, my god.
Yeah, but we only did it because there was absolutely no way we could lose.
Except you did.
Which I still can't believe.
That horse was nine lengths ahead in the stretch.
Yeah, then it decided to freak out and jump the inside rail.
I think it was hopped up on something, maybe some kind of horse crack.
Yeah.
You are the two stupidest men on this planet.
Not entirely true.
We stopped by the bank on the way back and took out $1500.
That's what we paid Ozzy with.
That's the money you saw him flashing.
That was his cut.
What about the 10-grand? What did he say when you didn't return that? Ah, but we did.
You see, we still had roughly $300 left from everyone in the squad, so what I did was I changed it into two $100 bills and 98 singles.
We put 100 on top, 100 on the bottom, and the singles in the middle.
Viola, 10-grand.
I'm not hearing this.
We put back a little each week, a 100 here, a 100 there.
We'll have it paid off in no time.
Thirteen months tops, year and a half at the outside.
I was never here.
We never talked about this.
So we're good, right? [ Music .]
Hi, I was lookin' for ya.
Okay.
So, listen, I don't wanna wreck our friendship over that apartment.
If it had a fireplace, maybe.
You didn't see the fireplace? I'm kidding.
I'm sorry for what I said about your kid and just-- just everything.
Oh, thank you, and I'm sorry about those height remarks.
I--I guess the best thing is for both of us to just back off and let somebody else have the apartment.
No, no, no, I got a plan.
You go for it and I'll take your place, which still puts me closer to work.
Oh, you're a genius.
Oh-- Thank you so much.
I am calling that landlord first thing in the morning.
[ Music .]
You wanna do this for another half-hour or you just wanna start screaming and get it over with? I'm not screaming.
Did you hear me scream? No, but I wish you would.
Just say it, mike, say it.
You think I'm evil.
You think I'm selfish.
You think I did it just to get back at you.
Say it.
Say it.
Okay, I think, maybe, the part about gettin' even is probably true.
Look, all I have is you.
You have a whole other person to love and do things with and talk to and sleep with, and then you have me.
You have two people to share your life with, mike.
I have one, you.
So, I said to myself I would just make things even.
So-- now we're even? I guess.
Honey, remember, I promised Karen I would-- oh, my god.
Honey, don't get mad.
I'm not mad.
Get out.
Out.
You sound pretty mad.
Out.
Honey-- [Phone ringing.]
Yeah.
I hope you didn't get the wine.
What's wrong? Davie's coughing like crazy.
I gotta take him to the doctor.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, Mike.
I made you a promise and everything.
No, it's okay.
It's okay.
I--I gotta go back to work anyway so--but just give him a big hug and a kiss for me.
I will honey.
All right? Yeah.
Bye.
Bye.
Forget about it.
["Sexual healing".]
Well, I'm sorry, but I just don't think this is fair.
We were the first ones to call about the apartment.
What do you mean? Who called you first? Well, that's just fine.
I just want you to know that I think it is terrible to let people take advantage of someone else's tragedy like that.
Who got it? The neighbor, Thurston.
The one who called us vultures? Yeah-- he's knocking down a wall and making one huge apartment.
What a hypocrite.
Yeah.
Hey, maybe he did it.
Maybe he's the one who murdered the guy.
For an apartment? For that apartment.
Maybe we should go pay our friend, Mr.
Thurston, a visit.
No, no, no, that's crazy.
Forget about it.
Ruben, if he did it and he's arrested and he's convicted, that apartment opens up too.
Let's move.
[ Music .]
Captioning performed by the transcription company Burbank, ca Www.
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