The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e09 Episode Script

[Larry.]
And what is The difference between-- This is an ape, Am i correct? [Joan embrey.]
This is an ape As opposed to a monkey.
And great apes are gorillas, Orangs, chimps-- Very intelligent, Very highly developed, Our closest relatives.
[Larry sanders.]
What about monkeys? What's the difference? Monkeys are not as high On the developmental scale.
Many have tails, Which she does not.
Little bit different Body shape.
She has very Humanlike hands.
It sounds like Most of those Become sidekicks, Announcers, That kind of thing.
They're almost Intelligent enough.
I understand that jessie Can actually throw And catch a baseball.
She's very good at it.
I brought my glove.
I thought we'd try that.
All right.
Joel, can you Give me a hand? I'll step over here.
Let me get My jacket off.
All right.
Is joel going to This is joel.
Joel, are you an ape Or a monkey? [Laughs.]
What shall I do here? We'll send her To you.
Go on.
Should i Not throw it? Is she going to Take the ball? [audience laughs.]
That's the clip We'll use.
The koala bear Peeing on larry Is much funnier.
Horse shit.
We used that on last Year's anniversary show.
It's classic.
Classic, my ass! People are tired Of seeing hosts Being pissed on.
Joe franklin did that I'm not saying It's shakespeare.
It's an anniversary show.
Give people What they want.
And what They want to see Is larry sanders getting Hit in the nuts by a monkey.
Right, lar? What's the difference? Right.
We'll use the monkey In the clip package And the koala As a bumper.
Good thinking, larry.
I agree.
We'll use The monkey as a bumper And the koala bear For the clip package.
Jerry, Excuse us, please.
Doesn't it seem like The same show Night after night? No.
Well, i am walking through The same fucking blue curtain Every night doing Exactly the same show.
Well, let's get rid Of the fucking blue curtain.
Jazz things up a little.
Let's get a red curtain, Maybe with a stripe.
That is not what i'm saying.
O.
K.
What about this? Let's mix up Tonight's show.
If miss dolly parton Will allow, We'll bump her To third And open with The bird whistlers.
And who's In the middle? An old friend You haven't seen For some time.
You might not recognize This little girl, But she was on your show In 1987.
How could i forget, Joan? That was my last Intimate relationship.
Where are you going? Where are you going? Jessie, Be a good girl.
I don't Understand this.
She doesn't do this At home.
She only does it With you.
I'll consider it A compliment.
Don't you have to go to work? I am working.
I'm working On this movie, it's going great.
Great.
In fact, i'm going To call in sick today.
I can't go to that show One more fucking day.
Ever since i started working On this movie, i'm telling you, I feel like i've been wasting My life doing that show.
I understand.
I need my computer.
Yeah, no, i-- i need it.
I only have 100 pages left.
[Chuckles.]
Where the hell is larry? He's the one that called A staff meeting.
He's not in yet.
I know he's not in yet.
Hank wants to know Where larry is.
He's not in yet.
Is he sick? I don't know.
Where's larry? He's not in yet.
Is he sick? Car trouble? I don't know.
It's francine.
She hates the show.
I suppose she prefers The cinema and the ballet.
She did answer When i called.
I'm afraid our boy Is getting pussy-whipped.
Artie, ix-nay On the ussy-whipped-pay.
Quite right, hank.
Inexcusable.
Forgive me, ladies.
Beverly, would you Please call larry? Absolutely.
If he's not At his house, Try yoko's place.
[Telephone rings.]
If that's work, Tell them i'm sick.
I hate doing that.
Thanks.
[Ring.]
Hello.
[beverly.]
one sec for artie.
[artie.]
francine, dear, may i speak to our boy? Oh, um Hi.
How are you? is larry there? Just a minute.
He hates me.
Is it artie? I thought Hello, artie.
What's up? I'm not feeling Too well.
just checking to see when you'll be with us.
Well, i, uh-- [Clears throat.]
I've been kind of Sick today.
I don't think i'd be Any good at work today Coming in at all.
mm-hmm.
You still there? i'm listening.
I'm fluish.
I'll be in In about half an hour.
check.
O.
K.
Why not say You're working On your movie? Because i haven't told anyone About the movie.
It's not their business.
Oprah winfrey Is interviewing Michael jackson.
Michael jackson Says that-- [Hank.]
What's the word-- I'm sorry.
Go right ahead.
Oprah winfrey's Interviewing michael jackson-- He says he can Count on two fingers The amount of times he's Had plastic surgery.
I don't think those were His real fingers.
[Chuckles.]
Larry didn't like that.
He said it's dated.
It is-- [Coffee grinder whirrs.]
I'm sorry.
It is dated.
What do you mean? People probably Won't remember Who Oprah winfrey is.
Michael jackson Is timeless, you know? Let me ask A question.
Have you noticed That, um [Spring reverberating.]
Have you noticed That larry is acting A little melancholy lately? I have not.
Larry who? That's probably because You don't get The quality time With larry that i do.
Like those moments During the commercial When he asks if anything's Hanging from his nose? [Both laugh.]
Hey, phil? Phil? Remember, you can't spell Smart ass without a-s-s.
O.
K.
? Oh, i'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You don't have to hold The party line with me.
All right.
The cone of silence Is coming down.
Mm-hmm.
I think larry might be Losing interest in the show.
Who isn't? Now is the time For you guys to write Some of the funniest stuff He has ever seen-- Boffo, laugh-out-loud, Off-the-wall shit That you guys-- You do so well.
What will you Be doing? You watch me Out there tonight.
You're going to see A re-energized hank kingsley-- On, with a capital "o" And a capital "n.
" I'm getting Excited.
It's really great For this stuff.
You put it like this.
It really works.
Try that.
It's really hard.
Pardon me? [Audience laughs.]
Yeah, It is hard.
Yeah, very.
It's hard.
It really works.
Boy, it is hard.
Yeah.
[Laughing.]
All right.
Now, um I leave it on the floor Next to my bed.
Oh, That lucky thing.
Do you, ah Hank, what [Laughter.]
What is that? Oh, this is An electrical tie.
It's just, you know-- Just a goof.
Be sure To take it off Before getting In the bathtub.
The suzanne somers Segment Was pure magic.
Oh, yeah.
Her boobs were falling Out of her blouse.
And all i did was Make lewd innuendoes About having sex With her.
I'm very, very proud.
You should be.
Leno couldn't flirt.
It would Make people sick.
Yech.
I'm glad to know I don't make america sick.
Suzanne, my darling, What a delight.
I'll see you Tomorrow, hank.
O.
K.
I got to talk to you-- Not as a co-worker, As a friend.
I mean, as a friend And a co-worker.
Well, not now, huh? Your foot is In the door.
Yeah.
I got to get Right back out.
Larry, there is nothing More important to me Than the human Relationship.
I know, because Recently i was dating A solid gold dancer, And she was Everything to me.
I didn't know solid gold Was still on.
It isn't.
She was A solid gold dancer in 1979.
I'm sorry.
It was '80.
Well, still The peak years.
Right.
Anyway, uh [Laughs.]
Uh, larry This show is like A family of sorts, But now there's A new member Of the family, Isn't there? You trying to tell me You're pregnant, hank? I mean francine, Your new lady.
You can't forget Your old lady, the show.
There's got to be room In your life For both of these Lovely ladies.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Don't you ever Get bored? Bored? In what way? With the show.
Yes.
Sometimes, When kenny g is on, I get a little sleepy.
That is Something else.
You mean bored In show business? Oh, no.
No.
Everything about it is, You know, um It's interesting.
Something's got to give.
I understand.
Something's got to give.
I understand that.
And you know why I understand that? Because first I'm your friend, Then i'm A co-worker.
Was that a curtsy? Did you just curtsy? Ha ha! No.
O.
K.
Don't ever Curtsy.
O.
K.
Larry? Thumbs, hank.
[Door opens and closes.]
There's no reason For arthur to hate me.
He doesn't hate you.
Oh, good.
I just typed "He doesn't hate you.
" Yes, he does.
He does not.
Nice run? Yeah.
You smell good.
Thanks.
Mmm.
Sweat becomes you.
Thank you.
How is the movie? Don't look.
It's rough.
I like it rough.
Well, nevertheless.
Is lyle The protagonist? Lyle is a cop.
Yeah.
I should wait Till it's on video.
Or laser disc.
Surround sound will Bring this to life.
I never did anything To arthur, did i? There's oxygen In the kitchen.
Good morning, larry.
Morning.
Hey.
Hey.
Can i ask A quick question? Everything's cool With the writing On the show? Yeah, yeah.
Monologues Are o.
K.
? Great.
Good as ever.
Good.
All right.
Beverly, Hold my calls And get me A typewriter.
There's a computer If you want it.
I like the sound Of the banging And then the bell.
Or do you prefer The bell and then The banging? [Both laugh.]
He's typing? What does that mean? He'll be doing His own stuff, And we're not gonna Get anything on.
I told you not to do That michael jackson joke.
Fucking king of pop.
We're wasting Our creative lives.
Oh, francine.
Darlene, is he in? Yeah.
Great.
Oh, uh, francine.
What a delight.
Hello, hank.
Lovely shoes.
Are those new? No, but thank you.
Is larry busy? May i speak to you? Well, sure.
Could we adjourn To the conference room? O.
K.
Thank you.
Hank, care to join us? Well, i'd love to.
We'll be right in.
Hank, would you do me A favor and say [Whispering.]
How have You two been? Fine.
What A gorgeous day.
Yes, it is.
I am very concerned About larry's lack Of interest in the show.
Not now, hank.
We wanted to ask If you thought There was Something special We could get larry For his birthday.
Well, his birthday Isn't for another Three months.
We know.
I'm very concerned About larry's lack Of interest in the show.
Not now, hank.
Excuse hank.
Hank sometimes Forgets his boundaries.
What's bothering You, hank? Hank? If there's something On your mind, Now would be The time to speak.
I'm very concerned About larry's lack Of interest in the show.
Uh, if i may, hank.
What hank is Concerned about Is that larry seems To be experiencing Something of A seven-year itch On the show.
I know.
You know, we're Family here, francine, And we're We're so pleased That you've returned To the family, But in every family, There must be a balance.
Larry's lack of interest Isn't because of me.
He's tired of getting hit In the nuts by monkeys.
All right.
That's, uh I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I mean, that-- Don't you demean What we do.
That monkey gave A lot of people pleasure With that Inappropriate act.
I don't make larry's Career choices.
Of course not.
He does what he wants.
If he wants To do movies, He'll do movies.
Movies, is it? Oh, movies.
[Door opens.]
[Larry.]
Hey.
What's going on in here? You guys hitting on My ex-wife? No, no.
We were Catching up On things.
You've got to stop hiding This lovely little light Under a bushel.
Francine is A true delight.
They blame me For your loss Of interest On the show.
Right? Isn't that What you were saying? [Larry.]
Is that true? My being bored Has nothing to do With francine.
I don't like you Dragging her Into our work problems.
We know About the movie.
You know About the movie.
First of all, We loved This treatment.
Absolutely loved it.
Thank you.
Terrific.
It could use a little more Character development.
Well, this is, You know, rough.
And a different Ending, Like in ghost, Where he walks Into the light, And he says, "You can take Love with you.
" Hmm.
Or the ending In green card.
Mmm.
Better.
Yeah.
Huh.
Uh-huh.
Tell me, who do you see Playing lyle? Uh, actually, Uh, i'm lyle.
How do you feel About Harrison ford As lyle? Well I think, you know, I'm really lyle.
Or gerard depardieu.
He was in green card, Right? Yeah.
Boy, you really like green card, don't you? How about Mike myers? Mike myers? As lyle? We do have A project That is absolutely Perfect for you.
Mmm.
True story.
Gabriel edmonds, Steelworker, Hit by A freight train, Developed Psychic powers.
I remember him.
What happened to him? He went insane.
Mm-hmm.
He was killed in a gun battle With the police.
That's a little heavy For me.
No, no.
Actually, It's funny.
Edmonds Gets famous-- Cover of time, Cover of newsweek-- Goes on the larry sanders show.
I'd be playing myself? You wouldn't be Playing hank.
[All laughing.]
Do you think We can get hank? Is there A rest room, uh [larry.]
the anniversary show wouldn't be complete without this clip.
[Audience laughs.]
[jane.]
joel, can you give me a hand? [larry.]
i'll step over here.
let me get my jacket off.
all right? and, uh, is joel going to this is joel.
joel, are you an ape or a monkey? [laughter.]
should i not throw it? is she going to take the ball? [laughter.]
she's a female, all right.
I was right.
That's the clip The fans love.
Yeah, well, i can't Stop laughing.
Mr.
Sanders, please.
Don't take this show For granted.
You insult me And everyone Who works here.
I'm not talking About them.
For 4 decades, i've heard People talk about How shitty tv is And how great movies are.
Fuck 'em.
Do what you're Best at.
That's what Makes you a success.
What's up your ass? I know you had this big Movie meeting today.
Word gets around.
I'm sure you can make A deal anywhere in town.
As a matter of fact, The meeting went great.
Fine.
Go ahead And see how you like Spending 14-hour days In a trailer Playing gin rummy With your hairdresser.
Go ahead.
I will.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good, then.
Good.
What's the next clip? You and hank Eating pie.
[Audience laughs.]
Hear that live audience Laugh? You won't get that Making movies.
how many how many can-- how many pies have you eaten? three.
so counting-- counting the two you had today, that's five? [gags.]
I just want to say We have very little Time left.
Thanks for sticking with us For six years.
And folks, We love you.
Good night.
Let's hope it's another six.
See you tomorrow.
** [Theme music plays.]
Clear! That's a wrap! That went well.
That was a good show.
I rarely talk To the audience After a show, But this was special.
You're special, That you come here.
Any questions? Yes, sir.
I was just wondering-- You being so funny, How come you don't do movies?