The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s02e09 Episode Script

now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad I had lots of luck but it's all been bad no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand my woman run away with another man no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
Can you at least try it on, make sure it fits? I don't like the joint costume.
Okay, this is what friends do They dress up like a hot dog together.
- They don't.
- Tim, I spent $900 on this costume.
You spent $900? - Yeah.
- That's too much.
- Look.
I am building a legacy - oh, boy.
Excuse me a legacy for my children and their grandchildren.
This? You're going to leave this in your will? "I, Stu, leave the hot-dog costume" I'm gonna leave the memory of I'm gonna be buried in the costume.
- Amy, how's your part fitting? - I guess it fits.
- Wow.
You are some spicy mustard.
- Don't say that, Stu.
- See, I don't get it.
How is anyone gonna know I'm mustard? Because you will be standing tightly packed In between me and your boyfriend all night.
- No.
- Let me just sort of waddle over there.
- Okay.
No, stop.
And if I hug - It does look good.
- No! Eww! Stu, don't! - Just get in here and - gross.
You look like mustard now that you're in there.
- You look like mustard with your beautiful blonde hair.
- You know what? You want me to be enveloped by Stu the entire night? But you'll be next to me.
You'll be next to the hot dog.
No.
And next to - the bun's just I the background.
- The bun is behind me - yeah.
- I'm out.
- Where did you think the bun was? - yeah, let's have the mustard outside of the bun.
Get your hands all dirty with mustard what are you, crazy? Come on, Stu.
Where's the fucking bun? I am not gonna get a lot of work done today.
Hey, Tim.
Hey, Gladys.
Pretty sweet hot-dog costume, don't you think? Oh, I'm not dressed as a hot dog.
no, I I am.
- Oh.
- I was complimenting myself.
- I thought you were a snake.
- A snake? - What kind of snake - Oh! - What? Tim dressed up like a penis! - Excuse me? No.
- Timothy! Boss's office now.
I it takes me a while to walk.
Well, in my day, Timothy, penises moved pretty damn fast.
- I dot know how to respond to that.
Well, this just takes the cake.
- Listen.
- This is, by far, The best thing you've ever done.
It's hilarious.
Look at you.
You're a huge penis.
Oh, you I thought I'm in trouble.
No, you're a big dong.
Am I right? - Actually, you're not.
- Have a seat.
Have a seat.
I can't.
It's hard to sit.
Oh, just be slightly less excited and sit down.
All right.
What are you by the way? - Oh, me? Daryl hall.
- Yeah.
Of hall & Oates? Yeah, and who do you think is Oates? - Bang.
- It's a good costume.
Good good costumes all around in this room.
Boss, I came as quickly as I could.
- Thank God you're here.
- Have you spoken with Tim? - Yeah, with a very severe tone.
- How did you think That this would go over at Omnicorp? - How could this have gone over well? - Are you ready to chuckle? - No, Tim, I'm not.
- Are you ready to laugh? - Always always.
- Are you ready to apologize to Tim? - Well - I'm a hot dog, Marie.
Look, I'm not gonna debate this issue.
This is a fireable offense.
You need to remove the costume.
All right.
Before we do anything drastic - Go ahead.
- At least allow me a chance to defend myself.
- Seems fair.
- Am I really the kind of guy that's gonna get dressed up In an offensive outfit? Would I even have the courage? I just can't I am so sorry.
- I'm trying to defend myself.
- I know, but I can't concentrate.
It's just so hard to pay attention to a big talking dong.
- What the fuck, Stu? - Whoa.
Cuss words out of Tim.
Something's wrong.
- Something's wrong, yes.
- What's the big deal? Are you joking? Everyone thinks I'm a penis.
I know.
I heard the story.
- It's been passed around the office.
- It's not good.
- Look, if it's any consolation - stop talking, please.
The fact that you're sweating Really sells it as a hot dog for me.
- All right.
- Penises don't get this sweaty.
It's not the general consensus.
Just unzip me.
how's that? - Why are you grunting? - 'cause it's effort.
If I get fired over this, I really You want a Stu-lution? Is that what you want? - You want a Stu-lution to this? - I don't want a Stu-lution.
- Okay, here it is.
- I don't.
Every time I get in trouble at work, I get a note from my doctor.
Remember that time I put my balls in the microwave - And got caught in the kitchen - I do remember that.
'cause they were cold and I wanted to warm them up? Well, I went to my psychiatrist and I got a note saying That I have a personality disorder.
You think your guy would give me a note? Yeah, these child psychiatrists will diagnose you With anything at the drop of a hat.
- Child psychiatrist? - I still see my child psychiatrist.
- Why? - 'cause I've had crying jags since I was five - You do cry a lot.
- And I do feel comfortable with him And he's got just a fabulous candy selection.
That's not the way most people choose a doctor.
Well, most people don't cry when they see lowes commercials.
Hey, you know I probably should've mentioned on the phone That I'm not a little boy.
- Oh, no no no.
- I'm 25.
Age is not a concern of mine.
Have a seat on that tiny little chair and let's begin.
- Oh.
- Candy? Candy? Sure.
You don't have a Charleston chew, do you? All four flavors.
Mini or standard? Frozen or room temp? Wow.
Who would ever go to an adult doctor? Okay, give me a frozen vanilla mini.
Okay, here comes the Charleston chew-chew train.
- What comes? What? Don't.
I can feed myself.
Oh, wow.
There's a Charleston chew in my mouth.
I like the way you're chewing that.
That's very good.
Let it melt in your mouth.
Anyway, I've got some pretty deep-rooted problems.
- Timothy.
Timothy.
- Pretty serious - Social anxiety - please, Timothy.
- Yeah? - We don't have to start with the boring stuff.
- No? - Let's just hang out! - Hang out? - Maybe you want to play with this truck? What do you do? Do you just roll it around? - Vroom.
- I have to say vroom? Well, you should say vroom.
- Vroom.
- That's good.
- Vroom.
- Very good.
- Vroom and park.
- Oh.
No no no no.
- I parked it.
Parallel parked it.
- I can't help you If you won't respect my methods, Timothy.
Now play with the truck.
Have a good time.
- Vroom vroom.
- That's better.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Can you just give me the note? - Can I just get a note? - No.
Gotta play with the truck for another hour and a half? I think this is going very well, don't you? Yes, I know.
- Hey.
- Ah.
There he is.
- Tim, come on in here.
- Speak of the devil.
Marie and I, we had a conversation with the lawyers.
- Can I stop you right there? - You're fired.
- No no, don't say that.
- Bye, Tim.
- We'll see you.
- You've been great.
No no no no, listen.
I went to my doctor.
I've got a note.
I suffer from a form of social autism.
It's called Asperger's syndrome.
It's very common, actually.
I say and do things that are rude, Awkward, inappropriate, But I don't realize that people will react poorly.
So that explains all the past behavior - And thank you for your time.
- Let me get this straight.
Tim, you have no interest whatsoever in other people's feelings? - That's the gist of it.
- You're without empathy - Mm-hmm.
- Or compassion? - It's not ideal.
- This is a true superpower.
- I love this.
- It's a discovery - No, it's it's autism.
- Of a new superhero.
An awkward superhero.
We can have Tim do all our unpleasantness.
- Indeed.
- We send him out there to have all the awkward conversations - That we don't want to have ourselves.
- At work or at home, sir.
- At either place.
- Oh, man.
I can actually tell people what I really think - Of them through Tim.
- Nah.
Well, Tim can't control what he says.
If someone complains, we just say, "oh, super super sorry about that.
It must be Tim and his condition.
" We have won the lottery, sir.
everybody wins! - No.
- You win too! - It doesn't sound like I win.
- You'll just be hated.
- Hey, you're the new guy? - Hey, my name's Craig.
- Hey, I'm Tim.
- Hey, Tim.
Listen, I just wanted to tell you You just reek like a fucking dumpster.
- What? - I apologize if that's out of line.
- I just think you really smell like a dumpster - Yes, it's - Jesus! It's completely out of line.
- Or a bum.
- Oh, I thought it was a normal thing - No no, it's not a normal - To talk about.
- It's not a normal thing that people say.
Craig, Timothy has a medical condition.
- I'm so so sorry.
- Yeah, it must be that darn condition.
- Is that all, Tim? - Do you mind if I spray Febreze on you? Febreze is, a, for carpets And, b, for couches, okay? Not for people.
- Ah! Ugh! - Ah! Jeez.
Oh, okay.
- Hi, dear.
- Wow, you look stunning.
- Thank you.
- You remember, Tim.
Of course I do.
What are you doing here? - Work work stuff.
- Working stuff.
- While we're on that topic - Hmm.
Have you been working The spoon too often in the Ben & Jerry's? - Excuse me? - Pardon? I'm sorry.
I just don't remember you being that chubby.
You're saying her Ne has filled out with fat? - I didn't say that.
- I'm just trying to clarify I just said you look a little chubby.
- How dare you, young man? - How dare you say My wife has put on weight in her rear end, Ankles, calves, legs, neck and arms? Great practice, everyone.
I'm proud of each and every one of you.
Yeah.
You've got a great squad here.
- Who are you? - As an impartial observer, I just feel like you guys are doing great, Except for Sheila and Meagan.
These two are kind of dragging the team down with them.
- What?! - You know, you look a little retarded out there.
That's just me, though, as a guy who's walking past the soccer field.
Oh, Tim, you are hammering this.
- You think so? - This is the best job you've ever done! - How many more of these? - One.
I need you to talk to Becky.
I thought she was one of your favorites.
- What do you want me to say? - Oh, she's great.
She's, you know, very good at work.
- That's what I care about.
- Hey, Becky.
- Hi, Tim.
- Tim here.
- Yeah.
- I've got a quick question.
- Okay.
Why don't you wear that light blue sweater more often? The ones that your boobs look so nice in? What are you asking me? The question is about the frequency Of how often you wear the sweater That makes your boobs look so darn good.
- This is so weird.
- It's a compliment.
- It's good.
- Okay.
Well, thank you.
- Yeah, maybe wear it on Tuesday? - Yeah.
- Sure.
- Or just give me a heads up.
- Okay.
- Hmm.
Well, I can feel a jag coming on.
- How could he do this to me? - Oh, crying again, Stu? - How could you tell? Let me just finish this up here.
You're always making me late with your tears and your pain.
- you want to know what happened, Paul? - Uh, no.
- I've got my best friend Hitting on the girl that I love.
Boy, you know, it's really hard to get out certain stains.
- Do you have sadness, Paulie? - No.
Hey, Dr.
Fishman, it's Stu.
- Stu.
- Yeah.
- Stu.
- Yeah.
Stewart your client.
- That's you.
You're Stu.
- Yes, it's me on the - I know you.
- I'm Stu.
You know me.
- You wet your bed.
- I did.
I do.
- I don't anymore.
- You will.
- I won't.
- Okay.
Look, you know that guy I referred you to Tim? Timothy.
Of course I do.
The one with the truck.
Vroom vroom, beep beep.
- Very strange.
- Yeah, exactly.
Vroom vroom.
He was lying about his condition.
- Oh, no.
- He dressed up like a penis for Halloween - Oh my.
- And he got in trouble for it.
- Oh, gee.
- And now he wants to use your note as an excuse.
How do you like that? Two dudes in a limo.
- Sounds like a porn.
- What are we doing? So I got a call from your child psychiatrist today.
My doctor called you? He told me you don't have Asperger's syndrome.
- You don't have any kind of syndrome.
- I do or I don't? - Don't.
- Don't have.
Right, you're just a pathological liar And quite possibly a clinical sociopath.
- Whoops.
- Exactly.
You don't have any remorse.
Straight to "whoops.
" - Am I fired? - Fired? - Reprimanded in some way? - Uh, you're a sociopath.
do you have any idea how useful you are? - What does that mean? - It's like a superpower.
You've got a weird misconception about superheroes.
- So put this ski mask on - ski mask? No.
- Yeah.
- It's already kind of warm.
We're going to pull up to my beach house in a minute And you're going to strangle my neighbor's cat.
Oh, man.
Into the night, driver! no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
Okay, have a great day.
You too.
- Can I help you? - Oh.
Yeah, I was just clearing my throat, But I may as well just say that my name's Stu.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna talk again now.
- What? - Is it my turn to talk? - Yeah.
- Okay, I'm beginning conversation.
Okay, I was just wondering, Maybe, at some point, that we would go out For drinks And maybe a, uh, chorizo lunch? - Are you asking me out? - Yeah.
Oh my God, that's adorable.
- Oh, thank you.
- That's so bold of you.
- I think you're pretty cute too.
- Hold on.
That's why I've been looming here for So, first of all, I really appreciate the offer, But as far as attractiveness goes, I'm kind of up in this area - And you're down here.
- You didn't really need to draw this out.
And I would be willing to totally dip you Into this middle zone under certain circumstances - Right.
- But it would be hard to explain to people - If I went too low.
- Too low.
- Yeah, no one would believe me.
- Right.
I wouldn't want to do that to you, or me for that matter.
- It's really thoughtful of you.
- Oh, you're so welcome.
- What's the verdict? - Take a look.
- She drew a chart? - Yeah.
- Well, you live and learn.
- Thanks a lot for that, Tim.
- Always really helpful.
- C'est la vie.
- Really helpful Tim.
- Cock cock cock cock! - That cock can suck my cock! - Just a quick note You've got to get more creative on your swear words, Stan.
There's a real rainbow of words that you could use, but I'm you know what? O'Flaherty just banned me from his bar for life.
- O'Flaherty? - Yeah.
Why? He likes you.
The old one, not the young one.
What did you do to get banned? I didn't do anything.
I did nothing at all.
We were playing pool.
I scratched.
This guy behind me said, "hey, you scratched," So I took my pool cue, I smashed it across his face.
- That's not nothing.
- Then his girlfriend decides to pipe in - And I said, "you want some, bitch?" - Okay.
So I smashed a beer bottle across her face.
Even if you just said, "you want some, bitch?" - That would've been bad enough.
- Enough to get banned.
- all right.
Keep backing it out of here.
- Good riddance.
- What is this? What are you doing? What does it look like I'm doing? I'm getting rid of the pool table.
Whoa.
Whoa whoa.
You can't do this.
This was literally my only form of exercise.
Look, I don't know what my son allowed in here, But I will not have it in my bar.
Since 1909 we've had three rules in here.
- Yeah? - No fighting.
No cursing.
No discover card.
That's a hasty decision.
You come out of retirement - And you yank the table.
- See now, don't bother.
- Don't even try.
- I've got the floor.
Tim's got the floor.
The floor? It's my fucking floor.
Shut up.
Get out.
You want to be banned? I'll ban you.
You're gonna ban me? No, I'm Tim.
Yeah, you sound like you want to get banned.
- No, I don't want to get banned.
- No, I do agree With O'Flaherty the elder.
He has that tone.
- Yeah, doesn't he? - Yeah.
Look.
These guys take the pool too seriously, Too many fights, so I'm replacing it with ping-pong.
- Ping-pong? Ding-dong! It's time for ping-pong.
Come on, who's first? No, don't unveil the new table that way.
It's not gonna draw a crowd if you introduce it like that.
- My apologies.
- I wouldn't mind playing.
- I'm actually very good.
- Really? In college, they actually used to call me king pong.
Sounds like you were really a groovy dude.
- Sarcasm.
- You picked up on that.
- Who wants to play? Stu? - No, I'm just too depressed.
Maybe I would play if We had some nachos or something.
- Trying to get nachos out of the deal? - Maybe.
- I'm not gonna do it.
- Nachos coming up.
One or two? - Two please.
- I'm not paying.
- On your pal here.
- All right, thanks.
I'll play.
All right.
Are you ready to get your little ass kicking? I've got to hit it on my side then your side, right? - Yes.
- All right.
- Oh! - What happened? - Whoa.
- Did he hit it? - 1-0, bald guy.
- Wasn't quite ready, but we'll let it go.
- Okay, ready? - Now I'm ready.
- Oh shit.
- 2-0, chubbzy-wubbzy still ahead.
We could do without the commentary.
Okay, ready? Now I unleash the tiger.
I'll go slower this time for you.
Oh! Dominated! - No.
- Tim looks like an idiot.
Look at his face idiot face.
Rodney, do you want to play? Or someone else? Come on, king pong.
Let's go.
- The nachos are ready.
- They'll keep.
Okay, ready? And his bell got rung.
- Who's winning? - You lost.
5-0.
Game over.
- It's over.
- That was bad ass, Stu.
It was sexy.
You were so confident.
Oh, I agree.
If I didn't have a boyfriend, watch out.
What was that? if I didn't have a boyfriend, watch out if I didn't have a boyfriend, watch out if I didn't have a boyfriend didn't have a boyfriend didn't have a boyfriend, watch out.
- Backhand! - Stu? - What? - What are you doing? I'm waiting downstairs for 10 minutes.
- Ah! I'm sorry, man.
- Wait a second.
Are you nude and playing ping-pong in your kitchen? I am practicing ping-pong And I am not nude.
I am just wearing nude briefs.
Talk to me, Stu.
I'm worried about you.
Don't be worried about me.
You should be psyched for me.
- What do you - I feel better than I've ever felt in my life.
- What's the purpose? - The purpose is That I, playing ping-pong, exude a confidence And sexual energy that I never have before.
- You won one game.
- I've never been good At anything in my life.
And I've gotta say It, umm It's making me feel right about myself.
I want to say this is emotional, But I know you're going to say something weird about nailing Becky.
Stu, I really encourage you - To just slow this down.
- I encourage you to keep your yapper shut.
- Oh my God.
- Tim I have finally found a world That I feel comfortable in.
I am talented at this, Not to mention the coolest person here.
- I mean, look around.
- They look similar to you.
- Dork.
Dong bucket.
- Lower your voice.
- Douche nozzle.
- Lower your voice.
I'm sorry.
What did you say? - I said that - I heard "douche nozzle.
" - And you came running? - You rookies are all the same, All right? You show no respect for the game at all.
Oh, really? Ow.
You just hit me in the face with a ping-pong ball.
- Was that supposed to be tough? - Yeah, let's go.
- Let's take it to the table.
- I would be happy to take you down anytime.
It just this can't be the time 'cause I have a podiatrist appointment.
But I would be happy to play you tomorrow night O'Flaherty's bar in midtown.
Fine.
Be ready for a beatdown, bitch.
Okay, get ready for a slap-off, Sally.
I'm gonna be bouncing my balls off your face.
I'm gonna bounce my balls all up in your butthole.
Eww.
Rethink that one.
All right, just text me the directions - And I'll meet you there.
- Why don't you just use mapquest, buddy? I have a slow Internet connection.
I can't use mapquest right now.
Next month I might be able to.
Well, go to an Internet cafe then and use Just text me the directions! Give me your number then! We need to exchange numbers.
- Wrap it up, guys.
- Give me your phone.
I'll put my number into your phone.
- It's really not dramatic anymore.
- Vice versa.
gee, Stu really seems - To be taking this ping-pong seriously.
- It's a whole new Stu.
Has his hair started growing back? Oh, no, they retouched that.
Yeah, that's ridiculous.
You guys gonna come by? You gonna watch the match? - Yeah, definitely.
- Yeah? I used to be a cheerleader in high school, So maybe I'll write a special cheer for him a special cheer.
- Oh my God, he would love that.
- Great.
How about you Helen? Are you gonna cheer? Oh, I have to take my dog in.
He has plantar warts on his feet.
I shouldn't have asked.
There's the big man.
what's going on? Oh, my world is crumbling.
- Crumbling? - Yeah, like the entire crumb cake I just ate - As a symbolic gesture.
- I thought you were excited.
- Becky's coming to watch you play.
- Don't even say that.
- I just googled my opponent.
- Yeah? - He played at the Olympics.
- They do that? Yeah, they do that.
- Holy shit.
- Oh God, I'm such an idiot.
- Stu.
- Oh! I'm so dumb! Such an idiot! Oh! I want to stop you, but I don't blame you.
Oh.
Ow.
Hey, you're not gonna throw all this away.
- This is your big - it's my big chance.
- Yeah, let's think it through.
- Let's think it through.
- I figured it out.
- That was quick.
You need to pull a Tonya harding.
- Stu, stop.
- I know this is gonna sound worse than it is, - But let me finish my well-thought-out thought.
- Don't finish.
All I need you to do is a minor injury to this guy An Indian burn, a paper cut, Maybe get him a new laptop so he gets carpal tunnel.
- I'm just asking for a simple thing.
- You're playing him tonight.
You're my Gillooly.
You're my Jeff Gillooly on this, Tim.
I need you.
How often do I ask you for favors? - Every other week.
- Okay, so we're on schedule.
Thanks for helping, Rodney.
I'm not a big violence guy.
- No problem, Timmy.
- What are we gonna do? Start out with an aggressive high-five.
You get it started, just whip him up into a frenzy, Like a total high-five circle.
We all just start slapping each other? Right, then I'll jump in and fuck up his hand pretty good.
Oh, I think this is the guy.
hey, douche nozzle.
- Get it up there, my man.
- Why? We met at Chelsea piers, remember? Get it up there.
- What for? - The reason The reason for the high-five? - Yeah.
- It's lost its spontaneity now.
Daylight savings, right? You can play ping-pong more, right? - No, ping-pong's indoors.
- I know, I know.
Daylight savings has no effect on ping-pong.
Oh, man, it's gonna be pretty mild this weekend, they said.
- Get it up there.
Have you ever high-fived before? It's okay, you can tell me.
Oh, Stu, how do I say this? How do I say that she brought - Her pompoms? - Oh my God, she brought 'em.
- Do you know what that means? - She has a lot of team spirit.
It means she's got a lot of team spirit And the team the Captain of the team - Being my ding-dong.
- Don't get too excited.
Listen, we didn't pull it off.
- What do you mean you didn't pull it off? - Tonya harding.
Oh.
This is terrible.
This is terrible.
- It's not good.
It's not good.
- All right.
Okay, plan #2: Pull the fire alarm.
- Do it quick.
- That's a good idea.
That's a good idea.
No no no, bad idea.
- I'll ban you.
- This guy bans you for everything.
- He likes to ban.
- Okay, Tim, you've gotta - Okay, are we gonna do this? Yeah, we just I just need a minute to recalibrate my paddle.
come on, Stu, we're pulling for you! I brought my pompoms.
- Oh my God.
- Why does God torture me like this? This is like job when he played ping-pong against that whale.
Positive vibes, positive energy.
- I'm just gonna lift the ball here and Hey, what the hell is that guy doing here? I banned him.
All right, Flaherty, just hear me out.
- O'Flaherty, Putz.
- I came to apologize.
- Go ahead.
- Okay, I cooled off - Wait, is that ping-pong table? - Yeah.
Wow.
Are you gonna start serving juice and sugar cookies? - What the fuck, man?! - Ow! My little girl plays ping-pong.
Why don't you grab a paddle And we'll see who the little girl really is? Oh, I'm sorry, Captain nerd.
Are you talking to me? No, I let my blade do the talking.
That's the gayest thing I've ever heard.
- Ow! - Stan! - Stan.
- Too muchunching.
- You hit the wrong guy, man.
- Oh, really? I'm gonna email usatt.
org and ban this bar From hosting official or unofficial tournaments.
You can't ban this bar from anything.
Get out! I ban you! They can do it! They're a national nonprofit organization! I'm out of here! oh, Stu is back on top thank you, God! All right, the winner by forfeit Stu.
Bam! Bam! You went from depressed to cocky very quickly.
Hey, asshole.
You got banned for fighting.
You come back in here and you knock a guy out in the first 10 seconds.
- I know, I know.
I'm leaving.
- Stan.
Gotta say, bro, Nice left hook.
Totally badass.
Thanks, bro.
Yeah, tae Bo.
Yeah, it was quite spectacular.
If I didn't have a boyfriend, watch out.
- What was that? - Wait, that's - That's the Stu phrase.
- That's the what? - That's the Stu phrase.
That's what you say to Stu.
- Oh, did I? yeah, it's like My all-purpose flirty phrase.
Don't read anything into it.
I barely even remember you saying it.