The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s02e09 Episode Script
Vote for Kennedy, Vote for Kennedy
1 - Hey, that guy's over there.
- What guy? That guy that told you about that thing that day.
That thing about the weird dude and his weird friend - doing that dumb thing? - Then you told me and I told you I'd already heard about it, and you said it was a different thing but it wasn't? - Oh, yeah.
- What's his name? I forget.
I don't know.
Something to do with fish.
- Oh, that's gonna bother me.
- FRED: Hey, Susie.
You hear about the big arthritis telethon on WNPO next Tuesday? They're looking for acts but spots are going fast.
A spot? On TV? That would be sensational.
Why am I just hearing about this? Just heard it myself.
Margie the booker's at table six.
You gotta give me a heads-up about these things, Fred.
I don't work for you! Margie, Susie Myerson.
I rep a comic that would be great for the telethon.
She's an up-and-comer.
Get someone I know to vouch for her and maybe I'll work her in.
Piece of cake.
Dougie, you know Margie? From way back.
She's doing the telethon.
- Go vouch for my girl? - Done deal.
Yes.
- MIDGE: Well? - It's in the bag.
That's fantastic.
- It's dead.
Dougie said.
- What? Why? FRED: Margie hates Dougie.
You should have gone to Kenny.
It's your job to keep me up to date on these things, Fred.
I don't work for you! Oh, you gotta Shit.
- Where's Margie? - Must've left.
Her assistant's at table 12.
She can pull the trigger.
Good thing for you, Fred.
I don't work for you! Listen.
I've got a hot gal with a lot of talent for you.
Get the hell away from my table.
- Bitch.
- (SCOFFS) The chick's a stiff.
Wait, did I say table 12? I meant table ten.
Hey! - Kenny, you get along with Margie? - I love Margie.
- You'll vouch for my girl? - Sure thing.
Thanks.
Hey, sorry about the bitch thing.
- Margie's assistant? - Who's askin'? Have I got a comic for the telethon.
Kenny'll vouch for her.
- Kenny? - Problem? - Cindy likes you.
- Margie's girl? - Take her to dinner? Thanks.
- Why not? - I got you dinner with Kenny.
- Hey, neat.
My girl's name is Maisel.
I'll tell Margie to slot her in.
Good deal.
- Done.
- Done? Done.
- Joey Mackerel.
- That's the guy's name.
I was right about fish.
I was thinking branzino.
Mm.
Joey Branzino's someone else.
He's not even in the business.
MIDGE: Why are so many guys here named after fish? SUSIE: Beats me.
- There you go.
- Thank you, Zelda.
The potatoes certainly look nice and fluffy.
I know that's how you like them, Mrs.
Weissman.
Thank you, Zelda.
You're welcome.
Zelda seems subtly hostile to me this week.
How do you figure? The way she served the potatoes.
Yours, she served gently; mine, she slopped down like we're in Attica.
Oh, she didn't.
Yours are still nice and fluffy.
Mine have lost all their fluffy.
Mine, she slopped down a little, too.
But you got a "there you go.
" And so did your mother.
I didn't get a "there you go.
" - You're imagining this, Abe.
- I like a nice "there you go.
" Or even an enthusiastic "enjoy.
" - Start a new subject, Miriam.
- Well there's a telethon next week.
You hear about it? Ugh.
That Jerry Lewis thing? He's so loud.
ROSE: And I don't like those facial distortions of his, and that crazy voice; it feels desperate.
Jerry Lewis is muscular dystrophy.
This is a telethon for arthritis and rheumatism.
- Oh, such a good cause.
- A very good cause.
Your mother's family suffers from it, you know.
- Great Aunt Pearl.
- Poor woman with those gnarled hands.
One day she picked up a Kiddush cup and she couldn't set it down for two years.
ABE: We should donate.
Those dollars are so important for research.
Mm-hmm.
How do we do that? Call the broadcast? Probably.
There'll be phone banks and celebrity guests and performers, all volunteering their time.
- Wonderful.
- So selfless.
- I'll be one of them.
- One of what? One of the performers.
I'll be performing on the telethon.
Doing comedy.
Can I use the Kiddush cup bit? Some of them are scams.
- What are? - These telethons.
They take the money and line their own pockets.
- Jerry Lewis has multiple homes.
- Mama, that's ridiculous.
And those telethons look so cheap.
The cameramen never know what to focus on.
- Not true.
- And no one's ever died from arthritis.
Aunt Pearl lived to be 90.
Just her head and neck worked at the end, but it's all she needed for a full life.
Excuse me.
Mind if I join you? Anything wrong, Miss Miriam? Try everything.
Could you be a little more dramatic? Sure.
Let me grab my toga and conjure up a little Coriolanus for you.
You can't eat with the children.
- Why not? - They're not used to it.
You'll scare them.
Will it scare you if I join you for dinner? No.
Thank you.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Miriam, why are you being so sensitive? Stupid me, I thought the telethon was a good way for you to see your daughter perform from the comfort of your home, but what do I know? Are you even ready to appear on television? There's only one way to find out.
And your act is clean enough for television? The act is clean; however, I do it in the nude.
That you say that in front of your son.
You've seen me nude, right, buddy? Yes.
There you go.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) That's really improved.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) No, I get it.
The electrical grid is taxed, you're forcing brownouts, but can you spread them out a little? Every hot summer day, we get hit.
Ten beats eight, Grandma takes.
No, I get it, but are you browning out the Upper East Side on a daily basis, too? I'm guessing no.
Six beats three.
This is turning into a rout.
Trucks are backed up at the loading dock.
- Are you aware of this? - I am now.
This isn't disrespect.
I'm just trying to keep my business running.
- Con Ed? - Emphasis on the "Con.
" - Ace beats queen.
Eat it, son.
- Ma! That your lunch? Or yesterday's lunch? Can we start over? I really want to solve this.
How 'bout I deal with the trucks.
I'll go down in a second.
Ha! You lose again.
I'm whomping your ass.
Really, Ma, playing War with him shouldn't be scarier than actual war.
He has to learn about losing.
Losing is a part of life.
I'm dealing with the trucks.
Then I want to talk to you later, okay? No, no, no.
Don't put me on hold.
- Later, we'll talk? - Yes, fine.
Because when you put me on hold, you forget about me, and I got to start the whole process over again.
Okay.
You want to make this interesting? Ask Daddy for cash.
(SIGHS) Guys, I've been over and over this, but I'm just not understanding why Why what, Abe? Why we're still waiting on all our equipment.
Must be a backlog.
Hey, Abe, four-letter word, mountain range in Russia.
- Ural.
- Yes.
I checked in with all the other teams.
They're not experiencing backlogs.
BOTH: One, two, three, four, we declare a thumb war.
(PHONE RINGS) A.
I.
Nine, this is Devlin.
Uh-huh.
Got it.
Yes, yes, I understand.
Will do.
Thanks.
- What was that? - Wrong number.
Okay.
Carry on.
(BELL TOLLS IN DISTANCE) Continuing from last lecture, let us consider a periodic triangular wave function.
Now, can anyone tell me what property of this function we can exploit to reduce our Fourier series? Truman? Truman? Where is Truman? Is he late? And where are the others? Wasn't this class bigger? - It used to be.
- I won't put up with tardiness.
- I won't.
- None of us were late.
- STUDENT: Except you.
- Who said that? Come on, who said it? Be man enough to come up here so I can box your ears.
Let the record show that there are no men in Abraham Weissman's Advanced Differential Equations course.
Just a sad collection of fatuous, imbecilic, puerile, blithering milksops.
- And for the last time - (SLAPS TABLE) where is Truman? - He's transferred.
- Transferred? Why? His mother said it was taking too much out of him.
His mother And why are all of you still here? Hmm? Lance? Abbie? Whoever the hell said "except you"? Why are you here? I have one more math problem for all of you to solve.
Ready? Here it is.
"All of you " plus "X" equals "competence.
" Solve for "X.
" What is "X"? It's "competence.
" Because none of you have any.
You're all incompetent.
You'll never work in any field that has the word "advanced" in front of it.
You'll simply be overqualified dishwasher repairmen.
I keep telling you that and you keep coming back.
Well, don't.
Get out! - Now? - Now? Get out! Go.
Go! (STUDENTS MURMURING) Get out.
(DOOR CLOSES) Waste of a good triangular wave.
(LAUGHTER) How about this? I met one potential date, and he was perfect husband material.
I knew he was 'cause that's what his wife told me.
(LAUGHTER) Yes? No? Kind of an in-betweener.
Reject.
MAN: I'll marry you! Who's that? Cousin Shmuly? Come on, man, we've talked about this.
My manager's already heard from WNPO's Broadcast Standards.
That's the TV station's department of "Don't Be Funny.
" They told us nothing political, or controversial, or profane.
I've got this whole thing about my parents' sex life, that's probably not appropriate.
Good-bye.
Let me try this, this should work: - Does the Pope get hard-ons? - (LAUGHTER) I mean, it would explain the whole obsession with resurrection.
My people.
- All right.
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) - Could you all come with me to the telethon? - So Dr.
Benjamin.
- MIDGE: Dick Shawn's gonna be on before me.
- Yup.
You know, she told me you were tall, but she didn't tell me you were "fun house mirror" tall.
Height runs in my family.
Family of freaks.
Yup.
(MIMICS CARNIVAL BARKER): Step right up and see the carnival freaks.
Guess so.
You ever rehearse an argument you plan on having with someone in your head, and during the rehearsal you're perfectly reasonable and they're a jerk? And then the argument actually happens and they're reasonable but that's not how you rehearsed it, so you become the jerk? (LAUGHTER) - No, no.
- What? - Don't laugh.
- Why not? Wasn't funny.
Nope.
I call a joke like that a 50-percenter.
It's 50% there.
You get laughs from people who are drunk or super easy to please, but that's not good enough.
Not good enough for me, not good enough for her.
Nope, nope, nope.
Seemed funny to me.
And everyone around me.
Well, it wasn't.
Okay? It wasn't.
MIDGE: for the first time behind Midge Maisel.
Well, you are the worst audience I could have auditioned my TV-friendly material to, which is why I love you.
Thanks, guys.
Watch the telethon and even give some money to it, ya schnorrers.
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - Whoo! SUSIE: That's become a thing now, too.
Can't get between her and her public now, you know? They will break every over-elongated bone - in your body.
- She's a star in the making.
Yeah, I know that.
I'm telling you that.
So what did you think? I think we're gonna need a few more sessions.
Work out some of those kinks.
I was asking Benjamin.
Oh, sure, yeah.
I think you were sensational.
Gee, thanks.
So kiss her.
- Susie.
- That's okay.
No, kiss her.
Go ahead, it's fine.
- We're adults here, right? - (MIDGE CLEARS THROAT) Lay one on her, man.
Bend down and kiss her.
Pretty skimpy there.
Give her a big smacker, man.
There you go.
You were getting a Pope hard-on yourself, huh? Yeah.
I'll call you about work sessions.
Sure.
That's your manager? - You get used to her.
- Really? - Mm.
- So where do you want to go? - Let's go to your place.
- Every night.
Okay, one more time, you're supposed to ask for dinner first.
Can we have dinner at your place? - Sure.
- And can we skip dinner? - You're exhausting.
- (LAUGHS) (SINGERS VOCALIZING) Wow.
So this is really happening? - This is really happening.
- Talent? - You bet.
- You bring your sheet music? - She's not a singer.
Mrs.
Maisel? - I'm a comedian.
You're down for five minutes at 2150.
- At what? - We do military time.
2150 is 9:50 at night.
If you get confused, just add the number 12 - to whatever time it is.
- Add what to what? - MAN (OVER MIC): Next.
- Follow me? Sure.
- I'm Sal.
- Nice to meet you.
This is Mrs.
Maisel, comedian.
She does five minutes at 2150, solo act.
- Any props? - Nope.
- Stand on the "X.
" - Okay.
- Mic check.
- One, two.
- MAN: Next.
- Thank you.
Oh, uh okay.
Wait.
We dragged ourselves down here at 8:00 in the morning, - and that's it? - That's it.
- I showered.
- Thank you for showering.
We'll see you tomorrow, 1600 hours.
When's that? Wait, Sal.
Things move fast in the television business.
- Ah, there it is.
- What? The control room.
Guys down at the deli told me they're the people you want to make friends with.
They control things.
Come on.
- How long is this guy's act? - WOMAN: Five minutes.
Does he say anything or just juggle? He just juggles, Dickie.
I got to know how high he's gonna throw those clubs.
Let's see how high he throws the clubs, Sal.
- Hi, guys! - Hey, what the hell.
- Who the hell is this? - What are you doing in here? - I'm Susie Myerson, manager to this budding young star.
- Hi.
- Will you get her out? - He can't throw 'em that high, Sal.
You'll take good care of her, boys? - Go! Go! - Get the fuck out of here! Carry on.
God, I hate jugglers.
That was a really good start on building a rapport with a key group of guys.
- Oh, my God.
- What? - MIDGE: Look who's here.
- Who is that? - MIDGE: Shy Baldwin.
- MAN: Next! The singer? He's had, like, a hundred hits in the last year.
That's Shy Baldwin? For some reason, I thought he was fat.
- MIDGE: Why? - He sounded fat.
So there's gonna be some big stars on this thing.
Guess so.
(WHISTLES) I'm getting nervous.
Don't say that.
Just being honest.
I'm getting nervous.
But when you get nervous, I get nervous.
Don't be a copycat.
Be your own person.
I'm not a copycat.
It's just, you make me nervous.
- Well, then don't follow me.
- We came in the same car.
Then take the subway if I freak you out so much.
How's your health, Abe? It's tip-top, Simon.
Tip-top.
And Rose? And the kids? Is everyone well? Just fine.
Why? Because, Abe, you seem - to be teetering on the edge.
- That's one man's opinion.
It's actually a lot of people's opinion.
Who? What people? Your colleagues, your students, the administrative staff, the trustees, the university senate, the cleaning crew, the school doctor, the school nurse, the parking attendants I don't need the entire list, Simon.
There are simply a lot of people disturbed by your behavior.
Disturbed? That's a strong word, Simon.
Now please, cut to the chase here.
All right.
Now you eat the cheese? We've been sitting here for ten minutes, and suddenly You should consider a sabbatical.
I have one planned in two years.
Why don't you move it up? - My colleagues would complain.
- It was their suggestion.
And why would they suggest such a thing? Because the parking attendants told them to? Are you not listening? They're sick of you, Abe.
You asked me to cut to the chase.
I'm cutting to the chase.
We're all pretty goddamn sick of you, pardon my language.
- Loud.
- Look, you're a brilliant mathematician, but an uncooperative colleague and a very poor teacher.
- With tenure.
- What about it? - You can't fire me.
- I don't intend to.
(LAUGHS) What could possibly be funny about this, Abe? I was just thinking about the irony of tenure.
- What irony? - Well, for instance, the fact that I could take this cheese knife and stick it in your eye, and the university would still have to pay me.
I'd be in jail, but I'd still be paid.
Are you seriously thinking of doing that? No.
You hesitated.
Yes.
I did.
ROSE: Good-bye, Simon.
We'll see you soon.
He's done this before this "take a sabbatical" song and dance.
It's different this time.
And then you say that.
I will fix it.
- I threatened to stab him.
- With a cheese knife.
- It barely cuts cheese.
- Truman didn't even say good-bye.
Simon's wife loves that Belgian jelly.
I'll have it shipped.
I'll give it to her, sweet-talk her, she'll sweet-talk him, jelly will be eaten, all will be well, mm-hmm.
Belgian jelly.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING) Ethan, five-minute warning, kiddo! Every time he plays tag, he's "it.
" Then he won't chase people to tag them back, because he likes being "it.
" - It's all kind of pointless.
- BENJAMIN: Hi.
- Benjamin.
- Sorry.
I didn't mean to It's okay.
Hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What are you doing here? I called, and your mother said you were down here.
Can I sit? The bench is free to all, courtesy of the Parks Department.
CHILD: You're it! So which one's yours? Oh, gosh, any one of 'em could be.
I've had a lot of medical training, and I don't think that's right.
I'm "it," Mommy.
I'm assuming that's the one.
"Mommy" is a very common moniker down here.
Swing a dead cat.
This young lady next to me is "Mommy," as well.
Hi, Mommy.
Kids can't tell.
Too short.
Anyone with a skirt here is "Mommy," and anyone tall, wearing pants and looking worried about money is "Daddy.
" CHILD: Well, come on, tag me! - Are you okay? - I'm fine.
Is it that you don't want me to meet Ethan? He's kind of a jerk.
Just eats and sleeps and has no job.
- CHILD: You're it! - (DOG BARKING) Benjamin, I'm sorry.
This was just unexpected.
The skin you jumped out of when you saw me landed somewhere in Jersey.
I just haven't talked to their dad about you meeting the kids.
It would be an issue.
Do you understand? I do.
I don't date many mothers.
This is new for me, too.
CHILD: You're it! You've got to run! Let me ask you this.
If we were to, say, get engaged - Engaged? - Engaged.
You'd let me meet the kids then, right? "Yes" would be the answer.
Yes.
Okay.
So he's yours the one not chasing anybody? It's complicated.
CHILD: You can just sit here.
You can just tag us.
MIDGE: Mama, we're back! Don't run, Ethan.
He needs a bath.
Zelda will draw it for him.
Mama, Benjamin came down and surprised me at the park.
Oh, how nice.
No, not nice.
It was awkward.
I wasn't in the right frame of mind to see him.
What frame of mind do you need to be in? I'm just saying, when Benjamin calls, just take a message.
Don't give him my longitude and latitude.
I just said you were in the park with Ethan.
And if he called and I was in the bathroom, would you have him come over and walk in on me sitting on the ? - Miriam! Of course not.
- It's the same thing.
Bathrooms and parks are not the same.
Tell that to a dog.
Is all this from your comedy routine? It is now.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS) Burning the midnight oil.
It's only 11:45.
Take a break.
- I'm close to done.
- Take a break.
Hey, I'm your boss.
Technically, I'm your boss.
We're partnering right now, but it's still 55, 45.
- Just take a goddamn break.
- Fine.
You know that stupid building manager you made me hire when we bought this place? The guy just rented out the bottom floor to a grocery chain.
We're getting triple the rent I thought we'd get, plus a cut of sales.
- Guy knows the market.
- Just think of that.
They sell a carrot, and we get a check.
I never would have known to ask for that a cut of sales.
A building manager knows.
My son did, too.
(CLEARS THROAT) That's it? That's the big talk? Ah.
You remember your bar mitzvah? The big hall, the three rabbis.
Chopped liver shaped like Michelangelo's David? You went all out.
200 people, it added up.
And they all brought cash as a gift for you.
- Tradition says.
- And I took it all to pay for the hall.
- You probably don't remember this.
- I was sitting next to you when you rifled through the envelopes, Pop.
- I gave you a cut.
- You gave me a dollar.
- It was a fucking expensive hall.
- It was a great hall.
I kissed my first girl in that hall.
- No.
Who? - Letty Zuckerberg.
- With the braces? - That's why my mouth was bleeding.
I thought you got into a fight.
Why are you bringing all this up, Pop? Feeling nostalgic? I want to give you that money back.
My bar mitzvah money? I've forgotten about it.
It's more than that.
There was money for your high school graduation, too.
You never saw that.
Your college fund that paid for the new steam iron.
- Pop - There was money for your wedding.
Your grandmother left you some money.
You never knew that.
There was a coin collection from your uncle.
I sold the coins and kept the money.
Water under the bridge.
I'm working here, you're paying me well.
- I'm letting you go.
- What? I don't want you here.
Why? Why are you doing this? Why now? So you don't get stuck.
What's this? Something to soften the blow.
60 grand? - Yeah.
- Pop, this is a fortune.
- It's it's a house, it's - What I owe you.
Plus interest.
Plus guilt.
Plus more guilt.
- Lots of compounded guilt.
- Where'd you get it? (SCOFFS) Your mother's not the only one that hid money.
I don't think all that guilt adds up to 60 grand.
It does, and now you're free to do something that you want to do travel, go to graduate school, become a beatnik.
I don't care.
I'm doing okay here.
A little tired, but I'm Not where you should be.
Take your time, but get the hell out.
- (LIVELY CROWD CHATTER) - (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) And we're live in five, four, three, two Hello, and welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Third Annual Stop Arthritis and Rheumatism Telethon, broadcasting live from New York City.
As you can see, volunteers are ready to take your pledges.
That's the phone number flashing on the bottom of your screen.
Call any time in the next eight hours to start changing lives.
Stay tuned for an amazing variety of top-notch performers, but right now, let's get things off to an energetic start with The Phil Donnelly Dancers, demonstrating the latest dance craze The Bop! (INTRO TO "PINK SHOELACES" BY THE CHORDETTES PLAYS) Now I've got a guy and his name is Dooley He's my guy and I love him truly He's not good lookin', heaven knows But I'm wild about his crazy clothes He wears tan shoes with pink shoelaces A polka dot vest and So he said you add 12 to get the right time.
It's 4:00 in the afternoon now.
Add 12.
That means you're going on at 4:00 in the fucking morning? No, that's not right.
I'm on at 2150.
Right.
Add 12, which means you're on at 3350? That can't be right, either.
He meant subtract 12.
It's 4:00 now.
If you subtract 12, that means I go on at minus 8:00.
That doesn't make sense, either.
What the fuck's wrong with just saying the time? Pink shoelaces, a polka dot vest and man, oh, man Come on.
Let's check in with the gang.
- Mm.
- He wears tan shoes With pink shoelaces And a big Panama with a purple hat band DICKIE: Oy.
Get "B" to stop moving, Hank.
Hold that shot, "B.
" Stay right where you are.
Tell "A" to dolly back.
He's about to lose the two on the left.
Charlie, dolly back a smidge.
You're losing the group.
- Hi, guys.
- You can't be in here! So you may be wondering which side is my girl's good side.
Well, I'm here to tell you, there's no bad side.
DICKIE: Why is "A" still moving? - Pick an angle.
- And get them the fuck out of here! So, she's on around 10:00 to 33 o'clock.
Some shit like that.
We'll check back in later.
- Do not come back here! - Ridiculous! Dolly back.
Dolly back.
Tan shoes with pink shoelaces And a big Panama with a purple hat band Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh I'm gonna talk to the booker again, - make sure nothing's changed.
- I'll be here.
And a big Panama with a purple hat band.
(APPLAUSE) The Phil Donnelly Dancers! Thank you, gang.
Looks like phone calls are already coming in from our generous viewers.
Let's check in with one of our volunteers.
Lulu, tell us about the call.
Yes, Mason.
I just got off the phone with Ronny Johanssen from Jackson Heights.
He and his wife Betty are donating two dollars.
Two dollars! Thank you, Ronny and Betty.
Your money will go far.
- Folks, let me take some time - We gotta talk.
- right now to discuss with you - Ow.
Watch it.
a true scourge on our nation's health.
HANK: We'll have "B" and "C" at stage one for the singer.
- Is he wearing mascara? - Gets lonely out on the range.
- They're back, guys! - Get out of here! You're not gonna believe this.
- What is your problem?! - Damn it, do something! - Believe what? - Get out! - Oh, my God.
- It's too loud in here.
Come on.
- Yes! Go! Go! - Get the fuck out of here! MASON: of the joints, it becomes difficult to perform everyday tasks.
Many are unable to climb the stairs Susie, what is going on? Sophie Lennon is here.
- What? - Sophie fuckin' Lennon.
She was heading into some dressing room.
- Did she see you? - She didn't see me.
Why would she perform on this thing? Apparently, she's the national spokes-asshole for arthritis.
- And you didn't know that? - How am I supposed to know that? I don't know, you're my manager.
You're supposed to know these things.
Fred should have told me it's his job - to tell me these things.
- He doesn't work for you.
This is unbelievable.
What do we do? Back out? We're in too deep.
We'll look like flakes.
Well, she'll probably hole up in some dressing room till it's time for her to go on.
There are a million acts.
Let's just lie low, and she'll never know we were a part of this.
We were just getting over this.
Kept 'em warm for ya.
MASON: Trudy's a former high school gymnast - He's part of the broadcast? - I don't know.
It's New York.
Could be a gay hooker.
MASON: and basic gymnastic skills.
I'll admit that I choked up a little when I saw So, here I am.
Hi, Pop.
This okay? We could grab a table.
The bar is fine.
What can I get you? I'm buying.
Sun's still up.
Just a seltzer.
A seltzer, please.
Ice.
So? So, I have a British friend MI5? He uses a phrase when everything goes wrong with something.
He says it's gone "tits up.
" Tits up? Like an animal lying on its back, exposed, incapacitated.
You know, these days, everyone takes so long to get to their point.
Your Bell Labs project has gone tits up, Pop.
It's been canceled.
What? No one said anything about that.
No one had the guts to.
That's why I'm telling you.
They're just letting you twist in the wind.
They're hoping you'll leave, like you're leaving Columbia.
I'm not leaving Columbia.
I don't like what they're doing.
It's disrespectful.
Where did you hear this? I got a tip from a friend.
They're investigating, Pop.
Investigating what? You.
Me? They're going deep into your background.
I don't understand.
The stuff you did in your 20s, Pop.
Before you met Mom.
But I did good things in my 20s.
I was an activist.
I cared.
That's part of what they're interested in: what you cared about.
What's the precipitating factor here? Hang on to your hat.
It's Miriam.
Miriam who? Your daughter, Pop.
Midge.
She was performing somewhere in D.
C.
, and apparently she started talking about Bell Labs.
And your A.
I.
project.
There was a guy in the audience, someone connected to all this.
Then the club caught fire.
She set the club on fire? No.
I don't think.
I don't believe this.
Believe it.
How can you be so sure? 'Cause the guy who told me told me because I had a gun in his mouth.
My God, no.
Of course not, Pop! I'm kidding.
Geez Louise.
I can't joke anymore? It's okay if you've killed people.
I'm sure they had it coming.
- I don't kill people! - WOMAN: What did he say? - (QUIETLY): I don't I don't kill people.
- MAN: Says he kills people? I don't even put bullets in that damn gun.
I understand that you have to say that.
Look at me, Pop.
I'm an analyst.
I'm a good guy.
I'm still me.
I miss you, Pop.
You're my father.
I I want to get back to normal, and I don't want you to think I'm hiding things from you.
That's why I told you all this today.
I'm coming clean.
Gin.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) SOPHIE: Put that on your plate! I went on a cruise, and every meal was all-you-could-eat.
Once I missed breakfast because I was still eating dinner! - (LAUGHTER) - If I'd have been on the Titanic, I would have gone down with the buffet! - (LAUGHTER) - The captain asked me to participate in a safety demonstration.
- I played the iceberg.
- (LAUGHTER) Put that on your plate! I used to think she was funny, but it's the same joke over and over.
No new take, no spin.
Bullshit.
They say you are what you eat.
Well, that makes me Chinese, Mexican, Italian, French and roadkill! - (LAUGHTER) - Put that on your plate! Huh? (LAUGHS) So, you want to hear about my new husband? - AUDIENCE: Yeah! - Okay! You asked for it! I told him I wanted him to make me scream in the bedroom.
So he put a sheet over his head, cut out two eyeholes and yelled, "Boo!" - Put that on your plate! - (APPLAUSE) - Susie.
- Nicky.
- Is this a small world, or what? - You look rested.
- I just got out of the clink.
- Miriam, this is Nicky, - one of the guys who was gonna kill me.
- Oh.
I've heard a lot about you.
Nice to meet you.
You got a sharp one.
So, what are you doing here? Rifling purses? No.
I'm doing security for Sophie Lennon.
- Oh.
- Okay.
It's mostly just asking fans to step back a little.
I haven't gotten to beat the shit out of anyone in weeks.
That's too bad.
I know how much you enjoy that.
Well, I got to get back to my post.
I'll see ya.
- Nice meeting you.
- Oh.
Hey.
I almost forgot why I came over here.
Sophie said to say hi.
- To us? - Yeah.
Should I say hi back? (QUIETLY): Sure.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, WHOOPING) MASON: Ladies and gentlemen, Sophie Lennon! - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - I can't hear you.
Ha-ha-ha! That was wonderful, just wonderful.
Thank you.
(LAUGHS) You are still a hoot.
Mrs.
Maisel, let's get you to the phone bank.
Oh.
Sure.
- My hair good? - It's fine.
I'm gonna be on camera, Susie.
Look close.
It's big, it's bouncy, it's good.
(WHISPERS): Let's go, let's go.
- MASON: Sophie Lennon, ladies and gentlemen.
- I'm going.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) When the phone rings, you answer.
Be nice, be brief.
Get a name, a number, a mailing address and the amount of the pledge.
- Got it.
- Spot number six.
MASON: Well, I'm sorry, Sophie.
- I'm happily married.
- Is it as fun as it looks? SOPHIE: Not me.
I'm haphazardly married.
Hello.
Arthritis Telethon.
Well, thank you, ma'am.
What's your name? Sophie Lennon, ladies and gentlemen.
You'll be seeing a little more of her later on in a special segment.
- Thanks, Sophie.
- Oh, anytime, Mason.
- Oh! Ha-ha-ha! - (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) Look at that, ladies and gentlemen.
Sophie has really pulled in the dollars for our cause.
We have passed $45,000.
- AUDIENCE: Wow! Whoa! - And we're still climbing.
As you can see, our celebrities and volunteers are hard at work, taking your calls.
Let's put the number on the screen again.
We're in the last few hours, folks, so dig deep in those pockets - and help the afflicted.
- What the fuck? It looks like our singing cowboy, Waylon Jones, is rustling up a few pledges.
Let's mosey on over and chew the chaw with him.
- What the fuck?! - MASON: Well, you had a great big smile on your face during that last call who were you speaking with, Waylon? Well, Mason, I was on the horn just now with a little lady from Brooklyn.
Her name is Rhonda.
She's nine years old, and she's giving us every penny in her penny jar.
- List 'em off, Irene.
- Next hour is Shy, then Dick Shawn.
- Comedian? - Comedian.
Hour three, we've got - our folk duo, our Shakespearean players - Hey.
- You can't be in here.
- What the hell? - Where is security? - I thought I had a good relationship with you guys, but I'm not happy here! - Get out! - You can't be in here! You can't see my fucking girl! Move the camera over! It doesn't work that way.
Move your girl.
- Sal put her there.
- Then talk to Sal.
I will.
I'll go talk to Sal.
Believe me, - I'm getting to the bottom of this! - Do not come back! MAN: Who wants to bet Waylon's from Yonkers? Well, for starters, I'm fixin' to put out a new record album.
- I call it One-Horse Town.
- MASON: One-Horse Town? WAYLON: Yes, sir.
By Waylon Jones.
SAL: Playback should be cued and ready to go.
- Make sure they know.
- Hey, Sal.
- Shh.
- What the fuck's with this chair situation? - My girl's off camera.
- It wasn't my call.
- Whose call was it? - I don't know.
Someone.
- Yeah.
Someone.
- While you're at it, you might want to check the schedule board, too.
- There's been changes.
- Changes? (INTRO TO "YOUNGER THAN SPRINGTIME" PLAYING) Now, ladies and gentlemen, the great Shy Baldwin.
I touch your hand And my arms grow strong Like a pair of birds That burst with charm My eyes look down At your lovely face And I hold The world In my embrace Younger than springtime Are you Softer than starlight Are you Warmer than winds of June Are the gentle lips You gave me Gayer than laughter - Hey.
- Susie.
Get back.
If they cut over here, you'll be on camera.
I know for a fact that I'm not on camera, 'cause I'm on the other side of you, and you're not on camera.
- What? - She's fucking with us.
Sophie.
- Sophie? - She's turned the whole place against us.
My phone's not ringing.
- It's not even connected.
- That's not all.
You're bumped to the end of the broadcast.
11:55.
Why didn't she just kick us out altogether? Because she's a sadist.
It's death by a thousand cuts.
- How do we fight this? - We can't.
Fuck it.
And fuck her.
You'll do your 11:55 spot.
We'll go get loaded after.
It'll be a story you tell on The Tonight Show in ten years.
- Can't wait.
- At the very least, I'm gonna get your phone up and running.
Some old fart with gnarled hands shouldn't have to suffer because Sophie's an asshole.
Am I Gayer than laughter Am I Angel and lover Heaven and earth Have I With You (SONG ENDS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) MASON: It's all about them, folks.
The sufferers.
The people whose days and nights are filled with the anguish of arthritis and rheumatism.
And right now, the great Sophie Lennon invites you to join her for a chat with a few very special guests.
Sophie? Hello! - OTHERS: Hi, Sophie.
- (CHUCKLING) Oh, look at you beautiful people.
How does it feel to have these good folks - helping you out like this? - PAUL: Wonderful, Sophie.
It means the world to us to have so many people care.
Mmm.
But your life has challenges.
Sometimes my arthritis gets so darn bad, I'm completely immobilized.
Immobilized? That sounds like honeymoon night with husbands two, four, and seven.
(LAUGHING) And seven turned out to be dead! (SOPHIE CHUCKLES) Speaking of that, which of you two fellas is gonna be Sophie's number nine after number eight kicks off, huh? I choose - you! - (CHUCKLES) You'll be easier to catch.
- Ow! (LAUGHS) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Put that on your plate! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (SOPHIE LAUGHS) - Oh.
- Oh.
So, what's a typical day like for you? Judy? People take for granted the daily pleasures: driving to the store, walking up a flight of steps.
I haven't done either one of those things in years.
I I can't even Can't even what, my darling? I can't even pick up my baby grandson.
AUDIENCE: Aw I'm sorry, folks, but you're gonna see old Soph get a little emotional right now.
(FORCED CRYING) (WHIMPERS) (GROANS) (FORCED CRYING) Oh, arthritis! (FORCED SOB): Oh! Uh Ah! Here we are.
So That was uncomfortable to watch.
I'm off to the ladies'.
I'll just vomit right here.
(TOILET FLUSHING) (SOPHIE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE) (TOILET FLUSHING) - (HUMMING SOFTLY) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I'm sorry.
I have to introduce myself, because I am your biggest fan.
Actually, my mother is your biggest fan.
She even listens to your Christmas album.
But, oh, my God, Shy Baldwin, you are phenomenal.
You are amazing.
You are terrified by the crazy woman next to you.
Am I in the wrong place? I don't know.
Where are you supposed to be? - Ladies' room.
- You're in the right place.
I'm in the wrong place.
You guys have the bigger mirrors.
Always smells better, too.
Mm.
- (CHUCKLES) A lot better.
- (CHUCKLES) My mother does think the world of you.
Oh, mothers do love me.
- I'm a mother, too.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- You'd never know.
And how are you involved in all this, honey? - I'm a comedian.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, I love comedians.
Always open my show with a comedian.
Had Moms Mabley at the Apollo.
Audience fell out of their seats.
Moms Mabley.
Mental note.
She's the real thing.
Sees the world, tells the truth.
Nothing like that buzz saw out there.
What buzz saw? Sophie? Can't stand that cracker comedy of hers.
She was telling the same jokes when I was singing in the subway.
And they weren't fresh then.
I bumped into her in Paris.
I swear, a dozen diamonds fell out of her ass.
Your race can have her.
She a friend of yours? Should've asked that first.
Not by a long shot.
(CHUCKLES) What's your name? Midge.
Midge Maisel.
You break a leg tonight, Midge.
And thanks for the spritz.
A little summertime in the fall.
Thank you for the music.
Wow, that sounded dumb.
Not when you say it, sugar.
(DOOR CLOSES) (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) What a treat to see such grace and beauty I have got to pee or I'm gonna explode.
Dickie, go.
Bird girl's gonna be up there - for the next five minutes.
- Four.
- Four.
- DICKIE: Why is the bathroom always so far from the control room? - Why do they do that to us? - HANK: You heard the story about Smitty, - how he kept a bucket underneath the console? - IRENE: Ew.
- DICKIE: I'd use a bucket at this point.
- Hey.
- We've got to call someone.
- Get out! Which way's the VIP green room? Make a "U" at the base of the stairs and then a left at the hallway.
- Thanks.
- DICKIE: Jesus.
Almost made me pee my fucking pants.
- Hey.
- I beg your pardon.
Midge Maisel.
You're interrupting my steam.
Oh.
Sorry.
Better? Better.
Thank you.
I just want to tell you something, lady.
If you ever knock Midge Maisel down again, if you ban her from another club or sit her ass off camera on a telethon, I will grab you and Harry Drake by your fucking necks and squeeze until you're both fucking dead! Lower your voice.
Then I'll take your limp bodies, set 'em on fire, and throw 'em in the Gowanus Canal! - Are you done? - Then I'll fish 'em out of the canal, tie 'em to the front of a truck, and crash 'em into a bed of spikes.
I think, at this point, Harry and I are both quite dead.
Why are you doing this? You live in a mansion.
You have a chauffeured limousine, a closet full of fat suits.
Why are you so obsessed with her? She bad-mouthed me, and it got into the press.
Well, grow some balls, lady, and stop with all your tricks.
- What tricks? - You send tough guys, I take down tough guys.
You bar us from clubs, I get us back in those clubs.
You put up walls, I tear 'em down.
You threaten her, you threaten me.
You threaten me, I'll punch your fake tits so hard your real tits'll feel it! Count on it! - (CHUCKLES) - Something funny? - Mm.
- You should put it in your act.
It'll shock the audience.
I will do anything I have to do to protect Midge.
She's gonna work her way up Midtown, she's gonna headline the Copa, she is gonna headline tours.
Put that on your plate.
You're her manager.
You should have told her to apologize.
All of this would have ended months ago.
I am not gonna make my client apologize for what is gonna make her a star.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) ("GRANDSTAND" BY ANTHONY W.
MAWER PLAYING) - So, you ready to kill 'em? - I think so.
- 'Cause there are five people watching at home.
- (CLEARS THROAT) I want you to slay all five of them.
- They won't know what hit 'em.
- Two of them are older guys with their hands down their pants.
So, a minute after you come on screen, they're gonna come on screen.
Hey, that's a good joke.
I'm stealing that for another night.
The cameramen are drunk.
This is insane.
(SONG ENDS) (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) Well done, girls.
Ladies and gentlemen, what a fabulous night.
Let's take a look at the final count on our tally board.
Close to $78,000! - (FANFARE PLAYS) - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Wonderful! Look at that you're following the confetti! I'm the sweeper! Are we wrapping early? It's 11:55.
There's actually one more act.
That girl comedian.
Oh, shit.
That's right.
What did this poor woman do to get this slot? We thank you for your generosity and support Wait, almost forgot.
Uh, please give a warm welcome to Mrs.
Maisel! - (APPLAUSE) - (CLEARS THROAT) (MIDGE CLEARS THROAT) (CHUCKLES) Thank you.
- Thank you, lady and gentleman.
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) So very professional of me to come on camera already laughing, as if something funny just happened off camera that you didn't see.
And you never get to know what it was.
- (LAUGHTER) - So you're frustrated.
You're tired, and they've already blown through the confetti, so it's nothing but downhill from here.
- (QUIETLY): Get off.
Get off.
- And thanks to those of you at home - who are still conscious.
- You're on camera.
And for those of you at home who aren't conscious but are still in front of your TVs, vote for Kennedy.
Vote for Kennedy.
Was that political? That was political.
- She can't do that.
- (CHUCKLES) Ballsy.
So, this is the first time I've ever been on television.
There's no way you could possibly know that.
Because, you see, television demands an unerring instinct for knowing where the camera is, at all times.
It's not something you can learn.
It's pure instinct.
So, I am not a singer.
You would know that if I, well, sang.
I am actually a comedian.
I talk to people for a living.
Not that I'm making a living.
Really, this whole comedian thing was all just a ruse to get on this telethon today.
Mason, I'll take that $78,000 now in small bills.
- (LAUGHS) - Arthritis be damned.
That's right.
This is an extremely unlikely stickup.
The only witnesses being some drunk cameramen, three sailors on leave, and 14 people half-asleep in front of their TVs.
- (LAUGHING) - She's good.
She's a natural.
She's all that.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Phones are ringing and nobody's answering.
Not good.
That's money left on the table.
Come on with me, everybody.
- Let's see who we've got calling here.
- Excuse us.
Hello and welcome to the telethon.
Oh, you made a mistake calling a comedian.
My refrigerator is not running, sir.
Bye, now.
Hello and welcome to the telethon.
No, Rabbi, this is not a good time.
L'chaim.
Hello.
Oh, Mr.
Graham Bell.
Thank you so much for making tonight possible.
Without you and arthritis, I'd be sitting at home, bored out of my mind.
Love to Watson.
(LAUGHTER) I was very instrumental in making this happen.
She's Mrs.
Maisel! Mrs.
Maisel is Mrs.
Maisel! She answers phones and tells jokes.
What can't she do? I can't talk right now.
I'm on a telethon.
Got to go.
(LAUGHTER) Holy fucking Christ.
MIDGE: Hello? Sorry, hard to hear you over the bongos.
Yes, the telethon will be over soon, Mr.
Belafonte.
Trust me, daylight come and I want to go home.
Hello, and welcome to the telethon.
Will I marry you? Well, how much are you gonna pledge? Put in an extra $20 and a Bendel's handbag and you got yourself a wife.
Hello, and welcome to the telethon.
Oh, you're downstairs.
Perfect.
Hey, can someone go downstairs and grab my Chinese food delivery? - It's two bucks plus tip.
- (NEIGHBORS LAUGHING) Hello.
Aunt Hannah.
No, I don't know Eddie Fisher.
Yes, he's on TV sometimes, too, - but he's not in the TV with me.
- (LAUGHING) Hello, and welcome to the telethon.
Moses.
Hi.
What an honor.
I had no idea you had arthritis.
So this is really happening.
MIDGE: if you took two tablets.
No kidding.
Thank you for your pledge.
- Where do I go now? - Who's that? My wife.
- You're married? - Shh.
MIDGE: No, I'm not interested in the Encyclopedia Britannica, thank you.
I started reading it once and couldn't get through it.
Good-bye.
(LAUGHTER ONSCREEN) Hello, and welcome to the telethon.
Yes, thank you for calling to confirm.
I do need a table for 12 at Keens Steakhouse for tomorrow night.
I'm taking every single person who's still watching this thing out for a nice steak dinner.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Take it from there, guys.
Hmm.
Okay, this telethon's actually gone on so long we're raising money for the cameramen's arthritis now.
- (MOUTHING) - And now the stage manager's going like this.
We all know what that means in show business.
- Whoopee! - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's whoopee time, everybody.
Everybody make whoopee.
(CHEERING, WHISTLING) No, actually, I think they want me to wrap it up.
Thank you for watching, everybody.
I'm Mrs.
Maisel.
Thank you for giving.
Good night.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Mrs.
Maisel, everyone! That was wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Just wonderful.
Who knew there were people who were still up? We've never had this many calls so late.
We'll keep our phones manned, so keep calling.
And thank you and tune in next year for our fourth annual Stop Arthritis and Rheumatism Telethon.
Good night.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's call it a day, guys.
- Bye, Susie.
- See ya, Irene.
Hope my wife stayed up for that.
She'd love it.
- Nice job, guys.
- Make her stick to the script next time? - Never.
- Long day.
- We going to the place? - Sound department's going.
Was it good? I couldn't tell.
I moved a lot.
Was that bad? Did they hate me? It was good.
They loved you.
Sal looked mad when I went over to the phone bank.
Did it work? Could you hear me? Trust me, it was great.
It was almost better that I went on later.
The circumstances were bad, but the pressure was off.
The day sucked ass, but this and taking down Sophie (CLICKS TONGUE) made it all worthwhile.
Let's get a drink.
Whoa, whoa.
Who took down Sophie? I took down Sophie.
When? Where? Walked into her dressing room.
By the way, I'm getting you one of those next time.
- But why? - What do you mean, why? We were gonna let it go.
That stuck-up twat had it coming.
We were getting past the whole thing.
Why antagonize her again? What's the point? That's the point.
I'm your manager, and it was time to fight the fuck back.
We were playing more clubs.
I was on TV.
Let me remind you that you started this fight.
I'm just finishing it.
We going for that drink? I'm tired.
Oh, come on.
You can't be serious.
I can't? Fine.
Be like that.
I'll drink enough for the both of us.
(DOOR OPENS) ("CITIES IN DUST" BY SIOUXSIE AND THE BANSHEES PLAYING) Water was running Children were running You were running out of time Under the mountain A golden fountain Were you praying at the Lares shrine? But oh-oh Oh, your city lies in dust My friend Oh-oh Oh, your city lies in dust My friend We found you hiding We found you lying Choking on the dirt and sand Your former glories and all the stories Dragged and washed with eager hands But oh-oh Oh, your city lies in dust My friend Oh-oh Oh, your city lies in dust My friend Your city lies in dust Water was running Children were running We found you hiding We found you lying Water was running.
- What guy? That guy that told you about that thing that day.
That thing about the weird dude and his weird friend - doing that dumb thing? - Then you told me and I told you I'd already heard about it, and you said it was a different thing but it wasn't? - Oh, yeah.
- What's his name? I forget.
I don't know.
Something to do with fish.
- Oh, that's gonna bother me.
- FRED: Hey, Susie.
You hear about the big arthritis telethon on WNPO next Tuesday? They're looking for acts but spots are going fast.
A spot? On TV? That would be sensational.
Why am I just hearing about this? Just heard it myself.
Margie the booker's at table six.
You gotta give me a heads-up about these things, Fred.
I don't work for you! Margie, Susie Myerson.
I rep a comic that would be great for the telethon.
She's an up-and-comer.
Get someone I know to vouch for her and maybe I'll work her in.
Piece of cake.
Dougie, you know Margie? From way back.
She's doing the telethon.
- Go vouch for my girl? - Done deal.
Yes.
- MIDGE: Well? - It's in the bag.
That's fantastic.
- It's dead.
Dougie said.
- What? Why? FRED: Margie hates Dougie.
You should have gone to Kenny.
It's your job to keep me up to date on these things, Fred.
I don't work for you! Oh, you gotta Shit.
- Where's Margie? - Must've left.
Her assistant's at table 12.
She can pull the trigger.
Good thing for you, Fred.
I don't work for you! Listen.
I've got a hot gal with a lot of talent for you.
Get the hell away from my table.
- Bitch.
- (SCOFFS) The chick's a stiff.
Wait, did I say table 12? I meant table ten.
Hey! - Kenny, you get along with Margie? - I love Margie.
- You'll vouch for my girl? - Sure thing.
Thanks.
Hey, sorry about the bitch thing.
- Margie's assistant? - Who's askin'? Have I got a comic for the telethon.
Kenny'll vouch for her.
- Kenny? - Problem? - Cindy likes you.
- Margie's girl? - Take her to dinner? Thanks.
- Why not? - I got you dinner with Kenny.
- Hey, neat.
My girl's name is Maisel.
I'll tell Margie to slot her in.
Good deal.
- Done.
- Done? Done.
- Joey Mackerel.
- That's the guy's name.
I was right about fish.
I was thinking branzino.
Mm.
Joey Branzino's someone else.
He's not even in the business.
MIDGE: Why are so many guys here named after fish? SUSIE: Beats me.
- There you go.
- Thank you, Zelda.
The potatoes certainly look nice and fluffy.
I know that's how you like them, Mrs.
Weissman.
Thank you, Zelda.
You're welcome.
Zelda seems subtly hostile to me this week.
How do you figure? The way she served the potatoes.
Yours, she served gently; mine, she slopped down like we're in Attica.
Oh, she didn't.
Yours are still nice and fluffy.
Mine have lost all their fluffy.
Mine, she slopped down a little, too.
But you got a "there you go.
" And so did your mother.
I didn't get a "there you go.
" - You're imagining this, Abe.
- I like a nice "there you go.
" Or even an enthusiastic "enjoy.
" - Start a new subject, Miriam.
- Well there's a telethon next week.
You hear about it? Ugh.
That Jerry Lewis thing? He's so loud.
ROSE: And I don't like those facial distortions of his, and that crazy voice; it feels desperate.
Jerry Lewis is muscular dystrophy.
This is a telethon for arthritis and rheumatism.
- Oh, such a good cause.
- A very good cause.
Your mother's family suffers from it, you know.
- Great Aunt Pearl.
- Poor woman with those gnarled hands.
One day she picked up a Kiddush cup and she couldn't set it down for two years.
ABE: We should donate.
Those dollars are so important for research.
Mm-hmm.
How do we do that? Call the broadcast? Probably.
There'll be phone banks and celebrity guests and performers, all volunteering their time.
- Wonderful.
- So selfless.
- I'll be one of them.
- One of what? One of the performers.
I'll be performing on the telethon.
Doing comedy.
Can I use the Kiddush cup bit? Some of them are scams.
- What are? - These telethons.
They take the money and line their own pockets.
- Jerry Lewis has multiple homes.
- Mama, that's ridiculous.
And those telethons look so cheap.
The cameramen never know what to focus on.
- Not true.
- And no one's ever died from arthritis.
Aunt Pearl lived to be 90.
Just her head and neck worked at the end, but it's all she needed for a full life.
Excuse me.
Mind if I join you? Anything wrong, Miss Miriam? Try everything.
Could you be a little more dramatic? Sure.
Let me grab my toga and conjure up a little Coriolanus for you.
You can't eat with the children.
- Why not? - They're not used to it.
You'll scare them.
Will it scare you if I join you for dinner? No.
Thank you.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Miriam, why are you being so sensitive? Stupid me, I thought the telethon was a good way for you to see your daughter perform from the comfort of your home, but what do I know? Are you even ready to appear on television? There's only one way to find out.
And your act is clean enough for television? The act is clean; however, I do it in the nude.
That you say that in front of your son.
You've seen me nude, right, buddy? Yes.
There you go.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) That's really improved.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) No, I get it.
The electrical grid is taxed, you're forcing brownouts, but can you spread them out a little? Every hot summer day, we get hit.
Ten beats eight, Grandma takes.
No, I get it, but are you browning out the Upper East Side on a daily basis, too? I'm guessing no.
Six beats three.
This is turning into a rout.
Trucks are backed up at the loading dock.
- Are you aware of this? - I am now.
This isn't disrespect.
I'm just trying to keep my business running.
- Con Ed? - Emphasis on the "Con.
" - Ace beats queen.
Eat it, son.
- Ma! That your lunch? Or yesterday's lunch? Can we start over? I really want to solve this.
How 'bout I deal with the trucks.
I'll go down in a second.
Ha! You lose again.
I'm whomping your ass.
Really, Ma, playing War with him shouldn't be scarier than actual war.
He has to learn about losing.
Losing is a part of life.
I'm dealing with the trucks.
Then I want to talk to you later, okay? No, no, no.
Don't put me on hold.
- Later, we'll talk? - Yes, fine.
Because when you put me on hold, you forget about me, and I got to start the whole process over again.
Okay.
You want to make this interesting? Ask Daddy for cash.
(SIGHS) Guys, I've been over and over this, but I'm just not understanding why Why what, Abe? Why we're still waiting on all our equipment.
Must be a backlog.
Hey, Abe, four-letter word, mountain range in Russia.
- Ural.
- Yes.
I checked in with all the other teams.
They're not experiencing backlogs.
BOTH: One, two, three, four, we declare a thumb war.
(PHONE RINGS) A.
I.
Nine, this is Devlin.
Uh-huh.
Got it.
Yes, yes, I understand.
Will do.
Thanks.
- What was that? - Wrong number.
Okay.
Carry on.
(BELL TOLLS IN DISTANCE) Continuing from last lecture, let us consider a periodic triangular wave function.
Now, can anyone tell me what property of this function we can exploit to reduce our Fourier series? Truman? Truman? Where is Truman? Is he late? And where are the others? Wasn't this class bigger? - It used to be.
- I won't put up with tardiness.
- I won't.
- None of us were late.
- STUDENT: Except you.
- Who said that? Come on, who said it? Be man enough to come up here so I can box your ears.
Let the record show that there are no men in Abraham Weissman's Advanced Differential Equations course.
Just a sad collection of fatuous, imbecilic, puerile, blithering milksops.
- And for the last time - (SLAPS TABLE) where is Truman? - He's transferred.
- Transferred? Why? His mother said it was taking too much out of him.
His mother And why are all of you still here? Hmm? Lance? Abbie? Whoever the hell said "except you"? Why are you here? I have one more math problem for all of you to solve.
Ready? Here it is.
"All of you " plus "X" equals "competence.
" Solve for "X.
" What is "X"? It's "competence.
" Because none of you have any.
You're all incompetent.
You'll never work in any field that has the word "advanced" in front of it.
You'll simply be overqualified dishwasher repairmen.
I keep telling you that and you keep coming back.
Well, don't.
Get out! - Now? - Now? Get out! Go.
Go! (STUDENTS MURMURING) Get out.
(DOOR CLOSES) Waste of a good triangular wave.
(LAUGHTER) How about this? I met one potential date, and he was perfect husband material.
I knew he was 'cause that's what his wife told me.
(LAUGHTER) Yes? No? Kind of an in-betweener.
Reject.
MAN: I'll marry you! Who's that? Cousin Shmuly? Come on, man, we've talked about this.
My manager's already heard from WNPO's Broadcast Standards.
That's the TV station's department of "Don't Be Funny.
" They told us nothing political, or controversial, or profane.
I've got this whole thing about my parents' sex life, that's probably not appropriate.
Good-bye.
Let me try this, this should work: - Does the Pope get hard-ons? - (LAUGHTER) I mean, it would explain the whole obsession with resurrection.
My people.
- All right.
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) - Could you all come with me to the telethon? - So Dr.
Benjamin.
- MIDGE: Dick Shawn's gonna be on before me.
- Yup.
You know, she told me you were tall, but she didn't tell me you were "fun house mirror" tall.
Height runs in my family.
Family of freaks.
Yup.
(MIMICS CARNIVAL BARKER): Step right up and see the carnival freaks.
Guess so.
You ever rehearse an argument you plan on having with someone in your head, and during the rehearsal you're perfectly reasonable and they're a jerk? And then the argument actually happens and they're reasonable but that's not how you rehearsed it, so you become the jerk? (LAUGHTER) - No, no.
- What? - Don't laugh.
- Why not? Wasn't funny.
Nope.
I call a joke like that a 50-percenter.
It's 50% there.
You get laughs from people who are drunk or super easy to please, but that's not good enough.
Not good enough for me, not good enough for her.
Nope, nope, nope.
Seemed funny to me.
And everyone around me.
Well, it wasn't.
Okay? It wasn't.
MIDGE: for the first time behind Midge Maisel.
Well, you are the worst audience I could have auditioned my TV-friendly material to, which is why I love you.
Thanks, guys.
Watch the telethon and even give some money to it, ya schnorrers.
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - Whoo! SUSIE: That's become a thing now, too.
Can't get between her and her public now, you know? They will break every over-elongated bone - in your body.
- She's a star in the making.
Yeah, I know that.
I'm telling you that.
So what did you think? I think we're gonna need a few more sessions.
Work out some of those kinks.
I was asking Benjamin.
Oh, sure, yeah.
I think you were sensational.
Gee, thanks.
So kiss her.
- Susie.
- That's okay.
No, kiss her.
Go ahead, it's fine.
- We're adults here, right? - (MIDGE CLEARS THROAT) Lay one on her, man.
Bend down and kiss her.
Pretty skimpy there.
Give her a big smacker, man.
There you go.
You were getting a Pope hard-on yourself, huh? Yeah.
I'll call you about work sessions.
Sure.
That's your manager? - You get used to her.
- Really? - Mm.
- So where do you want to go? - Let's go to your place.
- Every night.
Okay, one more time, you're supposed to ask for dinner first.
Can we have dinner at your place? - Sure.
- And can we skip dinner? - You're exhausting.
- (LAUGHS) (SINGERS VOCALIZING) Wow.
So this is really happening? - This is really happening.
- Talent? - You bet.
- You bring your sheet music? - She's not a singer.
Mrs.
Maisel? - I'm a comedian.
You're down for five minutes at 2150.
- At what? - We do military time.
2150 is 9:50 at night.
If you get confused, just add the number 12 - to whatever time it is.
- Add what to what? - MAN (OVER MIC): Next.
- Follow me? Sure.
- I'm Sal.
- Nice to meet you.
This is Mrs.
Maisel, comedian.
She does five minutes at 2150, solo act.
- Any props? - Nope.
- Stand on the "X.
" - Okay.
- Mic check.
- One, two.
- MAN: Next.
- Thank you.
Oh, uh okay.
Wait.
We dragged ourselves down here at 8:00 in the morning, - and that's it? - That's it.
- I showered.
- Thank you for showering.
We'll see you tomorrow, 1600 hours.
When's that? Wait, Sal.
Things move fast in the television business.
- Ah, there it is.
- What? The control room.
Guys down at the deli told me they're the people you want to make friends with.
They control things.
Come on.
- How long is this guy's act? - WOMAN: Five minutes.
Does he say anything or just juggle? He just juggles, Dickie.
I got to know how high he's gonna throw those clubs.
Let's see how high he throws the clubs, Sal.
- Hi, guys! - Hey, what the hell.
- Who the hell is this? - What are you doing in here? - I'm Susie Myerson, manager to this budding young star.
- Hi.
- Will you get her out? - He can't throw 'em that high, Sal.
You'll take good care of her, boys? - Go! Go! - Get the fuck out of here! Carry on.
God, I hate jugglers.
That was a really good start on building a rapport with a key group of guys.
- Oh, my God.
- What? - MIDGE: Look who's here.
- Who is that? - MIDGE: Shy Baldwin.
- MAN: Next! The singer? He's had, like, a hundred hits in the last year.
That's Shy Baldwin? For some reason, I thought he was fat.
- MIDGE: Why? - He sounded fat.
So there's gonna be some big stars on this thing.
Guess so.
(WHISTLES) I'm getting nervous.
Don't say that.
Just being honest.
I'm getting nervous.
But when you get nervous, I get nervous.
Don't be a copycat.
Be your own person.
I'm not a copycat.
It's just, you make me nervous.
- Well, then don't follow me.
- We came in the same car.
Then take the subway if I freak you out so much.
How's your health, Abe? It's tip-top, Simon.
Tip-top.
And Rose? And the kids? Is everyone well? Just fine.
Why? Because, Abe, you seem - to be teetering on the edge.
- That's one man's opinion.
It's actually a lot of people's opinion.
Who? What people? Your colleagues, your students, the administrative staff, the trustees, the university senate, the cleaning crew, the school doctor, the school nurse, the parking attendants I don't need the entire list, Simon.
There are simply a lot of people disturbed by your behavior.
Disturbed? That's a strong word, Simon.
Now please, cut to the chase here.
All right.
Now you eat the cheese? We've been sitting here for ten minutes, and suddenly You should consider a sabbatical.
I have one planned in two years.
Why don't you move it up? - My colleagues would complain.
- It was their suggestion.
And why would they suggest such a thing? Because the parking attendants told them to? Are you not listening? They're sick of you, Abe.
You asked me to cut to the chase.
I'm cutting to the chase.
We're all pretty goddamn sick of you, pardon my language.
- Loud.
- Look, you're a brilliant mathematician, but an uncooperative colleague and a very poor teacher.
- With tenure.
- What about it? - You can't fire me.
- I don't intend to.
(LAUGHS) What could possibly be funny about this, Abe? I was just thinking about the irony of tenure.
- What irony? - Well, for instance, the fact that I could take this cheese knife and stick it in your eye, and the university would still have to pay me.
I'd be in jail, but I'd still be paid.
Are you seriously thinking of doing that? No.
You hesitated.
Yes.
I did.
ROSE: Good-bye, Simon.
We'll see you soon.
He's done this before this "take a sabbatical" song and dance.
It's different this time.
And then you say that.
I will fix it.
- I threatened to stab him.
- With a cheese knife.
- It barely cuts cheese.
- Truman didn't even say good-bye.
Simon's wife loves that Belgian jelly.
I'll have it shipped.
I'll give it to her, sweet-talk her, she'll sweet-talk him, jelly will be eaten, all will be well, mm-hmm.
Belgian jelly.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING) Ethan, five-minute warning, kiddo! Every time he plays tag, he's "it.
" Then he won't chase people to tag them back, because he likes being "it.
" - It's all kind of pointless.
- BENJAMIN: Hi.
- Benjamin.
- Sorry.
I didn't mean to It's okay.
Hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What are you doing here? I called, and your mother said you were down here.
Can I sit? The bench is free to all, courtesy of the Parks Department.
CHILD: You're it! So which one's yours? Oh, gosh, any one of 'em could be.
I've had a lot of medical training, and I don't think that's right.
I'm "it," Mommy.
I'm assuming that's the one.
"Mommy" is a very common moniker down here.
Swing a dead cat.
This young lady next to me is "Mommy," as well.
Hi, Mommy.
Kids can't tell.
Too short.
Anyone with a skirt here is "Mommy," and anyone tall, wearing pants and looking worried about money is "Daddy.
" CHILD: Well, come on, tag me! - Are you okay? - I'm fine.
Is it that you don't want me to meet Ethan? He's kind of a jerk.
Just eats and sleeps and has no job.
- CHILD: You're it! - (DOG BARKING) Benjamin, I'm sorry.
This was just unexpected.
The skin you jumped out of when you saw me landed somewhere in Jersey.
I just haven't talked to their dad about you meeting the kids.
It would be an issue.
Do you understand? I do.
I don't date many mothers.
This is new for me, too.
CHILD: You're it! You've got to run! Let me ask you this.
If we were to, say, get engaged - Engaged? - Engaged.
You'd let me meet the kids then, right? "Yes" would be the answer.
Yes.
Okay.
So he's yours the one not chasing anybody? It's complicated.
CHILD: You can just sit here.
You can just tag us.
MIDGE: Mama, we're back! Don't run, Ethan.
He needs a bath.
Zelda will draw it for him.
Mama, Benjamin came down and surprised me at the park.
Oh, how nice.
No, not nice.
It was awkward.
I wasn't in the right frame of mind to see him.
What frame of mind do you need to be in? I'm just saying, when Benjamin calls, just take a message.
Don't give him my longitude and latitude.
I just said you were in the park with Ethan.
And if he called and I was in the bathroom, would you have him come over and walk in on me sitting on the ? - Miriam! Of course not.
- It's the same thing.
Bathrooms and parks are not the same.
Tell that to a dog.
Is all this from your comedy routine? It is now.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS) Burning the midnight oil.
It's only 11:45.
Take a break.
- I'm close to done.
- Take a break.
Hey, I'm your boss.
Technically, I'm your boss.
We're partnering right now, but it's still 55, 45.
- Just take a goddamn break.
- Fine.
You know that stupid building manager you made me hire when we bought this place? The guy just rented out the bottom floor to a grocery chain.
We're getting triple the rent I thought we'd get, plus a cut of sales.
- Guy knows the market.
- Just think of that.
They sell a carrot, and we get a check.
I never would have known to ask for that a cut of sales.
A building manager knows.
My son did, too.
(CLEARS THROAT) That's it? That's the big talk? Ah.
You remember your bar mitzvah? The big hall, the three rabbis.
Chopped liver shaped like Michelangelo's David? You went all out.
200 people, it added up.
And they all brought cash as a gift for you.
- Tradition says.
- And I took it all to pay for the hall.
- You probably don't remember this.
- I was sitting next to you when you rifled through the envelopes, Pop.
- I gave you a cut.
- You gave me a dollar.
- It was a fucking expensive hall.
- It was a great hall.
I kissed my first girl in that hall.
- No.
Who? - Letty Zuckerberg.
- With the braces? - That's why my mouth was bleeding.
I thought you got into a fight.
Why are you bringing all this up, Pop? Feeling nostalgic? I want to give you that money back.
My bar mitzvah money? I've forgotten about it.
It's more than that.
There was money for your high school graduation, too.
You never saw that.
Your college fund that paid for the new steam iron.
- Pop - There was money for your wedding.
Your grandmother left you some money.
You never knew that.
There was a coin collection from your uncle.
I sold the coins and kept the money.
Water under the bridge.
I'm working here, you're paying me well.
- I'm letting you go.
- What? I don't want you here.
Why? Why are you doing this? Why now? So you don't get stuck.
What's this? Something to soften the blow.
60 grand? - Yeah.
- Pop, this is a fortune.
- It's it's a house, it's - What I owe you.
Plus interest.
Plus guilt.
Plus more guilt.
- Lots of compounded guilt.
- Where'd you get it? (SCOFFS) Your mother's not the only one that hid money.
I don't think all that guilt adds up to 60 grand.
It does, and now you're free to do something that you want to do travel, go to graduate school, become a beatnik.
I don't care.
I'm doing okay here.
A little tired, but I'm Not where you should be.
Take your time, but get the hell out.
- (LIVELY CROWD CHATTER) - (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) And we're live in five, four, three, two Hello, and welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Third Annual Stop Arthritis and Rheumatism Telethon, broadcasting live from New York City.
As you can see, volunteers are ready to take your pledges.
That's the phone number flashing on the bottom of your screen.
Call any time in the next eight hours to start changing lives.
Stay tuned for an amazing variety of top-notch performers, but right now, let's get things off to an energetic start with The Phil Donnelly Dancers, demonstrating the latest dance craze The Bop! (INTRO TO "PINK SHOELACES" BY THE CHORDETTES PLAYS) Now I've got a guy and his name is Dooley He's my guy and I love him truly He's not good lookin', heaven knows But I'm wild about his crazy clothes He wears tan shoes with pink shoelaces A polka dot vest and So he said you add 12 to get the right time.
It's 4:00 in the afternoon now.
Add 12.
That means you're going on at 4:00 in the fucking morning? No, that's not right.
I'm on at 2150.
Right.
Add 12, which means you're on at 3350? That can't be right, either.
He meant subtract 12.
It's 4:00 now.
If you subtract 12, that means I go on at minus 8:00.
That doesn't make sense, either.
What the fuck's wrong with just saying the time? Pink shoelaces, a polka dot vest and man, oh, man Come on.
Let's check in with the gang.
- Mm.
- He wears tan shoes With pink shoelaces And a big Panama with a purple hat band DICKIE: Oy.
Get "B" to stop moving, Hank.
Hold that shot, "B.
" Stay right where you are.
Tell "A" to dolly back.
He's about to lose the two on the left.
Charlie, dolly back a smidge.
You're losing the group.
- Hi, guys.
- You can't be in here! So you may be wondering which side is my girl's good side.
Well, I'm here to tell you, there's no bad side.
DICKIE: Why is "A" still moving? - Pick an angle.
- And get them the fuck out of here! So, she's on around 10:00 to 33 o'clock.
Some shit like that.
We'll check back in later.
- Do not come back here! - Ridiculous! Dolly back.
Dolly back.
Tan shoes with pink shoelaces And a big Panama with a purple hat band Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh I'm gonna talk to the booker again, - make sure nothing's changed.
- I'll be here.
And a big Panama with a purple hat band.
(APPLAUSE) The Phil Donnelly Dancers! Thank you, gang.
Looks like phone calls are already coming in from our generous viewers.
Let's check in with one of our volunteers.
Lulu, tell us about the call.
Yes, Mason.
I just got off the phone with Ronny Johanssen from Jackson Heights.
He and his wife Betty are donating two dollars.
Two dollars! Thank you, Ronny and Betty.
Your money will go far.
- Folks, let me take some time - We gotta talk.
- right now to discuss with you - Ow.
Watch it.
a true scourge on our nation's health.
HANK: We'll have "B" and "C" at stage one for the singer.
- Is he wearing mascara? - Gets lonely out on the range.
- They're back, guys! - Get out of here! You're not gonna believe this.
- What is your problem?! - Damn it, do something! - Believe what? - Get out! - Oh, my God.
- It's too loud in here.
Come on.
- Yes! Go! Go! - Get the fuck out of here! MASON: of the joints, it becomes difficult to perform everyday tasks.
Many are unable to climb the stairs Susie, what is going on? Sophie Lennon is here.
- What? - Sophie fuckin' Lennon.
She was heading into some dressing room.
- Did she see you? - She didn't see me.
Why would she perform on this thing? Apparently, she's the national spokes-asshole for arthritis.
- And you didn't know that? - How am I supposed to know that? I don't know, you're my manager.
You're supposed to know these things.
Fred should have told me it's his job - to tell me these things.
- He doesn't work for you.
This is unbelievable.
What do we do? Back out? We're in too deep.
We'll look like flakes.
Well, she'll probably hole up in some dressing room till it's time for her to go on.
There are a million acts.
Let's just lie low, and she'll never know we were a part of this.
We were just getting over this.
Kept 'em warm for ya.
MASON: Trudy's a former high school gymnast - He's part of the broadcast? - I don't know.
It's New York.
Could be a gay hooker.
MASON: and basic gymnastic skills.
I'll admit that I choked up a little when I saw So, here I am.
Hi, Pop.
This okay? We could grab a table.
The bar is fine.
What can I get you? I'm buying.
Sun's still up.
Just a seltzer.
A seltzer, please.
Ice.
So? So, I have a British friend MI5? He uses a phrase when everything goes wrong with something.
He says it's gone "tits up.
" Tits up? Like an animal lying on its back, exposed, incapacitated.
You know, these days, everyone takes so long to get to their point.
Your Bell Labs project has gone tits up, Pop.
It's been canceled.
What? No one said anything about that.
No one had the guts to.
That's why I'm telling you.
They're just letting you twist in the wind.
They're hoping you'll leave, like you're leaving Columbia.
I'm not leaving Columbia.
I don't like what they're doing.
It's disrespectful.
Where did you hear this? I got a tip from a friend.
They're investigating, Pop.
Investigating what? You.
Me? They're going deep into your background.
I don't understand.
The stuff you did in your 20s, Pop.
Before you met Mom.
But I did good things in my 20s.
I was an activist.
I cared.
That's part of what they're interested in: what you cared about.
What's the precipitating factor here? Hang on to your hat.
It's Miriam.
Miriam who? Your daughter, Pop.
Midge.
She was performing somewhere in D.
C.
, and apparently she started talking about Bell Labs.
And your A.
I.
project.
There was a guy in the audience, someone connected to all this.
Then the club caught fire.
She set the club on fire? No.
I don't think.
I don't believe this.
Believe it.
How can you be so sure? 'Cause the guy who told me told me because I had a gun in his mouth.
My God, no.
Of course not, Pop! I'm kidding.
Geez Louise.
I can't joke anymore? It's okay if you've killed people.
I'm sure they had it coming.
- I don't kill people! - WOMAN: What did he say? - (QUIETLY): I don't I don't kill people.
- MAN: Says he kills people? I don't even put bullets in that damn gun.
I understand that you have to say that.
Look at me, Pop.
I'm an analyst.
I'm a good guy.
I'm still me.
I miss you, Pop.
You're my father.
I I want to get back to normal, and I don't want you to think I'm hiding things from you.
That's why I told you all this today.
I'm coming clean.
Gin.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) SOPHIE: Put that on your plate! I went on a cruise, and every meal was all-you-could-eat.
Once I missed breakfast because I was still eating dinner! - (LAUGHTER) - If I'd have been on the Titanic, I would have gone down with the buffet! - (LAUGHTER) - The captain asked me to participate in a safety demonstration.
- I played the iceberg.
- (LAUGHTER) Put that on your plate! I used to think she was funny, but it's the same joke over and over.
No new take, no spin.
Bullshit.
They say you are what you eat.
Well, that makes me Chinese, Mexican, Italian, French and roadkill! - (LAUGHTER) - Put that on your plate! Huh? (LAUGHS) So, you want to hear about my new husband? - AUDIENCE: Yeah! - Okay! You asked for it! I told him I wanted him to make me scream in the bedroom.
So he put a sheet over his head, cut out two eyeholes and yelled, "Boo!" - Put that on your plate! - (APPLAUSE) - Susie.
- Nicky.
- Is this a small world, or what? - You look rested.
- I just got out of the clink.
- Miriam, this is Nicky, - one of the guys who was gonna kill me.
- Oh.
I've heard a lot about you.
Nice to meet you.
You got a sharp one.
So, what are you doing here? Rifling purses? No.
I'm doing security for Sophie Lennon.
- Oh.
- Okay.
It's mostly just asking fans to step back a little.
I haven't gotten to beat the shit out of anyone in weeks.
That's too bad.
I know how much you enjoy that.
Well, I got to get back to my post.
I'll see ya.
- Nice meeting you.
- Oh.
Hey.
I almost forgot why I came over here.
Sophie said to say hi.
- To us? - Yeah.
Should I say hi back? (QUIETLY): Sure.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING, WHOOPING) MASON: Ladies and gentlemen, Sophie Lennon! - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - I can't hear you.
Ha-ha-ha! That was wonderful, just wonderful.
Thank you.
(LAUGHS) You are still a hoot.
Mrs.
Maisel, let's get you to the phone bank.
Oh.
Sure.
- My hair good? - It's fine.
I'm gonna be on camera, Susie.
Look close.
It's big, it's bouncy, it's good.
(WHISPERS): Let's go, let's go.
- MASON: Sophie Lennon, ladies and gentlemen.
- I'm going.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) When the phone rings, you answer.
Be nice, be brief.
Get a name, a number, a mailing address and the amount of the pledge.
- Got it.
- Spot number six.
MASON: Well, I'm sorry, Sophie.
- I'm happily married.
- Is it as fun as it looks? SOPHIE: Not me.
I'm haphazardly married.
Hello.
Arthritis Telethon.
Well, thank you, ma'am.
What's your name? Sophie Lennon, ladies and gentlemen.
You'll be seeing a little more of her later on in a special segment.
- Thanks, Sophie.
- Oh, anytime, Mason.
- Oh! Ha-ha-ha! - (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) Look at that, ladies and gentlemen.
Sophie has really pulled in the dollars for our cause.
We have passed $45,000.
- AUDIENCE: Wow! Whoa! - And we're still climbing.
As you can see, our celebrities and volunteers are hard at work, taking your calls.
Let's put the number on the screen again.
We're in the last few hours, folks, so dig deep in those pockets - and help the afflicted.
- What the fuck? It looks like our singing cowboy, Waylon Jones, is rustling up a few pledges.
Let's mosey on over and chew the chaw with him.
- What the fuck?! - MASON: Well, you had a great big smile on your face during that last call who were you speaking with, Waylon? Well, Mason, I was on the horn just now with a little lady from Brooklyn.
Her name is Rhonda.
She's nine years old, and she's giving us every penny in her penny jar.
- List 'em off, Irene.
- Next hour is Shy, then Dick Shawn.
- Comedian? - Comedian.
Hour three, we've got - our folk duo, our Shakespearean players - Hey.
- You can't be in here.
- What the hell? - Where is security? - I thought I had a good relationship with you guys, but I'm not happy here! - Get out! - You can't be in here! You can't see my fucking girl! Move the camera over! It doesn't work that way.
Move your girl.
- Sal put her there.
- Then talk to Sal.
I will.
I'll go talk to Sal.
Believe me, - I'm getting to the bottom of this! - Do not come back! MAN: Who wants to bet Waylon's from Yonkers? Well, for starters, I'm fixin' to put out a new record album.
- I call it One-Horse Town.
- MASON: One-Horse Town? WAYLON: Yes, sir.
By Waylon Jones.
SAL: Playback should be cued and ready to go.
- Make sure they know.
- Hey, Sal.
- Shh.
- What the fuck's with this chair situation? - My girl's off camera.
- It wasn't my call.
- Whose call was it? - I don't know.
Someone.
- Yeah.
Someone.
- While you're at it, you might want to check the schedule board, too.
- There's been changes.
- Changes? (INTRO TO "YOUNGER THAN SPRINGTIME" PLAYING) Now, ladies and gentlemen, the great Shy Baldwin.
I touch your hand And my arms grow strong Like a pair of birds That burst with charm My eyes look down At your lovely face And I hold The world In my embrace Younger than springtime Are you Softer than starlight Are you Warmer than winds of June Are the gentle lips You gave me Gayer than laughter - Hey.
- Susie.
Get back.
If they cut over here, you'll be on camera.
I know for a fact that I'm not on camera, 'cause I'm on the other side of you, and you're not on camera.
- What? - She's fucking with us.
Sophie.
- Sophie? - She's turned the whole place against us.
My phone's not ringing.
- It's not even connected.
- That's not all.
You're bumped to the end of the broadcast.
11:55.
Why didn't she just kick us out altogether? Because she's a sadist.
It's death by a thousand cuts.
- How do we fight this? - We can't.
Fuck it.
And fuck her.
You'll do your 11:55 spot.
We'll go get loaded after.
It'll be a story you tell on The Tonight Show in ten years.
- Can't wait.
- At the very least, I'm gonna get your phone up and running.
Some old fart with gnarled hands shouldn't have to suffer because Sophie's an asshole.
Am I Gayer than laughter Am I Angel and lover Heaven and earth Have I With You (SONG ENDS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) MASON: It's all about them, folks.
The sufferers.
The people whose days and nights are filled with the anguish of arthritis and rheumatism.
And right now, the great Sophie Lennon invites you to join her for a chat with a few very special guests.
Sophie? Hello! - OTHERS: Hi, Sophie.
- (CHUCKLING) Oh, look at you beautiful people.
How does it feel to have these good folks - helping you out like this? - PAUL: Wonderful, Sophie.
It means the world to us to have so many people care.
Mmm.
But your life has challenges.
Sometimes my arthritis gets so darn bad, I'm completely immobilized.
Immobilized? That sounds like honeymoon night with husbands two, four, and seven.
(LAUGHING) And seven turned out to be dead! (SOPHIE CHUCKLES) Speaking of that, which of you two fellas is gonna be Sophie's number nine after number eight kicks off, huh? I choose - you! - (CHUCKLES) You'll be easier to catch.
- Ow! (LAUGHS) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Put that on your plate! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (SOPHIE LAUGHS) - Oh.
- Oh.
So, what's a typical day like for you? Judy? People take for granted the daily pleasures: driving to the store, walking up a flight of steps.
I haven't done either one of those things in years.
I I can't even Can't even what, my darling? I can't even pick up my baby grandson.
AUDIENCE: Aw I'm sorry, folks, but you're gonna see old Soph get a little emotional right now.
(FORCED CRYING) (WHIMPERS) (GROANS) (FORCED CRYING) Oh, arthritis! (FORCED SOB): Oh! Uh Ah! Here we are.
So That was uncomfortable to watch.
I'm off to the ladies'.
I'll just vomit right here.
(TOILET FLUSHING) (SOPHIE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE) (TOILET FLUSHING) - (HUMMING SOFTLY) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I'm sorry.
I have to introduce myself, because I am your biggest fan.
Actually, my mother is your biggest fan.
She even listens to your Christmas album.
But, oh, my God, Shy Baldwin, you are phenomenal.
You are amazing.
You are terrified by the crazy woman next to you.
Am I in the wrong place? I don't know.
Where are you supposed to be? - Ladies' room.
- You're in the right place.
I'm in the wrong place.
You guys have the bigger mirrors.
Always smells better, too.
Mm.
- (CHUCKLES) A lot better.
- (CHUCKLES) My mother does think the world of you.
Oh, mothers do love me.
- I'm a mother, too.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- You'd never know.
And how are you involved in all this, honey? - I'm a comedian.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, I love comedians.
Always open my show with a comedian.
Had Moms Mabley at the Apollo.
Audience fell out of their seats.
Moms Mabley.
Mental note.
She's the real thing.
Sees the world, tells the truth.
Nothing like that buzz saw out there.
What buzz saw? Sophie? Can't stand that cracker comedy of hers.
She was telling the same jokes when I was singing in the subway.
And they weren't fresh then.
I bumped into her in Paris.
I swear, a dozen diamonds fell out of her ass.
Your race can have her.
She a friend of yours? Should've asked that first.
Not by a long shot.
(CHUCKLES) What's your name? Midge.
Midge Maisel.
You break a leg tonight, Midge.
And thanks for the spritz.
A little summertime in the fall.
Thank you for the music.
Wow, that sounded dumb.
Not when you say it, sugar.
(DOOR CLOSES) (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) What a treat to see such grace and beauty I have got to pee or I'm gonna explode.
Dickie, go.
Bird girl's gonna be up there - for the next five minutes.
- Four.
- Four.
- DICKIE: Why is the bathroom always so far from the control room? - Why do they do that to us? - HANK: You heard the story about Smitty, - how he kept a bucket underneath the console? - IRENE: Ew.
- DICKIE: I'd use a bucket at this point.
- Hey.
- We've got to call someone.
- Get out! Which way's the VIP green room? Make a "U" at the base of the stairs and then a left at the hallway.
- Thanks.
- DICKIE: Jesus.
Almost made me pee my fucking pants.
- Hey.
- I beg your pardon.
Midge Maisel.
You're interrupting my steam.
Oh.
Sorry.
Better? Better.
Thank you.
I just want to tell you something, lady.
If you ever knock Midge Maisel down again, if you ban her from another club or sit her ass off camera on a telethon, I will grab you and Harry Drake by your fucking necks and squeeze until you're both fucking dead! Lower your voice.
Then I'll take your limp bodies, set 'em on fire, and throw 'em in the Gowanus Canal! - Are you done? - Then I'll fish 'em out of the canal, tie 'em to the front of a truck, and crash 'em into a bed of spikes.
I think, at this point, Harry and I are both quite dead.
Why are you doing this? You live in a mansion.
You have a chauffeured limousine, a closet full of fat suits.
Why are you so obsessed with her? She bad-mouthed me, and it got into the press.
Well, grow some balls, lady, and stop with all your tricks.
- What tricks? - You send tough guys, I take down tough guys.
You bar us from clubs, I get us back in those clubs.
You put up walls, I tear 'em down.
You threaten her, you threaten me.
You threaten me, I'll punch your fake tits so hard your real tits'll feel it! Count on it! - (CHUCKLES) - Something funny? - Mm.
- You should put it in your act.
It'll shock the audience.
I will do anything I have to do to protect Midge.
She's gonna work her way up Midtown, she's gonna headline the Copa, she is gonna headline tours.
Put that on your plate.
You're her manager.
You should have told her to apologize.
All of this would have ended months ago.
I am not gonna make my client apologize for what is gonna make her a star.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) ("GRANDSTAND" BY ANTHONY W.
MAWER PLAYING) - So, you ready to kill 'em? - I think so.
- 'Cause there are five people watching at home.
- (CLEARS THROAT) I want you to slay all five of them.
- They won't know what hit 'em.
- Two of them are older guys with their hands down their pants.
So, a minute after you come on screen, they're gonna come on screen.
Hey, that's a good joke.
I'm stealing that for another night.
The cameramen are drunk.
This is insane.
(SONG ENDS) (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) Well done, girls.
Ladies and gentlemen, what a fabulous night.
Let's take a look at the final count on our tally board.
Close to $78,000! - (FANFARE PLAYS) - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Wonderful! Look at that you're following the confetti! I'm the sweeper! Are we wrapping early? It's 11:55.
There's actually one more act.
That girl comedian.
Oh, shit.
That's right.
What did this poor woman do to get this slot? We thank you for your generosity and support Wait, almost forgot.
Uh, please give a warm welcome to Mrs.
Maisel! - (APPLAUSE) - (CLEARS THROAT) (MIDGE CLEARS THROAT) (CHUCKLES) Thank you.
- Thank you, lady and gentleman.
- (AUDIENCE CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) So very professional of me to come on camera already laughing, as if something funny just happened off camera that you didn't see.
And you never get to know what it was.
- (LAUGHTER) - So you're frustrated.
You're tired, and they've already blown through the confetti, so it's nothing but downhill from here.
- (QUIETLY): Get off.
Get off.
- And thanks to those of you at home - who are still conscious.
- You're on camera.
And for those of you at home who aren't conscious but are still in front of your TVs, vote for Kennedy.
Vote for Kennedy.
Was that political? That was political.
- She can't do that.
- (CHUCKLES) Ballsy.
So, this is the first time I've ever been on television.
There's no way you could possibly know that.
Because, you see, television demands an unerring instinct for knowing where the camera is, at all times.
It's not something you can learn.
It's pure instinct.
So, I am not a singer.
You would know that if I, well, sang.
I am actually a comedian.
I talk to people for a living.
Not that I'm making a living.
Really, this whole comedian thing was all just a ruse to get on this telethon today.
Mason, I'll take that $78,000 now in small bills.
- (LAUGHS) - Arthritis be damned.
That's right.
This is an extremely unlikely stickup.
The only witnesses being some drunk cameramen, three sailors on leave, and 14 people half-asleep in front of their TVs.
- (LAUGHING) - She's good.
She's a natural.
She's all that.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Phones are ringing and nobody's answering.
Not good.
That's money left on the table.
Come on with me, everybody.
- Let's see who we've got calling here.
- Excuse us.
Hello and welcome to the telethon.
Oh, you made a mistake calling a comedian.
My refrigerator is not running, sir.
Bye, now.
Hello and welcome to the telethon.
No, Rabbi, this is not a good time.
L'chaim.
Hello.
Oh, Mr.
Graham Bell.
Thank you so much for making tonight possible.
Without you and arthritis, I'd be sitting at home, bored out of my mind.
Love to Watson.
(LAUGHTER) I was very instrumental in making this happen.
She's Mrs.
Maisel! Mrs.
Maisel is Mrs.
Maisel! She answers phones and tells jokes.
What can't she do? I can't talk right now.
I'm on a telethon.
Got to go.
(LAUGHTER) Holy fucking Christ.
MIDGE: Hello? Sorry, hard to hear you over the bongos.
Yes, the telethon will be over soon, Mr.
Belafonte.
Trust me, daylight come and I want to go home.
Hello, and welcome to the telethon.
Will I marry you? Well, how much are you gonna pledge? Put in an extra $20 and a Bendel's handbag and you got yourself a wife.
Hello, and welcome to the telethon.
Oh, you're downstairs.
Perfect.
Hey, can someone go downstairs and grab my Chinese food delivery? - It's two bucks plus tip.
- (NEIGHBORS LAUGHING) Hello.
Aunt Hannah.
No, I don't know Eddie Fisher.
Yes, he's on TV sometimes, too, - but he's not in the TV with me.
- (LAUGHING) Hello, and welcome to the telethon.
Moses.
Hi.
What an honor.
I had no idea you had arthritis.
So this is really happening.
MIDGE: if you took two tablets.
No kidding.
Thank you for your pledge.
- Where do I go now? - Who's that? My wife.
- You're married? - Shh.
MIDGE: No, I'm not interested in the Encyclopedia Britannica, thank you.
I started reading it once and couldn't get through it.
Good-bye.
(LAUGHTER ONSCREEN) Hello, and welcome to the telethon.
Yes, thank you for calling to confirm.
I do need a table for 12 at Keens Steakhouse for tomorrow night.
I'm taking every single person who's still watching this thing out for a nice steak dinner.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Take it from there, guys.
Hmm.
Okay, this telethon's actually gone on so long we're raising money for the cameramen's arthritis now.
- (MOUTHING) - And now the stage manager's going like this.
We all know what that means in show business.
- Whoopee! - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) It's whoopee time, everybody.
Everybody make whoopee.
(CHEERING, WHISTLING) No, actually, I think they want me to wrap it up.
Thank you for watching, everybody.
I'm Mrs.
Maisel.
Thank you for giving.
Good night.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Mrs.
Maisel, everyone! That was wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Just wonderful.
Who knew there were people who were still up? We've never had this many calls so late.
We'll keep our phones manned, so keep calling.
And thank you and tune in next year for our fourth annual Stop Arthritis and Rheumatism Telethon.
Good night.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's call it a day, guys.
- Bye, Susie.
- See ya, Irene.
Hope my wife stayed up for that.
She'd love it.
- Nice job, guys.
- Make her stick to the script next time? - Never.
- Long day.
- We going to the place? - Sound department's going.
Was it good? I couldn't tell.
I moved a lot.
Was that bad? Did they hate me? It was good.
They loved you.
Sal looked mad when I went over to the phone bank.
Did it work? Could you hear me? Trust me, it was great.
It was almost better that I went on later.
The circumstances were bad, but the pressure was off.
The day sucked ass, but this and taking down Sophie (CLICKS TONGUE) made it all worthwhile.
Let's get a drink.
Whoa, whoa.
Who took down Sophie? I took down Sophie.
When? Where? Walked into her dressing room.
By the way, I'm getting you one of those next time.
- But why? - What do you mean, why? We were gonna let it go.
That stuck-up twat had it coming.
We were getting past the whole thing.
Why antagonize her again? What's the point? That's the point.
I'm your manager, and it was time to fight the fuck back.
We were playing more clubs.
I was on TV.
Let me remind you that you started this fight.
I'm just finishing it.
We going for that drink? I'm tired.
Oh, come on.
You can't be serious.
I can't? Fine.
Be like that.
I'll drink enough for the both of us.
(DOOR OPENS) ("CITIES IN DUST" BY SIOUXSIE AND THE BANSHEES PLAYING) Water was running Children were running You were running out of time Under the mountain A golden fountain Were you praying at the Lares shrine? But oh-oh Oh, your city lies in dust My friend Oh-oh Oh, your city lies in dust My friend We found you hiding We found you lying Choking on the dirt and sand Your former glories and all the stories Dragged and washed with eager hands But oh-oh Oh, your city lies in dust My friend Oh-oh Oh, your city lies in dust My friend Your city lies in dust Water was running Children were running We found you hiding We found you lying Water was running.