The Millers (2013) s02e09 Episode Script

Leave me alone, big bully Leave me alone I moan the whole day long She's just awful.
Thank God she didn't also get Debbie's red hair.
Why do I come here? I have my own home.
Can a person go to jail for murdering a song? Wish I wore a hearing aid so I could turn it off.
Big bully, won't you leave me alone? Ah, that was wonderful, Mikayla.
And it only took you 16 times to almost get it right.
Sure, it's still a little rough, but, uh, we needed something for the assembly for Anti-Bullying Week.
You're doing great work here.
Nothing stops a kid from getting bullied more than a bowler hat and a cane.
All right, come on, Mikayla.
Let's clean up those dance steps.
You want some help? Uh, that's okay.
I think we're close.
His loss.
I spent four years studying dance.
Oh, yeah? Where? My couch.
I watched all four seasons of Dance Moms.
Plus a week-long marathon of Dances with Wolves.
So, I can teach her to dance or kill a buffalo.
So, my Aunt Louise is going to be visiting next week.
Aunt Louise, remember? She came to our family reunion.
She drove a convertible through the tug-of-war? Oh, right, yes.
She dragged Cousin Tim and his six kids all the way to the lake.
They just wouldn't let go.
Well, she's coming up here for a funeral, and she has decided to make a whole week-long trip out of it.
I want you each to spend a day looking after her so Kip and I don't have to shoulder the burden alone.
What a whole day? Why? I barely know her.
Because it's essential that you get to know your relatives while you're still blessed with their presence.
Plus, old people gross me out.
Present company excluded, Tom.
And Carol.
And Nathan.
It's a shame we have to spend a whole week doing this.
I mean, she's foggy-headed enough.
We could probably just meet her at the airport, spin her around three times and put her back on the plane.
It would work.
I've always said, "Kids, please shoot me if ever get as foggy and senile as old Tom.
" I mean Louise.
Did I say "Tom"? You had a good run, Tom.
Should they shoot you now or take you in your sleep? Okay, Mikayla's gonna practice the song a few more times.
Shoot me now.
The Millers - 02x09 Louise Louise I'm sorry we're so late.
Somebody wouldn't let me drive under anything that might interrupt her AM radio signal.
That woman sounds like a real bitch.
Yeah, why don't you have a seat, Aunt Louise? Yeah, we were really sorry to hear about your friend.
Uh, how was the funeral? Oh, it was a big downer.
Every speaker just went on and on and on about the great things Jack did.
Did you know he got a Purple Heart in Vietnam? Turned that color from eating too many grapes.
It got me thinking.
I haven't done anything worth talking about at my own funeral! Well, that's not true, Aunt Louise.
You've done plenty of wonderful things that we can talk about.
Oh, you think so? Well, fine.
Let's give it a whirl.
I'm dead.
Talk.
Aunt Louise, I don't know if we should Start talking.
Open casket.
The flies are gonna come.
Okay.
Okay.
Uh uh, my aunt lived her life to the fullest.
Uh she lived a very full life.
Two sentences in and you're repeating the generic crap you've already said.
Let's hear some specifics.
Who's next? Well, come on, Aunt Louise, this isn't fair.
You can't just die like that without warning.
We weren't ready.
Dead body.
I'll handle the girl.
Put plastic under the body.
Sometimes things leak out.
I'm sorry, Louise.
We just don't know anything because Because there isn't anything.
I haven't done a single thing in my life that's worth talking about.
Excuse me.
I'm going to the bathroom where I will likely once again fail to accomplish anything meaningful.
I feel terrible.
My Aunt Louise taught me how to ride a bike.
What kind of niece am I? I hardly know the woman.
You know what? This week, I'm gonna help her achieve something worth talking about at her funeral.
You know what? That's a great idea, Mom.
Yeah, yeah, and I-I-I took some time off work so I could spend the day with her and-and, uh, I'll try something, too.
I was halfway down the hall and forgot where I was.
Carol's house, right? Oh! Oh! And my suitcase is packed.
Oh.
I must've had a fun visit.
This week flew by.
Well, I got to get to the airport.
I wouldn't want to miss my plane.
I love her, but, God, this is tempting.
So, we got the whole day together.
But only four hours if we count for your naps, snacks and rants about immigrants.
So, let's let's figure out something that people can remember you by.
Is there something that you've always dreamed about but never had a chance to try? I always wanted to sing in front of a crowd.
The problem is I only know one song.
Oh, say can you see By the dawn's early light? The song is the national anthem.
- In case you - No, I I pieced it together.
So, uh, well what-what if you sang at a sporting event? What, like, at the Super Bowl? I could flash a nipple.
Obviously, can't do that.
But you know, um, Leesburg does have a minor league hockey team.
The Fightin' Titans, right? And-and, uh, we have a connection.
Their star player Igor Yasin works out at Ray's gym.
Oh, I can't just walk up on him and bother him while he's working out.
I mean, that guy I don't want to get him mad.
I've seen Rocky IV.
I know what happens to the black friend.
Of course, you can't go talk to him, but I can.
We're both celebrities.
Local celebrities.
I mean, you know? Come on, minor league athletes, local newscasters, bus bench Realtors.
Basically anybody who's ever been told, "Hey, you're that guy from that thing.
" I've always been curious, uh, about hockey.
I never played it.
But, uh, we did play a fun game, uh, on a tuna boat that I worked on.
You, uh, you worked on a tuna boat? Well, I was a cook.
The skipper had a nephew with no legs.
Tough little guy.
He'd slide around the deck every time it got icy.
Five of us would stand on each side of the boat, and we'd use our mops to try to make sure that he didn't slide under the rail.
That's, uh, that actually sounds a lot like hockey.
I guess you're right.
Uh, un-unfortunately, somewhere off the coast of Nova Scotia, my team lost one to nothing.
The skipper was not pleased.
- Hey.
- Oh.
There's Igor over there doing his weird pregame ritual.
He only counts in Police Academy movies.
Police Academy 1.
Their First Assignment.
Back in Training.
Citizens on Patrol.
Oh, man.
Exercise, huh? Tell me about it.
Hey, listen.
My great aunt would love to sing the national anthem at one of your games and I was thinking that maybe you could talk to your owner? Please, don't bother Igor.
I get it fans wanting to talk to you is a drag.
But I figured since I'm also a local celebrity "A local celebrity" how? You are popular dentist with billboard? No.
Nathan Miller, news reporter? WXDN? I-I walk your streets? Oh, you did report where you're bitten by Easter Bunny! Right, right.
Yeah.
You scream, scare rabbit.
Almost cry.
Well, I was I was playing it up for the kids, man.
The-the point is we're both in the same local celebrity club.
No.
I am B-level local celebrity.
You are C minus, maybe not even.
You are just Leesburg famous.
I get free carwash from here to Mount Vernon.
Hey, listen, man.
I've got voice mails saved on this phone from Jane Pauley and Andre 3000's mother.
And you can hear Andre in the background.
I think they're on a bus.
Here, I'm gonna play it for you right now.
Nathan, it's Mom.
No, no What did the doctor say about your mole? Hold on, wrong one Excuse me, I must finish pregame routine with naked shower.
How'd it go, big baller? Just a little, little hiccup, but I'll be fine.
I won't take nyet for an answer.
Put right foot in Put right foot out Put right foot in Shake it all about Do the Hockey Puckey and turn self around That is what is all about.
Put left foot in Put the left Oh, say, can you see By the dawn's early light She promised to cover her eyes.
I just wanted you to see how great she was.
You ruin pregame routine.
Now I must start Hockey Puckey all over again.
Ooh, I'd like to hammer that sickle.
What were you thinking, Nathan? Trying to get her to sing at a pro hockey game? People need to reach for attainable goals.
Exactly.
That's why my celebrity crush is Paul Giamatti.
Mom, you don't know anything about attainable goals.
You're the one who told me to ask out that hot bank manager with the hook hand.
And she gave me what I think was the finger.
Could have been a thumbs up.
Oh, my God, you're right.
Hang on, I'll be right back.
We're gonna do something easy.
Oh.
Aunt Louise, we're gonna shoot a video and make you famous.
Okay.
I guess I'd be up for a sex tape.
It's not a sex tape.
Oh, no, it's in my head.
The damage has been done.
Aunt Louise, we're gonna make an instructional video for the Internet.
They're very popular.
I was very popular.
I was the most popular woman in Arizona.
Till that other bitch moved in.
I'm telling you you can make a video that millions of people could watch and that would be something for people to remember you by.
It just has to be interesting and exciting.
I could teach people how to make a pill organizer out of an ice cube tray.
Well, then film me having sex with that black guy.
The ice cube tray is great.
Yeah.
Hi, I'm Louise.
And I'm going to teach you No, Aunt Louise, point at the camera, not at Kip.
And I'm going to teach you Cut! And then the Cambodians moved in and made every porch look like a shoe store.
Cut.
In today's video, you're gonna learn how to take a simple ice tray like this And turn it into this.
Oh.
Cut.
And once you've labeled the plastic wrap, you wrap it over the ice cube tray, with the days corresponding to the correct molds, and voilà! No more accidental overdoses or unpredictable erections.
Are we done, yet? I like a little honey in my tea.
You got any? Let me check.
Hey, quick question for you.
What age did you start getting foggy-headed? I'll tell you when it happens.
I'm still sharp as a tack.
Mmm.
I like a little honey in my tea.
You got any? Let me check.
Hey, quick question for you.
What age did you start getting foggy-headed? Where is she? Aunt Louise, get out here, great news! Did you get a thumbs up from hook-hand? No, I was right, it was the finger.
Hey, congratulations! You're singing the national anthem at tomorrow's Fightin' Titans game! Oh! The night Louise sang to him in the shower, Igor had the game of his life.
Now he thinks Louise is good luck.
Can she even sing? Oh, she's great.
Yeah, yeah, show her, Louise.
Oh, say, can you see By the dawn's early light The rockets we light - Wait, that's wrong.
- Yeah.
Uh, What so proud I got it, I got it.
What so proudly we sing What the hell are the words? Uh, listen, uh, y-you got to sing tomorrow night.
D-Do you think you can remember the words by then? Of course I could.
Remember the words to what? Good Lord, the national anthem.
Maybe we should make her cue cards.
Oh, uh, they'd have to be huge.
My eyes aren't what they used to be.
I've been in this house for three days, I still can't find the bathroom.
You're gonna want to buy a new hamper.
Ladies and gentlemen.
I can no longer sit on the sidelines and watch poor Mikayla suffer through her dance routine.
So we got together Kip, Kip, Kip.
W-We're kind of in the middle of something.
Yeah, me, too.
You think I enjoy spending my free time helping a little girl learn how to sing and dance? Yes.
Exactly.
So shut up and let me enjoy it.
Bill Bailey") Leave me alone, big bully Leave me alone Wow, she's really good.
I'm gonna put her picture back in my wallet.
Take all my lunch money You call me names I'm here to tell you that is wrong Remember people's feelings They can get hurt When nothing Mikayla, stop, stop, stop, stop.
You guys, don't look at me.
I'm only helping her because she couldn't remember anything, so I'm acting out the cues.
Do you think it would work? We've got 24 hours to practice.
It's worth a shot.
Debbie, get my arts and crafts supplies.
Mikayla, grab all your toys.
Adam, go steal the flag from the bank.
We're gonna help an old lady remember a song.
Whose broad stripes and bright stars Through the perilous fight O'er the ramparts we watched Were so gallantly streaming? And the rockets' red glare The bombs bursting in air Gave proof through the night That our flag was still there Oh, say does that star-spangled Banner yet wave O'er the land of the free And the home Of the brave? That was amazing.
I am proud to be an American.
Okay, everyone, in your places.
Do you all have your stuff? This is so exciting.
Louise is finally gonna get to sing in front of thousands.
Hundreds.
Good few dozen people.
And now please rise for the singing of our national anthem by 86-year-old Louise Ferber.
I don't know when I've seen her this happy.
Break a leg, Aunt Louise! And the home Of the Bra Call an ambulance.
Aunt Louise, that was amazing.
The way you sang the whole song without missing a word.
And that standing ovation.
Nice try.
But I remember everything.
Right down to them bringing that dog out on the ice to bark the national anthem in my place.
I'm surprised she fell.
She spent two months working on an icy tuna boat.
Maybe that's why she moved to Arizona.
Apparently, she was the first woman to live there.
I-I didn't know any of that stuff, but she told me she once won the lottery.
But she left the check on the roof of her car, and they wouldn't reissue it.
She told me she once drove a car through a family reunion.
Dad, that was ours.
You were one of the people she hit.
Oh, man.
Time to schedule the MRI.
Did you know she got lost in the Grand Canyon for two days? Something about eating bad mushrooms.
I didn't quite understand it.
You know that famous picture of the sailor kissing that woman in Times Square? She told me that she kissed that same woman.
Now, this is a funeral.
Four days ago, you couldn't come up with one specific about me.
Now you're all talking up a storm.
They're psychedelic mushrooms.
Google it.
Yeah, but these are things you've already done.
We thought you wanted to achieve something special.
Who's to say what's special? Your family learning who you are, and knowing they'll remember you forever.
That's special enough for me.
We'll sure remember you, Aunt Louise.
And we'll make sure that everyone else knows who you were, too.
I love it! Gonna be the best funeral Tempe, Arizona, ever had.
Tempe? That's a that's a pricy plane ticket.
Do we do we all have to go? One-one person could tell her stories, right? - Let's draw straws.
- Yeah.
What's up with this Valentine's Day party, anyway? My mom likes to have a party for those who don't have anything to do on Valentine's Day.
It's nice, right? Yeah.
Nothing creepy about a family of hermits celebrating romance with each other.