The Neighborhood (2018) s02e09 Episode Script

1 Lot of money in the pot, Dave.
You thought you could come over here and play cards with the big dog? Well, you about to get bit.
[BARKS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Go ahead, take your best shot.
Do you have any nines? Go fish.
Ha, ha! [CHUCKLES.]
: Ooh.
Will you look at that? I hooked a nine.
Booyah! Uh-oh, big dog, you got smoked by a dude who says "booyah.
" Hey, guys.
Whatcha doing? Oh, hey, Hon.
I just beat Calvin and Malcolm in Go Fish.
[GASPS.]
Booyah! Malcolm, I'm glad you're here.
How do you feel about blind dates? Oh, to be honest, Gemma, I'm not really into bl Great! Because there's this wonderful new English teacher at school, Sofia, and I think you two have a lot in common.
Oh, so she also lives at home and takes the bus to work? [CHUCKLES.]
Thank you, Gemma, but I don't think so.
My last blind date turned out to have three children.
Well, you like kids.
Yeah, but she brought all of them to dinner.
And one of them was older than me.
I promise you, you have nothing to worry about.
I'm kind of known for my matchmaking skills.
I have a perfect track record.
Well What about the Parkers? Oh, so he has a secret family in Winnipeg and that's on me? Anyway, back in Kalamazoo, they called me Dr.
Wedding Bells.
Hey, look, I appreciate it, Gemma, but I'm not that desperate yet.
You're not? You're playing Go Fish with two married men.
And last night I caught you slow-dancing with a mop.
He'll take it.
Okay, fine.
I guess we can go for a drink.
- [GASPS.]
- Here you go, man.
Whoa, what's this, Pop? Uh, just some extra cash in case she brings her kids.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Calvin, I just heard that Terrence Walker died.
Can you believe that? Absolutely.
The man was on his last leg.
He lost the first one in Korea.
Well, apparently, he didn't leave a will, and now his whole family is fighting over his estate.
What estate? He had an '81 Buick and a closet full of left shoes.
I don't know, Calvin.
We're not as young as we used to be.
Maybe we should be thinking about making our will.
Oh, no.
Baby, we're not old enough to need a will.
I just got carded last week.
That's because the waiter was trying to give you a senior discount.
Which I did not qualify for.
Calvin, God forbid you died.
I mean, the last thing you would want is for the boys to have to fight over your stuff.
I'm dead and you're worried about the boys? Wow, Tina.
Wow.
Hey, brother, I am meeting a blind date for a drink.
And I really don't want to be here.
So can you call my cell in, like, half an hour? Say no more.
Grandma's in the hospital or fire at home? [CHUCKLES.]
Let's not take chances.
Grandma's in the hospital because of the fire at home.
Here's my number.
Hi.
Malcolm? Oh, damn.
Sofia? [LAUGHS, CLEARS THROAT.]
Let me guess.
You were about to have a sick aunt? What? [LAUGHS.]
How did you know? - [PHONE RINGING.]
- Because I'm getting a call from my sick aunt.
Never mind, he's cute.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, wait.
We only need a table for the two of us, right? Yeah.
Why? I'm just checking.
Hey, babe.
Whatcha doing? Just getting some fresh air.
It's a beautiful night.
- The stars are out.
- Yeah You're waiting for Malcolm.
Where the hell is he?! Well, if they're not home yet, the date must have gone well, right? Not just well.
Sofia texted me and said it went great.
Looks like Dr.
Wedding Bells hasn't lost a patient yet.
Well I don't know if the Cahills would agree.
Again, not my fault.
If he didn't know he was gay, how was I supposed to? - Hey, guys.
- Enough with the chitchat.
- Tell me everything.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Look, there's not much to tell.
It was okay.
Wha - Just okay? - Oh.
Time of death: 9:32.
Wha But Sofia said it went great.
What happened? All right, here's the truth.
She has got this annoying laugh.
A-And I mean, it's really annoying.
How bad is it? People around us were checking their phones to see if there was a Amber Alert.
Look, I'm sorry, Gemma, but that's a deal breaker for me, all right? Thank you for trying, though.
GEMMA: I can't believe it.
I-It's crazy for something like that to be a deal breaker.
Catching your husband in a Jacuzzi with the mailman I get.
But this? No.
Well, look, Gemma, everyone has their deal breakers.
You know, when I was single, I could never date someone who littered or had the same haircut as my mom.
Or lived east of Highway 43.
It is bumpkin central over there.
Dave, I lived east of Highway 43.
Oh, I know.
But once I got to know you better, I discovered so many of your deal makers that I forgot about my one deal breaker.
Aw.
Plus, you were the only girl I met from over there who wasn't in a fight club.
Maybe if I can get Malcolm to see more of Sofia's good qualities, he'll get over his deal breaker, just like you did.
I guess.
How long did it take you? Like, two or three dates? Yeah, let's go with that.
- Oh, hey, Dad.
- Hey, hey.
Oh, y'all watching YouTube videos again? Play the one where the monkey steals the baby's ice cream.
No, Calvin, I asked Marty to come over and help us do our wills.
MARTY: Yeah, I found this website that does almost all the work for you.
So basically, all you have to do is die.
Boy, I survived black Michael Jackson, white Michael Jackson and "Damn, I ain't know he did all that" Michael Jackson.
I ain't going nowhere.
Okay, fine.
I'll do it without you.
So leave his truck with Dave.
Over my dead body.
- Exactly.
- Exactly.
Fine.
Come on.
Let's do this, then.
- Let's-let's do it.
- Aw.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you, baby.
And I promise you, when we're done, you can watch your monkey video.
How does that sound? Good.
Okay, let's get started.
- Hmm.
- Uh, "Names, ages" Oh, do you want to be buried or cremated? - Buried.
- Buried.
Okay, great.
Uh, moving on to the estate.
"In the event that one of you gets remarried" Ha! Next question, man.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Whoa.
Hold on.
Why is that funny? 'Cause I would never be with another woman after you.
And you definitely couldn't be with another man.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, Calvin, if you up and die tomorrow, you would expect me to be single for the rest of my life? Uh, yeah.
Winnie Mandela did it.
Coretta Scott King did it.
Tina Butler can do it, too.
Mandela, Dr.
King.
Why don't you just compare yourself to Jesus? Well, fine.
When I die, you got three days, and I'm coming back.
Stop playing with me, Tina.
I forbid you to remarry after I die.
Well, if you keep it up, you won't have to.
Hey, who wants to watch a monkey video? So, you see, Grover, even though Charlotte dies in the end, the sacrifices she made for Wilbur the pig show us what true friendship really is.
All it did was make me want bacon.
Remind me to never let you read Old Yeller.
Hey, Malcolm.
Oh, hey, Dave.
Uh, Gemma asked me to come over and help Grover out with his book report.
Huh.
That's usually my job.
It was until I got a C on the last one.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't care what Ms.
Sweeney says.
Charlie did nothing to deserve that chocolate factory.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi, I'm - Sofia? - Sofia? Sofia! So, Sofia, what languages do you speak again? Well, English, Spanish, French Ooh, French.
As in fries, toast and kissing.
Gemma, you're embarrassing me.
Sorry.
She also graduated cum laude from Berkeley.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, she mentioned that at the restaurant.
You know who else went to Berkeley? Frank M.
Business.
The "M" stands for Mindyourown.
Um, Gemma, uh, where's the bathroom? Oh, uh, through the door next to the stairs.
[CHUCKLING.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Really? I can't believe y'all did this.
Hey, don't look at me.
I had nothing to do with this.
I've been upstairs brushing up on Charlotte's Web.
Like a sucker.
[SIGHS.]
It's true.
This is all on me.
I just wanted you to give Sofia another shot.
Once you spend some more time with her, you'll forget all about her silly little laugh.
Gemma, this is not cool.
I told you I'm not interested in her or the fact that she speaks French.
Bon-Bonjour! [CHUCKLES.]
Oh! [SPEAKING FRENCH.]
Bonjour.
[CACKLING.]
I'd take my mom's haircut over that any day.
Ooh.
So, who gets the house me or Malcolm? Whichever one of you promises not to let your new stepdaddy move in.
Oh, come on, Calvin.
You know, look, if I die tomorrow, I would want you to do what you have to to be happy.
Oh, really? So you'd be okay if I married Monique Baker? That skank ho?! Don't you talk about Marty's stepmother like that.
Wait.
Wait, who is Monique Baker? She's a skank ho, that's who! She used to sing in the choir with your mother, and I ain't gonna lie She was pretty easy on the eyes.
What? You wouldn't want me to be with somebody ugly now, would you? I mean, that would be disrespecting your legacy.
So you been cheating on me in your mind all these years? Come on, Tina.
You know my mind.
You know I don't think.
Well, you thought her name up pretty quick.
Yeah, it was pretty quick, Dad.
You just lost the house.
Damn it.
And I'm not understanding why you're so upset.
'Cause I was ready to mourn for the rest of my life, but no you want us to be happy.
Okay, fine.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I shouldn't get remarried when you're gone.
See? Now, that's what I'm talking about.
I mean, why tie myself down to one man when I can date a whole bunch of 'em? Oh, oh, oh, oh! W-What'd you just say? Uh, maybe now's a good time for me to get a snack.
Or, you know, leave forever.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
You heard me.
Maybe I should play the field, you know, even go back to Jamaica, get my groove back.
Or maybe I should date a younger guy.
I hear Monique's son is really good-looking.
You stay away from my future wife's son.
Wait, uh, time-out.
You do realize that means you would be dating my stepbrother? Ooh, you are so smart.
I wonder if you get it from your late father.
What's his name again? You know what, that's it.
If I die, I'm coming back as a ghost.
Let's see you keep a boyfriend when I'm poltergeisting his ass.
Oh, and you know what else? Sofia was telling me about how much she loves to read.
Malcolm's a big reader, too.
What are you reading these days? - Oh, all kinds of stuff.
- Mm.
E-mails, text message [CHUCKLES.]
takeout menus.
[CACKLING.]
Guys, I think the cat from the alley is back.
And it sounds like she's having babies.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh, go back upstairs and finish your book report, Sweetie.
Well, I guess I should be getting home.
Well, but it's still early.
Yeah, well, when you're a security guard, you need a lot of rest.
Otherwise you might fall for a sneak attack.
Oh, okay.
It was nice to see you.
It was nice to see you, too.
Malcolm, before you leave, can I see you in the kitchen? I have an important security guarding question.
Sofia, uh [CHUCKLES.]
you're an English teacher.
You tell me those Oompa Loompas didn't deserve the chocolate factory.
Malcolm, don't leave now.
You're not giving her a chance.
That's because I told you I'm not interested.
Just because of her laugh? Which, by the way, I happen to think is cute.
[SOFIA CACKLING.]
Okay, Grover's right.
It's like a catfight in her throat.
But she's so great in every other way.
She's just not for me, okay? Fine.
I guess I'm just disappointed.
I didn't think you were so superficial.
No, look, Gemma, I'm not superficial, all right? It's just [EXHALES.]
It's just what? All right, you want the truth? The problem is not her laugh.
- I actually like it.
- Really? I mean, really? Yes, okay? It's got character.
She doesn't hold back, and I think that's cool.
Okay, so then what's the deal breaker? It's me.
I'm the deal breaker.
I-I got to go.
[SCOFFS.]
Hey, it was really great to see you.
Um, good night.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
What just happened? [SPUTTERS.]
I don't know.
It's definitely not something to laugh about.
Oh, yeah? Well, me and my boy toy, Winston, we gonna lie on the beach in Jamaica and listen to reggae music all day.
Yeah, well, that's all right.
Because I'm gonna be on the couch while Monique feeds me the best macaroni and cheese I've ever had.
You said that I made the best macaroni and cheese.
You did.
But you dead.
Guys, please.
No, no, no, no, no, no! That-That's all right.
'Cause I don't even cook anymore.
Yeah, me and Winston We hired a private chef with the money that we got from selling your shop! Marty, when I die, burn down my shop.
Okay! Before I get arrested for arson and have to be bailed out by my stepbrother/dad, can you both sit down and be quiet? Fine.
I was gonna sit down anyway.
I can't believe you guys are arguing about this.
Do you know how lucky you are? People my age can't find somebody to be with for more than two weeks.
If it weren't for you two, I I wouldn't even believe in love anymore.
I mean, look at you.
After 30 years, you're both still so in love with each other that you're jealous of people that don't even exist.
Monique Baker exists.
You know, I would've never even brought her up if you weren't so ready to move on and forget about me.
I could never forget about you.
Calvin, you're my soul mate.
If I lost you, I would be devastated.
How devastated? Calvin, why are we even talking about this? I don't want to imagine life without you.
I know.
I'd miss me, too.
[CHUCKLES.]
Give me a kiss, you big old sexy honey bear, you.
- Come here.
[CHUCKLING.]
- [CHUCKLING.]
Okay, okay.
If you guys are good, - let's get this over with.
- You know what, Marty, we're gonna have to do this another time.
Your mother and I have some making up to do.
Okay, that is it.
Malcolm is definitely inheriting the couch.
Well, in that case, you ain't gonna want the truck either.
Hey, Malcolm.
I was just coming over to see how you're doing.
I'm fine.
Just went for a little walk.
So, how'd the rest of the night with Sofia go? Kind of weird.
Dave tried to keep her from laughing by talking about the opioid crisis and how all the bees are dying.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, what did you mean when you said you're the deal breaker? Look, Sofia is amazing.
She's beautiful, she's sophisticated, she's successful.
But look at me, Gemma.
I'm still living at home, trying to get my life together.
That's not how anyone sees you.
You're a great guy.
Well, maybe, but what do I have to offer her? Aside from watching Netflix on my parents' couch while my pops rubs lotion on his feet.
Yeah, he's done that on our couch, too.
Look, the fact is, Sofia's out of my league right now.
Malcolm where you are now in your life is gonna change.
What's not gonna change is who you are.
And Sofia likes who you are.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
- She said that? Why don't you read the text yourself? Oh.
Well, she talks a lot about my butt.
[CHUCKLES.]
Kind of makes me feel like a piece of meat.
- I like that.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Look, Sofia's a total catch, and you shouldn't let her get away.
And I would tell her the exact same thing about you.
Thank you, Gemma.
I'm gonna go give her a call.
- [GASPS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
Just like that, Dr.
Wedding Bells saves another patient.
CALVIN: Shut the damn door! Was he putting lotion on his feet? Yeah, let's just go with that.
So, before you married Tina and were dating, did you have any deal breakers? I only had two rules, Dave.
Pretty feet and a big ole butt.
Well, what about with friends Any rules there? A bunch.
No one from Michigan, no optimists and definitely no one named Dave.
Well, you know, I happen to have a few rules of my own.
All right.
Let's hear 'em.
They have to be grumpy, they have to know everything and they definitely have to be able to fix a car.
Dave, if those are your rules, that would mean we would be best friends.
You said it, not me.
Booyah!