The Ranch (2016) s02e09 Episode Script

I guess when we said we were gonna be friends, we were both full of shit.
- We are friends.
- Oh, yeah? This is how you said goodbye to Dale the last time he came over? No.
I asked him to give a cow an enema.
So, what now? Uh, I don't know.
We said we weren't gonna kiss, and we did, so maybe, along those lines, we should not go to Hawaii? Hey, Beau, do you ever think maybe we're going too fast? I'm 71.
Nothing moves fast.
I'm just sayin', we've we've never gone to dinner, we've never gone dancing and you've never met my horses.
- You have horses? - Two.
Butch and Sundance.
You shouldn't tell me stuff like that if you don't want me to kiss you again.
But I hear you.
If we're gonna do this, we should do it right.
- I should court you.
- Court me? Wow.
Well, I should tell you if you're planning to request my father's permission, he's been dead for 20 years.
How about dinner Saturday night? I'll pick you up in my horse and buggy.
Great.
How's 7:00? 7:00? What is this, Europe? How about 5:00? Okay, great.
- Bye, Beau.
- See you then.
What the hell.
- Hey, Colt.
- Hey.
What's going on? Everything okay? Yeah.
I just, uh, got back from the doctor's office.
And I got a new ultrasound.
- That's our kid.
- Yeah, it is.
He still kind of looks like a little alien.
Okay, good.
It's not just me.
The doctor was like, "Isn't your baby cute?" And all I'm thinkin' was, "Is this thing gonna burst out of my chest and kill Sigourney Weaver?" Okay, I'm definitely filmin' the birth now.
Look, Colt, I know we haven't really gotten a chance to talk about how we're gonna do this - but I got a couple doctor bills.
- No.
Say no more.
I got it.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, of course.
Two hundred and fifty dollars? For an ultrasound? Sears will do a portrait of your whole family for $29.
99.
I thought you said you had insurance.
Yeah, that's after insurance.
- Look, Colt, if it's a problem, I - No.
No, it's no problem.
Just didn't realize how expensive it was gonna be.
Yeah, well, wait till the kid's actually born.
Darlene has to buy her kids new clothes all the time.
I mean, eventually, she just started datin' guys who had kids six months older than hers.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, hey.
Let me see.
Check it out, Uncle Rooster.
Oh, that's sweet, man.
Yeah.
Just think, in 12 years, I'm gonna get this tiny little thing shit-faced drunk.
- I gotta go, but, um, thanks again, Colt.
- Yeah, of course.
Oh, hey, uh don't worry about Rooster.
The drinkin' age for this kid is gonna be a hard 14.
What's up? Oh, need the Bronco.
I got a job up at Rifle today.
The ad said, "Porklift driver needed.
" So, either it was a typo, or I'm pickin' up a bunch of pigs.
I'm going to Abby's tonight.
So when are you gonna be back? I got no idea.
Probably about an hour after they say, "All right, that's the last pig, boys.
Head on home.
" Hey, uh, them tires on that truck are gettin' pretty bald.
Slid off the road a couple weeks ago.
- Almost went off a cliff.
- Oh.
Yeah, my whole life flashed before my eyes.
It was like a SportsCenter top ten of awesome shit.
Number one was the time I met Kenny Chesney at the Dairy Queen.
He bought me a MooLatté.
Yeah, it was probably real sweet for him, too.
That's why guys get into music, you know, to meet other dudes.
Can I just get them keys? Do you hear me? That truck needs new tires.
Great.
Well then, do it up.
Uh, well, I kinda need your help to: "Do it up.
" - It's our truck, remember? - Colt, I have no money.
Well, I ain't exactly sittin' on a ton of money myself.
And I got a baby on the way, man.
I just I need your help.
All right.
Well, here's some help.
Wear a fucking condom.
Woulda only cost you 75 cents.
- Hey, Maggie.
- You've gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me.
Believe it or not, I've gotten worse welcomes.
Here's everything I took, plus interest.
Okay.
Thanks.
Bye.
I'm sorry.
I was out of options.
I just needed to get to my next gig, then I knew I could pay you back.
I had a really good time with you that night.
I don't want you thinking it was just a way to get your guard down.
Why would I think that? Oh, yeah.
You fucking robbed me.
I really am sorry.
And you know the worst part? I didn't make any money at that gig, so I had to rob them to pay you back.
- Too soon for that joke? - You think? Here, I got you this.
A kachina doll? You said your mom was part Chippewa, so I thought you might like it.
This is the Hopi trickster god.
This little guy is supposed to have the power to bring change to your life.
He's also a bottle opener.
Is his ass a cigarette lighter? You said you wanted to visit all 50 states and you never got to do it.
Hopefully he fixes that.
Well never had anyone take my money and buy me a gift with it.
Actually, that's not true.
My sons do it every year on my birthday.
Look, Clint, I appreciate you payin' me back.
And honestly, I'm surprised you remember I wanted to travel.
- But if you think this makes up for - I don't.
I'm just trying to do what I think is right.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
- You should get the fuck out now.
- Right.
Hey, Colt, will you give me a hand? Oh, right, forgot.
No sense of humor.
What's wrong? The generator.
Damn thing went out again.
But I'm sure you'll be able to fix it.
See, I've got a great sense of humor.
It's got a fuse out? Got some corrosion on the terminals? Electric starter broke? You gonna ask me if it's out of gas next? Well, not now.
Want me to call Rooster? - He fixed it last time.
- No.
Nope.
You know, he is the generator whisperer.
And that ain't exaggerated either.
He literally leans in and pats it, says, "Come on, baby, tell Daddy what's wrong.
" We'll fix it ourselves.
Hey, uh I really didn't wanna ask you this, but - would it be possible if I got a raise? - Sure.
There's my delightful sense of humor again.
Yeah.
No, it's for a good reason.
I told Heather I'd help out with medical bills.
I don't think I realized how expensive havin' a baby is.
No, it's like like an Xbox, you know? Think it's only gonna be a couple hundred bucks and then you gotta get the games and the controller and the headset.
That's right, Colt.
Having a child is just like an Xbox.
Hey, I was just hopin' you'd give me a hand.
Look things are pretty tight around here right now.
We've got cows to get through the winter.
Gotta hire a new man in the spring.
I'd love to help you two out, but all I can spare is a couple hundred bucks right now.
Yeah, I understand.
Kids don't come cheap, Colt.
When your mother got pregnant, we had to sit down, work out a real strict budget.
You know we used to have Broncos seats? We gave those up for you and Rooster.
Wow.
No wonder you hate us.
Well, I'm just saying, bein' a parent means making sacrifices.
Whatever it takes, I'm ready.
You know, I missed the Broncos winnin' the '87 AFC Championship because Rooster was playing' a fuckin' tree in Peter Pan.
Hey, Mom, what's 12 times 24? Two hundred eighty-eight.
- How'd you do that so fast? - I imagined 12 cases of beer.
Oh, you know, the last time I saw you doing math, you were figuring out how many days of community service you had left.
Wait, are you really doing math? Or are you just writin' "boobs" on a calculator? No.
I'm comin' up with a budget to figure out how I can help with the baby.
Think I covered all the essentials.
I got food, water, shelter, beer.
Don't forget Xbox.
Well, shit! All right.
Goodbye, food.
Got to figure out how to make this work.
- You know, I have a little money saved up.
- No.
Why not? I could help.
I'm not lettin' my girlfriend pay for the baby I'm having with my ex-girlfriend.
Yeah, when you say it like that, it's a hard sell.
Guess I'm gonna have to get a second job.
Do you remember, uh, Craig Toomin? He was the Garrison Mustang our junior year.
Oh, hell, yeah.
Yeah, I dared that guy to hump the Lakewood Buffalo.
Didn't realize it was gonna be a real buffalo.
Yeah, he still did it.
Well, he is the manager at Safeway.
I ain't working at fuckin' Safeway.
I don't know.
I mean, he came in for career day, and he made it sound pretty good.
He got four applications.
Although, to be fair, one of them was from Hugh G.
Rection.
Oh.
- No.
- That's funny! No.
Oh, my God, now, what would I do though? Like, run the meat department or somethin'? I don't think you're qualified to run the meat department.
I could run the shit out of the meat department.
Quarter pound of ground beef.
What else? Hey.
Oh, hey, man.
- How'd that job in Rifle go? - Yeah, it was all right.
Turns out it was a forklift operator, but I was loadin' pallets of bacon, so it was kind of both.
Hey, uh, the genny broke again.
Any way you could stop by later, take a look at it? Yeah, I'll swing by.
And be honest now, am I fixing the original problem? Or what you broke trying to fix it? Very funny.
Little bit of both.
Thanks, Mom.
Hi, Maggie.
Hi, what are you doing here? Oh, what do you mean? This is a great place.
I like the club soda, and I really like the bartender.
Okay, slow down.
Yeah, slow down.
Mom, this guy botherin' you? - Want me to kick the shit out of him? - Colt.
Yeah, relax, Colt.
You can't even fix a generator.
This guy bothering you, Mom? Want me to kick the shit out of him? Okay, now you've met my charming sons, so you know why I stopped at two.
Would you like to sit? I'm surprised to see you're still in town.
Oh, it turns out Garrison is quite the tourist destination.
There's the feed store, the Dairy Queen, the Yarn Barn, the bench in front of the Yarn Barn.
I booked a gig at Duke's Smokehouse in Grand Junction tomorrow night.
You should stop by.
Oh, I can't leave the bar.
These people need me.
You've walked around the town.
Alcohol is all we have.
Well, if you change your mind, your name is on the list.
And let me know if you wanna invite any of them.
Them? Well, this thing is pretty fucked.
Really only one other thing I can try.
Come on, baby.
Daddy needs to hear you purr.
Are you fucking kiddin' me? I just flipped the switch, you idiot.
Anyway, I miss this.
Workin' together.
Messin' with each other.
Dad's jokes are just mean.
Other day, we were by the river, he said, "Hey, you wanna see a magic trick?" I said, "Sure.
" He said, "Watch me disappear.
" He just drove off and fuckin' left me there.
Yeah, that's better than when he says, "You wanna see my boot disappear?" Trust me.
You know you could come work here with us.
I ain't working for Dad again.
Ah, come on.
You're just being stubborn.
You need a ranchin' job.
In the spring, we got one to offer.
The fuck, man? You do that to an employee, it's just assault.
Goddamn.
Well, he made it pretty clear he doesn't want me back, so Well, Dad's gettin' pretty old.
Maybe we can convince him you never left.
What the fuck is he doin' here? Never mind.
- Rooster fixed the generator.
- Yeah.
You're welcome.
All right.
See you later.
I did miss that.
We could do this every day.
I told you not to ask Rooster.
He fixed it.
You know, this don't make any sense.
He needs a job and we got one to give.
I offered him the job.
He turned it down.
Did you offer it to him? Or did you just make him feel like shit for getting fired and not having a job? See, it's how you say things, Dad.
Like this morning when you said, "Why's the fucking coffee burnt?" What you could've said was, "Hey, son, thanks for waking up early and making me coffee.
Next time, I prefer a lighter roast.
" We're not hiring Rooster.
And I'm done with this conversation.
We're better off havin' him here.
You guys gotta get over this little fight.
You're always sayin' family first.
Well, why don't you swallow your pride and do what's best for the family? Hey, son, watch this.
Abra-fucking-cadabra.
- Hey, Beau.
- Hey, Joanne.
So I was gonna bring you some flowers, and then I decided, why not bring Four Roses? Bourbon.
I'll go put this in some water.
Ready to go? About tonight, uh, might have to change our plans a little.
Well, I'm flexible.
We don't have to eat at the Golden Corral.
We can get Golden Corral to go.
Actually, uh, my granddaughter's here.
Her mom was supposed to pick her up an hour ago.
I haven't heard from her yet.
Oh, and I tried to call you before you got all the way out here.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Colt turned my ringer off a while back for church.
I can't figure out how to turn it back on.
So, I think I need a rain check.
Unless you want our first date to include fish sticks and mac and cheese.
That's pretty much what I was gonna order at the Golden Corral.
- Well, come on in.
- Thank you.
Who do we have here? Nicole, I'd like you to meet my friend Beau.
- Hi.
- Hi there, Nicole.
Let me see your phone.
- What? - Come on, let me see your phone.
Nicole, can you turn on Beau's ringer for him? I've been fiddling with that thing for weeks.
Can't imagine she's gonna fix it.
Mr.
Gorbachev, tear down this wall.
Yep, that's my ringtone.
Thanks, folks.
I'll be back in a bit.
Uh, and remember, the more you drink, the better I sound.
Hey.
I didn't think you were comin'.
Oh, I didn't come to see you.
I came to warn the bartender to lock the register.
You joke, but if you distract him, I'll cut you in for half.
- You guys need somethin'? - Uh, I got this.
Uh, they gave me two free drink tickets for playing here, so it's technically not volunteer work.
Uh, I'll have a club soda and Oh, actually, I'm a bartender, too, so keep it simple.
I'll just have whatever's on tap.
Or a bottle.
You know, forget that.
I'll just have a club soda, too.
No, you know what? Fuck that.
I'll have a Sapphire martini, extra dirty, with two olives.
The drink tickets are only good for draft beer.
Oh.
Budweiser? But I still want the two olives.
- So, what made you change your mind? - I don't know.
I wanted to hear you sing.
And I got this great new lighter app I've been dyin' to try out.
- Well, I'm glad you're here.
- Me too.
- Uh, any requests? - Uh, yeah.
More drink tickets.
You know, cows don't really go, "Moo.
" I don't know where that got started.
If anything, it's more like You're laughing, but that was spot on.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
You'd make a good little rancher.
But you don't want your pig to graze next to your horse and your cows.
That's a recipe for amoebic giardia.
But Piggy and Horsey are friends.
Well, if you don't fix that fence up, Piggy and Horsey are gonna get slaughtered by Wolfy and Coyote.
Hey, sweetie, that was your mommy.
Guess what? She says you can sleep over tonight.
Yay! Wish I'd known that before I gave you all that candy.
So, how about you run upstairs and get ready for bed, and I'll be up in a minute and read you a bedtime story, okay? - Okay, Nana.
- Hmm? - Say good night to Beau.
- Good night, Beau.
Good night, ranch hand.
You know, she showed an interest.
If you need a bedtime story, I think I've got some pamphlets in the truck on hoof and mouth disease.
That was my daughter.
She got arrested for a DUI.
And it's her third one.
So that means jail and rehab and no license.
- It's a damn mess.
- Anything I can do to help? Oh, I appreciate that, but I don't think so.
I'll just go check on Nicole.
Sure you're gonna be all right? Yeah.
Thanks.
All right.
I'll call you later.
Actually I think I I think I need to put this on hold for a little while.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'd love to see where this is going, but I need to focus on my family for now.
I understand.
If it'll help, I can help you talk to your daughter.
Ask the boys, I'm pretty good at yelling.
I've done that.
All I did was blow up my family.
I'm just gonna be supportive.
How do you handle all this without getting mad? Oh, I'm gonna be mad.
Tomorrow morning, after I drop off Nicole at kindergarten, Nana's going to the range and blow shit up.
Well have some fun.
- What's up, Ab? - Hey.
Hey, where's, uh, Colt? I need to take the Bronco over to Mary's house.
I don't know, but he said he'd be home soon.
You want a cookie? They got pot in 'em? Walnuts.
Hey.
- Hey! - Hey.
Good, you're home.
- Got to take the truck over to Mary's.
- I need it tonight.
No.
No, no, no.
Dude, you don't understand, okay? There's a very narrow sex window between when the grandkids go to sleep and when The Voice starts.
I mean, sometimes it gets crazy.
Mary starts yellin', "You better turn around!" I don't know if she's talking to me or Blake Shelton.
But why would you have to turn around during sex? - Well, you really wanna know? - Oh, God! I'm headin' out in a bit.
I'll drop you off.
Where are you goin'? You just got here.
Got a job.
Safeway.
Yeah, good one.
Hey, why don't you drop me off at the hospital on the way, and I can, uh, go play checkers with some old, sick people.
Seriously? You talked to Craig? What changed your mind? Family first.
Got to stock shelves to take care of my kid, I'll stock shelves.
Holy shit! You're a stock boy? What happened? Walmart doesn't need no greeters? Look, I know this isn't easy for you.
It wasn't my first choice, but it'll do.
Four or five nights a week.
That's 20 hours, 200 bucks.
Plus, they're lettin' me bring home all the damaged fruit.
Anyone want a bruised peach or what we'll call brown berries? I'm proud of you, Colt.
Here.
You want a cookie? Oh, thank you.
They got walnuts in them.
Walnuts got pot in 'em? So - you happy you came? - Are you kidding? This is just what I needed.
I never do stuff like this.
I told the bartender my name was Cindy.
No real reason.
I just felt like it.
Okay.
Somebody used both their drink tickets, didn't you? I'm just saying, you know? Here, I'm not a bartender, I'm not someone's mother, I'm not someone's ex-wife.
I'm just me.
Cindy from Tulsa.
You got a whole backstory, huh? Oh, yeah.
I'm wanted by the FBI.
No big deal.
Just, seriously, thank you, thank you, thank you for asking me.
- I had such a good time.
- It's nice to have somebody to play for.
Wanna grab a bite to eat? Oh, I was thinkin' we'd do somethin' else.
Sure.
What'd you have in mind? Okay, that's way better than my idea.
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Can I have some of that? Yeah, sure.
It's your whiskey.
Mmm.
We gotta stop this.
- Drinkin'? - God, no.
This.
I want you to come back, work on the ranch.
Dad we've been through this.
I know you want to run your own ranch.
And if that opportunity comes along, I want you to take it.
I've always said family comes first.
I've lost sight of that more than anyone.
I'd agree with that.
But I'd also say I'm not free of blame.
I would agree with that.
So what do you say? I'm your number two? Talk to your brother.
- I'm your number two.
- All right.
We got a deal? Yes, sir.
See you in the morning.
Right.
- Rooster - Mmm? Don't drink so much you're fuckin' late.