The Real O'Neals (2016) s02e09 Episode Script

1 How's that pressure? They train us to just use our fingertips.
Hmm, it's perfect.
It's much better than the way Mother does it.
That's good to know.
Mmm.
- How's the temperature? - Good.
Good.
It's getting hot.
I know.
No, seriously, my scalp is burning! Oh, dear! I'm so sorry.
Here, I-I'll be right back.
[Sighs.]
Wait.
Where's Clive? You're supposed to bring him over to my chair, Eileen.
I don't trust myself with him.
It's like I'm angry, but I'm angry in my pants.
You want to have sex, Eileen.
No, that is not how I do things.
Look, I can control my urges.
[Sighing.]
Oh, damn him.
He's just so sexy all the time.
I need some air.
Kenny: Alicia Keys might be able to walk around with no makeup on, but now that Brett's in the picture, this diva needs a little help.
[Muffled.]
Tomorrow, you are going to look absolutely stunning.
[Sighs.]
Brett! [Swallows.]
You're here! [Grunts.]
Sweet Sissy Spacek.
[Chuckles.]
You have a curler in your hair.
No, I don't.
[Chuckles.]
How did you get in here? I climbed in your window.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Did my parents see you? - No, I don't think they were - Shh! [Whispering.]
These walls are paper-thin.
Jimmy: Hey, Brett! [Normal voice.]
See? Okay, I'm sorry.
I won't stay long.
I just wanted to see where you live.
Look at this room! You've got your ribbons and plaques.
What's that? "Perfect Attendance.
" Yeah, powered through shingles to get that one, NBD.
Supposed to get another one this year.
Attendance is kind of my jam.
You know, I usually go for the bad boys, not the altar boys.
I am not an altar boy.
It's funny I have never dated a Secretary General of the Model U.
N.
or a Kiwanis Teen of the Week before.
I I, like, barely won that award.
I didn't even show up to the ceremony on time.
Ooh, real rebel.
Yeah, damn right I am.
[Chuckles.]
I have a boy in my room after hours who I might just kiss.
Mm, hold on.
I do not feel good.
I should not have swallowed that whitening strip.
I got a real funny tummy right now.
Well, we are officially no longer married.
Mm-hmm.
We should do something special to, you know, signify it.
Oh, yeah, yeah! Yeah.
Like a fancy handshake.
- Yeah! - Okay.
Oh.
There.
Okay.
- Just good marriage.
- Hey, also with you.
Thank you.
Well, I guess we should divide up our assets, huh? [Both chuckle.]
Oh, here we go.
Uh I bequeath to you one salt and pepper shaker from Un Poco Mexican Restaurant.
Aww, Pat.
Are you sure? Ah, yeah.
Look, you stole them anyway, and I was never really comfortable with it.
And your half of the estate is a gift certificate for a free couples massage.
- Oh, hey! - Huh? Someday, you can take some special lady Oh, no.
It expires tomorrow.
Gloria it is! Hey, Pat! Greetings, my lady.
I have come to finally ask you on a proper date.
Bam! Couples massage.
Has everything a real date's supposed to have hot rocks, aromatherapy, uncomfortable nudity! Now's not a good time.
Well, here's the thing, though.
It's kind of got to happen in the next 16 hours, because this gift certificate expires today.
So, why don't I just come on in? You can finish what you're doing, and we'll go, okay? Um, uh How do I say this? There's someone here, Pat.
Like a housekeeper? Yes but it's a man.
Who I just had sex with.
Oh, wow, okay! I mean, you moved so slow, I-I just assumed you weren't interested.
Um, well, this wasn't a romantic thing.
No, no no.
This was this is couples massage for a couple of friends, and I totally expected you to have somebody here.
I just left a girl at my place.
Yeah.
Blair Underwood.
No relation, but she gets that all the time.
I'm gonna go.
[School bell rings.]
Brothers from the same mother! I need your help.
We're supposed to dissect live frogs in biology today, but I am starting a petition to stop it.
Man, you're so lucky! The only thing I got to dissect was a starfish.
They don't even have vaginas! Aww, poor Jimmy.
Another thing hiding its vagina from you.
Since when is this your cause? There's two things I care most about in this world frogs, and the dismantling of the Federal Bank.
Okay, well, I'm with you on the frogs thing.
But I actually have faith in our banking system.
Then you're a damn fool.
But hand out these petitions for me.
If we get 100 signatures, they'll cancel the class.
I'll sign it for you if you draw me a picture of where a starfish's privates are.
Like, if my hand is a starfish, where the party be at? - Ow! - [Cellphone vibrating.]
Oh, wait.
This is Brett.
I have to take this.
Um, but I will get signatures for you at lunch, okay? [Clears throat.]
[Deep voice.]
What's up, yo? Oh, sorry.
Wrong number.
[Normal voice.]
Oh, no, no, no.
Sorry, it's me.
It's Kenny.
I'm saying a normal hello.
Go for Kenny.
Hey, what are you doing right now? Ah, you know, I'm just at school, watching these losers get to class.
Yeah, move it, nerd! [Whispering.]
I'm so sorry, Lars.
I'll see you at Model U.
N.
later.
[Normal voice.]
What are you up to? On Tuesdays, we have a walk-away lunch, and, uh, I'd like to walk away with you.
Uh, you want to come? I actually I don't have a walk-away lunch.
Oh, okay, well, I don't want you to get in trouble or anything.
So, how 'bout later, then? A-are you kidding? I love trouble.
Trouble, actually, is not just the name of a board game I excel at.
It's also a word to describe something I like to get into.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Right? Um, so, in summary, you and me, lunch it's happening.
[Knock on door.]
Oh! Eileen! Well, what a nice surprise.
Um, what brings you by? Well, I just thought I'd drop by, bring some lunch, say hi, and mention that my divorce from Pat is now final.
- Oh.
- As of today, I am no longer a married woman.
[Chuckles.]
I am so pleased for you.
How's Pat taking it? He's such a sensitive guy.
He has sad eyes.
Did you ever notice that? Clive, I don't think you understand.
I can now do things that unmarried women do.
Things that married women can't do, right? Like file an individual tax return or have intimate relations with another consenting adult who is also not married? [Inhales sharply.]
Oh! Mm, yes.
[Chuckles.]
Well, I'm not sure what's about to go down, but this has the potential to be the most significant moment I've ever experienced in the vice principal's office, so I would just like to make the mood a little more special.
Okay.
Yeah.
Oh.
Well well The lighting is romantic, but the mist also helps with my sinuses.
Oh.
Have I told you I have a deviated septum? Let's not talk about that.
- [Knock on door, door opens.]
- Clive, I need a pep talk.
Oh.
I see this is a bad time.
Eileen just told me about the divorce papers.
How you doing, buddy? Oh, I'm good.
I'm I'm just gonna go see a movie.
Something with, uh Blair Underwood.
[Sighs.]
What is my problem? He'll be okay, right? Yeah, until he finds out Blair Underwood's really more of a TV actor.
- [Fire alarm wailing.]
- Aah! Aah! Crap, it's the candles! Why is that alarm so sensitive? It's just a big wooden building full of children! Well, what should we do? We got to go out to the blacktop, take attendance.
Wha we could just head over to my place.
Let them burn! I'm not sure if this is inappropriate, but [Sighs.]
you look a little tense, and I think a massage could help us both.
Oh, you know what? Never mind.
Peace be with you.
Jimmy! Hey! How'd you like to grab a couples massage with the old man? Leave school in the middle of the day? And miss my math quiz? - I'm in.
- Oh, wait, if there's a math quiz No take-backs! - Sorry I'm late.
- Oh! I raced home to pick something up.
Oh.
Oh, Clive.
It's our first time.
Can't we just keep it simple? Oh, simple's the only way I know how to do it.
[Clears throat.]
I just thought these sensual oils might be nice to just relax us.
Yeah, well, we don't need to relax, right? We're two consenting adults in an empty house.
And, by the way, the mailman already came, so we won't be interrupted.
- Eileen O'Neal? - Yeah.
Give me your forearm.
Ooh, that's nice! I only use oil to cook.
- Right.
- But this is nice.
It's kind of warm.
- Is that right? - Feel this.
Oh, okay.
[Chuckles.]
- Ooh! - Ooh! Yeah, little bit of a tickle there.
Yeah.
- Um - Wow.
It is heating up there, huh? - It sure is.
- Whew.
Aah! No! Now my forehead's on fire.
Aah! It's like a thousand knives! Get it off! Get it off! How old are these stupid oils? I got them as a gag gift at a Y2K party.
It's crazy we're still alive to use them, though, huh? - It burns, it burns! - Ow! I need to prove to Brett that I'm a bad boy, but how? So, tell me about your exes.
What were they like? - I don't want to talk about them.
- Come on.
This car is a safe space.
I mean, not physically, because your oil light is on, but emotionally.
Come on, just tell me about one of them.
Did you, like, cut school and eat lunch? Is that, like, your go-to move? Sometimes, okay? But we didn't eat in the car.
He had a motorcycle.
Mm, that's cool.
I'm actually trained in stage combat and unicycling.
- That's not nothing.
- [Cellphone beeping.]
Oh, crap, five minutes to get back to class.
Does that mean you have to get back to class? What? No, that's just a text from my drug dealer.
What?! Oh, God, I've gone too far.
I'm just kidding.
Um that is an alarm to tell me to do something crazy.
What is something crazy that you've always wanted to do? Um okay.
This is gonna sound really lame, but I have always wanted to get a tattoo.
Me, too! I've always wanted to get a tattoo.
No, I haven't! don't want a tattoo! Let's do it now.
Why can't I stop my big stupid mouth? It's a little weird that Gloria had somebody over, right? I mean, who has sex when it's light out and you can see each other? I tell you, people do the strangest things sometimes.
Jimmy: I hear you, Dad.
Is this good? I could use a little more pressure.
- Okay.
- Oh, yeah.
[Grunting.]
- To be fair, though, - Mm-mmh.
you and Gloria never really dated, right? Well, no, not really.
But we had a lot of potential, you know? It was all ahead of us.
Mm! Mm-hmm.
Mm.
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
Why are you two massaging each other? Damn it, Jimmy! I told you that's not how this works! - I I - [Sighs.]
Murray: Thank God this calamine lotion's flesh-colored.
It just blends right in.
Yeah.
Oh.
[Seductively.]
All right.
Third time's the charm.
[Sighing.]
Oh.
Yep.
Yep.
That's, uh that's Pat's side.
Oh, right.
That's that's my side.
Oh, um You know, let's just Why don't we try the bench? Okay.
Sorry, I just There hasn't been any other man in this bed besides Pat for 18 years.
Oh, well, you should really change your mattress every 10 years, as is recommended by the manufacturer.
Oh, really? Huh.
Maybe I should get one of those, um memory-foam mattresses.
Oh, yeah, I would definitely recommend memory foam.
Or latex.
It's heavy, but it's durable.
You really know a lot about mattresses.
I just bought one for myself.
I recommend Raffi.
He's over at Mattress Planet.
[Cellphone ringing.]
It's the school.
Hello? Oh, okay.
I'll be right there.
What is it? What happened? Whoa! [Needle buzzing.]
Have you decided yet? You know, I'm just gonna spin around and point at the wall, and whatever I point at, that's what I'm gonna get.
That's badass.
[Chuckles.]
Damn right it is.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
"RIP Kevin" it is.
You sure? Kevins die every day, man.
I'll know one eventually.
I feel like you might be trying to impress him.
This is permanent.
I know.
I'm good.
All right.
You look pale, Kenny.
I'm always pale when I'm fired up! [Chuckles nervously.]
- [Needle buzzing.]
- Okay.
This may hurt a lot.
[Breathing heavily.]
Pat: Wow, your elbows feel so good.
Much better than Jimmy's.
How you doing over there, son? Oh, yeah.
Just two naked dudes hanging out.
Naked? I'm not naked.
It's actually been a really long time since a woman's touched me, and so I'm wearing boxers and briefs just in case, you know, the circus comes to town.
We should have just let them massage each other.
You know [Sighs.]
I sure am glad you're here with me instead of Gloria.
- Yeah, she would've ruined this.
- Hmm.
And I'm glad at the fact that she's having day sex with some random dude isn't getting you down.
Yeah, I'd almost forgotten about it.
Your life is pretty sweet right now, Dad.
You got all this freedom because your marriage is over.
It sure is.
And you're starting a new life in your own 200-square-foot house.
It's 190.
And you don't have to listen to anyone or do anything you don't want to, because you are all alone! Yes, okay.
I get it! I'm all alone, all right? I live in a garage.
I just got dumped by a girl I'm not even dating.
Your mother's lover is my best friend.
And despite all this underwear, the circus is in town! What is going on? I hate these kids.
One of the little monsters let the frogs out of the biology lab.
What Oh, my God.
Do you see what's happening? First, it was the fire with the smoke alarm.
Then it was the boils with the sex oil, and now frogs! What are you talking about? Plagues.
It's a sign.
God is punishing me for my lustful ways.
He sent plagues at every turn just to stop me.
I'm sorry, Clive, but God is telling me that I shouldn't do this.
I don't know what other plagues he's gonna send.
I mean, I could handle cattle disease.
A sea of blood? It's just not worth it.
[Frog croaking.]
[Moaning sleepily.]
Are you feeling better? I guess.
Did I do it? Oh, my God, I did it! I'm tuh-tooed! You sure are, killer.
Wait, where is it? All I see is this freckle.
No, that's it.
When the needle hit your arm, you passed out.
Legally, I had to stop.
I fainted? Like a lady? [Groans.]
- Hey, where's my friend? - He left.
I knew it.
I knew this relationship wouldn't last.
God, I'm such an idiot.
I was trying to be cool, but I'm not cool.
Nah, it's not the first word that I would use to describe you.
So, what's going on, Dad? Well, I thought that I was upset about Gloria, but that doesn't make any sense because we weren't even in a relationship, so I didn't lose anything.
I think what I'm upset about is just the thought of being alone.
Dad, a man alone is a bachelor.
The world is your oyster.
Y-you could you could have sex with twins, or you could buy a crossbow.
I've always wanted a crossbow.
And when you're not doing those things, you have me and Kenny and Shannon.
No matter what, we're always gonna be there for you.
But I should spend more time by myself.
I mean, I need to be comfortable with [Chuckles.]
well, me.
I know you're gonna love it, Dad.
Just based on today, I can say that being with you is pretty awesome.
I couldn't keep my hands off you.
And when you're done being by yourself, there is no limit to the amount of women you're gonna have in your tiny house.
Well, there is actually a limit, 'cause I spaced it out.
It's like five.
It's that with two in the loft? Yeah.
Oh, hey! Kenny, hey.
There you are.
Oh, my God, did you come here to break up with me to my face? Okay, well, let me make it easy for you.
I know that you date bad boys, and you enter houses in unconventional ways, but I'm Kenny O'Neal.
I'm a front-door man.
That sounded really sexual.
Okay, what I meant to say is, I am not a bad boy, and I never will be.
So, I accept your resignation.
Do you want to take a breath? [Sighing.]
Yes.
- [Exhales.]
- Okay, relax.
I'm not here to break up with you.
I left to get you a Gatorade, and then, when I came back, you were gone.
[Sighs.]
That is so sweet.
I-I don't want some bad guy, okay? They're awful, and sometimes they steal your leather jacket.
Really? Really.
Well, what kind of guy do you want? Maybe a guy whose bangs were curled with an old-lady curler? I bought that in the men's section at Sephora.
Relax, okay? I think good guys are hot.
Yeah? Well, this morning, I brought up my neighbor's trash cans because they have Alzheimer's.
Keep talking.
I put change in other people's meters, and sometimes, I slip an encouraging note in my brother's lunch.
I want to kiss you.
Hey! You screwed me, Kenny.
You were supposed to get me signatures at lunch, but you weren't even here.
So, I had take matters into my own hands, and I released all the frogs.
Velzey: Shannon O'Neal, I need to speak with you! You'll never take me alive! Everything's gonna be fine, Brett.
You just try to control yourself while this good guy gets to work.
Mrs.
Velzey, hi.
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
Shannon wasn't the one who released the frogs.
It was me.
I find that hard to believe.
Oh, well, maybe this tuh-too will change your mind.
That tiny freckle? Okay, moving on.
I am the one who did it.
Any punishment you were gonna give to Shannon I will now bear the brunt of.
Two days suspension.
Yeah, no.
It was Shannon.
She went that way.
I'm sorry, but I want another attendance plaque.
Hello, Clive.
- May I come in? - You know you may.
Eileen, I can totally understand how you could see the fire and the boils and the frogs as plagues.
As I say it now, that's all I can think of, too.
Yes, that's why I had to bring my big Mary up from the basement.
Big Mary? What was Kenny doing in the basement? Oh! [Bells toll.]
That Mary.
She is lifelike.
[Chuckles.]
May we speak privately? Look, whatever you say, I am not going to have sex with you here.
Good, because I don't want to have sex with you here, either.
Eileen, those signs, they weren't plagues.
They were miracles, because they stopped us from making our first time something not special.
We were trying to do it in all the wrong places.
Yeah, I guess I really would have regretted it if we had had sex in your office five feet from my kid's homeroom.
Yeah, or your living room or your marital bed.
God wasn't saying, "Shame on you.
" He was saying, "Get a room.
" In fact, he said "Get a suite.
" [Gasps.]
It's a Courtyard by Marriott.
Please tell me it's the one by the airport.
- You know it is.
- [Sighs.]
We can watch the planes take off all night long.
Again and again and again.
Or just one solid takeoff.
Okay.
[Clears throat.]
We should get room service, eh? Well, there is a breakfast buffet included.
Bye, Mom, I'm going to school.
What is that on your arm? Thi Nothing? [Chuckles.]
Come here.
Is that a tuh-too? No, it's a freckle.
I know every inch of your body, and you have never had a freckle there.
Sunspot? You don't tan.
You burn in hell if you don't look at Mary and tell me that that is fresh ink.
- [Bells toll.]
- Oh, God! She's always bigger than you remember.