The Tick (1994) s02e09 Episode Script

[alarm buzzing.]
[sign buzzing.]
[ticking.]
It started as a great day.
No, a super day.
Perfect in every way.
Well, nigh perfect, really.
But pretty good.
Somewhere between very good and vigilant.
He watches the waking city, his majestic form cutting the crisp morning air.
Tick, would you help me fold these sheets, please? Already, a challenge! Ah, the joys of the mundane.
Yeah, you got your end twisted, Tick.
[laughs.]
Yes, I see.
A choreographic conundrum.
Well, that was a little dance-y.
You know why super villains are so unhappy, Arthur? They don't treasure the little things.
- [bell ringing.]
- Quick! No time to lose.
I I don't think my wings are dry yet.
[Arthur screaming.]
[both groan.]
- Oh, my spine! - Can you wiggle your toes, chum? Right! Let's go! [man.]
We've been robbed! So they heisted the jewels, huh? Oh, no.
They didn't take any jewels.
- So they heisted money? - No, it's all here.
- Secret files, heisted? - [man.]
No, wrong again.
All right, I give up.
They heisted the glass from our window.
Ooh That's new.
[woman shrieks.]
Hi.
How are ya? [Tick.]
Hey, you, in the pumps.
I say to you, stop being bad! Barbara, can I get some help here? My name's not Barbara, and I don't help criminals.
Just the other day I was saying to Arthur, the problem with evil is And at this point, did you notice anything creepy about these women? Well, if memory serves All right, who threw that? You're in a lot of trouble, Barbara.
A-ha! So, bad lady, fate has put a dead end to your anarchy dabbling.
Come quietly now, miss.
[screeches.]
Oh, uh, you got a little something on your face.
I Oops.
[screaming.]
Ants in pants.
Ants in pants.
Whoa [continues screaming.]
[man.]
So you chose to come to Captain Sanity's Sanitarium.
- I had a coupon.
- [Captain Sanity.]
Good.
Now, let's get in there and see what makes you tick.
[Captain Sanity chuckles.]
For example, are you, say, in a relationship right now? What? What's that got to do with it? Well, we don't know yet, do we? Just relax.
I am a professional.
You're just some head in a water cooler.
- Now you're getting defensive.
- What the heck happened to you? We're not here to talk about my problems.
We're here to work on yours.
Oh, man! I shouldn't have left him.
You did all you could.
[gasps.]
Now, Tick, I'd like you to meet our physical therapist, Taft.
[woman.]
Who's the man? Who's the big man? - Taft - Darn right.
- Hi, Taft.
- Uh-huh.
Taft [Captain Sanity.]
The first thing I tell my patients is "take it easy.
" It's only in your mind.
That's just it, doc.
My mind has always been my Achilles heel.
[Captain Sanity.]
Well, we have many ways of accessing the unconscious.
I'm a sidekick.
I'm supposed to be at his side.
Arthur, he's with professionals.
Well, I guess they can't make it any worse, right? [shrieking.]
[Captain Sanity.]
Look at it, Tick.
How bad can it be? You're not scared of silly old Mr.
Ant, are you? Yes! Yes.
Yes! That's it.
Work with it.
[tires squealing.]
- Well, here we are.
- Wow.
I had no idea they were this dug in.
There must be dozens of them.
We're gonna need some help.
I told Die Fledermaus to meet us with every hero he could find.
He's probably afraid of ants too.
Afraid of ants? [sighs.]
Hey, baby, who do you think I am? - The Tick? - This is all the heroes you could find? Well, it's such short notice.
These people have lives too, you know.
But I did get Sewer Urchin and Fish Boy, Lost Prince of Atlantis.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Why is he in a kiddie pool? Well, he's got a little bit of a cold, so his mother made me promise we'd keep him wet.
Where's The Tick? You told my mom The Tick would be here.
Listen, Fish Boy, I told your mom a lot of things.
'Course, The Tick lost it.
Yeah, he's in the loony bin.
- Definitely in the loony bin.
- You mean he's crazy? [scoffs.]
Crazy like a fox.
If I'd have thought of that dodge, I wouldn't be here myself.
Look out! [both grunting.]
You must be willing to confront your fear.
No! Well, it's obviously not working.
Let's try something else.
Hey, it's Taft! Taft [man.]
Grand larceny, conspiracy, destruction of police property! These dames are criminals, mayor.
I understand your position.
But technically, they aren't dames.
They're They're ants, and therefore not subject to our criminal justice system.
This is a situation for the Department of Sanitation.
Those solid waste guys? Come on, mayor! Let me at 'em.
See, I got my boys working on teeny-tiny handcuffs.
- And you are? - I'm Arthur.
Hello.
And, uh we are What he means is we're exterminators.
Someone called, said you had a roach problem.
Roaches? Ew! OK, go ahead.
So, you work here every day? Actually, I'm just a temp.
[American Maid.]
Hey, come on.
Perhaps your phobia is symbolic.
Something to do with your mother? Nope, don't think so.
What about your uncle? Any significance there? Uh Uh-uh - Nope.
- How about your A-U-N-T? A-U-N-T Oh, aunt! Oh, aunt.
Aunt, ant.
I get it.
- Yes? - Nope.
Someone else's aunt maybe? Some little gray-haired lady? [Tick.]
Sorry.
[both groaning, grunting.]
[Taft.]
I'm your mother, man.
[Tick.]
You're not! You're Taft! Taft So, what's your plan? First, we find out what they're up to.
Then we stop them.
Yeah, you want to elaborate on that second part? Sanitation? You're on.
Go clean up that ant mess.
Hold the phone, Herr Mayor! I have the solution to your ant problem.
Oh, hello, professor.
Let me put you on hold.
Everybody knows that ants are nuts for nougat.
What? - Aunts are nuts for nougat.
- Nuts for nougat.
It is science, Herr Major.
On the outskirts of the city, we have constructed the largest candy bar in the world! The ants will be irresistibly drawn to this this creamy treasure.
And they will forsake the city to consume it! What will happen when they finish eating? Well, of course, the chocolate is laced with nitroglycerin.
[blubbering, vomiting.]
I'm OK.
[Die Fledermaus.]
Whoa.
It looks like they're making a magnifying glass.
[chuckles.]
Hey, you know, when I was a kid, I used to fry ants with a magnifying glass.
Very hot, yeah.
Maybe they want revenge! - Uh-oh.
- [ant.]
Laugh away, bipeds.
Soon, the joke will on you! Come on! [all yelling.]
[Die Fledermaus.]
Stinky, lose the fish prince.
He's got legs.
- Yeah.
- Come on, go! Uh-huh.
Yes.
Very interesting.
Taft All you ever do is dress Taft up in ridiculous outfits and make him wrestle me! Well, that's our therapeutic modality.
Yes.
Sanity, you're a madman! Mmm.
Patient responds to banana treatment with hostility.
Is that bad? - No peeking.
- Ow! Hey! [Professor.]
By my calculations, the cost of this candy bar will not put The City into debt.
[phone ringing.]
That's my hotline.
I better get this call.
Excuse me, professor.
Hello.
Plank, I hear you got yourself an ant crisis.
- It's the National Guard.
- I'm calling a preventive air strike.
I'm talking saturation bombing, mayor.
That'll clean up your infestation.
But, general, what about the rest of The City? Acceptable losses.
You have one hour to evacuate your voters.
- But - Come on, mayor.
Put some hair on that chest.
You can't let the enemy walk all over you.
Bad apples sink ships.
Got a call on the other line.
Could be the wife.
Hang on.
He's going to destroy The City.
- [sighing.]
Let me handle this.
- You're going to handle this? Of course.
They're ant women, right? [clears throat.]
Hey, honey.
I'm a Scorpio.
I like long walks on the beach, good conversation and spelunking.
How about you? [shrieks.]
Foolish mammals.
We will destroy you all! Ha! Tough talk, baggy pants.
Oh, man! [ants laughing.]
Escape is impossible.
[groaning.]
Very painful.
You know, I get the feeling we're trapped in a - Don't say it.
- Say what? We're trapped in a A people farm? [all.]
People farm! We gotta get out! All hail the queen! She's huge! No, it's the magnifying glass.
Attention, humanity.
I am Betty, splendid and perfect queen of the ants.
We are no longer content to scrounge around your wretched picnics, nibbling at your scraps and crumbs.
Neither will we accept your gigantic feet, trodding upon our works.
- Man, she's an uppity ant.
- Yeah.
High hopes.
Definitely very high hopes.
Your day of reckoning is upon you! You have been judged and found wanting.
Prepare for fiery doom! Come on, lady.
Wake up and smell the nougat! Smell it! [Betty.]
Soon, the sun will reach its zenith, and our beam will destroy you all! [cackling.]
[man.]
This is not a test.
Authorities have issues a citywide alert.
Please stay tuned to this station for emergency evacuation instructions.
Get out of The City! I beg you to reconsider.
Don't fire your missile! [General.]
Sorry, got it aimed and everything.
Don't forget your toothbrush, soldier.
I love this job.
Well, Doodlehead, looks pretty bleak.
On the one hand, we've got a bunch of ants trying to fry us.
On the other, our own National Guard ready to blow us to kingdom come.
Maybe Maybe we should call The Tick.
[Captain Sanity.]
When I count to three, you'll enter a hypnotic trance.
- Yes, master.
- Not yet.
Oh, OK.
Three, two, one.
You are going back, back.
What do you remember? - I remember you hypnotizing me.
- [phone ringing.]
For Pete's sakes.
Sanity here.
What's your problem? [garbled yelling.]
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid he's a little fragile right now.
He's in the middle of therapy.
[Mayor shouting indistinctly.]
You know, maybe you ought to drop by the office, mayor.
We're having a special on stress management.
- [yelling.]
- All right, all right.
It's for you.
Oh, hey, mayor, what's up? What? I gotta save The City! But what about your phobia? No time, doc.
Spoon! I'll put him down for Thursdays.
Spoon! [American Maid.]
Sun's almost at its peak.
'Course we're definitely done for.
Yeah, definitely.
Why do you have to always keep saying that word? [mimics.]
"Definitely, definitely.
" You're driving everyone crazy! - Arthur, take it easy.
- Definitely very loud.
Not everything's definite.
[Betty.]
That's it.
Flee while you can, pathetic apes! [cackling.]
You look so tiny from up here.
[groans.]
Hotness.
Not a moment to lose.
[Betty continues laughing.]
- Tick! - [straining.]
Stop right there, blue boy.
I am Betty, queen of the ants.
And I demand your surrender.
Could you flip a feeler or something? Never mind that.
You have trespassed against us! - Prepare for your doom! - [Tick.]
Whoa! - Oh, boy.
- [Arthur.]
Tick! - Arthur? - The magnifying glass! [Tick.]
That'll be just about enough of that! [screeching.]
- [all.]
Don't let 'em get away! - [bomb rumbling.]
Sorry, but I've got a big, heat-seeking fish to fry! I love this job! Yee-haw! [gasping.]
Gotcha! You know, come to think of it, I'm not afraid of ants.
I never was.
It's just when they all come running out of a lady's pants like that Yecch! Creepy.
And is insanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean, all you get is one trick.
Rational thinking.
But when you're good and crazy [chuckling.]
the sky's the limit!