The Weekenders (2000) s02e09 Episode Script

1
Everyone has things they hope for.
World peace, an end to hunger,
universal equality.
But there's one thing Carver and
Lor and Tish and I have hoped for.
The day we'd never dreamed we'd see.
The re-opening of Tesla Park!
It was the greatest
amusement park of them all!
And it's been closed for years.
But this Sunday is the grand re-opening.
It's gonna be just a hundred people.
Invitation only.
No lines, unlimited re-rides,
and everything's free!
We have to give invitations.
Do you understand?
This is the best thing ever.
I know I said that before,
but I was wrong.
I was misinformed by my people.
If it gets more exciting than this,
my nervous system will overload,
and I'll burst into flames!
Haha!
Huzzah!
The grand opening!
Approacheth!
Okay, time for pizza.
Your pizza should you choose to accept it,
is a pepperoni with extra cheese.
Guys, there has to be some way
we can get invitations to this thing.
Nothing we've tried has worked.
But all we did was stand
outside the park and look sad.
Hey, it works when I want
an advance on my allowance.
I have a plan that just might work.
A late night commando raid.
On what?
Oh, so I have to figure out everything!
Is that it?
Ooh, I know.
I heard they gave Helpers
Helping the Helpless
some tickets to give
to their top helpers.
You know, as thank you's.
Great!
All we have to do is go volunteer
and work really, really hard.
Oh, dude.
It was perfect up to
the "work really hard" part.
Yeah, I'm with Lor.
Isn't there some way to do this that
preserves our essential laziness?
If there is, I can't think of it.
It seems like our only chance.
Okay, let's do it.
But if I break a sweat,
someone's gonna pay.
We gotta get these invitations
or I'll be scarred for life!
Tino --
I swear!
I, I want you --
This is like the whole reason I was born.
Hey.
I'd swallow a bowling ball,
if that would help.
But, um --
You just ate a bowl of fish eyes!
That got your attention, huh?
Good.
I just wanted to tell you
that I have a date tomorrow night.
B - but -- !
Here's where you say,
"That's great, Mom."
"I'm so happy for you."
A date?
With a man?
Are you nuts?
What do you know about him?
Have you had him investigated?
I was afraid of this.
You feel threatened, don't you?
Threatened?
Ha! Don't, don't be ridiculous.
What, what I feel, is, I feel,
concern, for you.
I'm, I'm just worried.
This guy could be an escaped criminal,
a foreign spy, a phone solicitor.. !
Honey, calm down.
It's just a date.
I mean, it's not like this guy is gonna be
your new Dad or anything.
New Dad?
New Dad!?
Oh, man.
I hadn't even thought of that!
Thanks for putting a brand
new fear in my head, Mom.
And I won't sleep at all tonight.
Honey, meet your
new dad, Mr Bloatswine.
Well, well, well, what a charming boy.
I'll leave you two to get acquainted.
Yes, a charming boy,
a strong boy,
but not strong enough
to foil my invasion.
Back off, alien slug
beast, or face the wrath
of Captain Dreadnought
and his sidekick.
Junior Dreddy, the Nuclear Boy.
Oh, look, it's Martin Van Buren.
Down with the cotton gin.
Down with the cotton gin!
Man, I gotta remember not to eat fish eyes
right before bed.
Durian is a tropical fruit popular
throughout Southeastern Asia.
It is said to be the most delicious fruit
in the world.
But its smell has been compared to rotting
fish and unwashed socks.
You guys are not gonna believe this.
My mom is totally going out on a date,
with a man!
Okay, turn off the panic tap, Tino.
It's about time your mom had a date.
Blasphemer!
Well, she's been divorced for what,
like eight years now?
Yeah, but --
She's always been pretty cool, right?
Just going out on a date is not gonna
change anything.
Tino, you're obviously overreacting
because you're afraid this will
take your mom's attention away from you.
What are you talking about?
It doesn't make any sense at all.
Sure it does.
It's just like that very special
episode of Teen Canyon.
The one where Kyle's mom
went out with Malora's dad.
Oh, right.
And at the end, Mrs. Pottsby,
the kindly guidance counselor
told Kyle, his mom would
always be his mom no matter what.
Hey, that's kind of a good point.
Maybe I am overreacting.
Wow.
What do we do without TV?
We might have to learn these lessons for
ourselves.
Okay.
I'll give this guy a chance.
But he better not turn out
to be an alien slug beast.
What?
I'd like to thank all you
Helpers for coming down
here to help at Helpers
Helping the Helpless.
And I'd like to assure you
that your help is very helpful.
And if anyone finds my thesaurus,
please let me know.
Mrs Duong?
Mrs Duo My friends
and I would like to do
the absolute maximum
amount of helping possible.
Well, whoever said today's young people
aren't interested in volunteer work?
Yes, Mrs. Weems,
it was you who said it.
Very good.
Alright.
Let's start today's project.
Cheerful and chair-ful!
Did you just say "chair-ful"?
We'll be using scrap lumber
to build chairs for the needy.
Okay.
I haven't just broken a sweat.
I've shattered a sweat
into a million pieces.
But, just think of all the good
we're doing for the needy.
They sit in one of my chairs,
they'll wind up even needier.
Does anyone remember what
a chair actually looks like?
Hey, there you go.
Now those are chairs, Mr ?
Dixon.
Call me Dixon.
Why are your chairs
so much better than ours?
Well, I put myself through grad school
working as a carpenter.
Grad school?
I have a Master's degree
in English literature.
Oh my gosh, that is
totally what I want to major in.
Have you read Edmund Spencer's
'The Fairy Queen'?
"Oh, happy Earth."
"Where on thy innocent feet do ever tread?"
You are the greatest person in existence!
You must be here to pick up our donations.
They're right over there.
Thank you for donating
your youth cinder blocks
to our Cement the Bonds
of Friendship program!
They will be used in
the construction of a
warehouse to store future
cinder block donations.
Man, you must be
carrying like a hundred pounds.
This is nothing.
I used to do the caber toss
in the Scottish games.
The Scottish games?
I love the Scottish games!
Did you do the sheep toss?
How about the farmer's walk?
First place in both.
You are my hero.
Shoes for the barefoot.
Come on people, we're
puttin' the "you" back in "shoe".
We are never going to
get rid of all these shoes.
And no wonder.
Look at this.
Vinyl uppers?
It's a travesty.
I hear you.
Check out the insole on --
Wait.
Are you a shoe fancier?
Oh, sure.
I used to design shoes for Tommy Hugo.
My man!
I think my favorite episode of
Teen Canyon is the one
where Louise discovers the cure
for osteochondritis disacans.
Dixon, why do you know so much about
non-adult stuff like, like Teen Canyon?
I pick up a lot from my daughter,
Moira.
She's 14.
Wow.
You are so way old!
Oh.
It's okay.
My spine keeps telling me the same thing.
Whoa.
It can't be.
Captain Dreadnought #27?
The first appearance of Junior Dreddy.
You're a Captain Dreadnought fan?
Are you kidding?
"Back off."
"Alien slug beast."
I told you there are people besides me
who like Captain Dreadnought.
We won't hold it against him.
Okay.
What name do you like for
the alley-cleaning project?
Alley-oop grade?
Or, "Cleanliness is next to alley-ness"?
Gee.
They're both so good.
You know, despite all
that hard work,
I gotta say, helping the community
was pretty rewarding.
It's true.
You said it.
Of course, it'll be a lot more rewarding
if we get those Tesla Park invitations.
It's true.
You said it.
I know how your Mom feels.
I couldn't date for years after my divorce.
But I'm going out with a very nice woman
tonight.
So you're saying my
mom's date is a hideous
mistake she'll regret
for the rest of her life?
Hello?
Issues much?
What?
I'm saying you're gonna give your mom a
chance.
Just bagging on her date
isn't gonna do anyone any good.
Yeah, but it's fun.
I just wish she could be going
out with someone as cool as you.
Thank you, helpful assistants.
Your aid has been very useful today.
And an extra thanks to
Dixon for finding my thesaurus.
That was a really big
Easement.
As a special thanks, I have,
somewhere
Ah!
Four invitations to the grand
re-opening of Tesla Park.
For our number one helper
Toni Weems, who's been volunteering since
the Scrap Metal Drive of 1917.
Our dough boys gave
the Kaiser what for!
Here ya go, Mrs Weems!
Oh dear, I can't go on those
rides with my sciatica.
I'll give them to someone who can use them.
This strapping, young fella here!
Why, thank you, Mrs. Weems.
But actually, I already have a few
invitations.
So, I guess I'll give them to
someone else.
Let's go, guys.
That's it.
Our last chance, gone.
We have to keep tryin'!
Maybe we could get plastic surgery to look
like famous people.
Yeah!
Famous people get invited to everything.
Ooh, I want to be Tiger Woods.
Forget it, guys.
It's over.
You still haven't figured it out, huh?
Figured what out?
I'm the guy your mom's
going out with tonight!
Hello?
Which means you get the invitations.
Alright!
You hear that?
My mom is going out with Dixon,
the official coolest adult in the world.
And is a little added bonus,
Tesla Park!
Yo, T.
It's that time.
Huh?
Oh, uh, right.
We got to take a break, but uh,
you totally have to stick around.
I'm gonna wait right here.
And if you're not there when we come back,
I will be so not talking to you.
Okay?
Okay.
Oh, man, I was super worried you were
gonna ditch us.
Thanks for waitin'.
Oh, we got to show this thing again.
Hang on.
Ima livin' for the weekend ♪
I'm livin' for the weekend ♪
Hey!
I can't believe we're really going to the
grand re-opening of Tesla Park.
I have to remember this moment,
because my life might never get any better.
How do you feel, Tino?
Your mom's going out with, like, the
the coolest grown-up in history.
Well, Tish, I have to admit, I was worried
about the whole "Mom dating" thing.
But this is great.
Dixon is so cool.
Not only does he like all
the same comic books I like,
but he can kick himself
in the back of the head!
Wait, is that cool or just weird?
Hard to say.
It's right on the edge.
Okay, I know I was down
on you about this before, Mom.
But I totally support
you goin' out with Dixon.
He's the best.
Um, just so you know,
honey, I'm having a major
clothes crisis, so I may have
to start screaming soon.
I mean, I love Dad and everything,
and I'm not looking for a substitute.
But Dad's like,
all the way on the East Coast.
And if I got to have a local backup father
figure, Dixon is totally the guy.
Ugh!
Nothing fits me!
Um, you know that green dress is nice?
Anyway, I'm really looking forward to
us going to Tesla Park tomorrow.
You, and me, and Dixon
and his daughter, Moira
and Carver and Lor and Tish,
it's gonna be amazing!
Wow!
You clean up good, Mom.
You look like you should be on TV.
Okay, if you're trying
to get a raise in your allowance,
you're saying all the right stuff.
My point is that Dixon would make you an
excellent second husband.
Tino, this is a first date?
Capische?
Don't start shopping for
a wedding present yet.
Okay, sorry.
Unless it's a blender,
we could really use a new blender.
Oop, I gotta go.
I'll be back by 10, you
have my pager number,
there's a seaweed casserole
in the oven for dinner.
Bye-bye!
Seaweed casserole.
You see what I have to put up with?
Honey, meet your new Dad, Dixon.
I'll leave you two to get acquainted.
So, ever see anyone do this?
Foolish humans, cower before my might!
It's time to show this alien slug beast
what us humans are made of.
Face the wrath of Captain
Dreadnought and his sidekick!
Junior Dreddy,
the Nuclear Boy.
Oh, look, it's Martin Van Buren.
Down with the cotton gin.
Down with the cotton gin.
I gotta remember not to eat seaweed
casserole right before bed.
Or ever.
Mom, so, so, how did the date go?
Great, right?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe he's just not my type,
or maybe I'm just not ready to
Not your type?
Not your type?
What are you talking about?
What is he, a blood donor?
I just don't know
how I feel right now,
but don't worry, we're still going
to Tesla Park tomorrow.
Oh, I'm exhausted.
I'll see you in the morning, honey.
Not her type?
She doesn't like him?
Unacceptable!
Not gonna fly!
Oh man, I have super gotta
fix this whole "Mom-Dixon" thing!
Go to Sunday!
Guys, my mom's date with
Dixon totally went belly up.
We are talking roadkill on the highway of
love here.
Bummer, but what are you gonna do?
Well, we're all going to the park
together, right?
I propose that we take advantage of the
situation and force them to fall in love.
It's a little thing I call,
"Operation Matchmaker."
I don't know, T.
Messing with your mom's
love life sounds like a bad idea.
My mom is making a mistake.
Dixon is obviously the right guy for her,
and she just can't see it.
So, I'm doing her a favor, right?
You see?
You can justify
anything with a little effort.
Yep.
Look, you're my friends.
Are you gonna help me or not?
Okay, T.
We'll help.
What's your plan?
No idea.
That's the first thing I want you to help
me with.
So, are you guys excited about this?
Does the short-horned
mountain lizard bare live young?
Yeah, it, it does.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
I'd like everyone to
meet my daughter Moira.
Hey.
Hi.
Hello.
How's it goin'?
Sweet heaven above!
Are those the new Tommy Hugo para-shoes
the ones based on paratroopers' boots?
Why yes, they are!
Thanks for noticing.
And you are
I'm
You'll have to excuse Carver.
His brain doesn't work
in the presence of cool shoes.
Carv'.
Operation Matchmaker, remember?
This isn't the time to drool over Moira.
Shhh!
I'm picturin' our children.
Snap out of it, man!
Now I'm picturin' our children's shoes.
Hello, lucky invitees.
Welcome to the grand
reopening of Tesla Park.
As you doubtless know, the
park is named in honor of Nikola Tesla,
the genius who pioneered
alternating current and invented radio.
I thought that Marconi guy invented radio.
Uh-uh.
In 1943, the US Supreme
Court officially declared
Tesla to be the true inventor of radio.
But for some reason, no one got around to
changing the history books.
Yeah, that's right.
I know everything.
Don't give me a hard time.
I now declare Tesla Park open.
Okay, guys.
I thought we'd begin
Operation Matchmaker by
Moira dropped her sunglasses.
Carver?
Never mind.
It's alright.
We could start without
Look, free ham on a stick!
Uh-huh.
Well, at least you're here to help me, Tish.
Don't you worry, Tino.
I won't abandon you
no matter
Oh, my gosh.
Must experience
Shakespearean water.
The fun?
Great.
Now I have no plan and no help.
I guess I should try to get my mom and
Dickson alone together?
Well, you try coming
up with somethin' better!
Alternating current will bring about an
edge of technological perfection.
Dude, let's do that game with the squirt
rifles and the ducks.
I can't.
I have to work on Operation Matchmaker.
Tino!
Tino!
Tino!
Come on!
Let's try that Zeno Zero ride.
I can't.
I have to work on Operation Matchmaker.
European straight-laces
may require a longer shoelace,
but it's far more stylish than
the standard American zigzag.
It is so great to meet someone who really
understands shoelaces.
Hey, T, you gotta go on this one ride.
It's called "Aspinenem".
I can't.
I have to work on Operation Matchmaker.
Don't even ask, 'cause I can't.
I have to work on Operation Match..
the hot dog to the bun!
Oh, look, here's a match.
I win!
a hot dog.
Y'know, I hear the only works of man that
can be seen from space are the
Great Wall of China, and you trying
to get me together with your mom.
Have you ever considered entering the
world's sarcasm competition?
Come on, champ.
I think we should talk.
Why did you want to talk here?
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tino, neither your mother or I are
really really ready for a relationship.
I know your parents split up a long time ago,
so did
so did my ex-wife and I.
But sometimes, well, sometimes it takes a
long time to get over it.
Yeah, I guess.
You just can't rush these things,
Tino.
Okay, now, let's get off this ride
before we barf.
Might. Not.
Make it.
This is so cool!
Thanks for letting the kids do this,
Mr. Chenoweth.
I wish I could say I
was just being nice,
but it'll make a great
publicity shot for the park.
Over here, folks!
Parents, could you
get a little closer together?
Us?
But we
we're not.
Oh, loosen up.
Did I see a little spark there?
Maybe all hope is not lost
in the Mom-and-Dixon department!
Mom, I don't know if you
noticed, but I was sort of
trying to force you and
Dickson together earlier.
Oh, really?
Gosh, I didn't notice at all because my
head was encased in a block of wax?
Okay, I guess it was kinda obvious.
Tino, I know you want Dixon
and me to like each other.
Mom, I promise I won't mess with your
social life anymore.
Well, it's not that.
I'm just worried that it's
hard for you, being the only
one of your friends who
doesn't have a father at home.
I don't know.
I don't remember what
it was like with Dad around.
Anyway, what are you gonna do?
Marry some guy just so I have a Dad?
Yeah, right.
Mom, I think we'll be just fine the way we
are.
Yeah, we probably will be.
Although I understand Dixon
makes a very comfortable living.
Give it a rest, sweetie, huh?
Sorry, we bailed on
Operation Matchmaker, Tino.
Yeah, this park is just so hard to resist.
Don't sweat it.
You know, looking out on the beauty of
this sunset?
I have to believe that the world is good.
And that everything
will work out for the best.
Yeah.
So you're saying you'll think they'll get
the ferris wheel fixed soon?
I hope so.
We've been stuck here almost an hour.
Do not panic.
Unnecessary movement
may cause the wheel to collapse.
Well, no reason for you to stick around.
Later days.