Those Who Can't (2016) s02e09 Episode Script

1 Everybody's body camera on here? - Yep! - Yep.
- Yeah.
- Check.
Quinn: We need hard evidence if we're gonna stop this graffiti vandal.
All right, don't you think that we're overreacting? I mean, do we all really need to be here? - For real! - Okay, fine.
If you don't want to stay and protect the school, then I'll just hire security with the money that I was gonna put towards karaoke at the faculty Christmas party.
All: No, no, no, no! No! I have to sing "I Don't Want To Miss a Thing.
" I have to.
Yeah, well, I'd like to see one of these vandals try to spray paint my car again.
- Ew.
What is that? - What, this stuff? - Massole Energy Drink.
- That stuff'll kill you.
What do you think, you're better than me?! Uh no, I just think that that stuff is No, no, no That's their slogan.
"What do you think, you're better than me?!" Stuff'll keep you up for, like, 72 hours straight.
That's why I'm drinking this.
Oh! It stings! Yeah, it's coffee, Fairbell.
It's gonna burn a little bit going down.
Welcome to the big-boys club.
Oh, they forgot the ginger-bread syrup.
In an attempt to cover more ground, we're gonna be splitting up into teams of two.
And I know everyone here naturally wants to get paired up with Loren.
That's not a thing.
No.
So, I decided to write everyone's name down on a piece of paper.
So, Fairbell, you are gonna be with Shoemaker.
- Fine by me.
- Yes! My number-five choice! This might just be the Massole Energy Drink talking, but if you come anywhere near me or my car, I will cut your freakin' heart out.
Yeah, well, bring an oven mitt, 'cause my heart feels like it's on fire! Ooh, Loren, you are gonna be paired up with Phil Damn it! Come on, Quinn, not Phil.
He's so boring! - Hey! - At least you're not with Abbey.
I am.
She's gonna yap-yap-yappiey-yapping about her early-onset menopause.
I don't have early-onset menopause! - Look she's already doing it.
- It's ridiculous.
Okay.
Well, let's get started, all right? Remember, remain vigilant.
We have to catch this psychopath, okay? Okay.
Wow.
Try and tag my car.
Come and get it, you bastards! Hello? Guys? Ahh! Ohh! God! Oh, my God, Doris! You can't ignore me all night, Billy.
Not now, Doris.
I'm on duty.
- Let me in, asshat.
- Aw, man.
Well, I'm sorry if I'm wild and overly aggressive.
I chugged a Massole on the way over.
You mean the energy drink? Nah.
Some guy on the bus in a Celtic jersey.
God so, so honest.
Wait, I-I can't talk right now! Honey, baby, I didn't come here to talk.
I came for the bottomless bread sticks.
Oh, girl! You know I love it when you talk dirty Olive Garden.
When you're here, you're family.
Aah, bodanzia! - Sorry, I had to get Gramps.
- Oh, good call.
Dogs can hear and smell things that we can't.
Hey, wait a second.
Was that there five minutes ago? No.
He's definitely sensing something.
Oh, my God! What the hell, Fairbell? There's something dark and terrible inside me, and I can't get it out! Okay, Coach, what are you talking about? Something black and it's bitter.
Get it out of me! Get it out of me! Okay, Coach, you need to calm down and relax.
What is going on here? - Mr.
Weepy said not tell you.
- Wait, who's Mr.
Weepy? How do you know about Mr.
Weepy? One rapper you can't name one rapper in the history of hip hop that you like? It's just not in my preferred genre of music.
Dr.
Dre, Wu-Tang Clan Now you're just making up rappers.
[Bleep.]
damn it, Phil.
You are so lame.
Well, I like who I am.
I like geometry.
I like a starred Stafford shirt.
I like bird watching.
I like singing.
- Dude, bird watching? - Yeah.
Bird watching's my [bleep.]
Okay, Fairbell, it's me Abbey, your friend! Everyone knows you don't have any friends! You better control your dog, Quinn.
Mr.
Weepy says nothing's to be controlled! Chaos reigns! - Run! Run! - Gramps! [Dog barking.]
Run, creature of the night! Argh! - [Screams.]
- A ahh! Okay! Abigail! - Why do you have Mace?! - Ahh! I-I got it to work through 2004! Were you there celebrating your 40th birthday? - [Screams.]
- A ahh! Okay, okay, okay! Abigail, that one he deserves.
Fairbell, you have to escape! I can't! I can't even see! I'll give you demon strength! - Ahh! Ugh! - Oh, God.
Um, I'm gonna go get a chair and some rope.
Okay.
Yeah.
What's the matter, Billy? Everything all right with your honker? Everything's fine.
I just I've got a lot on my mind right now, Doris.
Ooh, a real deep thinker.
Start the car, Einsteen.
- I want to lit my ciggy.
- Oh, fine.
[Heavy rock music plays.]
Oh, no, God! So sorry, Doris! I Doris? Doris?! Doris! No! [Sobbing.]
Why?! Why? Doriiiiiiis!! Okay, you want to know what my favorite is though? - 100% - My favorite-favorite? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Flickers.
- Dude! I love flickers.
- What? Are you kidding me? People hate on them so much.
I'm like, it's all the fun of woodpeckers, three times the color.
I mean, I know they run endemic species out, but if you look like that, girl, I don't care who was there before you.
Phil, you are bad! - Hey, hey, hey! Loren, hey! - Jesus Christ, Shoemaker! Listen, I need your help with something! I'm in the middle of something with Phil.
- With Phil? He's a nerd! - I'm sorry, Phil.
I'd much rather stay here and talk birds with you, - but Shoemaker's super insecure.
- Well, I understand.
Oh, dude, if you hear any grey-horned owls, text me, okay? - Doy hickey.
- [Chuckles.]
- You're the man, Phil.
- Come on! You're hanging out with Phil now? I-I think it's cool.
You know he watches birds? What is so important? I was having a great a decent time with Phil.
Okay, so, um, I was trying to move this tarp, okay? But I'm not strong enough.
This tarp? This doesn't look that heavy.
Well, maybe not for a big, strong guy like yourself.
Yeah, that checks out.
Dude, this hardly weighs anything.
Watch.
Got it.
Got it.
You mind if I snap a couple photos of you? Only if I can re-Gram it, dude.
I'll pose.
- That's really cool of you to do.
- How about this? - Maybe back up a little bit - Okay! so I can get your whole body in.
Watch, watch I bet I can get it over my head.
- No, no, no - I bet I can get it over my head.
See, I don't' think you have to do that.
Oh oh, my God.
Dude, this is way heavier than it looks.
What is in this thing? Doris' body.
What?! Doris' body?! Yeah, and the good news is now that we're done, all we have to do is just bury and we're gone.
Are you insane? What happen We have to call the police.
No, no, no, no! We can't call the police! Oh, [bleep.]
! Your fingers taste like the dirty Olive Garden.
Okay, she died in the car.
Wasn't my fault, totally natural, but now my DNA may be all over her body.
So so we can't go to the police.
We are not doing anything.
You are on your own, buddy.
No, no, no, no, no, my friend, because you are implicated now.
[bleep.]
damn it! I look so jacked in that photo, and now I can't use it, 'cause of Doris' stupid body.
Now help me bury her.
Ugh, fine.
Oh, dude I can photoshop her body out and still use it as a profile pic.
- That's my girlfriend! - Later, when you're done mourning.
Sorry for you loss.
Ahh, he's got my beard! He's biting! Tickle him! Tickle him, release! - Ahh! - Oh, my God! I think Fairbell's been possessed by a demon.
- Ahh, no Jabba, no badda! - Is he speaking Aramaean? No, "Star Wars," which is just as creepy.
I really think this is gonna work.
Yeah, how you figure? We've been busting our asses.
We're, like, six inches into the ground.
Well, I think the first part was just topsoil.
I think it's smooth sailing from here on [bleep.]
damn it, that's it.
We're calling the cops right now.
No, no, no, we can't call the cops! Ugh! Grave fingers! Stop putting your fingers in my mouth! We'll just put her in here and cover her in dirt.
After that, it's not our problem anymore a terra non mea culpa.
That's the legit? That's legally binding? It's Latin, so I think so, yeah.
It is Latin.
Okay, yes.
Plus she's got this tarp, right? That's like a proper burial in itself.
Okay, but please just be careful with my sweetheart.
Yes, of of course, of course.
- On three - All right.
- Three - There we Oh, my God! What was that sound? You, like, bent her in half! She's dead.
She can't feel it.
Don't worry about it.
Well, we should say a few words, you know, to honor her.
I think it's a little late for honor, man.
I'll do it.
Doris, uh, I'm gonna miss your bright, red, Irish eyes and that thrice-broken nose, and your mouth.
Oh, God, you're mouth.
Oh, my God, your mouth - Shoemaker! Come on, dude! - What?! - Who would expect? - I'm not good at these things! [Bleep.]
damn it.
I'll do it.
Fine.
Doris, you were a good bartender.
I'm sorry for that negative Yelp review, but that glass was filthy.
- Come on.
- And I just want to say I could stay lost in this moment forever.
I don't want to close my eyes.
I don't want to fall asleep.
'Cause I miss you, baby.
And I don't wanna miss a thing.
- Was that Aerosmith? - I don't know.
It's just that song from "Armageddon.
" It's dope, right? [Crying.]
Do you mind if I have a few minutes alone? Yeah, okay.
Whatever.
I'm gonna bounce.
[Sighs.]
Oh, yeah.
- Dude! - Sorry.
Well, he needs an exorcism, and unfortunately for this demon, I happen to be an ordained minister online, at the Universal Life Church.
Quinn, exorcism is an archaic practice used to treat undiagnosed schizophrenia.
It's religious theater.
Mr.
Weepy says you have old eggs! Oh, silence! Unholy demon! Okay, okay! Just maybe maybe we try the nonviolent approach.
What do you say there? Mr.
Weepy says your carbon footprint is huge! You son of a bitch! I was lied to! It wasn't my fault! Volkswagen lied to us! Okay, okay, okay.
Even if he isn't possessed, he thinks he is.
It's psychosomatic, so maybe an exorcism would be good for him.
Hey, Quinn, apropos of nothing, if were to need, like, a lot lye, where would one What are you doing to Fairbell? - What is wrong with you? - Hey you got to help me.
Abbey Maced me, and then they tied me up, and then she was hitting me with her Hot Topic belt.
- What? - Wait, o-o-o-o-o-okay! Oh, that's the demon saying you shop there.
God, a few pentagrams you guys lose you minds.
Let me help you, buddy.
Loren, Quinn thinks that he might be possessed.
He's not possessed.
He just got somebody Netflix password.
- He's over-stimulated - Yeah.
and you tie him up like a monster.
Thanks.
The smell of death is upon you.
What's gotten into him? He's talking crazy.
First place crab relay.
Wow, he's he's very agile, huh? What a what an athlete.
I'm gonna go see if he can teach me how to do that.
Hey, Fairbell, wait up! He just released the devil to crab walk among us.
Loren: Fairbell? [Whistling.]
Fairbell, I've got, like, a lot of candy.
Fairbell, when you said you could smell the death on me, what did you mean by that exactly? What what is this? Hey, Loren! Loren.
Hey.
Olive Garden! Olive Garden.
Ow! [Bleep.]
! What happened to you? I don't even know.
Somebody cold-cocked me.
I don't remember anything.
You don't remember anything, huh? Well, w-w-w-what's the last thing you remember? Uh, the last thing I remember I was I was putting my clothes on this morning, getting dressed.
Mm-hmm.
So, nothing nothing else? Oh, wait yeah, yeah.
I remember, um, you banging Doris to death and then helping me cover your tracks, you dick! God damn it! - Is she buried or what? - It's done! She's under, like, six inches of dirt out there.
- Okay, good.
- [Cellphone vibrates.]
Who the hell's this? It's What? W-what is it? It's a text from Doris.
Doris? She's not dead?! She may be alive.
- Come on! - Dude! I'm coming for you! - Hol holy [bleep.]
- Where is her body?! How the hell am I supposed to know, man?! I just finished burying her! Well, somebody must have dragged her out of here, man.
- It was you! Who'd you tell?! - I didn't tell anybody! - Who'd you tell? - I didn't tell anybody.
I'm not insane! Oh, Fairbell.
[Bleep.]
.
Fairbell said something about, like, - smelling the death on me.
- That's it! It was Fairbell! He's probably the one that's putting all the pentagrams - all over everything! - You think so? - Yeah.
- [Cellphone vibrates.]
- What? What it is? - It's a text.
- It's from Doris.
- What? "You can't hide from me forever.
" It wasn't Fairbell.
You buried Doris alive, you idiot.
- [Bleep.]
- [Bleep.]
Holy [bleep.]
man! I buried my girlfriend alive! - Oh, my God.
Oh, go - [Cellphone vibrates.]
- There's another one from her! - You should take that.
I'll go.
I'll just go.
You take that.
No, no, no, no, you're not! You and I are in this together! I was supposed to help you bury the body.
That's it.
Anything after that is on you, dude.
Exo terra no mea culpas look it up, bro.
Fine, but your DNA's on this tarp! - [bleep.]
damn it! - Yeah, that's right, and I hope you and I are cellies, bud, because you got "Community bicycle" written all over your purdy, little mouth.
Fine, I'll help you, but not 'cause of the bicycle thing.
I just believe in seeing a job through all the way to the end.
Sure, whatever you have to tell yourself to get to sleep at night.
Okay, where do we start looking? I don't know, but I'm bringing this.
[bleep.]
damn it.
- Shoemaker: Doris? Sweetheart? - Loren: Doris! Doris? Abbey: Check it.
Quinn: You check it.
Abbey: You check it.
Quinn: I'll get this one.
I mean, she wasn't anywhere else, so she has to be out here, right? Oh, what's that? I stepped on something! Is that a deflated football? I think it's, like, a glove or - Oh, God, it's a hand! - Oh, God! Ohh, it's a hand, and I touched it! - Oh, God! Ugh! - What are you doing? Don't wipe it off on me! What are you doing, man?! - Ugh! Ahh! - Oh, God.
Doris definitely has to be dead! She never goes anywhere without her right hand.
Where is the rest of her? How the hell am I supposed to know, man? - Rest of what? - Ahh! Oh, hey, Rod! What are what are you doing out of bed, little guy, huh? 'Cause I'm here for the grave-yard shift.
[Chuckles.]
This isn't a grave yard! - What? - You're crazy.
You know, why don why don't we just get you inside, huh? W-w-what do you Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! Did you get a haircut? - No.
I'm just going bald.
- Oh, God! - What? - Oh I said "Oh, Rod!" Oh, Rod, you're not going bald, man! No! No! - No, no, no, no! - You all right? No.
No, yes! I mean, I don't know what I'm saying.
Did you get a new shirt? I get It looks like a Tommy Bahama, but I can't It's actually a Tony Bahama.
Tony Bahama! I-I you know, I never really realized that, uh, he had an arm! Arm-e.
Army! What color are my eyes? Um, brown? I don't know.
What is it, like, hazel, maybe? You don't have any liquor on you, do you Rod? Fairbell: [Deep voice.]
They're all laughing at you, Coach.
[Regular Voice.]
I know, but I don't want them to laugh at me anymore.
[Deep voice.]
I can make it stop, but first you have to find more coffee.
Coffee! [Regular voice.]
What? I want it! Well, that kind of worked.
Yeah.
I only wished that we hadn't spent the last 30 minutes rigging up this elaborate net and pulley system.
Well, it gave us a chance to bond.
[Scoffs.]
This is Abbey Rabinowitz Logan recording the exorcism of Andrew Crispin Fairbell.
Okay, tied up, check.
Um holy water Ah, well, they gave us this at the convention, [Chuckling.]
so, uh, check, okay.
Now I guess we just have to banish the demon out of his body.
Doesn't really say where we should put it though.
There's just an 800 number on the back.
W-well, Quinn, this church seems sort of pyramid scheme-y.
Well, tell that to the 14 people that I had sign up for it.
You're already too late! So, he's definitely awake now.
Here we go.
All right.
Okay, Mr.
Demon, my name is Geoffrey Quinn.
I know you are, whore, and you, fallen angel.
Okay, well, I think he might have got those mixed up there.
Really, Quinn? Because I'm a woman? Not all women are whores, all right? I'm not the one being exorcised here, Abbey, okay? Just get a Bible.
Uh, Mr.
Demon, what is your true name, or should I just call you Mr.
Weepy? - I can only whisper it.
- I'm making contact.
- Okay.
- Come down here.
Oh, my God! Abbey, how are we doing with the Bible?! - They're all full of [bleep.]
! - Just like your mother! Mary Elizabeth Quinn was a saint.
You take it back! Abbey, just bring whatever you got! They're all desecrated.
I don't think it's gonna work.
Like your womb? Oh! [Chuckling.]
So many[bleep.]
.
Where's the chapter on exorcism? Just say anything! Did you know any prayers? Uuuuuum! As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at my life and realize that nothing's left, because I've been blasting and laughing so long that even my Mama thinks that my mind is gone.
Are you saying the lyrics to "Gangsta's Paradise"?! Yeah, "Dangerous Minds" was the only movie that they let us watch in prison.
Just use the holy water! Fine!! What are you doing? I'm drinking the water! I'm parched, Abbey! Take that, Demon! You take it! How do you like that, Demon? Refreshing, fatty! We're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way.
Careful, I'm ticklish.
Ahh!! You know, I There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just gonna come right out with it Your mother is dead.
- What? - Yeah.
H-how'd she die? It it 'cause her arm fell off? No.
I guess 'Cause that's how her mother died.
Really? Well, anyway, I just want you to know that my feelings for your mother were very deep, and I'm sorry that it went down like this.
It could have been worse.
I thought syphilis was gonna take her out years ago.
- Syphilis? - She liked you, Shoemaker.
She really did.
And I want to thank you for giving the old gal one last - one last hurrah.
- Well, I want to let you know that I was very fond of her, too, Rod.
Now, what do we do? Do we call someone, do we make arrangements, or No, my family we bury them where they fall Knorr family tradition.
He's gonna escape! The power of Christ compels you! No one likes you, Quinn, especially not your best friend Loren! Quinn, don't listen to him.
He's just trying to fill your head with lies with half-truths.
Half-truths, like your Bumble profile, like going rock climbing and getting 'Potle with your girls? - How do you know that?! - Everyone knows! We talk about it and laugh and laugh! All right, let's kill him! Hey let me ask you something.
Did you know that Doris had syphilis? Yeah, everybody knew that.
I put it in my Yelp review.
- You think you could have told me that? - [Cellphone vibrating.]
What is that now? It's a message from you asking me if I want anything from the Bucks.
Wait, are you still on Cricket Wireless? That's from, like, five hours ago.
Yeah, I mean, I was gonna get rid of it, but the rates are - That's - Oh! - That's it! - That's where the delayed - That's what's going on.
- text messages from Doris are from.
- It's actually funny, kind of.
- That is funny, - if you take away the dog viciously - Yeah, that's funny.
dismembering her.
Sorry, and then What is that? No! Take it back! Hey, what the hell is going on in here? Loren! You came back for me.
No, I just heard a scream in here.
I didn't even know you were in here at all.
Uh, we're kind of busy right now.
Fairbell's possessed.
Possessed? No he's not.
What self-respecting demon would want him as a host? Stay out of it, Shoemaker! No one respects you anyway.
You're wife, your kid, your band Face it, you're the un-loved! Whoa, whoa, whoa! You talked to my son? How how is he? Okay, let me talk to Fairbell for a minute.
Buddy, you got to chill out.
Right, like I want to take any advice from the guy who hasn't been laid in 18 months! He's talking crazy.
That was a secret! I found the exorcism prayer, but it's in Latin.
Well, this sounds like a job for a History The Language teacher I'll take that.
Te exorcisco spirito amnis amundea.
- Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu - In nomine de Patri Onnipotenti.
Te exorcisco I cast you out, unclean spirit, in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ! Ee-e-e-ee-e-e-e-eeee! Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! - [Screaming.]
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
It's everywhere.
Fairbell: This is so much better.
Sometimes you just have to get it out of system, right? - Oh, God.
- Just all out.
- I'm hungry.
- God, Fairbell.
Oh, wait is this my café vanano coffee? Uh, yeah, why? How much of this stuff did you drink? I don't know.
I've never drank coffee before.
I just started drinking and then I kept drinking - and then my brain got all fuzzy.
- Oh, my God.
Abbey, what is wrong with you? Oh, I will take your criticisms of my life choices when you finally get laid.
18 months? I mean, that is so sad! Hey, I have had two HJs during that time - two, okay? - Even sadder! Enough is enough, all right? We still have to figure out who painted this pentagrams, okay? I did.
I drew the pentagrams.
- Oh, that's very funny, Phil.
- Yeah, sure.
This is a very serious situation.
I'm also a practicing Satanist.
Oh right.
That is a good one.
No, really.
Our motto is "Do what thou wilt," and I wilted drawing a bunch pentagrams.
See, Shoemaker? He's way funnier than you'd think.
I Okay.
Yeah.
I see it now.
- Exactly.
- Uh-huh.
You know what, maybe this is one of those, "We'll-never-know" type things.
You know, a mystery for the ages.
Okay, [bleep.]
it.
I'm gonna go if I can raise Baphomet the Goat Demon.
Alls well that ends well.
Why don't we go ahead and call it a night.
Everybody, uh, just give me your cameras.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God, I forgot we were even wearing these.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, here's an idea maybe we should just destroy all this footage and forget this night ever happened.
- Yeah, let's let's get started.
- Yeah, let's just go for it.
Let's just get rid of all of this crap.
Quinn: Power is just going down.
Shoemaker: I'm so sorry, Doris.