Top Gear (2002) s02e09 Episode Script
Jeremy Drives From the Backseat
Tonight - Captain Jean-Luc Picard at warp point 0.
001.
The Dutch make a car! And be still my beating heart - a new Vauxhall saloon.
Good evening and welcome to the show that has wheels.
As I'm sure you know, we have a test track outside our base here, which we use to test fast stuff - Porsches, Ferraris, Lamborghinis.
This week, the S60R - which is a Volvo.
Don't think we've brought sanity to our world of noise and squealing tyres - because Volvo says this is a rival for the BMW M3.
I don't know what they're on about.
It has a phone, comfortable seats, cruise control, and it feels soft and flobbery Iike a big, woolly bison.
It's not fast.
It has a turbo and intercoolers, but it's still only developed Iess than you get from the Germans.
It's only when you concentrate that you pick up the clues.
The big alloy wheels.
The blue engine cover.
The seats - which seem to have been made out of David Dickinson.
And those three little buttons on the dash - comfort, sport and advanced.
These buttons are the key that unlocks Volvo's new Skyhook system.
The system has more computing power than the CIA.
Let's push "sport", and let's partially disengage one of the traction controls.
There.
Let's see what happens.
At this moment, the computer thinks, "Wheel's losing grip - need brakes.
" "I've backed the engine power off and power will go to the back.
" "I'll pump the shock absorber up.
" Then, 500ths of a second later, it changes its mind! It thinks, "This has all the power in the world, I'll unleash it, I'll get the back brakes on.
" From in here, I have no idea that any of this is going on.
It's relaxing.
I can just sit here, listening to the excellent stereo, and speculate on if these seats are David Dickinson at all.
They might be an offcut of Dale Winton.
A choice cut of Dale.
The combination of four wheel drive and two traction control systems makes it clever, stylish, likeable, but a boring, medium speed cruiser.
A rival for the BMW M3? I don't think so.
The good thing about the technology is that when you finish clowning, you can put the suspension into comfort - bison - mode, sink deeper into Dale Winton, and bumble home in your trilby.
Volvo style.
What happened to the pointless skidding around, headlights on It won't do it! The Volvo bosses said to their engineers, "Go away chaps, ignore the usual Dancing Queen, let's have Ozzy Osbourne.
" They've just made the S60 safer.
I have the brochure.
I've never seen so many stupid acronyms for driver control.
DCC wheel-hop control, DSTC c-r-a-p can you turn it off? In a normal car, when you turn the traction control off, push a button and it's off.
Not in this.
You can't do it unless you're "highly experienced".
Then it says you have to push the button five times, in succession, "with a certain frequency".
What's that? Our country cracked the Enigma code, so we had no problem working it out.
When we'd got it off, we gave it to the Stig.
Away he goes.
The traction control is completely off.
The suspension is in advanced mode, which Volvo says makes it like "a racing car".
Stig's tribute to the Walrus of Love.
Tidy round Chicago.
Not that fast.
The real test here - the Hammerhead.
Plenty of understeer.
Not good! Nothing like a racing car! Down to the follow through.
That's quick.
Ooh, careful, Stig! Coming up into the penultimate bend.
Lurching a bit there.
The Volvo's four seconds down on the M3.
It smoothes through and past the line! The time was 1 min 35 secs dead.
Whorr! So that goes there.
It's 3.
2 slower than the M3 - a lot.
Look at it this way.
It's cheaper and less embarrassing than the M3.
Far less embarrassing.
The great thing about the S60 is that you can have it as an estate.
That is nice.
It's fabulous.
I love that.
It's very good.
So what I'd do is buy an Audi S4.
Iook what we have - the new Mazda RX-8, which arrived this morning on a plane from Japan.
Here's the proof - Japanese bird poo! With SARS.
You're looking and thinking, "Very nice.
" "Rotary engine, £20,000.
There's other coupes I could get for that.
" Sure - Nissan Z-car, Audi TT, Toyota Celica and so forth.
None can do this.
Here's one door.
If you want to get in the back - look at that! Brilliant! We're sold on that here.
We wanted James to test it.
He said, "No, I'd rather go to Germany and drive an American car that runs on seawater.
" The car's over 100 years old.
In that time, it's evolved nicely.
But let's be honest - it's never really changed.
Until now.
This is the General Motors Highwire.
It looks like a car, with wheels, windows.
But it is a revolution in how a car works.
MUSIC: "Echoes Part One " by Pink Floyd What makes the Highwire go is contained in an 11 inch deep chassis here.
There's no engine - that's gone.
There's no gearbox.
There's no fascia or pedals, no link between the driver and the driving.
It's replaced with this - a computer cable.
This isn't science fiction.
I'm going to drive it.
You'll notice I've got into the wrong side of the car.
But it's not a problem.
There are no pedals.
There you go.
I can go to the ferry at Dover in a right-hand drive car, and drive off the other end in Calais in a left-hand drive car.
Let's see if we can make this go.
Power, then select "Drive" on the button there.
Twist to accelerate Squeeze them, and we brake.
That's fantastic.
But this is weird.
It's very airy, and there's a big floor, and look at the size of that window! It's sort of like driving a patio.
This doesn't feel natural.
It's logical, but it's not second nature, as I'm used to driving a normal car.
But someone in the PlayStation generation could drive this easily, on level ten, probably! Rear-view mirror? Bit 20th century, so we'll have a TV screen here.
As for door mirrors, we'll have TVs there too.
Sorry if I'm not talking in a normal voice, but I am concentrating very hard here.
There's only one of these in the world, and it's worth about five million quid.
Right.
Let's have the top off this thing, to see how it works.
That's easy.
With no mechanical linkages to worry about, it's a simple matter of undoing bolts and whipping out the computer cable.
This electric motor drives it.
This is the hydrogen fuel tank, and this is the fuel cell.
In this, hydrogen from the tank combines with oxygen in the air to produce electricity.
There are no batteries to recharge anywhere.
This has its own on-board power station.
It generates so much electricity that I could run my house off it.
I could run half my street off it.
But the real stroke of genius is combining hydrogen power with bi-wire controls, because here's something you can't do with your car.
This is essentially a family saloon.
But what if you wanted a pick-up, a people carrier or even a two-seater convertible sports car? Well change it! Go to the dealer, get him to unbolt this body, and plug a new one in.
It'll only take half an hour.
Or better, get him to bring one round.
The Highwire is made by General Motors, and they own Vauxhall.
Know what this is? This is the new Vectra! Not the next one, and probably not the one after that, but one day If we forget all the Tomorrow's World stuff, the most important thing about this is the hydrogen power station.
Yeah.
It's the fuel of the future.
They say that in 10 or 20 years, they can do this.
10 or 20 years? And you get hydrogen from Salt water.
You make it from salt water.
And all you get out of the exhaust is Water.
So this is the future.
Remember this moment.
That is the car of the future.
Never mind the future, let's look at gadgets you can get hold of now.
First up, this.
I think this is going to be exceptionally useful.
I know what that is.
You can put it in the back of your car.
And you can send messages to people.
I've always wanted one of these.
Think of the things you could write! You get on, and I'll programme a message in.
What is that? This is an alarm.
It's got a little Formula 1 car, a McLaren, and it does this.
Imagine it's a one-night stand, and it's time for your alarm.
TINNY ENGINE WHINE At seven in the morning! But better still, you can then lean across and press the accelerator.
WHINE GETS MORE FURIOUS That's not a noise you want in your bedroom at seven in the morning! My advice is, leave it.
I don't believe this.
We've broken every gadget It's a disaster.
It censors your message.
What? It censors your message! LAUGHTER It doesn't really? No, look.
Watch.
It won't do swearwords.
That's a piece of clever technology, and the first thing you thought of to do with it was swear.
Genius! Look at this.
It's a car driving along Oh, wow! Look at that! How does that work? You can write that on your wheels? That's witchcraft.
Can it censor that? Or can I write whatever I like? LAUGHTER What's that? It's a stereo.
You put your CD in it in the normal manner, but it then memorises the contents onto a hard disk like a computer.
Like an MP3 or iPod.
Very much so.
Then you don't have to carry CDs around.
And mine wouldn't be stolen, because I can put a sticker saying, "This contains traces of Barclay James Harvest.
" Anyone who nicked it would go, "No!" Like those who want drum 'n' bass.
"How do I get it off?" Can we steal that? They won't want it back.
I'm having that.
What's this rag? This is clever.
This is good.
Let me have a look.
This is a shirt.
It cost £2,000.
£2,500.
Sorry, £2,500.
It's made of material with metal in it, and it irons itself.
Even if you scrumpled it in your suitcase, the heat from your body irons it.
Good for sales reps.
Just put it on, and drive with the heater on.
It's got aftershave smell in it as well.
It's ridiculous.
It's small size.
Oh, no! Go and try it on.
We want to see if it works.
Seriously? Even if it doesn't work, boy, we're going to have a laugh at you anyway! Thanks, guys! Go on, go and find a changing room.
Go and help him! Right, that's got rid of Shorty.
Good, as there's only two of these.
This is what I arrived on.
You can stand on it, even though it's only got two wheels, because it's got a gyroscope that balances you.
To go forwards, just lean forwards, and it goes that way.
Then I brake by leaning backwards, and then go backwards again! It's simple.
And you can do this.
I'm a dancer.
Just turn your handlebar that way to go that way.
They're made in America, of course, so that fat Yanks could go to the fridge without expending energy! How much do they cost? They start at £2,500.
But they're not legal in Britain.
They're not registered for use on roads, and you can't use it on the pavement.
They're worried that any idiot could go out and buy one of these.
Has that man got that shirt on? I don't know.
Hammond? JEREMY GUFFAWS WITH LAUGHTER AUDIENCE CHEER So, Hammond, are you hot? Am I hot? I'm in a room with 300 people and 1,000 lamps, and I'm wearing this! Yes, I am hot! Does it work? You look like D'Artagnan, but shorter.
Last week, Jodie Kidd drove our Suzuki Liana faster than any other celebrity.
we had a call from a Mr Jay Kay of Buckinghamshire, who'd been leading for nine months or so and he said, "I'll be back.
" Mr Kay, there's little point.
My guest tonight travels the universe at nine times the speed of light.
He is the captain of the USS Enterprise.
Patrick Stewart! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How are you? Have a seat.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Whoo-hoo! Oh, yes! You're our most famous guest ever.
This must be a terrible show, then.
There was Richard Whiteley.
Yes, yes He's a legend from Wakefield to Newcastle.
So I'm marginally more impressive? Yeah.
But marginally? Yeah.
Thanks.
I feel really good being here.
I understand you watched last week and I had a bit of a rant about using mobile phones while driving.
It's rare to have an opportunity to take up an argument with a celebrity such as yourself.
LAUGHTER I mean, I use the term "celebrity" very loosely.
What's your beef about using them? As you may or may not know, I do spend a lot of my working life - meaning my driving life - in California, namely LA.
LA is a very dangerous place to drive.
You're always vulnerable to an incident.
Many of these incidents result from people talking on cellphones.
I saw a woman the other day on the freeway, where we do 55, 60, 65 I'm amazed they can breathe at that speed.
Jeez! She's talking on her cellphone.
She's steering with her left elbow, Iike, hooked into the wheel, because, with her right hand, she's doing her mascara.
I do that, except for the mascara.
And you need it.
I'm fully made-up today.
I think it was irresponsible.
What I did? This man talked on his communicator while being assimilated by the Bull.
LAUGHTER But I've had a lot of practice, you see.
I think, "Who are you talking to in your car?" And it's a hands-free thing, which I've got in my car.
What are you doing looking at them? Where should your attention be? I'm bored! Driving's boring! I think, "Look at him! What sort of geography does he teach?" LAUGHTER In his case, yes, you're right.
Exactly.
So why are you over here? You do spend most of your time in Los Angeles.
Purely because of work.
I have a home in North Yorkshire.
And I love that! In Skipton? Near Skipton.
The captain of the USS Enterprise lives in Skipton! But why you're here Yes, I'm here because it's all changing.
I'm doing a play called The Master Builder.
It's by Henrik Ibsen and it stars myself and Sue Johnston and a brilliant young actress, less than a year out of drama school called Lisa Dillon, who is "the other woman".
The 19 year old? Yes.
Is anybody here familiar with The Master Builder? The BBC's slated for its lack of arts coverage, we can rectify that.
You invite me onto the show, knowing that I'm doing The Master Builder.
Here's what most people, here's the connection - Henrik Ibsen, famous playwright, and distinguisehed Formula Four and rally car driver.
Yes! Very few people know about this, which is why my being on this show is appropriate.
He was clever, seeing as he wrote plays before they invented the car.
That was the early stages of his career.
So he went on? He gave up the writing after The Dolls House.
He just got bored.
The Scandinavians are great rally drivers.
Absolutely.
It all began with him.
It's a little known fact.
Oversteer and Ibsen on the same show! That is culture.
The Master Builder is an architect who builds a big tower and jumps off it.
That's the essence of the play.
In a sentence, yes it is, but it does miss out It misses out some critical factors.
It's about a very successful and powerful architect, who is at the emotional point of implosion when the play begins.
Into his tortured existence, he's married - to Sue Johnstone - appears this Beautiful 19-year-old girl.
She says.
"Ten years ago, you said I was your princess and in ten years time you'd come for me.
"Here I am.
" And he jumps off his tower?.
.
Yes.
This man wrote a play about a duck that gets shot.
Yes.
Your plot lines on the Enterprise were better.
Now, cars.
Yes! Why we're here.
Absolutely.
You do love your cars.
This much is obvious.
Yes There's one primary reason.
We were quite poor when we grew up.
My parents never owned a car and didn't drive.
In my street, only one family owned a car.
The Cloughs had this SS Jagwar Sorry, Jaguar.
It's living in America.
You learn to say "Jagwar".
Unlearn it now, because we're back in Yes, I know where we are.
Not only was this a fabulously beautiful car, but the Cloughs had an attractive daughter You never know who's watching.
I hope she is watching.
Valerie, are you still out there? She's behind the sofa.
You missed out, Val.
So what happened? We would make out in the back of the SS Jaguar, so it wasn't just By that, I mean, you know Heavy petting, as the term is.
LAUGHTER I wasn't quite sure which excited me more, the heavy petting or being in the SS Jaguar.
I should have been excited by the Jaguar.
It's the double whammy, isn't it? That's the great thing.
You do love your Jags.
I do, yes.
I'm on my second now.
I've had this one for almost 14 years.
I bought an XJS, the 12-cylinder, the big monster, convertible, in 1989 and I simply couldn't get rid of it.
There's no more beautiful production car.
It's British racing green.
It has wire wheels which are a nightmare.
To clean.
I don't have to clean the wheels.
He's on more than 130 quid a week.
I have a wire-wheel cleaning man who comes to me to clean.
Is it the car you've bequeathed? Yeah, it's named in my will.
I told my son he would get it.
He's getting sod-all else, mind you.
And it isn't worth that much.
Frankly, he'll get £1.
50, won't he? On the other hand, look at it this way.
It is Captain Picard's Jaguar and that's got to do something.
£2.
50.
LAUGHTER Can you have fun driving in America? I find it tricky, ignoring the phone malarky.
Well, if you find it fun to practise defensive driving - you know what I mean - then it can be fun.
You always expect the worst.
What I enjoy are the long road trips, driving out into the desert.
I love going to Northern California and taking several days.
But where are the corners? There On freeways you don't get many.
There is one famous place, at least for Angelinos.
There's a section of Sunset Boulevard, just in Brentwood, before Beverly Hills.
You know what he's talking about.
He doesn't, he's no idea! There are these three banked corners on Sunset - "Dead Man's Curve".
You've got a right-hander, a left-hander and a right-hander.
They're steeply banked in the right direction.
Those of us who love it, we hang back, for gap between the cars in front, as you approach, hit the gas and hope that there's no police cars watching.
You can do these turns as if you're in a Formula One car.
The problem is a homeowner there has a sprinkler system and and it come on, so you can hit this at 12am and the road suddenly becomes like glass.
No traction control on your XJS? No traction control on that.
My wife has a Mercedes CL500, which is an extraordinary vehicle.
You'd be safe in that.
Panzer tank.
No, the Cl is not a tank, actually.
It's a heavy thing! It's a two-door.
Weighs more than the Enterprise.
So you've been out in the Suzuki Liana.
How do you think you got on? I'm not too optimistic I know, I know.
I would love to beat Gambon.
Gambon? His time was 1.
55, but in the wet.
You'd like to have beaten him? He's a colleague and fine actor, but I would like to see him eat my dust.
He did a spectacular manoeuvre.
I know.
Two wheels around the corner.
Shall we find out? Play it.
That's a great sight - you off the bridge and in a Suzuki.
Ooh, serious.
How did you find the car? Ordinary.
Sliding a bit wide, bit too much power, if I might be so bold.
I look good, though.
You do.
This is the The hammerhead.
That's That's where Jodie Kidd was quick, because she wasn't overdriving it.
Ooh, that's very fast.
Here we are, coming up to Gambon corner and you're across the line! CHEERING So, you wanna hazard a guess? No.
Whiteley.
Two years.
Two light years actually and six warps or whatever it is.
Well, in fact, you did it, and welcome to a very exclusive little club, in one minute, 50 seconds.
Same time.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE No kidding.
That's the same time as me, as Jamie Oliver and as Gordon Ramsay.
I think that's a reasonable time, don't you? LAUGHTER You've just made me very happy.
I might buy the show out and go on the town.
A second ahead of Gambon.
Yesss! Ladies and gentlemen, Patrick Stewart! Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right Earlier on, we looked at some pretty impressive gadgets, but here's the best gadget of them all.
The Carver.
So it's a sort of a bike thing.
Well, no.
It's got car wheels on the back and standard car controls to drive it.
And 0 to 60 takes eight seconds, which in bike terms is a week.
So it's a sort of a car? Well no, it's not a car, because it does this Whoaarr! Sensational! It's got a 660cc turbo-charged engine that's good for Help! I'm falling over! Trust me, that's enough.
I'm in an insane machine! It may look like a piece of lunatic fun, but it's actually very difficult to tilt.
It uses hydraulic rams that allow it to go over at ridiculous angles.
You can end up at 45 degrees, which Well, that's madness.
It then gets tricky.
The engine is in this bit, that doesn't tilt, you're in the bit that does tilt and it's all got to connect up.
That's one of the reasons why it's so complicated and also why it's so spectacular.
The tilt isn't determined by how far you turn the wheel.
It's how hard, so if you tip the wheel hard, you tilt.
But if you're gentle, it doesn't tilt so much, so at slow speeds, you can turn it for a full lock and it stays level.
But if I get more aggressive, it all goes insane.
I am in a road-going fighter plane! I want guns, something that fires missiles.
Go out for a bit of a dogfight, because one thing's unlikely ever to happen You won't come across another one.
The Carver is the result of by those crazy, sexy Dutch.
And they believe it could herald a whole new way of motoring.
Now, the bad news is it's not cheap - £22,500, but this is the gadget to end all gadgets.
STAR WARS THEME It's insane! Who could possibly need one? Me, actually.
Definitely.
And the roof comes out of it.
It's a convertible thing.
The best thing is you know it comes from a place where drugs are legal.
It could only have been the Dutch.
You can see them listening to Bob Marley and someone says, "Cars - too many wheels, let's lose one".
My favourite Dutch story is they had an explorer years ago called Abel Tasman, who went to the South Seas to find new lands.
He found Tasmania - that's named after him, he found New Zealand and the Fiji islands.
He MISSED Australia! It's easily done.
IN DUTCH ACCENT: I was having a smoke, went right past it! It's unbelievable.
Then they brought it over to this country.
Because it's not a car, not a bike, the bloke in a suit over here, he didn't know what to do.
So as a result, you don't need a helmet.
No, my wife drove it.
There you go.
I had one of these last weekend and I have to say, hand on heart, I've never had so much fun in a car.
And I don't think I'd tire of it.
You never tire of people coming around going, "Can I have a go?" The kids were like, "Let's have another ride in that car.
" When it leans, it really, really banks over.
And you have these warning lights.
Did you show those? Warning lights on the dashboard.
It goes through the green bit and into the red when it leans too much.
It said in my letter, "And this is good fun! " It gives you a target.
Two red lightsfour! The kids go, "How many lights have you got on? " "All of the red ones! " Oh! I loved it.
The great thing was I went to a party What, in this? Yeah.
And as, I admit, I may have had a sherry or two You didn't? Yeah, and decided I wouldn't drive back in this.
My wife said she'd drive, and that meant You were a passenger? Yeah.
You're joking.
No.
I don't believe you.
I tell you, I can get in the back of this.
Shall I do the seat? Yeah.
There is an art to getting in.
You are joking.
To do it in a crazy, sexy way.
Oh, you see, look.
I can't believe it! I'm getting in.
Do you see, this is This is a country where a gay marriage is legal.
He is my partner and also my lover.
Lift your foot.
Look at that! That's marvellous.
It worked.
Oh, mate, I'll never get that out of my mind - jammed between Jeremy's thighs in a Dutch three-wheeler! Now you may have read in the paper that Britain is one of the cheapest places in Europe to buy a new car, and that manufacturers want to increase prices by 3%.
In fact it's irrelevant because you'd have to be a donkey to pay the full list price for any car in Britain.
Speak your mind! The Saab 93 two-litre turbo - £1,900 off.
The Audi TT, the 225bhp version, £2,500 off.
This gets better.
BMW 320 diesel, £3,500 off.
Mercedes C-Class 200 auto, £5,500 off.
No! This is my favourite - the Maserati Now, Fiesta-size cars.
This is the biggest market in Britain now.
It's been growing for five years but it's still oversupplied.
Think of £1,000 off a Ford Fiesta or Ka.
£1,500 off a Vauxhall Corsa Active, £1,100 off a one-litre Lupo, over £2,000 off a Toyota Yaris, top spec, 1.
3 litre engine.
Lovely car.
From the front, this looks like a Vectra.
Under the bonnet it has the same choice of engines as the Vectra.
And under the body, the chassis is the same as you'll get in next year's Vectra estate.
It even feels like a Vectra to drive.
Apart from these silly indicators that have a mind of their own, it's a collection of elements from the periodic table.
This, however, is not a Vectra.
With its shapely but large J-Lo rear end, this is the future.
This is the new Vauxhall Signum.
The most obvious difference is this panel in the roof which contains storage bins.
Now, this one is very useful for storing sunglasses.
These two here, it's difficult to fathom what you might fit in them.
Nothing you normally keep in a car would fit.
Road maps, CDs, boxes of tissues and so on.
The only thing I can find which fits is a stick of celery which Look at that, perfect.
And that shows a level of thoughtfulness we've not seen from any other car maker.
In every other car I've driven, the celery rolls around, getting in the way of major controls.
No, really, who else provides storage for celery? Not even the new Rolls-Royce has that.
But the biggest change with this car is found in the back.
You get a lot more space than you do in a Vectra.
And these seats slide forwards and backwards and they recline and they fold flat.
But there are only two of them.
In the middle, in this base model which is £18,000, is a drinks tray or an arm rest, or nothing at all.
In the more expensive models which go up to £25,000, what you get here is a fridge and a DVD player.
So, this is a wonderful car for people in the back.
And that's great - apart from one small thing.
I've come to the M40 on a Tuesday morning at 10.
45.
And I'm going to give £1 to the Donkey Sanctuary in Devon for every car that drives past here in the next hour that has someone sitting in the back No.
No.
No.
No.
Discovery, seven seats, and one person in it.
No, no, no.
Vectra.
Still no.
Think of the donkeys! No.
Yes! Right, time's up.
Let's see how much we've raised for the donkeys.
£4.
Four cars, in an hour, with someone in the back.
So why has Vauxhall made a car for a market that doesn't exist? They say it does.
They say they did lots and lots of research and they found lots of people who wanted tons of space in the back of their car - but only two seats.
And all these people had one thing in common - they were all men.
But I understand that.
First thing I do when I move into a new house, forget the curtains and the carpets and the cooker - you get your TV, your stereo and your PlayStation up and running.
It's fine to have a fridge-cum-DVD player instead of a seat.
It's the obvious thing to do! Mumsy cars have lots of seats and are as sensible as big knickers.
But this has lots of gadgets so it's the world's first dadsy car.
The first car ever made which only works if you're sitting in the back.
Now there are problems with that.
Like, you won't get a chauffeur to drive what is basically a Vectra.
And if you can afford a chauffeur, you won't have a car like this.
However, the great thing about being a man is that I can improvise.
So, what I have here is a hoe and another hoe and a long, extending arm thing, and some string and some duct tape, and a clamp.
And I think this is going to work.
Right.
Attach the end to this prong of the steering wheel.
SOUND OF DUCT TAPE BEING PULLED Made in Germany so it's strong.
Where are my scissors gone? And then we need the hoe, this one, the one with the extending arm.
Good.
Think I've thought of everything.
No SOUND OF DUCT TAPE BEING PULLED That's very good.
This is a work of genius.
I've got this to operate the gears.
This one does the clutch.
This is for the throttle.
ENGINE ROARS And that does the brake as well.
This is the piece de resistance.
This is my steering.
Look at that! So, all I have to do now is test it.
And I shall give £1 to the Donkey Sanctuary for every mile I cover without crashing.
OK, here goes.
Handbrake off.
And, um clutch Clutch in.
Into first.
And, er Everyone out the way.
Here we go.
Oh, that's a problem.
If you want to go right you must pull left.
Little bit of throttle.
Away she goes Second.
Nice.
IT WORKS! IT WORKS! APPLAUSE Stop! No, this is wrong! Thank you, everybody, thank you.
No! Because it didn't work.
It did! It didn't work the first time.
It went a bit wrong You crashed.
I slightly went into a field.
And crashed.
And slightly broke the front.
The cameras weren't rolling for that first take but this is better because I have the insurance claim form.
"Where were you at the time of the accident? " In the back! And on that note, it's time to end the show.
Good night!
001.
The Dutch make a car! And be still my beating heart - a new Vauxhall saloon.
Good evening and welcome to the show that has wheels.
As I'm sure you know, we have a test track outside our base here, which we use to test fast stuff - Porsches, Ferraris, Lamborghinis.
This week, the S60R - which is a Volvo.
Don't think we've brought sanity to our world of noise and squealing tyres - because Volvo says this is a rival for the BMW M3.
I don't know what they're on about.
It has a phone, comfortable seats, cruise control, and it feels soft and flobbery Iike a big, woolly bison.
It's not fast.
It has a turbo and intercoolers, but it's still only developed Iess than you get from the Germans.
It's only when you concentrate that you pick up the clues.
The big alloy wheels.
The blue engine cover.
The seats - which seem to have been made out of David Dickinson.
And those three little buttons on the dash - comfort, sport and advanced.
These buttons are the key that unlocks Volvo's new Skyhook system.
The system has more computing power than the CIA.
Let's push "sport", and let's partially disengage one of the traction controls.
There.
Let's see what happens.
At this moment, the computer thinks, "Wheel's losing grip - need brakes.
" "I've backed the engine power off and power will go to the back.
" "I'll pump the shock absorber up.
" Then, 500ths of a second later, it changes its mind! It thinks, "This has all the power in the world, I'll unleash it, I'll get the back brakes on.
" From in here, I have no idea that any of this is going on.
It's relaxing.
I can just sit here, listening to the excellent stereo, and speculate on if these seats are David Dickinson at all.
They might be an offcut of Dale Winton.
A choice cut of Dale.
The combination of four wheel drive and two traction control systems makes it clever, stylish, likeable, but a boring, medium speed cruiser.
A rival for the BMW M3? I don't think so.
The good thing about the technology is that when you finish clowning, you can put the suspension into comfort - bison - mode, sink deeper into Dale Winton, and bumble home in your trilby.
Volvo style.
What happened to the pointless skidding around, headlights on It won't do it! The Volvo bosses said to their engineers, "Go away chaps, ignore the usual Dancing Queen, let's have Ozzy Osbourne.
" They've just made the S60 safer.
I have the brochure.
I've never seen so many stupid acronyms for driver control.
DCC wheel-hop control, DSTC c-r-a-p can you turn it off? In a normal car, when you turn the traction control off, push a button and it's off.
Not in this.
You can't do it unless you're "highly experienced".
Then it says you have to push the button five times, in succession, "with a certain frequency".
What's that? Our country cracked the Enigma code, so we had no problem working it out.
When we'd got it off, we gave it to the Stig.
Away he goes.
The traction control is completely off.
The suspension is in advanced mode, which Volvo says makes it like "a racing car".
Stig's tribute to the Walrus of Love.
Tidy round Chicago.
Not that fast.
The real test here - the Hammerhead.
Plenty of understeer.
Not good! Nothing like a racing car! Down to the follow through.
That's quick.
Ooh, careful, Stig! Coming up into the penultimate bend.
Lurching a bit there.
The Volvo's four seconds down on the M3.
It smoothes through and past the line! The time was 1 min 35 secs dead.
Whorr! So that goes there.
It's 3.
2 slower than the M3 - a lot.
Look at it this way.
It's cheaper and less embarrassing than the M3.
Far less embarrassing.
The great thing about the S60 is that you can have it as an estate.
That is nice.
It's fabulous.
I love that.
It's very good.
So what I'd do is buy an Audi S4.
Iook what we have - the new Mazda RX-8, which arrived this morning on a plane from Japan.
Here's the proof - Japanese bird poo! With SARS.
You're looking and thinking, "Very nice.
" "Rotary engine, £20,000.
There's other coupes I could get for that.
" Sure - Nissan Z-car, Audi TT, Toyota Celica and so forth.
None can do this.
Here's one door.
If you want to get in the back - look at that! Brilliant! We're sold on that here.
We wanted James to test it.
He said, "No, I'd rather go to Germany and drive an American car that runs on seawater.
" The car's over 100 years old.
In that time, it's evolved nicely.
But let's be honest - it's never really changed.
Until now.
This is the General Motors Highwire.
It looks like a car, with wheels, windows.
But it is a revolution in how a car works.
MUSIC: "Echoes Part One " by Pink Floyd What makes the Highwire go is contained in an 11 inch deep chassis here.
There's no engine - that's gone.
There's no gearbox.
There's no fascia or pedals, no link between the driver and the driving.
It's replaced with this - a computer cable.
This isn't science fiction.
I'm going to drive it.
You'll notice I've got into the wrong side of the car.
But it's not a problem.
There are no pedals.
There you go.
I can go to the ferry at Dover in a right-hand drive car, and drive off the other end in Calais in a left-hand drive car.
Let's see if we can make this go.
Power, then select "Drive" on the button there.
Twist to accelerate Squeeze them, and we brake.
That's fantastic.
But this is weird.
It's very airy, and there's a big floor, and look at the size of that window! It's sort of like driving a patio.
This doesn't feel natural.
It's logical, but it's not second nature, as I'm used to driving a normal car.
But someone in the PlayStation generation could drive this easily, on level ten, probably! Rear-view mirror? Bit 20th century, so we'll have a TV screen here.
As for door mirrors, we'll have TVs there too.
Sorry if I'm not talking in a normal voice, but I am concentrating very hard here.
There's only one of these in the world, and it's worth about five million quid.
Right.
Let's have the top off this thing, to see how it works.
That's easy.
With no mechanical linkages to worry about, it's a simple matter of undoing bolts and whipping out the computer cable.
This electric motor drives it.
This is the hydrogen fuel tank, and this is the fuel cell.
In this, hydrogen from the tank combines with oxygen in the air to produce electricity.
There are no batteries to recharge anywhere.
This has its own on-board power station.
It generates so much electricity that I could run my house off it.
I could run half my street off it.
But the real stroke of genius is combining hydrogen power with bi-wire controls, because here's something you can't do with your car.
This is essentially a family saloon.
But what if you wanted a pick-up, a people carrier or even a two-seater convertible sports car? Well change it! Go to the dealer, get him to unbolt this body, and plug a new one in.
It'll only take half an hour.
Or better, get him to bring one round.
The Highwire is made by General Motors, and they own Vauxhall.
Know what this is? This is the new Vectra! Not the next one, and probably not the one after that, but one day If we forget all the Tomorrow's World stuff, the most important thing about this is the hydrogen power station.
Yeah.
It's the fuel of the future.
They say that in 10 or 20 years, they can do this.
10 or 20 years? And you get hydrogen from Salt water.
You make it from salt water.
And all you get out of the exhaust is Water.
So this is the future.
Remember this moment.
That is the car of the future.
Never mind the future, let's look at gadgets you can get hold of now.
First up, this.
I think this is going to be exceptionally useful.
I know what that is.
You can put it in the back of your car.
And you can send messages to people.
I've always wanted one of these.
Think of the things you could write! You get on, and I'll programme a message in.
What is that? This is an alarm.
It's got a little Formula 1 car, a McLaren, and it does this.
Imagine it's a one-night stand, and it's time for your alarm.
TINNY ENGINE WHINE At seven in the morning! But better still, you can then lean across and press the accelerator.
WHINE GETS MORE FURIOUS That's not a noise you want in your bedroom at seven in the morning! My advice is, leave it.
I don't believe this.
We've broken every gadget It's a disaster.
It censors your message.
What? It censors your message! LAUGHTER It doesn't really? No, look.
Watch.
It won't do swearwords.
That's a piece of clever technology, and the first thing you thought of to do with it was swear.
Genius! Look at this.
It's a car driving along Oh, wow! Look at that! How does that work? You can write that on your wheels? That's witchcraft.
Can it censor that? Or can I write whatever I like? LAUGHTER What's that? It's a stereo.
You put your CD in it in the normal manner, but it then memorises the contents onto a hard disk like a computer.
Like an MP3 or iPod.
Very much so.
Then you don't have to carry CDs around.
And mine wouldn't be stolen, because I can put a sticker saying, "This contains traces of Barclay James Harvest.
" Anyone who nicked it would go, "No!" Like those who want drum 'n' bass.
"How do I get it off?" Can we steal that? They won't want it back.
I'm having that.
What's this rag? This is clever.
This is good.
Let me have a look.
This is a shirt.
It cost £2,000.
£2,500.
Sorry, £2,500.
It's made of material with metal in it, and it irons itself.
Even if you scrumpled it in your suitcase, the heat from your body irons it.
Good for sales reps.
Just put it on, and drive with the heater on.
It's got aftershave smell in it as well.
It's ridiculous.
It's small size.
Oh, no! Go and try it on.
We want to see if it works.
Seriously? Even if it doesn't work, boy, we're going to have a laugh at you anyway! Thanks, guys! Go on, go and find a changing room.
Go and help him! Right, that's got rid of Shorty.
Good, as there's only two of these.
This is what I arrived on.
You can stand on it, even though it's only got two wheels, because it's got a gyroscope that balances you.
To go forwards, just lean forwards, and it goes that way.
Then I brake by leaning backwards, and then go backwards again! It's simple.
And you can do this.
I'm a dancer.
Just turn your handlebar that way to go that way.
They're made in America, of course, so that fat Yanks could go to the fridge without expending energy! How much do they cost? They start at £2,500.
But they're not legal in Britain.
They're not registered for use on roads, and you can't use it on the pavement.
They're worried that any idiot could go out and buy one of these.
Has that man got that shirt on? I don't know.
Hammond? JEREMY GUFFAWS WITH LAUGHTER AUDIENCE CHEER So, Hammond, are you hot? Am I hot? I'm in a room with 300 people and 1,000 lamps, and I'm wearing this! Yes, I am hot! Does it work? You look like D'Artagnan, but shorter.
Last week, Jodie Kidd drove our Suzuki Liana faster than any other celebrity.
we had a call from a Mr Jay Kay of Buckinghamshire, who'd been leading for nine months or so and he said, "I'll be back.
" Mr Kay, there's little point.
My guest tonight travels the universe at nine times the speed of light.
He is the captain of the USS Enterprise.
Patrick Stewart! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How are you? Have a seat.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Whoo-hoo! Oh, yes! You're our most famous guest ever.
This must be a terrible show, then.
There was Richard Whiteley.
Yes, yes He's a legend from Wakefield to Newcastle.
So I'm marginally more impressive? Yeah.
But marginally? Yeah.
Thanks.
I feel really good being here.
I understand you watched last week and I had a bit of a rant about using mobile phones while driving.
It's rare to have an opportunity to take up an argument with a celebrity such as yourself.
LAUGHTER I mean, I use the term "celebrity" very loosely.
What's your beef about using them? As you may or may not know, I do spend a lot of my working life - meaning my driving life - in California, namely LA.
LA is a very dangerous place to drive.
You're always vulnerable to an incident.
Many of these incidents result from people talking on cellphones.
I saw a woman the other day on the freeway, where we do 55, 60, 65 I'm amazed they can breathe at that speed.
Jeez! She's talking on her cellphone.
She's steering with her left elbow, Iike, hooked into the wheel, because, with her right hand, she's doing her mascara.
I do that, except for the mascara.
And you need it.
I'm fully made-up today.
I think it was irresponsible.
What I did? This man talked on his communicator while being assimilated by the Bull.
LAUGHTER But I've had a lot of practice, you see.
I think, "Who are you talking to in your car?" And it's a hands-free thing, which I've got in my car.
What are you doing looking at them? Where should your attention be? I'm bored! Driving's boring! I think, "Look at him! What sort of geography does he teach?" LAUGHTER In his case, yes, you're right.
Exactly.
So why are you over here? You do spend most of your time in Los Angeles.
Purely because of work.
I have a home in North Yorkshire.
And I love that! In Skipton? Near Skipton.
The captain of the USS Enterprise lives in Skipton! But why you're here Yes, I'm here because it's all changing.
I'm doing a play called The Master Builder.
It's by Henrik Ibsen and it stars myself and Sue Johnston and a brilliant young actress, less than a year out of drama school called Lisa Dillon, who is "the other woman".
The 19 year old? Yes.
Is anybody here familiar with The Master Builder? The BBC's slated for its lack of arts coverage, we can rectify that.
You invite me onto the show, knowing that I'm doing The Master Builder.
Here's what most people, here's the connection - Henrik Ibsen, famous playwright, and distinguisehed Formula Four and rally car driver.
Yes! Very few people know about this, which is why my being on this show is appropriate.
He was clever, seeing as he wrote plays before they invented the car.
That was the early stages of his career.
So he went on? He gave up the writing after The Dolls House.
He just got bored.
The Scandinavians are great rally drivers.
Absolutely.
It all began with him.
It's a little known fact.
Oversteer and Ibsen on the same show! That is culture.
The Master Builder is an architect who builds a big tower and jumps off it.
That's the essence of the play.
In a sentence, yes it is, but it does miss out It misses out some critical factors.
It's about a very successful and powerful architect, who is at the emotional point of implosion when the play begins.
Into his tortured existence, he's married - to Sue Johnstone - appears this Beautiful 19-year-old girl.
She says.
"Ten years ago, you said I was your princess and in ten years time you'd come for me.
"Here I am.
" And he jumps off his tower?.
.
Yes.
This man wrote a play about a duck that gets shot.
Yes.
Your plot lines on the Enterprise were better.
Now, cars.
Yes! Why we're here.
Absolutely.
You do love your cars.
This much is obvious.
Yes There's one primary reason.
We were quite poor when we grew up.
My parents never owned a car and didn't drive.
In my street, only one family owned a car.
The Cloughs had this SS Jagwar Sorry, Jaguar.
It's living in America.
You learn to say "Jagwar".
Unlearn it now, because we're back in Yes, I know where we are.
Not only was this a fabulously beautiful car, but the Cloughs had an attractive daughter You never know who's watching.
I hope she is watching.
Valerie, are you still out there? She's behind the sofa.
You missed out, Val.
So what happened? We would make out in the back of the SS Jaguar, so it wasn't just By that, I mean, you know Heavy petting, as the term is.
LAUGHTER I wasn't quite sure which excited me more, the heavy petting or being in the SS Jaguar.
I should have been excited by the Jaguar.
It's the double whammy, isn't it? That's the great thing.
You do love your Jags.
I do, yes.
I'm on my second now.
I've had this one for almost 14 years.
I bought an XJS, the 12-cylinder, the big monster, convertible, in 1989 and I simply couldn't get rid of it.
There's no more beautiful production car.
It's British racing green.
It has wire wheels which are a nightmare.
To clean.
I don't have to clean the wheels.
He's on more than 130 quid a week.
I have a wire-wheel cleaning man who comes to me to clean.
Is it the car you've bequeathed? Yeah, it's named in my will.
I told my son he would get it.
He's getting sod-all else, mind you.
And it isn't worth that much.
Frankly, he'll get £1.
50, won't he? On the other hand, look at it this way.
It is Captain Picard's Jaguar and that's got to do something.
£2.
50.
LAUGHTER Can you have fun driving in America? I find it tricky, ignoring the phone malarky.
Well, if you find it fun to practise defensive driving - you know what I mean - then it can be fun.
You always expect the worst.
What I enjoy are the long road trips, driving out into the desert.
I love going to Northern California and taking several days.
But where are the corners? There On freeways you don't get many.
There is one famous place, at least for Angelinos.
There's a section of Sunset Boulevard, just in Brentwood, before Beverly Hills.
You know what he's talking about.
He doesn't, he's no idea! There are these three banked corners on Sunset - "Dead Man's Curve".
You've got a right-hander, a left-hander and a right-hander.
They're steeply banked in the right direction.
Those of us who love it, we hang back, for gap between the cars in front, as you approach, hit the gas and hope that there's no police cars watching.
You can do these turns as if you're in a Formula One car.
The problem is a homeowner there has a sprinkler system and and it come on, so you can hit this at 12am and the road suddenly becomes like glass.
No traction control on your XJS? No traction control on that.
My wife has a Mercedes CL500, which is an extraordinary vehicle.
You'd be safe in that.
Panzer tank.
No, the Cl is not a tank, actually.
It's a heavy thing! It's a two-door.
Weighs more than the Enterprise.
So you've been out in the Suzuki Liana.
How do you think you got on? I'm not too optimistic I know, I know.
I would love to beat Gambon.
Gambon? His time was 1.
55, but in the wet.
You'd like to have beaten him? He's a colleague and fine actor, but I would like to see him eat my dust.
He did a spectacular manoeuvre.
I know.
Two wheels around the corner.
Shall we find out? Play it.
That's a great sight - you off the bridge and in a Suzuki.
Ooh, serious.
How did you find the car? Ordinary.
Sliding a bit wide, bit too much power, if I might be so bold.
I look good, though.
You do.
This is the The hammerhead.
That's That's where Jodie Kidd was quick, because she wasn't overdriving it.
Ooh, that's very fast.
Here we are, coming up to Gambon corner and you're across the line! CHEERING So, you wanna hazard a guess? No.
Whiteley.
Two years.
Two light years actually and six warps or whatever it is.
Well, in fact, you did it, and welcome to a very exclusive little club, in one minute, 50 seconds.
Same time.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE No kidding.
That's the same time as me, as Jamie Oliver and as Gordon Ramsay.
I think that's a reasonable time, don't you? LAUGHTER You've just made me very happy.
I might buy the show out and go on the town.
A second ahead of Gambon.
Yesss! Ladies and gentlemen, Patrick Stewart! Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right Earlier on, we looked at some pretty impressive gadgets, but here's the best gadget of them all.
The Carver.
So it's a sort of a bike thing.
Well, no.
It's got car wheels on the back and standard car controls to drive it.
And 0 to 60 takes eight seconds, which in bike terms is a week.
So it's a sort of a car? Well no, it's not a car, because it does this Whoaarr! Sensational! It's got a 660cc turbo-charged engine that's good for Help! I'm falling over! Trust me, that's enough.
I'm in an insane machine! It may look like a piece of lunatic fun, but it's actually very difficult to tilt.
It uses hydraulic rams that allow it to go over at ridiculous angles.
You can end up at 45 degrees, which Well, that's madness.
It then gets tricky.
The engine is in this bit, that doesn't tilt, you're in the bit that does tilt and it's all got to connect up.
That's one of the reasons why it's so complicated and also why it's so spectacular.
The tilt isn't determined by how far you turn the wheel.
It's how hard, so if you tip the wheel hard, you tilt.
But if you're gentle, it doesn't tilt so much, so at slow speeds, you can turn it for a full lock and it stays level.
But if I get more aggressive, it all goes insane.
I am in a road-going fighter plane! I want guns, something that fires missiles.
Go out for a bit of a dogfight, because one thing's unlikely ever to happen You won't come across another one.
The Carver is the result of by those crazy, sexy Dutch.
And they believe it could herald a whole new way of motoring.
Now, the bad news is it's not cheap - £22,500, but this is the gadget to end all gadgets.
STAR WARS THEME It's insane! Who could possibly need one? Me, actually.
Definitely.
And the roof comes out of it.
It's a convertible thing.
The best thing is you know it comes from a place where drugs are legal.
It could only have been the Dutch.
You can see them listening to Bob Marley and someone says, "Cars - too many wheels, let's lose one".
My favourite Dutch story is they had an explorer years ago called Abel Tasman, who went to the South Seas to find new lands.
He found Tasmania - that's named after him, he found New Zealand and the Fiji islands.
He MISSED Australia! It's easily done.
IN DUTCH ACCENT: I was having a smoke, went right past it! It's unbelievable.
Then they brought it over to this country.
Because it's not a car, not a bike, the bloke in a suit over here, he didn't know what to do.
So as a result, you don't need a helmet.
No, my wife drove it.
There you go.
I had one of these last weekend and I have to say, hand on heart, I've never had so much fun in a car.
And I don't think I'd tire of it.
You never tire of people coming around going, "Can I have a go?" The kids were like, "Let's have another ride in that car.
" When it leans, it really, really banks over.
And you have these warning lights.
Did you show those? Warning lights on the dashboard.
It goes through the green bit and into the red when it leans too much.
It said in my letter, "And this is good fun! " It gives you a target.
Two red lightsfour! The kids go, "How many lights have you got on? " "All of the red ones! " Oh! I loved it.
The great thing was I went to a party What, in this? Yeah.
And as, I admit, I may have had a sherry or two You didn't? Yeah, and decided I wouldn't drive back in this.
My wife said she'd drive, and that meant You were a passenger? Yeah.
You're joking.
No.
I don't believe you.
I tell you, I can get in the back of this.
Shall I do the seat? Yeah.
There is an art to getting in.
You are joking.
To do it in a crazy, sexy way.
Oh, you see, look.
I can't believe it! I'm getting in.
Do you see, this is This is a country where a gay marriage is legal.
He is my partner and also my lover.
Lift your foot.
Look at that! That's marvellous.
It worked.
Oh, mate, I'll never get that out of my mind - jammed between Jeremy's thighs in a Dutch three-wheeler! Now you may have read in the paper that Britain is one of the cheapest places in Europe to buy a new car, and that manufacturers want to increase prices by 3%.
In fact it's irrelevant because you'd have to be a donkey to pay the full list price for any car in Britain.
Speak your mind! The Saab 93 two-litre turbo - £1,900 off.
The Audi TT, the 225bhp version, £2,500 off.
This gets better.
BMW 320 diesel, £3,500 off.
Mercedes C-Class 200 auto, £5,500 off.
No! This is my favourite - the Maserati Now, Fiesta-size cars.
This is the biggest market in Britain now.
It's been growing for five years but it's still oversupplied.
Think of £1,000 off a Ford Fiesta or Ka.
£1,500 off a Vauxhall Corsa Active, £1,100 off a one-litre Lupo, over £2,000 off a Toyota Yaris, top spec, 1.
3 litre engine.
Lovely car.
From the front, this looks like a Vectra.
Under the bonnet it has the same choice of engines as the Vectra.
And under the body, the chassis is the same as you'll get in next year's Vectra estate.
It even feels like a Vectra to drive.
Apart from these silly indicators that have a mind of their own, it's a collection of elements from the periodic table.
This, however, is not a Vectra.
With its shapely but large J-Lo rear end, this is the future.
This is the new Vauxhall Signum.
The most obvious difference is this panel in the roof which contains storage bins.
Now, this one is very useful for storing sunglasses.
These two here, it's difficult to fathom what you might fit in them.
Nothing you normally keep in a car would fit.
Road maps, CDs, boxes of tissues and so on.
The only thing I can find which fits is a stick of celery which Look at that, perfect.
And that shows a level of thoughtfulness we've not seen from any other car maker.
In every other car I've driven, the celery rolls around, getting in the way of major controls.
No, really, who else provides storage for celery? Not even the new Rolls-Royce has that.
But the biggest change with this car is found in the back.
You get a lot more space than you do in a Vectra.
And these seats slide forwards and backwards and they recline and they fold flat.
But there are only two of them.
In the middle, in this base model which is £18,000, is a drinks tray or an arm rest, or nothing at all.
In the more expensive models which go up to £25,000, what you get here is a fridge and a DVD player.
So, this is a wonderful car for people in the back.
And that's great - apart from one small thing.
I've come to the M40 on a Tuesday morning at 10.
45.
And I'm going to give £1 to the Donkey Sanctuary in Devon for every car that drives past here in the next hour that has someone sitting in the back No.
No.
No.
No.
Discovery, seven seats, and one person in it.
No, no, no.
Vectra.
Still no.
Think of the donkeys! No.
Yes! Right, time's up.
Let's see how much we've raised for the donkeys.
£4.
Four cars, in an hour, with someone in the back.
So why has Vauxhall made a car for a market that doesn't exist? They say it does.
They say they did lots and lots of research and they found lots of people who wanted tons of space in the back of their car - but only two seats.
And all these people had one thing in common - they were all men.
But I understand that.
First thing I do when I move into a new house, forget the curtains and the carpets and the cooker - you get your TV, your stereo and your PlayStation up and running.
It's fine to have a fridge-cum-DVD player instead of a seat.
It's the obvious thing to do! Mumsy cars have lots of seats and are as sensible as big knickers.
But this has lots of gadgets so it's the world's first dadsy car.
The first car ever made which only works if you're sitting in the back.
Now there are problems with that.
Like, you won't get a chauffeur to drive what is basically a Vectra.
And if you can afford a chauffeur, you won't have a car like this.
However, the great thing about being a man is that I can improvise.
So, what I have here is a hoe and another hoe and a long, extending arm thing, and some string and some duct tape, and a clamp.
And I think this is going to work.
Right.
Attach the end to this prong of the steering wheel.
SOUND OF DUCT TAPE BEING PULLED Made in Germany so it's strong.
Where are my scissors gone? And then we need the hoe, this one, the one with the extending arm.
Good.
Think I've thought of everything.
No SOUND OF DUCT TAPE BEING PULLED That's very good.
This is a work of genius.
I've got this to operate the gears.
This one does the clutch.
This is for the throttle.
ENGINE ROARS And that does the brake as well.
This is the piece de resistance.
This is my steering.
Look at that! So, all I have to do now is test it.
And I shall give £1 to the Donkey Sanctuary for every mile I cover without crashing.
OK, here goes.
Handbrake off.
And, um clutch Clutch in.
Into first.
And, er Everyone out the way.
Here we go.
Oh, that's a problem.
If you want to go right you must pull left.
Little bit of throttle.
Away she goes Second.
Nice.
IT WORKS! IT WORKS! APPLAUSE Stop! No, this is wrong! Thank you, everybody, thank you.
No! Because it didn't work.
It did! It didn't work the first time.
It went a bit wrong You crashed.
I slightly went into a field.
And crashed.
And slightly broke the front.
The cameras weren't rolling for that first take but this is better because I have the insurance claim form.
"Where were you at the time of the accident? " In the back! And on that note, it's time to end the show.
Good night!