TripTank (2014) s02e09 Episode Script

1 12-year-old Lawyer [Music.]
His father was framed by the mob for a crime That he didn't commit and now he's doing hard time And they can't afford a lawyer 'cause they don't have a dime 12-year-old Lawyer He put himself through law school And studied the clues and he held his father's hand And said, "We're not gonna lose" And he stood before the jury and said Order! You have to be at least 18 years old to be a lawyer.
- No! - Daddy! 2x09 - Mr.
Winchester Goes to Washington And right around the corner, fudge is made.
Dang man, sounds like that neighborhood - is chock-full of good places to eat.
- Yeah, all the kids - are talking about it.
- Tell me more about this artisan lemonade stand.
Ah! There's a bird in the building! Kill it! Kill it! No way, man! You don't kill a bald eagle.
You salute 'em.
They're as American as karate chops and William Shatner.
Boys, no! This is a Congressional Carrier Eagle, he must have a message for Ah, yes.
It's an urgent communiqué from the United States government.
We've been summoned to appear in Washington D.
C.
before the House Subcommittee on Decency and Special-Class Short-format Late-Night Cable Animation.
You know what this means, don't you? Road trip! Oop, forgot my wallet! Ah-ah, doo-doo-doo Ah, man.
The car broke down.
That's okay, we'll fly the rest of the way.
Doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Order, this hearing will come to order.
Will you idiots stop singing that ridiculous Third Eye Blind sound-alike? Uh, sorry, you know, we were on a road trip Yes, yes, we're all aware of what that song means.
Now, if the three of you are finished playing grab-ass, we can get down to the business of shutting down Trip Tank.
Uh, excuse me.
Are you the beachside - yoga instructor? - What? Uh, yeah, I'm supposed to pay some guy $100 for a personal yoga session? Yeah, $100, yeah, that's right, that's me.
- Oh, great, so, um - $100 cash, right? Uh, yeah.
We're gonna ease you in with a little shoulder stretch.
There you go.
- Ah! That hurts! - Yes, yes, it hurts.
We store a lot of emotion in our hips.
This is beautiful.
Oh, look, that must be that yoga fad we've heard so much about.
It looks fun.
Stay away from this guy! He's a fraud! He st You shut your [bleep.]
mouth or I'll break your neck right here in front of all these fancy people.
And by the way, I can feel your semi.
Ah ah What? Whoa, nice! Flip this, bitch! Golly gee, it's a [bleep.]
Flip Off! - Yeah! - What? Bro, you got served, bitch! - Careful! - Cool! I feel so alive! Raaah!! Ow, ow! All right, you made the down payment, Anau.
- It's time to close the deal.
- No, I won't do it.
Congratulations.
You have been chosen to join an elite society of promotional street warriors.
- Let's [bleep.]
do this! - No, no, not you.
You fought like a little bitch.
He is the chosen one.
Take my sleeve, and we will rise to enter the Hall of Marketing Guardians.
Fine, blow away with Blowbie-Wan Can-Blow-Me! You two make a perfect pair.
He looks like a giant rubber and you're a dick! I'm going to heaven.
Bye, Carl, enjoy [bleep.]
hell, bitch! Arrrhh! Oh, shit, this isn't good.
Well, look who's back.
- Little Sir [bleep.]
-face.
- I hate you.
You fools! Prepare yourself for the coming wrath! An eternity of suffering! With high mortgage rates with 0 to no chance of fixed Ah, don't feel bad.
We'll get you a balloon.
Shut-up.
Shut the [bleep.]
up.
Prepare yourselves, space travelers, for the most awesome-tastic, fun-dorable adventure of a lifetime, with your pal Me! I'm Ricky the Rocketship! No! We're all gonna die! Not if I can help it! We're all saved! We're not dead! Everyone, come inside me! - Ew.
- Women and children first! Seriously, no women? Ricky has to go back to using Tinder.
- Yay! We're not dead! - Now to rescue those moms and dads.
Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap! Is it bad? So, it's bad, right? Uh, Ricky, where's Mommy? Yeah, so, uh, everyone's parents flew away.
And you'll never see them again.
The end.
But they're still alive! Definitely, definitely alive! Mommy! Okay, kids.
Let's go over our survival tips.
Hannah, what do we do it we see wild berries? We wait to see if other animals eat them first.
Great job! Now, what do we do when we see Mr.
Snake? We back away slowly and make our way to the group.
Super-duper, Joey! Gold star! Ashley, Freddy, remember that for next time.
Oh! Kids! Time to put those survival tips into practice.
What do we do when we see Mr.
Bear? Uh, kids? Kids? Wait! I could have flown them to safety the whole time.
Rescue Rocket ready! Oh! Never mind! [bleep.]
this shit.
I'll call you kids an Uber.
Representative Rothbard will now address the blatant and shameless sexism of your quote-unquote "television show.
" - The hell you say, sugar-tits.
- Don't worry, boys.
If this thing starts to go sideways, I have a little something up my sleeve.
In 864 episodes of Trip Tank, I could not find one instance of a female character serving any other purpose than the sexual gratification of a man, an animal, or a man dressed up as if he were an animal.
I'd like to consult with my counsel, please.
What I like to do is I like to drive a lady to the park, and when we get there, I pretend that we've run out of gas, but there's plenty of gas in the tank.
Now, she thinks we're stuck and there's nothing left to do, but the deed.
Once the deed is done, I reveal that we did have gas after all.
My lawyer has advised me not to comment on this matter.
Drums! Drums! Ah! Drums! Drums! The frog says, "Hi.
" To prove that the rampant and glorified drug use in your show is harmful to the youth of America, Congressman Deleuze has spent the last 20 minutes ingesting every drug mentioned on Trip Tank.
That reminds me, guys, if Ashley's parents call, you don't know what happened to her.
Yeah, but we don't know what happened to her.
Ooh, that's good.
Say it just like that when they call.
You can't keep doing this to yourself, Matt.
That basketball game was 17 years ago.
Everyone in this town has moved on! And so should you.
Lauranna! Lauranna! Lauranna! Oh, there you are! My locket! Oh, Tripper! You found it.
Look, Stedmund.
Tripper found my locket.
Good job, Rabbit.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! My mother gave me this locket before she was eaten by that nasty old grizzly bear.
- You are a true friend.
- Anything for you, m'lady.
- I can't wait to show Prince Peter - Actually, Lauranna, there was something I wanted to ask you.
- Oh, Tripper, anything! - How long have we been friends now? Eight years, I believe.
Eight years, three months, two days.
And Lauranna, you know I'd do anything for you, right? - Yes, and I you.
- And you know that I love you, right? - Yes, and I you.
- Let's quit playing games.
That prince ain't right for you.
I love you and I'm willing to risk our friendship to explore this connection.
We owe it to ourselves to at least try.
We belong together! Oh, Tripper, that's so sweet, but I'm sorry, - I'm in love with Prince Peter! - Really, Prince Peter? After all I've done for you? God, Pecker was right, you're a [bleep.]
tease! What? Oh, Pecker? - Yeah? - Did you call me a "tease"? Yeah, 'cause you are one.
All the birds feel the same way.
You cuddle up to us, sing us those sexy little songs, let us see you naked.
They don't mean nothing.
You wouldn't date none of us.
You're just using us to make you free dresses.
This is ludicrous! Tripper, you can't feel like this.
Some dickhead prince breaks your heart.
It's like, "Oh, Tripper! Make me feel better!" Or if you're having a bad day, it's, "Oh, Tripper! Let me pet your belly!" When's the last time you asked me about my day or let me pet your belly, Lauranna? It's bullshit! I get all the boyfriend duties and none of the pussy! I can't believe this.
Critters! Critters of the forest! - We need to talk.
- Yeah, come on, critters.
Her Highness beckons.
By show of hand or paw or hoof, how many of you think I'm a tease? - What?! - Ha! I rest my case! - She's totally a tease.
- Ah, yeah, for sure a tease.
- And honestly, you can be a little cold.
- Of course I'm cold to you! - You ate my mother! - Fair enough.
I cannot even Excuse me for not lifting my skirt for every squirrel that offers to crack a nut for me! You guys buddied up to me! You follow me around! If you only do nice things for me because you're trying to get some and it doesn't work out, that doesn't make me a prude.
That makes you all presumptuous douche bags! I thought we were friends! Turns out you're just a bunch of self-centered perverts who are gonna get all butt-hurt when a girl who's out of your league doesn't let you sniff her asshole for helping her out of a jam.
[bleep.]
you! I mean, Jesus, did you ever think that maybe I'm just not into sex with animals? Come on, girl.
We both know that's a lie.
Oh, my God! My esteemed colleague from the great state of East Carolina will now address the subcommittee.
Remember guys, if we get in trouble, I have a secret weapon.
Now, I've heard about some of the excrement featured on Trip Tank, and I find it despicable.
- Just absolutely horrible.
- Is there that much? 'Cause I don't recall, uh Some of it hard and strong with a deep, dark, rich, brown color and others just a liquid and runny with the yellow-green tone, just spilling out onto the carpet.
- Just nasty, nasty stuff.
- Is there a question or ? Now, we've all heard of an upper-decker but what I like to do is leave the toilet lid down completely and sit with my bare butt cheeks right flat down on top and when I defecate, the force of the expulsion just slip-slides me all around.
And I end up gliding right off the front and landing onto the floor in a big ol' pile of my own mess.
I call it an East Carolina Mudslide, and it is disgusting.
- Your show is just disgusting.
- I don't know what's going on here.
Me neither man, but I'd vote for him in a heartbeat.
Steady now, boys.
We find ourselves in dangerous waters.
Captain, we're picking up something on the sonar! Something big.
Sacre bleu! Get us out of here! Oh, shit.
I think that was a bald eagle.
I now present Congressman Adorno from North Dakota's 75th district.
Thank you, Madam Horkheimer.
Now, Trip Tank, I have a few questions about the violence on your show.
- Hell yeah, man.
Shoot.
- Now, the violence, is it being perpetrated by Americans? - Yeah, mostly.
- Oh, good.
Good, good, good.
Now, are any of the victims of this violence American? - Yeah, I guess some of them are.
- Hmm.
I don't like that.
Say, instead of these victims being American, could they be from somewhere else? Like, um, randomly, for example, um Oh, here we go, Canada? - I guess so.
- Hell yeah! Ah, wonderful.
And the victims don't necessarily need to be from Canada.
They could be from French Canada or or or British Columbia.
Or maybe this guy we're beating up with a shovel, maybe he's a Mountie? What country now are Mounties from? - I think still Canada.
- Oh, are they? Oh, good.
Good, well, that works perfectly then.
I like this guy too, man! This is fun! Hey-hey! It's the grass man! - Little early to be mowing the lawn, huh? - Son of a bitch.
I'm taking the Carroll clan off to ride the new Anaconda coaster at Adventure Town USA! Hey, you and yours should pack up the ol' Wilson wagon - and follow us there! - Maybe, uh, maybe next summer.
Suit yourself! It's always next summer.
That does it.
Hey, kids! Come on! - Are we going to Adventure Town US - No! We're going to Dad World! Thank you for choosing Dad World.
Be sure to buckle your safety belt, because this is the most extreme and affordable amusement park ever! - Whoo! - Yay! I hear that Anaconda can only go 80 miles per hour.
How do you feel about a 120? Yeah! Who needs landscapers and a big mansion? Who needs a wife who doesn't abandon me? Damn it, Cheryl.
Cheryl, I miss you.
You bitch! - Where to next, gang? - The Old Mines! - Coal miners! - A-A-Aweso-o-o-ome! - Where to next? - The Haunted Manor! Come on, kids! Look! Old people.
Oh! - You never visit anymore, Anthony! - Wave bye to grandma! Get out of here, you old bat.
Meemaw loves you! - Where to next? - Safari Kingdom! Whoa! Look at that elephant.
- Where to next? - The Enchanted Forest! Hey, get out of the way! All right, time to reach under your seats.
The van's leaking! It sure is! - All right, yeah! - Yay! - Dad, I'm starving! - Then let's hit my favorite attraction! - Mmm! This is amazing! - It sure is.
It sure is.
I'm a [bleep.]
awesome dad.
- Uh, Dad? - Hey, kids, who's ready for Wild West World? I got paid in maple syrup.
Are you asleep? Good.
It's time to dream.
Bing, bong, bing It's your wedding day.
The preacher has just pronounced you man and wife.
You pull back the veil to go in for your first official kiss as him and her, and instead of a face it's an anus But not just any anus that's your granddaddy's old stanky anus.
The same anus you accidentally walked into when you were eight years old and he was in the shower, bending over scrubbing his feet.
Nothing but a mouthful of granddaddy an Oh, oop! Gotta go! Just know this.
You actually end up very happy with your Granddad anus, and you have several little anus children.
Trip Tank! We have heard all of the damning evidence against you, and I cannot wait to shut your television show down.
Boys? It's magic time.
I think and you, and you, and you.
On second thought, Trip Tank, your show is great.
The United States Congress would like to go on record stating that Trip Tank is culturally, historically, and aesthetically significant.
By law, all U.
S.
citizens must now love Trip Tank.
This hearing is adjourned.
- Uh, excuse me - I said we're adjourned! What just happened? You put a voodoo spell on them or something? Let me give you a little piece of advice I wish someone had told me when I was your age.
Always bring a camera phone to a congressional orgy.
- Always.
- I love this guy.
I love him so much.
Let's go, boys! You know what time it is? Road trip! Imagine, if you will, me on my back, arms Akimbo, with a plate of tempered glass just inches from my face, and a big ol' steaming pile of human waste just falls right down on top of that glass