Ugly Americans (2010) s02e09 Episode Script

[people murmuring.]
They say no matter how fast you run, sooner or later, your past catches up with you.
Comin' through! [roars.]
Oh! Whoa! And I'm back.
There you are.
[growls.]
[gunfire.]
I've got you now, you filthy monster.
[laughs.]
Huh? Spare some change? Damn it! That beast has slipped through my grasp for the last five years.
And you are under arrest for vagrancy.
Nothing personal.
I just need to take out my frustration on somebody.
Can I at least ride inside the car? Not a chance.
You smell like a kennel, sweetheart.
Hey, you want to get lunch after my class? Sure.
Where do you want to eat at? Where do you want to eat at? You don't end a sentence with a preposition.
Again with the grammar.
Why does it matter so much to you? I just think it's something you might want to look at.
I would be happy to work with you if you want.
Oh, thanks.
Me consider that.
And it's polite to use the door.
[smacking.]
Uh, teacher, can dirty lady with breath of cat food sit in hallway? Hey, all my students are entitled to the same amount of respect.
But she's pooping on Rick.
An honest mistake.
She can sit next to me.
Hey, class, it's so easy just to dismiss the homeless without giving them a second look.
Mark, it's me, Jaclyn.
We dated junior and senior year in college.
Jaclyn? Jaclyn Anderson? Ha! You had a thing for hobos! She wasn't homeless in college.
She was a Fulbright scholar, president of the student government.
She was perfect.
Well, you didn't think so back then.
He dumped me because I had a severe allergy to his favorite food-- Eggs.
Ugh.
You're remembering this all wrong, but to be fair, who is allergic to eggs? I maintain it was a psychological block.
I was so depressed over losing Mark that I lost my scholarship and I dropped out, and then my parents disowned me, and I ended up living on the streets by the garbage.
Teacher is cold-blooded snake.
Well, looks like we're out of time for today.
Class dismissed.
We still have 42 minutes.
So glad I gave you that wristwatch for your birthday.
Could someone drop me at the ventilation duct behind whole foods? The janitor's really nice.
He puts out a bowl of water for me.
Eh, well, you can crash with me until you get back on your feet.
He's got a hobo fetish, Jaclyn! He lays one hand on you, call me.
Callie, you're not gonna believe who was in my class Um Oh, hey, can you give me a hand? Why are you and this man putting clothes on now? Uh, how rude of me.
Mark, this is What's your name? Whoa, I thought we agreed no names.
Of course.
What? - Oh! - Have a great life.
You had sex with that guy? Uh, yeah, Mark.
I mean, I am a demon.
I got to have it.
And by it, I mean constant sex with multiple anonymous partners.
That's why we're in an open relationship.
Randall told you to say this, right? Is he filming us from behind this painting? Mm.
You're telling me you don't have any friends on the side? Good one.
Um, no.
I don't.
I'm in a committed relationship.
This isn't normal.
[knocking.]
Hey, do you guys validate? No! Callie, I got to say, this really hurts me.
I'm not comfortable sharing you with half of New York.
Hi, we met at the dog races yesterday.
You said to come by and I'm a demon, Mark.
You're going to have to either get used to me doing this, or man up and go make some friends of your own.
If you're up for it, that is.
Ugh.
I buy for good friend.
[cell phone beeping.]
[cell phone beeping.]
Great Scott! Tally ho, Commodore's bride! There's trouble afoot! [barking.]
[murmuring and gasping.]
You really think I have something to live for? No! [gunshot.]
Ooh! [screams.]
Don't forget to tuck and roll! [thump.]
What's your emergency, Mark? Your fellow men await, ready to help.
I caught Callie with another man.
Is no! [glass shatters.]
[high-pitched growling.]
Nobody betrays a man club brother.
Who's the scumbag? Scumbags.
Callie claims we have an open relationship, and get this: She wants me to have sex with other women.
Dude, what the fuck's wrong with you? Callie just gave you the greatest gift ever.
You are aware this is the man club.
So you guys are saying I should just toss out a full year of a committed relationship and sleep with a bunch of random loose women? Two points.
One-- You'll need to slut it up fast if you want to maintain any power in your relationship.
Two-- What's Callie's number? Does she like ethnic guys? Nobody is getting Callie's number.
Well, that's it.
I move we adjourn this meeting of the man's club with the ceremonial smoking of cigars.
Pledge! Cigars, now! Uh.
Yes.
- Leonard? - At your service, master Mark.
Who the hell told you to stand? Drop and give me [lapping.]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Page 74, Lilly's rules of order.
The man club repudiates any form of hazing.
[retching.]
And Leonard just barfed.
It's my fault.
I'll eat it.
The rules-- Of course! What were we thinking? Well, we'll knock this off forthwith.
All in favor of excluding Lilly from Hell Week, say "Aye.
" ALL: Aye.
Hello? Jaclyn? Are you here? I didn't know what you wanted for dinner, so I just brought friskies.
Hmm? Oy.
Ooh.
I hope you don't mind I borrowed your shirt.
You look so human.
I bet you say that to all the girls.
Yeah, and something smells delicious.
Egg dogs-- Your favorite.
Wait.
This egg dog has eggs in it.
I'm not allergic to eggs anymore.
[knocking.]
Wha? Oh, well, you get that, and I'll get the Uno cards.
You still play, right? God, do I! Do you remember when I laid down a yellow four? You reversed it, but then I had-- Callie! Hey! I feel bad about how we left things today.
Figured I'd spend some quality time with my number one friend.
Um, that's great, but could I get a rain check? My gout is acting up.
Anyway, I better get this leg elevated.
Wait, that smells like candles and egg dogs.
Is someone in there? You ready to get schooled? I've been practicing.
Eh, that's big talk from a girl who's about to get hit with a wild draw four card.
Ba-b-bam! He actually found someone? [choking.]
Did you hear that? All I hear is the sound of me saying Uno! Oh, so we're gonna play real Uno now? Okay, well, then let's play Uno.
I caught him playing Uno with a woman.
For Mark, Uno is like third base.
Nobody betrays a girls club sister.
Who's the slut? What did you expect would happen when you gave him a free pass? I never thought he'd use it.
He doesn't believe in free passes, coupons, or gift certificates.
It's right here in chapter 27 of Lilly's rules to live by.
Ladies, don't forget to fill up on Bobby Flay's fig and cheese crostinis while they're still hot.
Here's a thought.
I kill this bitch so Mark can go back to being under my thumb where he belongs.
I could get banned from the man club just for whispering this, but Mark cares about you.
You two should have an open an honest discussion.
You're absolutely right, Twayne.
I need to make Mark more jealous.
[cell phone beeping.]
Hello.
[Croatian accent.]
Hello, casual sex woman.
You want make baby? Stop calling me.
Callie, thanks for inviting us out tonight with your uh, friends.
Hey, man.
We're your amigos too.
I'm Matthew McConaughey.
I love people so much, I had to clone myself.
It's all good.
Aren't they gorgeous? We met on Facebook.
What's Facebook? What rock did you pull this one out from under? Well, I've lived in a dumpster for the last four years, so [laughs.]
A bag lady? Oh, Mark.
It's kind of adorable watching her catch up to the modern world.
Today she Googled Google.
So how did you two connect? Must have been like fireworks goin' off.
Boom! Waiter! Double scotch.
Actually, Mark and I dated for 3 and a half semesters in college.
You two dated? Where's my scotch? [romantic saxophone solo.]
Oh, my God.
It can't be.
He's playing our song.
Who is this? Buble? Connick Jr.
? No, it's literally our song.
We wrote it together.
Kind of a big deal on college radio.
We used it to win the ballroom dance challenge.
I'm not sure I remember the steps, but, uh Let's do this.
Oh! I'm going to seriously lose my mind.
Uh-oh.
Watch out for this split infinitives.
We can help you with that grammar of yours.
[groans.]
I should have brought Ryan Gosling and his clone.
Pledge, to prove yourself worthy of joining our ranks, you must either absorb our essence by eating a ball of our combined pubes or prove that you're already great by catching Brother Doug, who's been shaved and covered with lube.
Hm.
I pick the lube bear.
[growls.]
Ah-ah-ah.
Naked.
[grunts.]
Let it be done! [gong reverberates.]
Yeah! Yeah! Oh, catch that little bastard! Oh! Fine, I'll eat the pubic hair.
But can I at least have some ketchup? No condiments.
Deal with it.
[gong reverberates.]
I had a really fun night, Mark.
Me too.
It makes me wonder why we ever broke up in the first place.
I was kind of a jerk about the egg thing, huh? Don't say that.
You saw something wrong with me, and encouraged me to fix it.
[romantic saxophone solo.]
Whoa.
Wow.
Where did the evening go? It's almost 9:00.
Oh, your bedtime.
Yeah, bedtime.
The time for bed stuff.
[click.]
That woman fixed herself for you, Mark Lilly, and you are in an open relationship.
What are you gonna do about it? Yeah.
Now that I've made myself worthy of you, fate has brought us together.
Holy macaroni.
Listen, Jaclyn, over the past few days, you've unearthed some very powerful feelings that I can't deny anymore.
But I will deny them, because I need to free myself up if there's any hope of a future for us.
What does that mean, "free yourself up?" Here's the thing.
I currently have a girlfriend.
Girlfriend? Yeah, Callie.
You met her at dinner.
You mean the meat in the McConaughey sandwich? That slut? That's a little harsh, isn't it? I slept in the sewers, dreaming about the life we could have had together, - and you end up with her? - You're not hearing me.
I just need to tie up some loose ends, and [growls.]
Not gonna lie.
This might impact my decision.
[yelps.]
Tell me you got that, pledge.
Yeah, in HD, master Randall.
All these years, it never occurred to me that that thing could be a chick, and I've always considered myself a pretty progressive guy.
Mark? Wherefore art thou, Mark? I am learning the Queen's English for you, my love.
Huh? You're late to the party, Callie.
Mark's been abducted by a she-beast.
Mark! Now I'll never be able to tell him how I feel in proper syntax.
Not so fast.
We've got another clue.
First rule of police work: turds do not lie.
Mm.
I'm tasting pinkberry.
Charleston Chew.
Definitely Charleston Chew.
Preposterous! Pinkberry doesn't offer Charleston Chew in their toppings buffet.
Everyone knows that.
The Pinkberrys in Chelsea and the upper east side have Charleston Chew.
Only two in the city.
I may be a demon, but I'm also a girl.
I'll stake out uptown, you take downtown.
Call me if you see anything, you know, besides thin women waiting in line.
[romantic saxophone music.]
[joyous grunting.]
[muffled protesting.]
[sputters.]
That really stretched out my jaw, Jaclyn.
My pleasure! Pajama jeans have made my condition more manageable.
How the hell did this happen to you? Why, you did this to me, my love.
I don't know about this, Mark.
I'm scared.
Jaclyn, I want you to picture us and 6 days from now.
We're living on our houseboat with our children, Ethan and Desiree.
They're beautiful.
But they're upset.
"Mommy, why can't you have the most important meal of the day with us?" And you say, "Because I'm afraid of the eggs your father makes," and after seeing their parents pitted against each other like this, they turn elsewhere for a role model: the street, where they learn about cocaine and anal sex.
It's guaranteed.
Oh, please stop.
Stop.
I'll do it.
I'll conquer my allergy.
That's my girl.
[chokes.]
Throat's-- My throat's closing up.
No.
No, no, no.
Don't you dare blame the eggs for this.
Relationship anxiety is what's closing your throat.
Now, do you want to fight for Mark and Jackie, or do you want to go to the hospital? [choking.]
Hospital.
[whispering.]
Ho-hospital.
[siren warbles.]
We got to get her into surgery right away.
Call me next weekend? I'll try, but I just think I feel my gout flaring up.
Determined to win you back, I switched majors to eggology.
I risked my life to discover a cure just so we could be together again.
But my success had a cost.
That potion turned me into her, the egg-tolerant monster you'd never love.
I was a danger to everyone above ground, so I moved to the subway tunnel only venturing out to nurse my wounded heart with T.
C.
B.
Y, but that was before Pinkberry, which changed every girl's life.
Just 100 calories, and the best part? It's all natural.
Yeah, if you consider propylene glycol, tocopherol, and calcium fumarate "natural.
" The Times blew the lid off of Pinkberry.
- I'll send you the article.
- That's not true.
Pinkberry wouldn't lie to me! Hey, I'm sorry.
I can't tell you how sorry I am.
I should never have tried to change you or discredit Pinkberry.
Oh, my sweet, sweet Mark.
I've waited so many years to hear those words.
Quick, undo my chains before I say something to activate that stupid monster again.
That monster is like a sister to me.
She's the only one who understands the pain you've put me through.
You don't have to live like this.
We can fix you.
You want to fix me again? I'll never be good enough for you! [snarls.]
Help! Help me! Yell all you want, big boy.
Nobody can hear you down here.
Besides, you might want to save your screaming for later.
Oh, dear cricket.
But first, Pinkberry.
And I'll have you, my sweet, for dessert! Good Lord.
She's mad.
She doesn't even consider Pinkberry dessert.
So I hear your vag is open for business.
Shut up.
[grunting.]
We better hurry.
That line's moving pretty fast.
- Hey, shouldn't we call Grimes? - No way.
Mark's my man, and I'm gonna be the one who saves him.
And if Mark dies, someone's gonna need a shoulder to have sex on.
[panting.]
Jaclyn, please, listen to reason.
I don't want Ethan and Desiree to grow up down here.
Come on, Callie, what's the big deal? Mark doesn't even have to know.
- Randall? - Mark! Thank hell you're alive.
I am so sorry that I drove you into her arms with my poor grammar and promiscuity.
Callie, I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not, but let's deal with this later.
We have to get out of here.
No one's leaving this evil lair alive, especially not you, tramp.
Go all demon on her, baby.
Uh-uh.
Being demon's what caused me to start this whole open relationship thing in the first place.
I'm fighting for you just like this.
Oh, that's really sweet and colossally stupid.
[grunting.]
[yipping.]
Jaclyn, stop! Just leave Callie alone! Get away from her, you bitch! What the hell are you wearing? It's a monster fighting suit.
I designed it myself.
Why did you make it so small? The low center of gravity gives me the upper hand.
God.
I knew this day would finally come, Grimes.
Now eat my toe cheese! [grunts.]
[yells.]
[growls.]
[roars.]
[smacking.]
I told you about my center of gravity.
Can't be beat.
I studied eggology, not physics.
I'm not a dork.
For five years, I chased you across this island, tasted your sweet, sweet dung.
I can't believe it's all over.
Nobody's ever cared enough about me to taste my dung.
My life would be empty without you to chase.
Five-minute head start? You're on! Callie.
Are you proud of me, Mark? You see, I can change.
Callie, I am so sorry.
I've hurt every girl I've dated by trying to fix them, but I fell for you just the way you are.
You don't need fixing.
You're perfect.
So you're cool with me fucking whoever I want? Is that really what I'm saying? It sure is.
The word commitment doesn't have to be a scary thing.
I don't know how you survived your hell weeks.
None of us had to do that, dude.
It's against the rules.
Sometimes commitment is simply an exchange of promises.
[laughs.]
Marco! [laughs.]
Polo! But for me, commitment is something I take when I can get it.
Uno! Mm.
Hold that thought.
Huh? - Is Callie home? - Is here for Callie.
Who wants a fish stick? Uh, not interested.
Just because I got to have it doesn't mean I don't have standards.
Mm-magic!