Undateable (2014) s02e09 Episode Script

Thanks for washing my hair this morning, shower buddy.
Ooh.
My pleasure.
Maybe next time I'll get in the shower with you.
Well, if you don't, I will.
And I know what to do with a naked black woman.
Respectfully.
Man, I got to hear these two hooking up every night.
It's mostly Justin just saying, "I'll do better next time.
" Just relax.
Also, I meant what I said I'll do better next time.
Let's go.
I forgot how much I hate "relationship Justin.
" I don't like seeing Justin with another woman, either.
Go ahead tell them.
Um I have a huge crush on Justin.
All right, look somebody needs to help Candace right now.
She doesn't know what "huge" and "crush" or "Justin" means.
Oh.
My neck is killing me right now.
Do you know what it might be? This arrow that cupid shot into me.
It's really cool that you and Lauren are clicking.
I mean, she's everything you're not She's confident, sexy, she has a chin.
Danny, it's okay.
You'll find someone someday.
Lauren and I haven't even been together two weeks, all right? But it's exciting.
She's fun, she's creative But I understand that it pisses you off when I'm happy.
So, for you, I'll try to tone it Ow, cupid! What is wrong with you? You're crazy.
Could you throw this arrow away for me, Candace? Thank you.
He's the sexiest guy I've ever seen.
Hey, Candace, can I borrow that arrow there for a second? Yeah.
Thank you.
Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh Honey, you forgot your phone.
Thanks, dad.
All right.
See you later.
Bye.
Whoa.
Was that papa bear? Was that the notorious D-A-D? Oh, are we doing rapper dad names? Snoop daddy dad.
Will.
i.
am your father.
I'm sorry, this happens.
I mean, one day, we did hip-hop candy bars.
It went on for days.
Luda-twix.
don't.
Listen, why didn't you introduce me to your father? It's not you.
Okay? My dad's a judge, so he's kind of intimidating.
Your dad's a judge, huh? Well, permission to approach the bench.
I want him at dinner tonight, 7:00 P.
M.
, my place.
Tonight? Mm.
- Fine.
Dinner tonight.
I'll go tell him.
- All right.
Dude, you're so annoying.
You've been dating her for two weeks.
Why do you just got to move so fast? In college, we called him "Lord of the Rings," because he gave a promise ring to any hideous, hairy-footed hobbit that said yes to dinner.
Whatever, all right? Lauren's dad's gonna love me.
Interesting fact every girl I've ever dated's father still stays in touch with me.
Uh, hey, yeah, Guinness Book of World Records? Uh, yeah, I have the most boring fact of all time for you.
Yeah, it's the same guy.
You want to talk smack, Danny? Let me tell you something.
I might not always know how to please a woman, but I do know how to please a father.
That makes two of us.
Let me ask you this question Has any girlfriend's father ever liked you? In high school, Stacey Cooper's dad loved me.
Took me on a family trip to Mexico.
And then left you there.
Okay.
Silver lining It really helped me ace senior-year Spanish, or should I say señor year Spanish.
Listen to me.
I got all the tools to make a dad love me.
It's like, what do I have in here? What's that? Oh! That's a firm handshake.
"Nice to meet you, sir.
" "Oh, nice grip you got there, son.
Feel free to bang my daughter.
" Hey, Candace, I need you.
I need you, too.
What? Oh! No, no, no.
I-i-i mean, I need you to tell me what you want.
Or or don't.
You don't need to tell me what you want.
You know those old couples that can just sit there in silence and not say anything? Anyway Yeah, I just Wanted you to bring this beer to Shelly, if you could.
You keep it real, Shaquille.
Was it just me or was that incredibly embarrassing? Oh Yes.
Look, I think you and Justin are perfect for each other.
You're both so sweet and adorably naive.
Yeah, it's true.
They both gave me 20 bucks to sponsor me for that iron man triathlon for charity.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
How did that go? I won.
Yeah, well, he's dating Lauren, so It's not serious yet.
Justin does move fast.
Candace, life is full of windows.
If you really care about someone, you have to let them know how you feel before it's too late.
I love you.
Guys, you saw me with Justin I'm horrible at letting a guy know I'm interested.
Just throw him some vibe.
Pay him a compliment in a sexy voice.
I don't know how to do that.
Just talk Low and slow.
You guys know, like, a good flower for dinner? I love your pants.
T-minus two hours until dinner with Lauren's dad, which means t-minus 2 hours and 20 minutes until he starts calling me "son.
" Followed by "of a bitch.
" Look, this is really complicated, man.
I know you think you're the dad whisperer here, okay, but, uh, I don't know, man.
I don't think you're ready for this culture clash.
- You're gonna crash and burn.
- Why? Because I'm white? Can't we live in a world without color? Yeah, I don't think you're gonna solve racism before dinner.
Danny's right.
Culture clash is real.
My boyfriend, Mike, is Latino, and the first thing his mom said to me is that my hips were too narrow to have his babies.
- What'd you say? - Gracias.
The first white girl I ever dated, told me a whole bunch of crazy white-girl stuff.
Like yoga, recycling That's about it.
Yeah, you know, when there's a cultural clash, you just got to roll with it, whether it's language, food, - sense of humor - Oh, yeah.
Humor's a big one.
I dated an Asian girl once and she laughed like she had a secret, like Oh, uh, and then I dated a black girl, and her dad laughed crazy, man.
Black dudes are the best laughers, 'cause they don't just laugh; They relocate.
You know, you'll tell a joke, and then they'll be like, "ohhhhhhhhh!" Uh, I actually made her dad laugh so hard that, one time, he drove to Las Vegas.
I think it's cute that you want to help me, but I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told the girl I lost my virginity to I really think I know how this works.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna go bake my famous muffins.
Still have to pick up some of the secret ingredients that make them oh, so sweet.
So I'm gonna go grab Lauren, and then I'm gonna get myself a little brown sugar.
I'll worry about her dad later.
Oh.
Hello, sir.
My daughter left her phone.
Here here you go.
Um, it's so nice to finally meet you.
I-i I'm looking forward to tonight.
Maybe you should learn a little respect.
Sure thing.
What was that about? Let's play a game where you review what you just said to him, and I'll watch your reaction.
Famous muffins.
Uh Get me a little brown sugar.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God, no.
Moment of truth.
Wish me luck at dinner, guys.
Oh.
What are you doing? Oh, I'm just working on a song for a guy I like.
Oh.
Can I hear it? Okay.
Um I'm right here you don't see telling you is up to me I hope I tell you just-in Time It's catchy.
Well, who's it for? I mean, do we know this guy? What's he like? He's a giant idiot.
Um, he owns a bar and is very sexually inexperienced.
What's the song called? Well, right now, the song is called "I'd like you even if my dad didn't because I would never care what he thought because you're so awesome.
" It's wordy.
But I like it.
Baby, let you know just-in Time My dad'll be here soon, so I should get this out of my system.
Aww.
Now, you both are probably wondering what the theme of tonight's dinner party is.
Is it "sentences I've never heard a male say"? No.
It's "togetherness.
" For example, I'm making some marble-cake muffins for dessert.
They're equal parts vanilla and chocolate, like us.
You made biracial muffins? Hi, boys! Shelly, what are you doing here? Danny invited me.
He said there'd be dinner.
Plus, her dad's a judge, and I'm not gonna miss the chance to see the justice system screw over a white guy.
What the hell are you doing? You know how this is gonna look? What are you talking about? Well, Justin, you invited your one black friend over to show me that you're "down with the homies.
" Oh.
Now I see it.
Dad, Shelly's only here because of Danny.
Really, Phil.
Uh, I'm the one who invited Shelly, okay? Justin doesn't even like black people in the house.
Danny! He's kidding.
Just calm down, son.
Sir, Justin is one of my best friends, and I can assure you, he is as kind as he is white.
No one's that kind, but I'll take your word for it.
And, sir, I promise you I'll never put the words "brown" and "sugar" together again.
Yeah, he'll probably just say "sugar of color.
" Did you guys see that? He just relocated.
I did what, now? N-nothing.
It's just, I heard that, you know, when When black people laugh, they relocate.
Who would say that? That's insane.
You know what? I'm I'm fine with that, though.
You can I mean, you can relocate wherever you want.
I'm for it.
Not that I'm for relocation of okay.
What I mean is, you can live wherever you want.
You can be whoever you In any neighborhood you live your life, you do as you please.
I'm not saying listen, you could live here.
I don't care.
Come on in, you know? You can live here not that you would.
You're a judge.
You probably make a lot of money.
I mean, I hope you do.
I mean, I preach Not that I preach.
Not that there's anything wrong with You know what? Who wants a drink? You seem like a scotch man.
I've been sober for 25 years.
Outstanding.
One day at a time.
How did you two end up together, anyway? He swept me off my feet.
Uh, you know, it was actually partly Shelly's fault.
About a week ago, he hooked up with a pretty white girl.
Racial karma.
I take one of theirs, and they take one of ours in return.
Hey, guess who found a ginger ale.
Thanks, Justin.
I love ginger ale.
Awesome.
Okay.
Uh, sir, let me just say, I know I've only been dating your daughter for a couple of weeks, but I already know how special she is, and I'm gonna do everything I can to treat her right.
Ah, this is getting boring.
I'm-a take off.
I was actually thinking, you know, this morning, when she woke up here, I looked her in the eyes and said, "how can I make your dreams come true today?" Mm-hmm.
Yeah, why would she wake up here? Well, maybe I'll stick around.
Dad, i-i-i just came over for breakfast.
Breakfast.
She did.
That's exactly what she did.
She came over for breakfast, and then she got tired.
She took a nap.
Yeah.
So it was one of those breakfast naps.
Yes.
Breakfast nap.
Yeah.
Breakfast nap.
Yeah, he he knows that that's not a thing.
You like naps, Justin? You and my daughter are done.
Oh, your biracial muffins are ready.
Guys, Justin's not picking up on any of my hints.
Yeah, subtle hints has never been Justin's thing.
That's why it was so easy for me to stay in the closet in college.
You know, one time, he walked in on me in a compromising position with the captain of the swim team.
And I panicked, so I said, "oh, the guy's giving me a testicular-cancer check.
" And then Justin was so freaked out, he had him check him next.
All right, the time for hints is over.
Okay, you have to tell Justin how you feel.
Well, I did finish the song I was working on.
I could play that for him.
- Do you guys want to hear it? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Some dumb girl song is not gonna pull on his heartstrings.
I'm right here You don't see Telling you is up to me Soundin' crazy What I feel But I know what it's like to be, fallin' into something When it feels like lovin' I know I got to tell you, Justin Oh, Justin I'm yours Well? That could work.
I don't that's good.
Hey, buddy, how are you? What can I do to help? I don't know.
You have a time machine so I can go back and not invite Lauren's dad to dinner? That's what you'd do with a time machine? If I had one, I'd go back and write "juicy" on a pair of old sweat pants, and I'd be rich.
If anybody needs me, I'll be in my office, doing what I usually do when I'm sad Hitting up Old Navy online and making some bad decisions.
Wow.
He's so crushed.
On the other hand, song time.
Hey.
Is Justin around? I just came to say goodbye.
Bye.
You know what? Another thing you should know is I have a very specific face blindness when it comes to ex-girlfriends of my buddies, so I'll be forgetting who you are in three, two, one.
Hey, how are you? You come here often? I know you guys are just sticking up for Justin, but my dad raised me himself.
I don't really have a choice.
No, you do, actually.
Lauren, who cares what your dad thinks? A friend of mine told me, when it comes to love, you have your windows in life, and you got to take advantage of them while they're there.
I'm telling you this because I care about Justin a lot.
So this is your window.
You just got to decide if he's worth it.
Look, does anybody want cargo shorts? They're on sale, two for one.
Lauren, why why are you here? Make the call.
Hey, Guinness Book of World Records? Yeah, I've got the saddest girl ever.
Yeah.
Same guy.
This is hard to watch.
And I sat through "50 Shades of Grey" with my mom.
I'm sorry.
I know it's hard to watch the person you like kiss someone else.
Yeah, it sucks.
But I did teach Mo a new trick.
Mo, go stop kiss.
Go stop kiss! Oh! Mo! Mo, oh.
Get this dog off, please.
- Please! Humping, humping.
- Mo! Oh, bad dog.
Bad dog, Mo.
Here's a treat.
You can give me a treat, and I'll happily bite Justin every time he kisses a black girl.
Can we just promise not to be nice to her? I got your back.
See you guys when I get back from Oregon.
Hey, Les, they make great wine.
Do you want me to bring you a case of Pinot? Yes! You're a lovely person.
Thanks.
Well, since I live here and work here, I get to see Justin all over her 24/7 So fun.
You know what I was just thinking about? When you combine "Lauren" and "Justin," you get "Lustin'.
" Well, do you know what we were just thinking about? When you combine "Candace" and "Justin," you get "jundace.
" [Jaundice.]
Thank God we're not together, because that is a deadly liver condition.
Okay, you guys, the craziest thing just happened.
I was just minding my own business, doing my morning ritual, air-drying my hair by shaking my head like this.
Okay? You know how I do it, all right? Then I heard gunshots.
You want to know what I did? Well, since you're a white man, I assume you walked towards them? Confident that you'd be protected by your whiteness.
Then I see this bad guy Okay? and he's got a gun.
And I don't even think.
I just, like, don't even process it.
I just kick, right? I did two swift kicks.
I hit him right in the neck, like right there, and then I heard the director yell "cut," and I realize I just throat-kicked Liam Neeson.
Yeah, I heard they were making an action movie downtown.
And thanks to my natural charisma and precision ka-Ra-Te You're now looking at Liam Neeson's new co-star.
My name's "Cop Number Four.
" My line is, "That's how we " That's how we do it.
That's how we do it.
That's how we do it.
"That's how we do it in the J-Squad!" Cool.
What's the movie called? The movie's called "K-Squad.
" Everybody in J-Squad gets killed in the first 10 minutes.
Is there a part in there for me, maybe, in this movie? There might be a part for you if the J-Squad starts attacking all the adults who still shop at Old Navy.
Guys! So, you know how it's super hard for me to be around Justin all the time? Well, I've decided to get my own place, and I have a great plan.
I'm gonna win a house in a contest.
Did somebody just say "contest"? You know, if it's a singing contest, the two of us would be unstoppable No, Justin! Justin, I'm not gonna harmonize with you while your girlfriend's away I'm not that kind of girl! How exactly does somebody "win" a house? Well, the city is fixing up some abandoned neighborhoods.
To help market Detroit, I convinced them to give a house away.
It's super-simple.
You basically have to stand outside and touch the house, and then the last person left standing wins.
It's a good story for Detroit.
I hope it'll go viral.
If you want something to spread virally, I'm your man.
You should put a condom on your mouth.
Candace, I like you living upstairs.
You don't have to move out.
Sheesh, Justin, toss that thing in reverse and back off a little bit.
Beep beep Beep beep beep Ow! Beep beep Why does it feel like she's throwing me a lot of shade? Is she mad at me? I don't know, man.
Maybe she just wants some space.
Why don't you just chill? Chill? Danny, you chill white wine, you chill seviche.
Occasionally, you chill with the homies.
Isn't that right, Shell? - It's been way too long, son.
Way too long.
- Yeah.
- Who's that guy? - Some guy named Damon from, uh, Brett's hometown in the U.
K.
Do you ever notice that when British people are around each other, they sound even more British? Yeah, I'd give him an old-school crash-bang-boosh, and I'm going, "shut up! You mugging me up?!" Bish bash bosh.
Crash bang! Wallop, son?! That was gibberish.
We heard you.
Don't worry, mate.
You will meet that lucky lady, son.
- All right, mate.
- All right, son.
All right.
Okay, quick question Does he know that you're not looking for a lucky lady unless she's standing next to Benedict Cumberbatch? Look, no one from my hometown knows I'm gay, okay? And I only came out last year.
And I left that place when I was 18.
If you're not out to everyone, I mean, you're not out.
Why does it matter? I'm not going back to Finchingfield.
And Damon's the first person I've seen since I left my hometown.
It's just It is what it is, okay? Great house, Les.
It's a great neighborhood.
People come here to buy weed now instead of crack.
Hi, boys.
Just out running my errands.
Got some eggs and weed.
He's making his favorite omelet.
Guys, thank you so much for coming to cheer me on.
Of course.
I'm gonna do the cheer I do every night at the retirement home "Be alive! Be be alive!" Oh, um, Justin, you really don't need to stay.
I know you're probably busy at the bar and everything.
Friendship's a full-time job, and I clocked in the second we met.
See, I'm kind of like Spanx.
I'm there to support you wherever you need it.
Yay Hey, man, um We already talked about this You have to stop comparing yourself to female undergarments.
Danny, I can't help it if I'm the underwire bra that keeps this group perky and alert.
Hey, dumb-dumb.
Come to watch me win a house? Trent? Ugh! Oh, God, it's her loser ex-boyfriend.
If I enter the contest, I could save Candace from Trent.
In the amount of time we'll spend together, I'll find out why she's being weird.
I'm joining.
Oh, this is a disaster.
The only reason she's doing all this is to get away from Justin.
Yeah.
It sucks.
Well, I'm gonna run.
I think I hear an ice-cream truck coming.
Good news, Candace Got the last spot.
Looks like we're gonna ride this out together.
Help me.
Oh, come on, Danny.
You're her friend.
She looks up to you.
Come on, Cop Number Four! Is this how they do it in J-Squad? No.
Sounds more like K-Squad.
What the hell are you doing? Getting in the game.
Everyone, hands on the house now! Danny! Thank you.
No problem, Candace.
Don't worry, Danny.
We're here for you.
Well, this got boring fast.
Yo, girl, you know you'll want me back, once I'm a homeowner.
I don't want to talk to you, Trent.
God Yeah, dude.
Back up, discount Ashton Kutcher.
Why don't you back up, dollar-store Keanu Reeves? Yo, dude, are we gonna go right now? 'Cause I got to warn you, I've played a lot of "Street Fighter II.
" Round 1 fight! Hadouken! Hadouken! Sonic boom! You're built like an ostrich, man.
Respect.
Thanks, Danny.
I'm really glad you're here with me.
I'm proud of you, baby bro.
Uh-oh.
Incoming.
What the hell, Danny? This contest was my chance to figure out what's going on with me and Candace.
I have to talk to her.
All right, trust me, man With this sort of thing, dude, it's best to just let it be.
"This sort of thing"? You know what's going on.
Tell me.
Hey, man, I don't want to get in the middle of you two, okay? Plus, I wasn't gonna tell you anyway, and now that I know you want me to tell you, it's gonna be so much more fun not telling you.
Oh, but that's where you're wrong, Danny.
'Cause you will tell me.
And you want to know why? Because you're trapped here.
And you know how you hate it when I pronounce foreign words in their native tongue? Well, guess what I brought Candace for breakfast.
A croissant.
Come on, man.
We're in America.
You call it "krissont.
" Cut it out right now! Barcelona.
Okay, I'll tell you why she's so mad at you.
It's because, um You missed her birthday.
Wait, and you knew? Well, what did you get her? A l-laptop s.
You didn't even get me anything for my birthday.
Yes, I did.
Remember last week when I was eating pizza and you said, "are you gonna finish that crust?" And I said, "no, you can have it," and then you said, "thank you"? Yeah.
Happy Birthday.
Before I go pick up a birthday gift for Candace, the three of us were talking and we all agree You got to fix this thing with your hometown.
You got to let people know who you are.
You're just a really special guy who likes to drive stick.
All right, stop helping.
I know facing your past can be a burden.
I don't know if I ever told you guys this, but For about three dark months, I Well, I danced with an addiction of Claritin.
I mean, my sinuses were clear, but my conscience was not.
Why can't you guys just let this go? At my retirement home, I've been with a lot of people in their last days, and I found out that the worst thing is having regrets that you haven't dealt with.
Like, Mrs.
Bosma, can you tell him what you told me? I'm the one who killed Tupac.
Tupac was her family dog.
Was he killed in a drive-by, too? Yeah, well, technically a drive-over.
Look, what I'm hoping Shelly's trying to say is, you need to fix this thing before it's too late.
I mean, remember when you came out to us? Remember all the tears? You were very emotional.
I know.
'Cause I was happy for you.
And you want to know why? Because you told me that you thought you couldn't really start your life until everyone knew the real you.
Look, there's nothing that I'd like more than to be 17 and back in Finchingfield.
Only this time, I wouldn't feel so scared and I wouldn't feel like an outsider.
I'd march proudly up to anyone in that tiny little town and tell them that I was gay.
But that ship has sailed.
Damon's gone, and I don't know anyone else in that town, let alone how to contact them, so There's just some regrets you have to live with.
Okay? She really have a dog named Tupac? Yeah.
And you don't want to know what she did to the notorious c-a-t.
That's how we do things in the J-Squad.
That's how we do things in the J-Squad! What the heck is he doing? Waiting for the beat to drop.
Uh, Danny told me I forgot your birthday.
I feel horrible.
So I got you a gift.
Oh, my gosh.
Laptop cases? For both your laptops.
Look, I'm so sorry that I forgot your birthday.
You're too special for me to let you down like that.
All right, well, I'll put this back for you.
Hold out your wrist.
There you go.
Thanks.
Look, don't make a big deal out of this I got you two pretend laptops.
But if you play your cards right, I'll also get you an imaginary printer.
Justin is so amazing.
The only birthday present I ever got from Trent was a street sign he stole from "Boner Drive.
" Look, Candace, I really need you "Boner Drive.
" I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Justin, okay? I don't want to get in the middle of you two.
Justin is just so He's he's probably the kindest person I've ever met.
Except for my grandpa, and he loved my grandma so much.
Aww.
That's fascinating.
I hope you're going to tell me more about it.
He would always open the door for my grandma.
He would rush ahead and make sure that he was there to open it for her.
And that's all that I've ever wanted Just a nice, sweet guy who would open the door for me, and I feel like I've been searching for that my entire life.
Candace, this is torture for me, okay? I-i can't hear you talk about love or romance or Justin anymore.
You know the thing that I love about my romance with Justin is that No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I've been listening to you talk about Justin for the past few days now, okay? And and I've even heard your opinions on what you thought he looked like without his shirt on, which is, by the way, way off, okay? He looks more like E.
T.
At the end of the movie when he's all sick.
This is your last warning.
Justin's way more attractive than you.
Oh ho! Laters, dumb-dumb! Happy Birthday.
Why did you do that? Now I'm out.
I know what I did was wrong.
So, in solidarity, I'm going to leave this contest with you.
No way.
Because this isn't just about me getting away from Justin.
This was supposed to be a fresh start for me.
I'm gonna warn you If you don't at least try to win this house for me, then you're gonna pay.
Candace, uh, not to be disrespectful or anything, but this is exactly like being threatened by a cupcake.
Danny, I grew up homeless in Detroit, okay? I'm a lot tougher than you think.
I fight dirty.
So if you want to bail on me now, I could always just dress younger and tell all the attractive woman that you try to hit on that I'm your daughter.
You wouldn't do that.
Oh, my God! I totally would! Dad! Oh, stop, embarrassing me.
It's so weird.
You don't look 40.
I'm not 40! I'm not 40.
Mark my words, bitch.
If you don't come through for me on this, the only thing you're gonna be banging is your head against the wall.
I guess I could stay.
That's how we do it in the J-Squad.
Brett, sit down.
Come here.
Listen Nobody should ever have to live in regret, buddy.
Okay.
What's going on? Well, we got ahold of your old pal, Damon, and he spent the past few days getting all your friends together from Finchingfield.
We got everyone we could find, and we crammed them into the local pub.
So, Brett, say hello to your hometown.
Brett! Man: Hey! Oh, hi, everyone! You guys did this for me? Go on there, mate.
We're all here.
What's this big news, then, son? Um, well, I know that a lot of you think that you know me really well, but, uh, there's just one part of me that you didn't know.
I am a gay man.
Is it fun? Uh, y-yeah.
Yeah, sometimes.
So does this mean that our pact to get married if we're both still single when we're 40 is null and void? Um, yeah.
'Fraid so, love.
But check in again when you're 50.
You're cute.
Are you single? Oh.
Oh, who said that? Is that is that Roger? N-no, it was me.
Oh.
Hi, Dan.
Guys, this is great.
Thank you.
Wallop! Wallop.
Wallop! Wallop! Oh, my gosh.
I can't believe this has gone on for another day.
Okay.
I know you originally stayed because of my whole "Crazy Candace" act, but It wasn't an act.
I truly saw the evil inside you, but go on.
Thanks, Danny.
Okay.
I got to go take care of Mo.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Oh.
Look at you being selfless.
To think you're the same punk kid who got a credit card in my name when you were in 8th grade.
Whatever.
I only used it for emergencies.
You used it last week at Subway.
I was starving! P.
S.
You're welcome for all the miles that I earned you.
You know what? I'm so proud of you right now that there's nothing that you could say that could ruin it.
Cool, cool.
So, um Candace will have other chances to win houses in contests, right? Because I have to go shoot my action-movie scene in like 15 minutes.
Are you serious? Sorry, but you know how the saying goes.
That's how we do things in the J-Squad.
- You're better than this.
- Ugh! Actually, you're not, but you could be.
Come on.
Now you're starting to sound like Justin, all right? Although he would probably turn this house into a metaphor for who I am as a person.
This house represents the best of you.
It's broken on the outside but warm and full of potential on the inside.
Thanks, Les.
You've really given me something to think about while I'm driving to the movie set.
Fine.
Do what you want.
But don't take that hand off of this house until you ask yourself this Do you want to just play a hero in a movie, or do you want to be a hero in real life? So, Danny missed out on being in a Liam Neeson movie for this? Ugh.
Who cares? That guy is old as hell.
The next "Taken" movie better be about him takin' a nap.
You're old and tired, man.
I could do this all month.
Face it, brah, you're too weak! Man, dude.
I am I'm exhausted.
You know, I-I-I miss my bed, I miss taking a shower I miss clapping.
Seriously.
I've had to teach myself this.
Candace, I'm sorry.
I can't do this anymore.
Trent, you're right.
Uh Trent's better than me.
Danny, what are you doing? You win, Trent.
Whoo! Started from the bottom.
Now we're house! Later, dumb-dumb.
Hashtag Blessed.
Hey, man, uh, you know, you probably shouldn't call her dumb-dumb anymore because you just lost a house, dumb-dumb.
Uh, what's happening right now? What's going on? That's how we do it in the J-Squad! Thank you so much.
I don't know how I could ever repay you.
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe with money because you just got a house for free.
Hey, Shell, Bursk, can you guys, uh, carry me for the rest of the day? I'm exhausted.
That's how that's how we do things in the J-Squad.
I am proud to present you with the keys to your new home! This is the best day ever! Look, I'm gonna miss having you around the bar, that's for sure, but, uh Quite a birthday, right, you know? Two laptops and a house.
No one deserves it as much as you.
Go check out your new house.
Oh, w-w-wait, wait.
A lady does not open her own door.
Let me see the keys.
I will open it for you, gentleman of me.
Okay.
There we go.
There you are.
Is everything okay? Thanks for stopping by.
Bye I passed out.
What just happened? Did America make you gay? Uh, no, not gay.
Just gay-er.
Do you own any small dogs? Uh, yeah, yeah, two Elton and John.
My son Jeremy's gay, too.
He lives in France.
Do you know him? Oh, yes, yes, gay Jeremy.
But in France, they call him "Gay Jheremee.
" Oh, hey, Brett, sometimes I like to watch gay porn.
Does that make me gay? Uh, yeah, that makes you 100% gay - Told you - Yeah