Up All Night (2011) s02e09 Episode Script

What do you think? The new worldwide headquarters of Brinkley/chafin construction.
Very industrial, it looks like a place where Michael Jackson would have dance fights.
All right, look out.
I'm gonna banister it.
Oh! No, I'm not.
Lots of rust.
Okay.
- But still awesome, babe.
- Yeah.
A little more scratch than we were hoping to pay, but you know what? All we gotta do is just start generating some, uh - Some money.
- Yeah.
But as you can see from our great wall of job-ortunities, Scott and I got some really fantastic potential gigs lined up.
Definitely.
Some rock-solid leads.
Yeah, so Thread barn? Really? All right, wow, uh, you know what? Always gonna be some stress when you're starting out - with a new business.
- Yep.
But when I was a lawyer, I ate stress for breakfast.
Of course, I chased it down with a pack of cigarettes.
Man, I really miss those old pleasure sticks.
God, it was like making out with a cab driver's jacket.
Yeah.
You know what'd ease your stress, Chris? Mango Margarita.
Check this out.
You you bought a Margarita machine? - Yeah, I emailed you about it.
- No, you didn't.
Because I would have emailed you back, "absolutely do not do that.
" But we got people coming through.
We gotta show them a good time.
Wine 'em, dine 'em, and redesign 'em.
I like mine no ice.
And no Margarita mix.
Then it's just Tequila.
Yeah.
[Upbeat music.]
I wanted to tell you, I got another email from that lady who won the "backstage with Ava" contest we did last spring.
- When I had a backstage.
- Mm-hmm.
Or a stage.
Or a show.
How are those drinks coming, boys? I guess she's in town, and she's got her family here.
And she wants to hang out with you, so I will just get rid of her for you, okay? No, you know what? I will meet with them.
Ever since the show ended [Knocks on table.]
Already lost the show, honey.
I've missed having a profound effect on people's lives.
You know, if I can't change their lives in their living rooms, why not bring them into mine? And by my living room, I mean a well-populated Starbucks near my house, because I don't know these people.
[Blender whirring.]
That's the sound of profits.
You do not get how business works, do you? Yeah.
Thumbs [Video game on TV.]
Oh, he's trying to slap on in from the blue line, huh? Not gonna happen, old man, my goalie eats up that net.
- [Air horn blows.]
- Goal! All right, I'm calling it.
I mean, it's just He had the better controller.
Why don't you go get your stuff ready? 'Cause your dad's gonna take you to your mom's.
Nope, Connie's coming here.
And she'll be late as always.
Or early.
She's always trying to eff with my head.
Oh, wow, she's coming here? God, I haven't seen her since you guys split up.
I know you two were buds, but thank you for respecting my opinion that she's currently the worst person on the face of the earth.
But she's still the same, same old out-of-date Rachel haircut, same horrible perfume.
Camisole by Chico Nucci.
What? My nickname was bloodhound in college.
[Clears throat.]
Tell me you're not fanning out those magazines for Connie? I have not called Connie once, all right? I stopped going to ballet class with her.
I am team Scott.
[Doorbell rings.]
Yeah, right on time.
Typical Connie.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
How was Kyle this weekend? Did I give him soda? Is that what you're asking? - Yes.
- We split a Mr.
Pibb! God.
How come Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Greetings.
Miss you in ballet.
Madame Pomfrey says hello.
She does? Oh, that's so - [Clears throat.]
- Whatever.
- Nice, dude.
I love it! - Yeah, thanks.
Makes us look more official.
Although I'm begging you to start wearing some underwear.
I could pick them out of a lineup.
Hey, ladies! - Chuck.
- Mad dog.
Connie told me that my idiot ex-son-in-law and the full-blown woman that he was hanging out with we're renting office space I figured I'd swing by and check out the competition.
It looks pretty good.
It's gonna make a really nice other business in a couple of weeks.
I'm gonna swing by the thread barn 'cause I'm doing that remodel.
I understand you guys were bidding on that too.
Tough break, huh? [Laughs.]
[Engine revving.]
You're fat! I think he heard you, dude.
Connie.
Hi.
Hi.
Both: Hi.
I think Kyle left his backpack here.
You know what they say about boys and their backpacks, right? It's, like, whenever they go somewhere with their backpacks, they are Um, they leave them The backpacks there.
Come on in.
Okay Um, it's Ah, there it is.
I'm just headed over to ballet.
Oh Taking the Wednesday 2:00, huh? - Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
- Bet you Kelly's there already.
- [Chuckles.]
Such a kiss-ass, that girl.
God, don't even get me started on your pas de chat.
It's just so fluid.
It was better than Kelly's.
Ugh, she's the worst.
Just, you know, I mean, it was It was something like that, I don't know.
Oh, my God, we had so much fun.
Yeah.
We did.
Scott and Chris should be home soon, so - I should go.
- That would be best.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Ow, I shouldn't have done that.
[Groans.]
I can't believe that he snagged that job.
Don't worry about that.
Those thread barn guys are dicks.
[Clears throat.]
You know what? I'm gonna check out the sign from over here, just [Inhaling deeply.]
Nice.
It's got great [Inhales.]
Curb appeal.
- are you second-hand smoking? - What? No.
[Scoffs.]
I'm just grabbing a whiff.
It's a totally slippery slope, dude.
You go from piggy-backing on a guy's smoke, next thing you know, you're giving your daughter's wedding toast through a hole in your neck.
[Scratchy voice.]
What a joyous occasion.
- Palmer clan! - [Gasps.]
- Welcome.
- Oh! No way, sister.
We're gonna do this right Nice and tight.
Oh, the old Milwaukee black bear, oh! Frank, get a picture! Oh, Mark, get in here! Nice to meet you.
Mark, pleasure.
Just super-jazzed to be spending the day - with you today, Frank.
- [Chuckles.]
- All right.
- Okay! Okay, now that's a keeper, right? It's all keepers today, Joan.
You guys are gonna be the talk of Milwaukee.
Move over, big ragu.
Ava, Mark's going to college, pre-med.
I'm hoping to squeeze in a theater class or two Great stuff.
Well, what do you say we kick this day of fun-spiration into overdrive? [Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Come on, kids! It's a little tight in there.
I mean, who's gonna grease us up? - Not me, Joan.
- Oh, okay.
Frank, you want to move your leg.
- Buckle up.
- The other one.
- Everybody in? - Not quite.
- All right, let's go! - I'm not buckled in! Frank, babe, you got a knee in my back.
- Hi.
- [Deep voice.]
Hey there.
Um, I'd like to sign up for the Tuesday, - Wednesday dance class, please? - Reagan? [Whispering.]
Tracy, would you just shh! I'm incognito, okay? So just don't call me Reagan.
Thanks.
- I'm glad you came.
- Oh, hey.
I almost didn't.
I know it's an awkward situation for you with me and Scott.
You know, rawr! So do you wanna dance? Isn't that why we're here? [Both chuckle.]
Reagan, so good to see you.
Tracy, would you shh! Hey, did you read my e-mail? I did not.
Why, did you buy a tandoori oven? I ran into an old traffic school buddy of mine.
He's opening up a high-end bakery, needs a full remodel.
We'd be the only ones pitching.
Well, that's great.
Board it, baby! Brinkley/chafin construction, here we go! Oh, shoot.
You know, I wrote it too big.
I'm just gonna erase, um, golf town and Tico's tacos.
No, what Oh, come on, are you serious? I thought Tico's tacos was a lock, man.
Did you speak to Tico? - [Door opens.]
- Hello? Brinkley/chafin construction, meet the Palmers.
This is the family I was telling you about.
Are we gonna go to any movie studios? I don't know, our day is pretty full.
We just went to the press juicery that I love.
We got lentil smoothies.
They love them.
Unfortunately, Frank's first sip just shot right through him, like a rocket.
But fortunately the backstage vip access tour gives bathroom access in the valley.
- Around the corner, Frank.
- Go, go, go.
Scott! Marg me.
Honey, I'm gonna go have a smoke.
And get the taste of that out of my mouth.
[Chuckles.]
[Piano playing.]
[French accent.]
Very good, very good.
All right, that is it.
I will see you next time, oui? - Very graceful, very good - [Gasps.]
[Bleep.]
.
- Reagan - Those are my neighbors.
Gene and Terry, they're blabbermouths.
Excuse me.
Don't forget your gym bag.
[Whispering.]
I'll call you, okay? - You want one? - No, I'm good.
My cousin was in the construction game.
Didn't last long.
Now he's selling buckwheat neck pillows at the airport.
You know what, I think I will take one of those.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Okay, Palmers.
We'd better haul ass if you want to watch me get a tea tree oil scalp treatment.
Is that different from the eucalyptus thing you got done on your feet? Oh, no, it's basically the same.
Oh, hey.
- Bye, Chris! - Bye-bye.
- Be right back.
- Ah, man.
You know, I've taught you a lot today about inner beauty.
Do you guys want to get a cab and skedaddle out of here? Inner beauty is really wasted in the absence of super-fine outer beauty.
- Go on.
- You know what I mean, Joan? Joan? Frank? Boy? Let me see.
I don't look too goofy in these? I think you look great.
You should totally - get a pair of those.
- Yeah? - But they feel like they're - Reagan? [Knocking on door.]
- Oh, no.
- Why's the door locked? Ava.
Um get out.
Reagan? The dead-bolt seems to be engaged.
- Go.
Go.
Go.
Go.
- Reagan? I can't let Ava see us together.
- I don't want Christopher - What are you doing? Listen, just please go in there.
Shh.
- I - Really quiet, okay? Coming! I guess, ultimately, a day in the life of the new Ava wasn't enough to inspire them.
I mean, sometimes I don't even know - who the new Ava is.
- Oh.
Wow, you really need a new dishwasher.
That's awful.
Well, you know what? It's about that time.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
It's lunchtime.
I say we pop in one of those frozen family-size lasagnas.
You know, honey, like I said before, this just isn't really a good time for me.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
- You did say that.
- I did.
- And I didn't hear it.
- No.
Because I was too caught up in myself - Yeah.
- To listen.
You know what, maybe that's the mistake I made with the family Palmer.
I made their entire visit about me, and it should have been about them.
Look at that, you just inspired yourself, right? You know what I'm going to do? I think I'm going to pay the family Palmer another visit.
- Let me just use your bathroom - Nope, it's broken.
[Door squeaks.]
[Sighs.]
I'm so sorry.
So what do you say, Danny boy, we gonna bake some bread? These numbers look pretty good.
Dan! Hi, Chuck "mad dog" ashworth.
Listen, before you go into business with the pointer sisters here, let me tell you.
I'll do that job twice as nice at half the price.
- Too late, beach ball.
- Bam.
[Laughs.]
Hang on here, guys, I mean I should probably hear him out, right? Let's take a walk.
- How'd he hear about this job? - I don't I'll take it from here, ovary twins! We don't look anything alike.
That's ridiculous.
So I'm just gonna get this stuff.
Tropical tic tacs.
Uh, fried fruit pie.
Giant pickle in a bag of its own juice.
Wife's pregnant.
Let me see.
What else, what else? Um, oh! [Chuckles.]
Boob lighter.
Air freshener.
Let's see, all right.
Uh yeah, there, it's my list.
[Clears throat.]
Tropical tic tacs, check.
Fri pie, giant pickle in a bag.
Boob lighter, pina colada Oh! Yeah, uh What's that say? Yes, cigarettes.
I almost forgot.
Do you sell cigarettes? There they are.
Yeah.
Okay, yeah, great.
I'll take one of those.
I guess a red one would be Hard pack.
Palmers Plamers! hi.
Hi.
I'm sorry yesterday turned into such a screaming disaster.
It was wrong of me to think I could change your lives without knowing who you are.
The only thing I learned is that Frank can't handle lentils.
To know you, I have to listen.
And if you give me another chance, I'm all ears.
We'll do anything you guys want, and this time, we'll be traveling in this European limo bus! Huh? Please, mom, can we just see a bit of Hollywood? It's why we came, right? Boy has spoken.
- It's Mark.
- Mark.
[Exhales.]
Agh.
[Belches.]
Ah, let mommy pack up her ballet stuff real quick.
- Oh, hey, honey.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
- Hi, baby.
Hi, honey, you're home early.
How wonderful for me.
- Hi.
- Oh! [Clears throat.]
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
I'm just I just had a "gee-ro," or "hero".
Whatever.
"Guy-ro.
" Really? So how did the, um, how'd the How'd the meeting go? Mad dog underbid us.
Somehow that fat bastard found out about the job.
I mean, Scott and I were supposed to be the only ones that knew about it.
- What's with the ballet shoes? - What? What? I don't know.
What are you t What's with all the questions, man? What are you, the late Mike Wallace? - Is that a new perfume? - On me? No, same old Same old smell.
[Laughs.]
It's Camisole by Chico Nucci.
Connie was here.
You've been sneaking around, dancing on your tiptoes with Connie, haven't you? [Sighs.]
It was two ballet classes, and she came over once, and we had a glass of wine.
- Oh, my God, it was Connie.
- Huh? Right here, where you and your brother's worst enemy had your little girly wine and tutu party.
Please notice my notes for our meeting strewn all over the place The time, the date, the location, even our parking instructions for all to see.
Connie told her dad about our gig.
- Chris, that's - Absolutely what happened? Uh, yeah.
This is what happens when you don't tell the truth, Reagan.
[Smacking gum.]
- Dreams coming true? - I don't know.
I mean, to see all this cool Hollywood stuff, it makes me not so totally stoked to become a doctor.
Why are you not so totally stoked? 'Cause I wanna be an actor.
Well, being an actor is just as important as being a doctor.
Yeah, but my mom says that acting is for people who are too lazy to get a real job.
Joan? Frank? Family meeting.
Wha what are you doing? I'm about to really change some lives.
You know what? That was daddy's last cigarette.
Daddy's last wonderfully intoxicating, smooth, tasty tube of pleasure.
And I'm sorry about the boob lighter.
You know that daddy respects women.
I invite you into my house, into my home.
And then you steal business information from Scott, so you can give it to your father, so you can screw him over? How can you even look at yourself in In all of these mirrors? - Are you finished? - No.
I don't like your hair.
Reagan, F.
Y.
I, it was Scott.
That idiot emailed my dad by accident.
He typed in "ch" for Chris and it auto-completed Chuck instead.
He does it all the time.
He congratulated my dad when Amy was born, and recently, he's been going on and on about some Margarita machine.
So if you're gonna blame someone, you can blame that dumbass brother of yours.
Well, you know what? F.
Y.
I.
nobody calls my brother a dumbass but me.
And, secondly, your pas de chat is super-rigid.
Yeah, you heard me.
Look at madame Pomfrey over there.
She's silently agreeing.
Team Scott! Drama school? Oh, this is friggin' unbelievable.
Why can't I do what I want to do? Ava's right, it's my life.
If you're gonna go to college on our dime, it's gonna be so you can get a real job.
Yeah, well, at least Ava believes in me.
Oh, well, that's just dandy.
- Thanks, Ava.
- You're welcome.
We came to Los Angeles to meet our dream celebrity.
Thank you.
And now our son is throwing his life in the G.
D.
Garbage.
He's just trying to be true to himself.
We all get one shot to be who we are on this crazy ride called earth.
To live it unhappily, to not be who you really are, well, that's what I call throwing your life in the G.
D.
Garbage.
Let's go, Frank.
Joan, I want a divorce.
Ava's right.
I have to be true to myself.
Oh, good lord.
You're sexy as hell, but you push me away at every opportunity you get.
This is a loveless marriage, and you know it! All you care about is your bird and those damn corgis! I don't care.
You know why? 'Cause I'm a lesbian, Frank! Yeah! A lesbian! So some of this [Bleep.]
must have come with you guys from Milwaukee.
Ow.
You're right, honey.
I shouldn't have gone behind your back.
I am so sorry.
You know what? Don't beat yourself up, babe.
I know, but I lied to you, and we don't lie to each other.
Well, at least you learned a lesson.
I did.
- All right.
- It's not often that I hear you say, "you're right.
" - [Scoffs.]
- It's kinda sexy.
Really? [Seductively.]
You're right.
You're right, baby.
- Heh.
- You're so right.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
- Let's get that shirt off.
No, I don't no.
We don't really need no.
- Yeah.
Don't struggle.
- No, babe I mean, let's Honey, I'm Get that off you.
I don't know if tonight's the greatest night.
- Why? Why? Why? - Unh! Aah! Why? Because I betrayed you? You're gonna make me work for it, huh? Are you gonna make me work for it? Mm, look at you, posing for me.
Honey, you don't have to pose.
Just posing and stretching.
Look at the merchandise.
[Moaning.]
Mmm, hmm-hmm.
[Both moaning.]
You know what, babe? Why don't we just put the brakes on, and maybe we'll do just, like, a sexy massage or something.
No, I'm good, I'm Mmm.
Mm.
Oh, I feel feel kind Kind of weird right now.
Like sexy-weird, right? Like, kind of all tingly and stuff? - Like - No.
Ohh.
Kind of like I just inhaled a bunch of pool water.
- I mean, that can be sexy too.
- Huh? Skinny-dipping in a grotto or something.
- Really? - Guys come and Actually, don't touch me for one second.
Honey, please, just let me - What's that? - Ew, I don't know.
What is that, like, an old band-aid? Gross.
Is this a nicotine patch? I don't know, it was on you.
- Are you smoking again? - I'm quitting smoking.
Oh, my God, you were smoking behind my back? That is way worse than me, dude.
And, oh, you're trying to make me feel all guilty like that? Get off my side.
Unbelievable.
[Sighs.]
It's the first time I've ever felt like having a cigarette after not having sex.
[Chuckles.]
Think I'm gonna barf.
No, you're not gonna pound that.
Commercial this baby's the only Margarita machine endorsed by Jimmy Buffett.
Little early to be drinking our profits, don't you think, Scotty? Chris, you remember Steve and Doug from the alley.
They came in for some margs, we got to talking.
Turns out they're looking to convert the empty blockbuster next door into an old world fondue place.
You know what, Scott? Marg me.
- Nice.
- Looking forward to it.
Who wants to have a smoke? Chris, you coming? Yeah uh, no.
Um, actually, yeah.
[Scratchy voice.]
I'd also like to thank the family of the groom.