Welcome to Flatch (2022) s02e09 Episode Script

1
["DECK THE HALLS"]
♪
So this year, we're cute
little Christmas orphans.
My dad decided to close down
the Christmas tree farm early,
you know, and he's spending Christmas
with Jessie and her family.
And ever since the divorce,
my mom is the Grinch.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, and my nan
is livin' la vida loco down in Mexico.
And we get to make new
traditions, like, for example,
the Great Christmas Sleep-in.
The goal is basically to sleep
through the whole thing.
But this year, I'm actually going to bravely
- hand my win over to Shrub
- Yeah!
Because at 3:00 p.m.,
Columbus Crew has an exhibition game.
I'm really excited.
- Columbus Crew for life!
- Oh!
- Ugh!
- [BALL CRASHES]
- Ooh.
- Goal!
♪
Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Ah, yay!
Exciting. OK, look.
I'll see you at the auditions tomorrow.
- OK.
- Barbie-Shop Quartet.
So last Christmas, I was kicked out
of the Pompano Christmas Caroles.
That's Caroles with an E-S
because two of the women
in the group were named Carole.
They claimed I was pitchy.
But I think they were just jealous.
- [HUMMING]
- Flatch is my chance
to start over in every way.
So I'm creating my own caroling group,
the Barbie-Shop Quartet.
[LAUGHS] Oh, who's caroling now,
Carole and Carole, hmm?
So we're actually getting ourselves
the best present ever:
our all-time favorite Columbus Crew player.
Derrick Etienne, Jr
- [AIR HORN PLAYING ON PHONE]
- [MIMICKING AIR HORN]
Is maybe coming to Flatch.
So basically, he was supposed
to do an appearance
tomorrow in Brighton at a toy drive, OK?
But there's a snowstorm,
a really, really bad one.
Show 'em the tweet. Or the
- Facebook, Facebook.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Sorry Brighton!
"All flights are grounded.
- "Keep on kicking!"
- Kicking.
[LAUGHS]
Like, kicking, but also, like, kicking.
Soccer pun. I mean, he's hilarious.
- Genius.
- But anyway,
so I slid into his DMs, sexy style
Kidding and I was
just sort of like, "Hey,
you should come to the toy
drive in Flatch instead."
And then, you know, I told him
Flatch has a bunch of orphans,
and I sent documentation.
OK, less Piglet, more Eeyore,
you know what I mean?
Sadder, sadder. Look, like this.
[ALL MOANING]
You're no, next.
And the truth is, we do have orphans, OK?
- Shrub.
- Um
You are.
Nan and your mom, where are they?
Nowhere to be found.
Dad, no one knows him, OK?
So you're like little Tiny Tim
- No.
- Except Tiny Little Shrub.
No well, my dad is, like, somewhere,
so it's not like
I'm, like, an actual orphan.
No, the point is, anyone can be an orphan
under the right circumstances.
Ugh, this egg retrieval
cannot come soon enough.
I'm so swollen,
even my nap dresses are tight.
You're still driving me
to my appointment, right?
I didn't forget.
And neither did our children,
Jasper and Matilda.
Oh, my God, what are those?
I found this website
where you can upload a photo
and it generates images of your kids.
One's a boy, and one's a girl,
just not the ones you think.
Well, what photo of mine did you use?
I used the one of us
at the A-Men meet and greet
at the Mall of America.
Well, Joe, that photo should be burned.
Look at my hair.
Look at mine, with frosted tips.
It was at its peak, just like
my career at the time.
Welcome to the auditions
for Flatch's very own Barbie-Shop Quartet.
- Barb.
- Yeah?
How do we want to do this?
Want me just to wait
over here while you choose
the other two singers, or
Eh, what?
- No, I'm teasing, teasing.
- Oh, OK.
Although I was a professional
singer for money.
Right. Here we go. And
[PLAYS NOTE]
ALL: Joy to the world ♪
The Lord has come ♪
Let Earth receive her king ♪
Let every heart prepare him room ♪
And heaven and nature sing ♪
And heaven and nature sing ♪
And heaven, heaven and nature sing. ♪
- [VOCALIZING]
- Wow!
You guys, the pipes on you.
But three of you, oh,
really jingled my bells.
Mandy. Nadine.
[LAUGHS]
- Dylan.
- Wh
Congratulations, welcome to the quartet.
I'm confused.
Was I off-key?
No, it's just you were good.
They were better.
I'm sorry, but no, Joe and June.
- [GASPS]
- Thank you for coming, though.
Appreciate it.
[MOANS]
Bye.
Hmm.
I know Kelly is, like, super into us
being Christmas orphans,
but turns out, I am not actually a Tiny Tim.
I've been doing some
cyber-sleuthing on le Google,
being all Sherlock Homey.
Anyway, big news:
apparently, there are 23 Mallet men
within a 500-mile radius.
21 of those were assigned male at birth.
And of those 21, 13 match
the age range of my dad.
So orphan that.
Not so tiny now, am I?
No. No way.
- What?
- No way.
No, Kelly, no.
Derrick freaking Etienne
is coming to Flatch.
Oh, my God, dude, that's a blue check.
Oh, my God, that's really him.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
We have to throw a toy drive by tomorrow.
Barb, missed you.
So I can't work today.
Sorry ahead of time.
It'll never happen again.
But I'm throwing a spontaneous toy drive.
- [GASPS]
- And, you know,
unrelated, I was wondering if you
You know, you're a giving gal
If you want to give
any of these toys to me
- Oh.
- Just for a donation.
Mm-kay. You know what?
A toy drive is a great idea, Kel.
It's exactly the kind of positive PR
we need to bring in the Butter Bus Museum
and just happens to be
the perfect time to debut
the Barbie-Shop Quartet.
Yeah, we'll talk about that later.
I just really hope I can
get it done in a day, you know?
- I'm kind of nervous.
- Look at me.
What kind of melon do you want to be,
a "can't-aloupe" or a "honey-do"?
Yeah, you're gonna figure this out.
[SIGHS]
I just don't get it.
How can the winner of a Daytime Grammy
not make it into the quartet?
Joe, I really need to finish
writing this article.
Should I appeal the decision,
have Carson Daly vouch for me?
You know, you'd be surprised
how much pull he still has.
You know, it sounds
exactly like when you tried
to get A-Men back together.
Look how that turned out.
Yeah, you're right.
So you're saying I should
start my own caroling group.
No, I am saying that you should
lick your wounds and move on.
You are a pastor at a church.
You get to perform every Sunday.
That's true, which is why
I'm perfect for the quartet.
[SIGHS]
Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle bell rock ♪
Jing ♪
See ya.
Ugh, I lost my train of thought.
OK, who wants to meet Derrick Etienne?
- Me.
- Yes, exactly,
Columbus Crew legend, feet of an angel.
This could change your life, OK?
And all you need to do is one thing.
Tomorrow come to the toy drive
at the town hall.
BYOT, bring your own toy.
Where are we supposed to get a toy?
OK, totally fine, totally fine.
Shrub and I are gonna handle the toys.
Be there tomorrow. You get $5 each.
- Kelly, we don't have
- Yes, I have it.
And most importantly,
your parents are dead just for tomorrow.
But it hurts, and you miss them.
Dude, dude, dude,
I think I just found my dad
or a Lloyd Mallet that is a lawyer in Ithaca
who literally has a picture of him
with a mallet on his website.
Literally insane.
Well, actually, technically,
that is a gavel.
But that's just a mallet
that's dignified, you know?
Just like him, my dad.
God, that resemblance is uncanny.
Anyway, he emailed me,
and he says he wants to meet
for a Zoom tomorrow.
And I just cannot tell Kelly right now,
because, you know,
I just feel like it'd be rude,
especially this time of year, to be like,
"Hey, my dad is this crazy
incredible lawyer,
"and your dad is
your dad."
ALL: We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
And a happy New Year ♪
Year ♪
And I can go low ♪
- [SIGHS]
- Baritone ♪
Joe, what are you doing here?
Well, I just wanted
to give you another chance.
I can still join the group,
no hard feelings.
Oh, OK, well, I appreciate that,
but we only have four costumes.
Don't take this the wrong way, Barb,
but how much music experience
do you actually have?
Oh, my God, Joe!
You cannot be part of the quartet, OK?
It's four people, quartet.
Backspin.
- What are we doing?
- No, don't do this.
- Joe, don't do that.
- Get up. Get up.
- Don't, uh-uh.
- Get up.
Hey.
I was just trying to do them a favor ♪
Barb, should we just let Joe in the group?
He's pretty good.
Yeah, it seems really important to him,
for some reason.
- Well, you know what?
- [SCOFFS]
Clearly it's not important to you,
'cause you don't respect my decisions.
I mean, would you rather have
Father Joe instead of me?
Well, I think what she was saying was,
we're just doing this for fun.
And it will be fun. It is fun.
Just start singing.
We have one day! Let's go! Start singing.
ALL: We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
- We wish ♪
- Faster, guys.
COME ON. ALL: And a happy New Year ♪
We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
Faster. Get the tempo, guys.
- This is as fast as we can go!
- OK, you know what?
You have to be ready for anything.
- Go! Sing! Sing!
- Whoa! Whoa!
Stay focused!
Oh, oh, hell no, I am not a dog.
You take your weird emotional
issues out on somebody else.
Well, you just have
to be ready for anything.
You don't know what's gonna happen.
The hell?
OK, does anybody else want to leave?
I'm sorry.
What what hold on.
You know you don't want to leave.
Ugh!
I have been reverse Caroled.
[SUCKS TEETH]
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
OK, little orphans, look me in the eyes.
OK, let's practice our reactions once again.
You're gonna get the gift.
You're gonna open it.
You're shocked. You're surprised.
You've never had one of these.
You're touched.
Maybe your eyes fill up
with tears a little, OK?
Make this the performance of a lifetime.
- Merry Christmas, kids.
- Mm.
- Where are all your parents?
- I'd love to say hi.
We don't have parents.
- We're orphans.
- Shut it.
Levi, I know for a fact you have parents.
Hey, Joe-bo, can I talk
to you for a second real quick?
- Yeah.
- This'll be quick and fun.
So I know we discussed a toy drive,
and you loved the idea,
and I just forgot to mention
that we are also playing
make-believe orphans.
And I already know what you're gonna say:
"Who cares? It's for a good cause."
And that's what I love about you.
No, I would not say that.
He's here.
Don't embarrass me.
Let me do the talking.
Hey, you must be Kelly.
Thank you for inviting me.
- [COUGHS]
- Oh, God.
- What's happening?
- So are these the orphans?
Yeah, I got this.
Uh huh, hey na
- Hey.
- Hey, hey,
welcome to the first annual
Flatch toy drive.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Christmas is a very important time for me.
You know, I remember performing with A-Men
at the Christmas concert in Times Square.
Let Derrick Etienne talk.
Yeah.
Whoo!
Thank you guys for the generosity.
Let's make sure that these brave kids
have a special Christmas.
Aw. What?
That is so sweet.
Silent night ♪
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Here you go.
Holy night ♪
Open them!
They're really bad at opening them
'cause they have never had gifts before.
All is calm ♪
- There you go.
- Whoa!
Vintage cell phone! All right!
She loves to cook.
You love to cook, right?
'Cause someday you'll start your own family.
Perfect. Looks great.
Derrick, hi.
Sorry about my mouth earlier.
But I just think you're the coolest.
And my dad is a huge fan too.
Oh, yeah? Is he here.
No? He couldn't make it.
He's in Kentucky with his new family,
making a turducken.
Oh. Those things are impossible.
I know. New families
are so hard, right? Like
I was talking about the turducken.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know it too.
Smile. Smile.
Hey, something's wrong here.
[GASPS] Is it a onion?
Oh, my God.
Thank God.
I'm so hungry.
OK, I don't know wh
Kelly, I think I know what's going on.
This town doesn't have
enough money to buy toys.
So I'll write a check out my own savings,
and we'll get these orphans
some real presents.
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
OK, here goes nothing.
- [LINE RINGING]
- He told me to call at 2:00,
so here we go.
Hey, Dad.
It's me.
It's Shrub or Lloyd.
Hello, other Lloyd.
Let's be brief.
Give me your address,
and I will send you $500.
[LAUGHING] What?
OK. Thank you, Dad.
In return, you will sign an agreement
never to contact me or my family again.
I'm sorry it has to be this way.
But I had the one affair 17 years ago,
and my wife still does not know about it.
It would kill her.
Wait.
That guy can't be my dad.
Think about it. I'm not 17.
But he was, like, super pushy
about getting my address,
so I gave it to him.
Back to square one, I guess.
What's the name of the charity?
Uh you know, Derrick,
you really do not have to do this.
Please, I want to, for the kids.
I have to tell you something.
This isn't a real toy drive,
and the kids aren't orphans.
I paid them to be here.
Why would you do that?
It was wrong. I know it was wrong.
You know, sometimes players flop, right,
or, like, fake an injury
to get a penalty kick.
So maybe this was my flop.
Not all of us can be Derrick Etienne.
Remember when you bent
that lethal curler kick
and won the 2020 MLS Cup
or when you scored back-to-back goals
in an epic comeback against Chicago?
I just think you're the GOAT. I do.
No, you know what?
I think you're the GOAT SAM.
I MADE THAT UP: greatest of all
time, space, and multiverse.
And I had to flop so I could meet you.
I'm sorry.
Well, I appreciate the compliment.
But I was actually trying
to help people today.
I mean, I know you made
someone's Christmas better
just by showing up.
'Cause some people didn't.
And watching you play soccer
makes people so happy, you know?
Like, not just orphans
but real estate moguls
who have pontoon boats
and miss their families on the holidays,
just a random example.
Hey.
Where's the rest of the quartet?
They quit. It's a one-tet now,
so the performance is canceled.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, it's fine.
- I'm used to people bailing.
Hashtag Burt, hashtag my wig stylist.
Yeah, it's better to be on your own.
That way, people can't disappoint you.
Well, it sounds like you've got
some good old-fashioned
holiday depression there, Barb.
You know, but now Joe can lead the group
and be the star.
Oh, I don't know why he cares so much.
I mean, yeah, when we met,
he was a teen idol.
I was his number one fan.
But that was so long ago, you know?
Yeah, for one of you.
I get it.
It's hard to let go of the fantasy.
Are you talking about his fantasy or mine?
That's for you to figure out, honey.
I got enough crazy going on
in this head of mine
as it is.
That's why it's better that Barb fly solo.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, brilliant.
What?
I'm going solo.
[SIGHS] Hi, everybody.
Obviously there is no
Barbie-Shop Quartet today,
but you cannot wait for other people
to give you what you want.
You just got to go out there and get it.
So I am still gonna sing for you.
[CLEARS THROAT] Just Barb.
Whoo! I like it, just Barb.
Go, Barb!
Da-da-da ♪
Ooh, ah, ooh, ah ♪
- This is weird.
- And sad.
Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle bell rock ♪
- Jingle bell ♪
- Let's go.
Jingle ♪
Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring ♪
Dancing and prancing
in Jingle Bell Square ♪
ALL: In the frosty air ♪
What a bright time ♪
It's the right time ♪
To rock the night away ♪
Jingle bell time is a swell time ♪
To go riding in a one-horse sleigh ♪
Giddy up, jingle horse,
pick up your feet ♪
Hoo ♪
ALL: Jingle around the clock ♪
Yeah ♪
ALL: Mix and mingle in the jingling beat ♪
Jingle, jingle ♪
ALL: That's the jingle bell ♪
That's the jingle bell ♪
That's the jingle ♪
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
ALL: We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
and a happy New Year ♪
Jingle bell rock ♪
[APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER]
Thank you.
Yeah, Barb!
I fell for Joe when I was young.
I thought we'd grow and change together.
He's still the same guy I fell
in love with on that stage.
[SIGHS]
I think maybe I've changed.
I'm not that girl anymore.
Look, I know we have to go,
but can you give me, like, ten minutes
to see if we have an encore in us?
Joe, I am going to my appointment alone.
What? Why?
Let's talk about it later.
No, let's talk about it now.
I can't do this with you,
any of this.
I've been trying.
I really have.
But I just can't get there.
I don't feel the way I used to,
and that is not fair to you.
You, you are going to be
an amazing dad someday
to little Jasper and Melinda.
Matilda.
But that is your future, not mine.
- Cheryl.
- I can't be late, Joe.
I'm very sorry.
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN AND SHUT]
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
No interviews right now.
I think we should make this
a regular thing
with, like, weekly rehearsals.
Well, how do I know you guys
aren't gonna bail on me again?
- We didn't bail on you.
- You pushed us away.
You're not allowed to push
people away in Flatch
or hurl ornaments at their perfect noses.
Yeah, we'll always be here.
Standing outside your window,
watching you drink boxed wine.
Well, that's really creepy.
- Yeah.
- But thank you.
It's very sweet. Come here.
So Derrick and I thought of a new way
that we can still help out charity.
Basically he's gonna autograph
all the junk we wrapped,
and we're gonna
auction it off to raise money
for a local food kitchen.
Guess how much this went for.
$41. [LAUGHS]
3, 2, 1!
[ALL SHOUTING]
Also, Derrick stayed to
shoot penalty kicks with us.
Told you he was GOAT SAM.
OK, go, go, go, go, go.
Ugh!
Did you see that?
Shrub got that all on film, OK?
I mean, this is gonna blow up
on the internet, dude.
- Yes.
- And I don't know.
Derrick's kick might have left a mark.
Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHS]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Hey. How you feeling?
Lighter.
Turns out, doing things solo
doesn't mean being alone.
I got ya.
["DECK THE HALLS"]
♪
[SMOOCHES]
Nan got us a really amazing gift basket.
She got us tequila and a Santa piñata.
But it seems that it
got smashed in the mail.
But that's actually kind of good,
'cause that's where it was headed anyway.
Honestly, I feel like this is gonna be
my favorite Christmas,
just 'cause we got to make
- a bunch of new traditions.
- Mm.
- Right?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, my God.
- Derrick reposted my video.
- What?
- Yeah.
- I didn't know that.
I know. I got, like, 38 new follows.
Mostly bots, but there's this one guy Kevin.
He keeps messaging me,
so it could be something.
Hey, feliz Navidad, Nan.
Thanks for the gift. That was really sweet.
Well, we threw a toy drive, and then
Well, I was kind of looking
for my dad this week.
No, dad, D-A-D. Yeah.
But I couldn't find him, so does it matter.
Tried to forget ♪
'Cause it's Christmastime ♪
What?
Nan says that if I'm looking for Dad
to look in the basement.
But not like, you know, his physical body.
That would be terrifying.
[CHUCKLES] Dude, that's why
I couldn't find him.
He changed his name
to Lloyd Bush.
That's a pretty incredible
Christmas present.
Oh, also, my fake dad sent me 500 bucks.
- Boo-yah!
- Yeah, yeah ♪
The time is now ♪
Because it's Christmas ♪