What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e09 Episode Script

1
House meeting.
House meeting, everyone. Hello?
Ah, Nadja. Uh, the house meeting
was supposed to start 15 minutes ago.
Where's Laszlo?
He is tending to his fruit trees.
Okay, great. So maybe
you want to fetch him,
and we can begin the house meeting.
No, I cannot go and "fetch" him.
That is a job for Guillermo.
- Guillermo is on a break at the moment.
- Sorry, a what?
From now on, Guillermo will receive
one day off per week.
Plus a 15-minute break every four hours.
This is all my idea, of course,
- not Guillermo's idea.
- Guillermo,
I give you permission to take
a break from your breaking.
Guillermo, you will do no such thing.
You will not break
Starting to think my
whole life is a big pile
of bullshit.
Sometimes this job seems like
a really childish career choice.
Like, what am I doing here?
I don't know. Maybe it's time to grow up
and get a real job with real people.
Maybe I could start a business?
I was using these Tide
pens the other day
to take off blood off my clothes.
And I thought, I don't
have to do this. I
I dumped all of this
into this to make this.
Isn't that cool?
It's a Heavy Duty Blood Remover.
Been watching a lot
of Shark Tank lately.
The sky will be the limit.
What do you say?
- Can we make a deal today?
- I am not fetching anyone!
When I was a child, I
loved juicy red apples.
Now they just smell like shit and decay.
So now what I basically do
is cut them off the tree
and throw them on the floor.
Laszlo.
Did you hear that?
Laszlo Cravensworth.
Who calls the Cravensworth?
You have a lot of nerve disturbing me,
in my garden, pruning.
It would be best for everybody
if you show yourself now.
A goat.
Your shepherd will be wondering
where the hell you are.
Laszlo! House meeting time.
Yeah, I'll be there momentarily.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What kind of goat sorcery is this?
The ceremony awaits you.
Help! Aah!
Laszlo, the house meeting!
Laszlo!
I can feel something
terrible has happened.
It's witches. They have taken him!
I can feel it on the inside of my bones.
Ah
I'm not saying that Nadja
is hysterical, but
she blames everything on witches.
Witches are near.
Like every little
fucking thing.
The witches
have been toying with our rugs again.
Please get some
witch-proof carpet tape
and tape that rug down.
Witches! Aah!
See?
Witch dust. Ugh!
- Or dirt.
- It's not not witch dust.
Oh, it stinks.
Nobody breathe it in. It's how
they seize control of your mind.
We're going to have to burn the garden.
- We have to do something!
- I think perhaps the best place
to start is to look around here.
Let's do that. Excuse me.
Guillermo, you will join us, too.
Nah, that's not in my job description.
Laszlo? Did you fall down a hole again?
Nandor.
- Did somebody call my name?
- No, no, shit, Nandor, don't!
Hey, there's a goat over here.
- Hello, Mr. Goat.
- Nandor, it's No, don't!
You're very handsome, aren't you?
Have we met before?
The ceremony awaits.
Hey. Wait. Hey! Whoa!
Shit, shit, shit.
- Okay. I'll get the keys.
- Yes, you bloody will.
I'll be damned. Witches.
Colin, hurry!
Can you not make this
carriage move faster?
You're moving slower
than when my yaya tried
to ride a snail to the next village.
If you wanted to go faster,
why didn't you fly?
Ooh, it's too dangerous.
Look how quickly and
disgustingly they move.
They're really hauling ass.
Oh, Gizmo, they're getting
ready to land. Ooh!
- Ooh.
- Oh.
Well, luckily, that was just Nandor.
- Oh! They're moving toward the right!
- Hey! Take the next exit!
No!
Let go of the wheel! Your
driving's gonna kill us!
Stop the machine, make it stop.
Yes. They are near.
The smell of beef and
sulfur is overwhelming.
- That's just Brooklyn.
- Yes. It's over there.
Do you want me to go in for
a quick snoop and poop?
No. You cannot go. They will sense you.
No, we need a mortal. A human.
A common schlub.
A nobody. Someone who's personality
is like a eunuch's. You know?
Okay, I'm gonna go. I'll go.
All right? I'll go.
Oh, really, Guillermo,
I would never have
- Right, I'll do it.
- No. I'll go.
- Thank you, Guillermo.
- I just
Don't worry.
I have to do everything myself.
You guys stay back, okay?
Just stay back here.
Anything I can help you find?
No. No, I'm just
taking a look at, um
Is this is this the only room,
or is there another room
with other stuff, or?
You're looking for something specific?
Any allergies?
No. I mean, my nose is
stuffy, but I don't know
if it's because of a food allergy
- or a seasonal allergy, or
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, no, you don't have to do that.
No, thank you.
No. No. I'm not good at
- Mmm
- Oh, that feels good.
Oh, I think she's trying to
squeeze Gizmo's eyeballs out.
The consensus on Instagram
is that we underestimate
the importance of self-care.
Hang on.
Oh, shit.
- Oh!
- Fuck.
Do you have anything for rosacea?
I think I have a little
flare-up on my chin.
Come with me. Bring the cameras.
- There's no
- This way.
Fire.
I say, ladies, perhaps we could come
to some kind of arrangement?
I mean, you don't need the
two of us, surely. No?
Psst, guys.
A little help?
- Intruders! Intruders!
- Sorry, guys.
Fret not, my sisters.
Let 'em in.
Let the ceremony be documented
for the ages.
Idiot.
This is kind of exciting.
Little dark in here, huh?
You will remain here with the others
until the ceremony is complete.
What cer? Others, what?
Wait!
Guillermo, get the lights.
- I'm looking for it.
- It's over there.
Over where?
Now he's getting breaks all the time,
so he doesn't want to
turn the lights on!
I'm looking
- This talking back!
- I'm looking for it!
Turn on the damn light!
Fuck you guys.
Aha!
Oh, what is this place?
Uh, some sort of storage room, perhaps.
Not a storage room.
Places, everyone.
Everything is secure?
Yes.
Witches!
Hear me now and take note.
Release us, and you will be shown mercy.
But any further
hesitation will ensure
your complete and utter destruction!
- That'll do.
- Well done, Nandor.
You've certainly frightened them.
Now let us begin.
Start the music.
I see you, little mama ♪
Doin' your thang - No.
But you would look much
better underneath my w ♪
Wrong playlist.
That's for the hip-hop
kundalini class we offer
Tuesday, Thursday evenings.
- Sorry.
- It's all right, Tessa.
Start the music.
What the hell are those?
I don't know
I think this is the end.
Don't breathe it in.
It's some kind of
- Hey
- Hello.
I must say, I-I'm not sure
I fully disapprove of this abduction.
- Relaxing, really.
- Some might say erotic.
I don't know about y-you, old chap, but
- I have a raging hard-on.
- Yes.
These witches are sly, but so am I.
I think I have 'em figured out.
Door on the floor
we ain't here no more.
Aah! Help!
That does that thing.
Oh, hello. We were wondering
if, um
Ma'am.
- This way.
- Ah.
- Later, suckers.
- And so when I saw that,
I knew it was the right door.
- Puta madre.
- How many door rooms do they have?
It's the same one, Professor Pig Dick!
I've done a lot of escape rooms,
but I'm usually the one in the
group that is asking about
where we're gonna go
for dinner afterwards
and how we'll split up the bill.
Don't open that, Nadja.
I hate this place!
Laszlo, my love, I am coming for you.
Be strong.
- I'm coming!
- Not now! Um
I mean, um, uh, in your
own time, my darling.
- No immediate hurry.
- 'Tis time
- to begin the extraction.
- The what, now?
- Removal of your semen.
- Oh, yes.
Well, I'm quite keen on that
idea, let that be known.
Now, the process
will be quick
Well, that's slightly
insulting but probably true.
Though I can go again.
Though, I'm afraid, not
entirely painless.
- Ah.
- Tess? Quinn?
Ooh, look out. Marital aids?
No. 18th century surgical tools.
- Ew.
- Shit.
Fast as you can, my dear! Like, now!
They are fully engorged.
True.
Let us revert to our true form.
MILFs.
- Even better.
- It's a contrast
but something I wouldn't say no to.
I'll prepare the cauldron. Bring
me the fluid when the bowls
- are filled to the brim.
- What are you doing with those?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Hi.
I-I don't think that bowl's
going to be big enough.
- Nadja!
- Don't think it's going to fit in there.
You really need to get here!
Ah. Looks like Epicurus,
the Greek philosopher
and father of hedonism.
Pleasure is the absence of suffering.
The Greek word for pleasure is
Found it.
Ready?
Well, h-h-how'd you find that?
"Salida."
- "Exit."
- It's in Spanish. I know.
- I know that, too.
- I I've discovered it.
- I would've thought of it.
- Guillermo.
I told you I'd get us out of here.
- It's for wine, isn't it?
- No, no, no, no, no.
- We just met.
- Where are you going with that?
Put those tiny swords down this instant,
or you'll be removing them
from your crusty old tits
and dry, old asses.
Ooh, my darling, am I
pleased to see you.
How did you escape from our secret room?
That would be me, ma'am. Thank you.
I put together all your clues.
- Figured it out.
- Actually, it was me.
I'm the one who saw It's in Spanish.
Well, yo soy a bit of a puzzle head.
You're a man of great intelligence.
Yes, Mensa has been
trying to get me to join.
You've proven that you are also
worthy of semen extraction.
Oh, thank you. I'd like to
tell you you'd be the first
to ever say that to me, but you're not.
Not with those, though.
Yeah, that's your guy right there.
No hablo inglés.
Real nice job, Colin Robinson.
Well, I know we're all having
the laugh of our lives,
but sadly all parties
must come to an end.
Guillermo, untie them.
Can't you see you're outnumbered?
What are you gonna do
Moisturize us to death?
No.
Enough.
Oh, Lilith, I should
have known this was you.
Your stinky old stank was all over it.
Lilith is a witch I befriended
many, many years ago.
She used to run a shop that sold
all the newest mixtures of makeups
and ladies' clothings and shirtings
and suitings and shoesings.
It was all a front, of course.
It was a way to distribute
the very best of semens
to any witch who needed it.
Naturally, we hit it off straightaway.
Very fast friends.
That was, until she did
something so evil,
so despicable, so
unforgivable that we are now
sworn enemies for the rest of time.
Five spits for an enemy, Lilith.
You look so different
to how I remember you.
Oh, yes. I appear to you now
as my natural, aged self.
With every passing moment,
our anti-aging spells
lose their potency.
Well, over my undead body
will your crispy hands
get anywhere near my
husband's sperms again.
- "Again"?
- Hmm?
Yeah.
Thing is,
I had a bit of a knee trembler
with Lilith some time ago,
and Nadja found out and
put me on her shit list.
Okay
She tricked me with her witchcraft.
Oh, she tricked you, did she?
Come on, Laszlo!
He does not lie.
I didn't come to him in
the form you see me now.
I took a form that I knew
he could never resist.
You.
In bed, she made herself
look just like you.
It's true. Watch me now. Watch me.
Watch as I transform
to look exactly
like you!
Voilà.
Is that what you think I look like?
From here, I-I can't
tell the difference.
You both look exactly the same.
It's a completely different woman.
Sorry, you'll have to raise your hand.
Otherwise, I don't know who's talking.
- Speak for me.
- Speak for me.
- She
- The same.
She's just doing a
generic European accent!
"Generic European accent."
- Pretty close, my love.
- Colin Robinson?
- Um
- Nandor?
Uh
Look at us standing together now.
It's-it's me,
and it's another woman.
How many more women have you slept with
that just have long dark hair?
She's got long dark hair.
Have you slept with her?
Hello, Judith.
Nandor's got long dark
hair and an accent.
Have you slept with him?
I can't believe
Right. Piss this. You are
welcome to his semens.
- I'm going home.
- Silence!
No one is going anywhere now.
With the combined semen
of these two vampires
What's your name?
C-Colin Robinson, Miss.
With Colin Robinson's
semen, too,
we can maintain our youthful appearances
for an even
longer amount of time than before.
- Ah.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Well done. Well done.
- Thank you.
Also, we use it to make magnets.
Witches. May I ask you a quick question?
What would you say if I told
you that I could provide you
with all the vampire semen and more
that your little black hearts desire?
Hmm, go on.
Sure, you can leave today
with a one-time extraction
- from these two well-endowed
- Three.
- Hmm?
- Three well-endowed
- Okay.
- Go on.
These three gentlemen.
But what happens when
that semen is gone?
You're out on the prowl
hunting for more.
Yeah, it's true.
The search for prospective
donors is a constant headache.
Also,
last time things
totally went off the rails.
Exactly.
So what would you say
if I could provide you
an unlimited supply of semen? Yeah.
I basically offered them a
deal where, if I could get
Nandor and Laszlo's
seed, willingly,
then in return, I would
get three percent
of the net profit.
I call this Memo's Man Milk.
Love it.
Memo's short for Guillermo.
No more kidnappings or surgical
extractions, and it's not like there's
not enough to go around.
That stuff is everywhere.
I also included Colin
Robinson in the deal,
which they replied and said "No."
Yeah, I've always been good at puzzles.
At the 1992 World Puzzle Championship,
I told New York Times
puzzle master Will Shortz
to "eat my shorts."
What the hell?
Who the hell has done all this?
What the?
My pillows.
What is that sound?
I think it's coming from down the hall.
- Oh.
- It's the bloody goat.
Wait. Does he live here now?
- Oh, no!
- Did you do this?
Get out of here!
- Oh, no!
- Begone!
Shoo! Naughty goat.
I know where you live, asshole.
- What are you up to?
- Oh, nothing much.
You?
Relegated to the coffin in the basement.
Ah. Tough break.
- You still, uh
- Terribly.
- You?
- Full blazes.
Look, I was thinking that
That we should finish each
other off and tell no one?
Well, I'm game if you are.
I saved the day when no one else could.
- Knock, knock.
- Oh, hey there.
But I will always be "just
a familiar" to them.
I'm just another schlub
driving around Brooklyn
with a bunch of jars full of semen.
- Another delivery?
- Yeah. How about you?
- Guard duty.
- Cool, cool.
It isn't easy for guys like us.
Well, technically,
you're not a guy, so
I mean, just hanging around for
years doing all the shit work.
Sometimes I wonder if they'll
ever make me a witch.
Yeah.
Anyways, I got to go, Black Peter, okay?
- I'll see you later.
- Later.
They had come highly recommended
by a mutual vampire associate of ours,
but nevertheless, I found it prudent
to run the traditional credit checks,
and reference protocols.
Suffice it to say, I am part of the 33%
who find it necessary to utilize
my complementary credit check
every year.