Whitney s02e09 Episode Script

- No, let go, let go, let go.
- No, no, no, no, no! Ah! Last one out of bed.
You have to make it.
That's such a dumb rule.
You're the one that made it up.
You're right.
I'm the boss.
Okay.
I'll do it.
All right, and don't leave your socks in there.
They give me snake dreams.
What time's your brother coming today? His flight gets in at noon.
He'll get lost and then blame my directions, so figure about 6:00.
Or, no, wait, Michelle's coming with him, so 12:45.
Made it.
Do you have to do everything lying down? Okay, I do that one thing standing up against the wall.
So how would you feel if, when they come, - I wasn't here? - Come on.
They're only gonna be here for a few hours.
Besides, Michelle's really excited to see you.
Michelle's really excited about everything.
She smiled during her entire childbirth.
That's what stayed with you after watching that video? That's not a miracle.
That's just gross.
It's really more your brother.
I just don't like the way that he talks down to you.
I don't understand why you don't fight back.
That's just Brian being Brian, you know.
Okay, that is not any excuse.
You fight with me all the time.
How come Brian gets to be Brian, but Whitney doesn't get to be Whitney, Alex? I think Whitney knows.
All right, I'm gonna go take a shower.
Do you mind making some coffee? I just made the bed.
I'm exhausted.
Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, yeah, nice deli tray.
Ew.
Oh.
So I went to the food store, and I got the fancy meat that was sliced in front of me, cheese that's not neon, and what kind of bread, you ask? Don't know, and I don't care.
- Wow, you really went all out.
- Mm-hmm.
And I even took the trash out, and I threw it down the trash chute.
We don't have a trash chute.
Still don't care.
Oh.
- What's up? - Hey.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- How are you? - A deli tray? Are we having Roxanne's intervention? I didn't finish writing my letter.
They don't serve food at interventions.
I have heard.
No, Brian and Michelle are coming in for the weekend.
Oh.
- Hey, can we borrow your car? - For what? We are obviously going to Costco.
Yeah, I sold a banner out of my blog, and I have some extra cash, so I'm gonna buy a cell phone that doesn't flip.
I just like standing next to the giant laundry detergent and then pretending I'm really small.
And I need pants.
Yeah, you you do.
All right, good, let's go.
I'd like to be tiny by 3:00.
Bye.
Hey, I arranged this whole shopping trip to get Mark and Roxanne together.
It's gonna be their first date, but they don't know it.
- Oh.
- At a warehouse store? Yeah.
Why don't you just take them anywhere else? - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! - Hello.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi! Ooh, I love your hair.
- I love your jacket.
- I love your nails.
- I love your boots.
- I'd love a beer.
Bye.
Love you.
How was your flight? Oh, it was fine, except Brian stared down a perfectly nice Kuwaiti family across the aisle.
They were awfully quiet.
They were sleeping.
You're the expert.
So still no barbers in Chicago, huh? No, no, no, no, it's okay 'cause you two are the cutest lesbian couple I know.
Okay, I'm not sure if that's a shot at us or lesbians.
You want me to take that bag for you? Oh, no, no, no, you guys sit and watch your game while Whitney and I do our thing in the kitchen.
All right, cool.
Oh, hey, Whitney, that's the room with the pots.
I hope everyone likes pulled pork sliders with an aioli spread, sweet potato fries, and chocolate cake with homemade vanilla ice cream.
Oh.
I made sandwiches.
We can eat the sandwiches tomorrow.
Come on, it's pulled pork.
I love pulled pork.
Good, 'cause you're gonna have plenty of chances to pull it this weekend.
Oh, they really jammed us in here.
I think it's cozy.
- Huh? - Hmm? All right.
Give me the keys.
- I'll drive.
- I don't mind driving.
Yeah, why don't you let Mark drive? It's more traditional.
- Huh? - Hmm? I'm freezing my nips off.
I'm getting in the car.
No, no, I have to sit in the back seat, or I'll get carsick.
I thought sitting in the back seat made people carsick.
Yeah, I'm an enigma.
Deal with it.
Hey, Mark.
Would you like to open the door for the lady? Oh, fine.
Thank you.
Don't just stand there.
Get in the car.
I just love this kitchen.
The island provides so much extra space.
Oh, I know.
Alex and I can both fit on here if he's on the bottom.
You are so bad.
Hey, boys, I am putting the horseradish in for the shrimp cocktail sauce.
Alex, do you like it spicy? 'Cause word in the kitchen is you do.
You know, however you want to make it is fine, Michelle.
I'm sure it'll be great.
Yeah, well, don't get your hopes up.
It's one of her weaker sauces.
Okay, well, I am done deveining the shrimp.
Is there anything more disgusting I can do? If you don't mind, can you julienne the crudites? Who's coming? - So how's work? - Ah.
Someone broke into the warehouse, stole some inventory.
Inventory means stock.
In your world, it would be like if you bought some weed, and then someone stole your weed.
You know, it must be nice.
You know, you sit here in your "office," coming up with your little ideas.
You know, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap on your computer, you know? Back up the money truck.
You probably don't even have to wear a shirt, do you? Uh, well, she makes me.
Okay, all that chest hair.
It's just a little '70s.
Um, but Alex, why don't you tell him about the new idea you're working on? - Nah.
- No, come on, tell him.
It well, basically, he's doing this offshoot of mendeavors - Yeah.
- Which is for kids, and it's, like, uploading these videos Uh-huh.
Why are you smiling? Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's just, your idea of work would get most people fired from work.
Knock, knock, who's there? Deviled eggs! - Where did those come from? - Your fridge.
I deviled our eggs? Seriously, Alex, I did not see those eggs before they appeared.
I think she laid them.
What's this? Oh, Alex spoke at Northwestern, so I framed the ticket.
Whitney, you are crafty! - I frame everything.
- Yeah, she's not kidding.
She even framed a frame.
We have framed frames.
I used to frame people.
Let me see this.
Whoa! Wow.
Got to speak at Northwestern.
Very impressive! What, did the quiet guy from Penn & Teller cancel? 'Cause a guy who can't talk is a better speaker than Alex! Oh, my God.
Brian, stop.
- What? - What is wrong with you? Why can't you just be happy for him? Why can't you just say, "hey, Alex, good job"? You know why? 'Cause you're probably jealous or insecure, or maybe it's just 'cause you're a big jerk.
So frame that.
Whoa, where did that come from? I don't know.
She really let you have it.
- What are you doing? - Turning down the heat.
You made it like an oven in here.
Yeah.
It's so hot.
Breath mint? No? Just gonna keep it "natch"? Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
So you're gonna want to cut the wheel all the way to the left, if Okay, I am a very capable driver.
I drove from Minneapolis to Chicago in a snowstorm to get away from a very unstable boyfriend.
Loves to travel.
God, now it's freezing! You don't know what freezing is.
When I was a cop, you know how many dead deer I had to drag out of frozen lakes? Animal lover.
You're not cutting the wheel hard enough.
Well, this is as far as it goes.
Yeah, let me help you turn it.
I'm telling you, it doesn't go any further! You know what, you better get your hand off that wheel, or I will chop it off.
Whoa my love my darling I've hungered for your touch a long Okay, so I'm gonna ask you a question, but I I think I already know the answer.
How come you can't just be quiet? I am not just gonna sit there and let him make fun of you like that.
If you're not gonna defend yourself, I will.
Yeah, but I don't feel like I need to defend myself, all right? When something needs defending, I'll defend it.
Oh.
Like you did with my sandwiches? We'll eat them tomorrow! Fine.
You want me to be quiet, I'll be quiet and weird like Michelle.
No, I don't want you to be weird like Michelle.
I want you to be weird like you and quiet like Michelle.
Look.
You're a part of the Miller family now, all right? And you're gonna have to accept the way we are if you want to stay in it.
Please.
You're so in love with me.
You know what, I do it with your family, okay? When your mother comes over, I pretend like it's the first time she ever told me the story about how she almost met tom Hanks.
You know what, for the record, that's not even a story.
I know! It doesn't have a middle! It doesn't have tom Hanks! All right, I want you to go back out there, and whatever your instincts tell you to do, I want you to do the opposite.
Last time I did that, I made friends.
Okay.
Why are my socks here? Did she remake our bed? 'Cause this morning, I nailed it.
Last night, I nailed it.
There she is.
How you doing, Whit? Eh, just a little embarrassed, I guess.
No, it's okay.
Everyone has their moments.
Brian, I'm really sorry that I said those things.
That was not cool.
- I said, don't worry about it.
- Oh.
Come on.
It's water under the bridge.
Come here, bones.
Oh.
Mm, skin and bones.
Okay, so everybody good? Let's, uh - why don't we eat, right? - Okay.
All right, let's eat.
So Michelle and I were talking on the way in, and we were wondering when you guys are gonna grow up and move out to the suburbs like real adults.
You know, Brian thinks that everyone who lives in the city is just an overgrown child.
What do you think, Whitney? Y you know what? The aioli that you made is just it's top-notch.
How do you do that? - Yeah.
- Whitney? I think that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I respect Brian's opinion.
Oh, thank you, Whitney.
Hey, have you guys seen Bridesmaids? 'Cause we rented it the other night.
I thought it was hysterical, but Brian well, you tell them.
Chicks are just not funny.
That's what he said.
That's exactly what he said.
- I like snow.
- Really? Wow.
Actually, I take it back.
There are two funny women in movies.
Mrs.
Doubtfire and Madea, before she got political.
What do you think about that, Whitney? I The rain's not bad either.
We are not talking about the weather, Whitney.
So um, would anyone like a beer? No! Okay.
No beers.
What are you doing? Brian is being insufferable! Ten minutes ago, you tore him a well-deserved new one, and now you're just just sitting there, chuckling like an idiot.
Who are you, Alex? Uh, uh hey.
Hay is for horses.
Now if you will excuse me! Okay, well, I'm obviously going in there.
Idiot.
Hey.
Oh, those are dirty.
I know.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
No! That was awesome.
It was like getting to see Oscar out of the garbage can.
Look, I love Brian, and we're really happy.
But sometimes he can be a bully, and it's just so cool to see you stand up to him.
Is that what I did? I blacked out.
No one ever gives it back to him, and sometimes he needs to hear that.
I mean, what happened to my badass sister-in-law? You think I'm a badass? But I'm always so tired.
Yeah, I mean, you don't give a fig about decorating or housekeeping or Okay, yeah, I give a fig.
- How a top sheet works.
- What's up? I love that you are a loose cannon, even though it means we can never bring the kids with us, because we don't know how colorful your language is gonna be or what they're gonna find in your DVD cabinet.
What do you have in there? You were right not to bring them.
Oh, but some of it is animated.
Alex, I need to talk to you about something, and you might not like it.
Can't wait.
Every time we come out here for a visit, Michelle isn't herself for, like, a week.
And I did the math, and I think it's Whitney.
Whitney? Yeah, she's a bad influence.
You need to control your woman, baby bro.
You need to control her.
- Huh.
- Yeah.
Here's the deal.
You can take shots at me, my hair, you know, where I live, my "little website.
" That's fine.
That's what we do.
But Whitney is off-limits.
- Cool? - Cool, yeah.
I mean, but you understand there's a lot of material - to work with, right? - I yes, there's a lot.
Enormous amount of material.
You know I'm happy for you, right? Well, don't make it weird, Brian.
You know, Michelle, I mean, they're brothers.
They've been like this forever.
It's not like they're gonna change anytime soon.
Then you shouldn't have to either.
Yeah, but I promised Alex that around his family I would behave.
You do that, and you're gonna wind up drinking Tequila and orange juice in a 7-Eleven parking lot playing Bejeweled just to feel alive.
I feel like you're kind of a badass too, huh? Oh, you have no idea.
I spent three hours in mall jail once.
Black Friday, the gloves come off.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
You know, this isn't that dirty.
I think this has another wearing in it, what do you think? Oh! You are adorable! Stop that.
Oh! A little more.
A little mo stop! Oh, my God! You almost hit his bumper! You know what? Forget it.
I don't even want to go anymore.
You have taken all the fun out of this day.
I don't want to go either! I will get my pants at another warehouse store.
- Fine.
- No! Nobody is going anywhere! What is the matter with you? You two are so frustrating.
You are just like this car.
Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, and you never get anywhere! I planned this whole day so that you two could finally get all your crap out of the way and realize you should just be together.
Wait a minute.
You planned this? Like a date? Is that why you said I couldn't wear my pajama pants? Oh.
I love pajama pants.
See? You guys belong together! But you keep playing these dumb games! I mean, you two have something that everyone wants.
Do you know how hard it is to find that? So stop wasting your time, stop wasting my time, and just do it already! Lily, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I've got this.
Okay? It's gonna happen when I decide it's gonna happen.
Excuse me, but I already told you that it is not going to happen.
You know what? I quit, I'm out.
You two lunatics are on your own.
Hey, Lily.
Wait a minute! Hold on a second! Mark! Ow.
Oh, my God! Honey, are you okay? "Honey"? What? It's happening just like I planned it.
No, no, no.
Just like I planned it.
- Oh, that was fun! - Yeah, it was! We should do it again in, like, a year.
Hey.
You take care of yourself, you lesbians.
And good-bye.
It's 'cause his hair is so long.
Look, I know today was hard for you, so I appreciate you showing restraint around Brian.
You gave it the good, old college try.
- Mm.
- Community college.
Can it just be me and you from now on? Oh, and Michelle too.
She made us lunches for tomorrow.
Lunches are so '90s.
- Oh, wow.
- What? She wrote us a thank-you card in calligraphy.
Oh, yeah, she teaches it to special needs kids.
Course she does.
I buy clothes made by kids.
No, you buy clothes made for kids.
So tell me the truth, do you wish that I was more, like, domestic, like Michelle? Totally honest? This works for me.
Plus, if you were more like Michelle, then you wouldn't know how to play our favorite game - Name that utensil! - Yes! - Here we go.
- The spanker! Ah.
Cheese house! Giant tweezers! - I love you.
- I love you.
Where are you going? I'm going into the bedroom.
Bring the spanker.