Workaholics s02e09 Episode Script

She'll be comin' around that Mountain she'll be comin' around that Mountain talkin' 'bout mountains, y'all she'll be comin' so hard around that Mountain when she What do you think she does? Comes.
Ooh.
Thank you.
Thank you so fucking much.
I put my name in for seven songs, so I'll be back up here again.
- Uh, yes.
- Wow.
- Instant classic.
- Wow.
- That was really scary.
- Yeah, yeah.
I was very scared there for a minute.
Honestly, you're like a crazy person.
Okay, I'm not crazy.
It's just been a crazy week, Anders.
Okay? Okay.
Brent Hoffman died.
Who's Brent Hoffman? He was my favorite cat.
You you had to put him down, huh? Uh, no, no.
He was eaten by two of my other cats.
Really hard to watch.
Hey, I really appreciate you guys coming to one of my sing-alongs finally.
- Yeah.
- It's fun.
And as a "thank you," I've got some extra tickets to the Rihanna concert this weekend.
Do you guys wanna go? - Yeah.
- That sounds fun.
Who is that, though? Yeah, I'm excited, though.
What do you mean, "who is that"? Rihanna.
She's the queen of R&B right now.
She's got that accent from the future, she's light-skinned, with the butt.
Condom in the eye, Waterfalls.
She's a classic.
She's a cla She's still around.
He has no idea.
He knows.
No, that's okay if you don't know who Rihanna is, Adam.
No, I know I want to go to the concert.
- I know who she is.
- It'll be fun.
I haven't seen a concert in forever.
Last concert I went to was that Green Day cover band, the Basket Cases.
- Pretty talented.
- That was cool.
We got high.
I'm gonna go get some more Molsons.
- You guys want one? - Yes! I would love a Molsons.
- More Molsons.
- Favorite beer.
I'm gonna go sing some Rihanna right now.
That's how much I I love her and know who she is.
- Right.
- Excited.
Do what do you think? Poker Face.
That's a hit of her's.
One word or two words? - I don't know.
- Okay, well, you don't know.
Obviously you're not fans.
You're heating on me 'cause I'm supposedly not a fan.
Not happening, chicken banger.
Okay, I'm just going for the book, so.
Yeah, around here, after 7:30, it's Alice in Chains or nothin'.
Oh, now, now.
What's your name, bud? Hey, I'm Blake.
I'm a hard rocker too, so I get it.
And I'm married, butt pirate.
Hey.
Hang on, buddy.
We're all friends, here.
No need for the name calling.
- Fuck off, Eddie Bauer! - You know what? - Whoa.
- I've got this.
You can't talk to my friends that way.
- Is that a fact? - Yeah.
I bet I can pour this beer on your head Like that.
Oh! Hey, come on, that's a That's a perfectly good Molson.
Hey, shit-head! Try that again, and this is gonna happen to your dick.
Yeah, that's right.
That's your ding-dong in two pieces! Oh, I want you to hit me so bad right now! Just fucking hit me! - Get out of here, you pussy! - Yes, ma'am.
Here.
Yes, "yes, ma'am.
" Now, get out of here pussy.
Here you go.
You want to sing something, Adam? - No.
- No.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- It's okay.
- Adam, come on.
- I feel stupid.
No, we're gonna ge- we'll dry you off.
- I know, he's very dumb.
- I feel stupid! Let's go to the bathroom.
Come on.
I would have DDT'd that dude, but I pulled my back this morning farting.
I farted really hard.
I don't know about fighting anymore, you know? If you hit somebody, and you kill them by accident, you're flying con air.
You couldn't have fought that dude.
You're guarding all the Molsons.
I had to guard the Molsons.
If Jillian wouldn't have been such a fight hog, we would have scared that dude something no-nonsense.
He was intimidated.
- What was that? - He was intimidated at first.
Guys, come on.
We got punked.
And we got saved by a girl.
We might as well cut our nuts off, and turn them in to the dude sheriff, 'cause we don't deserve these badges that we call testicles.
We should just give our balls to that guy.
- Yeah.
- I mean, he's a man.
He probably has three balls.
He definitely had horrible B.
O.
I think that's a sign of giant balls.
- Rank.
- Lucky.
Testosterone stinks.
I smell like flowers.
These hands of mine are so soft.
It's like Chinese silk ribbon.
It's weird.
They've never done anything manly in my whole stupid life.
Not one thing.
I pet a llama once.
That's the manliest thing I've ever done.
That was cool, though.
We went to that petting zoo.
All those cute ducks.
They were scary.
Guys, this is what I'm talking about.
We're going to petting zoos when we should be slitting the throats of those animals.
Yeah, we should slit throats of animals.
We should be hunting or, like, pulling marlins out of the ocean or, like, doing What do men do? - We should go camping.
- Yes.
- At the Brianna concert.
- Yes.
No, Rihanna is out.
We cannot go to We cannot be seen at a Rihanna concert, guys.
No, I've got the perfect thermos.
We gotta hunt! We have to go and kill something! Hopefully not an innocent something.
I don't like killing innocent animals.
We'll pick on the animals that obviously deserve it.
First thing's first.
Let's go buy some guns.
What do you mean that there's a ten-day waiting period? That doesn't seem real.
We have the right to bear guns.
I know that's a fact.
That's one of the commandments.
Dude, it's the law.
If a man disrespects you in a bar and pours a beer on your head, you have the right to shoot that man.
Shut up.
God, gimme a gun! Just gimme a gun, man! All right.
All right.
So, we can't have guns.
We just need weapons that can kill things, and money is no object.
I've got a credit card, so let's make it happen.
- Do you have one of these? - Mm-hmm.
It's pretty inten You should get one.
Not bad.
Plus, I get Dannon points.
- Ooh.
- I'll be stackin' dairy, homie.
Oh, mama! Dude, look at the craftsmanship of this bow.
The guy behind the counter, he said that this is the same one they used to light the torch at the Lillehammer Olympics.
Ooh, nice.
- I think that was Muhammad Ali.
- My dad's gonna flip.
But I'm not sweating it.
'Cause this crossbow's gonna shoot a bow so hard it's gonna explode a deer's head.
Git 'er done.
Yeah, git 'er "dune.
" Thank you for the vest, by the way.
I feel like I'm in SWAT.
Colin Farrell "Get at me! Get at me!" L.
L.
Cool J, "get at me!" And Ders, thank you for charging this to the game.
Oh, what? Whale Wars? Just friggin' harpoon guns? I don't know how it works yet, but - Yeah.
That's not how.
- Yeah.
Wait, so now you're on board to hunt? I thought you weren't really down for it.
Yeah.
Yeah, but fish aren't animals.
They're like the rodents of the sea.
Actually, I wouldn't I wouldn't mind if we just cemented over the ocean.
I hate fish.
Speaking of oceans, who wants to take a dip? Oh! - Yeah, now we're talking.
- Here we go.
Get in.
Get in.
Don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid to swoop.
I feel like such a man right now.
Oh.
Guys, you might wanna start small, - because I just put a piece in - Oh.
- And I'm already buzzing.
- Whoo! Is that mint, or is that just, like, coffee? I'm buzzing really hard right now.
That's good.
Oh, my brain hurts a little.
I'm tingling.
We should s'go right now.
S'go! - S'go! - Yeah.
Ooh.
Yeah, baby! Oh, this song - Actually sucks pretty bad.
- Very loud.
Yeah, it's very intense.
This is what men listen to.
Yeah! This is like Satan's lullaby.
It's brutal! It's masculine! Yeah.
Who wants margs? - I would love a marg.
- I'll take a marg.
Man marg.
It's not strawberry, I hope you don't mind.
It's just traditional.
That's cool.
That's cool.
I'm okay with that.
He also said, "rocks," but whatever.
You know, men, they Sometimes they don't get what they want, and they deal with it.
- They deal.
- 'Cause we're men.
Who the heck brought lettuce on this trip? Men don't eat lettuce! - I didn't pack lettuce.
- Men don't eat lettuce.
But I will put some Lawry's salt on these burgers.
Lawry's.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I like that, man.
- Yo, Blaze.
- Huh? You about ready to take the wheel up here? - Learn the how-tos of drivin? - Huh? I mean, you had your learner's permit about seven years, bud.
I'll just do that later.
Hey, come on.
Changing subjects.
Who wants some waffles and ice cream? Oh, I know I do.
But I'll take my ice cream first, because real men eat dessert first.
Dessert first! Dessert first! Dessert first! Dessert first! Dessert first! Dessert first! Dessert first! There's supposed to be a forest preserve up here.
Got to be pretty good hunting.
There's a bike path.
I figure we can just shoot shit right off that.
You think a mountain lion would fit on the roof of the `Vo? Minus the head, of course, 'cause I've already exploded that off.
- Right.
- Gears of War style.
The `Vo can handle anything you throw at it.
Yeah.
Just don't throw anything at it, please.
Wait.
Ah, Ders, come on! Dude, what're you doing? I'm not doing anything.
You got did you put gas in it? - Yes.
- Okay.
The steering Everything just went out.
- Just it stopped.
- Oh, no.
Should we go look at this thing? Yeah, let's do it.
Ders, here, take your Margarita.
I want you to stay liquidated.
It's hot.
Well, she looks damn good.
Yeah.
Well, you know, it might be the non-American engine.
They're a little weaker overseas.
American muscle, now, that's where it's at.
- I want to agree with you - Yeah.
Except this is Swedish-engineered, so you're kind of wrong.
- Mm.
- Ooh.
But I'll call AAA, see if they can tow her down to Sven's garage.
- No, n-n-n-n-no! - No.
Come on.
Gonna let somebody else put their hands on your baby? - Yeah, we're a couple of men.
- Yeah.
- Men work on cars.
- Okay.
I think I'm gonna t the men a couple of burgers, all right? 'Cause I know my two little grease monkeys are gonna get a little appetite worked up.
Daddy's hungry.
Yeah.
Hey, why don't we get a full-on pop-dog? We're working with a semi-pop-dog right now.
- Coming right up.
- We're at a half-pop.
We need to be a full-on pop-dog, yo.
- Full-pop coming right up.
- Full pop-doggie.
And, the hood popped! No, you popped the trunk there.
- I know.
- Do you not know how to No, I know.
I got a sweatshirt.
It's gonna get cold soon, you know? We're gonna be out here.
I think it's We're at a half-pop-doggie right now.
- I wanna go to the full pop.
- I know, I know, I know.
If I recall, in my auto training, when I was 16, there's a Secret latch.
Ha-ha! Oh! Yes! - Secret latch? - Whoo! Did you see that, Blake? Um, Ders, secret latch? Secret latch.
This guy knew about secret latches.
- Unbelievable.
I'm blown away.
- It's crazy.
So, what do we got here, right? - What are we looking at? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna go right off the bat and say it's the carburetor.
- Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's a That's a pretty good assumption.
Yes.
But quite frankly, I think you're wrong.
I think it's the gasket.
- Mm.
- Yeah, that gasket That's weird right there.
This whole region right here is looking a little funky.
You know what, we might need a new region.
Oh, come on.
Now, regions are common problems in Volvos.
- Possibly.
- Don't say that.
I do know one thing is for sure.
It's not the battery zone, and I got some burgers to prove it.
Ooh, that's true.
And we got margaritas to prove it.
Battery's working great.
And we have waffles to prove it, and then we had the iPod dock also proving it.
Jamming.
It's probably the battery zone.
It's the battery.
We wore down the battery.
Here we go! - Oh! - Okay.
We can do it! Put some glute into it! - Yeah.
- Here we go.
Oh, this is cool! I'm glad we didn't call AAA and took fate into our own hands like Conan.
Ow, ow.
I got it.
Anchor.
Holy Moly, look at this classic.
Yeah, she's pretty, got nice lines, but nothing on the Swedish meatball here.
Yeah.
That is American muscle.
That car fought in Vietnam.
All right, men.
Here's my credit card.
Go get some man snacks.
- Yeah.
- Pay for the battery.
I'm gonna go, uh, rap with the engineer here.
- See what he can tell me.
- You got it.
Oh, get some, uh, beef jerky.
But not the peppered.
I've got acid reflux.
Wash your window for $1.
57.
Are you gonna buy beer with it? No.
Oh, well, then, I'm sorry.
Our money's actually for beer.
I'm gonna get schnapps.
- Yeah, schnapps.
Cool, cool.
- Yeah.
Awesome.
- We love booze too.
- A dollar.
- Oh, I don't have any money.
- No cash.
Do you have a card swiper? 'Cause I'll give you I'll give you, like, $1,000.
No.
We'll look for a hat for you.
- Yeah.
- We'll get you a hat.
That's why homeless people should have card swipers.
They should.
I'd make a great homeless person.
I'd just carry a card swiper.
Thanks a lot, Mike.
I'd tip you, but my buddy's got my credit card, so.
Hey-oh! And the Snacksters are back-Ders! Whoa.
How was the battery swap educational? Uh, he didn't let me watch, but he's got a super-cool iguana inside.
- What? - Really? - Yeah, you should check it out.
- Cool.
What'd the battery run me? Mmm I don't know.
It was, like, two, or three, or 200 bu I think it was, like, 100 bucks.
I don't know, money's not a thing to me anymore.
'Cause I just charged to the game.
Yeah, now with that credit card, you can get whatever you want, whenever you want, and it's all, like, free, basically.
Yeah, it's awesome.
All right, guys, about the credit card Just a guideline - Ride to the north! - Yeah! Okay, going north.
If you're a viking, and you scream that with a beard, - that's manly.
- Whoo! Wait.
Oh, grab your guns! Grab your guns! Oh, is this is this the little guy we're gonna get? Yeah, we're gonna kill this dude.
Just get your thing.
Holy Moly, she's a thick bitch.
- She is.
- A worthy adversary.
That's why I'm gonna string up and go for her first.
Yeah, right, Ders.
First come, first kill, bud.
I don't know, guys.
It's just a dude diving in a dumpster.
We've all been there.
Blake, it's cute.
It's a cute raccoon.
Doesn't mean it doesn't deserve to die, because I'm a man.
Stop shaking and take the shot.
I'm not nervous right now.
I didn't say you were nervous.
Well, I'm not, then.
Shh, quiet.
There's animals.
Oh, hey! Hey! - Oh, my God! - That was awesome! - You saved my girl catcher.
- What? That's what I'm calling my face now"The girl catcher.
" Hey, Cassie, I got you some corn nuts.
You killed my raccoon.
No, sir, back up.
We're hunting here, okay? Yeah, we're hunting, it's cool! Adam, finish him.
Babe-ality.
- Good call.
Babe-ality.
- Be humane.
I'm just gonna swiftly sever the spinal cord.
- Save the good meat, you know? - Mm-hmm.
That's my Cassie! Oh, is that why it has a collar? I was I was wondering why it had a col - Oh, it's yours.
- Oh, thank God.
She's still breathing.
I don't know about that.
That might be the rigamorphis.
That was a really good hunting kick.
- That was a death-blow, for sure.
- Thank you.
- Guys, guys, it's his pet.
- Yeah, sorry about that.
I'm just saying.
Give me your car keys! I'll take her to the vet.
Or we could let her die with dignity next to the trash can, and then honor her legacy by mounting her on the hood of the `Vo.
- Yeah.
- That's a good idea.
- Honor, legacy - Honor, dignity Give me the keys! Look, sir, you can't just yell at us.
We're three tough men.
And if you want the keys, you're gonna have to go in my pocket and get it yourself.
Yeah, yeah.
Don't think I don't know how to reload this thing, 'cause I [strains.]
I do Yeah, and I'm, uh, buzzing pretty good, so just buzz off, Buzzter.
Shut up! You tried to kill the only thing that means anything to me in this [Bleep.]
World.
Now, gimme your car keys or I'll rip your dicks off and [Bleep.]
You in the holes that it leaves.
She takes premium! Well, there goes our man trip.
Thought you got it fixed.
This is a stick! It is? Well, which one of you little Is gonna come along and teach me how to drive? I can't, legally.
Yeah, I have a lot of DUIs.
- I'll go - Come on! Guys, if I die, spread my ashes at the Pasadena aquatic center! - Okay.
- You have to pop the clutch.
And at my funeral, play Kells! Okay, use the clutch.
We should have fought that dude, man! What is this weekend all about if we're still gonna be giant pussies? Yeah, I know, but he said, "A hole.
" I shut down.
Real men would have stood up for themselves and fought the man, but we're not real men, we're little boys! I know.
What should we do? Maybe call our dads, or Karl? No, man! We got to save Ders! That's what we got to do! But we better act fast.
He's probably making Ders give him road head.
That feels good right there.
Tell me when to pop.
No, just Just do it when you feel it.
Well, here it comes.
Go! - See? - Yeah.
- That's changing gears.
- Yeah.
My dad taught me the same way.
He put his hands on my feet, showed me how to work it.
You swear you've never done this before? Scout's honor.
Well, you're damn good.
I'm impressed.
Well, you're a damn good teacher.
I I appreciate your patience.
How's Cassie? She's gonna be all right.
I think she's okay.
And again, I'm sorry about that.
When I kicked her, I didn't know she was your pet.
It's just, me and my guys, we set out on this man weekend to be, like, hunters, and prove something to ourselves, when truth be told, I'd rather be at home drinking boon's farm and just bumping some Jamie Foxx, man.
Jamie Foxx? - Yeah, yeah.
- What? Yes, I like Jamie Foxx.
Yeah, me too! You realize you're kind of like Jamie Foxx in that movie collateral right now? - Oh, my God, I am.
- Yeah! That's so cool! - And that's you're tom cruise.
- Yeah! Oh, man.
- This is so cool.
- Oh, yeah, this is cool.
God, they make the best movies together.
They need to do more.
I gotta shift again.
- Yep, go into third.
- Ready? I feel badass! Yeah, 'cause we are badass right now! This is so badass! But I've never driven before.
I don't know if I can do it.
Ders' life is in our hands, okay? You got to step up to the streets, man.
Let's just catch up to 'em.
Daddy Demamp will take care of the rest.
All right.
Buckle up.
We're about to get nuts.
I got dry-roasted, but they only had cashew hal halves! Yeah! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! I'm doing it! - I'm doing it! - Yeah! Hey, you ever see that Jamie Foxx special, uh, I might need security? You ever see that? What do you think, Doug? Bo-wow-wow! Bo-wow-wow! "I got the flag, player, I got the flag.
" There she blows.
Aye aye.
Yo! - That's my buddies.
- Hey! Where did you get that car? Check it out! No, don't! Ders says that dude is trying to kill him! I'm glad we made it here before he got bludgeoned! Yeah, well, you know, when you got Uncle Blazer behind the wheel, things tend to go un-bludgeoned! - Hey, what's he doing? - I don't know! I'm Jamie Foxx and he's tom cruise! Yeah! Get up close! I'm gonna shoot out the tire! Yes.
You're okay to fire! I'm yeah, I'm going to, okay? It's very windy up here! Yes, I know! We'll get snacks later! I got I'm not nervous! Damn it! Keep it steady in here, dude! Come on, man, I'm a first-time driver.
I'm like a student driver, basically.
You're doing a great job, okay? Yeah, thanks, man.
You're out of ammo! Here, take this! Ooh, I like that.
Adam, Ders needs you.
He saved your girl catcher.
Thanks for calling it that, man.
Kill shot! Okay, downshift.
No! Dude! Are you all right? Oh! I'm good.
I'm good.
That didn't even hurt.
- What? - That didn't even hurt.
It looked like it hurt, but it didn't even.
Okay, all right, we'll do a little bit of this here.
- Follow this.
- Yeah.
- Follow this.
- Yeah, I'm yeah, I am.
- Okay, he's all right.
- Good to go! Whoo! All right, man, let's kick this dude's ass, man! - No, no, no, guys! Guys! - Yes! Guys, come on, relax.
His name's Doug.
He's cool, okay? Smoothed things over.
I was just gonna take him to the vet and co back and get you guys, but what are you doing? We're we were, uh, gonna come back as heroes and save your ass, uh, though.
Yeah, and, uh, I drove the car though.
- What? - Yeah.
And we bought a car with your credit card though.
You what? Well, you're gonna get lots of yogurt though.
Look, we're not cut out for this guys' stuff.
Can I just say that out loud? Hey, what the heck? This might not be our will forte, who knows? It definitely isn't.
We're no MacGrubers.
Okay, so why don't we just go get Doug, and kick it with his brother, who owns a wiener-schnitzel? He said he'd hook us up right now.
- What? - Yeah, I'm starving.
Yo, Jamie! Wow-wow-wow! What are you doing? Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! - Tom! - Tom? I mean, Doug! Well, there goes our Chili cheese dogs.
Ah, it's okay.
Let's go to a bar.
Let's go get drunk.
I'm ready to go.
I'm okay, I'm good to go.
I'm good to go right now.
- Okay, shh.
- Whoo! I think I got a better idea.
Oh, my gosh, you guys.
Rihanna tore the roof off that mothersucker tonight.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, she did! She's good! By the way, guys, no more Kells.
I want Rihanna's Take a Bow played at my funeral.
Good call.
She was whipping her Booty like nothing I've ever seen before.
I think I can do that.
Take it down, you idiot.
Oh, looks like we got a r-r-rude boy.
Go home.
You're acting like children.
Jillian? Excuse me, boys.
Sir, you've got about five seconds to get out of here, before I beat your ass in front of your ugly, funky-butt children! Yeah! They called me the "Dad Ruiner" in high school! - What? - Rihanna! What now? What now?