Z Rock (2008) s02e09 Episode Script

Paulie: Previously on "Z Rock" What is it you want? I want to get back to that place we were at.
- I've missed you.
- Congratulations! You have a real recording contract.
I want Z Brothers in the studio as soon as possible.
You knew that this was for ZO2.
Well, ZO2's cool, but the money is in Z Brothers.
Dina: Don't sign anything.
We just signed a contract for John Popper.
David: Is there anything we can do to get out of this? There is something I want.
Remember how I told you never to fuck Kitty Braunstein again? Yeah.
Well, now you gotta fuck Kitty Braunstein again.
- This is your Z Brothers contract.
- Yes! (all cheering) Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for: The signing of ZO2.
But before we sign these guys, we're gonna see their first video here.
- Fuck me, David.
- Come on.
Give it to me, harder! Payback's a bitch.
(laughing) What the hell is going on with you? - Hello? - You didn't hear that? We're in Central Park.
Yes, I hear a lot of things.
No no no no.
That wasn't a natural park sound, okay? Look, I know this may sound crazy all week crazy shit has been happening to me.
(both) Like what? I've been getting phone calls in the middle of the night.
I pick up.
No one answers.
Then at the hot-dog vendor, the guy gives me the hot dog.
He goes, "Here's your hot dog, sir.
" They never say, "Here's your hot dog.
" - Why would he say that? - Did you order a hot dog? Yes, but they just give it to you.
I'm telling you, I think I have a stalker.
Dude, why would you have a stalker? Jimmy Page had a stalker.
Listen to me.
You do not have a stalker.
- You don't know that.
- Woman: Paulie! - Oh my God, who's that? - Paulie.
- What? - Paulie, Paulie, there you are.
(baby talk) Yes, you're my little baby.
How did you get away from Mommy, hmm? Yes.
(kissing) Will you relax? It's a dog.
Dude, that could've been a real stalker.
- You don't have a stalker.
- That was a fluke, okay? What do you think, there's, like, people hiding behind every tree, waiting to get you? - Are you crazy? - I'm just on edge.
(harmonica screeching) Please tell me you heard that.
Yeah, that's not a natural park sound.
Hello, boys.
Oh my God, it's John Popper! Run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
- (rock music playing) - We're a Brooklyn band It's rock 'n' roll we live But to pay the rent We gotta play for kids Yeah Are you ready? Are you ready to start the show? Z Rock coming Here we go.
Kids: Z Rock! Guys, guys.
Just keep walking and ignore him.
The maniac's still following us.
Hey, what the hell did I ever do to you? Did you just ask that question? You got some balls, man.
Let's start with the fact that you lied to us from day one.
Then you tricked us into signing some shitty record contract.
And you wouldn't let us out of that shitty record contract.
How about you posted a video of me banging Braunstein's wife, which you made me do? Guys, this is the music business.
I actually treated you pretty well.
Oh, thanks, great.
Let me make it up to you.
My name is John and I'm an alcoholic and a sex addict and a drug addict.
Look, I'm in 12 steps.
One of the steps is to make amends.
I want to make it up to you.
How can I make it up to you? - Can you get us a record contract? - No.
- Thank you.
- Goodbye.
But I can get Paulie an audition for the lead in "Rock of Ages.
" Wait a second.
- The Broadway musical? - Yes.
Come on, let me buy you guys lunch.
We'll talk about it.
Free lunch? That's a decent way to start making amends.
There we go.
We'll listen to what you have to say, but we gotta call Dina, all right? - She has to be there.
- I would have it no other way.
I need to make amends with her too actually, but I'm a little worried she's gonna be angry at me.
Don't worry about Dina.
She's the classiest lady we know.
Oh, don't roll your eyes at me, you ball-licking motherfucker.
I know you can seat me when my whole party's not here, you pig-fucking bastard.
- And hang up my coat, douche.
- Uh, Dina.
Oh, hey, guys.
How are you? Popper.
All right, my party's here.
You think you can seat everyone now, you slack-jawed imbecile? Move move move.
Dance, angel.
- This way.
- Oh, Popper.
What is it you want, you bloated fuck? I'm here because I'm John and I'm an alcoholic and a sex addict and a drug addict.
I want to try to make amends.
Duh duh, and bite me.
I miss you.
There's nothing I can say.
All right, John, you remembered I like red lilies.
- They're very nice.
- I remember you like red lilies.
I remember you love the smell of freshly-slaughtered goat meat.
I remember how you like to curl up by the fire and watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" the movie, not the TV show.
Well, the TV show sucks.
I miss you.
All right, so you did always get me.
Okay, let's have lunch.
Guys, I really want to apologize.
I've done some terrible things vile, unspeakably evil, disgusting things.
I once took a Komodo dragon out of its natural habitat.
Well, it's not that bad.
And then I fucked it.
But of all the things that I've done, what bothers me most is what I've done to you guys.
That's why I got Paulie this audition.
I made a call to my friend Lou.
He's a producer over at "Rock of Ages.
" Isn't that guy from "American Idol," that Constantine dude isn't he the lead on that? Well, they gotta recast because Constantine apparently flaked out.
I don't know where he is.
He's gone AWOL.
He's disappeared.
- Really? - Yeah.
Paulie: I'm gonna be honest with you guys.
I would love to do it.
I really would.
But I can't turn my back on the band, right? Freak, it's a great opportunity.
I don't think you can get the part, but you should try at least.
I mean, if if you guys are cool with it.
- Dina: I'm onboard.
- Yeah, I think you should do it.
Freak, I always have your back.
You know that.
- All right, I'm in.
- Great.
So look, do me a favor then.
When we're done with this, you guys help me pick out a song? Leave that to me.
I'll get you prepared.
And I was hoping maybe after this, I could take you to go snooping around the seaport.
"Snooping around the seaport.
" You deviant bastard.
Okay.
- (Dina chuckles) - I love this place.
Gotta admit, when you said, "Snoop around the seaport," I thought it was a euphemism for sex.
Hah.
Oh my God.
- John.
- That's funny.
I guess you have changed.
- You know what we should do next? - What? We should go on the carousel.
Oh, I love the carousel.
It really brings out the little girl in me.
You can ride the unicorn.
The unicorn, yay.
Ride that unicorn, baby.
You know, baby, sometimes it's hard to tell when you're being euphemistic.
- (laughing) - Whoohoo! Day and night Day and night.
- Freak.
- Right.
That's important.
You gotta do the hand.
- Yeah, they always do that.
- Why are we here while you do this? I thought we're supposed to just pick a song.
Yeah, we are gonna pick a song.
David: Look, it doesn't matter what song you sing.
You got a killer voice.
They're gonna know it.
What you should be practicing is the overall presentation because you're doing Broadway.
In a musical there's singing and there's dancing.
- You mean like jazz hands? - You need jazz everything.
- Dude.
- Oh You know, some of this uh uh uh.
- What the hell is that? - You know what I mean? - Let me help you out.
- This is necessary? It's Broadway.
Let me see your jazz feet.
Five, six, seven, eight.
And (rhythmic clapping) No no.
You look like you had hip replacement surgery.
I said jazz feet.
Out, back.
Out, back, mm.
Out, back.
Out, back.
You gotta sing all at the same time.
- Day and night - Good.
- Day and night - Smile smile.
- Day and night - Higher higher.
- Day and night - You got it, freak.
On that note, I'm gonna watch the Yankees.
I think you're gonna do good.
- You led me on - Hey hey.
Oh my God, it's true.
My friend Paulie's gonna be the next Broadway star.
I'm trying, man.
I could use a little help though.
Well, I'm gonna make sure you get that help because I went in my attic today and I took down the box of all my favorite Broadway musicals.
- No shit? - Nope.
I can borrow these? Borrow? No no.
We are gonna hang out tonight together.
We're gonna pull out some of the best music, the best dancing, and you are gonna nail this audition.
Aw, dude, are these with the original cast? No, not exactly.
There's a cast and it's pretty original.
Me and a couple of the guys from my old neighborhood, we would just come home after school and go in the basement with a camera and just reenact these musicals.
We took some artistic liberty in some of them.
"Cats" is one of my favorites because no one could wear clothes.
We're all cats and we're just crawling around on the floor and - Jesus.
- Got "Les Mis.
" A bunch of guys in rags.
That's exciting.
"Rent" I believe is only half done because, uh, a little gay a little gay for my tastes.
- All right, get out.
- We were acting.
Come on, get out.
Hey, Neil.
Neil.
Neil.
- Whoa! - Fuck! Shit.
Whoa, Dina.
- What was that? - Holy shit.
You don't sneak up on a man who's buffing a floor.
That's how Bruce Lee died.
I just came by to find out if we could swap dates for the upcoming gig because Paulie has that audition.
Oh, the Broadway thing.
Yeah yeah, that's fine.
I kind of have something else I need to talk about.
I, uh I think I'm in love with John Popper.
Wow.
Here's the deal: He knows the crazy weird part of me and he doesn't care that I like goat meat.
I think he could be the one like the one I would actually keep a baby for.
Oof.
- Uh, goat meat? - It's good.
Well, you know what, Dina, I have advice for you.
- You do? - If you love this guy if you really love him you'd never say a word.
What you do is you spend a lot of time making awkward comments and weird gestures that you say are jokes, and then you wait till one magical, drunken, geeked-out after-show party when he falls asleep with his gigantic mouth wide open and his curly hair just tressed all over his shoulders, and then you drop your balls right in his mouth.
This isn't about me anymore, is it? Well, it's a loose analogy.
It kind of applies to everybody.
I'm gonna go to lunch with Popper and the boys.
- You wanna go? - Yes, I do.
- Yes, I do.
- Great.
John: I love this place.
This has the best spicy tuna hand rolls in the city.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Hi.
How are you? - Hey, Dina.
- Hey hey hey.
- Yo.
- What's up, guys? - Hi, fatty.
Aw, man, I love this place.
You know this is the only sushi place in town where you can get a happy ending? - Paulie: What? - You're kidding.
You see all these, like, hot Asian chicks walking around? - Yeah.
What were you gonna do? - Nothing.
You leave them alone.
It's Kyoko, the spicy tuna roll guy.
You catch him at the right time of night with a couple of bucks in your pocket, he'll make it happen.
Figures.
John, I think you remember our classy friend Neil.
- Yeah, I remember you.
- How you doing? - Great to see you again.
- Cool.
Eh, by the way, I talked to Lou, the producer of "Rock of Ages.
" You're all set for the audition Saturday afternoon.
Whoa, no no no no.
I can't do Saturday afternoon.
We have a birthday party.
We're not gonna let a great opportunity like this go by just because of a kids' party.
We're just gonna have to find a temporary replacement for you.
- You know what, I'll do it.
- Really, baby? I know all their songs from when I used to own these guys.
- Thank you so much, man.
- That would mean a lot to me, John.
I would do absolutely anything for you.
You mean it, huh? You really would do anything for me? Of course I would.
Oh my God, John Popper, are you asking me to marry you? No no, I dropped my spicy tuna roll on the floor.
(boys sigh, chuckle) But since I'm down here - Holy - Dina Malinski, will you marry me? What? Does that mean yes? It means I'll think about it.
(David gasps) Oh man, that is a happy ending, huh? Kyoko, handjobs for all my friends.
Joan: I don't understand.
Why are we sampling cake? Because if I marry John, I wanna know what cake I want.
Wait a second.
John Popper? - The harmonica player? - From Blues Traveler.
With the vest? Ugh, oh God.
Here's the thing, Aunt Joan.
We're so mismatched, I just is it too weird? I just feel like maybe he's You know, if you think he's the one, you go for him.
Even though he's kind of gross? I made a terrible mistake once.
Do you remember the show "Fantasy Island"? Yes, of course.
I had a big thing with with someone on "Fantasy Island.
" Ricardo Montalban? - I love him.
- Lower.
- Lower? - Lower.
Tattoo? He was so much more than just Tattoo.
I don't even know his name.
Hervé Villechaize.
Really? You were in love with him? And was the sex good? Because the sex is good with John.
- The sex was great.
- It's weird, but it's good.
He was a sweaty he was like a a little vibrator.
He'd go go go, and then when we were finished, I'd just put him away in the drawer.
- Oh, I loved him, I loved him.
- Gross.
- I let him go.
It was my fault.
- Why? Because one night he got rolled up in the blankets and I couldn't find him for a couple of days.
And it killed him.
It killed his pride.
He left me for a Mexican woman who slept in a hammock.
But I didn't fight for him.
That's so sad, Aunt Joan.
That's why if you wanna be happy, you be happy.
Is that why you brought me here? Are you here to get my blessing? Who's gonna pay for the wedding? John.
- You got my blessing.
- Aw, you're the best.
- (knocking) - John: Just a minute.
Ah, Paul! - How's it going? - Dude, all right.
I have to bounce all these ideas off you.
My brain is going to explode.
Now I'm thinking I should do a ZO2 song for the audition, but I'm not sure.
Does that make sense to do my own song? Or should I do, like, a classic like "Les Mis" Poppsy, I found the syrup and the ketchup.
We're gonna make pancakes and hot dogs.
You know, this isn't a really good time for me.
You can come back later.
Oh! Okay.
I'm sorry.
- (cell phone ringing) - I'm gonna go now.
- Thanks, baby.
- All right, you guys have fun.
- Bye.
- Shit.
What? What is it? The family that hired us for the party this Saturday they might have to cancel because the venue fell through.
- Damn it.
- We need that.
Damn it.
That's a lot of money.
Fuck.
Oh, I know.
Can we do it here, baby? You said you want to make amends, right? Isn't this, like, a step in the 12 steps - Um to have a party at your house if someone needs a party? You know what, you got it.
I'm happy about this.
I'm gonna tell them right now I got another place.
All right, have fun with your little, uh, cuisine and I'll see you later.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye.
(clanging) What the fuck is that? I've been meaning to talk to the super.
There's something wrong with the pipes.
- Want me to curse him out? - No, I got it.
It'll be all right.
All right, baby, so what do you want for brunch: Pancakes or hot dogs? - Both.
- (shrieks) Okay, next up is Jason.
Oy.
All right, kid, let me do you a favor.
Show biz not really for you.
So why don't you go home and build a bomb in your mother's basement? No, for real, go.
Go go go.
Go.
Go build a bomb.
There you go.
And next up is Steven.
That's you? You could stay.
- You got good guns.
Get in there.
- Yes.
- Paulie, right? - Yes, sir.
I recognize you from Popper's description.
- How you doing? - Oh, hey, I'm doing great.
Nice to see you.
Thanks for coming.
- So, uh, how's it going so far? - Yeah yeah, it's going not so good.
I think I set the bar pretty high here.
But between me and our rock 'n' roll consultant, there is no pleasing anybody.
Wait, so you have a rock 'n' roll consultant? - Oh, yeah yeah yeah.
- That's great.
- Marky Ramone right over there.
- What? Hey! Sorry about that, kid.
He does that to everybody.
But sit down.
We'll be right out.
I'll talk to you soon.
Marky, get off the phone, will you? Let's go.
(sighs) All right, so the next one is real simple.
It's a 1-4-5 progression for the verse with a secondary dominant for the turn into the prechorus.
And at that point we'll be in D Mixolydian.
You know, so you can do, like you can riff over in A Dorian if you want.
We're we're still talking about "Ice Cream Pony," right? Yeah.
Look, I got all your songs down.
I know the Z Brothers stuff.
If you guys don't mind, there's a song I really wanna try opening with.
It's a real positive song that I've written and it's for kids.
- You wrote a kids' song? - Yeah.
While I was going to rehab, I really came up with some stuff that I think will help some kids make some better decisions than I did.
That's commendable.
But I'll see you guys out there.
I have to go clean my harmonica out.
He wrote a kids' song in rehab? That makes me nervous.
David: We're surrounded by kids.
What could he possibly do to embarrass us? - Sure.
Good point.
- (toilet flushes) Whoo, it's a boy! (farts) (girl screams) (retching) I think I could taste it.
Ew! What? So by cleaning out your harmonica you meant take a dump? - Well, l I cleaned it.
- Are you scaring the kids again? That's disgusting.
- You're still cute though.
- It was terrible.
(clanging) - What the hell is that clanging? - Don't you got something to do? Get back to work.
Don't break my balls.
I'm on break.
Nice language, prick.
There's kids here.
Paulie: Why are you so nervous? Why are you so nervous? You're gonna kill this.
All right, thanks for coming in, kid.
We'll call you.
What are you thanking him for? It sucked.
- I got ear-fucked to death over there.
- What are you talking about? - The guy sucked.
- See what I gotta put up with? I hope Popper's right about you, kid.
I gotta replace this Constantine.
He's a flaky motherfucker, but he sings like an angel.
- Hope you do too.
- Wait wait wait wait.
Mr.
Ramone? Hi.
I just wanna say it's an honor to meet you.
- I'm actually from Brooklyn.
- Who gives a fuck? Uh, I was kind of hoping you would, but All right, kids.
Settle down, settle down.
- (chattering) - Settle down.
My, uh I don't know what the hell to say.
Tell them something about yourself.
My name is John Popper and I'm an alcoholic, a sex addict, and a drug addict.
(room falls silent) Um so this is a lot easier when there's 50,000 people for some reason.
This this is a tough crowd here.
If that idiot Paulie can do it, you can do it.
Come on.
Hi, my name's Paulie Z.
I was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York.
Enough with the fuckin' Brooklyn already.
Sorry.
I'm half Colombian, half Jewish.
So I'm sort of a Jewlombian, heh.
(imitates rim-shot) - Shut the fuck up and sing.
- Okay, sorry.
Ahem.
In your touch I felt Aw, this is fuckin' bullshit.
- I'm gonna kill this guy.
- Marky, sit down.
- I'm gonna fuckin' kill him.
- Marky.
- Bullshit.
- Hold on one sec, Paul.
Pick up the chair.
Please, come back.
- Sorry, I didn't - Paul, let me ask you a question.
What the fuck are you doing? Um, you know, it was a little routine my brother and I worked out There's no dancing involved in this shit.
You just stand there and sing.
Constantine can't write his name.
You don't need to fuckin' dance.
Just stand there and sing.
In In your Ahem.
In y Ahem.
Kids, this is a new song I wrote.
It's called "Life is for Living.
" (folk music playing) Coke makes you broke And pot makes you rot And booze makes you lose And acid makes you flaccid - Everybody! - Coke makes you broke - David: That's right.
- And pot makes you rot - It does.
- And booze makes you lose - And acid makes you flaccid - David: Everybody stand up.
Just say no to drugs - And say yes to hugs - Joey: Hugs.
Just say no to drugs And say yes To hugs.
- David: Popper on the harm.
- (playing harmonica) David: Whoo! - All right.
- (all cheering) - Great work, you guys.
- Whoo! Baby, now I'm over you And I'm moving on I'm moving on.
Wow! Huh? You know, that was fuckin' great.
You are gonna be the next Robert Plant.
Are you kidding me? You actually liked it? It was fuckin' great.
You told me to go fuck myself, like, 200 times.
I said that because I love you.
I think I speak for everybody here when I say I think we found our next star of "Rock of Ages.
" - Definitely.
- What? What? You got it.
- Oh yeah, oh yeah.
- No no no no.
No dancing.
- No fuckin' dancing.
- All right, all right.
There is no way you're a mother.
Well, stepmother.
- What's your name? - Julia.
Julia.
Let's see.
Okay, Julia.
Baby, you are so sweet.
You have changed so much.
And that song was so wonderful.
I can't wait to be Mrs.
John Popper.
- You're saying yes? - I'm saying yes.
Oh, baby, on our wedding night I'm going to play that harmonica so hard.
You are so sexual.
No no no, I'm actually gonna play you a song on the harmonica.
You're gonna have to print out a list of your euphemisms for me.
- You got it.
- We're getting married.
We're getting married.
We are getting married.
I'm getting married.
Look, I'm getting married.
- We're getting married.
- Johnny boy, up high.
- Oh, I am so happy.
- Me too.
David: Hey, can I be the best man? Ahem.
I got the job.
Ladies and gentlemen, the new star of Broadway's "Rock of Ages": Paulie Z! - Don't dance.
No dancing.
- Congratul I'm getting married.
- Oh, mazel tov.
- Paulie: Oh my God.
- We're getting married.
- That's amazing.
Where the hell's Joey? He's in the bathroom cleaning his harmonica.
- This is a great great day.
- The best day ever.
- (clanging, breaking) - Oh, shit.
(muffled shouting) Whoa, Constantine Maroulis.
Actually it's Tony Award nominee Constantine Maroulis.
Pfft, politics.
"American Idol" can be a double-edged sword sometimes.
Well, Tony nominee Constantine Maroulis, where the fuck have you been, you flake? Where the fuck have I been? John Popper freaking kidnapped me.
- I've been in there for days.
- John: Wait wait wait wait.
First of all, I did not kidnap you.
That implies that you're underage.
This was a forcible abduction.
There's a difference.
And second of all second of all I got nothing.
I was trying to make amends.
I was trying to make amends.
- He did it for us.
- Lou: Amends? Popper, you're a goddamn sociopath.
- Well, clinically, yeah.
- Wait a second.
- I still have the part, right? - Fuck, no.
Can I at least be the understudy? - No.
- Oh my God.
Understudy to what? What are you talking about? Dude, I was the new star of "Rock of Ages.
" Dude, do you even have those notes? Are you crazy right now? I'm moving on I'm moving on.
Not bad.
- Wait, policeman, wait! - Watch your head.
Please don't take him from me yet.
John, I will wait for you.
Don't hurt him.
Honey, I will always wait for you, okay? I'm probably gonna be in jail for the rest of my life, sweetie.
Oh.
Well, maybe we should talk about seeing other people then.
Listen, if you have to be someone's bitch in jail, I get it, okay? Thanks.
Could you do me a favor and tell the guys I'm really sorry I screwed everything up? I'll tell them.
They'll understand.
You were my best time, Dina Malinski.
I've never been anyone's best time before.
I love you, John Popper! John, I love you! (theme music playing) Paulie: Ready? One, two, three.
Kids: Z Rock! Man: That's original.