According To Jim s02e10 Episode Script

Okay, that's it.
Give it a try.
Ooh! Uh-huh.
See that, Andy? Making magic for under 12 bucks.
Oh.
Check the bulbs.
Ooh! Ooh! Best part of Christmas.
Third year in a row, and they still don't know.
Ooh! Oh, baby! So he's gorgeous, an amazing dresser, and his office is right next to mine.
Gay? And married.
Cheryl, can you give me a hand? I got dog crap on my shoe.
Look at that.
Cary Grant's home.
Oh.
Okay, honey, honey.
Please, outside.
It was so weird.
I thought it was frozen like the other ones I was kicking.
- I smell Christmas cookies.
- Yeah.
Give me one.
Give me one.
And they're not for you, they're for Marilyn Crannis.
Marilyn Crannis? Yes.
As in Mrs.
Al Crannis? Yes.
Cheryl, we do not talk to those people.
Honey, come on, not this again.
Would you let it go? I don't even remember what started your stupid feud with Al.
was redoing his driveway.
He took the excess tar, dumped it in the street, I tracked it into the house and you yelled at me.
Fourth of July that following year, I celebrated our nation's birthday by putting a bottle rocket in his mailbox, you yelled at me.
Then that coming spring, Crannis' dog defecated on our front lawn, I respond in kind.
Oh.
And you really, really yelled at me.
All right.
All right, honey, honey, honey, I get it.
1999 I get it.
But Marilyn and I are friends.
And we think the two of you are acting like babies.
Oh, what do you know? Hey, hey.
What do you care? Mmm.
I know what this is about.
You wanna get invited to Crannis' stupid Christmas party, don't you? Yes, I do.
I do.
And it's not stupid, Jim.
Every year I have to listen to it across the street.
The caroling, the laughter, the conviviality.
And then I have to hear about it from all the neighbors, and I just have to nod and smile.
Well, I'm tired of it.
It hurts my neck and my face.
Slow down, Cheryl, I think he's still stuck on conviviality.
Great.
Great! So you turn on your own husband, huh? Me.
Oh, honey.
And you bake cookies with ingredients that I paid for just to get invited to some stupid party.
Or shall I call it the party of betrayal? Oh! Honey.
- Al, come on in.
Hey! - Hello, Cheryl.
Oh, you look younger every day.
Oh.
Now, what is your secret? Well Good lovin'.
What do you want, Crannis? Oh, to spend as little time as possible talking to you.
Do you know what this is? The worst ventriloquist act I've ever seen? Then I guess I need a better dummy.
Are you available? Oh.
Wait, wait, wait.
Is this the head of one of your wise men? Uh-huh.
Apparently, someone knocked it off when they backed their red truck into my nativity scene, and I'm sure it was just an accident.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's because you put your gaudy display too close to the curb, which, by the way, the city owns, you don't own.
You owe me a new wise man.
I don't owe you anything, you know that? In fact, the more I think about it, you owe me.
Oh, for what? For the last two minutes you've stolen from my life.
Ooh! Imagine trying to put a price on that.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, that's a good one I'll give you a price Bye, Al.
Say hi to Marilyn.
Cheryl, you just cut off my zinger.
I was gonna say, "A price on that? I'll give a price on that.
"Shut up!" Honey, now we're never gonna get invited to their Christmas party.
- Oh! Who needs Crannis? - Oh.
We can have our own party right here without the unpleasantness of guests.
Oh, honey, come on, I really want to go to that party.
You know what? I think you could be the bigger man, and you can go and apologize to Crannis, huh? Hmm? No way.
Oh! No.
No, I have put too much into this feud to let it end.
Besides, Easter's coming up, and in the spirit of the holiday, I'm gonna give him an Easter bunny that he thinks is chocolate.
These pants have gotten a little snug.
Amazing how the fabric shrinks just hanging in the closet all year.
All right, you're all set.
Go change.
Oh.
So you're gonna play Santa for the senior center this year? If you got a better way to get I'm all ears.
- Hey, Al.
Marilyn, come in.
- Hi.
Al has something he'd like to say to you.
Al? Uh Yes.
Marilyn and I would be delighted if you and your whole family, including Jim, would come to our annual Christmas bash.
Oh, that's great.
We'll bring wine.
See you there! Hold it! Hold it.
What's with the about-face, Crannis? Well, it's just my way of saying "apology accepted.
" Well, that takes care of that.
See you at the party.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What apology? Well, you did buy me a new wise man.
Surprisingly big of you.
You didn't? Oh, honey, it was the right thing to do.
You see? This is why they don't have women in the army.
Jim, they have women in the army.
They do? Crannis! I didn't buy you anything.
Oh, really? In fact, I wouldn't give you a piece of gum if your face were bleeding.
What? You heard me! Then I will take that as an ill-conceived and poorly executed insult.
That's right, pal.
That is exactly what it was.
Jim Fine, fine.
Then I rescind my invitation to you.
Al, please don't do this.
All right, all right, Marilyn.
Cheryl, you and the rest of your family are welcome.
Oh, thank you.
What should we bring? Uh, just yourselves.
Jim, however, should bring an apology if he wishes to join the festivities.
Oh, I'll give you apology! You want to hear an apology? Shut up! See that, Cheryl? First, the zinger, then slam the door.
Okay.
I can't believe it.
You're actually going to go to Crannis' party without me, aren't you? Yes, I am.
Well, you know what, Cheryl, I'm having a cutlery sale, Honey.
Go ahead! Oh, come on.
Look, I wish you were coming with us.
We're ready, Daddy.
Mommy said we're gonna ride on a real flying reindeer.
She was fighting me on the dress-up shoes.
A very merry, one and all.
Hey.
Oh, look at you guys, you look great.
You too.
Thank you.
Are you ready to go? Hey, buddy.
Yeah.
Hey, Cheryl, thanks for inviting me.
You know, Christmas can be such a vulnerable and lonely time for some people.
Oh, I know, honey.
Yeah.
And those sorry losers are gonna be lining up to meet you-know-who.
Oh.
Daddy, why aren't you coming with us? Oh, honey, I'm I got a bunch of Christmas stuff to do.
You go have some fun, all right? Okay.
Bye, Daddy.
Bye, Daddy.
- Bye, honey.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye.
- Oh.
Jim, if you change your mind, I'll jot down directions.
Andy, it's across the street.
No, on how to apologize.
Hey-o! Really? Get out of here.
There's nothing you're gonna do there that I can't do here by myself.
Christmas party.
Ha! Mistletoe.
Oh, Merry Christmas, Jimmy.
I, um I forgot my scarf.
Freak.
A Merry Christmas to us all, my dears.
God bless us! God bless us, every one.
A Merry Christmas to us all, my dears.
God bless us! God bless us A Merry Christmas to us all, my dears.
And after she dumped me, I got sick.
Oh.
My car broke down.
Oh, that's terrible.
What kind of car? It's my mom's.
Who wants punch? I do.
I'll get it.
Bye.
I'm telling you, you cannot make those Buckingham Palace guards laugh.
Believe me.
I've tried.
He even made his crazy face.
Do it, Al.
All right.
Oh! Stop, Al! Stop! Or I'm gonna wet my pants.
Uh-huh.
Who wants to see our new kitchen? Oh! Oh, I hear she has Internet access in her refrigerator.
Wow.
Yeah.
Why? I don't know.
Wow.
Oh.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho.
Oh, look at you.
Have you been good boys and girls this year? Well, then, why don't you go over there and grab Santa a cold beer from the ice bucket.
Oh, this is fantastic.
I didn't know the wife hired a Santa.
Huh? Yeah.
So what's the damage? Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Well A hundred bucks.
A hundred.
An hour.
An hour.
Three-hour minimum! Okay.
That's Here you are.
Oh, ho, ho Mill about and be jolly.
Whatever you people do.
Ho, ho, ho Thanks, sucker.
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Can anyone here tell Santa what the final score of the Blackhawks game was? They lost 4-3 in overtime.
Oh, ho, ho, no.
Santa had 50 bucks on that game.
Damn.
Hi, Santa! Oh.
My girls, Ruby and Gracie.
You know our names? Oh! Why, yes.
Santa knows everything.
You know how much the sun weighs? You got Santa here.
You really want to talk about that? No, no.
Okay, I want a Tammy Talks-a-Lot doll.
You got it.
How about you, baby? I want a pony.
Okay, I'm hearing two Tammy Talks-a-Lot dolls.
Does it talk a lot? Yes, it talks nonstop, just like your mommy.
- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, my lovely girls.
Oh, yes.
Are you allowed to drink beer, Santa? What are you, a cop? Yeah, I own my own business.
It's great.
Except I got my obnoxious brother-in-law working for me.
Favor to my sister.
Hey, Kringle, take a hike.
I'm this close to pay dirt.
It's your obnoxious brother-in-law.
Jim? - Is that my costume? - Relax.
Not now.
Please, please, tell me you're not wearing my unitard under there.
Oh, Jim.
Oh, shrimp.
Come back to papa here.
My beard! You're getting it in that cheese sauce! Oh, great, just like Crannis to put the good stuff far in the back.
We gotta clean this off.
I'm warning you, if this doesn't come out, I'm throwing such a hissy fit.
Oh, I'm so scared.
All right.
All right.
Easy.
Take it easy, will you? No, no, no, not in the sink, you'll clog the drain.
What? Well, what am I supposed to do? Kneel over top of the toilet.
What? Yeah.
The toilet.
Get down.
This reminds me of high school.
Remind me to leave Marilyn a note.
Will you take it easy? Oh, oh! Oh, my God! It's gone! All right, I'll get you a new one.
That's a $300 beard.
Well, I'm not gonna pay $300.
Whoa.
Overflow.
Oh, overflow.
Turn off the water! Okay.
It's not moving.
It's not moving! Damn it.
Oh! Okay.
All right.
I'm out of here.
No.
What? No.
No, no, no.
I can't have Crannis find me here.
Oh, my God! Give me a hand! Give me a hand! Give me a hand! All right.
Don't touch me there! Look out.
No! No! Thanks! I'm coming! I'd give it a minute.
I did some pretty lethal food combining tonight.
Ooh! Hello.
What're you doing back from the party so soon? Honey.
Oh, my God! You are not gonna believe what's happening at the Crannis' Did you vacuum? Cheryl, I cannot live in this filth.
Honey, listen, one of the toilets got clogged, and the whole place is flooded.
It's a mess.
Oh, wow, that's too bad.
Did you polish the silver? If not me, then who, Cheryl? Hey, honey, do you know where that space heater is? Space heater? Why do you need a space heater? Well, because we're moving the party out to the Crannis' garage.
Garage? Yeah.
Oh, Cheryl, you can't have a party in a garage.
Oh, honey.
You really don't get it, do you? What? Honey, it doesn't matter where we have the party, we just wanna stay together and celebrate.
That's what Christmas is all about.
So, space heater.
Just wait here for a minute.
Oh, my God.
The spices are in alphabetical order.
- Hey! - Very good! Oh, Jim.
Jim, old man.
Jim, old man.
Damn fine Damn fine gesture.
That was so lovely.
Oh I believe I owe you an apology.
And it's not just the eggnog talking.
It's the bourbon in the eggnog.
Oh, ho, ho Well, it takes a big drunk man to admit when he's wrong, Crannis.
Apology accepted.
Oh, good.
And you know, sending over your plumber in the middle of the holidays, that's first-rate, just first-rate! Oh, come on.
Don't mention it, Crannis.
You know, at this time of the year, Greenberg's just sitting around anyway.
Oh, good.
Well, happy holidays.
Oh, Merry Christmas to you too.
Oh Oh, Al.
Hey, honey.
Hey, baby.
Um, guess what, your plumber called.
Yeah? He did.
He found the problem.
He did? Yes.
Apparently, a Santa's beard got caught in the pipes.
That is so weird! Isn't it? You know what else is weird? When I told Andy, he got scared and ran upstairs.
And it got me thinking I did it.
Yeah.
So you were the Santa who told Ruby and Gracie they could have Tammy Talks-a-Lot dolls? Yeah.
You do know they're $89 apiece? What? Okay, why don't we take that outside? Okay.
Anyway, I shouldn't have just run off like that.
I mean, it doesn't matter what kind of car you drive, right? Yeah.
So, anyway, what do you do? They test drugs on me.
All right.
So why did you finally decide to go to the party? Well, I don't know, I just I don't know.
Could it be that you wanted to be around people at Christmas? No.
I wanted to be with you.
Ohhh I wanted to be with my family.
Oh, honey.
Wouldn't it have been easier to just apologize to Crannis? No.
Just because it's Christmas, it doesn't mean I'm a different guy.
Oh, honey, I got news for you, you are a different guy.
You opened your home to all those neighbors.
Most of whom don't even like you.
Hmm.
And now, because of Christmas, they get to see the great guy I see all year round.
All because of a stupid wise man.
What? You said "stupid wise man.
" Oh.
God help us, every one.
Oh, mistletoe? Close enough.
Hey, everybody, it's snowing.
And Crannis just threw up on the tree.
Mmm.