All In The Family s02e10 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days thank you.
What is it, ma? It's a special delivery For Mr.
and Mrs.
Archie bunker.
Ma, would you please tell me how my soup tastes? Mmm! Delicious.
It just needs a little less salt.
Thanks, ma.
Oh, my! This is terrible! Ma, what is it? "Dear Mr.
and Mrs.
bunker, "we regret to inform you That your home insurance has been cancelled.
" What? Let me see that.
Wow.
How do you like that? Comprehensive, fire, theft-- yeah, they cancelled it all.
Doesn't even say why.
Archie'll be so upset.
I don't know how I'm gonna tell him.
I hope he's in a good mood when he gets home.
Don't worry, ma.
I'll tell him.
I wanna tell youse all, life can be lousy.
Maybe you'd better tell him.
Don't ask me how my day went.
You wouldn't wanna hear the answer.
Get out of the chair here, huh? Hello, Edith.
How are ya? You're fine.
Thank you very much.
That's all the talk I wanna hear out of ya till further notice.
And a "dummy up, meathead" to you.
Now, that takes care of this here group.
Where's Gloria? Well, she's in the kitchen fixing dinner.
Now, hear this, all of youse, and pass the word to the kitchen.
I got a very serious problem here.
It's gonna take all of my thinkin' And all of my "consecration.
" This is where I'm gonna be doin' it, here.
Youse are all gonna be helpin' me.
"How?" You may ask? By keepin' your mouths shut.
I want youse all to synchronize your tongues to silence.
Ready? Begin.
Archie, here's something.
Was I talkin' too fast for you, Edith? Or were your ears just too slow? Stifle yourself! But this letter-- lick it, stamp it and mail it, Edith.
I got bigger fish to fly.
Now, get me a beer without a glass.
And without another word.
Uh, arch-- dummy up! [ Sighs .]
- Archie-- - are you lookin' for an argument? No, I just wanted to talk to you.
Forget it! All I ask of you is complete silence.
Archie, here's your beer.
Ohh! The letter with a beer chaser, huh, Edith? What are you tryin' to put over? I think you'd better read it.
Edith, you can't put your mind on two things at the same time.
Your brain gets clogged.
It'll back up on ya.
And there ain't no draino for the braino.
Take it out of here.
Well, here's your beer.
Now, wait a minute, Edith.
Hold it.
This ain't my regular beer.
Well, you see, that brand was on sale.
So what, Edith? If there was a sale on dirty socks, would you buy them? No.
No, because you know I ain't got no use for dirty socks.
And I ain't got no use for any beer except my own.
And I don't wanna talk about socks and beer! Would you like to talk about this letter? N-o! Well, then I guess I'll go help Gloria fix the dinner.
That would be nice.
Uh, arch-- ain't you got nothin' to do with yourself? Well, I wanted to talk to you about this problem.
I got a bigger problem over here! Oh.
You wanna talk to me about it? I mean, there are certain things a man only wants to discuss with another man.
I mean, if you have a problem, maybe I can help you with it.
My problem is about work, which you don't know nothin' about.
Like you said, it's a man's problem, and that's where you get off the train.
Okay, forget it! Forget it, all right? Michael, what's the matter? I tried to help him, he kicked me right in the teeth.
Archie, what happened? Daddy, what did you say to Michael? Don't bother him, Gloria.
Can't you see he's got a big problem? Somebody probably stole a twinkie out of his lunch box.
Funny.
Well, if you think my havin' to fire a man is a little problem-- oh, my.
Is that what's bothering you? That's right, Edith.
I gotta fire one of my men.
Why do you have to do a thing like that? Well, I don't know.
It's because of this depression Or recession or whatever they're callin' it.
Nixon calls it "a recent upswing in the economic picture.
" Why don't we shove some food in front of this pinko and keep his mouth busy? Let's eat.
That'll make us all feel better.
Daddy, when did all this happen? Oh, just today.
The boss sent the word down.
He wants one man fired, and I gotta recommend who.
Why, that's an awful thing to have to recommend.
Why don't you recommend something else? Because the boss don't want something else, Edith.
I gotta give one of my three men the ax.
Well, I got little Emmanuel, the puerto rican guy with the short leg, I got black elmo, the colored guy, and good old stretch Cunningham.
- The dope.
- Stretch Cunningham ain't no dope.
Archie, you said yourself the guy's got an I.
Q.
Of about one.
I know, I know, but it's been lately goin' up.
Archie, I.
Q.
S don't go up.
How do you know? You don't work with the man.
I seen it goin' up.
Anyhow, bein' smart ain't the most important thing on this job.
The most important thing is dependability.
That's what it is.
You take black elmo.
I can't depend on the guy.
But you said he's never missed a day of work since he's been with you.
I can't depend on him keepin' that up.
Then there's little Emmanuel.
Besides havin' a gimpy leg, he don't speak no good English.
How can you count on a guy who don't speak no good English? Archie, Emmanuel's your quickest worker.
You're always saying that.
That's the trouble with him-- he's too quick.
[ Gloria .]
What? He always looks like he's doin' more than he really is.
What is he really doing, Archie? I don't know, Edith.
By the time I get around to check up on him, he's got it done.
Let's face it, daddy.
You're saying Emmanuel and elmo are your best men.
That's right.
And stretch Cunningham's incompetent but he's white, so he stays.
Look, I couldn't fire stretch Cunningham even if I wanted to.
There's 60 other white guys down there, and they'd murder me if I done a thing like that.
You don't know how much stretch means to them.
Oh, yes, I do.
White power.
- It don't mean nothin' like that! - What is it, then? Well, for one thing, the guys all love him Because he makes them laugh and he'll do anything for a laugh.
Like, one of them blue mondays not long ago, everybody's feelin' lousy, see? So stretch goes outside, he takes off all his clothes, takes a bunch of raisins, puts 'em in his belly button.
He can do that because he's got the goin'-in kind.
Then he comes runnin' back and he says, "hey, look, everybody! I'm a raisin cookie!" That's funny! Archie, if a black man or a puerto rican did the same thing, you'd call him stupid.
But stretch Cunningham's white, so he's funny.
Ah, nuts to you! You don't know how these guys feel unless you talk to them.
You don't know nothin' about humor.
Anyway, I ain't made my final decision yet, so why don't we talk about somethin' else? All right.
Your insurance has been cancelled.
Read this.
My insurance is cancelled? Let me see-- oh, there's gotta be a mistake, Edith.
I always paid every single premium.
I ain't never once put in a claim for nothin'.
Maybe that's why they cancelled you.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Do you see whose name is signed To the bottom of these glad tidings? Yeah.
Wendell hornsby.
Wendell hornsby.
Your idiot nephew! The guy that sold me this policy in the first place! The one I had wasn't good enough.
Oh, no.
I had to scrap it and buy another one from this here jerk.
But he was just startin' out, and he's family.
Your family, Edith, not mine.
Your family don't even know I'm alive, except when they want something.
Seven years ago out of the blue, Wendell's mother calls me up.
"Oh, hello, Uncle Archie.
How are ya?" All of a sudden, I'm elected to the family as official patsy So I can be the first customer for this guy and buy his first policy.
And this is my "thank you" note here-- cancelled! But I'm sure it's not his fault.
Yeah, arch.
They don't start cancellin' policies unless they're payin' out too much.
Maybe there's been a lot of fires in this area.
There's no fires around here, except when Jim mcnab set fire to his Christmas tree in the gutter And his crazy dog went out and dragged it back into the house.
This is your nephew, Edith, and it's your fault.
Now, I want you to call this Wendell on the phone and tell him I wanna see him.
Now? All right, Archie.
Yes, now.
Daddy, why don't you sit down and eat your dinner? 'Cause I lost my appetite.
Arch, what are you gettin' so upset about? It's probably just a mistake.
If it's not, you know, I think it's kind of ironic.
To which? I mean, think about it.
Insurance company's cuttin' you off for no good reason, and tomorrow you're gonna cut little Emmanuel off for no good reason.
You don't know that.
I don't know that myself.
Oh, Archie, from everything you've said-- what I say ain't got nothin' to do with what I think.
There's a lot of things goin' on up here that never come out my mouth.
Now, just get away from me.
Wendell isn't home, but I left a message for him to call you back.
Well, he better call me back.
Now, leave me alone, huh, Edith? I'm thinkin'.
About firing elmo or little Emmanuel? Yeah, Edith, and about how to kill your nephew Wendell.
Let's see.
Wendell is my sister's husband's sister's son.
Then he's really a distant relative.
Oh, yeah, he lives way out in far rockaway.
Wendell's mother and I Used to play together when we were little girls.
You know what we did? Whenever we didn't have any money for candy, which was most of the time, we'd go into the candy store and start a fight.
Why, mom? Oh, it wasn't a real fight.
Wendell's mother would make-believe she was hitting me, and I would cry real loud.
And then Mr.
Solomon, the owner, would give me a sweet to make me stop cryin'.
And then we'd run out on the sidewalk and divide the candy.
Oh, ma.
Shame on you.
Oh, yeah.
Sometimes, he'd only give me one sour ball, and that would drive us crazy.
Hey, arch, did you do it? Did I do it? Did I do it? That's a real polack question if I ever heard one.
And I'll give you a polack answer: I don't know.
Edith.
How am I supposed to know what you're talkin' about? Can't you ask me an intelligent question? I didn't wanna confuse you.
Listen, meathead, any time you ask me a straight question, I'll give you a straight answer.
Okay.
Did you fire stretch Cunningham? None of your damn business.
Archie, I'm glad you're home early, 'cause Wendell called and says he's comin' before dinner.
Yeah.
Before is good, because if I had to face the bum on a full stomach, I'd probably "detergerate.
" Well, Wendell said to tell you that He couldn't stay long 'cause he's very busy.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
Sure.
He's probably cancellin' polices all over town.
I'll get it.
You go tell Gloria Wendell is here.
Hello, Wendell! Aunt Edith, is that you? I don't believe it.
Oh, you look beautiful.
Fantastic.
Ravishing.
Thank you.
This guy's shovelin' with two hands.
Is that Uncle Archie? That is not Uncle Archie.
Yeah, that's Archie.
How does he do it, aunt Edith? How do you do it, Uncle Archie? You're the picture of health.
'Cause my health insurance ain't been cancelled.
That's Archie, all right.
The same old sense of humor.
And this must be little Andrea.
Gloria.
Yes.
Gloria.
And this is my husband, Michael stivic.
Husband? That means you're married.
Will you excuse me? I have to go upstairs and wash my hair.
Of course.
And what beautiful hair she has.
Aunt Edith, I just can't get over-- come on, Wendell.
Quit grinding out the baloney, huh? Edith, sit down someplace.
Listen, what's the meaning of this here letter? Oh, yes.
This is our form 404.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
Just sit down here, huh? And stop tellin' Edith how gorgeous she is, 'cause we all know you're lyin'.
What a sense of humor.
Hello, Archie.
I hope you don't mind, but I had to see you.
Oh, hi, Emmanuel.
I don't mean to bother you, but it's something important.
I have to talk to you about it.
Yeah, well, uh, I'm kind of busy here-- who is it, Archie? It's nobody, Edith.
It's little Emmanuel.
Little Emmanuel? Well, come in! I'm so glad to meet you.
Look, everybody, it's little Emmanuel.
Won't you sit down? Oh.
This is my son-in-law, Michael stivic, and my nephew-- come on.
Come on.
Come on, Edith.
You ain't entertaining the mayor of Puerto Rico here.
I think I know what Emmanuel wants.
Uh, while we're in here busy talkin' over something else, Emmanuel, you wouldn't mind waitin' in the kitchen, would ya? No.
And I'll get you a drink while you wait.
And then after that-- go ahead, sit down.
Take a load off your foot.
What do youse people like to drink? Pineapple juice? Oh, no.
No, thank you.
I got a bowl of cold rice in here.
No, nothing, nothing.
I got to go quick.
Yeah, all right.
Well, there's some coffee over there.
Anytime you want it, just help yourself, huh? Archie, you did it! I did what? You fired little Emmanuel.
I had to.
You could've fired stretch Cunningham.
And get 60 white guys on the job sore as hell at me? Get out of here.
Come on, arch.
Why'd you have to pick on little Emmanuel? He's your best worker.
There's colored guys and white guys workin' down here.
He's the only puerto rican.
He'll never be missed.
Archie, you left little Emmanuel alone in the kitchen.
It's all right, Edith.
He ain't gonna steal nothin'.
Now, listen, let's get this 404-- wait a minute.
What am I doin' here? That's my chair.
Get out of there! Sit down over there.
Now, start talkin'.
Well-- hold it.
Why are you breathin' on me? I gotta breathe.
Breathe over there, will ya? I want my insurance back.
Now, Archie, I'm afraid it's not as simple as that.
You see, this little code listing up here in the corner Indicates you're in what we call an h.
R.
N.
H.
R.
N.
? What's that? A "high-risk neighborhood.
" What is that? Well, Uncle Archie-- now, let me make this perfectly clear.
Where have I heard that before? Dummy up, you.
Go on.
You were sayin'? Your insurance has not been cancelled.
It's been economically terminated.
Wait a minute.
Don't terminatin' mean the same thing as cancelled? Yes, but economically terminated is a much nicer term, because it lets the client know it's nothing he's done.
Archie-- excuse me.
Little Emmanuel is anxious to speak to you.
Edith, can't you pour him some coffee out there? Yeah.
All right, Archie.
Now, I ain't got all night, Wendell, so give it to me straight.
Okay.
Archie, you are a victim of area displacement.
What does that mean? I think it means you didn't get it straight.
Who asked you? Now, Wendell, give it to me straight, or I punch you in the head.
Archie, you have a fabulous sense of humor.
Archie, por favor? Yeah, pour some more.
Now, come on, Wendell.
Okay.
I have a map in here which I think will clear everything up.
Yeah, well, we gotta get everything cleared up.
May I put it over here? Put it right down on the table.
Archie, please.
All right, take it easy, Emmanuel, will ya? You get your stuff out, and I'm gonna talk to this guy in the kitchen.
Get back in there.
Edith-- Edith, what are you doin' here? Go outside and sit with your dopey nephew.
Right away, Archie.
Now, listen, Emmanuel.
I'm kind of rushed for time, so, uh-- what do you want from me? Well, I want to talk to you about me getting fired.
Well, Emmanuel, uh, it's this way, see.
You wasn't really fired.
No? [ Shouting in Spanish .]
You mean I still have my job? Wait a minute, will ya? Sit down a minute.
Yeah! Don't kiss me no more! No.
I mean, y-y-you ain't got your job, Emmanuel.
I mean, you were what we call in the business there, um, unfortunately terminated.
What does that mean? Well, it's kind of like-- Archie.
Why don't you tell him the truth? It's kind of like being fired, right? Don't listen to the college boy up here.
He don't know nothin'.
Yeah, but he's right.
I am fired.
And I help you.
You know that.
Now, why can't you not help me no more? Well, gee, I mean, I'd do anything I could, Emmanuel, but I just can't do nothin' about it.
Archie, I'm ready with the map out here.
Hold it.
Stay here, will you? This is important, now.
I'm sorry, Emmanuel.
Don't give me any arguments! Archie, look at this! Now, what do we got here? Well, I think this'll really explain everything.
This is a detailed sectional map of the whole area.
Your neighborhood now extends all the way down to the river here, where a lot of, uh, well, high-risk people live.
Now, wait a minute.
What are you talkin' about, the coloreds? - Black people.
- Whatever.
We call them low income socioeconomic groups.
Yeah, everybody calls 'em somethin'.
Well, because they're officially part of your area now, we've had to terminate all the insurance in this neighborhood.
What are you tellin' me? You're lumpin' me with them? What have I got to do with coloreds and puerto ricans? It's got nothing to do with that.
But the boundary for the high-risk neighborhood Runs right along here, and here's your house.
My house is right on the line.
Yes, which makes it part of the h.
R.
N.
Now, if you only lived on the other side of the line, in this house or this one-- hold it! This house right here belongs to Jefferson, and he's colored! But you still live in the colored neighborhood.
But this is the colored guy! But he lives in a low-risk neighborhood.
- That's discrimination.
- That's discrimination! That's the insurance business.
Archie, can we talk now? Wait a minute, will you, Emmanuel? Well, I really must be going myself.
Uncle Archie, look, I sympathize with you, but I'm just one man in one little office.
The decisions are made upstairs.
That's the way the system operates.
What can I do about it? You could do something about it if you wanted to.
After all, your Edith's nephew.
Why couldn't you go up to the president and say somethin'? Ain't you man enough to do that? I'm really very sorry.
Good night, all.
And that's the end of that! Archie? Oh, Emmanuel, yeah.
Are you sure there's nothing you can do? Well, listen, Emmanuel.
I'm sorry to keep you waitin' in there, but you gotta believe me, see.
I'd do somethin' for you, but I can't.
Listen.
I'm only a little man, see? These decisions are made by-by the big men.
Upstairs.
You know what I mean? It's the system, Emmanuel.
See, it's the way the system operates.
System? Yeah.
Well, where do I go to talk to this system? Well, Emmanuel, you can't talk to the system.
I mean, it ain't a person.
It's a-- it's-- I don't know what it is.
See? All I know is that I'd like to help you, but-- but I can't, Emmanuel, and I'm really very sorry.
You know something? I feel sorry for you.
Huh? How are you two guys gonna do all that work? There's three guys there.
No, there's two.
There's you and black elmo.
Stretch Cunningham's still workin'.
You're not counting stretch Cunningham, are you? All he does is tell jokes all day.
He don't do no work.
Mrs.
bunker, what time you serve dinner? Well, Archie likes his dinner promptly at 6:00.
Well, from now on, you do not wait for him, because he will be promptly late every night.
who knows? Archie, I'll tell you, with me no there, I wouldn't want your job for no money.
[ Laughing .]
Good night, everybody.
[ Edith .]
Good night.
[ Speaking Spanish .]
Well, don't be lookin' at me! Nothin' I can do about it.
Go on and go about your business.
I don't understand them people no more than you do.
Geez, they're out of work, and they laugh.
Oh, Archie.
There you are.
Oh, it's so late.
[ Sighs .]
Archie, I ain't never seen you so tired.
[ Groans .]
You know that stretch Cunningham? Yeah.
He ain't so funny.
[ Man .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.