Alpha House (2013) s02e10 Episode Script

So looks like you got another bump in the polls last Friday.
Really? Are you serious? I didn't campaign last week.
I was on vacation in Maui.
People loved it, apparently.
You're running dead even with Laffer.
This is insane.
Listen, folks, an election is serious business.
We need our elected officials to be qualified.
I ran because, one, I have nothing to do during the day, two, I crave attention, and three, libertarian views don't get aired enough.
So that means I should be in the United States Senate? I'm a magician, for Christ's sake, an entertainer! I run naked through the Bellagio fountains to promote my show.
I say "fuck" on TV, and I paint my fingernail.
I pull down 100 grand a night for pulling rabbits out of my ass.
You want me for senator? What is wrong with you people? Do you totally hate democracy? I'm sorry, Jon, this is just so fucked up.
I quit.
The seat is yours, Louis.
Enjoy.
- It's about time.
- Sorry, traffic.
The game let out just as I was driving over.
Well, I was just in the middle of doing the dishes, but Maybe I can just let them soak.
Tonight's key word? We can finally take our time.
All of the senators are out of town.
We've got the whole house to ourselves.
The whole house, as in every room? More like every surface.
And it's been mostly an easy night for Republican incumbents.
Gil John Biggs romping double digits in North Carolina over medal of honor winner Leland Grimmel.
- All right, big guy.
- And in Nevada, with entertainer Penn Jillette out of the race, Louis Laffer has cruised to an easy reelection victory.
Thank you, Louis.
At least I still have a place to live.
That is, if I need it.
Pennsylvania's a different story.
With 99% of the precincts reporting, Robert Bettencourt's reelection battle with former governor Ed Rendell still a squeaker.
You hear that? A squeaker.
I'm trapped in a goddamn squeaker.
You've still got the lead, sir.
How many precincts still unreported? Uh, two both are in North Philly, Senator.
Where I registered voters? Yes, sir.
That North Philly.
- Oh, James.
- Oh, Lola.
Oh, it's the best I've ever had.
Me too.
Are you sure we can't Do you want to be damned forever? Because I don't.
Me neither.
Sorry.
- God, you're good.
- Thanks.
Don't stop.
- Is that someone at the - Shh.
- Hey, anyone home? - Hello? Oh, wait, aren't they all gone for their elections? They are.
Empty house.
Oh, and we're already warmed up! What luck! Hey, do you think the noticed? Are you kidding? They always notice.
Oh God! Excelsior! No, don't.
- Not here? - That sounds like fun.
God is testing us, like Jesus in the wilderness.
Jesus never soaked.
He would've cracked.
"Then saith Jesus unto him, get thee hence.
" Oh, my God! - I can't stand it.
- Whooooo! "And the devil leaveth him.
And behold, angels came.
" Good for them.
- What about me? - Don't move! What a bunch of assassins, no weaknesses.
I have never seen a squad dominate the month of march like these kids did.
Yet none of them went to the pros.
Proves you can do it without stars.
You don't need a marquee player if you got flow.
Yeah, well, and a very, very strong coach.
Compliment received.
Last one, I'm afraid.
So let me cut right to it, Senator.
You suck as a politician.
Excuse me? Senator, if I went into any other office in this building, I'd find politicians, good ones, geniuses at political calculus.
You, in comparison, are an amateur.
Your sense of self-preservation, it's sloppy.
It's all over the place.
It's amazing you got reelected.
You have an interesting interview style, Marty.
Senator, you already know what I can do.
I put a quarter of your colleagues into office, but they all had their shit wired tight.
They didn't give rogue speeches on beaches or random apologies on the floor.
For me to sign on, you'd have to want the presidency so much, you'd trade your kid for it.
Which one? Listen to me.
A national campaign is insanely brutal.
It's not for the entitled or lazy.
If I were running your campaign and you went all Fred Thompson on me, I'd kill you in your bed.
- Hmm.
Mm.
- Uh, one final thing.
If you decide to hire me, I'd have to be in charge, to have total command of the operation.
There cannot be a competing voice second-guessing me or undermining my authority.
I'm over here, Marty.
Tell me how you're feeling.
We're having this baby together, remember? I know.
I really don't want to discuss my symptoms.
They're all so disgusting, especially the barfing.
Every time I think about the father ugh! Right.
How long are you going to freak yourself out about that possibility? Until the kid is born and we can compare DNA.
And how do you propose to do that? Easy, I just take a swab from James' mouth, probably when he's yawning, which he does a lot, to oxygenate his pea-sized brain! You know, Jules, it might be better not to know.
Our child won't be perfect.
Are you really going to blame that on James? Beats blaming it on having two mothers.
- Who's gonna do that? - The whole world.
But at least we'll be married.
That should please part of the whole world.
Oh, fuck the whole world.
I'm so sorry.
I literally just felt a squirt of progesterone.
This must be why the wedding used to come first.
Yeah, gotta go.
Later.
What do you know? Okay, so the final count gave you a 34-vote lead.
But despite your seeming win, any margin of victory under .
5% of the total triggers a recount, per the Pennsylvania state automatic recount legislation signed into law in 2004 by Governor Ed fucking Rendell.
How did he know? How did he know ten years ago that he might one day need this to save his own ass? No idea, but multiplying ironies aside, we've got a long few days ahead of us.
You want me to regret the wedding this weekend? No, I promised Louis.
If I had known Pennsylvania was going to go all Florida on me, I never would've run.
If you don't mind, I'll just tell the staff you said to stay strong? They're going to steal it.
They're going to steal it.
I know it.
The important thing for you to understand is, we're not writing dreams from my father here.
Why not? Obama wrote it before he ran for anything, leaving room for candor, a luxury you don't have.
- I don't? - Trust me.
I've written nine political memoirs, all best sellers, all forgettable, as planned.
Wow.
What a uniquely cynical genre.
Only if you pretend it's something else, Katharine.
All presidential campaigns start now with a book tour.
It's a low-risk way to road-test your candidacy.
Will there be a video book version? Uh, I don't think a video book is planned, sir.
There should be.
I could sit in a leather armchair and read my book to people.
It'd be like a fireside chat.
An eight-hour fireside chat? Yeah, I mean, people could really get to know me.
They could settle in and just watch me.
I'll mention it to the publisher.
It'd be disruptive.
People love disruptive now.
When do you start the script? - Manuscript.
- Right.
We've got to get cracking.
We've only got 729 days to go.
I hate that I know that.
As to the flower arrangements, Senator, it's been a little challenging staying within the palette you gave me.
Now, now, Miss Townsend, how tricky could it be? I said from coral to salmon.
Quite a range.
And Andy Guzman told me that "no" isn't in your vocabulary.
- Did he? - He did.
So how are our lovebirds holding up, Tammy? Oh, I'm not sure, sir.
They've been out of town a lot.
The wedding rehearsal just wasn't the same without them.
You're the bridal liaison, Tammy.
We're counting on you to wrangle those two crazy gals to the altar.
They know you and trust you, so you're in a position to trick them, if you have to.
Oh, I don't think it'll come to that, sir.
They're crazy in love.
The biggest problem is Julie's been feeling so poorly.
Really? How so? Well, the whole pregnancy package, sir.
Fatigue, vomiting, heartburn, acne, frequent urination So how we doing with the cake? The brides still haven't filled out any of the questionnaires I sent them.
I don't even know their allergies.
Well, they come from a different culture, Miss Townsend.
You might want to cut them some slack.
Of course, Senator.
Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I'm off to rent a cummerbund.
Well, guess we're done here.
Man, oh, man.
What? I wish I could afford to look as good as you.
You know, sir, we could have just taken a taxi.
Nonsense how would that look in the video, you pulling up in front of the cottage in a cab? There's a video? Well, remember Angie from the Afghanistan trip? She's making a documentary.
A what? Well, documentary may be too strong a word, but whatever we end up calling it, you'll have a copy to show loved ones who refused to come today.
You know, when they're finally up for it.
Ah, here's the turnoff.
- Oh! - We're here.
Holy crap.
What happened to the cottage? This is the cottage.
Hilarious, right? People with old money love to understate their possessions.
Well, they got that from the British, so you know it's classy.
Oh, ladies! Welcome to your big, fat, Republican gay wedding.
Yes, yes.
Right this way.
And here is the wedding venue, right by the pony pasture.
The bride's family will sit on the left.
The other bride's family will sit on the right.
We've sprinkled your friends on both sides, so everyone gets to meet a gay.
Our friends aren't all gay.
Oh, don't worry.
No one will know.
Ah, Miss Stackhouse.
Ah, welcome, you two! Whoo! What a relief.
You are a bit late, but I think we can make it up.
I better go see to the string octet.
Miss Stackhouse, you'll show our special guests the bridal bower? - You bet, Senator.
- Break a leg.
There's a bower.
Yep, and it's a bit of a hike, so we better get moving.
What's a bower? It's a lady's private chamber.
Julie, you remember Angie, right? She's your videographer.
- Hi, Ms.
Carrell, Ms.
Sims.
- Hi, Angie.
Angie, could you run on up ahead and get a shot of the brides as they enter the bower? - Yeah, sure thing.
- Ladies.
Here are your event scripts, which you'll need to study, since you couldn't join us at rehearsal.
There was an election, Tammy.
Oh, of course.
Everyone understood.
What are you doing? We're going to be late.
Popped a button on my collar.
Give me that.
You don't know how to sew any better than I do.
Well, actually, I do.
My mother was a seamstress.
Rose, what are we going to do if I lose? You'll be fine, Robert.
You'll find a nice, cushy job No, no, no, I'm us.
- You thinking of leaving town? - No.
Then I don't see how that affects us in the least.
"Us.
" I don't know how I feel about that word.
I've been a "me" for so long.
Plus, there's the shame of half of us being a Republican.
And the other half being a Democrat.
My cred's at stake here too, you know.
You're right.
Let's not talk at the wedding.
Yeah, like every other couple in this town.
Good plan.
Ms.
de Portago, who are you wearing? Michael Bevins, of course.
I'm sure I'm not alone.
He's on fire right now.
Senator? Senator, who are you wearing? Oh, just my man Ralph, so I don't have to think about how I look.
What an odd question.
Who are you wearing, Louise? A Louise Laffer.
Why pay extra? Hey, Rand Paul's coming.
Oh, the senator's been invited, sir, but his office says that he probably wouldn't be evolving in time for the ceremony.
- Here you go, sir.
- Thank you.
- Ma'am.
- Oh.
You're at a very desirable table, right next to the wedding party.
Really? How nice.
Well, I mean, you do have an in with the bridal liaison.
Always good to know powerful people.
Well, I tried not to abuse my position, sir.
Enjoy the buzz out there.
What buzz is that, Tammy? Oh, well, your plans for '16, of course, which I wouldn't know anything about.
If you've been meeting with campaign managers, it's news to me.
Attagirl.
Hey, why is the RNC doing this? - It's a Louis thing.
- Mm.
Maybe the party finally got the memo about gays, or at least lesbians.
Wow, that is quite a wedding party.
There's Justice Scalia and Colin Powell! You guys know Colin Powell? No, actually.
And Rachel Maddow what is she doing here? Isn't this a GOP thingy? Friend from college.
At least I'll know somebody out there.
- I'm so sorry, Jules.
- For what? For letting the Republican party plan our wedding.
I had no idea things would spin out of control like this.
It's not your fault.
We both agreed to it.
Maybe, but would it be okay if it were completely on me? I can't blame hormones for losing my mind.
You can.
I feel so crappy and ugly, I won't even notice a guilt trip.
No, no.
I messed up.
Um, excuse me? You guys mind if I tape this conversation? Otherwise, you would never believe it.
A wedding kind of gets you thinking, doesn't it? Thinking about what, James? Well, like, the future.
Don't you ever think about marriage? James, you are a very sweet boy, but I could never consider you for my eternal partner, not after what happened.
Lola, it was just an involuntary shudder.
It was a thrust, James.
Don't lie and make it worse.
Oh, hi! Well, even if it was, it was just one.
One leads to another, James, and then another and then another.
Not necessarily, Lola.
How can I ever trust you again? Look at our angel girl.
I'm just so surprised she doesn't have a boyfriend yet.
Mm, me too.
I wonder if James has any nice friends.
Or any friends at all.
- Oh, my lord.
- What, dear? It's Colonel Drake, from the hearing.
- Oh.
- I wonder what he's doing here.
You didn't invite him? Well, I suppose it's possible but certainly not his plus-one.
Colonel Drake, how good to see you it is.
Good to see you again, sir.
And this must be your wife, Mrs.
Laffer.
Yes.
- Eugene, ma'am.
- Louise, Colonel.
Louis has told me so much about you.
This is my friend David.
Friend? Did I just get a field demotion? I used to be his boyfriend.
It is so nice to finally meet you, Senator.
Eugene hasn't stopped talking about you since your famous breakfast.
David.
- Our breakfast was famous? - Oh, yes! For days after, it was "Senator Laffer" this, "Senator Laffer" that, and I said: "Well, if you like him so much, why don't you marry him? We're going to a gay wedding.
What's one more couple?" David, that's enough.
Thank you for inviting us, sir.
Ma'am.
Oh.
Oh, my goodness! That was so dramatic.
What do you suppose that was all about? Let go of me! No idea, Louise.
Some sort of gay-ish misunderstanding, I guess.
- So how we doing? - Could be worse.
Still holding on to a double-digit lead in the count.
By "double digit," you mean Uh, 11.
North Philly is the last to report again.
North Philly.
In other words, I'm about to be fucked in the ass by the very people I registered to vote.
Yeah, or by some other people somewhere else in the state.
Just depends on whether or not you want to torture yourself.
What about you? What are you gonna do if I lose? Oh, I'll be fine, Senator.
It's not about me.
You already got a job offer? You haven't? Don't need one.
You lose a Senate race, you automatically become a lobbyist.
You don't volunteer.
You just do.
And as a lobbyist, the first thing you do is you hire your former legislative aide at triple his former salary.
Triple, you say? Bear in mind, we don't want to lose.
Obviously, we I yes, sir.
Oh, the bishop's here, finally.
You mean the minister? Well, yeah.
The the acting minister.
A minister with an entourage.
Holy fuck.
Our minister's a bishop? Anyway, well, that means we're still on schedule, so I will be back when we're ready.
A bishop? What's happening? I don't know.
What how do I look? Gorgeous.
But let me get your blush.
What's wrong? A little uneven.
Fish face.
Not on the apples.
I know.
There you go.
And There you go, my love.
- See that? - Hmm? - That look like fun to you? - What? Grab the elbow.
Touch the shoulder.
A little eye contact.
Quick platitude.
Move on.
Repeat.
Andy's born to that shit.
He gets stronger as the day goes on, like Clinton.
You've done it before, honey bear.
Yeah, but I usually slept in my own bed.
I can't see doing it for years on end and winding up getting carried out of the cornfields of Iowa on my own shield.
Well, what if you did it differently? What do you mean? What if you ran a front porch campaign? What if you didn't tramp around the country? What if you let the country come to you? Oh, hell, Maddie, nobody's done that since since Harding.
Bush did.
For two years, he made everyone fly down to Texas.
It was almost like a draft.
He didn't really lift a finger until New Hampshire.
Yeah, you may be right.
You could win this thing, honey bear.
You just have to do it your own way from a Barca lounger.
I guess what I'm saying, Lola, is, if you wait too long to choose a celestial companion, all the good ones your age could be taken.
Oh, that's true, daddy.
I will look harder.
There you two are! Are you having a special daddy-to-daughter talk? Yes, we are, Louise, but I think we're about done here.
- Aren't we, sweetheart? - Oh, well, good, because I've got some garden-fresh news.
I've been thinking it over, and now that you're safely reelected and all the girls have left the nest, I think it's time I move back to Washington.
Oh, mother, that's so exciting! Isn't that exciting, daddy? Uh, well, sure.
- Really? - Yes! And, Lola, you can move in with us too.
It'd be just like at home! - But the guys - Oh, they won't mind.
They're senators, for Peter and Paul's sake.
They can find a new place easy as peas.
Oh, my darling family, reunited! Weddings really do bring people together, don't they? Oh, my God, you'll never guess who's out there.
- Who? - Everyone! That's who.
Half of official Washington.
If a bomb were to drop on this house, why, it'd it'd spoil the wedding! So I don't even know why I brought it up.
But it's so exciting! Knock-knock.
Hi, girls! Oh, my God, look at you.
You look like you just stepped out of a movie that would never get made.
- Hi, Rach.
- Oh, sad face.
We're scared.
It's a little scary down there.
I mean, most of your guest list was opposed to gay marriage until, like, last year.
Rachel, you and your partner, you're not married, right? No.
Happy? Very, yeah.
That's that's me, though.
And I'm gonna I'm gonna stop talking before I get myself into deeper trouble.
You girls, listen, you're gonna be fine.
You look beautiful.
We love you.
It's gonna be great.
It's fine.
You're gonna be good.
Trust me, it's fine.
Julie Katharine don't even think about it! We're out of here, aren't we? We are.
We most definitely are.
Oh, no.
Please, no! No, no, please! Please, no! This is a huge mistake, girls.
You can't do this to Senator Laffer! The national committee will have a fit! Thanks for everything, Tammy.
Sorry, bye! Aah! No! Katharine, Julie, you can't.
This wedding's so beautiful.
I would kill for this wedding! Oh, and it's already paid for! Now, now, now, now! Now, now, now.
Go, go.
Get in! Andale.
- Gil John, question.
- What's up? Have you ever had your whole world turned upside down? Hmm, I don't think so, Louis.
What's it like? - Don't ask.
- Okay.
It's like having everything that you believed about your family and your faith and your tendencies put in a blender without a lid and just - Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Heard you met with Marty Corman yesterday, Gil.
- Did you? - Which means you're in.
Could also mean I was just catching up with an old friend.
Did you know Marty's got two kids at Stanford? Andy, did you ever have your whole world turned upside down? Sure.
School nurse, until my mom caught on.
Hey, Robert! What's the word? Still ahead by three votes.
They're on a hand count in North Philly.
Should hear any minute.
Robert Bettencourt.